It's Time

[summergirl]

It's time, time to stop messing around.

It's time to stop the yo-yoing.

It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself.


I know what to do and it's time to do it already!!

[summergirl]

I decided to start a new journal because the old one was filled with yo-yoing, flipflopping and too much negative.

This journal will be filled with patience and love for myself but with brutal honesty as well.

I have been battling these 30-40 pounds for over 2 years now....no need to get into what happened that led to the weight gain because I feel like that will only reinforce negativity.

I am strong and ambitious and I am tired of my own excuses.


12/9/06
LBS 166.5
ARM 11.5
CHEST 39
RIBS 31.5
WAIST 30.5
HIPS 37.5
BUNS 42.5
THIGH 23
KNEE 15

I have tried every 'diet' known to man this year. I know in my heart that lowcarb is the way for me to go. I feel like a million bucks when I am eating lowcarb, I love the appetite suppression, the extra energy, and all the food that is allowed.

I know how to eat, I know I need to exercise....here we go.

this morning 1 hour powerwalk.

5 days a week I will exercise for at least 45 minutes.
I will eat good healthy lowcarb foods, I will eat slowly and enjoy every bite and stop eating when I am satisfied.
If I stumble, I will dust myself off and keep going. I will have hopefully learned something from the experience.
There will be no more 'starting tomorrows"

todays weight 162.0

[summergirl]

Todays weigh in 162.5...

Ate awesome yesterday but had too much alcohol. Need to get that in check, keep using the 'its the holidyas' excuse. Well its not like we had a party to go to last night, we were just home doing the normal family thing.

I am NOT in the Xmas spirit at all this year and I really need to be. I have 3 small kids that need me in the right spirit. I am hoping its TOM talking, he is about halfway thru. I dont even want to go Xmas shopping or fill out Xmas cards. I am going to fake it till I make it I guess.

I know that once I am back into ketosis that will help, I have major brain fog right now and with TOM here I just feel cruddy.

Lots to do today...my back is killing me and I have cramps like nobodys business but I am not going to let these issues dictate my day or eating. I will geta walk in today, I will eat good today...and I will do something to try and get my a$$ into the Xmas spirit already!

[summergirl]

1 hour powerwalk done...whew cannot wait until I feel like I am getting back into shape. I had mono and only really started feeling better the last 2 weeks, sleeping thru 6 weeks of my life left me feeling very marshmellow-y and out of shape completely. I know if I just keep it up by the beginning of the year I will start reaping the benefits again.

keep it up....keep it up...you can do it...

[summergirl]

Struggling today....in the spirit of being honest,

I have eaten well today, a very small slice of low carb cheesecake for breakfast and some ground beef and green beans for lunch and a couple cups of coffee with cream.

I am at the point right before I go into ketosis where I feel like crap...I am craving, I am shakey and nauseaus...this sucks. TOM isnt helping and being a little hungover certainly isnt any help either.

I decided to have a small cup of plain yogurt with sf jelly, a tbsp of pb and a few nuts mixed in. It was good, too good and too high carb I know. After my first bowl i made another one (here comes a binge, ughh) I had a few bites of the 2nd bowl and I realized how lame I was being.

I have control of what goes in my mouth, for petes sake I am an adult and I need to get this right already. I quickly threw the rest of the concotion in the trash...went to fitday to see the damage and I am only up to 40 carbs today. If I can stay low carb the rest of the day I should be fine.

I felt the need to be honest and confess and hopefully learn something from my negative, self destructive behaviors that have really just got out of control lately.

I am proud that the 2nd bowl was thrown out after a few bites. I need to be in auto drive until ketosis hits me hard. i know what I can eat, when I am hungry I need to think of food as fuel and not entertainment or comfort.

I threw the jar of sugar free jelly out too...pb and J sandwiches are a huge trigger for me and the sf jam made it almost seem legal.
Need the kids to finish off the yogurt too, I love yogurt. I should just pour a huge tub of sugar into in so i wont touch it again.

I alrerady have a tummy ache

[summergirl]

Todays weight 161

So even though I stumbled a little yesterday I got right back up and am even down a pound or so.

Watched the biggest loser finale last night~wow. It reminded me of 8 years ago when I had had enough and lost 100 pounds and completely changed myself inside and out.
I need that mindset again, back then NOTHING was going to get in my way...I had a goal and I WAS going to sucseed. And I did...

Need to get some old photos out today. Lookibng at me when I was a size 6 and 125-130 pounds really motivates me. Maybe I should hang one of the pics on the fridge!

