FINALLY in control!!!

[Amany]

OK, I thought I'd just be content to read the other journals. Now I'm starting my own.

I think it's a good time. I just lost 21 pounds (So I’m now 229 pounds). I wasn’t supposed to weigh until Sept 8. I have a scale addiction now. Anyway it’s the best success I've ever had. I'm happy about that. It's just that I know it's just like me to fall off right about now... I don't mean food-wise. I mean as far as challenging myself with exercise.

I tried Atkins a year and a half ago at 235 pounds and drove myself nuts! I was obsessed about staying under 20 carbs. I actually began to fear food. It's not a good thing when you have a nightmare about eating two LifeSavers and knocking yourself out of ketosis. Or being afraid that you didn't cut your avocado exactly in half. So, after losing about 15 pounds, I left Atkins for a more "common sense" approach. And it worked. I lost maybe 5 pounds a month eating better and exercising about 2 - 3 times a week mostly. The problem was that I'd never addressed my issues. I never dealt the compulsion to overeat. So when the holidays came around last year (Labor Day through my birthday in February), I ate like I had no sense.

This year on July 10 at 250 pounds, I decided I'd had enough! My bp was high, my cholesterol was high and I felt awful all the time. There is also the issue of my wanting to have children one day. I don't want to get pregnant at 200+ pounds and worry about a higher chance of miscarriage, gestational diabetes or preeclampsya. Of course those things could happen to a fit person, but it's more likely when you're obese. So I restarted Atkins, this time determined not to obsess over it. I was doing a good job until I ate an entire box of ice cream bars on day 14.

I bought them because I thought my husband would be out for a while. I was on the last two when he walked in earlier than I thought though. While he was in another room, I put the empty box inside of a plastic bag and shoved it to the bottom of the can. So as far as he knew, I'd only eaten two bars. Now, here's the kicker: My husband has never, ever criticized me for what I eat. During the 30 or 40 pounds that I gained since we met, he's only told me how pretty and beautiful I am. So why the secrecy, I asked myself.

After really thinking about it and examining it for hours, I started to remember things. My mother had always been extremely overweight (sz 26) and my father always resented it. Two of my four older brothers and older sister had always struggled with weight as well. As a kid, I remember both parents, 2 of my brothers and my sisters constantly harassing me about what I ate. Or when I ate. Sometime around fourth grade I started hiding and eating. Just so I could have some peace. Oh, the relief I felt! Ahhh.... bliss. To be able to eat and not be harassed. The ironic thing was that I was always made to finish whatever was on my plate. Even if I was no longer hungry. So this left me with two very bad traits. I always finished what was on my plate, even when I was full. The other is the secret eating. There was a certain pleasure I derived from it. A nice feeling release. Of course, eating in secret meant I could not leave "evidence". That meant I had to eat all of what I'd snuck up to my room.

Even as an adult, at times when I'd have to move in with my parents for a couple of months, I used to sneak a pizza or ice cream sundaes upstairs to my room at the bottom of a tote bag. Then I'd eat it ALL. I couldn't leave leftover pizza in the fridge and face the criticism. I certainly couldn't throw it away once I was full either! I have lived with my husband for two years and I had been doing the same things. It's learned behavior. Learned behavior is part of your psyche and very hard to let go of. I decided to break that strong hold though. I decided to assert my own power and control over it.

I immediately went to my husband and confessed to him the way I'd been eating. How I'd get up at night, heat up the leftovers and eat while he was asleep. About how I'd buy small cheesecakes and go to the park and eat them in the car. Even though I'd be sick with a stomachache half way through it. I couldn't throw it away! Cause then I'd be throwing away my pleasure with it. And I told him how I'd eaten an entire box of ice cream bars. Not just two. You know what? He wasn't surprised. He'd noticed the disappearing leftovers. And he knew I'd gained weight, so he figured I'd gotten food from somewhere. Then that was the end of our conversation. No criticism. Just a hug and an "I love you.” Yeah, I have a good man. From that day forward, my relationship with food began to change.

