my one last try first journal ever

sweetcrimson · 12-13-2006, 02:19 PM

here it goes. i am starting this journal in an attempt to stop my ever growing self destructive behavior. it has become so unmanageable to eat all the food in the house as soon as i get home from the grocery store, make a recipe for 5 dz cookies and eat all but 8, eat and eat and eat. i'm trying to get it through my own head that food will never be the answer, that i'll only fill 1000 times worse, and that i'm teaching my daughter to do the same things i've struggled with all my life. i am writing this journal to help myself stop rationalizing when i binge and when i purge. i have already had to have a tooth pulled for the first time in my life because of the horrible things i have been doing to myself. i have gained back half my weight. i have become a prisoner in my home. this has to stop! not only for my children and loved ones, but for me too. i will try to write in this journal at least 1-2 times a week or more if possible. low carb has saved my life once and i know it can help me again. i will list what i eat when i can when i am on plan, and i will always list what i have eaten in the event that i binge and how i was feeling or any possible triggers. i know i can do this. i am the only one who can do this for myself and my family.

So far today i have had...
2 24oz waters
1 lg pouch salmon w/approx 3 tbsp mayo
4 lg eggs pinch of salt
keep up the good work girl you can do it!!

sweetcrimson · 12-15-2006, 09:11 AM

I have eaten on plan for 3 days now. woohoo! my cravings are pretty much gone. I have to bake christmas cookies that i'm giving as gifts on sunday with my dd and dm so that will be difficult but i'm thinking/hoping i can handle it.weekends are hard for me!

dantesmom · 12-15-2006, 09:29 AM

THe weekends are the absolute hardest for me too. DO you have a buddy that will keep you accountable to help with the cookies? Just take it five minutes at a time if you have to and, if you have to write in your journal 15 times a day to not eat a cookie, do it. I know you can do this, you are a strong woman and this cant hold you back!

indogia · 12-16-2006, 11:00 AM

you can do this!!

pluggy's ready · 12-16-2006, 08:14 PM

May be too late for your baking session, but next time you have to bake try this. Take a bandana and fold it into a triangle, then tie it around your face like a 'bandit' so it covers your nose and mouth. This way, if you try to eat the dough or lick your fingers, you have to move the bandana first, and it makes you a little more conscious of what your doing. Someone from the board reccommended this to me a long time ago, and it really worked for me.

Congrats on staying on plan for the three days. You definately CAN do this. Attitude has more of an effect than you might think, so keep your attitude positive.

sweetcrimson · 12-18-2006, 01:33 PM

i'm dredding this entry because i have to admit how bad i did yesterday and this morning. it's times like this that make me feel so hopeless. well i am starting over starting now, trying not to give up. I appreciate the nice replies and support. i know there are people that battle this everyday just like me. i remember when i first discovered low carb woe and got my life under control for a long time. i would read the bulletin board and see people with messages like the ones i'm writing now. i would always want to help them. i thought i had my own problems under control for the rest of my life. the truth is that food is my addiction and i will always have a problem when i am stressed or sad. i wish i could be abstinate from eating- but that is not possible. this yr has been very hard and i guess i have been medicating myself with food- well overdosing pretty much. my little boy has been going to therapy after having continued behavior problems at school. he is only 4 and has already been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. his father and i got a divorce last year when i found out he had been doing meth! we had been separated and living in the same house for the kids sake. he was often very violent and alot of times the kids would hear or see things. he is now in jail and will be transfered to prison. this has been soooo hard on my children, especially my little boy because he was very close to my ex. when he was born i had a c-section and they left a lap sponge in me that obstructed my bowel. my ex did not think it was that big a deal when i couldn't have a BM for 21 days. when we finally went to the emergency room after i was having hallucinations could no longer breast feed. my baby's soft spot had sunken in. If that hadn't happened I don't know if i would have gone because i had lost all sense of time and had no idea i had been sick for so long.my ex was very cruel to me during this time.as we were getting in the car i remember him saying- let's go kids cuz mama can't sh*t! i remember thinking- i am getting the heck away from him when this is over. after having a sono and x-ray i had emergency surgery to remove the sponge. they had to leave the c-section open to heal from the inside out because there was a coke can size abscess that they were afraid would continue if they closed the incision. i was taking care of the baby at night in the hospital and my husband would get mad if i woke him up for help with the baby. i couldn't even get up by myself and would just roll over and off the bed to get the baby. i began to have such a strong dislike for my ex because of all of that. as a result of my c-section drama i had physical and psychological complications. i had panic attacks and severe atypical depression and post partum depression. i tried to avoid my ex as much as possible. my poor baby had such a hard time. my ex took care of him alot during this time. although my depression and anxiety continued, i was able to go back to work a yr later working nights as a pediatric nurse. my ex stayed home and took care of my son. they were sooo close. he played with him all the time and hardly ever disciplined him when he did something wrong. this went on for another yr until my ex decided to go back to work. i was still working nights to keep from having to see my husband. everyday he dropped him off from daycare and picked him up in the afternoon. they were inseperable. he would take him pretty much everywhere with him. letting him do whatever he wanted. now i'm dealing with all the effects of my son losing the most important person in his life. i feel so guilty and powerless in the whole situation.i was not there for my kids for so long emotionally while dealing with all my issues. my kids have lost their father. after my ex is released from prison he will be deported to mexico because of the charges against him. he says he's going to come back to be close to his kids. all these things are soo stressful. i do have to say that things are much better since he finally left the house last yr. i got my son on a schedule and have been consistant with his life and care. my kids are very happy and appear to be adjusting very well besides the behavior problems associated with ADHD and ODD with my son in pre-k. he has been hitting, biting, and kicking teachers. he told the counselor that his dad had left because he didn't like him! that blew my mind. i would do ANYTHING to be able to help my little boy. he is so much like my ex. i worry all the time about what will happen in the future. My daughter is doing great (thank you Lord) but she is 11 and I'm worried about the coming yrs and adolesence. I am a single mother and will never recieve child support for my kids. all of this makes my mind run wild with worry. i then eat and eat and eat and eat trying to numb myself i guess. i know the key to me ever getting in control again is thinking positive and focusing on all my many blessings. i am trying so hard to do that. i have to start living again and not just going through the motions everyday. my kids see me stuffing my face all the time and they see my cry quite often. i have got to get better. my kids deserve to have a normal life. i want to be a good example for my babies. they are my world and always will be and i am all they have right now.

