Keeping the fire alive!!!

[summergirl]

Gotta keep the fire alive!!

I have it now and I am holding on for dear life!!!

There, that was my goal for the day-start journal, tomorrow I may actually journal

[summergirl]

Todays weight 163

Auntie Flo is a few days late, just want to get that part of the month over with already.

Did fantastic on plan yetserday, scaresdale...no wine (yay for me) no exercise though...but had to take all 3 of my girls to the doctors for bad poison oak, a trip to the pharmacy for their meds and the grocery store and the some lovely family drama all on top of PMS....so I dont feel too bad about taking a day off.

On my second cup of joe, getting ready for a phone appt here in few....

[summergirl]

Okay, day is going well.

Girls are starting to get some relief from the meds, Thank Goodness!! Went and did some more back to school shopping, my oldest is going into junior high this year and is so excited. She is especially is excited to be going to a non-uniform school this year, the younger two are so jealous.

Had my sub-lunch 1 small pear and peach w/the cottage cheese and nuts. I never get sick of that combo. Even before scaresdale it was one of favs.

Need to get my exercise in today,hmmm maybe when the kids are at soccer practice I can get a workout in. Once the kids go back to school I am on a better routine so that will be nice here in a week and a half.

Okay, there are my afternoon babblings.

[summergirl]

Okay time for ramblings about why I am here, and how I got to this point....

Thinking that just letting the random thoughts loose will help me figure myself out, so here it goes...

yup, this is probably going to be long.

Lets see, how far do I need to go back? Flash back november 98 I was 9 months pregnant with my 3rd daughter in less than 4 years. I had one of my final prenatal appt. and weighed in a whopping 240 pounds, crazy enough I was not scared by the number, I was young and certainly the pounds would all just dissappear, right?

After a long and hard labor(again) I gave birth to a beautiful little girl weighing only 10lb 8oz and 23 inches-ouch.
Life was good, me and hubby were very happy our young family was now perfect and complete.

I was very anemic and tired the first month after her birth and I was terrified of the scale..I finally braved the weigh in one month after her birth after my mom talked me into it.
She asked, how bad could it be its been a month?

I had a quick word with God on the way to the bathroom scale, please God I asked, please let me see the 100's, even 199.9, pretty please.
Well, I was still 215 and IT SHOCKED THE CRAP OUTTA ME.

I was 23, only 4 years earlier I graduated from high school at 118 pounds.

What the hell happened to me? Where did "she" go?

The fire hit me fast and furious, I was MAD. Mad at letting myself go, mad that I felt old and heavy, mad at all the damage my body had been thru in only a few years.

That was it for me, it clicked or whatever you want to call it, I was done right there and then.

And I did it, by the time my youngest was 9 months old I weighed 125 pounds and felt FANTASTIC. It wasnt just about the size 6 jeans that I loved, or the fact that my DH could now carry me to bed when I fell asleep on the couch, it was about how I FELT.

My self confindence soared, I was outgoing, happy, playful, full of life for my 3 girls.
When I am truly happy it shows on the outside and I spent the next about 5 years maintaining that weight within 10 pounds.

I had the normal fluctuations, around the holidays I would put on 10 pounds of sugar cookie and egg nog weight, but my the end of January I would be back to my fighting weight .
My life was not consumed by my weight back then, I ate good, I exercised hard, I LOVED to go shopping for myself.
I felt so good in fact that when I would here of someone who had lost a lot of weight only to regain it, I was baffled?? Why?? How??
I had been fat and I had been thin, this side is way better-nowayinhell I am ever, ever goiing to the other side.


How things went bad...

May 03 something terrible happened, my Dad who was only 47 years old was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
My entire world changed that very day.
Thru the next 12 months of his battle (surgeries,chemo,radiation)I began to develop some bad habits.
I started to drink nightly, I had a few beers each night to help me sleep, to relax my overwhelming fears of what my Dad will be faced with the next day.

I still managed to maintain my weight thru that year, but just 12 months after his 1st diagnosis he was now diagnosed with a second cancer and would need to be hospitilized for 30-60 days of hardcore chemo.

I gave up my fight with eating well and moderating the alcohol that month. He ended up dying in the hospital during treatment at the age of 48.

Its been 2 years this past june since he died and I am finally ready to claim my life back.

I weighed 131 pounds when he was hospitalized the last time and on july 24th of this year I started my last "diet" at 172 pounds.
I cant keep doing this to myself.

I cleared my closet of all the 12's and 14's that fit me right now and folded them up nicely and put them on top of my dresser. They are no longer welcome inside my closet or drawers.
I pulled down all of my old totes of clothes sized 6-10....did I really used to be this small? These jeans look like my 11 year could wear them, lol.

