Shantony's Journey to Wholeness

[Shantony]

So I've broken down and decided to start my own journal. Wow! The pressure. My success and failures will be there for everyone to see. Okay. How do I start? From the beginning? Sure why not.

My paternal grandmother never missed an opportunity to call me fat. She is 78 years old and still calls me fat. I stopped talking to her for 8 years and when I broke down and called her, she talked about me being fat.

So I had a complex. Kids in fifth grade called me He-man and Ms. Piggy. In high school a guy I was crushin on wrote in my yearbook, "To Big Face......blah, blah, blah........start running again so you can get rid of those big horse thighs!"

I was sexually abused from age 7 to 11. Parents found out at 12. I battled low self esteem for years and years and years. I just woke up at age 34 and decided that I was not going to waste the best years of my life. I looked in the mirror and thought I was pretty. Fat but pretty. DH had been telling me for years but I thought he was biased.

I look back on old photos and realize that I wasn't even fat. I was "thick" but not fat. I weighed 125lbs at age 18 at five foot two. I ran track and as I look back I was HOT! But low self esteem robbed me of that. I didnt enjoy being skinny when I was. Image distortion.

I eat to get rid of pain. I eat to get rid of stress. I eat when I'm angry and I eat when I'm happy. I've got to get a life. My dad is a chef. Good food has ALWAYS been a part of my life. I hate to cook but love to bake. I love to be cooked for and catered to. I have champagne tastes.

Afro-Hispanic/Carribean heritage made rice the best tasting food on earth to me. I just love to eat. That why I hate counting calories and what not. All the best foods to eat are high calorie. I hate doing all the complex math when I eat. Counting carbs is easy.

I'm committed. This is do or die. I have had enough. Tired of being the victim. Have no clue how this story will end but I committed to the writing. I will never go back.

That's about it. I need to find a plan that works for me. I have to find an exercise routine that works for me. I need to get my act together in my personal life. I need to keep and strengthen my relationship with God.

I'm down. I'm ready. Let's do it!

[angtonio1]

Ok miss thing, i found your journal. How come you have not posted in here??? Come on missy, i am here to help and motivate you. Just to show you i am going to make myself a journal. i started to have one on another forum and the girls were getting "cliqueish"......but i love these forums.

Anyhoo, i am here too help you and cheer you on! KUTGW!

[Shantony]

Hey Angie. Welcome to my world.

Well I was lazy again this morning. This is bad. Definitely bad. I think it's the Kleritea. I hate the lazy feelings it invokes in me but want the crud out!. That's the only down side of Colonix for me. I'll be glad when 84 days are over just so I can wake up and feel awake but then the best sleep I ever had might go away with it.

I have to get up and swallow the pills. I hate herb pills but I will do what I have to do to be whole. Cleaning my colon is apart of my process.

I'm whiny the first coupla days of TOM. I've learned that about myself. I hate when I get like this. I seem so negative to myself and the hormonal imbalance makes things seem like nothing will ever be good again.

I have to get my health together. I produce too much insulin and estrogen and I have uterine fibroids because of it. I'm hoping that I will have the "Shalom" type of life and health. Shalom is a hebrew word that means "nothing missing and nothing broken." Thus my journey to Shalom or wholeness.

I really should exercise but I have made a deal with myself. I will officially start exercising the day T-Tapp arrives. Then there'll be no excuses.

Breakfast is coming up. THe ultimate question. Okay, what am I going to eat today. I have come to love eating Avocados but they are high in calories. They are healthy but I now want to watch how much fat is floating around in my bloodstream. I guess I will have to cut out something else. Dang! Bacon has to play a minor role now. I was living for that stuff.

[Shantony]

"If you are carbohydrate addicted and you have not been able to maintain success on other programs, your lack of success was not your fault! Chances are that the plan you attempted to follow was not designed to correct the cause of your weight gain and cravings.

In order for a program to help you lose weight and keep it off, it must correct the very cause of, and thus reduce, your cravings, weight, and many health-related risks. Feelings of deprivation, sacrifice, even the desire to cheat, are signs that a weight-loss plan has not corrected the cause of your eating or weight problems."

This quote from The Carbohydrate Addict's Lifespan Program book really helped me to clear some things up mentally about abandoning plans in search of the right one for me.