[summergirl]

Another 1 hour powerwalk in, cannot wait until this isnt so painful!

Feeling strong and motivated...TOM is leaving the building soon and that is really helping. Stopped taking my St Johns wort last month and I think that was a mistake...

Waist is already feeling slimmer and I LOVE that!

[summergirl]

OMG, talk about a hungry day! This is usually what happens tight before ketosis hits and/or a big whoosh is coming. I am doing my best to not overeat...I have been snacking all day.Trying to take this one hour at a time...these are the times I usually cave and eat some junk food and lots of it, I cannot do it anymore. I need to eat a nice filling legal meal...no cheating,no cheating,no cheating!!

[summergirl]

holding at 161...

ate a lot yetserday and even a few bites of an off plan food...but I am not giving up. I am going to make thru the holiday without a weight gain if it kills me....my ultimate goal is to end the year in the 150's.

Its friday FINALLY!!!

[summergirl]

todays weight 160.5...we are haeded in the right direction finally.

Appetite suppression is finally starting to hit me, thank you lord!

Trying not to dwell on the fact that I was allll the way down to 151 just a month or so ago, I hate having to relose the same weight again. I will not waste another year not achieving my goals and feeling sorry for myself becasue of it.
On January 1st of this year i felt so motivated and I had fire I weighed 172 and I thought I had finally reached that place. By Jan. 11th I was down to 160.5....I have made it as low as 151 several times this year and back into the 170's several times as well.

I WILL NOT KEEP REPEATING THIS MADNESS!!

Just 3 short years ago I was 128 pounds ...3 years ago...I still have all my old 'cute' clothes...I WILL get back into my favorite jeans even if they are out of style by the time I get there, they WILL fit me again.

So thts me today, determined not to dwell on the past year of yo-yoing. I will do my best each and everyday and I will get there. I will make it through the holidays and end the year in the 150's if it kills me. I cannot completely start over again on january 1st again. I just cant.

I am going to get there.

Confindence...I have it!

[summergirl]

Todays weight 159...wooohoo broke back into the 150's.

Just need to get through the next 2 weeks!!!

Busy day as usual............

[summergirl]

11 more days of holiday madness,11 more days of holiday madness....

I am doing something I have always wanted to do in March...I will be playing on an all womens soccer team
I used to play and was quite good but that was over 10 years ago and about 30-35 pounds less.

I am scared

I am only 31 years old and I am in horrible shape...I can powerwalk for an hour but to play soccer

I need to lose some serious weight before I will feel good running around in shorts IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE

Right now I am marshmallow women and that has to change.

this soccer team was my idea, I cant believe it actually caught on and I have a team full of friends that want to join me. It feels good to be doing something for myself...the kids (all 3) are in sports and activities nearly year round and it feels good to do something for my health now.

Vacations, anniversaries,summer, pool parties...none of these have motivated me enough to actually lose this weight but this will. I want to be able to run and have endurance and play hard and not be obsessed with how much my ass and thighs are shaking.

I have 2.5 months to get my act together. I want to be an athlete again, I want to feel good in my own skin again...its been a long time.

11 more days of holiday madness to get through...I need to stay strong. deciding to 'just enjoy the holidays' can easily mean 10 extra pounds to lose come january 1st, and that is not okay.

11 more days.....

[summergirl]

Gawd, yesterday was an awful eating day...no need for details but it was bad!

I am feeling this nagging in my head that if I dont endulge and 'enjoy' the holidays that I will not get it out of my system and i will feel ripped off somehow after the holidays are over. January 1st has always been a fresh start for me...even those 5 years I kept off my 100 pound weight loss, I overindulged through the holidays and gained a good 10-12 pounds every year and come january 1st i would be on the straight and narrow again and it would be gone in no time.

I think I am rambling here and not making much sense...but its my journal so it makes sense to me! I am so freakin scared that I will not be able to get my act together and really lose this weight...negative self talk has really gotta go...its bad.

I am scared that these 2 plus years of serious yo-yoing have done damge to my skin that is not fixable. I have lost and gained (and quickly) the same 20 pounds soooo many times in the last 2 years.

My legs and rear area are a mess....I didnt even have cellulite when I weighed over 200 pounds way back when, but its bad now. My thighs shake like there is only jello inside and no muscle

I dont know, my body really grosses me out and its more than the fact that I weigh 160 pounds or wear a size 12 becuase I think there are some really beautiful womwn at that size, its the condition my body is in that is really bringing me down. I know losing 10 pounds over 2 weeks on a strict diet only to gain it back in 4 days with binge eating and sometimes drinking is bad. I know I have more fat on my body because of this.