wow, well i guess i had alot on my chest. maybe now i won't go eat the 3 dozen cookies that are left that i haven't yet managed to stuff in my freakin mouth!!!!!!!!! i have to make myself understand that it will not make me feel better-only worse!! why is that so darn difficult for me to understand. PLUGGY, i think i may have to go around thith a bandana over my mouth all the time for a while until things get a little better

pluggy's ready · 12-18-2006, 06:44 PM

((((sweetcrimson)))) I'm so sorry for all you've been through and are going through. Use your journal/diary to it's fullest to get things off your chest and document things. You'll be able to look back later and see how much progress you've made. You can get through this, and you can lose the weight. Keep posting and reading on this board, okay? And if you think wearing the bandana for a while will help make you more conscious of what you're eating, DO IT.

Slightly off topic: but when I quit smoking many years ago, I used a baby pacifier to substitute for when I wanted a cigarette. I used it at home, and then at work we had a private office I could slip into for a 'smoke' and I'd use it there. What I'm getting at is this: do what you need to do to get to where you want to be, even if it seems a little silly. After three tries at quiting smoking, the baby pacifier was the only thing that worked.

sweetcrimson · 12-18-2006, 07:04 PM

thank you for the help pluggy. i will keep writing in the journal. this is the first journal i have ever started in my life. i have been scared to have one because i was always afraid of someone finding it lol. there are some things though that i was thinking about writing about in a more private place. there are things that have happened in my life that i know i need to get out. that's probably part of the reason i am using food as therapy. i went to an OA meeting a few months ago but was unable to return due to childcare problems. there i learned that i need to make an extensive inventory and i think journaling would be the best way. well i'll try to be back tomorrow

sweetcrimson · 12-20-2006, 03:00 PM

i've been doing really bad the past three days. I think it's cuz i had to take the kids to see their dad at the jail yesterday. I ate everything i could get my hands on. I had to purge just to be able to lay down to go to sleep. it's embarrasing just writing this so hopefully not that many people will read it. i am making myself write this down so i can keep track of my good days and bad. can i get that much more rock bottom?? i'm scared to find out.

12-13-2006, 02:19 PM	#1
sweetcrimson Junior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: texas Posts: 50 Gallery: sweetcrimson Stats: 248/cw185 :( 165/148 NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/03	my one last try first journal ever here it goes. i am starting this journal in an attempt to stop my ever growing self destructive behavior. it has become so unmanageable to eat all the food in the house as soon as i get home from the grocery store, make a recipe for 5 dz cookies and eat all but 8, eat and eat and eat. i'm trying to get it through my own head that food will never be the answer, that i'll only fill 1000 times worse, and that i'm teaching my daughter to do the same things i've struggled with all my life. i am writing this journal to help myself stop rationalizing when i binge and when i purge. i have already had to have a tooth pulled for the first time in my life because of the horrible things i have been doing to myself. i have gained back half my weight. i have become a prisoner in my home. this has to stop! not only for my children and loved ones, but for me too. i will try to write in this journal at least 1-2 times a week or more if possible. low carb has saved my life once and i know it can help me again. i will list what i eat when i can when i am on plan, and i will always list what i have eaten in the event that i binge and how i was feeling or any possible triggers. i know i can do this. i am the only one who can do this for myself and my family. So far today i have had... 2 24oz waters 1 lg pouch salmon w/approx 3 tbsp mayo 4 lg eggs pinch of salt keep up the good work girl you can do it!! __________________ Started LC 1/03 248/cw?/165/148 8/24/06 185lbs. 8/28/06 188lbs. 12/30/06 ??? too afraid to look