If I'm eating and feel satisfied, I stop eating. I rarely eat seconds anymore because, frankly, I don't need them. I am in control of my eating. Even when I eat off plan, I'm controlling it. It's not controlling me. I've also learned to recognize that "rush". That compulsiveness that comes when I'm eating. Every now and then I feel it coming on. When it happens, I put the plate down and stop eating. I won't let that demon kill me. I won't let it stop me from living the life I want. I won't allow it pass to my children. I am in control of it, I have power over it and I say it will end with me. Right here!

So my eating has been sort of like Atkins, but not really. I had to tweak things to make it livable for myself. I don’t count carbs. I am mindful of having too much fat (esp. saturated) and too many calories. Almost 2 weeks ago, I started having 30 almonds a day whatever a cup of yogurt becomes after being drained overnight (yocheese). Last Sunday I had Mexican food. I made some bad deep-fried choices that I don’t feel bad about. I don’t feel bad because I felt in control. And I’m not on a diet. Going off skew on a diet is a tragedy. When you’ve done it one day during your lifestyle change, it’s no biggie. Now, Thursday I went to the State Fair right after work. I had a Big Classic Wendy’s burger, small fries and almost a corner of an elephant ear. I threw the rest of it away. I wanted a taste of it. Whew! Too much! So on Friday (Sept 1) I started doing the M/E fast. Today too. Tomorrow I will begin to wean off of it. By Sept 12 I’ll be back to where I was with the almonds and yogurt. It’s just something I wanted to do to get those bad carbs out and start over with a clean slate. It hasn’t been hard either. Once I started to really understand that I control what goes in my mouth, it’s no biggie. Once I get to my first goal of 190 I will slowly phase back in starchy veggies, fruit and legumes.

I started exercising the first week of August. I started it on a good, regular schedule around the second or third week, I think. It’s the exercise that I feel I really need to stay on top of. I’m not worried about the eating. My concern is that I don’t want to become complacent doing exercise that I’m “comfortable” with. I need to keep challenging myself. My goal is to run five-minute miles. There’s a long road between here and there, but I want to keep plugging away at it.

I want to be in the type of shape Laila Ali is in! (See my avatar?) Yeah, I know she has personal trainers and dieticians, but h*ll, I can try, right!!! She still has to do the work. Just as I have to do the work. Isn’t that what it comes down to anyway? Size six here I come!!! Plus I want to be a fox when I’m 70 years old. A hot granny! So my plan is to exercise. Real hard. I fear falling off because I’ve been so tired lately. Just needed some vacation days. I fear falling back into complacent exercise habits though. Just doing 40 minutes of my easy video everyday. Instead of pushing towards my goal running the way I want.

Well, that’s it for now. I will try to post here at least 5 days a week. To keep myself honest and on track. Maybe I can help some others in the process. I hope so. I have learned to appreciate the success other people have. I love a great success story.

I promise not to be so long-winded very often. I had to introduce myself though, right?

[Amany]

Fighting Fit, Fighting Fat is a great workout!! It's by Harvey Walden, the drill sargeant on Celebrity Fit Club. It's cheesy looking and he's probably nuts, but the workout is great. It has 3 circuits for three fitness levels. Beginner, intermediate and advanced. I had no problem with the beginner, barely mad it through intermediate and didn't even get around to seeing advanced! Besides Donna Richardson's Firmer Arms and Abs in 30 Days, it was the first video to challenge me in weeks.

Starting tomorrow or Monday morning, I want to start working out by running the side stairs in my building. Very early. So no one will see it and think I'm crazy!! I have to admit that I'm starting to really fall in love with exercising. It feels great!

My husband has taught me some shadow boxing moves. I found that, lo and behold, I like that too! I have this workout called Aerobx by Michael Olijade. He's a boxer. I got it earlier this week, but I haven't done it yet. I'll have to pop it in and give it a try.

