Averyjenn's Journal Part Deux - Goal Bound!

[averyjenn]

Part I of my journal is here: Averyjenn's journey

I've decided to start a new journal. Part I was all about my losing weight in the hopes that it would help with my miscarriages. Sadly, it did not and I had my 5th loss in May, 2006. At this stage, after being told we probably cannot conceive a chromosomally healthy biological child and/or carry one to term (I have several issues), we are probably not having children. That has been a very sad thing to come to terms with.

On one hand, I'm very thankful for the whole ttc thing to be over with. Not being able to plan anything for more than a few months out because you never know, I "could" be pg, or when I was pg, the stress and anxiety, the shots, the pills, everything being timed and scheduled, the bloodwork and tests, being super high risk and not being able to do anything, it's all over, those 5 1/2 years of my life are done and I'm glad. I'm also very thankful that my dh and I made it through losing 5 babies and are only stronger for that. I'm also blessed to have the best husband who ever existed. He is my best friend and my life. I'd rather have him than have a crappy marriage WITH a child.

On the other, we'll never have a child that looks like us or acts like us. I won't be able to bake cupcakes for classmates, help with homework or plan birthday parties. There'll be no T-ball practice or soccer games or dance classes to watch and cheer my child on. No graduations or weddings or other things to be the proud parent for. It sucks.

Life is life, ain't it? It isn't fair and that's a valuable lesson to learn. We cannot choose in which family we are born or what cards are dealt to us along the path. This is my thing, everyone has one. I cannot have children and coming to terms with that has been hard. And yes, we looked at adoption but have decided it's just not for us.

BUT...this is not what this journal is about. It's about moving on, trudging through and choosing to cut a new path (and getting to GOAL!). I can either be miserable and stuck with what I've been given or make lemons out of lemonade.

I really like lemonade, sugar free of course!

[averyjenn]

Okay so day 1 of my new Journal. I'm doing m/e since I was on vacation last week and ate some more carby things - like breaded stuff like chicken that I shouldn't have. What I really need to do is get off my butt and exercise at least 5 days/week. I really want to make that just a part of my life, like this WOL is the way I eat and now every day I make time to exercise. That is a hard thing for me. The eating is all just the way it is for me and I don't have a problem, but exercise is TOUGH. I enjoy Callanetics and walking/running on the TM and would like to incorporate weight lifting. I would love to have a personal trainer come and just say "Okay, it's Monday so on Monday you do X,Y,Z" etc. I can make this happen but haven't yet. Once I get some $$ I will do it! A friend of mine's husband is a personal trainer and will come to our house.

Okay so food for today:
B: Scrambled eggs
L: Ham steak with cinnamon and splenda
D: probably salmon with butter and lemon juice.

Tomorrow will be similar and I may add veggies on Friday. This will kick me back into ketosis - quick!!!

[flutterbyu]

Jenn, as you already know, you are my rock, my inspiration, and my friend in this journey. I want to see you reach those goals! You are the strongest person I know for what you've gone through, and you have the BEST attitude. You deserve every happiness in the world and I'm glad I'm along for the ride with you!!

[averyjenn]

You know I love ya girl! Thanks so much.

[razberry]

Hi AveryJenn. I don't know how, but somehow I missed your journal all these years. I'm much older than you, but have also been TTC for almost four years, one official miscarriage at 11-12 weeks. I have PCOS, on Glucophage, but now I'm 44 and we've been given the donor egg speech more times than I can count. Financially, it's an impossibilty for us, so I'm trying to come to terms with being without bio children (have two wonderful step-children). Anyway, I followed your journal a bit and came to your new one. Can't say it's nice to find a fellow Lowcarber with my issues, but it surely does feel less alone.

[WATCH-ME-SHRINK]

Hi, Jenn.

Haven't seen you post in a while, and was pleased to see you start this new "page" in your life. I'm so sorry for the losses and disappointments that you've had to endure.

I pray that you'll find strength in your friends and family, and that you can find a source of peace and the courage to focus on other areas of life that will reward you with a sense of purpose that we all long for and hope to find.

You are loved here on these boards, and we wish you health, success and much happiness in the days ahead of you.

Congrats on those hours of Super C.....don't be a stranger on the challenge.

Blessings and hugs to you.

[Roslyn1316]

Hi Jenn We too can not have children and what you said about the cupcakes and classes brought tears running down my face. I understand !!!! I deal with it each day some are good some are bad . I am also in the same boat as you when it comes to exercise I hate it I have got to start making time for it ..... Its my new goal

[averyjenn]

Hey Raz! Good to see you. I guess our PCOS board went belly up, huh? I think maybe if we put it in the women's section it will grow better. Having it under challenges makes it just be stuck. I'm going to give you a link...do you ever follow inciid.org? It's the support group I've been on for 4 years. They are giving away free IVF cycles, you just have to pay for the meds. I know people who have done the free cycles. It's worth looking into I think: http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=&id=239 See what you think. IVF with PGD is the only possibility for us but I don't feel like throwing away $15,000-18,000 for something that may not work. Seems silly.

Twyla my friend!! How many Super C hours? Holy crap! That's freaking amazing. As soon as freaking TOM leaves me, I'll be back at it. This endometriosis is killing me and I have no energy to do anything for the next few days... I have been on the challenge but my goodness it's hard to keep up! There's just too many posts! All us Callan converts!

