Carol's journal attempt

[Carol H]

I know I'm starting this on 11/24/06, but my journaling actually began a couple of days ago. As I was gearing up to fight the Thanksgiving day temptations I starting thinking and analyzing and from that came the random cr@p that is this journal. LOL I'll break it up a bit as I start catching up with myself.

[CarolO]

Just poppong in to say Hi, I am Carol too! There are a lot of us on this board.
Take care and good luck!!!

[Carol H]

8:30 AM

I got up and went to the gym this morning. It was tough, all I really wanted to do was reset the alarm and go back to sleep for a while. Alexander was up from about 1:30-2:00 AM then I had to listen to Chris (dh) snore for a while till I finally fell asleep again.

I hadn't been to the gym for several days so that make it even harder to get up, but I did it! I got to the gym at about 6:10ish. I did my leg weights then the 30 minute abs class and then my arm weights. I was able to get through more of those evil shoulder presses today. Maybe one day I will do all of them.

Scale was back up today, 152lbs

I'm now at the drs office to follow up on what to do with my hip pain while exercising to strengthen my back.

I ate well yesterday - Subway sub for lunch was my only splurge. Today I had broccoli, 2 grape tomatoes, 2 pieces of cheese & French onion dip for breakfast and a liter of water.

[Carol H]

At work now. Nothing major from the dr's appt. Keep exercising and see what happens.

Chris called me, MIL is making apple crisps for dessert tomorrow. I LOVE apple crisp! But I know I have to resist it. It's just not worth it right now. I am trying to get myself back on track now that this rough time of the month is over (not they typical TOM, middle is harder for me - weird!) I intend to stay clean for now to my birthdya. It's going to be really hard. If I can do it clean from now to next "o" time, then it should be easier to resist the next month.

I was just reading in LCF some T-day tips and that was very motivational. I can have a great meal and enjoy the company without eating all the things that are wrong for me. I'll feel better too. I hate that too full feeling! I don't know why I let myself get there so often and always hate myself afterward.

[Carol H]

Went out to lunch - had a chef salad and diet soda. I'm trying to stay away from soda, but not ready to cut it out entirely. I've already drank 2 liters of water and a mug of hot tea so I'm sure it won't hurt me.

Hmmm, am I trying to justify something? How important is it to me to cut out diet soda? I do think that it can sometimes be a trigger for me, making me want to munch something. I also am not a fan of the full/bloated carbonation feeling...Oh well - not that big a deal in the scheme of things.

2:40PM
Day one back on clean eating is almost over. Technically I've already got more than 24 hours down so... I feel great and empowered. I've resisted journaling in teh past, figuring that the thoughts are already running through my head, why write them down. There is a difference though. I'm going to do my best to keep up with it.

[Carol H]

The drive home from work was rough - rainy and lots of traffic. Got home and had a handful or so of oil popped popcorn. Then we went to the gym. I am so glad that Chris is doing the gym, besides the fact that he needs it physically, I like that it is something we can do together. The kids love the child care center so that's good too. We came home and started making dinner. Snacked on a couple of nuts. Wouldn't have, but Chris got them out and I made the poor choice of having some. On plan, but not necessary since I wasn't even hungry. Dinner was salad, a couple of green beans, grilled chicken with backon and bbg sauce. I probably drank 4 full liters of water all total today. At the gym I did 35 minutes on the elliptical. I walked at level 5 with random hills, did 2.92 miles. Then I did some arm weights and sit-ups.

It's funny, after working out I feel almost guilty just sitting and watching tv in the evenings.

[Carol H]

Stress!! Stress sends me to food. The kids were being crazy this morning and I wanted to eat something, anything. Before the kids came along I never noticed myself being an emotional eater. I'm not blaming it on them since I was heavier before I even had kids. I know I eat out of boredom, out of habit, when I'm tired. Regular stress doesn't send me to food - just the kid stress.

So - Happy Thanksgiving! I found myself thinking about the food again. This time it wasn't the apple crisp I was thinking of - it was the stuffing. I love stuffing too! LOL (I just love food). But I don't need it. I'm going to stick to meat and veggies and be happy about it. I weighed in this morning at 149. I want to keep it under 150 for good now!

Breakfast was scrambled eggs with shredded pepperjack cheese and salsa. Also a cup of hot tea with splenda and SF creamer. The tea is hopefully going to help with the awful constipation and subsequent hemorrhoids. UGH!! Okay, I guess that's a bit too much info, huh? LOL

[Carol H]

So Thanksgiving dinner was a bust. I thought I would do it, stay with meat and veggies. I could blame it on lack of selection, green beans and salad were the only low carb options up there. The turkey was already in the gravy so there wasn't too much choice there. So I ate poorly - my choice, my fault... Turkey (minimal gravy) a small spoonful of dressing, corn pudding (very sweet) one sweet potato (tried not to take any extra syrup with it), 1/3 roll with butter and a salad. It wouldn't have been to bad if I stopped there, but then I had some chocolate mousse (with carrot cake at the bottom for some reason?) and cheesecake with cherries on top. I did share bites with the kids, but the damage was done. I've also not had much water today, I need to do better with that the rest of the night.

