*Me Time*

[ArmyWife04]

Yes it's true I have begun many journals here and have stopped using them for one reason or another, but I am in such a low place right now that I need to have a place to figure it all out. Not neccesarily for the public aspect of it, just a place.

I have sat on the porch for the last 30 mins just crying like a baby, I am under such a huge weight and I am sinking fast.

My dd turns 6 today and this day should be about her, but I am entombed by so much extra crap that I can get to her through it all.

We are close to $10, 000 behind in bills, have lost our home, looks like the van is next, I can't get a bite on any jobs I apply for, my teenage boys are sloppy and I hardly ever see them, my 11th grade PS kid is just waiting to enlist in the Army, so he is completely avoiding his 'real' responsibilities. My dd just wants my attention all day and wants to play dressup, makeover, store-with me. We live in a very rural area and there are no kids around, our Homeschool support group has girls her age, but she is so clingy to me that she wont leave my side to play. I really think that she should go to school, but aside from me not wanting to let go, they would put her in K, I have her in 1st. Shes very bright and I fear that that would end as soon as she set foot in a class room.

And me-well lets see, I am tired,achey, depressed, and to the point that all I want to do each day is just get to bedtime. I can't handle the bill collector calls anymore, and I am so tired of trying to budget around getting caught up that I can't see straight. How can I expalin to my dd that there will be less presents for her 6th because I have to make it right with the XX company. She is not to blame for this, I blame hubby and the government. He shouldn't have been so relaxed about finding a job, and honestly, if I hear him say one more time that I am doing a great job with the money and he trusts me 100% to figure it all out I am gonna scream. Oh and the best thing in all this.....I finally, finally, after attempting for the last 8 yrs to complete my nursing degree ( having temporarily dropped out due to babies being born, my son being diagnosed with Aspergers, extensive family hospitalization, deployments) I was accepted to Nursing School, 1 of 20 in the class. I am proud, excited and completely scared to death, how can I handle it?, how in the world can I pay for it? me ebing able to work as an RN will help my family so much, but can I get there.....?

I have alot piling up on my plate and I need to get this straight, I need to be a better mom, I need to get my head around whatever WOE I decide on, I need to find a more positive attitude-somewhere, somehow, I can not succeed at anything if I am simply getting up each day just to get back to bed.

I do spend too much time online, and at this site, that will have to change very soon, I enjoy reading the sucess storries, but I am finding myslef getting more and more confused about waht course to take, I am wondering if I might need to make a choice as far as WOE that will better fit my budget and fmaily needs and then work that plan on my own and see where I end up. I really want to lose 50 pounds by christmas, my clinical rotations will begin around that time and I need to be lighter on my feet and more energetic. I really have to put this to rest, I spend so much time on what plan, the specifics, the rules, it should be second nature, I may not conitinue with strict LC, but my time spent attempting to make it work has taught me a little of what my body is capable of, so if I take those lessons and see what I can do with them in the real world, I wonder what I will accomplish?

[ArmyWife04]

So what are the basics to getting this done?

Well the biggest revelation is that I can not under any circumstances, have *alittle* of any of my trigger foods, candy, cookies, pie, cake, pastry, lil debbies, brownies, ice cream. I am getting better recognizing portion control on some of these things, but I really need to avoid them.

I do not gain eating fruit, I can have bananas, apples, grapefruit, berries and it has never affeted my losses.

I can 'afford' the wholelest of whole grains, white bread makes me stall, but properly portioned oatmeal has never been an issue with the scale.

Malitol makes me ill, I have begun to read labels to find this stuff, it is horrible on the gut.

Eggs go right thru me, it's true but I can not eat eggs anymore unless I am intend to be a few steps from the bathroom. I have tested this theory and have almost embarrased myself.

So how do I intend to lose 50 in 4?

Portion control is the biggest thing, I need to train my body to be full with less food. I think I will eat my meals from a salad plate, and take no seconds. 2/3 a plate of vegs/salad/fruit/whole grain and 1/3 protein/dairy.

Say no to junk food, eat fruit, or SF jello instead, avoid snackin on handfulls of nuts.

Stay hydrated, I know what to look for to see if I'm getting enough fluids.

Exercise-take it slow, but do something consistently, I enjoy it once I get going and it makes my aches less achey. By taking it slow, I am reducing chances for sidelining injury.

Stay positive, I have been heavy all my life, it may take time, but with consistency I can get where I want to go.

[ArmyWife04]

Well....I had 'lost' this journal in the myriad of time and trial in the last year. I had thought about starting a blog, but this may be just fine.

True to my form I didn't *do* much with what I wrote, it was out on then over. The money situation is creeping up to being livable, dh is doing what he can to put us ahead. And school is tougher than I ever imagined possible.

I had hoped to be at goal by my dd 7th birthday, I am thinking that 4 months is not enough time to lose almost 8o pounds, but I wonder what I can do.
I have developed shaky blood sugar, no doubt from all the starts and stops with major LC WOE, now I need to offer my system a tad bit of sugar so I don't dip and then get sick. If I could go back and do it all again, nothing would sway me from what was working, and I know the exact moment that it happened....Dec 24 2005....Roche' Choc. in a dish.....I had planned around the lasagna dinner, I had planned an egg dish for Christmas morning I was down to 208 and it was starting to show finally after working so hard with exercise and diet......I had yummy chocolate, then it started and I haven't been able to get control since.