Lowcarbette is lowcarbing her way to freedom ~

[lowcarbette]

I am superstitious enough to think that by starting an online journal, I'm setting myself up for failure. Certainly I've journaled before ... same old drill where I go to Target and buy the cutest notebook there, positive that this will be the one notebook that seals the deal for me and gets me where I want to be, finally.

But with me, inevitably I binge on carbs again. Longest I've stuck to plan was 81 days, which is sad when I look back on the years and years that I've known about carbohydrate and its effect on my body. My brain knows what I should be eating, what is best for me, how tormented and poisoned I feel when I'm eating the junk. I've got excuses without end and won't bother listing them here.

My goal is to take the emotions out of the equation. I am tired of worrying about hostess's feelings when I can't eat her lasagna (why does the entire world serve either lasagna or pizza at social gatherings?!). I am tired of social events being planned exclusively around food and beverage intake. I am tired of the holidays being about food, I am tired of the movie theater being about food, I am tired of after-school snacks, I am tired of it all. This is me not being in ketosis. The difference is night and day, haze and clarity, life and death.

Time for me to suck it up and do this thing. No more fuzzy math, no more over-analyzing, no more trying to get more for less. I will write out my immediate regrets here, then I will move on. No more wallowing in this mess I have created for myself. Most of all, no more binging and fasting. I must figure out for myself how to control my carbohydrate intake for life.

Regrets: I regret that I no longer weigh 126 like I did one year ago (scale today was 153.5). I regret that I gave up my early-morning exercise routine that was such a fantastic way to clear the cobwebs for me every day. I regret the hours I have wasted when I was "in the food." I regret the toll it has taken on my family especially, the times it has meant that I was "unavailable" or "vacant." I have used it as my escape and that has to change.

There. Time to move on.

[lowcarbette]

That said, might as well figure out what I'm going to do here in this journal. I am an all-or-nothing girl and that has bitten me in the behind on so many levels in my life, most of all with weight and food. I have always set lofty goals, I am always setting timelines. Without exception I can look back at any photograph of myself as an adult and I can tell you what I weighed, and what event I was dieting for. Then generally I went off plan during that event, either because I'd met my goal or because I hadn't met it.

At any rate, in an attempt to get myself on the path to healing, my brain tells me that I need to set smaller, more attainable goals. This goes against my black/white mindset but I am going to fight through that and see where it gets me. I will treat my body as a science experiment and not as a trash compactor. I will see what works and what doesn't, using none of it as a reason to binge on carbohydrate.

Although it pains me, I will eventually make an attempt to climb the carbohydrate ladder. It is difficult to even type that, as I can't stand the thought. To me, it is either <10g carbs per day, or 300g. I understand that this is dis-ordered thinking, but it's my thinking. I'm here to change that. I'm one month away from being 36 and I am tired of my food-related issues. I know that LC is an answer for me ... I just need to figure out how to make it an answer that I can live with for more than 81 days.

[lowcarbette]

Today is Thursday, November 2, 2006. This is what I have fed myself thus far:

bottle of Fiji water (have to figure out the oz, hate when they give in mL)
tuna salad (pouch albacore, mayo, black pepper, curry powder, SF relish)
working on my second cup of coffee, black with 1/2 pkt of Splenda

Goals. Let's see. They are always fun to set but I find them fun in a way that's like "let's binge today and set high goals for tomorrow." So, I am bound to set a conservative goal here. A short-term, attainable goal. One that I will meet, embrace, reflect upon for a bit, and then set a new one and more forward. I've never once maintained a weight, whether high or low. Never once. My psyche is screaming, "Try to lose 25 pounds in 3 weeks" or some such. Maybe I set myself up for failure on purpose? I'm rambling and digressing but I guess that's my right in my own journal!

Okay, I have just decided that it's insane to set a number goal by a specific date. My body is not a machine and I am plenty susceptible to water weight changes on a daily basis. I am going to go away and come back later after I mull it over.

[lowcarbette]

I can see that it's going to be one of those days where I journal a lot, if only to stay away from the food.

Read cleochatra's post on the ML about perfectionism and it really resonates with me. It's me in a nutshell. Ergo, no more goals except the ultimate goal of achieving maximum health by way of a permanent LC lifestyle.

Am physically hungry, going to eat some more albacore salad and drink a Diet Cherry Coke with it as a means of avoiding Halloween buckets of candy. Yes, ultimately I think aspartame is evil and unkind to me and I'd like to be off of it. That's not something I am going to dwell on today. Today is all about desperation and staying CLEAN.

[lowcarbette]

12:50pm~ Headachey and tired, very blah. To be expected as I detox. Finished the bowl of albacore salad and have consumed 61oz of liquid so far. Been in the bathroom a lot already. Weight be gone!

[lowcarbette]

Cycle Day 10.

[JONAH'S GRANNY]

Good Luck Young Lady!

[lowcarbette]

Originally Posted by JONAH'S GRANNY

Good Luck Young Lady!

to my favorite Ann.