Its gotta stop....I want to take care of myself for once. I want to feel healthy again. I need to stop doubting myself! I am worth this, I know what to do, for petes sake I HAVE done it before...I need to just do it.

Lots to do today, too much...can it just be Christmas eve already!!?? I havent been to the cementary yet to see my Dad I still have a hard time with that, I am still bitter that I have to the cemetary to see my dad on holidays...I miss him a lot.

Just rambling today....yesterday was awful as far as eating goes, need to make sure not to do that everyday for the next 2 weeks or I will have an extra 10 pounds to lose in the new year

[summergirl]

Well...yesterday was 100 times better than the day before, not perfect but it was decent as far as trying to maintain my weight goes.
I am just taking it one meal at a time.
I cant believe that tomorrow is Christmas eve! The year is nearly over already.

DH had a very busy week, but now it seems that he can relax and enjoy the next 3 days with us at home. I am definantly in the Christmas spirit now...it took a little while this year but I have it now.

I have to turn things around in 2007, I cannot continue on this pattern of getting a little bigger every year. I am still young and I feel very young still on the inside. I want to look as good as I feel. My weight gain is holding me back from a lot...I have lost so much confindence in myself and that is not okay with me.

Off to do my powewalk...hopefully soon it will be a jog and not a walk!!

[summergirl]

Well had a wonderful Christmas...sad its over.

I took Christmas eve and the day off, that was planned and I feel good about my choice. No desire to overeat today as I am very bloted and feeling swollen.

I have decided to not weigh until january 1st...my only hope is on 1/1/07 that I am still in the 150's to start off the year( I have a good feeling I will be)

I have some very ambitiuos plans for january....I need to lose this weight already. I have already told DH that I will not be drinking any alcohol the month of January and I want to eat in everynight...we need to save some money anyway.
There will be no more excuses...I have used them all this year. Its time to just do it already. I am ready to feel good again!

I need to prove to myself that I still 'have it"....I am too young to have given up on myself, its ridiculous. I want my waist back, I want my energy back, my confidence...I want it all. Looking back through old photos has proved very inspiring to me...I want to do even better this time. I want to be in better shape than I was just a few years back! And I was in awesome shape then...I could run 6 miles straight without stopping. I coudl not imagine running more than a block at a time right now, its overwhelming to me.


So I am hoping that I am in the 150's when the new year starts and by the end of January I am hoping to be at 140.0 or very close...I will not beat myself up if I stick to my plan and do not get to 140.0. I just know its very doable if I stick to my plan and JUST DO IT>

Lots to look forward to in the new year and I will not waste the year feeling fat and scared and sad...becasue that is not me.

[summergirl]

Well decided to brave the scale this morning because not weighing was playing the dumb mental games with me...like if I dont see it its not really there kind of thing. Well it was there, a gain of 5 pounds.

CRAP, that sucks!

164 pounds...

I have to lose 34 pounds to get back to my comfortable weight...34 pounds...sigh that seems like such an enormous amount.

How in the world did I get here? How did i let another ENTIRE year by without 'doing it'?

I can not wait to start my plan on January 1st...everyday that goes by I feel the need to 'get it out of my system' well these extra pounds that I am tacking on right now are not benefitting me at all.
Waiting until the first is just an excuse to eat bad for another 5 days.

Just feeling a little defeated this morning, didnt think I had gained 5 pounds...but it is what it is.

Okay, no more feeling sorry for myself this morning..I weighed, I held myself accountable and its time to move on.

Need to stay positive or nothing good will happen in my life, I have control of this situation 100 percent control.

[summergirl]

Decided that waiting until the 1st was just plain dumb...an excuse to continue the pig out fest-no more.

I weighed and measured today and here is my plan.

I have started the K/E with a slight modification until the 1st...I will allow a few drinks during social stuff we have but I will keep the food 100 percent legal. The 31st all bets are off and I will enjoy that day and all the parties we have to go to.

I weighed 164 again this morning....once the 1st hits its 100 percent legal K/E until I see 140 pounds on the scale or i hit a size 8 whatever comes first.

I feel really good about my decision to just get on with it already, no sense in making the journey even longer and harder by adding more chub!

