HAB's journal

[HAB]

Hi to anyone who chooses to read this.
Please forgive me if it seems like I am rambling from time to time. I usually takes me a lot of typing/thinking to work through something so I expect some of my posts to be rather long. I also expect there to be quite a bit of whining in this journal as that is one thing I am very good at. That being said I'm using this as a tool for weightloss/health as well as the mental issues I have with being overweight.

So my story starts like this: I was always bigger than the other girls in my age group growing up. When I say bigger I mean taller, stockier and more developed. Although I can remember being told I was fat for most of my childhood when I look at the pictures now I just can't see it. Below are a few examples:



I can definately see that I had a little meat on my bones and I wasn't scrawny by any means but I just don't see FAT! Yet I distinctly remember being told by relatives, friends of the family and my own friends/peers that I was fat. And I heard it all the time too. What were they seeing that I can't see now?

Anyway, I think that's where I started having some real self esteem issues. I looked about like the above pictures until late junior high/early highschool. Then I really did begin to put on weight. I can't remember any exact weights from this time period, I just know that I was chubby. See pic below:


So the weight gain continued slowly over time until the age of 26 when I reached 241 pounds! I had lost weight various times over the years but I had never really "dieted". To lose weight I usually just worked out really hard and tried to watch my fat intake. I'm not one of those people who have tried every diet under the sun and had no success with them. Every time I wanted to lose weight I exercised heavily and the weight came off fairly easily, then I would go back to old habits and the weight would slowly come back. Up until that point in my life I had never worried too much about my weight. Sure I wanted to be thinner but I still had a lot of friends, was very active physically, and didn't really feel the sting of being overweight. Once I got up to that point, however, I started noticing some things. It seemed like people paid less attention to my feelings and opinions. I started having to shop at "big girl" stores that were either really expensive or had no trendy, cute clothes for someone of my age group. See pics below:


My mom had been doing the Atkins diet for a while at that point and she was having some good results so I decided to do it with her. WOW! Amazing results! I loved being able to eat real food and fat and still lose weight. I lost about 55 pounds in 6 months, with no cheats from day one. I was also working out heavily again and got down to a very toned 185. I was in a size 13/15 juniors and felt great!

There were some drawbacks to losing the weight though. Guys that I had known for a long time who were just friends or who were just plain rude to me before were now hitting on me. They started complementing me on how intelligent, nice, fun I was. Um, hello, I was the same person, just thinner.

A couple of girls that I thought were my best friends started competing with me and distancing themselves from me. These two particular friends had always been competitive with eachother but I had always been exempt from their bickering (these girls even had a fight about whose collar bones were smaller! ). I had never realized before that they didn't compete with me because I was the "fat friend". The girl who was fun to hang out with and always made you look better when you stood next to her! Wow, what a painful wake up call!

However, I didn't let that stuff get to me too bad. I was to happy with my new body to let any thing keep me down for long!

Around that time I met a guy and we began seeing eachother very casually.
Well, unexpectedly I became pregnant! At that time I wasn't sure if it was healthy to do Atkins while pregnant so I immediately went off plan and gained 10 pounds the first week! Over the course of my pregnancy I gained an amazing 83 pounds! Now keep in mind I ate fairly healthy except for an occasional ice cream or french fry fest. I still kept it fairly low-carb on a daily basis, just adding in more healthy grains and friut. Oh my lord, did I eat a lot of fruit! Of course my doctor continually chastised me for gaining too much weight. No matter what I did though, I still gained! I even dieted and kept my calories @ 1200 a day, counting every little morsel that went into my mouth, for a whole month. I still managed to gain 10 pounds that month. I guess because it happened so slowly I didn't realize (nor did my doctor) that I was retaining a lot of water. I got up to 268 pounds by the time I had my daughter. But, a week after having her I had lost 48 pounds! No dieting or exercising, just a lot of urinating! My daughter weighed 8 pounds at birth so that means I was carrying around 40 pounds of water, give or take a few for the placenta and extra body fluids! The funny thing is the same doctor who had critisized me for gaining too much also lectured me about losing too quickly when I went in for a check up 2 weeks after the birth!

