Jdouglass- Time for change!!!

jdouglass · 11-13-2006, 11:59 AM

Where and how do I begin? I guess I should write down everything since my struggle with my body and with food began. Unfortunately that was over 10 years ago!

But, my optimistic side is saying at least I'm here now and recognizing what I need to do to change and move in the right direction. I have a feeling this is going to be a very long journey but HERE WE GO!!!

I have always been a small gal. When I was a sophmore in highschool I probably weighed 110-115 or so? I didn't actually pay attention to weight until I met a dear friend who was fighting bulemia. I took her under my wing and was convinced I could help her get past this disease and get to a point where she loved and accepted herself. At that point, I'm not actually even sure whether I even loved who I was and my body because I suddenly internalized her body image distortion. Before I knew it, I was depriving myself of food after I would eat with her. I watched her fall apart mentally when we would have cake or ice cream and I think I began to feel just the way she did.

It was at this point that I became fully aware of my imperfections. I wanted to be thinner and prettier and better. Everything became about being better at whatever it was. A better daughter, a better friend, a better girl, a better dancer. I was never ok just the way I was- I was always focused on being better. This furthered and worsened in highschool, leading me to different points of very low weight and extreme dieting. Looking back, I should have received counseling because if there was anyone who could be borderline anorexic, it was me. Just before I went off to college I began bingeing. My deprivation cycles got out of control and my body/mind started to rebel...asking for all the food I had held back for years now. I started to binge just like a bulemic would only I wasn't purging. It became a constant part of my day- should I binge today on whatever I wanted and then literally STOP eating tomorrow, maybe consumming 300 calories? That became my frame of reference- how should I eat today? Am I dieting today or should I go crazy and then start dieting tomorrow?

This way of thinking has continued on and on until I discovered Atkins my final year in college. I transformed in to someone who was healty, slim and happy. Unfortunately I went off plan every few weeks or so. These days started small and turned in to full on binge days again just like before. That scary self talk was back and I started to gain weight when I graduated from college. My bingeing worsened. Fast forward 4 years and here we are today.

I am 60 pounds heavier than I was in college. I lost about 40 pounds about 2 years ago through low calorie (about 6 weeks of maybe 400-500 calories a day). It was not the way to go but I had met someone and I wanted to lose weight immediately and quickly. Do I regret that? You BET!!! But I maintained that loss for almost a year and a half.

Then last fall I hurt my back. I went from training for a marathon to not being able to run AT ALL! I was in so much pain and I was angry. The bingeing started again. Now I have put on all of my weight back and probably an extra 5 pounds. I am my biggest (probably a tight 14) and I am so sad and angry and upset with who I have become.

Sometimes I don't know how to begin. I am still struggling with my bingeing cycle and now I am concerned about potential health issues down the road. How much have I hurt my body with so much crash dieting and calorie deprivation? I am 27 years old and all I want is to be a healthy young woman. I have an amazing BF who loves every inch of me. What if we were to marry and eventually have children? I don't want weight and bingeing to be a problem in my life.

Things have to change...I know they do. But I am frightened. I have to start taking the right steps. This journal is one of those steps. I have to reach out to the amazing individuals on this site because I have tried to do this on my own and secretly for too long. I know I need support and that's ok.

Well, I think that's enough for right now. Journal, we are going to become close close friends so get used to me! Hopefully we'll have a lot of laughs and smiles along the way!

Thanks for listening!

heidi21062 · 11-13-2006, 02:37 PM

Welcome to the Journal's Board! I just wanted to stop in and say 'hi'!

I think that starting my journal has really helped me stay on track and accountable...I hope your's will do the same for you!

Good luck in your journey!!! Remember, we're all here to help and support!

lowcarbette · 11-13-2006, 03:08 PM

I could have written much of what you did in terms of how the weight makes you feel, how discouraging it is to take inventory and feel completely overwhelmed at the insurmountable task ahead. All I can say is, START. Step by step and don't dwell on could-haves, dwell on NOW and what you can do NOW to make your life the way you want it to be.

jdouglass · 11-13-2006, 07:59 PM

Hi Heidi and Lowcarbette!

Thank you so much for stopping by. It felt so good to put my thoughts some place where I can keep coming back to. I hope to learn from my story and from my past.