Todays Menu was....

Breakfast: 3 Salmon muffins, but made only with salmon and egg.

Lunch: A little more than half a cornish hen.

Dinner: 4 deviled eggs.

Snacks: deviled eggs.

Water: Hmmm..... Probably a little more than three quarts. I really don't keep close track anymore. It's usually a lot though.

Tomorrow I will have a salad at some point. Baby spinach, cucumbers, zucchini and some sort of meat. No cheese. Truthfully I could do this m/e for another day, but I don't want to become dependent on it. The sooner I eat a more balanced diet, the better. Just kicking out the bad carbs...

[Amany]

By the way, does anyone watch Celebrity Fit Club? Angie Stone is a mess. On the one hand, people like her are the reason I love reality television. Drama! But as a person working on losing weight, she infuriates me.

There she was with all that help, yet she's busy whining and making excuses. They caught her smoking, she ate a pastrami sandwich and carrot cake, she's not exercising; but yet she has the nerve to complain and whine. No wonder her team got rid of her! She drags them down. Next week they'll find out she hasn't been taking her diabetes medication.

[YoYoGirl]

I just read your posts! You can do this! You have the right attitude and are exercising! Yeah! ---I just started Atkins on July 31st and lost 18 pounds. I have tried to exercise 5 days a week...most weeks I make that goal. The cool thing about Atkins is that if you eat clean for 3-4 days, you won't have times where you are ravenous! I'm rooting for you to keep in control and enjoy the pleasures this WOL will bring!

[Amany]

Thanks so much YoyoGirl. The support means a lot to me.
I agree. It's great to not starve, isn't it?

[indogia]

hey there amany,I am right with you,I am on atkins style eating but not calorie counting and such.
I am doing it as a vegetarian too.

I can feel your focus,motivavation and strength,I know you are gonna look and feel amazing.

the picture in your avatar,its awesome,I know you can do this


hugs and smiles

indy
xxxxxxxxx

[Butternut]

Thanks so much for your posts. Very motivating. You are doing great!

[Amany]

Thank you Indy and Butternut.

[Amany]

I'm watching the Bridezillas Marathon. I have to say that I'm surprised a lot of those weddings still take place. This one woman had her husband to be in actual boo-hoo tears. Crazy!

Well, this is my first day back from my two day m/e fast. I was going to slowly phase my way back, but I hate feeling like I'm dieting. Besides, I wanted to just get those bad carbs out. Still not going to overeat, but I'm back to the way I was before the fair last Thursday.

My menu so far:

Breakfast - deviled eggs

Lunch - Salad with baby spinach, zucchini, salmon, egg and a slice of cheese with rance

snack - 30 almonds

water - tons.

Dinner will be skinless chicken and some type of veggie.

Exercise today was 45 minutes of jogging in place and shadow boxing in intervals.
My arms still hurt like the dickens from yesterday's workout. Harvey Walden's workout dvd is fantastic.

Back later!

[Amany]

Dinner ended up being cornish hen. Half a breast without the skin and a wing.

[sheryl0423]

2 months without getting on the scale....I would go crazy....
Looks like youre doing great....KUTGW

[Amany]

Originally Posted by sheryl0423

2 months without getting on the scale....I would go crazy....
Looks like youre doing great....KUTGW

I'm not that strong. I don't have that kind of self-control! July 10 was when I started. My last time on the scale was actually on Saturday. Sept 8 is my next "official" weigh in. My last "official" one was August 25.

[Amany]

Today's menu was...

Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs and 2 turkey sausage patties

Lunch: Salad with taco meat, baby spinach, dab of low-fat sour cream, cheddar and pico degallo

Snack: 30 almonds

Dinner: chicken leg, squash and green beans.

I also ate more salad later in the evening. The name kind as before.

No exercise today, but I'll do it Tuesday - Sunday.