So I got down to 220 and have been stuck around there for the last year or so. I've done Atkins off and on and have gotten down to 200 even but for some reason I keep going off plan and regaining back up to 220. This is what I look like now. I wish I had a full length pic of me dressed but I tend to avoid those. This doesn't really show how bad it is.

In the last year I've been struggling more than ever before with my weight and how it effects me mentally, not just physically. It seems so much harder this time to get on track and stay there. Of course a lot has happened since the successful time I did Atkins. I had a baby, got married and moved across the country. I'm now a stay at home mom where as before I was extremely independent, owned my own business and was constantly on the go, so I think that helped me not to focus on food so much. I also had the support of a lot of family and friends. Here I only know a couple people and have no family so I think that is a factor as well.

Right now I'm on day 2 of what is hopefully my last restart. I'm hoping that this journal will help to keep me on track as long as allowing me a place to vent when things aren't going well.

Below are my current stats along with pics:

Current weight: 222 lbs.
Height: 5'5
BMI: 36.9 Severely obese
It's extremely hard for me to post these pics. I want to shrink them down so they are so tiny you can hardly see anything but I am trying to be honest with myself and I think these will help.

Goals:

Weight: 140 lbs.
BMI: 23.3 healthy

I plan on posting menus here as well. I will come back later to post what I have eaten for the day as I never really plan specifically what I will eat. I just keep a lot of low-carb options on hand and eat what sounds good at that time. I am doing induction levels of carbs right now but not sticking to strictly induction foods. This method seems to work better for me but everything is open to change.

I also plan on beginning some kind of exercise plan. Not sure what will work right now. I've always loved going to the gym as opposed to other types of exercise but that's not feasible right now for financial and childcare reasons.

Anyway, I'm really hoping things will click this time. Not just for my appearance and health but so my daughter can have a good role model to grow up with.

Whew, I'm worn out from posting all this. I will check in later this evening.

[HAB]

This is my menu for today:

B: 2 eggs scrambled with cheese, 3 strips Oscar Meyer pre-cooked bacon
L: 3 turkey burgers with cheese, broccoli
D: 3 turkey burgers with cheese, broccoli

Water, diet coke, 1 cup coffee with 1/2 & 1/2

I'm feeling kind of guilty about eating 6 turkey burgers today. It's quite a bit of food, even though they have 0 or less than 1 carb each. I told myself though that in the first week or so I could eat as much legal food as I wanted as long as my carb count was at 20 or below. That way I am full and satisfied till ketosis kicks in. In the past I have had problems with limiting food intake too much in the beginning, looking for that quick fix and hoping to drop 20 pounds overnight. I'm sure this is why I have failed so many times lately. The first time I did Atkins I didn't limit myself at all, just ate till I was satisfied and that's been the only time it really "worked" for me.

So that's my first official goal I guess. Letting myself eat as much as I need to stay on plan. I don't want quick weightloss, I want permanent weightloss.

Hmmmmm.....maybe I should pick a goal a week or however long it takes to get it through my head. Think I'll add it to my siggy so every time I post I will be reminded of what I am working on that particular week.

[YoYoGirl]

I just wanted to pop in and say... You can do this! I can identify with so many things in your post. You definitely were NOT fat as a kid! I wonder where those around you got that idea? I was never a skinny kid, but I was a healthy, muscular girl and I was told the same thing!
Pregnancy can be interesting...can relate to you there, as well. I gained 50 pounds with dd number 1...lost all the weight after months of lowfat and lots of exercise. Then gained 55 pounds with daughter number 2... And I know what it's like to not be pigging out during the preggo time, but still gaining like crazy! I was exercising and trying to watch my portions, but STILL gained! Hormones!!!
Hab...you are on the right road. Don't feel badly about the burgers. They are on plan! In fact, all of your choices today were great ones. I can't wait to see what kind of whoosh you'll have this week!

[HAB]

Good morning!

First I want to say thank you to YoYoGirl for stopping in. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my journal and being so supportive. It means a lot to me!

Well, it's the morning of day 3 and I can't believe how much better I feel already! I can tell when I look in the mirror that my tummy is smaller. It seems like I always carry a lot of bloat around my middle but the minute I start Atkins it goes away quickly. I definately have more energy! It seems like the carb cravings went away yesterday evening. Oh, I am sure they'll be back but it's nice to not have to deal with them for now. I am so thankful that I feel this good only two full days into induction. I know a lot of people have headaches or a lot of weakness and tiredness but that never seems to be the case with me. I am very lucky.

