Jina's Journal

[Stelakate]

11/14/06
Yesterday wrapped up a weight loss challenge through a drup rep at work, the Biggest Loser. I started at 264 pounds early september. At the close of that challenge I weigh 250. I did win one week which is a dollar from every person so $26 bucks pretty much paid me back my entry fee. I could have really made some cash if I had stuck to something but as usual, I didn't. I started Atkins (again) and this site 10/16. I feel so much better when I do Atkins. There is something about the scale actually moving more than a few ounces a week that keeps me coming back.
It's so different this time, and I have posted that recently. Mainly due to this group but also due to the fact I cant be fat anymore.
I am going to commit and follow through, because these people on here are just like me, heck, they could be me.
Heres to kicking off a good week. I want to be 240 by Turkey Day. Got some work to do now....

[Stelakate]

OK,
sitting here painting my nails...get distracted and go back to painting them and forget the lid is off the polish....(GASP!) you can figure the rest. Need-less-to-say it goes all over my jeans!! HELLO- I have like, 2 pair of jeans....I am in the "in-between" stage where these are baggy but my collection (and it's quite a collection) of smaller jeans don't fit enough to wear them without looking......hoochie.
DAMN!
I guess there is a real lightbulb moment to be had here, kick it up and get rid of these size 20 jeans forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, as much as I want mexican food tonight, just think chips and homemade salsa.....warm soft tortillas.........OK ENOUGH! Meat and eggs for dinner. Period. Report tomorrow!
(sigh)
Cant believe I would ever be ok with anyone knowing my size and my weight.

[Stelakate]

Jina,
I don't know if you remember me or not but I am your "must have" santa gift from 2, yes 2 Christmas' ago. Remember...back when you were soooo into me and we were hanging out like everyday? Well, I don't need to remind you the only action I have been getting lately is a move from one spot to another.
I don't have to tell you how good you felt everytime you completed a course or worked up a crazy sweat! I am still your undying, beautiful machine and I really need some attention...
just putting this out there. I miss you.

Love,
your NordickTrack

[Stelakate]

I am so friggin' hungry I can hardly stand it. My TOM and I am going to use all the fibers in my being to resisit the slip from the wagon....I am crabby and did I mention H.U.N.G.R.Y???

[Stelakate]

I just ate lunch. Did bad. feel so sick right now....I don't know why I did it. I will move on from here and not let it keep me down, just drink a bunch of water and do LC for dinner.
I can do it. I wont give up. I am crawling back into the wagon!

[Stelakate]

Ok it is my TOM and I am trying to keep that in mind and using it as the reason I am acting so sensitive this week. I love my forum and have made some great friends that keep me going and are funny as hell....however I think the day to day is helping the impt. things we experience get lost in the shuffle so I am taking a few days off. We'll see if I am even missed.
Yesterday was a horrible day, I ate bad at lunch and then had this totally great moment of "get off your ass and get going" so I went for a walk, something I would have never ever done before. That is huge. Also last weekend after runing my 1 of 2 pair of pants I tried on some I thought would never fit. THEY FIT! I don't think anyone in the forum even gave it much thought....for me, it carried me all weekend and I feel fabulous about it.
I will ad the disclaimer again that I am being a pretty big baby this week with the PMS.
I am doing better with the lifestyle change this time then I ever have. Maybe because I am finally saying lifestyle change and not diet. I wont give up even if I do give in from time to time.
I am happy to report after the bad eating yesterday today the scale said 249...hard to believe that is something to be happy about but after being close to 300 this summer (pregnant) I feel so much lighter.

[Stelakate]

so I am feeling so horrible today and still no period. Breakfast was cottage cheese, 1 coffee. Lunch was bacon and eggs 1 coffee and dinner was a big ham and cheese, chili fries and 1/2 a mint choco. shake. Now I sit here feeling quite nauseous and do I need to wonder why? So far today no one from my account. buddies has noticed I am gone. I am getting a little bitter but still chalking it up to the period sensitivity and letting it go.

