GardenGirl639

[GardenGirl639]

Road my bike for 32 minutes yesterday. Go, me.

Didn't shower yet today. Feeling rebellious. I guess not showering right away is better than overeating.

[momov2boys]

Here's another

No one feels good about being angry.
And, everyone gets there, sometimes.

Let no doctor belittle you, ever!

My DH is a physician, a great one, of course.
Unfortunaletly, there are are way too many jackass doctors...

I'm here for you.
PM me, anytime.

[GardenGirl639]

Thanks, Rebecca.

[GardenGirl639]

"....That's when it hit me. My eating was as intrinsic as the color of my eyes, as possible to cure as epilepsy. I had a disease I couldn't cure and a thousand symptoms, including obesity, associated with it. I could wrestle with the symptoms but I would always have to take the medicine of the Rooms and my food plan. but it was not my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.

But it was my responsibility."

~Frances Kuffel, Passing For Thin, pg. 66

I found this passage interesting. What do you think about it?

[GardenGirl639]

"When life borders on depletion, food often takes center stage as the primary source of gratification, relief, soothing and reward. Dieting becomes impossible. When food has become that cental to our gratification, tampering with it can trigger scarcity panics, dig-in-your-heels stubbornness or outright revolts, all which express themselves by eating ravenously."

~The Solution for Safe, Healthy, and Permanent Weight Loss by Laurel Mellin, pg. 30

All I can say is Wow! I keep reading and re-reading this passage. I find it so true for myself. What's sad, is that I'm the one who has "depleted my life" in the past. I choose how I spend my days. I have a wonderful husband, marriage, children, home. No one has required some of the daily choices I have made....watching endless hours of boring TV....surfing the net.....etc.



I welcome comments.

[TaDa!]

Both of the quotes hit on one huge thing I have come to myself and that is, no matter why we are like we are, no matter the fault or lack of fault, we are adults now and it is up to us to right the wrong and to move beyond the problem to a solution. No one outside of us can do it for us. We have to take responsibility and move forward.

Unlike Kuffel, I think that there is often fault or blame that can be cast in how a person's psyche developed so that food became the solution, but that we have to name it for what it is or was, accept that it was unfair, come to peace with that and move on, otherwise we perpetuate the wrong and we become at fault for the ruin of a life.

Railing at the unfairness of the world is a very fattening hobby.

[GardenGirl639]

Originally Posted by TaDa!

Both of the quotes hit on one huge thing I have come to myself and that is, no matter why we are like we are, no matter the fault or lack of fault, we are adults now and it is up to us to right the wrong and to move beyond the problem to a solution. No one outside of us can do it for us. We have to take responsibility and move forward.

Unlike Kuffel, I think that there is often fault or blame that can be cast in how a person's psyche developed so that food became the solution, but that we have to name it for what it is or was, accept that it was unfair, come to peace with that and move on, otherwise we perpetuate the wrong and we become at fault for the ruin of a life.

Railing at the unfairness of the world is a very fattening hobby.

More words of wisdom!

I have to say that I have a hard time wrapping my head around the "intrinsic" part of me. It feels like something that just happened. So much of eating, I think, is a learned response. I absolutely believe that it is my responsibility to take care of.

For instance, were my children supposed to be "intrinsically" thin? Or is it because I did tons of research before they were born so that I wouldn't make food "mistakes" with them. Are my nieces and nephew very overweight because they got the "fat genetics" and my kids didn't? Or is it that they live on candy and coke?

I really want to figure this out. I thank God that I seemed to figure it out for my kids. Their hungry/full buttons seem to work just fine. Even the 17 yo can leave half plates of food and dessert (at a restaurant, no less)

[GardenGirl639]

Today, I am half way to goal!

I weighed 187 this morning!

It has taken me 13 days with TOM in the middle to lose that one pound. I've exercised many of those days, some intensely.

I'm wondering if I'm eating enough carbs. The last three days, my calories have been up over 2000. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be. Since I wasn't recording what I was eating when I was losing so well this summer I don't know. I think I was eating more carbs then. I'm not sure.

Should I up things my carbs or keep things the way they are? I can be patient, but 13 days seems like such are long time when I'm being so diligent.

I know that part of this is cabin fever. I'm bored, bored, bored. I lost momentum with the yoga. TOM came and I just didn't feel like bending and stretching.

