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Old 07-10-2006, 08:37 PM   #1
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@-->-- :::.. take it easy ..::: --<--@

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load....
Take It easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
and take it easy
~the Eagles
[/COLOR]


This is the journal of my life. It was originally going to be titled "I hope you dance", like the country song, but I think "take it easy" is more of my motto.

Like "I hope you dance", I've started to see that I am not really living my life. It's like I'm watching the days pass, and find myself saying-- tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow. In truth, my life has become based on my weight. Everything I do or don't do is based on how I feel about my body, my weight, my willpower, and it has become quite painful. To explain how limited my life has become, I'm going to give you some background information:

I was always of normal weight throughout my childhood. When I was 15 I grew a great deal and gained about 25 pounds. I weighed 140. I was thin and athletic, but unhappy and discontent with my weight. Even when I weighed 115 pounds, I always wrote "lose 5 pounds" on my new-year's resolutions, as though I constantly needed to be better. I was, and am, a perfectionist. In a job interview, people use "perfectionist" as a fake-flaw, but I truly feel it has damaged my life and my well-being, and I wish that I was a more laid-back person. Hence, why "take it easy" is my motto.

I reached 150 pounds when I was 17, and I started dieting. Looking back, I looked completely normal at 150 pounds. Not overweight, not fat, nothing like how I imagined I looked. I experimented with Carb Addicts, Blood Type Diet, Vegetarianism. I started feeling sick and tired all the time, and was diagnosed with a thyroid problem. I started Atkins and was put on thyroid medication. I lost about 20 pounds (from 145 to 125) my senior year of high school. I ran 6 miles a day. I lifed weights. I stopped drinking alcohol. I felt and looked amazing. In fact, I may have been too thin, and I still wanted to be better.

At my high school graduation dinner I ate brown rice, as a "reward" to myself, because it is supposed to be a healthy and "normal" food. This began a 3-month long binge, and I never seemed able to stick to Atkins long enough to get into Ketosis.

Living in a dorm in college I gained 35 pounds (140 to 175). Every summer after college I would lose 10 pounds, then go back to school and gain 15-20 pounds a year. Upon graduating from college I weighed 200 pounds. For someone who thought they were fat at 140 pounds, 200 pounds has affected my life profoundly.

I don't go in public places where I know I'll run into people I haven't seen in a while. This means, I don't go to the bar with my friends, I don't grocery shop in my town, I won't go see movies at my mall's theater, I don't go to the mall down my street, I panic at the thought of going out to dinner with my family at a restaurant where I may see people. I grew up in a very judgemental and slightly affluent area outside of Chicago, and gaining weight is perhaps the worst thing you could do. Or so the gossip implies.

It is incredibly petty of me to put so much into my appearance, I *know* that there are more important things in life. I know that I am missing out on wonderful times and people. I know that I have become a person so different from who I used to be; back when I was confident and met new people and dated.

Another, perhaps ridiculous aspect of my mentality is that I have convinced myself that everything would be better if I was thin. Take the statement "If I was thin I would..." and insert any possible answer. I would make friends, I would meet incredible men, I would find a great husband, I would be able to make my parents happy, I would have more of an upper-hand in my relationships, I would be able to eat food in public, I'd be more confident to tell people that I ate low-carb, I could eat some higher carb foods and not worry about weight gain.... I could be a different, beautiful person.

There is a night and day difference between me-- the carb-addict, and me-- in ketosis and driven. Ketosis-me is more outgoing, I reach out to my friends and family, I make plans and decisions, I believe that life can and will always be getting better. Carb-addict me sleeps 12 hours a night, binge eats, won't go anywhere with my "puffy-face syndrome". I cry, I lament, I look for quick-fixes and pills and I don't leave my house. I try to find anything that can motivate me. I watch movies and eat ice-cream and I cry and reach out to people who don't understand and then I cry some more.

Then, apparently, I start internet journals-- type out my life history, and hope that this new piece of my life will prove to be a valuable tool in getting me back on track.