This is MY process and MY journey. Not anyone else's. No one has my genetics or body. What will work for everyone else may not work for me. I have to discover what the answer is and cause of my weight problems and health problems.

God has been telling me that I need to stay in my own lane. Run my own race. Not to look to my right or to my left but to stay focused on the finish line and I will win the race.

So I"m doing just that. I'm not going to compare myself to anyone. I will look for inspiration but not try to be like the one who inspired me. I will just take it as encouragement that it has been done. That weight can be conquered when I find my niche.

[angtonio1]

Originally Posted by Shantony

"If you are carbohydrate addicted and you have not been able to maintain success on other programs, your lack of success was not your fault! Chances are that the plan you attempted to follow was not designed to correct the cause of your weight gain and cravings.

In order for a program to help you lose weight and keep it off, it must correct the very cause of, and thus reduce, your cravings, weight, and many health-related risks. Feelings of deprivation, sacrifice, even the desire to cheat, are signs that a weight-loss plan has not corrected the cause of your eating or weight problems."

This quote from The Carbohydrate Addict's Lifespan Program book really helped me to clear some things up mentally about abandoning plans in search of the right one for me.

This is MY process and MY journey. Not anyone else's. No one has my genetics or body. What will work for everyone else may not work for me. I have to discover what the answer is and cause of my weight problems and health problems.

God has been telling me that I need to stay in my own lane. Run my own race. Not to look to my right or to my left but to stay focused on the finish line and I will win the race.

So I"m doing just that. I'm not going to compare myself to anyone. I will look for inspiration but not try to be like the one who inspired me. I will just take it as encouragement that it has been done. That weight can be conquered when I find my niche.

You hit it right on girly! For me all the dieting and working out was not working until i looked deep down and understood i needed to not compare myself to others or try to measure up to them. It can when i accepted me and found my niche of running!

You CAN do it! Believe in yourself and you can achieve the unimaginable!!!

love yah girl! you know i am here for you!

[GetFitMom]

Girlfriend, you have been through alot. You can do this! Just keep asking the Lord for strength and keep posting on this forum. With that combination, you will reach your goals. Trust me, there are HUGE blessings in store for you and others who see your testimony.

[Shantony]

Thanks guys. I need the support. I'm doing better mentally. The hormones are stabilizing because I feel like I can conquer the world today.

T-Tapp has still not arrived. (thank goodness!). I've started doing Protein Power. I think this one is a better fit for me because I can eat some carbs. 30g seems like a lot when I was on practically zero.

DH is doing colonix and Protein Power with me. I am happy about that. He has left the whinning stage. I have to be nice. I've been grouchy and not giving him the support and encouragement I receive from LC Friends. He needs that for success.

Had a scarry colonix episode today and I posted it on the colonix thread. That was nasty. Like one of my worst fears. My biggest fear is that I will poop out a nest of worms.

I will be taking my last class on October 2. NOt happy about that.

[Shantony]

I've been running around the last couple of days. I haven't been journaling my food and I havent been planning my meals and I feel like I'm running amuck.

I need to tighten up so many things in my life. Time management. I need to get a schedule worked out and follow it. Make some things habits in my life.

[Shantony]

Well today was better eating wise. Didn't exercise again. Dang. I will do some tomorrow.

[Shantony]

Getting up on the exercise horse is harder than I thought. I have been exercising every other day. Better than before but not as good as I want.

Lost a pound. We'll see how it turns out. This is 'Woosh Week". Let's see if I"ve been too naughty and ate too many carbs this week.

I love LaTortilla Factory Whole Wheat Low Carb Tortillas. I love them. They seem so healthy. Cholesterol free, No saturated fat, No added sugar, No Aluminum type baking powder, No Hydrongenated Oils, Soy Flour and No Dairy! 11g carbs, 8g fiber, 12g protein, 2g fat and 50 calories per tortilla. I love Protein Power!!!!!!

Gotta exercise more. Got to. My face is looking slimmer. I am going to be so HOT! I can't stop looking at my face. I went out and bought some new hair and color contacts. Got my nails done and no one hardly recognized me.

DH says it's like his wife and then he now has a new girlfriend.

[GetFitMom]

Originally Posted by Shantony

I went out and bought some new hair and color contacts. Got my nails done and no one hardly recognized me.

YOU GO GIRL!!!

[Amany]

Hi Shantony.

Just caught up on your journal. How brave of your to share your story. And even more brave to claim your life despite all that you've been through. You're admirable.