All the above should serve as a reminder that I should really stay on plan. If I feel so much better and enjoy the food that I am eating why would I ever go off plan? Can that piece of pizza or that slice of birthday cake really be worth it? No, I know that it's not.

For right now I have decided not to weigh. Not sure how long that will last cause I've always been an obsessive weigher. Right now I'm not having to hold myself back casue I'm almost scared to weigh and I'm gonna use that to my advantage. I'm thinking maybe once a week I will weigh in, not sure what day, maybe Wed. since I started that day. I do defiantely need to take my measurements and post them here. Perhaps a little later today.

Well, I've gotta go take my daughter to story hour at the library. Will check in later with my menu for the day.

[HAB]

Menu for today was:

B: 2 eggs scrambled with cheese, 3 strips Oscar Meyer pre-cooked bacon
L: Chicken soup (chicken, celery, chicken stock, egg and lemon pepper seasoning-Delicious!)
D:3 turkey burgers w/cheese, tomato, bacon and mayo, broccoli
Dsrt:2 spoonfuls ricotta chs., Davincis and some chopped pecans
Water, Diet Coke, 1 cup of coffee with 1/2 & 1/2

LIttle concerned about the amount of bacon I had today and the amount of food. However I have to say I enjoyed my meals SO much today! Every bite was delicious and they were taken without guilt so I will try not to let it bother me for now. I;ll start cracking down more once I get in the swing of things again.

I am proud of myself for not restricting my food so much that I go off plan. This feels like when I did Atkins my successful time and it was just part of my life not all of it. Still not planning on weighing anytime soon. I hope that it's beneficial to me and does not backfire. I would hate to get on the scale after waiting a week or two to weigh and only have lost 5 or so pounds.

DD loved the story hour today. It's right in the middle of her first nap but it's only once a week so I think it'll be okay.

Anyway, not much else to say for now so I will check in later tonight or tomorrow.

[monet0329]

Good morning!!.. I just found this journal.. and I wnated to say.. ..
glad you found this wonderful place ;;

looks like your on the road to a new you!.. AND THATS AWESOME !!

I know what you mean when you were in school.. though my friend or school peers never said I was fat.. it was my step dad and a few other family members.. and like you, I look back and think.. what the heck..lol.. oh well.. I was very much into dancing in highschool and always had very strong legs.. always had to buy jeans that fit my legs and they would be really loose in the waist.. ..lol.. but boy what I would give to look like that girl again hehe.. and I will .. and the only thing I have to give is.. my possitive attitude and the love I have givin myself since I have started this WOE..

I have a feeling you will stick to this WOL this time.. and we will be here to help you make it.... just stay strong and keep those reason close to your heart..expecially the being a good role model for your daughter.. which is just a cutie pie ..

have a great day...

Ps.. think I will be making that soup soon.. it sounds delish!!..thanks

[HAB]

Good evening journal!

Thanks to Monet for stopping in with a few kind words and thoughts! I really appreciate it!

Today has gone well. I still have not weighed yet which I think is a good thing. I woke up this morning feeling fat and I am glad I didn't get on the scale. I just didn't need that kind of disappointment today.

Now that it's a little bit later I feel less bloated and better. Maybe I was retaining a little bit of water but it seems to have left now. My clothes are already starting to fit better and my tummy is definately less poochy!

We had to go to two, count 'em, two birthday parties today. One was a combined party so there were two different cakes. That makes three temptations and boy am I a sucker for birthday cake and ice cream! Somehow I was able to resist. I wasn't even tempted! Yay! That is such a relief. I don't know why I wasn't but I am so thankful for it anyway.

My menu for today was as follows:

B: Same
L: Bowl of chicken soup, salad w/ pecans, cheese & jalapeno ranch dressing
D: Scrambled eggs w/ Itlalian sausage, chopped green onion, green pepper, cheese, sour cream and salsa.

Water, diet coke, iced tea, 1 cup of coffee with 1/2 & 1/2.

All my meals were really good today too. So far I am not feeling deprived and I am not having a problem with restricting myself too much. Obviously!

