PrettyInTink's No BS Journal

[PrettyInTink]

Hi. I'm Cyndi. I am married to a WONDERFUL man who I drive truck with cross country from New Jersey to California and back. I drive days, he drives nights. I am writing this journal (and surfing the web) via a cingular wireless card that I want to throw out the window at times.

I met my husband five years ago when I was about 224 lbs. He was a buff 235lb body builder . I fattened him up, I'm sad to say. But I haven't always been fat.

When I was in high school I battled with my weight. So much that I developed a nasty eating disorder. I binged and purged my way to what I thought was a "healthy" weight, at one point reaching 125lbs. At 5'9" and a large frame, not pretty. I was a typical southern pageant queen, always trying to win the next one at all costs. I loved pageants, yet I secretly hated them because I always had to look perfect. It sucked.

The day I graduated from high school, I weighed 157lbs. I thought I was a cow. If I only knew what was coming.

I have since gained over the last 7 years 110 lbs. I only recently lost 19lbs. I have yo-yo'd up and down on atkins, but I never have been able to make it a lifestyle.

I WANT to lose the weight. I WANT to wear cute clothes. But I cheated (again) last night (halloween marshmellow egg ) and some of those goldfish crackers. And now I';m faced with the old "Give up till January 1st" or "Start tomorrow". I am fighting what I feel is a losing battle with myself.

I love food. I think about it all the time. I know I shouldn't. But it is extrememly hard to drive 10-11 hours a day without thinking about food. There are so many temptations. I just realized today that I am in essence a paralyzed person. I sit all day long (we run air freight, can't stop a lot due to time) and then I go to sleep at night.

Now the struggle continues, start tomorrow- or just enjoy the holidays and start in January. Life is tough. I know what the "right" decision is. But I always make the wrong one.