I filled my closet with all of my size 10's, so everyday when I open that closet door I can see what is waiting for me.

And the second, and I mean the second I can squeeze my butt into one of those size 10's all these bigger clothes are outta here for good!!
Straight to goodwill for them.

So there it is I am ready to feel good again. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am ready to be a happy wife and mom to the most important people in my life again.

[summergirl]

Exercise goals for the next week and a half(until kids are back in school)

M-W-F 6 mile powerwalk 1 toning/weights session per week

Lets just keep it basic, I am really busy getting the kids ready for school and the house is a chaotic mess.

[summergirl]

Weighed in today at 164, but didnt bother to take the jammies off like I usually do...

PMS was mean to me last night, she made me cry once and then made my belly look nice and puffy. I could have used a nice strong rum and diet to realx with last night-but I didnt do it.

I did have some yogurt w/pb mixed in...much better than the normal beer/pizza fare that comes with PMSing.

Decided to keep myself honest I would report my menu each day...

Yesterday

B-dry toast 10 green grapes

L-sub lunch (scaresdale)

D-1 med chk breast on top 2 cups mixed greens, 2tbs FFranch

S-nearly 2 cups NF yogurt and some PB yum.

[Amany]

Hi Summergirl.

Congrats on the weight loss. What a fantastic job! You'll be in those clothes in no time. I have some 18w that are too tight, but I am able to at least zip up for the first time in many months. I felt so motivated that I went out and bought myself four pairs of pants.
These pants were all 18 reg and 16w (basically the same size). While going to hang these pants up I decided to pull out every 18 and 16 (even the 16 regs) and hang them up too. I made myself a promise that by mid October I would be wearing them. Comfortably. I'll be tossing all my 20s very soon. I may even burn them!

Good luck to you. I'll be reading your journal.

[summergirl]

Thank you so much for the visit Amany!

Yes looking at the lowersized clothes is so motivating,I even have 3 outfits hanging on the outside of my closet so I see them EVERYTIME I walk into my bedroom.
And I may just burn all of my bigger clothes as well!!

Great job losing, 14 pounds since last month? Thats fantastic.

May I ask what Atkins "esque" means in your profile??

[summergirl]

Went and reread a bunch of old fitday entries, trying to find trends of eating during gains and losses.

Spent a looong time doing that, like I have nothing better to do,LOL.

I am having a horrible time with flip flopping plans, nearly hourly I will doubt my "plan".

I continue picking very restrictive plans, only to feel completely deprived by the end of day 2 and then binge myself into a carb and beer induced coma.
Then the weight that I have lost the week before is back, I am having a horrible time with this cycle.
I think I really need to give up the fantasy that I will be losing all of this weight in a ridiculously short time.

The binging has to stop, I am flabbier and wear a bigger size than last year at nearly the same weight, even with exercise 5X a week thru the year. My body fat % has to be way up there.

Going back thru my fitdays, I noticed when I was going to WW I was actually able to stick with it for 8 weeks...and lost 14 pounds...

the reason I stop going???

I felt like the weight was coming off too slowly and I wanted to accelerate my loss for some upcoming vacations, and now I have gained it all back.

I think I need to stick to counting my points while sticking to healthy foods, lean proteins, veggies, good fats... and if I feel the need for something not particulary healthy I have points to fall back on.

I just need to find something I can live with, something that I can do in a restraunt, another persons home, something I can do if we are low on groceries and I dont want to go to the store.
Something that wont leave me feeling deprived.

Sigh, those are my thoughts tonight.
tired of obsessing over obsessing.

[summergirl]

Finally another loss!!

Todays weight 160

Patience!!

[summergirl]

Life is not about finding yourself, its about creating yourself.

I love that quote.


I really need to take a deep breath, I feel like the weight is coming off at a snails pace and here I just realized I have lost 12 pounds and it hasnt even been 4 weeks yet.

I need to keep patient if I am doing this for the long haul, to get back to goal I need to slow down, work my plan and have faith and everything will fall into place.

Must have my head in the right place, today is friday and I will not go crazy this weekend, I will enjoy my weekend and stay true to plan!!

I really want to retake my measurements, but with TOM threatning I dont know if thats such a hot idea.

[Amany]

Hi Summergirl.

I did Atkins last year and completely lost my mind about 6 - 8 weeks into it. I was so obsessed with not going over my carb limit that I was having nightmares. One night I dreamed that I had eaten two Lifesavers and knocked myself out of ketosis. Then there was the day that I was stressed out because I wasn't sure if I'd cut my avocado exactly in half. It was all just really wearing on me. To my husband's relief, I gave it up. He was tired of watching me behave like a maniac.