Everyrone is trying to talk me into the apple crisp, since I already ate lunch but I'm not gonna! I ate lunch with in an hour so I can count that as a CAD day, reward meal. Dinner is sandwiches - I'll eat without the bread and I baked some apples with splenda and cinnamon for dessert. Tomorrow we'll head to the gym and work out hard.

[Carol H]

Dinner was lunch meat and cheese. I had 3 thin slices of ham, 2 thin slices of roast beef, a slice of cheddar and a slice of swiss cheese. Then I ate my splenda baked apple. Now my stomach hurts like I've eaten too much. Weird. I did drink a couple glasses of water. I've also seemed to have solved, temporarily I'm sure, my constipation issues. I need to buy more of that tea tomorrow.

How do I feel? Okay I guess, a little disappointed that I didn't stick to my resolve but I guess I'll fall back on my misplaced since of entitlement and say, "well, it was a holiday so I should be allowed to endulge." Tomorrow is NOT a holiday so no excuses allowed.

7:30

So my did I eat the stuff at lunch? I don't know, I wanted to and saw not eating it as denying myself. I think that is the part I need to change. It should just be that these foods I eat and these foods I don't . Period.

Here's the other thing, the desserts didn't even taste that good to me, yet I ate them all, every last bite. That doesn't even make sense, I should have at least stopped after the first few bites, but it didn't even occur to me. Still the clean your plate mentality I guess.

How badly do I want to lose the weight?

How badly do I want to be healthy?

Why do I keep justifying things..."I can always be good tomorrow" "Just one bite isnt' a big deal" "I'm a pretty good size now, why do I need to be smaller"

What do I really want?

Why do I want to be thinner?

That's my problem I guess - I don't know the answers to those two questions. That's why I waver in my dedication and motivation. Gotta think on it more!

[Carol H]

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I'm feeling pretty good. The scale today was 149, same as yesterday. Chris and I went to the gym this morning. I did 13 minutes on the elliptical. I set it on random at level 10! Great workout now that my quads don't bother me. Then I did my weights, both upper body and lower body. I got through everything except a last (3rd) set of bicep curls.

My eating was good today too. Breakfast was 2 scrambled eggs with pepperjack cheese and salsa. Lunch was a can of tuna salad (w/mayo and relish) on a LC tortilla plus two slices of American cheese. I also had some cashews. Dinner was steak and green beans. I finished up with my tea, hopefully that'll keep things moving tomorrow.

We were pretty busy today so I didn't take any time for contemplation of my big questions yesterday.

[Carol H]

Hi Carol O! I've been here for awhile, but still trying to get my act together and this is my newest try. LOL

[Carol H]

Today went well. Exercise this morning with Chris. 45 minutes on the treadmill. All the ellipticals were taken this morning so it was the treadmill for me. I worked at 4 mph w/hills at level 4 most of the time. I did bump it up to 5 mph a couple of times to run, did a total of 9 minutes of running w/in the 45 minutes. Sad, but progress. LOL

Food today: Breakfast was egg/cream cheese pancake and hot tea.
Lunch was ham and cheese w/lettuce, tomato and mayo on a LC wrap and a cup of lc yogurt.
Dinner was shrimp (in marinara sauce) and a salad.
Only about 2 liters of water today. I did have 2 cans of diet soda.
Some nuts for a snack this afternoon and some sf jello this evening.

Scale was still at 149 this morning.

I want to look good naked. I think that is my goal in this thing. But I also think that is too, I don't know, unattainable, immeasurable...whatever. So I guess I want to look good, feel good in clothes, have them fit w/o worrying about rolls or bulges. I want to be noticed by guys (my husband!! at least!!). Why though. These are the thoughts going through my head.

Why is it important to me for guys to notice me? I've been married for 11 1/2 years and I have 3 children. Why do I want to be noticed? I should only be looking for approval from myself, not from others.

Hmmm. More thinking to do I guess...

[Carol H]

Happy to report a 1lb loss this morning. I weighed 148! I also noticed some inches lost. My waist and belly button measurements were both about a half inch less.

Breakfast was just some mixed nuts and water because I was running late for church. The kids ate cereal in the car and I had the nuts.

Lunch will be tuna salad on a lc tortilla w/lettuce and tomato.

I was thinking more this morning about why I want to lose weight. I also have some non-vain reasons too. LOL I am considered pre-diabetic and I have high cholesterol. I want to bring the cholesterol down to normal levels and I want the threat of diabetes lessened. I don't want to deal with all that comes with that.