I'm just so thankful that things are going so well so far. Part of me is waiting for the bottom to drop out and to go back to my old ways but it sure hasn't happened yet and for that I am very grateful.

That's all I have to say for now. I'll check in tomorrow.

[monet0329]

hello there and good evening .. You had a good day!! and good for you for resisting the cake and ice cream.. I will have to do that next weekend.. my step daughter will be turning 16 .. but I'll be good..

I just got to see your pictures.. I was at work earlier and they have a block for all pics.. grrr.. I do see the aviators(sp?) though .lol.. your such a pretty girl .. I see where your lil one gets it

Oh I wanted to ask.. where did you find the jalapeno ranch dressing?. I found some once for my dh.. and have never been able to find it again and he just loved it... ???help me please..lol.. thanks..

have a great evening hun.. ..

[HAB]

Good morning journal!

Well I wasn't able to get in here yesterday, as it was a busy day. My menu yesterday was:

B: 2 scrambled eggs w/ cheese
L: 10 Hooters "naked" wings, bleu cheese dressing, celery sticks
D: Nothing specific just some snacking-2 slices cheese, some leftover Italian sausage, some more celery, and a Cookies and Cream Atkins bar.
Dsrt: 2 spoonfuls of Ricotta cheeses with some Davinci's

Ugh! I really tried hard last night to not eat that Atkins bar. My husband had picked up a couple for me a the store earlier. In some ways I am glad he did. The reason the naked is in parenthisis above is because although they weren't supposed to have breading on them I'm sure there was something on them that had carbs in it. Usually something like that would keep me satisfied for hours but shortly after eating them I was hungry again and I had horrible cravings all last night. I wasn't really actually hungry, more like just wanting to eat which explains all the snacking I did last night and the urge for the Atkins bar. Plus I was really craving sweet stuff which isn't normal for me. I typically crave salty things so that agian tells me there was something in or on those wings that I shouldn't have been having. Oh well, that's what I get for assuming that naked means naked.

On the plus side the Atkins bar seemed to do the trick and I didn't binge or go off plan! And a couple of pairs of capris that I have that were too tight fit now!

It's amazing that so much can change in so little time. Some days I sit here and think I shouldn't get on the scale cause I'll be disappointed if I have only lost 5 pounds or something. At other times though I remember that it's only been 5 days and 5 pounds in that amount of time would be huge progress. It seems like I am more accepting of the fact, this time, that it's not going to happen over night. Let's hope that sticks!

Well, I will check in later this evening with my menu.

[monet0329]

Originally Posted by HAB

Good morning journal!

Well I wasn't able to get in here yesterday, as it was a busy day. My menu yesterday was:

B: 2 scrambled eggs w/ cheese
L: 10 Hooters "naked" wings, bleu cheese dressing, celery sticks
D: Nothing specific just some snacking-2 slices cheese, some leftover Italian sausage, some more celery, and a Cookies and Cream Atkins bar.
Dsrt: 2 spoonfuls of Ricotta cheeses with some Davinci's

Ugh! I really tried hard last night to not eat that Atkins bar. My husband had picked up a couple for me a the store earlier. In some ways I am glad he did. The reason the naked is in parenthesis above is because although they weren't supposed to have breading on them I'm sure there was something on them that had carbs in it. Usually something like that would keep me satisfied for hours but shortly after eating them I was hungry again and I had horrible cravings all last night. I wasn't really actually hungry, more like just wanting to eat which explains all the snacking I did last night and the urge for the Atkins bar. Plus I was really craving sweet stuff which isn't normal for me. I typically crave salty things so that again tells me there was something in or on those wings that I shouldn't have been having. Oh well, that's what I get for assuming that naked means naked.

On the plus side the Atkins bar seemed to do the trick and I didn't binge or go off plan! And a couple of pairs of capris that I have that were too tight fit now!

It's amazing that so much can change in so little time. Some days I sit here and think I shouldn't get on the scale cause I'll be disappointed if I have only lost 5 pounds or something. At other times though I remember that it's only been 5 days and 5 pounds in that amount of time would be huge progress. It seems like I am more accepting of the fact, this time, that it's not going to happen over night. Let's hope that sticks!