[lowcarbette]

Friday thoughts: Molly convinced me that I'm setting myself up for yet another failure by starting anew now. Better to focus on cleaning up my act in other areas and get to LC business after the holidays. I lean to this, but is that just the addict talking, wanting to put off the inevitable?

Regardless, here are some things to tackle over the holidays that I know I can do: walk 45 minutes every day that I can manage it (started this today, felt great). Get off caffeine, weaning slowly. Get off aspartame, again weaning slowly. I have one scoop left of regular coffee in my can upstairs ... why buy any more? Same with the pop ... had my last DCC yesterday, will wean by drinking DP today, which I really don't like.

These things seem like positive goals to me where right now, LCing seems like a prison sentence. I need my mojo back, as they say.

Bottom line, the binging has to stop, regardless of what food I'm eating. The mindless shoveling-in of food is awful, ugly, destructive. Why am I showing that to my kids?

I have some cottage cheese in the fridge, wondering if SF Almond DaVinci would be good mixed into that? The cupboards are bare ... that may be my lunch today!

Over and out.

[AllieCat0817]

Originally Posted by lowcarbette

My goal is to take the emotions out of the equation. I am tired of worrying about hostess's feelings when I can't eat her lasagna (why does the entire world serve either lasagna or pizza at social gatherings?!). I am tired of social events being planned exclusively around food and beverage intake. I am tired of the holidays being about food, I am tired of the movie theater being about food, I am tired of after-school snacks, I am tired of it all. This is me not being in ketosis. The difference is night and day, haze and clarity, life and death.
.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Love your thread, I got ya back!

[lowcarbette]

Hi friend.

[lowcarbette]

Okay. 2 days without Aspartame, under my belt. 4 45-minute walks under my belt. Also under my belt: a 34" waist, 41" hips, and 25" thighs (that's apiece). Breakfast today was yocheese with a sprinkling of pecan pieces. Am on my second mug of coffee with HH and Splenda.

[AllieCat0817]

Just giving you a hug girlfriend.

[lowcarbette]

Hi Allie.

Lunch: more yocheese with a sprinkling of coconut and pecans. Diet Rite instead of the candy that I want. Going to wrap Christmas presents instead of eating. I wrapping presents.

Minute by minute today. Also planned: a walk tonight with DH. Should help speed up the detox process. Again.

[lowcarbette]

Am completely amazed that I didn't eat all of Shelly's warm, freshly-baked ccc's. THANK YOU to whatever power helped me there ... that wasn't me!

[JONAH'S GRANNY]

Nice picture of the babies. They are really growing.

[lowcarbette]

Hello Miss Ann! Yes, they're about to turn 9 and 10 next month. Can hardly believe it! Maggie has been counting down to getting her ears pierced for years now. It's almost here. to you! Happy Tuesday.

One day clean = one pound down.
One day clean = one pound down.
One day clean = one pound down.
One day clean = one pound down.
One day clean = one pound down.
One day clean = one pound down.
One day clean = one pound down.

[lowcarbette]

Feeling good today, worlds better than yesterday. Legs are sore from taking 6 walks in 5 days.

[jokath]

Here's to ya friend...

[lowcarbette]

Right back atcha, Kath!

[cleochatra]

Hi, beauty patootie! I couldn't find your thread at first and thought, OMG! She really did it! She ran off with Fabio!"

Imagine my relief!

I think it is so awesome to see what you're writing because it helps so many people who feel the same way you do! One way I try to break a superstition is to try and do something differently, even if it's dumb. Maybe you start every entry with, "And so Merv Griffin said..." or wear a favorite pair of shoes when journalling to let you know this time it's different! And, of course, not worrying if you don't post all the time perfectly.

Or so Merv Griffin says!

[LadyLove]

Hey Lesley... just dropping by to send positive vibes your way for your journey.

[lowcarbette]

Good morning to cleo and LadyLove! all around, or so Merv Griffin says. I'm taking cleo's advice and running with it.

So. Down a half-pound today. Pretty stingy but I'll take it. I'm mid-cycle so I don't lose easily right now anyway, plus I've been eating lots of yogurt to ease my way back into LC eating. Am happy to say that the yogurt just isn't tripping my trigger like it used to. I don't like it much and am not craving it. So, that's going to the curb. Loving my deviled eggs, mainly the "fillings" part.

[jokath]

Congratulations on the half pound Lesley, at least its a starting point I'm still lovin my greek yogurt combined with coconut and flaxmeal, this morning I mixed in some almond butter..yum.

Good luck to ya today....

[lowcarbette]

Originally Posted by jokath

Congratulations on the half pound Lesley, at least its a starting point I'm still lovin my greek yogurt combined with coconut and flaxmeal, this morning I mixed in some almond butter..yum.

Good luck to ya today....

Thanks Kathy. If not now, then when? as they say. Keep it up!

[lowcarbette]

Stomach growling, so lunch today will be:

sliced sirloin with S&P and melted jalapeno cheese atop
mmmmmmmmmmmmm, dollop of sour cream and a diet pop (I know, aspartame)

[lowcarbette]

Thinking a lot about "sobriety" today as it relates to my eating. Must stay abstinent, must stay in ketosis, must prevail!