***********************

Talked at length with my daughter's therapist yesterday about anger. Told her about the weight loss (not how much) and how I'm reading books that deal with those types of "issues." Of course, I couldn't verbalize the words "compulsive overeating" or "binge eating" but I knew she knew what I meant. I told her I didn't want to shove my anger down with food anymore, that I wanted to handle it in a healthy manner. She said that I am on a very healthy path and need to continue with it. She recommended two books to me. They are by Christian authors, so I know they won't be for everyone.

Love Hunger by Minirth and Meyer
The Anger Workbook by Carter and Minirth

I already own Love Hunger. Unfortunately, it is one of those books that as soon as I pick up and start to read, I want to binge. I alluded to this fact to the therapist and she said, "Yes, it can be a very intense book." So, I guess I will proceed slowly. Maybe if I just jump to chapters that I think will help, it might work better.

We also talked at length about how I felt belittled by the doctor on Monday and the argument I had with my husband.

I love this therapist because she feels that whatever is affecting me will trickle down and affect my children and is therefore important to talk about.

You know, if I can't handle feelings, how are my children supposed to learn that?

[monet0329]

Half way to goal..... good for you sweetie.. this is great ..

I am glad you have someone to talk to about things.. .. it should help.. little by little.. you will get this figured out.. at least you know what your dealing with here.. so I have no doubt it will all turn out great ..

[GardenGirl639]

I have a horrible headache, so if this is ramble-y.....

I wanted to say why I thought I should maybe up my carbs.

1) I've heard that if you are hypo thyroid, you should keep your carbs above 30....I haven't been doing that.

2) My calories have been creeping up and up. I think it's because I'm hungry all the time. When I look for something to eat, I look for non-carb, high fat items. While I'm sure the fat satiates me for a time, I'm still hungry.

3) I'm drinking 2 cups of coffee, about six + cups of herb tea, and some water everyday. Part of the reason I'm drinking so much tea is that I'm hungry, but instead of eating, I drink tea...sometimes with heavy cream...thus upping my fat calories.

[GardenGirl639]

Originally Posted by monet0329

Half way to goal..... good for you sweetie.. this is great ..

I am glad you have someone to talk to about things.. .. it should help.. little by little.. you will get this figured out.. at least you know what your dealing with here.. so I have no doubt it will all turn out great ..

Thanks, Monet!

I think we were posting at the same time. I'm glad to see you back today.

[TaDa!]

hey Girl!!! I gues I never asked .. are you on Atkins? If so, I highly highly highly recommend doing the carb ladder from OWL ... I found I lose the SAME amount of weight on 70 net carbs as I do on 20 net carbs ... what a bummer that I spent over a year restricting myself to 20 when i could have had a lot more good carbs - veggies, etc. I urge you to check out the carb ladder. You start by doing more vegetables in 5 net carb increments .. and then other food you want to try ...

I also drink a lot of tea in addition to my coffee, as it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling I used to need from food .... but my food does satisfy me ...

If I can give you any more information, let me know. I went up the carb ladder pretty methodically myself.



Pauline

[GardenGirl639]

Yep, Atkins!

I added in pumpkin. I had been eating blueberries, but gave them up about two/three weeks ago, so I added them back in because I missed them and I knew I could tolerate them.

I'm trying to keep my net carbs above 40 this week. So far, so good. I feel so much more satisfied and I'm not prowling around the kitchen looking for more food to eat.

**********************

My stomach has been upset the last couple of days. Headaches, also. Since my 7 year old son has the same symptoms, I'm guessing it's a stomach "bug."


****************

I had the most fun yesterday (except for the upset stomach)

I'm reading this book House: A Memoir by Michael Ruhlman. He and his family buy a house built in 1901 in Cleveland Heights and renovate it. I'm finding it facinating. I also live in an old house in the historical part of my town. Yesterday, my dh and I had a date and travelled up to Cleveland Heights because there was a guitar store he wanted to visit. While we were there, we struck up a conversation with another customer who knew the book and even knew where the house was!!!!! So after the guitar store, my husband and I drove through all these great old neighborhoods in Cleveland Heights. Fabulous houses! Driving past houses is one of my favorite things to do!! We found the house. So cool. It was so neat to picture the neighborhood as I was reading another chapter last night.

We also went to a book store. I found the Anger Workbook and purchased it. I started it, but I'm not liking what it's saying. Icky, sticky emotions.

I also found a book called Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. It's a biography of a woman who has "recovered" from an Eating Disorder. My husband, whose name is Ed, asked if I was trying to tell him something. LOL I'm trying to let him (my dh) in little by little. He's really big into denial, so I can't just blurt out everything I want to tell him.