Well, I will check in later this evening with my menu.

Hey there. .. it's a good thing you posted just now..lol.. I was making some sausage n the oven... and forgot about it when I can in here to post my lunch.. .. I read your sausage and went running into the kitchen.. you saved my sausage.. .. I wanted to cook some up as well as some turkey bacon just in case I feel the need to snack.. .. I am trying the meat and egg.. so I have to have something ready..lol..

I think you did pretty good ... sometimes i get into snack mode too.. but I always stay legal.. better then all the other yummy stuff we have here !..

well you have a great rest of your day hun..

[HAB]

Good Evening!

Thanks Monet for stopping by again! I am really appreciating your support!

Exhausted tonight so I won't be writing much. Just gone done with the grocery shopping and the food prep for the next two weeks. The last two times I have gone to the grocery store I have come home and prepared meals so that all I have to do is defrost and cook and it's ready. It involves a lot of work up front (four hours worth! ) but it's worth it in the end. Now I have dinners (and possible leftovers for lunches) for the next two weeks!

I made: 2 Hot wings,2 chicken fajitas,2 chicken & tofu stir fry,1 kahlua pork, 1BBQ pulled pork, 2 Chicken soups, 2 chile verde. I'm excited to try the chile verde, I've never made it before. Basically I just cut up all the meat and put it in freezer bags with it's respective sauce (low-carb of course) and then freeze it. I was getting really tired of wasting money we don't have on groceries cause they would go bad before we could use them all. This way is much better but WHEW! am I tired when I get done.

My menu today was as follows:
B: 2 scrambled eggs w/ cheese
L: Tuna w/ mayo, 2 slices cheese
D: 2 turkey burgers, celery

Water, Diet Coke, 1 cup coffee with 1/2 & 1/2

I know my menu was pretty bare of veggies today but we didn't have anything at home except celery. I put off the grocery shopping cause this weekend was so busy and the fridge was pretty empty! LOL!

Well, going to go veg out in the bath with a book. I'll check in tomorrow morning!

[monet0329]

Wanna come over and get my dinners ready for me hehee? what an awesome thing to do.. good for you!..have a great bubble bath..

[YoYoGirl]

Wow! You are prepared!! I wish for that kind of organization in the food/meals prepared department.

[HAB]

Good evening!

Not feeling so hot today. I think lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I am physically tired but not sleepy enough to take a nap or even sleep well at night. That's somethign I'm used to with lc though. I have insomnia anyways and this WOE seems to make it worse. I've actually sabotaged myself before by eating something carby so I could sleep! Crazy I know. Think I might have to go back to decaf coffe and caffeine free diet coke.

Still going strong eating wise. The end of today makes it one week so I will be wieghing in the morning. Kinda scared and nervous but I gotta know what my progress is, if any.

Here's my menu:

B: 2 eggs scrambled, 3 strips bacon
L: 2 bowls chicken soup, 2 slices of cheese
D: Chicken & Tofu stir fry

Water, Diet Coke, 1 1/2 cups of coffee with 1/2 & 1/2 and a little cinamon

[YoYoGirl]

I was dragging today, too! Usually I feel energized doing lowcarb. I slept a lot of hours last night, too! So... I'm not sure what is causing the tiredness. I find that if/when I go off plan and have some carbs I HAVE to sleep. Weird, huh?

Have a great day tomorrow!

[monet0329]

Originally Posted by YoYoGirl

I was dragging today, too! Usually I feel energized doing lowcarb. I slept a lot of hours last night, too! So... I'm not sure what is causing the tiredness. I find that if/when I go off plan and have some carbs I HAVE to sleep. Weird, huh?

Have a great day tomorrow!

YoYO.. I think you need to up your carb intake a bit.. that will make you tired if your not getting enough.. also.. are you drinking enough water.. dehydration will do the same thing.. hope this helps hun..

[mtsofmercy]

Wanted to say "hi" and that I'm here, cheering you on!! You're doing great!! I think preparing the meal ahead of time is great idea... I have no idea where to start though... Maybe you can pm me w/ the tips you follow when you get a chance?

Have a great day!

[HAB]

Hey journal.

Thanks for stopping by and showing your support mtsofmercy! I will pm you later with what I do as far as food prep goes.