The ironic part is, I know exactly how to lose weight. I know what works for me. I have read so many books, spoken with doctors, researched online. Hell, I'm going to Medical School in 2 months. I just need to practice it. I need to get over the 2 day hump and get back to Ketosis-me. I've been away from ketosis for about a week, and I'm pretty sure I've gained 10-15 pounds since then. Tomorrow, my better life begins. I know that I won't be perfect, but I need to stop making excuses of why it's okay to edge farther and farther away from foods that make me feel bad. Food is fuel, and I want to eat to live, and not vice-versa. I only have one lifetime to be the best person I can possibly be, and I am sick of wasting the days, months, years, to something so controllable.

Here I go.
__________________

Now Dr. Samantha42, thanks to this website.

Last edited by Samantha42; 07-10-2006 at 08:42 PM..
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Old 07-10-2006, 09:02 PM   #2
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continued ....

Tomorrow is July 11th, 2006. I consider that my start-date. 7-11, now that's a catchy date. Makes me want a slurpee. Here is a timeline of important events in my life, I use these to set goals.

July 25 (2 weeks, 14 days, My Birthday)
August 8 (4 weeks, 28 days, 1 month goal)
September 5 (8 weeks, 56 days, First day of Classes)
September 26 (11 weeks, 77 days, Dad's Birthday)
November 28 (20 weeks, 140 days, Thanksgiving Break)
January 1 (~25 weeks, 174 days, New Year's Day)

I am weary of setting unrealisitc goals, and at the same time, I know I can lose weight very quickly and still eat a fair amount of food. Also, I know I will lose ~10 pounds of water weight the first week, and that will off-set my average. See, in my very own journal, I'm afraid of getting reemed out by people for setting seemingly absurd goals. When I say 4 pounds a week for 10 weeks, that is more like 3 pounds a week, considering the first week woosh.

I'm going to give myself a range of loss at 3-5 pounds/week. (Again, with a 10 pounds loss the first week, that is really only 2-4 pounds/week). I know this is a tough goal, but it is possible, and I am going to get into full weight-loss mode to do this. I have nothing to do the rest of the summer but pack and move at the end of August. There is no good reason why I shouldn't be able to do this.

I'll need to weigh in tomorrow to know exactly what my goals should be, but here is a basic overview, assuming I am 185 tomorrow:

170 - July 25 (2 weeks, 14 days, My Birthday)
162 - August 8 (4 weeks, 28 days, 1 month goal)
145 - September 5 (8 weeks, 56 days, First day of Classes)
140 - September 26 (11 weeks, 77 days, Dad's Birthday)
125 - November 28 (20 weeks, 140 days, Thanksgiving Break)
123 - January 1 (~25 weeks, 174 days, New Year's Day)

I plan to do a combination of M/E, KISS & water-fasting.

I should avoid as much as possible:
-nuts
-creamy dressings
-cheese
-mayo
-butter
-tomatoes and other moderately carbed up veggies
-huge salads
-artificial sweeteners
-diet soda

I should use:
-whey protein
-supplements/vitamins
-coconut oil
-fish oils
-CLA
-tea
-olive oil
-stevia
-lemons/limes


That is my plan.... weigh in tomorrow morning.

Last edited by Samantha42; 07-10-2006 at 09:04 PM..
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Old 07-11-2006, 10:29 AM   #3
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Drumroll please....

Starting weight 185.6

I am 185.6 this morning (ridicuouls) so my stats are 185.6/185.6/140 for the 3-month challenge.... and 200/185.6/140 for me in general.

Bust over-- 43 inches, under 34 inches. Yes I have a huge rack, and I am sick of needing special bras!
Waist 34 (isn't that the same as under bust?) 38 belly button
Hips 41

Upper Thigh (right) 25
Upper Arm (right) 14
Calf (right) 15

This was the first time measuring myself, so hopefully I did it correctly! I wish I did this when I first started, then maybe I would be looking at myself as a success rather than a complete failure , LOL.

Well, I'm feeling optimistic today. I could not fall asleep last night until 3am, and I slept until noon! That's carb-addict me. I had a dream that I went to Wendy's and got chicken nuggets and fries.... I don't even eat fast food. I don't even know if Wendy's HAS chicken nuggets. Why would I dream something like that?!