[monet0329]

Hello Elizabeth..

That's so cool about the book and the house.. ..

I just wanted to check in on you.. I hope you and your lil one feels better soon.. I am finally starting to feel better..lol.. still get stuffy but not as bad.. ..I don't' feel all blahhh

you have a good night and happy reading..

[TaDa!]

Hey!! Glad you're letting yourself have some good carbs! Pumpkin and blueberries sound divine to me!!!!

I am ina similiar situation with my dh - he waas brought up that people don't go get help - they are either weak or strong and that's it. I think it's part of the Male ethos anyhow. I was like that before I started figuring myself out -- now I realize that it's not about strength, it's about understanding yourself and working around the problems.



Pauline

[monet0329]

Good Morning Elizabeth.... have a great day hun..

[GardenGirl639]

I'm bored! I was bored yesterday, too! February needs to be over! LOL

I started looking around yesterday, trying to figure out why I was bored. I think I get bored when I feel that there are things I "need" to do...not things I want to do.

Yesterday, I declared this week "The Week of the House." There are a lot of little jobs that just need to be done and I think we'll all feel happier. I have lots of paper work that needs to be gone through and pitched or filed, home school work to grade/pitch/file, kids clothes to go through and pitch or give away. You get the idea. I think it will help me not be so bored.

I'm getting bored with "dieting" and this is a dangerous place to be. I need to get away from the kitchen and put my mind on other things....like cleaning. LOL

Yesterday I made a lemon custard from the Dana Carpender 500 Low-Carb Recipes book. I made it with Stevia. I can say that I really think I have a sensitivity if not a down right allergy to Stevia. My throat felt like I had swallowed cut glass all day. Need to throw away the rest.

Word of the day: bored LOL LOL LOL


Positive Affirmation: I live a very exciting life!

[GardenGirl639]

Small appreciations for today:

1) I woke up feeling "thin."
2) I could wrap the bath towel around my body after my shower.
3) I've already ridden my bike today-30 minutes. Maybe I'll get on it again tonight!

I've upped my coffee again and stopped all the tea. I have much more energy. I think I need the caffeine. Not feeling jittery. I'm eating less again. The coffee is soooooo much more satisfying to me.

Something that TaDa! said in her journal really spoke to me:

Originally Posted by TaDa!

February 18, 2008

Everything seems just to be rolling along with my wol and despite those awful hungry days, I feel in control and I feel like a big part of it is that I have no set time or times to look at the scale. I look at it here and there when I feel like it, but the pressure to perform just isn't there for me. I know the weight will be gone by summertime no matter what, no matter how slow I move along, as long as I keep on this path.

Originally Posted by GardenGirl639

Do you think that this is true for everyone i.e. those still needing to lose weight? I wonder if I worry too much. If I just keep eating this way, journalling, not tweaking, will it just all eventually fall off, or do I need to stay hyper vigilant?

Originally Posted by TaDa!

I think it is true. I think it will come off without stressing on it daily, I really do. I think yes, the food journal and being prepared are still key, but I think if the whole worry about quantity of pounds lost and the dates those pounds come off are put on hold - we will still succeed and be the stronger in the end for having normalized our lives.

Doing this does not mean you never weigh yourself - you do, but you wait til things are not moving at all before you start to tweak and bother about every little thing. We have been at this for a while, we know how to lose the weight - all the emphasis on the boards on stalls, and slow weight loss - well, I am convinced the great majority of those people are not doing what they know works and are trying to somehow "cheat the system" or validate their own "cheats" somehow.

I really think letting go of the diet attitude is the way to good mental health for a binge eater ... and probably for everyone else too, lol!

I realize that the last couple of weeks, I've felt off kilter. I keep trying to change things and question things. I just need to stay on the right path, what I know works for my body, and keep going.

This is something that I've done over and over and I have to "blame" the Main Lobby a little for it......Well, not it specifically, but my reading threads that I know are not good for me...."I'm stalled. What do I need to do?"...."How much protein is too much?"......"Is there really a starvation mode?"....."How many calories should I be eating?"......."Should I do the fat fast?"

What's fortunate is that I haven't been bingeing.

[TaDa!]

You know Elizabeth ... "Not Bingeing" - those two words say it all for me! There have been times that those two words have been all I wanted from myself - to stop a streak of binge-eating. And it took long hard work just to stop, turn around, and get back to that good mental place again.