My battle with weight will always be a day to day thing. Every bite I have to be consious about. What kind of life is that? I am so obsessed with it and all that goes along with it.
Yesterday when I made a command decision to walk after a bad lunch...it was freezing out, I was stuffed and didn't want to but I did.....I saw a leaf on the ground and picked it up. It was so beautiful and stood out from all the rest. Hearty green around the edges and a vivid red center. I kind of felt like it could be me.....still struggling among all the others, just trying to make it...trying to stay beautiful and not get swept away with all the rest....I am not trying to be cheesy but I mean it....it was a weird moment and I kept the leaf. Even after all the seasons of change it still prevails and never gives up. Well that's enough of that. Just thought I'd mention it striking me kinda funny.
Well tomorrow I have a wedding. We'll see how I look and feel. Have a hunch it wont be good.
I wont give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Stelakate]

Well the weekend was good. I did well until Saturday night, and then had a lot of drinks and a big dinner, on the way home we ended up stopping at the gas station and 2 doughnuts and nachos with cheese/chili later---I was feeling so crappy yesterday. SO, why stop there---I had cereal, tacos, pizza, puppy chow.....it was a bad eating day all around.
So, this morning I am back on. I will try to maintain well this week and then Thanksgiving is coming....that is dangerous, a party we are throwing on Friday night and Sat. night is a Thanksgiving dinner with friends....the weekend is once again filled and I will once again try to behave!
-Keeping my fingers crossed!

[Stelakate]

I just cant get it together. I have a feeling much more going on like this and I will end up abandoning ship and leaving the forum. The holidays are brutal and I dont know if I am strong enough to resist and lets face it....who wants to resist during the holidays?!?
My desire for being thin and sexy is so strong, but obviously not strong enough to make the changes I KNOW I NEED TO MAKE!
I am trying hard today. Still no period. See, it's a week I have been waiting for it and using PMS as the excuse of why I want to eat so much. That has to stop I cant spend 1-2 wks of every mo. using that as a free pass to pig out. Today I will try so hard to stick to plan.

I signed up for a pen pal. So far 20 people have read my post and noone wants to be my buddy...hows that for an ego boost! The girls from account. buddies dont care I am gone, and that's ok....it wasn't working for me anymore anyway.
Well---tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will eat have so many carb full temptations.........then Friday night is a game night at our house, this time its a mexican theme...that is dangerous. Sat is Tgiving with my family......all I see around me are temptations. It's scary.
I am just not in a place to remain strong right now.

[Stelakate]

Hard to believe I consider 11:40 am reason to celebrate progress but I am starving from eating all those carbs the last few days and SO FAR, I am winning-keeping them out. I know if I make it low carb today, tomorrow will be easier to stay on plan until dinner, and hopefully I can not do too bad and start fresh in the a.m. on Friday. See, I have no gray area. I have always been a white or black person----never a balance, never an in between. It's true with my eating, I am 100% on or 100% off. I am starting to realize that it's ok to be a little of both, so I am never really giving up and when I do better, it's not as hard to get back to plan. Today I weighed 251. I swore I wasnt going past the 250 mark on the scale again.
I blame the period, but its me. Once people start noticing I look good and I start getting compliments I give up. ALWAYS! Guess that means I am starving for attention or something which is absurd because I get plenty from Katie and everyone else.
I finally got a reply to my pen pal post. I am excited, she wants to lose 50 pounds too and I pray this time, it helps keep me motivated.
From this day onward it's going to be a meal to meal, struggle to stay the course. I will try soooo hard.
I know I am strong, I can do it. I often wonder why I give myself the role of helping everyone else but myself. I am the best motivator to others, encouraging to everyone, but ME. It's time that stopped. I am worthy and I will prevail!
One meal at a time, one hour at a time, whatever it takes to win this weight battle. I WILL DO IT!!!!!!!!

[indogia]

you can do this(((hugs))),

''that which we persist in doing becomes easier,not that the task itself has become easier,but that our ability to perform has improved''

[Stelakate]

I am back. Ready to get this party started. I've got 50 pounds to lose and I am NOT letting myself get this out of hand again. I was off plan for a week and gained back 8 pounds. That plus water weight from the period I FINALLY got.....so I hope to see many of those pounds leave this week.

I know how good I feel when I do well, so I don't know why I always slip up. I have a good buddy now to help out---I know together we can do it.
Eating eggs for breakfast, turkey and string cheese for lunch and chicken for dinner. Tons of water. 1 coffee and 1 hot tea.