I survived a holiday with my family!!! I didn't have any of the "no-nos"!
I started to get kinda nervous near the end because they were starting to eat the desserts. They had two different types of fruit pies and a cheesecake. I watched my diabetic mother, diabetic brother and my sister who's always on a diet, snarf down all this sweet stuff. I gotta admit, I was tempted by the cheesecake, but I maintained my composure. Then it happened. My mom brought out the ice cream. Yeah, yeah, I'm in control, but it was time to get the hell outta there!
I told my husband, "OK. Let's go. I can smell the sugar in the air.". I'm making light of all this, but I'm actually serious. It's weird. I could literally imagine the relief I'd feel to have a couple of scoops of ice cream over that raspberry cheesecake. And I could literally feel compulsion creeping up. I felt it best to leave. My control is a lot better than it was, but I'm not 100% there yet. I'm not disappointed in myself though. Hey, it's a process. It will take time.

On the way home I was thinking about how I watched my family snarf this stuff down though. It gave me the opportunity to see what I inherited. My brother is over 400 lbs with diabetes and high blood pressure, but he was eating that stuff. My mother is diabetic, has congestive heart failure and high blood pressure and she was eating that stuff. My sister has had eating disorders for as long as I can remember her. They are not what you see in the movies, but I can remember her many times doing dangerous and crazy things to lose weight. Only to then go and binge for weeks. I'm not judging them and I don't feel the need to start preaching to them or anything. But watching them gave me an opportunity to see myself. Because I've been them.

I'm not saying that they should never have an occasional dessert. I'm not saying I won't. But it was the way they were eating that struck me. It was like they couldn't stop. Like something had just come over them and they couldn't control themselves. My husband, since meeting my family a few years ago, told me that we were all obsessed with food. Not as criticism, but it was what he'd observed. I'm starting to see that more and more clearly as time goes on. What's really interesting to me is that the sweets fest didn't begin until all the guests had left. Like they didn't want the guests to see how we really "get down". Before then they were all neatly wrapped and on the table. Wait, it get's better....

My husband and I get home and what does he do? Break out his caramel apples with peanuts. Good grief! How much is one woman supposed to stand? But I was cool. I actually wasn't even tempted even though I like those things. They smelled great, but I was cool.

All in all it was a good day and I'm proud of myself. I'm learning a lot about myself and overeating. So far, I think I'm pretty stellar.

[Amany]

I had a bit of a victory today. I was able to complete the Bellydancing Cardio Shimmy.

I'm so proud of myself because I couldn't make it past the first 10 minutes 2 months ago. I was tired out by the hops and my knees couldn't take the lunges. It's still a tad bit hard, but I'm glad it's like that. I have about four videos that are actually challenging me now that I'm going to stick to for the next month. Fighting Fit, Fighting Fat, Bellydance Cardio Shimmy, Donna Richardson's 30 Days to Firmer Arms and Abs and Pilates for Abs.

I'm going to do some other exercise today too.

My menu so far...

Breakfast: Salad with baby spinach, turkey taco meat, cheddar, pico de gallo and a spoon of sour cream. It was so good yesterday that I wanted it for breakfast.

Lunch: Two hb eggs and two turkey sausage patties.

Snack: Yocheese.

Also, yesterday I had on a pair of jeans that were tight about 7 weeks ago. Now they're really baggy. My husband said I looked like one of those guys that wears baggy pants on purpose.

[indogia]

well done on your shimmy!!I had awesome shimmy session this morning too.
u are doing wonderfully,I am so very proud of you


hugs


indy
xxxxxxxxx

[YoYoGirl]

Your experience during Labor Day with the family was interesting to read. I am proud of you for your self-control! It is soooo difficult to resist sugar when everyone else is eating it and enjoying it. I know you are a strong person. You have made and continue to make good choices that will impact your health in the long run! WTG !!!

[Amany]

Thanks Indogia and Yoyo!

