amanda jean's juicy journal

[amandajean]

Okay, so maybe I'm jumping in a little early as I haven't started yet, not until next friday - a week from today. Next week I will take a day to clean out my fridge and cupboards of everything that doesn't belong, and then when I get paid I can stock it with greens and chicken, eggs, celery, sparkling and flavored water, lots of crunchy veggies...
I know it's the holidays, and working so many night shifts that I don't get to see the light of day, but I've been so depressed lately, and after losing 60 pounds last year and throwing out all my "big" clothes, nothing fits me anymore. (I went from 250 down to 190 and then recently, back up to 220-something.) I've been thinking, I can't - I won't - go back to my original weight... not after all the work I put into losing that weight. Not after seeing what a huge difference it made in my life to lose that weight, how good I felt. I know 190 sounds like a high weight, but it put me in a size 14, and to go from size 22 to 14 and be the same size I was in grade 8 was AMAZING.
It felt amazing to fit into size 14 or even size 12 jeans, to try on a bathing suit and not feel like dropping dead. But I can see that slipping away from me, and I'm not willing to see that happen. The worst part for me is seeing the look of pity on people's faces, people who couldn't keep their mouths shut when I was losing weight, constantly telling me how great I looked every time they saw me, and now they see me and say nothing. Their silence tells me they think I look awful. I know this may be my own interpretation, but I've been trained to think this way, through years of emotional and verbal abuse.
And even more importantly, I have for the first time in my life an amazing boyfriend who I know loves me (and to feel truly loved by someone you love is an amazing feeling - I've never had that before) and I can't have a functional relationship with him if I'm depressed and crying all the time, unstable from sugar highs and LOW lows; we both deserve more than that.

Only a week to go, and then I can begin my journey. I'm so happy to have this journal...I'm sure it will serve me well.

[amandajean]

Counting down the days now... making shopping lists in my head and looking forward to get back into those size 14 jeans and then maybe size 10 jeans eventually? I can't even picture that - I've been a "fat girl" my whole life. Even after losing 60 pounds last year and got down to a size 14, I still felt fat - not uncommon I know, just strange. I think I am right on target with my goal weight... I check the BMI calculator and found I have a BMI of 35 right now, and at 160 I would have a BMI of 25, considered healthy. How amazing that would be, to be "healthy". The last time I felt healthy I was probably eight years old. I'm also looking forward to rewarding myself with a bikini (my first one!) and new clothes, maybe a holiday...

[amandajean]

Day One...

...Went according to plan. I remained under twenty carbs today, drank a lot of coffee and water. I'm really addicted to food - always wanting to be consuming something so when I felt that way I would have a bottle of water or a coffee. I went grocery shopping and bought lots of food after cleaning out my fridge and cupboards this morning. It felt really good. I am doing really well despite having a really effin awful day so I'm proud of myself. I even took my friend out for cheesecake and was able to sit there and not feel angry that I wasn't having any.

Yay me.

[Luv2Knit]

Just wanted to say hello and show you my stats too. We're very similar...I was a size 14 in 8th grade too...lol. You can do this Amanda...you are smart and strong and have the will.

[amandajean]

Luv2Knit,

Thank you for all your support. I have faith that I can do this - I just need to consider how great it will feel to reach my goal. Feel free to continue commenting - I'm hoping to update this journal every day.

[amandajean]

It's 1:23 a.m. and the middle of day two ... or something... I work the graveyard shift on the weekends so I guess I slept through most of day two. Anyway.

When I woke up I had a salad with parmesan cheese and mustard/olive oil dressing, and friend up two small cheeseburgers. I realized that I really hate hamburger meat. My whole (tiny) apartment smells like fried beef, and it's probably the lack of seasoning, but I'd rather spend a little more and eat chicken and pork instead. It's going to be hard for me through the winter, when sometimes I only work two days a week, and live below the poverty line. I won't always have lots of money for groceries. There's always tuna, sigh.

Later I had a coffee with sugar-free hazelnut syrup... mmm good. I made myself a salad with mixed greens and imitation lobster mixed with a little chopped red pepper, and mayo. I know imitation meats are a nono, but I felt okay about it until I read online tonight that imitation lobster has 8 grams of carbs per 100 grams. Not good. Of course it tastes good to me - it's made with sugar! I have to break that sugar addiction and then it'll be smooth sailing. Tomorrow I'm going to make stir-fry with gai lan, tofu, and shiritake noodles. It was my friend's birthday this weekend and we're going out tomorrow night (tonight) - as long as I stick to rye and diet coke I'll be okay, right? No more beer for me.

Staying accountable here... yay accountability!

On a side note, I'm really pround of myself for getting through the first 48 hours sugar-free because I'm having problems with my bf right now and I miss him. Being lonely sure sucks. At least I've got my tuna!

[amandajean]

Dear Self,

Please please please for the love of god, no more maltitol chocolates. You aren't really that masochistic, are you? Do you really enjoy the stabbing stomach pains and diarrhea? No.

Thanks.

[ixtapacheryl]

Ok AmandaJean: You can do this! Just keep remembering how great you felt and looked after you got those 60# off. Do it for yourself and your health!