Funny thing, we manage to do it - overcome a binge cycle - and then tell ourselves well, that is not good enough, you have to get this fat off your body faster. How unfair are we being to ourselves, considering that the major major accomplishment of holding the binge at bay is just pushed to the side!!!!

Actually, I suppose if I could boil down my goals to 1) Avoiding the Binge and 2) Normalizing my relationship with food (i.e. no more obsessing and overeating), I will have spelled out the recipe for both continued Weightloss and Maintenance that is the most healthy for my mind. I think we have learned how to eat correctly ... now we need to learn to trust ourselves.

(well, with safeguards like a food diary and a journal, of course - our regular everyday, rest-of-our life tools for success).

just a few thoughts

P

p.s. I could rant and rave about posts on the Main Board that just feed into disordered eating. It is so sad to see so many people sucked into the quick-fix machine only to be spit out again.

[monet0329]

I can honestly count one one hand how many times I have been to the main lobby.. it just confuses me..lol.. I don't know what or who to believe..lol.. when all in all its just about ME.. what works for ME.. so yes Elizabeth.. you got it girly.. .. do what works for Y O U ..

Also... I am not a social butterfly so to speak..lol.. on here or real life.. I like my close friends.. not that I don't like others.. I just get comfy with fewer people.. am I making any since here..?.. I am happy with a few best friends .. I don't need to have many people around me.. for example.. when I used to go out to Karaoke.. I would be happy to sit at our table.. drink my d coke.. talk to those at my table.. my friend Missi.. she liked / likes to go around to talk to everyone that she can.. and there is nothing wrong with that.. but I just feel more comfy with less peeps..lol..ok call me weird..

so I stick to this part of LCF..

anywhooo.. keep on keepin on E.. your doing great!!

[momov2boys]

Originally Posted by GardenGirl639

I haven't been bingeing.

This speaks volumes, Elizabeth!
KUTGW!!!

Originally Posted by TaDa!

Actually, I suppose if I could boil down my goals to 1) Avoiding the Binge and 2) Normalizing my relationship with food (i.e. no more obsessing and overeating), I will have spelled out the recipe for both continued Weightloss and Maintenance that is the most healthy for my mind. I think we have learned how to eat correctly ... now we need to learn to trust ourselves.

I completely agree with Pauline's thoughts here.
And, I am at this same place.

Originally Posted by monet0329

...keep on keepin on E.. your doing great!!

Ditto!

[GardenGirl639]

Thanks, everybody.

I need to be happy with not bingeing.

I also need to be happy that I'm not gaining!

*******************

Yesterday, 2/22, was a hard day for me. It would have been my Dad's 59th birthday. He'll be gone six years in June. Still can't believe it.

[monet0329]

Originally Posted by GardenGirl639

Thanks, everybody.

I need to be happy with not bingeing.

I also need to be happy that I'm not gaining!

*******************

Yesterday, 2/22, was a hard day for me. It would have been my Dad's 59th birthday. He'll be gone six years in June. Still can't believe it.

[GardenGirl639]

I'm "back."

Thank you all for the PMs, well wishes, thoughts, and hugs.

I have been struggling since before Christmas and I think I have it figured out. I never wrote about it on here, probably because I didn't want any "advice." I think my struggle has to do with two foods I've added.

Sometime before Christmas, I gave up all artificial sweeteners because every one that I tried gave me horrible, instant headaches~sometimes even migraines. I stopped drinking diet Coke, eating coconut bark, LC baked goodies, etc.

Right around Christmas I kept reading about the Lindt 85 % chocolate bar and decided that a "little" real sugar would be better than any artificial sweetener, if I could handle it. It was the Christmas season, after all, and I was feeling slightly deprived. At the time, I didn't think it affected my weight loss, because I was having some thyroid issues as well. Looking back I can see that it is when my weight loss crawled to a snail's pace. Two weeks ago, they were out of the Lindt chocolate at Wal-mart and I bought a different brand. Only slightly more sugar and carbs. Easily justifiable.

The other thing I've added in was Diabeti Sweet. I started out eating 1/2 to 1 teaspoon a day in my one minute muffin. Last week, I decided to start making myself a custard to eat for breakfast. The only ingredients were eggs, cream, and the Diabeti Sweet. I would eat half one day and half the next. I did this for about six days in a row. It amounted to 2 tablespoons per day of Diabeti Sweet. I wasn't having headaches, so I thought I was okay.