I went shopping today...bought lots of eggs, meats and a few veggies. I think I'm going to follow your advice lowcarbette and stick with higher fat and very low carb to help me get in to ketosis. Then I can really begin a solid plan on the right road.

I think I'm going to send a copy of my first post to my BF. Seeing my words written out might really help him see where all of this is coming from. I try to be honest with him but sometimes I feel so ashamed that I hide more from him than I should. It seems silly but I can't help what I feel. I'm trying to accept me for me at this exact moment. I think that is a completely necessary step before I can really begin this process.

Well, I'm off for the night. Time to get some rest- it's my long day tomorrow where I'm gone from 6:45 am til nearly 8 pm!

Goodnight all!

jdouglass · 11-21-2006, 07:23 PM

How is it that after only 2 entries I opted to not return to this journal because I knew what was happening...oh yes, I've been eating nothing low carb!

It's almost silly now how easily I convince myself each day how tomorrow is the real day, tomorrow is the day where I start some sort of crazy version of Atkins. Of course the plan of that is to get ALLLL of this weight off in exactly 5 days since that is completely possible, right? Well, enough is enough. The time is now and it starts this minute.

My new life on Atkins begins 2 days before Thanksgiving at 9:18 pm.

Tomorrow I am flying home to see family for the weekend so I can't say how often I will be able to get online. But I have made some promises to myself that i wanted to write out in here so I can keep them. Next Monday will be my first day of accountability. Anyone else feel free to hold me to it!

Goals for Thanksgiving week:

Cardio 3 days
Callanetics 3 days
Drink at leat 4 liters of water
DO NOT OBSESS WITH CALORIES
Eat 3 meals plus 1 snack including the following:
B: 2 eggs with either bacon or some protein
L: Protein, side salad and add a serving of fat
S: tea or coffee w/cream (this is what I look forward to each day)
D: Protein, dark green veggie, add a serving of fat

I think that about covers it! Here's to my new life towards health, more confidence, accepting me for me each moment and most important....loving today!!

Happy Thanksgiving all!

jdouglass · 11-22-2006, 07:40 AM

good morning journal! bet you're surprised to see me two days in a row.

i'm here to stay so let's get thin again!

i'm packing and getting ready to fly on the busiest day ever but it's worth it! i'm going to see my family and best of all, my little 2 year old niece! she is so wonderful, i can't wait!

so far for today this is the plan before i fly:

B: masala chai tea w/cream (yum yum yum!!!), 2 eggs
L: egg salad (can you tell i have a lot of eggs to eat up) w/ 1/5 tbls of mayo
D: tuna salad w/ a bit of mayo and 1/4 avocado sliced on top, side salad

that's all i can fit in before i fly!

ok, time to start my day. got lots to do before 4 this evening.

jdouglass · 11-27-2006, 08:03 AM

I'm back from home! What a wonderful holiday...I spent 4 days with my 2 yr old niece who is just the most wonderful little girl ever. I get to see her again in 3 weeks which is the perfect Christmas wish.

So let me rehash my Turkey Day experience. This year was definitely better than previous years but I must be honest...I did not pick thanksgiving week as my first full week on Atkins. I can't tell you how many times I've done that in recent years and I ultimately end up ruining my experience with my family b/c I am playing diet battle in my head. So here is what I did instead...for the first time I ate MODERATELY! I ate what I wanted but I didn't binge. What a new experience! Now I will say at times I felt really full, I think mainly b/c some of the food was heavy but I did not binge.

So here I am, getting settled with my new week ahead. I'm taking today to shop, plan and get ready to begin Atkins full steam.

I am going to head to the store a little bit later after getting some work done. I think this round I am going to write out my meals more. I am hoping that this will help me try new things, think about what I'm eating and plan for all that comes my way.