I too got rid of my clothes - was wearing a size 14 - really should have been 16's. My DH made me toss everything in my closet. So I have nothing to fall back into. I also have been fluctuating these last 3 months and am worried every day that I will go back to 183#.

I know I can do this because I proved it to myself this past March. I can only blame myself if and when I get sloppy in my eating habits. Thinking that just because I lost all this weight I can eat what I want is just plain "stinkin thinkin".

So good luck on your journey and just keep thinking and visualizing how great you will feel and look by this time next year...

[amandajean]

Week one went pretty well. I haven't been eating nearly enough food, as I haven't been very hungry, but in the last couple days I've been making myself stirfries with shiritake noodles and tamari/peanut butter/chili sauce... that's definitely my fave meal. Great with beef and broccoli. I've been eating lots of eggs and trying to remember to drink enough water.

I've decided that I should only weigh myself every two weeks; I have faith in this WOE as I've done it before. I don't need to hop on and off the scale every day. I weighed myself yesterday and I am down four pounds! And I am not going to cheat over christmas. Lots of meat and caesar salad for me!

Hi to everyone who's visited and thank-you for your encouragement. I hope everyone has a safe and relaxing holiday.

[amandajean]

I'm writing this to be accountable. I'm so mad at myself. I came to work today unprepared (without meals) and got hungry later and as there is no way for me to go out and pick up something (no breaks away from the desk) I ordered chinese food and ate all this beef and broccoli and ginger fried beef. And then I felt so bad and angry about that, I thought, well I've screwed up, I might as well have some chocolate. I feel like crying. I'm depressed right now because my life feels like it's falling apart. I hate food. Grrr.

Merry Christmas.

[amandajean]

Things are back on schedule... lots of water everyday to balance the coffee I drink, and as much as I hate cooking for myself, I am trying to eat more meat/tofu/eggs and less salads. I did cheat on xmas day by having an enchilada, but that was the only offense. I got some $$$ for xmas and went boxing-day shopping (crazy!) - I resisted buying lots of clothes, and instead bought a size 12 skirt from the gap, some smaller shirts, and new sneakers. I also bought some MAC makeup I don't want to buy any new clothes that fit me right now, I've got lots of clothes to shrink into.

I'm off to make some stirfry.

No cheating at work this weekend!

[amandajean]

At least I know if I eat at work I get a balanced meal. Tonight I had beef patties and mixed steamed vegetables. The thing that kills me is the candy bars for sale at the counter and all the cookies and baked goods in the kitchen. I've realized that I really am going to have to start eating more than one real meal a day if I want to keep losing weight. I have no appetite right now because I've been depressed, but if I don't keep losing weight I'll be more depressed. I forced myself to make breakfast this morning. It was good: scrambled eggs with sour cream and salsa (1 tbs. each). Tonight my friend is coming over for new year's and we are having a meat/cheese platter.

Happy New Year to all!

[amandajean]

My bf just broke up with me this afternoon! Online! Effin' fantastic. Even while I was at work... great. I am here for another two hours before I can go home and cry.

After not being able to be strict enough with myself on the DANDR, I have decided to kick-start my ketosis by consuming all the low-carb medifast meal replacement shakes I had left over from a year ago. I have about 200 $ worth left, and as I am poor these days I figure I should drink them. They are low-cal low-carb (just google medifast) and not cheap, but I bought them when I had plateaued and was desperate, and they worked. After I run out of shakes in 3 weeks I am going to start the '72 version of Atkins, because I think I need those strict guidelines. I have been drinking the shakes for almost a week now and haven't cheated once! I feel great. Even though I just had my heart broken. I don't even want a gallon of ice cream or anything!

[amandajean]

Well the break up ended amicably after all of the drama... and I weighed myself today for the first time in just over a week and I'm down seven pounds! I know that what I'm doing is working so I won't weigh myself for two weeks, on the 28th. I'm so happy to have lost 11 pounds and people have commented that I am looking slimmer already!

That is the first time I have gone through a breakup and haven't eaten the pain away.

I'm just hoping that once I start Atkin's 72 (in 3 weeks) I will be able to afford it. The meat is what is expensive... but I can always eat lots of eggs, and eat cheap cuts of meat.

[pri17cess72]

Hi Amandajean.

Thanks for stopping by my journal. I decided to stop by yours. Hang in there and be strong. You can do this. I know it is hard right now. Take Care and I will look for your posts.

Take Care,
Liz

[amandajean]

Well today is another day. I don't have much to say as far as my meals go, as I am having four medifast shakes a day and lots of water in between, but I'm only working a couple days a week right now because I don't get extra shifts in these winter months, so I have lots of time, and now it is time to myself. Without a boyfriend. I feel very alone, suddenly. I'm not angry because I knew that we should break up, and we'll both be healthier out of this relationship, and we're going to be friends. I just feel kind of empty.

If I was cooking, that could distract me from this! No cooking for another two weeks, at least. I've been having a salad every day as well, which is fine for the medifast plan, and it appeases my concerned friends who think I'm starving myself.