I have been achy, crabby, and down since I increased the usage of Diabeti Sweet.

I decided on Sunday afternoon to go "cold turkey" with both the chocolate and the Diabeti Sweet.

I have to tell you that last night around 8 o'clock, my "furnace" kicked back "on." I felt it. I had this amazing surge of energy and good feelings.....something that I had not experienced in months. I was able to stay up late last night and this morning I awoke feeling fantastic.

I am finding that I am extremely sensitive to foods. It depresses me because I wonder how I will be able to add anything back in when I'm at goal, but I guess I just need to not worry about that now.

I'm trying to be forgiving of myself for being so stubborn:blush: Maybe I could have saved myself some pain if I had journalled here that I was eating the chocolate. I did count it everyday in ******.

*********


Also, on Friday, I consciously decided to have some home made popcorn with my daughter. I put it in ****** and counted the carbs. I didn't binge or overeat. I gained about 7 lbs.!!! I know that it was "phantom" weight, but it was discouraging. In the last two days I have lost those 7 lbs. and am 187 again. I truly believe that it is from giving up the chocolate and Diabeti Sweet.

*********

Monday was my 8 month on plan anniversary. I still consider myself on plan because I was consciously added these foods in and I was counting them.

*******

Thanks for bearing with me, everyone! I really am determined to figure all of this out. I have come too far to give up!

[TaDa!]

Wow!! Wow!! Wow!!!

I am so happy for you Elizabeth!!!! That is actually really great news. You know, you will little by little figure it all out and get yourself something that will work for you.

Have you gone up the carb ladder at all? Once you are feeling really strong and back to the old you 100%, you may want to consider it because getting to some fruit might help you with getting some natural sweetness/sugar without getting too much - the concentrated kind. I know a lot of the lowfat programs do baked goods with things like applesauce as sweetening and of course on the lower rungs of the carb ladder we have berries - and there are no-sugar added berry jams out there, etc.

Don't start worrying about what will happen later on -- you will figure it all out and it will be ok!! Gosh, I am so happy you figured this out!!!!!!



Pauline

[GardenGirl639]

I guess you could say that I'm going up the carb ladder in my own way. Isn't chocolate the first thing you add in after induction?

I do eat raspberries and blueberries. They are a lovely addition and do not cause binge reactions in me. I don't tolerate strawberries. I can't stop eating whenever I have them.

Sweet potatoes are good. Pumpkin is good.

Cream cheese, ricotta cheese cause me binge issues.

I can eat Flat outs.

I really am enjoying the food that I'm eating and not really feeling like I'm deprived for the most part. (Well, I wanted chocolate at Christmas but I think that was more social than anything else.)

[monet0329]

.. I am glad your figuring this stuff out .. beth also eats those chocolates.. maybe thats why she is stalling?.. Maybe she wil read this and TRY it herself??

anywho.. WTG!!

[momov2boys]

Originally Posted by GardenGirl639

I really am determined to figure all of this out. I have come too far to give up!

Originally Posted by GardenGirl639

I really am enjoying the food that I'm eating and not really feeling like I'm deprived for the most part.

KUTGW, Elizabeth!!!

[GardenGirl639]

Thank you, all! You are all so kind to me!

I need to talk some more. I don't post for 2 or 3 days and then you can't shut me up.

I have so much energy right now! I am so happy! My husband is going to be in such shock when he gets home because I got so much done today!

Even though I was struggling emotionally, I kept exercising!!!! Huge, huge step for me! I'm telling you, that five minute goal is golden!!

I want to say something about the chocolate. One serving is four squares. I was eating 1/2 of one square which would be 1/8 of a serving. 26 calories. Less than 1 gram of carb. The most I ever ate in a day was two squares. I am surprised at how little effected me. I am happy to say that it did not cause any binge feelings which is probably why it took me so long to figure out that I was sensitive to it. What's ironic is that my father was also sensitive to chocolate and could not eat it at all. Hmmmmm, he was also allergic to penicillin, just like I am.

I am eating my one minute muffin tonight. No artificial sweetener or Diabeti sweet. I went back to using blueberries as my "sweeter."

[TaDa!]

That really rocks on the exercise Elizabeth!!!! I found too that once I was able to establish the habit, it has become totally independent of anything else, food, emotions, binges - it's great!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!

That's two really big accomplishments this week - figuring out the sweetener /chocolate thing and moving on from there, and holding steady with the exercise!!!!