[Carol H]

Busy day here. We finished up all the winterizing outside work this afternoon. I feel really good about that. I didn't make it to the gym (dh either) but ran around so much all afternoon that I'm sure it counts as a workout. We cleared off the back patio, got all the outside chairs and stuff stored for the winter. The garage got reorganized and the storage basement too. DH took care of the rest of the leaves today. Did I write that I got up on our roof yesterday to clear out the gutters! I've never walked around on a roof before! LOL I also rearranged our living room in preparation for the Christmas tree to be placed in our front window in the next two weeks or so. Had to do a good bit of cleaning, vacuuming and toy relocation to accomplish this. I still have the kitchen and bathrooms to actually clean before we get out the decorations.

Food was good today. I got munchie this afternoon, but stuck to good stuff. Had nuts and downed a liter of water. I did sneak two of the mini marshmallows the kids were having in their hot chocolate though. Also had a sf jello to try and get over the munchie "hump." Dinner was pork loin and salad and another liter of water. Had some hot tea while watching tv w/dh and now I'm headed to bed.

I'm hoping to get up and head to the gym early tomorrow. It's SOOO hard to get up on Mondays and this one will be even harder since I've been off of work since Thursday!

[Carol H]

UGH...doing well. I'll write more details later.

[mom2w]

ok, I'll go out on a limb here -- is this Carol H from KS? If so, it's Brenda! I tried to get in there a few months ago for a catch up but the servers have been down and I figured I'd just lost everyone for good. Anyway, if this is you, I'll check back later and we can catch up a bit!

[Carol H]

BRENDA!!!! How are you?? Yep (obviously,lol) it's me. We have a back up board now for all the ks people, email me or pm me here and I'll try to get you that information.

[Carol H]

So I haven't been as good about journaling lately. I'm going to try to get back into it because it was really helping me alot!!

I'm getting really frustrated lately. I hurt my back last Tuesday at Yoga and couldn't go to the gym Wed-Fri. During that time I was eating very much on plan and feeling good otherwise. I saw the scale inch down to 146! But I got back in the gym on Saturday and have been every day again since and, even though I am still eating well, the scale is back up to 150!!! Wouldn't you think that, after a month of exercise, my body would've adjusted and I'd be losing some weight here?!?!?! I know I am converting some fat to muscle, and I am happy about that. My clothes are fitting well and I know that should be enough to keep me going, but I really want to see a different number on the scale too!!! How can I be eating well and exercising almost every day and NOT be losing any weight? Grrrrr!

I am trying to add some "good" carbs back into my eating to aid in the fat loss from exercising, but I'm not sure if they are causing the weight gain or not. I haven't gone overboard on them. *sigh* I'm not giving up, no worries about that. I feel too good being physical, I love feeling my muscles work when exercising and throughout the day too much! I just want the weight loss too. LOL

[mom2w]

Sounds like you're chugging right along -- WTG!!! I can't figure out the pm thing. Any ideas?

I just happened to see your journal today and thought it soundded like the same person I 'knew'.

We'll figure this out
Brenda

[Carol H]

You know what, you haven't earned pm priveleges(sp?) yet. Can you email me?

chutton@bcps.org

[mom2w]

I just emailed you!

[Carol H]

Today was my oldest son's birthday. He turned 8 today. I blew it eating/exercising this weekend though. I have this misplaced sense of entitlement that makes me think...it's my son's birthday, why can't I have a measley piece of birthday cake.

I just have to know...remember...that I CAN'T have just one piece of cake...it leads to me eating everything. Today was terrible, I just couldn't stop.

Now I feel gross, bloated and sugared up and I knew this is how I would feel and I still ate everything. WTH is wrong with me!

*sigh* I am back on track tomorrow... no matter what it takes. I just can't have the sugar at all, no exceptions anymore!

[mom2w]

(((Carol))) About the best thing you can do is journal just how you feel after a binge -- next time you think you're about to go that way, remember how you felt and then psych as much as you can.

BTW: 8 years!!!! I read it and thought, there's no way and then I looked over and saw my own 8 yr old and remembered. Happy Birthday N!!!

Just keep at it. You'll find your way and your path will be the one that feels right for you. Sometimes you have to cut through a few bushes to get there first! :-)

[Carol H]

I have to keep reminding myself how I feel when I eat this way. You're right. It tastes so good, whatever food it is that stares me in face saying "eat me." It does taste good and I so enjoy eating. It's just so hard for me to reconcile these feelings w/the knowledge of what eating like that does to me.

It all comes down to those questions I asked myself earlier and never really answered well enough. Why do I want this? How hard am I willing to work to achieve my goals? Is it worth giving up the things I "want" to get to where I should be? *sigh* It should be, I want it to be, but then I see birthday cake and think, well, I gave birth to him, I deserve the reward of eating some of his birthday cake! LOL

Today I got back on track, eating-wise. Well sort of anyway. I ate LC but not the most healthy - no veggies. I had yocheese for breakfast, yogurt and almonds for lunch sf jello for a snack, crab legs for dinner and lc ice cream afterwards. Tomorrow I'll work on getting a more rounded eating plan going. Plus I haven't been to exercise since yoga on Tuesday so i need to get in the gym tomorrow.

I'm been so run down and stressed out, the alarm goes off and I just can't get out of bed. It's been so bad that I've actually been late to work all week!