This time, I'm tweaking Atkins and making it stress free. I did a strict induction for the first week. After that, I stopped counting carbs (although I'm mindful of them). I decided to eat the way I plan to eat for the rest of my life. I don't count calories or fat grams but, like carbs, I'm mindful of them. So I'll do things like take the skin of chicken, limit my cheese consumption, avoid cream cheese and low carb sweets (for now), limit my beef consumption and I use Pam instead of oil or margerine. Plus, unless I'm very hungry, I don't snack. No "seconds" either. When I'm eating a meal I have learned to stop and ask myself if I'm still hungry. I finally learned, about 2 weeks ago, to stop eating when I'm satisfied.

The only difference between the way I eat now and the way I plan to eat for the rest of my life is that, for now, I'm not eating nuts, fruit, legumes, long grain rice or starchy veggies. The result is that I will not lose as fast as someone during pure Atkins. But this is so much easier for me to live with. I'm not stressed out and I manage it very well. Plus I almost never have a craving. In fact, I don't think I've had one in 3 weeks and that's only because I was in a grocery store at dinner time.

So that is what I mean by "Atkinsesque".

[summergirl]

Amany sounds like the perfect plan for you! I have always been a bit of a 'rebel' when it comes to dieting. I have a hard time on the weekends especially when trying to follow a plan perfectly. It would drive my DH nuts too, cant eat here, cant go there and eventually I would crash and burn.

7 years ago when I lost nearly 100 pounds the 'plan' I was following was my own, it was pure and simple common sense and what worked for my body. Thats what I have decided to go back to and since I made that choice I feel a little lighter and free-er (is that a word) ya know.

Losing slower is a choice, but its better than the crazy yo-yoing I have been doing the last 2 years!

[summergirl]

Did not weigh this morning.

2nd day of TOM and I dont need to see the water gain if there is one...did FANTASTIC yesterday, stuck to my plan AND still enjoyed a friday night. So proud of me!

Today is my dad birthday, he has been gone for 2 years now but this day still sucks donkey balls everytime it comes around. I miss him so much, ughh.
We have family from out of state visiting today, I normally like to be alone on these dates but maybe having some fun would not be such a bad thing.
Mopeing around the house and crying into a beer all day is what I usually do, we will see.

[summergirl]

Went to the cemetary, wished my dad a happy 51st birthday, the girls put some flowers in his vase.God do I miss him...

The weather is beautiful today, I would be off taking a nice long walk by myself, but I am getting ready for compnay that should be here any time.

I will get a good workout in tomorrow, no tme today.

[summergirl]

Didnt weigh in this morning as its TOM.

Glad the weekend is over, ready to kick some butt this week. Thursday will be 1 month back in the groove, so I will be taking my 1 month weight and measurements and posting them here on friday, should keep me on the straight and narrow this week!

I have an important 'event' that I am supposed to attend w/ dh tonight and I got out of it. I have told other people that we do not have a sitter for the night, but that is not the truth as I didnt put harly any effort into finding one.

I simply cannot show my face at this event, bigger than last time...there will be a ton of people there and I just cant do it.
Its so pathetic how I have let myself go and now am missing out on important things because of it.

I have swore to myself this will be the last thing that I miss becasue of my size.
My body and mind are so connected, for if I am truly happy mentally it shows on the outside, I am thin, healthy, outgoing, and HAPPY. Sadly the oppisite is true too, my depression goes hand in hand with my weight.
What comes first the depression or the weight gain?? They are both on the way out though, for that I am certain.

2nd weekend in a row sticking to my plan, down 12 pounds less than a month!!

The next big deal for me will be breaking into the 140's which I have not seen since we moved into this house a year and a half ago! That will be huge for me, only 11 pounds away. I know once I break into the 140's I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

1 more week of summer vacation, need to enjoy it!!

[summergirl]

45 minutes of hardcore, dripping sweat dance/jogging exercise this morning.

Forgot how much I love to workout hard...I have been focusing on powerwalking for the last year. I really think this changeup will be good for me. Man every part of me shakes and wiggles when I am dancing like a miniac.
M-F at least 45 minutes of good intense cardio.

I have just under 7 weeks until my next vacation...I am determined to be wearing a nice loose size 10 by then at the very least. My last vacation in July I was wearing a tight 12, comfy 14.
These 12's and 14's must go and soon!