I'm so excited to begin!

bbl

11-13-2006, 11:59 AM	#1
jdouglass Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: MA Posts: 370 Gallery: jdouglass Stats: 185/180/120 WOE: Atkins	Jdouglass- Time for change!!! Where and how do I begin? I guess I should write down everything since my struggle with my body and with food began. Unfortunately that was over 10 years ago! But, my optimistic side is saying at least I'm here now and recognizing what I need to do to change and move in the right direction. I have a feeling this is going to be a very long journey but HERE WE GO!!! I have always been a small gal. When I was a sophmore in highschool I probably weighed 110-115 or so? I didn't actually pay attention to weight until I met a dear friend who was fighting bulemia. I took her under my wing and was convinced I could help her get past this disease and get to a point where she loved and accepted herself. At that point, I'm not actually even sure whether I even loved who I was and my body because I suddenly internalized her body image distortion. Before I knew it, I was depriving myself of food after I would eat with her. I watched her fall apart mentally when we would have cake or ice cream and I think I began to feel just the way she did. It was at this point that I became fully aware of my imperfections. I wanted to be thinner and prettier and better. Everything became about being better at whatever it was. A better daughter, a better friend, a better girl, a better dancer. I was never ok just the way I was- I was always focused on being better. This furthered and worsened in highschool, leading me to different points of very low weight and extreme dieting. Looking back, I should have received counseling because if there was anyone who could be borderline anorexic, it was me. Just before I went off to college I began bingeing. My deprivation cycles got out of control and my body/mind started to rebel...asking for all the food I had held back for years now. I started to binge just like a bulemic would only I wasn't purging. It became a constant part of my day- should I binge today on whatever I wanted and then literally STOP eating tomorrow, maybe consumming 300 calories? That became my frame of reference- how should I eat today? Am I dieting today or should I go crazy and then start dieting tomorrow? This way of thinking has continued on and on until I discovered Atkins my final year in college. I transformed in to someone who was healty, slim and happy. Unfortunately I went off plan every few weeks or so. These days started small and turned in to full on binge days again just like before. That scary self talk was back and I started to gain weight when I graduated from college. My bingeing worsened. Fast forward 4 years and here we are today. I am 60 pounds heavier than I was in college. I lost about 40 pounds about 2 years ago through low calorie (about 6 weeks of maybe 400-500 calories a day). It was not the way to go but I had met someone and I wanted to lose weight immediately and quickly. Do I regret that? You BET!!! But I maintained that loss for almost a year and a half. Then last fall I hurt my back. I went from training for a marathon to not being able to run AT ALL! I was in so much pain and I was angry. The bingeing started again. Now I have put on all of my weight back and probably an extra 5 pounds. I am my biggest (probably a tight 14) and I am so sad and angry and upset with who I have become. Sometimes I don't know how to begin. I am still struggling with my bingeing cycle and now I am concerned about potential health issues down the road. How much have I hurt my body with so much crash dieting and calorie deprivation? I am 27 years old and all I want is to be a healthy young woman. I have an amazing BF who loves every inch of me. What if we were to marry and eventually have children? I don't want weight and bingeing to be a problem in my life. Things have to change...I know they do. But I am frightened. I have to start taking the right steps. This journal is one of those steps. I have to reach out to the amazing individuals on this site because I have tried to do this on my own and secretly for too long. I know I need support and that's ok. Well, I think that's enough for right now. Journal, we are going to become close close friends so get used to me! Hopefully we'll have a lot of laughs and smiles along the way! Thanks for listening! __________________ Jenn

11-13-2006, 03:08 PM	#3
lowcarbette Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Home of the Hawkeyes Posts: 4,300 Gallery: lowcarbette Stats: (Pregnancy high 200#) 162/115 WOE: Atkins	Hi Jenn~ I could have written much of what you did in terms of how the weight makes you feel, how discouraging it is to take inventory and feel completely overwhelmed at the insurmountable task ahead. All I can say is, START. Step by step and don't dwell on could-haves, dwell on NOW and what you can do NOW to make your life the way you want it to be.

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11-13-2006, 02:37 PM	#2
heidi21062 Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Transplanted to NC...but my hearts in Hampton, VA.... Posts: 14,573 Gallery: heidi21062 Stats: 190/176/110 - 5'3" WOE: Atkins..no WW's...wait a minute....what day is it? Start Date: Started WW 07/28/08 @ 178.6 lbs	Welcome to the Journal's Board! I just wanted to stop in and say 'hi'! I think that starting my journal has really helped me stay on track and accountable...I hope your's will do the same for you! Good luck in your journey!!! Remember, we're all here to help and support!