12-16-2006, 08:14 PM	#5
pluggy's ready Senior LCF Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 243 Gallery: pluggy's ready	May be too late for your baking session, but next time you have to bake try this. Take a bandana and fold it into a triangle, then tie it around your face like a 'bandit' so it covers your nose and mouth. This way, if you try to eat the dough or lick your fingers, you have to move the bandana first, and it makes you a little more conscious of what your doing. Someone from the board reccommended this to me a long time ago, and it really worked for me. Congrats on staying on plan for the three days. You definately CAN do this. Attitude has more of an effect than you might think, so keep your attitude positive. __________________ Wellness Journey start date: November 2005 BFFM start date: September 29, 2006 BF: 38% (09/09/06): BF:34.8 (10/12/06): BF: 31.5 (11/14/06) 35% 1/9/07 Goal BF: 25% Weight lost so far: 70 lbs (202 - 132) pounds left to ultimate goal: 14 12/13/06 - NORMAL blood sugar and NORMAL cholesterol! TODAY I choose to take control. Last edited by pluggy's ready : 12-16-2006 at 08:15 PM.

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12-15-2006, 09:11 AM	#2
sweetcrimson Junior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: texas Posts: 50 Gallery: sweetcrimson Stats: 248/cw185 :( 165/148 NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/03	I have eaten on plan for 3 days now. woohoo! my cravings are pretty much gone. I have to bake christmas cookies that i'm giving as gifts on sunday with my dd and dm so that will be difficult but i'm thinking/hoping i can handle it.weekends are hard for me!

12-15-2006, 09:29 AM	#3
dantesmom MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: wisconsin Posts: 2,885 Gallery: dantesmom WOE: atkins Start Date: July 2006	THe weekends are the absolute hardest for me too. DO you have a buddy that will keep you accountable to help with the cookies? Just take it five minutes at a time if you have to and, if you have to write in your journal 15 times a day to not eat a cookie, do it. I know you can do this, you are a strong woman and this cant hold you back!

12-16-2006, 11:00 AM	#4
indogia MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 1,020 Gallery: indogia	you can do this!!