Today is the first day of the 3 month Challenge, and I'm hoping I stick to it better than the 50 lbs in 4 months challenge. That was a totally attainable goal, and instead I ended up higher than when I started. See, that's why it has taken me a year to lose 20 pounds.... I'm doing rollercoaster weightloss instead of serious weightloss, and the mentalities are very different.
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Old 07-11-2006, 01:08 PM   #4
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Oh my gosh girl, remember when you first posted in my journal and you told me you could have written my words?? Yep, I feel the same about your journal. We are VERY alike! You are going to succeed!!! I am going to make sure of it!!!
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Old 07-11-2006, 05:22 PM   #5
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Aww thanks Kate! I needed that right now


Today was an okay day for me food-wise. A good transition day, but not a good everyday eating type of day. I had a Portillo's chicken pecan salad, and lots of raw almonds. No cheese on the salad, with the house dressing. Only about 4 cups of water, but 2 La Croix, so hopefully enough fluids. Nothing after 7pm. Nothing refined, the the dressing had some sugar in it.

I spent the day trying to get my car fixed.... never made it to the gym, though if I really wanted to workout, I would have. I find it very difficult to motivate myself to workout when I'm not in ketosis. Come to think of it, I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything when I'm not in ketosis.

mini-Goal #1: to be in Ketosis by Thursday night. That's 48 hours from now.
mini-Goal #2: to weigh 170 or 175 by my birthday, I'll decide which of the 2 based on how much I lose this week.
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Old 07-11-2006, 06:20 PM   #6
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Samantha, I could have written your journal (at least a good part of it) except that my youngest child is probably older than you! You CAN do this and you MUST do this....don't waste anymore of your beautiful young life! If really rapid weight loss is important to you, go to the thread Other Diets and read Kimmer's stuff ...it's so detailed and so well explained that I'm sure your scientific mind will be totally inspired!
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Old 07-11-2006, 07:12 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by GRAN4
Samantha, I could have written your journal (at least a good part of it) except that my youngest child is probably older than you! You CAN do this and you MUST do this....don't waste anymore of your beautiful young life! If really rapid weight loss is important to you, go to the thread Other Diets and read Kimmer's stuff ...it's so detailed and so well explained that I'm sure your scientific mind will be totally inspired!

And just how old is your youngest child?? I'm 23. It's good to hear that I'm not the only person who has become so confined by their weight. I don't know why, but that just comforts me somehow. I wrote this journal mainly for myself, but as I've started getting responses and feedback, I realize how much I appreciate it.

I'll definitely look into *******... I like her low-cal idea, but I think I may keep my fat ratio higher.

I know that WE can do this... it's a matter of willpower, planning and optimism. Thanks again for your reply!
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Old 07-11-2006, 08:28 PM   #8
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I'm sitting here reading all these threads.... I probably click on "user control panel" every 3 minutes to see if there are any new posts....

but

If I spent as much time working out as I do on lowcarbfriends, surely I'd be buff by now <---- That guy kinda looks like he's about to lift some dumbbells but decides not to. Kinda like me, in bed, right now.

Goodnight.
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Old 07-12-2006, 12:18 PM   #9
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Hey Samantha you're 5 years younger than my youngest! I'm even older than I thought! You have such a bright future ahead of you...you deserve to succeed at this and you WILL!
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Old 07-12-2006, 06:18 PM   #10
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:blush: LOL Gran... you are too funny.



Weight today: 184. Down 1.6 lbs, and I really didn't eat all that well yesterday.

Today, portillo's chix pecan salad (yes, again). Added some fake crab, peas, cucumber. No cheese. Did have a couple small containers of no-sugar added Tapioca. A new thing to try. Now that I am unaddicted to carbs I'm going to start getting more serious about this. Gym tomorrow. No more than 20g of carbs tomorrow. Really hope I'm in ketosis by tomorrow night, but I'm sure my carbs today were in the 60g range. I've heard that lifting weights can get you in ketosis quicker, so I'm going to try that tomorrow. Maybe I'll sprint a couple minutes on the treadmill, too.
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Old 07-13-2006, 03:18 AM   #11
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Samantha, sounds like you're doing GREAT and even execising already (see this is where youth is fabulously inspiring to someone my age!) I've only started some walking finally yesterday...a 25 minute walk in the fields and woods. I am really blessed by lovely surroundings.
Samantha , just keep it up one day at a time! You're already lovely inside, now you just need to let everyone else see it on the outside!
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:42 AM   #12
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Aww Gran, you are too sweet :blush:

Though I may be young, it's been pretty tough to get myself to the gym lately! I haven't started exercising yet, but I was going to start today. Even a 30 minute walk would be great! Where do you live that it's so nice and pretty?