I have to really work at not falling into complacency. I have to really dig in and get the exercise done. I feel myself wanting to wind down, but that's exactly what I don't need to do. I have another 80 - 100 lbs to lose! I've got muscles to develop and fat to burn!

Yesterday's menu:

Breakfast: Salad with taco meat, cheddar, pico, baby spinach and spoon of low fat sour cream. Yeah, I love this salad!

Lunch: Salad with taco meat, cheddar, pico, baby spinach and spoon of low fat sour cream. Ok, taco meat is finally gone.

Snacks : 40 almonds

Dinner: Two salmon muffins

Exercise: nada

I just completed my Leslie Sansone Walk and Jog. I'll have to exercise again when I get home from work.

[Amany]

Today's exercise: Leslie Sansone's Walk and Jog & Cardio Shimmy.

Today's Menu:
Breakfast: 2 turkey sausage patties & 2 boiled eggs
Snack: 25 - 30 almonds
Lunch: 2 salmon muffins
Snack: Yocheese (whatever is left of a cup of yogurt after it drains)
Dinner: Salad with baby spinach, seasoned chicken, a tablespoon of low fat sour cream, pico de gallo, cucumber slices, cheddar. No salad dressing!!

I have made a decision to stay off my blasted scale until I'm supposed to weigh in!!! I'm becoming way too obsessed with it. Well....
I ordered a scale that will calculate my body fat and weight. So after I get the new scale and use it, I will then stay off until Sept 22.

[indogia]

Amany,you are doing so well,you know when you excercise,muscle can weigh more as you tone,i always measure by dress size/clothes size.

you are doing so very well,u are focused and commited,I am right with you.
well done.


indy
xxxxxxxxxxx

[Amany]

I think I'm regaining some momentum. I did my Leslie Sansone Walk and Jog this morning. I'm glad I did it too. It felt so good. Especially after last night's Cardio Shimmy. So this afternoon I think I will do Harvey Walden's workout. It's an amazing all around workout. I love it.

Ok, no more salad dressing for me! For all the calories and fat in salad dressing I could have a turkey burger!!! Or some almonds! Lately I have been seasoning my meat, adding a tablespoon of low fat sour cream (20 calories and 1.5 fat grams) and some pico or salsa. No need for the dressing.

Also, even though I have that brand new scale on the way, I'm going to stay off of it until 9/22. I don't need to have it driving me crazy. The dang thing is supposed to be a tool. Not an addiction!!!

I want to get an IPod or MP3 player soon. It's one of the tools I'm going to need to practice my running! Jogging? Trotting? Who knows? But I really want to start working toward my five minute mile goal soon. It may take a while, but I'll get there!

[Amany]

Forgot that I have to weigh every Friday for a weight loss challenge I'm a part of. Ok, so I'll weigh every Friday. But no more!!!

[bre_73]

Hi Amany,

What a great read! I have enjoying reading your entries thus far. I love the way that you are communicating what you feel and all of the self discovery you are experiencing. Your thought process reminds me of myself when I starting seeing things differently. You have talked about so many things thus far that were, without a doubt, the keys to success for me. You are definitely on the right track with the gaining self-awareness while you are working on your goal.

Your holiday experience sounds exactly like my family. They claimed they don't eat a lot of food but they are literally snarfing down a barrel of food.

Congrats on your success thus far and your continued success during your journey.

[summergirl]

Amany, you are doing awesome!! I gave up daily weighing just the other day as well, I figure 1 time a week is plenty to let me know if I am on the right track.

Great job on the exercising, I dont now if you measure too but thats a great back up tool when the scale is being pissy!!

Keep up the great work and happy friday!

[Amany]

Bre and Summergirl, thank you so much!!!
I can't tell how cleansing and enlightening this whole journaling thing is. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Yes, I am measuring now. I just started earlier this week. I have to do it for a challenge I'm taking part in on another board. I'm glad of it too. If the scale was all I had to rely on, I think I'd that up "that" creek!

Have a great weekend!