[Stelakate]

I am so happy to report after gaining back 8 pounds over the last week or so I have lost 6 of them. I owe a lot to my new pen pal Ashley who is very supportive but I owe a lot to myself as well. I know this time is different because I have ever reason to reach goal. It helps to have the girls at work on board with me. It helps that Kate is willing to run and get me supper or make me a snack, whatever I need whenever I need it.
I can really see it this time.
I was thinking today about goals and my addiction to the scale and how bad it is that I allow it to dictate my day. I need to stay with weighing in once a week on Wednesdays with Ashley.
I hope to reach 239 by New Years and start fresh getting into the one's by April. The NC trip is getting near, and very exciting. Everyone who has been to the outer banks say it's the prettiest water front and beaches in the country! I hope I can buy some much smaller size clothes then and look good!
I guess size and number dont matter as much as me looking decent and being able to tuck in shirts, wear a belt, let my arms show.
I feel like such a supermodel on the inside, it's time my outside matches that!
Sigh, will check in later this week.

[Stelakate]

Things are ok, could be better. I decided I would allow a day of cheats, a breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack/dessert of my choice on whatever day I feel like. This helps me in a way. I am still holding steady to my loss and at 252 that isn't too bad considering temptations are everywhere. Things are starting to come into the office and sometimes it's all I can do to resist.
I have a good buddy now Ashley, that is very supportive. I shouldn't say now, but she is in it with me for the long haul and when she pushes me a bit-I do it. It helps so much to be held accountable.
I know I can make this happen......we have a new friend in our goal of losing 50 pounds by April. I have never wanted it more but still feel the same inside. Somedays I am 100% and can fight through everything and others, like today, I am just SCREW IT!! I loveeeee food. Everything about it.
I will get back on the horse tomorrow. I will exercise. I will drink a lot of water and stick closer to induction. I can do it!!!

[godsbeloved79]

Cute avatar. Best wishes to you .

[Stelakate]

Kate bought me an MP3 player for Christmas and I got to open it early! I am so excited. It's awesome. My songs are already downloaded and it's sitting here waiting for me to put it on and got workout on the precor!
I did well at Mom's which is always a challenge and it's always very carby so I am proud to say I didn't eat anything bad, had tons of water and did a great 20 minutes pilates routine with Breanne! HORRAY!!!
I am awesome.
SO! Now all the anxiety of the precor is coming down on me....I made a promise to Ash and Teresa that I would get on it for 10 minutes....
I CAN DO IT! Once I do, I will continue......so I guess I will go.......I reallllllly don't want to!!!!
Watching The polar Express and eating fresh from the oven chex mix sounds (AND SMELLS!!!) so much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ass will thank me!

[Stelakate]

SO the office is beginning to fill with the treats of Christmas. Chocolates and candies from gourmet shops....it will soon be a daily thing. Putting them away and out of sight is the best bet for us. Making smart decisions with the drug rep lunches is soooo hard. One hour at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. No fun but the results will be, and if I stay on track I will start seeing results SOON!

[Stelakate]

I am really feeling some hope this time. I know I have been down this road before. It starts off great, full of hope and I am gung-ho and then it fizzles out for whatever reason. That was before I knew I could be stronger and healthier w/o "dieting". I must say, doing low-carb keeps me so content and it's so much more than meat/eggs/cheese. The recipes are plenty and they include so much of my favorite foods. Sure, resisting the candies from work and at home are never easy. Making tamales here w/ Kate's fam. wont be easy this weekend either, but everyday I do well I feel a little bit better, and I can even trick my mind into believing I am thinner. I have so far to go-but if I can keep this motivation-I wont fail.
Today was Rebecca and I's first 1 hr workout session at my house. Precor/stairs/jogging in place/pilates dvd/exercise ball....we did it all. One hour, and when we were done we felt great! I may even get on the precor later tonight before biggest loser-why not?
If I actually keep to plan and LOSE weight in DECEMBER of all months its the worst, I will be so proud of myself.

As for now, I am proud enough. I really can do this. I am FINALLY getting somewhere!

[kmf1028]

You are doing great!!!! You will do it!!!!!! I live in NC and the outerbanks are awesome, you will love it!!!!!