12-18-2006, 01:33 PM	#6
sweetcrimson Junior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: texas Posts: 50 Gallery: sweetcrimson Stats: 248/cw185 :( 165/148 NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/03	i'm dredding this entry because i have to admit how bad i did yesterday and this morning. it's times like this that make me feel so hopeless. well i am starting over starting now, trying not to give up. I appreciate the nice replies and support. i know there are people that battle this everyday just like me. i remember when i first discovered low carb woe and got my life under control for a long time. i would read the bulletin board and see people with messages like the ones i'm writing now. i would always want to help them. i thought i had my own problems under control for the rest of my life. the truth is that food is my addiction and i will always have a problem when i am stressed or sad. i wish i could be abstinate from eating- but that is not possible. this yr has been very hard and i guess i have been medicating myself with food- well overdosing pretty much. my little boy has been going to therapy after having continued behavior problems at school. he is only 4 and has already been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. his father and i got a divorce last year when i found out he had been doing meth! we had been separated and living in the same house for the kids sake. he was often very violent and alot of times the kids would hear or see things. he is now in jail and will be transfered to prison. this has been soooo hard on my children, especially my little boy because he was very close to my ex. when he was born i had a c-section and they left a lap sponge in me that obstructed my bowel. my ex did not think it was that big a deal when i couldn't have a BM for 21 days. when we finally went to the emergency room after i was having hallucinations could no longer breast feed. my baby's soft spot had sunken in. If that hadn't happened I don't know if i would have gone because i had lost all sense of time and had no idea i had been sick for so long.my ex was very cruel to me during this time.as we were getting in the car i remember him saying- let's go kids cuz mama can't sh*t! i remember thinking- i am getting the heck away from him when this is over. after having a sono and x-ray i had emergency surgery to remove the sponge. they had to leave the c-section open to heal from the inside out because there was a coke can size abscess that they were afraid would continue if they closed the incision. i was taking care of the baby at night in the hospital and my husband would get mad if i woke him up for help with the baby. i couldn't even get up by myself and would just roll over and off the bed to get the baby. i began to have such a strong dislike for my ex because of all of that. as a result of my c-section drama i had physical and psychological complications. i had panic attacks and severe atypical depression and post partum depression. i tried to avoid my ex as much as possible. my poor baby had such a hard time. my ex took care of him alot during this time. although my depression and anxiety continued, i was able to go back to work a yr later working nights as a pediatric nurse. my ex stayed home and took care of my son. they were sooo close. he played with him all the time and hardly ever disciplined him when he did something wrong. this went on for another yr until my ex decided to go back to work. i was still working nights to keep from having to see my husband. everyday he dropped him off from daycare and picked him up in the afternoon. they were inseperable. he would take him pretty much everywhere with him. letting him do whatever he wanted. now i'm dealing with all the effects of my son losing the most important person in his life. i feel so guilty and powerless in the whole situation.i was not there for my kids for so long emotionally while dealing with all my issues. my kids have lost their father. after my ex is released from prison he will be deported to mexico because of the charges against him. he says he's going to come back to be close to his kids. all these things are soo stressful. i do have to say that things are much better since he finally left the house last yr. i got my son on a schedule and have been consistant with his life and care. my kids are very happy and appear to be adjusting very well besides the behavior problems associated with ADHD and ODD with my son in pre-k. he has been hitting, biting, and kicking teachers. he told the counselor that his dad had left because he didn't like him! that blew my mind. i would do ANYTHING to be able to help my little boy. he is so much like my ex. i worry all the time about what will happen in the future. My daughter is doing great (thank you Lord) but she is 11 and I'm worried about the coming yrs and adolesence. I am a single mother and will never recieve child support for my kids. all of this makes my mind run wild with worry. i then eat and eat and eat and eat trying to numb myself i guess. i know the key to me ever getting in control again is thinking positive and focusing on all my many blessings. i am trying so hard to do that. i have to start living again and not just going through the motions everyday. my kids see me stuffing my face all the time and they see my cry quite often. i have got to get better. my kids deserve to have a normal life. i want to be a good example for my babies. they are my world and always will be and i am all they have right now. wow, well i guess i had alot on my chest. maybe now i won't go eat the 3 dozen cookies that are left that i haven't yet managed to stuff in my freakin mouth!!!!!!!!! i have to make myself understand that it will not make me feel better-only worse!! why is that so darn difficult for me to understand. PLUGGY, i think i may have to go around thith a bandana over my mouth all the time for a while until things get a little better

12-18-2006, 06:44 PM	#7
pluggy's ready Senior LCF Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 243 Gallery: pluggy's ready	((((sweetcrimson)))) I'm so sorry for all you've been through and are going through. Use your journal/diary to it's fullest to get things off your chest and document things. You'll be able to look back later and see how much progress you've made. You can get through this, and you can lose the weight. Keep posting and reading on this board, okay? And if you think wearing the bandana for a while will help make you more conscious of what you're eating, DO IT. Slightly off topic: but when I quit smoking many years ago, I used a baby pacifier to substitute for when I wanted a cigarette. I used it at home, and then at work we had a private office I could slip into for a 'smoke' and I'd use it there. What I'm getting at is this: do what you need to do to get to where you want to be, even if it seems a little silly. After three tries at quiting smoking, the baby pacifier was the only thing that worked.

12-18-2006, 07:04 PM	#8
sweetcrimson Junior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: texas Posts: 50 Gallery: sweetcrimson Stats: 248/cw185 :( 165/148 NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/03	thank you for the help pluggy. i will keep writing in the journal. this is the first journal i have ever started in my life. i have been scared to have one because i was always afraid of someone finding it lol. there are some things though that i was thinking about writing about in a more private place. there are things that have happened in my life that i know i need to get out. that's probably part of the reason i am using food as therapy. i went to an OA meeting a few months ago but was unable to return due to childcare problems. there i learned that i need to make an extensive inventory and i think journaling would be the best way. well i'll try to be back tomorrow

12-20-2006, 03:00 PM	#9
sweetcrimson Junior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: texas Posts: 50 Gallery: sweetcrimson Stats: 248/cw185 :( 165/148 NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/03	i've been doing really bad the past three days. I think it's cuz i had to take the kids to see their dad at the jail yesterday. I ate everything i could get my hands on. I had to purge just to be able to lay down to go to sleep. it's embarrasing just writing this so hopefully not that many people will read it. i am making myself write this down so i can keep track of my good days and bad. can i get that much more rock bottom?? i'm scared to find out.