B~ 2 eggs scrambled in pam
L~leftover turkey breast from Xmas
D~baked chk. breast

If we go out a few rum and diets

[summergirl]

Did very well...I did have alcohol that I was okay with...geez, forgot how much harder it hits you when there are no carbs in your body.

I weighed in at 161.5.
I am very pleased with this start, even with my wine drinking last night I am down a few.

Feeling good...today marks the day I get back into exercsizing so I need to get outt here in a bit.

Same plan for today as yesterday K/E with alcohol if we go out...trying to keep it matter of factly-just do what I need to do-there is no need to think about it or analize anything too deep.

Just keep swimming girl!

[summergirl]

Happy New year!!

This year on january 1st 2007 I am starting 13 pounds lighter than last year and for that reason I am a happy girl!

1/1/06 I weighed 172 and this morning I weighed in at 159....So all things considered I am happy to be starting this new year in the 150's rather than 170's and I am starting in a comfy size 12 rather than a 14....

I had a planned day off for new Years eve but the stomach bug got me bad and I ended up having a pretty skimpy menu and only 1 sip of champagne to ring in the New year. Chicken noodle soup and french toast was about all that sounded good...but its all good. Today I am feeling a little better, actually a lot better.

I am feeling very motivated to get this party started. I have big plans for this month, I need to lose a good chunk of weight, I need a new low, I need to finally get into those elusive 10's that I have been so close to fitting into forever. I need to get this body in shape...I have 7 weeks until my birthday and I do not want another fat birthday. I have had over 2 years of this sad weight hanging onto my body and its finally time to say- see ya!!

Its going to be great year in so many ways!!

[summergirl]

Still feeling great today menatally, belly is still a little yucky but that will pass.

Thinking about my goals today and I think I might make some changes. I am still so curious about how my measurements are so low....they are as low as when I weighed 10 pounds less and that got me to thinking (lord help us all)That maybe its really time to stop using the scale as my main source of motivation. I would really love to see the 120's on the scale again but I have seen so many women on this very website with my height (5'6) that weigh 145-155 and wear a comfy 6-8.

I would love to know that I may only be about 10 pounds away from my goal...the size of jeans is much more important than the number on the scale, right?? of course!! So its time to start acting like it.

I had planned on doing a stillmans/K/E type plan through most of january...does that sound like a recipe for disaster or what. I had hoped that a month of Stillmans would get me down to 140 lickity split and I could worry about exercsing the next month...this doesnt feel like the best or healthy route anymore.

I love exercsing, I dont want to give it up for a month because i cannot exercise on stillmans, i feel like dead weight, almost like a zombie.

If I am going to play soccer in March I need to keep up with exercsing, not starve myself for a month.

I want this year to be different, I want to feel healthy the entire journey of getting healthy. I have to stop the binge/starve cycle for good.

I have to stop the negative voices that tell me I cannot do certain things, whether its with my job, fitness, diet, my family ect. I need to take back control of my life.

I am one step away from being the victim and that is NOT me, I refuse to be that person. I am strong and I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Its going to take awhile to train my mind to be positive again, I have really lived in this pit of sadness since my Dad died...this is not what he would have wanted me to do with myself, I want him to be proud of me and up until now I have not been doing that.

I have been doing the bare minimum to get by with everything in my life, I give up way too easily on everything. Just remebering how full of life I was just 3 years ago is amazing to me...I am barely a shell of that women but I know I have it in me to get back there.

My biggest problem with weight loss is patience, I have none...I expect miracles and I dont know why or where that started but it has to stop. I lost 100 pounds 8 years ago and I was very patient with my body, I knew that if I perservered that I would come out on top.
Now if I have eaten well for 2 days and I have not gone down in the scale I throw up my hands in such a dramatic fashion and whine the rest of the day that my body is broken, gimme a break will ya!

I have so many goals this year and getting my healthy body back is just one of them. I need to take control of my business and take is seriously. I need a schedule, I need to keep that schedule and get my office work done.
The rest of the family is going to have to pitch in with the housework or we need a maid, but the business needs to have some sort of priority.Right now it has none, and I know my Dad is not happy with that one.

Dad, I promise I will get this right.

I didnt exercise today and I am not going to beat myself up for that, I am still not 100 percent so maybe tomorrow or maybe the next day when the kids go back to school. I am ready to be back on a routine alreay!!

Wow, guess I had a little to journal today.

[summergirl]

Didnt weigh today and dont know when I will again. ..I have 3 pairs of size 10's that are going to be my guide for awhile. They are so super close to actually fitting that at this point I could care less what the dumb scale says.