Keep up the good work. I'll be reading!

[Shantony]

Thanks for taking an interest. I'm hoping it'll be an inspiration to those who lose slowly and are about to go insane because of it.

Today I did not T-Tapp AGAIN. This is ridiculous!!! Why did I buy the darn thing if I'm not going to use it regular. There is no true excuse. It's 15 MINUTES!!!!!!! Why can't I find 15 MINUTES??? I have like 20 exercise videos.

This is a pattern. I am definitely seeing a trend. Recognize exercise need ~hear about great program ~save up and buy said program ~ do it once or twice and then let it meld into the bookshelf.

I refuse. This is my LAST video. I am going to make myself do it. I can't get over 15 minutes and no impact. I have no excuse.

As a health educator I know that I have to find a time to do it. A time that is comfortable and convenient. I have never been good at exercising early in the morning or after 6 pm. Maybe I should do it at 3:30 as soon as I get home from work. Sounds like a plan.

[Amany]

Shay you can do it.

I read that it takes 21 days to form a habit. It's from that book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. If you can commit yourself to exercise for just three weeks, regardless of how you feel (unless you're ill), you will have formed a new exercise habit. I know it's hard at first, but just dig in. You have to start somewhere.

[Luvmykidz]

Hi, Shay, just dropping in to encourage you. And congratulate you on your new stats!

You absolutely can do the t-tapp! It is frustrating at first, I know. But if you stick with it and do it once a day for a week it gets easier. And you will see results if you continue.

Make a commitment to yourself. 15 minutes, once a day and you should be able to measure results in a month.

[angtonio1]

Girl,

you CAN do IT! Believe in YOURSELF and you CAN achieve the unimaginable.

Take it one day at a time. Its all within your reach.

[Shantony]

I don't feel good today. I ate after one of the kids and now I have a cold and they don't. I detest Kindergarten and first grade Cooties. They are toxic to anyone over the age of 25.

[Luvmykidz]

Sorry your not feeling well, Shay.

[Shantony]

I'm wrastling with this cold. Sneezing and coughing with plugged ears. Lethargy and slow bowels. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

[Shantony]

Cream and Cream Cheese are the devil. I am convinced of it.

It's like my Crack or something. Why can't I put the crack down?

White ring around my mouth. That ooky feeling after eating too much of it.

Take away cream and cream products and what's left?

Probably a whole heck of a lot but tell a crackhead you are taking away his pipe and see if he don't get nervous.

Uh.......yeah.

[Luvmykidz]

Chees and cream cheese seems to stall me if I eat very much of it. But I can use modest amounts of cream in hot tea. I like it sweet and creamy as an after dinner 'dessert'.

Maybe cheese does not agree with you. Do you think you could do without for a couple of days and see how you feel?

[Amany]

Cream cheese and too much cheese stalls me too. I stay away from the cream cheese and limit my cheese to about 2oz usually. Sometimes I don't even eat cheese at all. Not for many days.

It is hard to stop eating those things, but once you "detox" you won't miss it that much.

[Shantony]

Well day #1 without cream cheese. I'm going for day two tomorrow. I ate a slice of cheese so not totally free. If I just leave the cream cheese alone I can cut back on cream, I think. One thing at a time man!

Other than that I feel happy. I'm great. Not hormonal in the least. I should be ovulating soon. Let's see if I have killed the chocomonster.

[Luvmykidz]

That is great, Shay--one thing at a time! It may be that cream cheese is the only problem, so don't feel bad about not quitting everything dairy right away.

[Shantony]

Day #2 no CC and I'm okay with it. Not craving it or anything. I have to tighten up. I ate a tiny wedge of granny smith apple today and it was sooooooo yummy. Can you imagine 4 months without fruit. I ate about 1.5 cup of Strawberries in 4 months.

I think I will stay away from fruit for a little while longer. At least till I arrive in Onederland.

[Shantony]

Okay. This is it. I"m getting tough with myself. NO more tidly winking playing games with myself.

I gotta get myself together. I need to do a three day induction and get back on my horse.

[Amany]

You can do it Shay. Don't give up.

[CrystalBlueFire]

I can relate to being called fat but not being fat. I was always full figured(5'9.5" and size 11/12) and the women in my family were short/small. Its funny/sad how most of the critcism was most often from other women.