Uggh! I am sooooooooooo grumpy! I hate feeling like this. I think a large part of it is lack of sleep. I am having the hardest time trying to sleep lately. I spend most of the morning walking around like a zombie. In the late morning/early afternoon I start to feel better, then I get the "afternoon slump" from about 3-5 and am so tired I just want to lay down on the couch. Then I am wide awake till about 12 or 1 in the morning, tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep. Bleh! I'm not sure what to do about this or even why I am so tired? Hopefully I will feel better in a little while once my body gets used to the whole Atkins thing again.

Didn't check in yesterday as it was a busy day. Weighed yesterday morning and I was at 216.8. That's -6 pounds. I know I should be happy about losing 6 pounds but I'm not. Seems like I always want this weight gone yesterday! Oh well, I stuck to plan anyway. Was really tempted to cheat when we were looking at all the Halloween candy at Target but when I really thought about it I didn't want to. I sat there and thought about what the candy really tasted like and I guess I didn't want it that bad after all cause it didn't seem appealing at all. I'm almost positive that the only reason I wanted it at all was cause I was tired and stressed and wanted it to comfort me.

I never used to think I was an emotional eater up until about a year ago. That's when I realized how much I did really use food for comfort. Everytime I take that comfort away I am really lost without it. What are you supposed to do to make yourself feel better when you can't use food? Hopefully I will figure out the answer to that soon.

My menu for yesterday was:

B: 2 eggs scrambled w/ chs., 3 strips bacon
L: Rotisserie chicken, salad (baby greens, chs, jalapeno ranch dressing)
D: Chile verde, chs, sour cream, salsa. Kinda disappointed in the chile verde. I think being in the crock-pot for so long cooked most of the sauce down so there wasn't a lot of that flavor left. Next time I may have to strain off the meat and add more sauce at the end.
Snack: Handful of "salsa" cashews

Water, diet coke, 1 cup coffee w/ 1/2 & 1/2, 1 Starbucks Dbl. tall sugar-free vanilla breve.

Will check in later tonight with my menu for today.

[HAB]

Whew! Much less grumpy this evening, Yay! Don't know what exactly was going on but I definately feel better now.

Here's my menu for today:

B: Same
L: leftover chile verde, salad-mixed baby greens, cheese, rotisserie chicken, jalapeno ranch dressing
D: Gonna be bad, brace yourselves-2 slices worth of pizza toppings, 3 hot wings, celery.

Water, diet coke, 1 cup coffee w/ 1/2 & 1/2, 1/2 a Diet cranberry juice (5 oz)

I know that dinner was less than spectacular tonight. I generally try to stick to healthier meals for dinner (leaner meats, more veggies) but I was craving pizza and my husband works for a pizza place for his second job so there you go. At least the hot wings were home made so I know there was no breading on them and I didn't eat the skin either so that helps a little on the amount of fat. I'm not trying to restrict my fat intake, just don't really like it, specially if there's globs of fat hanging off of it .

So, I feel like I've accomplished the goal I put on my siggy last week. I definately haven't been restricting myself at all! I'm thinking that my next one will be taking my vitamins daily. It may seem like such a tiny thing but I am so bad when it comes to taking them. It's not that I forget either, it's just plain laziness. I am having a lot of joint aches and leg pain/cramps so I know I need to take them all the time. Guess, I'll be adding that to my siggy after I post. I feel kinda silly having these things as goals since most people have minutes of exercise or pounds lost by a certain date as their goals. Oh well, sometimes I really appreciate the anonymity of this site!

Good night journal! for a good nights sleep.

[monet0329]

hey sweetie..

Its not silly to have taking your Vitamins as a daily goal.. not at all.. it is hard to remember them.. what I do is I have them right here in front of my computer screen..lol.. I know. I know.. that looks bad.. .. but you know what.. I remember to take them every day. cause there they are lookin at me.. not outta site.. or in the kitchen or bathroom.. right here in front of me.. where I know I will spend some time.. cause I have to come in here.. hehe .. just a thought for ya..

you're doing great hun.. KUTGW!!

[YoYoGirl]

I'm just checking in, dear! I agree with Monet...taking the viatmins is a worthwhile goal...You hang in there...You've been doing great so far.