Had NF yogurt with stevia around noon, planning a huge salad with chicken around 3 and depending how hungry I am tonight it will either be more yogurt or another huge salad.

Halfway thru TOM, hopeing for a huge whoosh by the time friday comes and I weigh and measure.

thats it for now-----------

[summergirl]

Did awesome yesterday again, I am really getting into the groove now.
Weighed 161 this morning, so 1 pound over fridays weight but I blame that all on TOM.

Hopeing for a weight in the 150's by friday when I take official measurements.

I tried on 1 pair of my size 10 jenas I have hanging in my bedroom yesterday. They actually look alright on the thigh area, its the love handles hanging over and this ass that keeps me from wearing them in public. But it was a positive experiece none the less, I am thinking about 10 pounds and I could wear these out.
These used to be my favorite comfy, baggy, TOM jeans...how the times have changed huh. Oh well baby steps, I am doing everything I can right now so its up to my body to release the fat.

RELEASE THE FAT!!!

I am sore from yesterdays exercise, proving that I did need to up the intensity of my workouts.

[summergirl]

Just did my 30 minutes of crazy dancing followed by 2 mile powerwalk.
Feeling nice and angry during my workout which makes it that more powerful, cant believe how far I let this weight gain get out of control but at least I am doing something before I got back to 200 pounds.

On a roll, feeling good and motivated-WOOHOO!!

[kmf1028]

Congrats on what you have accomplished so far!!!!

So sorry about your dad

Wishing you success and much more....

[summergirl]

Hi Kathy!!

Thanks for the well wishes and best of luck to you as well!

[summergirl]

Groan...okay last night at the kids soccer practice, I was freezing, not just cold but like you are so cold it hurts and I was exhausted by the timewe got home.

Sure enough this morning I am certain that I am getting sick, blah. Freezing cold with chills and a bad sore throat.Its going to take more than the flu to knock me off course though!

Sipping on some hot tea and thinking about grabbing a nap here soon. Lots to do this week to get the kids ready for school but I think it can wait another day.

I was really hopeing to be wearing a size 10 by the time the kids went back to school but its just not going to happen, thats okay though, only looking forward right, no looking back. Just got to keep on keeping on.

[kmf1028]

Sorry you are not feeling well I hope you will feel better soon..... but you have the right attitude.

[summergirl]

Thanks Kathy, I hate getting sick!
Do you have a journal?

[summergirl]

Okay couldnt wait until Friday to do my one month measurements, woke up feeling good and thinner...

7/24 08/23
lbs 172 --- 160 -12lbs
arm 12--- 11 -1 inch
chest 39 --- 39 same
ribs 32 --- 31 -1 inch
waist 32.5--- 29 -3.5 inches(wow)
hipbone 38 --- 36 -2 inches
booty 43.5--- 42 -1.5 inches
thigh biggest 24--- 22.5 -1.5 inches
knee 15.5--- 15 -0.5 inch
calf 13 --- 13 same

Wow, I am really pleased only 12 pounds down and I am really melting!!!

Busy right now, more later!

[summergirl]

Hmmm I must say I have been a lot more chatty on this journal thing than I thought I would, but thats okay.
Helps get it all out. Lord knows my friends and DH do NOT need to hear about all of this and this lets me get it out, so its all good.

Having a great day on plan, despite being sick I still managed 30 minutes of dancing today. My appetite is really low, dont know if thats ketosis or the illness but I am not complaining.

Cooked up some steaks and hb eggs for when I get the snackies. Decided to try and just have a few bites when I get hungry versus 2-3 larger meals. Just trying to shake things up and get this scale moving again!
It will probably be another early night, last night I ddint even make it thru BB7, tonight there is some nyquil included for sure, my head is throbbiing and my throat is sore. I could use the extra sleep anyway and going to bed early is a good idea, need to start preparing for waking back up at 6 when the kids start school next week.

I am really excited as my motivation is where it needs to be to get this thing going. This is not going to be another 5-20 pound loss only to gain it back as I ahve been doing the last 2 plus years, enough is enough.

The pity party has officially ended and that was very important. Nobody can give me what I really need, I have to do this myself and feeling sorry for myself everyday is not helping.
Its time to help myself get back to ME, fun, motivated, healthy, playful, out going, mom who likes to play with her kids and wife who loves to do things w/her DH all things, wink,wink...

[summergirl]

Did another workout 2 mile powerwalk..feeling better, thinking a good nights sleep and I should be back to 100 percent.

Crossing my fingers for something in the 150's in the morning, TOM ended today and I have been a very good girl this week.

OHHHH Whoosh fairy, where the hell are you!!?? I am ready for my post TOM whoosh....