Roslyn...you know how I feel too, huh? It's sad. Would you consider adoption or is that not right for you? Dh and I have talked long and hard about it and we both have our reservations for many reasons. I bought the good "Sweet Grapes, Life After Infertility" or close to that title, I know Sweet Grapes is the beginning of it. It's written for those of us for whom bio children are impossible and it's about what to do next. The authors chose to live child-free (the new pc term ) and the book is slanted toward that way. So it's about taking your life back after infertility. It's a great strong book. I highly recommend it.

Okay so yesterday went well, day 1 of m/e. Today is the day I feel like garbage on it and it's oh so true. Something about a day of just meat makes me sit on the potty the entire next day, don't know why! TMI of course!

Today, if I can get over the nausea I feel at the THOUGHT of food I'll eat:

B: scrambled eggs
L: 2 cheddar wurst links with lc ketchup
D: chicken wings

I may add veggies back in tomorrow. It doesn't take long for ketosis to set back in. I may just do eggs for B tomorrow and have a salad at lunch. Blech, I already feel so crappy on it but it works to kick it back on like Donkey Kong. Okay enough sillyness!!

Haven't gotten on the scale so I don't know where I started from. I may wait a week to get on it. I know I gained some with TOM and I never look at the scale this week because I don't want to get depressed so I'll wait until he is safely gone before I do!

[flutterbyu]

Morning dear! Glad day 1 of M/E is over for ya, it's half the battle ya know You'll be back to feeling that great energy and no hunger! Woo hoo!

I did put my hat into the Labor day challenge. I wont be around Monday to post on it, so I'll have to jump in on Tues. Sure seems like a huge group though...I have positive and negative feelings about that, since when groups get so big it's hard to do much personal-wise. And, I love to do that. So, we'll see. If nothing else, it'll be one huge support group

I read your lunch and my mouth started watering I haven't had one in a while and they are my most favorite things on earth So, get over that nausea and at least enjoy one for me

[flutterbyu]

Oh, and I hope Ernesto doesn't wreak too much havoc on you either! I heard something like a crazy 8" you guys are supposed to get! We aren't supposed to get nearly that much, but we're supposed to get the leftovers on Sunday and Monday with some rain.

[averyjenn]

LOL You crack me up. And yes that challenge is huge but trust me, it will shrink after the first week considerably. It always works that way. I started that one challenge back in the winter and we had about 30 start and only 10 or less stay. So I think I'll start and see how it sticks after a week or two.

[averyjenn]

Originally Posted by flutterbyu

Oh, and I hope Ernesto doesn't wreak too much havoc on you either! I heard something like a crazy 8" you guys are supposed to get! We aren't supposed to get nearly that much, but we're supposed to get the leftovers on Sunday and Monday with some rain.

Yup 8" here. Lovely. My pool will be overflowing. I'm backwashing it right now to drain some water off. My chemicals will be so messed up!!

[randtbrown]

Just popping in for extra support.

[kmf1028]

Jenn, WTG on getting back into the groove....you have accomplished so much already that I know you will have no trouble getting back into it all....

I hope the nausea goes away and you feel better.

You are sounding great and I am sure glad to have you back....I need all the inspiration and pushing I can get!!!!!!!! So please push!!!!!

[WATCH-ME-SHRINK]

Originally Posted by averyjenn

.............it's about taking your life back after infertility. It's a great strong book. I highly recommend it.

Well said.

Great perspective.

Go for it, Jenn.

[Roslyn1316]

Thanks for the letting me know about the book . Adoption is a thought that is always in the back of our heads but we don't have alot of money and it can get costly I am 37 and we have always said we will do something before 40 so we are still open maybe someday I think you really need healing time to face the fact its not happing then think of moving on . I will check the book out

[lowcarbette]

Hi Jenn, and to you. Here's to a bright future for you and that terrific hubby of yours! Look out GOAL, here she comes!

[averyjenn]

Hey Roslyn, yes I agree completely - you need time to heal the loss of your fertility. It's such a hard thing. This book helps that, it's really neat the way the authors chose to look at life after infertility whether you adopted or decided to live child-free. Did I mention I only found it at Amazon? It's not at any local Barnes & Noble or Borders unfortunately.

Leslie!! Thanks for popping in!! Always great to see you!

Well I did 2 days of m/e and am definitely back in ketosis so I decided to stop. I did great with my eating yesterday but I tend to eat all processed crap when I do m/e and I wanna get away from that.

Today's menu:
B: 2 egg crepes with farmer's cheese - delish!
L and D: Not sure, but picking up something when I go out, which is now. Gotta hit the grocery store and run some errands. Probably a chicken salad for lunch or maybe tuna salad, yummy yeah tuna salad over lettuce and then maybe some chicken wings for dinner. Not terribly hungry in ketosis.

TOM is almost gone and my innards are feeling so much better - darn endometriosis!!! Have a great Friday!! Oh and Janelle and Will - Final 2 (I hope!) for all you BB7 fans!

[flutterbyu]

Jenn, glad the innards are feeing better!

Your breakfast sounds divine!!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

[godsbeloved79]

Just stopping by to say hello Jenn!

[flutterbyu]

[kmf1028]

Morning

[flutterbyu]

Oh, and what about that challenge you were going to join with me....

[Mackenzie]

Where's Averyjenn? I haven't seen her post on her journal!

[kmf1028]

How are you doing? Just checking in

[averyjenn]

Sorry...my grandmother died somewhat unexpectedly and I flew to PA for the funeral. Just got back into town a half hour ago and trying to catch up. It's been a wickedly emotional few days. I'm exhausted...

[kmf1028]

Oh Man, I am so sorry