Last night (and dont ask me why ) I decided to weigh myself...I was up to 166? WTH! I thought, up 7 pounds by the end of the day?? Well who knows, maybe I was holding a bunch of water or its early PMS or my scale is broken, whatever but instantly I was mad and irriatated and ready to throw in the towel.

Now the rational summer knows that I could not possibly gain 7 pounds of fat in 12 hours- but the irrational summer didnt care and was mad to see the increase.
The number on the scale just brings me down and dosent matter that my measurements are doing so well...anyway.

Just thinking outloud here but I would love, love, love to stop weighing completely and just go by how my clothes are fitting. Its a scary thought not knowing how much I weigh and I would hate if I used this as an excuse to overeat because I was in denial. The whole cant see it its not there thing but I honestly think I am ready to get healthy.

I was thinking last night about what 'diet' would work best for me and ya know what I came up with was that I dont need a diet I need a lifestyle...did you hear that??!!
I need a lifestyle...bells went off in my head, finally. I need something that I can live with forever and not feel deprived ect. Its not about starting a 'diet' or going off a 'diet' its about finding a way of eating that i love and is good for my body and will support the crazy workouts I have planned to get me in shape for soccer.

It felt so good to be thinking so healthy...no more weight loss goals that are nearly impossible. For me there will be small goals each month that are totally attainable.

This months goal is to comfortably fit into those 3 size 10's that are so very close by Feb. 1st. I know with low carb eating and all the exercise I am doing that in 4 weeks that should not be a problem.

On Feb. 1st I can make a new goal...I thinking taking baby steps will be good for me.

Just feeling very healthy, motivated and excited to see what the new year will bring.
I know with a positive attitude that nothing can get in my way.

[summergirl]

Didnt weigh in again as planned...feels very strange to not strip down and weigh first thing guess I will get used to it.

Did a 90 min powerwalk this morning despite a sore throat and nasty freezing cold wind in my face.

I have to get myself in shape for soccer!!!!

I have exactly 2 months and its going to fly by...I dont want to regret these next 2 months or still have these jiggly tree trunks for legs.

Need to get to the store, its friday and I need some good low carb food. I think I will try some new recipes. Going to be a homebody weekend, need to get all of this Christmas stuff put away, house cleaned and I hope to get a few good workouts in. Justa nice cozy weekend at home with the family.

Gotta get busy...its already 11 and all I have done is exercise.

[summergirl]

So the weight increase the other day now makes sense...

Duh, TOM came early! I never, ever assume that...I seem to forget that I am a woman and TOM happens every month.

I was pretty good this weekend if you dont include saturday in the weekend part...PMS hit me like a ton of bricks and I was way off plan.
I recovered fine and excpet for nyquil last night I did fine.
I have a nasty cold that is kicking my butt...nyquil was my savior last night, probably again tonight.

I should probably start weighing regulary again now that I know what happened last week. I dont want this to turn into a month of not weighing and too scared to get on the scale. What I need to do is to stop flipflopping ideas but at least this is about weighing and not 'plans'.

I need to get my rear to the grocery store today big time, I am out of everything. I am even down to my last serving of coffee.
I have no dinner ideas so I think I need to check out some of the recipes around here. I need to 'bulk' cook for a few days and freeze some stuff for the weekends. I know if I had some low carb stuff made up that saturday would have been okay food wise. I was too sick to go to the store and I just didnt care...so lesson learned for upcoming weekends.

Feeling a lot of stress with me and Dh's business, we are overdrawn again and I cant send out payroll or pay any of the bills that are due this week.I just dont know how much longer we can hold on...the stress is awful but I know if we make it that will really benfit us (especially the kids)later on in life.
I have an audit in 2 days and I havent even begun to get the paperwork together...gotta get on it.

[summergirl]

Alright..decdied to weigh

161...deep breathing, you are alright...keep breathing

Okay, so I am on day 2 of TOM and I have had Nyquil to help me sleep the past few nights BUT I have been so freaking good except for ONE day out of the last 3 weeks that I am ready to SCREAM.

I am not losing faith, there will a whoosh waiting for me very soon or my measurements will rock because I have been kicking ass in the exercsing dept.


OMG, it really hurt to see that I was still in the 160's...I have such big dreams for this year and I feel like I am running in place.
Instead of getting SAD like I usually do, I am going to get MAD and work harder.

I am not broken, this WILL work, just keep on swimming girl!