You sound a lot like me!!!!! I have a new journal going now, but I did have an old one out there and I have been at this forever now and it seems I always fall off, but now I am on it for good and am really determined this time and it sounds like you are also.

Keep up the good work and attitude and if you ever need anything, just let me know.

Kat

[Stelakate]

I am so back and forth, I swear I must be bi-polar sometimes. I am so 100% on and then something happens and bam....off the plan I go so fast it isn't funny.
Then restarting sucks----and here I am again.
Today is a new day. Yah, how many times can I keep saying that?!?!
Everyday I guess until I get where I want to be...and just where is that exactly? Is it really at 199 or will that then become impossible to maintain, or once there-will I find other things to pick apart!? I am tired of putting a limitation on what I can do.

I jogged longer and further today then I ever have. Down a city block and up and entire city block HILL, and then a little more. I know I can do this-I will be a jogger/runner.

Maybe the 199 isn't as impt. anymore...maybe it's how I feel and I should never EVER put a limit on that.
Food for thought!

[kmf1028]

Jina - well don't beat yourself up about that, I am (was just like that) and I thought I would never get it - but I think I have got it this time. I can't tell you how many times I have fallen and man fallen hard and no it is not easy, but it can be done and you can do it!!!!! I know you can do it....I know this time of year is not going to be easy, but maybe if we buddy up or something we can stick to this together.

Oh yeah, my aunt lives in Iowa, in Oxford Junction, is that anywhere near you?

Well I hope you have a great day and you will be fine.

[Stelakate]

well, today IS another day and after a pretty good Tuesday I will say I am proud of myself again today. Running .30 mile yesterday and running fror 3 minutes straight today is a real accomplishment for me. I am so proud!

Everyday a little further, everyday a little faster, everyday a little closer to the me I feel inside.

What a wonderful feeling.

[cardenas5usa]

Jina- Your journal is great! Keep it up! You'll be glad you have it written down. You are the best bud! I keep forgetting to ask you if you have run anymore? Yesterday we took the kids to the track to try out their new bikes, I ran almost an entire lap around the track keeping up with Maya so she wouldn't crash and burn. It was awsome! She learned to ride a 20'' bike no crashing, and I learned that I can run. I remember in middle school they used to always make us run for PE, and I would never/could never run more than 1/2 a lap. You got any tracks near you? Wanna do a lap challange? Nothing too hard! Just one lap running. If we can do one, we can start training for our runs in the spring. Check in later, your bud Ashley :-) Mwah!

[kmf1028]

Jina - hope you had a great holiday and hope you are doing fine!!!!!!!

[Stelakate]

This has been an emotional year for me so I am already getting weepy thinking back. So many changes, probably the most changes in one year I have ever experienced. Kate had her gastric bypass in March, I was pregnant 7 of the months of the year, not feeling great-everyday and worrying if this little baby would "take" this time...all the worries, the progesterone, the pukes, the weight gain (300 on delivery day!), the intense swelling, working full time through my ENTIRE pregnancy....Kate and all her changes w/ the huge life change after surgery...her dramatic weight loss (125+ pounds in 9 months!!!) finally our first baby girl, who is just so perfect.....I turned 30....kinda weird/depressing/huge for me. I lost people I loved...gained new friends, lost some fair-weather friends....finally moved into a HOUSE that we have spent time making perfect just for us!!!
My sister got pregnant again, and Married. My Dad is still away...that was tough this year. But home soon, so we just wait...even though him not seeing Stela and missing 2 of his daughters weddings...it's a hard thing. He is healthy now, and free of alcohol, so we count our blessings!
I have gone from fat to fatter and 50 pounds thinner Since Stela was born in July.....then I came here and made a great friend, (Ashley) who I know will help me find the thinner me while I keep working on the happier me, on the inside.
I am thankful for so many things-this site is one of them. So many great people, people just like me---some where I am-some trying like hell to get where they want to be-some exactly where they want to be.
All in all, a very overwhelming year....it's been a lot of good and a lot of transition. Motherhood is a dream.....I am living happily and more healthfully everyday.
It's bitter sweet saying goodbye to 2006...so many changes came this year.....
Cant wait to see what 2007 holds. I hope it is as good to me as this year was.