Yesterday I went thriftstore shopping and got a cute gap denim skirt and new gap black dress pants (both size 10 - my goal size I think), all for 8 dollars! Such a score. The pants are beautiful and look like they've never been worn. Then when I was downtown with my friend, I found a new pair of eyeglass frames that I really like (I wear glasses full time) and decided that once I reach 199 pounds (I understand it's onederland - sounds nice) I will buy those glasses for myself as a reward. I'll be sure to post a picture.


Liz, thanks for dropping in... and your kind comments. I'll keep following your posts too.

[amandajean]

Meals Today:

10 am - 1 shake and water
1 pm - chicken caesar salad from white spot, coffee
4 pm - water and 1 shake
7 pm - 1 shake and litre of water, 3 cheese strings

I'm supposed to have four shakes a day but I wasn't hungry and I'm not going to have another right before I go to sleep. I should be having one every 2-3 hours.

I'm not supposed to be having cheese but I went past them in the grocery store and had a sudden craving. It's too bad we don't crave clothes or makeup or jewelry in the same way we crave food, especially for us emotional eaters. Have you ever had a really bad day and felt like **** so you went out to the mall and tried on tons of clothes? Not likely. More likely is buying a tub of ice cream and eating it in the privacy of your own home, crying. For me, anyways. Which reminds me, my grocery store stopped carrying low-carb ice cream!

Tomorrow I will try to have a shake as soon as I wake up and get in four a day instead of three.

[twinkerbell]

Hi amandajean! It sounds like you are doing well, in spite of your circumstances. Good job! Keep up the good work and keep writing, it does help!

[pri17cess72]

Hi Amandajean,

Just checking in to see how you are doing.
I agree with you about craving clothes instead of food!!

Have a great day!

Liz

[LovesDivine]

Hi Amanda,
I just read your journal. Way to hang in there in spite of the hard times. I am proud of you!!

[amandajean]

First, thanks Liz, Lisa, and Twinkerbell for the kind comments.

Yesterday I was out all day and ended up having only one shake, and coffee and pepperoni and cheese throughout the day. That may be all low-carb, but I am supposed to have four shakes a day - they are meal replacements. Coffee is not a meal, people. Today I am back on track, as I had one shake and 1/2 a litre of water when I woke up. I am drinking two litres of water a day (works out to 8 glasses) - Danone (the yogourt people) makes flavored water now in 1 litre bottles and the grapefruit/green tea is my favorite.

I almost ordered pizza last night with my friend, it sounds so good when you're up late watching movies - but we are glad today that we didn't do that.

[amandajean]

So, I had my two litres of water and a couple shakes today and then I was at the mall too long and ended up desperately buying some chicken wings from zellers (I know that sounds gross to some, but they were fresh and hot, I promise) and ate all six of them even though they had barbeque sauce on them. I know that sauce must be full of sugar. Am I right to be freaking out? I think I might be overreacting - I've been doing that lately, being too hard on myself for the smallest things, like sauce or too much cheese. I just don't want to set myself back.

[LovesDivine]

Yum, grapefruit green tea flavored water sounds yummy! Gonna have to look for that. And good for you for not ordering that pizza. About the bbq sauce,there is probably enough sugar in that to take you out of ketosis. I doubt you want that? Is there any way to get those 'dry' the next time you are in that situation? Not as tasty, but with some ranch or blue cheese dressing...better than a potential stall!!

[amandajean]

Lisa,

Thanks for being honest with me... I need that. You're right about finding a better alternative, but it was just one of those weak moments where I realized how hungry I was - and couldn't think too clearly about what I was eating; I saw the wings and thought "hot chicken" and that was that. At least they weren't breaded! I'll be weighing in on Sunday to see what kind of progress I made this week. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[amandajean]

Okay, I have to stop making stupid allowances for myself. If I'm going to follow medifast and make the most of the rest of these expensive shakes, then I have to stop eating different foods and go, "oh it's okay"... when it's not. Medifast is a low-calorie, low-carb plan. It's not just low-carb. I have to be strict with myself! Drink my 10 glasses of water a day and have four shakes. No food. No cheese, no barbeque chicken wings, no fried eggs. I will weigh myself first thing monday morning, because tonight I have to work all night and don't want to weigh myself when I've been up all night.

Thanks for listening.

[LovesDivine]

How many shakes do you have left? I'm over here going, come on Amanda, finish those shakes so you can start enjoying food again and not be so mentally wiped that you cave on something you should not have while drinking the shakes! I am hanging in there for ya!!

[amandajean]

Lisa,

I know, I know. I have almost two weeks of shakes left but what I'm going to do is continue as best I can until friday (payday) and then start on Atkins 72. I really miss food. The last week's worth of shakes I'll stash away in case I plateau at some point and need a boost. I really hope my weigh-in tomorrow morning doesn't cause me to cry. I feel like I really didn't make much progress this week. Of course I take full responsibility for all that. I know I'll be able to handle meat/eggs much better than shakes.

[LovesDivine]

Originally Posted by amandajean

Lisa,
I know I'll be able to handle meat/eggs much better than shakes.

Oh yeah!!!