11-13-2006, 07:59 PM	#4
jdouglass Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: MA Posts: 370 Gallery: jdouglass Stats: 185/180/120 WOE: Atkins	Hi Heidi and Lowcarbette! Thank you so much for stopping by. It felt so good to put my thoughts some place where I can keep coming back to. I hope to learn from my story and from my past. I went shopping today...bought lots of eggs, meats and a few veggies. I think I'm going to follow your advice lowcarbette and stick with higher fat and very low carb to help me get in to ketosis. Then I can really begin a solid plan on the right road. I think I'm going to send a copy of my first post to my BF. Seeing my words written out might really help him see where all of this is coming from. I try to be honest with him but sometimes I feel so ashamed that I hide more from him than I should. It seems silly but I can't help what I feel. I'm trying to accept me for me at this exact moment. I think that is a completely necessary step before I can really begin this process. Well, I'm off for the night. Time to get some rest- it's my long day tomorrow where I'm gone from 6:45 am til nearly 8 pm! Goodnight all!

11-21-2006, 07:23 PM	#5
jdouglass Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: MA Posts: 370 Gallery: jdouglass Stats: 185/180/120 WOE: Atkins	How is it that after only 2 entries I opted to not return to this journal because I knew what was happening...oh yes, I've been eating nothing low carb! It's almost silly now how easily I convince myself each day how tomorrow is the real day, tomorrow is the day where I start some sort of crazy version of Atkins. Of course the plan of that is to get ALLLL of this weight off in exactly 5 days since that is completely possible, right? Well, enough is enough. The time is now and it starts this minute. My new life on Atkins begins 2 days before Thanksgiving at 9:18 pm. Tomorrow I am flying home to see family for the weekend so I can't say how often I will be able to get online. But I have made some promises to myself that i wanted to write out in here so I can keep them. Next Monday will be my first day of accountability. Anyone else feel free to hold me to it! Goals for Thanksgiving week: Cardio 3 days Callanetics 3 days Drink at leat 4 liters of water DO NOT OBSESS WITH CALORIES Eat 3 meals plus 1 snack including the following: B: 2 eggs with either bacon or some protein L: Protein, side salad and add a serving of fat S: tea or coffee w/cream (this is what I look forward to each day) D: Protein, dark green veggie, add a serving of fat I think that about covers it! Here's to my new life towards health, more confidence, accepting me for me each moment and most important....loving today!! Happy Thanksgiving all!

11-22-2006, 07:40 AM	#6
jdouglass Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: MA Posts: 370 Gallery: jdouglass Stats: 185/180/120 WOE: Atkins	good morning journal! bet you're surprised to see me two days in a row. i'm here to stay so let's get thin again! i'm packing and getting ready to fly on the busiest day ever but it's worth it! i'm going to see my family and best of all, my little 2 year old niece! she is so wonderful, i can't wait! so far for today this is the plan before i fly: B: masala chai tea w/cream (yum yum yum!!!), 2 eggs L: egg salad (can you tell i have a lot of eggs to eat up) w/ 1/5 tbls of mayo D: tuna salad w/ a bit of mayo and 1/4 avocado sliced on top, side salad that's all i can fit in before i fly! ok, time to start my day. got lots to do before 4 this evening.

11-27-2006, 08:03 AM	#7
jdouglass Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: MA Posts: 370 Gallery: jdouglass Stats: 185/180/120 WOE: Atkins	I'm back from home! What a wonderful holiday...I spent 4 days with my 2 yr old niece who is just the most wonderful little girl ever. I get to see her again in 3 weeks which is the perfect Christmas wish. So let me rehash my Turkey Day experience. This year was definitely better than previous years but I must be honest...I did not pick thanksgiving week as my first full week on Atkins. I can't tell you how many times I've done that in recent years and I ultimately end up ruining my experience with my family b/c I am playing diet battle in my head. So here is what I did instead...for the first time I ate MODERATELY! I ate what I wanted but I didn't binge. What a new experience! Now I will say at times I felt really full, I think mainly b/c some of the food was heavy but I did not binge. So here I am, getting settled with my new week ahead. I'm taking today to shop, plan and get ready to begin Atkins full steam. I am going to head to the store a little bit later after getting some work done. I think this round I am going to write out my meals more. I am hoping that this will help me try new things, think about what I'm eating and plan for all that comes my way. I'm so excited to begin! bbl