Today's weight (day 2) 183.8 Down 1.8 since 7/11, and I've been eating a lot!



Today, 8/13, is the beginning of serious weightloss mode. I spent the past 2 days trying to ease my way back into lowcarb, and I've succeeded, though I doubt I'm in ketosis yet. Now I need to get moving if I want to make my goals .
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:46 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha42
[CENTER][COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][SIZE=3]

Another, perhaps ridiculous aspect of my mentality is that I have convinced myself that everything would be better if I was thin. Take the statement "If I was thin I would..." and insert any possible answer. I would make friends, I would meet incredible men, I would find a great husband, I would be able to make my parents happy, I would have more of an upper-hand in my relationships, I would be able to eat food in public, I'd be more confident to tell people that I ate low-carb, I could eat some higher carb foods and not worry about weight gain.... I could be a different, beautiful person.

There is a night and day difference between me-- the carb-addict, and me-- in ketosis and driven. Ketosis-me is more outgoing, I reach out to my friends and family, I make plans and decisions, I believe that life can and will always be getting better. Carb-addict me sleeps 12 hours a night, binge eats, won't go anywhere with my "puffy-face syndrome". I cry, I lament, I look for quick-fixes and pills and I don't leave my house. I try to find anything that can motivate me. I watch movies and eat ice-cream and I cry and reach out to people who don't understand and then I cry some more.



Wow, I can really relate to what you said here! Best of luck to you. I know you can do it, and im anxious to follow your progess these these next 3 months of our challenge!
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:50 PM   #14
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I am having a great day. I don't think I'm in ketosis (yet), but I somehow made my way to the gym. I woke up with nothing to do and I don't know how I mustered up the motivation, but I didn't think about it and I just went.

See, even going to the gym is a hassle for me, since I won't go to the one 2 blocks away from my house (literally, 2 blocks). Instead, I drive to the Bally's 25 minutes away... have to pay tolls to get there, but won't see a soul I know.

I've told myself that when I am at 165 pounds, I am GOING to my local Bally's, whether I like it or not. I think I would workout so much more frequently if it wasn't such a hassle, plus my sister works out at the closer gym, and I'd have a gym buddy. I need to stop hiding my face from the rest of the world. Who cares if they see my booty flopping on the treadmill? Speaking of flopping on the treadmill, is it physically impossible for manufacturer's to make sports bras for CHESTY gals? I'm pretty sure big, chesty girls dropped off the clothing radar; it is probably presumed that these girls aren't hitting the gym anyways. :blush: Sigh.

So onwards with my story: I went to the gym today and started on the treadmill. I had to smush my chest together in 2 tight sports bras. I jogged on/off every 5 minutes, and after about 11 minutes I didn't think I'd make it another step. So I started walking on an incline...and would jog/run every 10 minutes or so.

I made it 4 miles in an hour, which is fabulous, considering about 40% of that was walking on a high incline at a very slow mph. I'm feeling very satisfied with myself today Here comes ketosis-me and my optimism. I was considering going on anti-depressants the past few weeks, but I'm going to try and stick this out without meds. I don't like meds, and I'm going to be a doctor... is that an oxy-moron?

Oh! And TOM started today, which is a great relief, because I didn't find the scale to be moving to my liking . I'm a big water-retainer. And I'm still going to chug towards my goal of 170 by my birthday July 25th. I already weigh less now than I did this morning.

I haven't eaten yet today.... TOM makes me feel sick, and I tend to enjoy fasting around this time. Dare I say it without people getting nervous, I'm going to fast today! Gasp! I really like water-fasting every once in a while.... it gives me so much time to do things and think. So far I feel great... much energy... we'll see if something very tempting comes along for dinner. ...
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:53 PM   #15
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Wow, I can really relate to what you said here! Best of luck to you. I know you can do it, and im anxious to follow your progess these these next 3 months of our challenge!
Awww thanks I'm very excited about this 3 month challenge! We really have a great group going on... (<---wow that was alliteration). I wish you the best, too!
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Old 07-13-2006, 03:26 PM   #16
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So onwards with my story: I went to the gym today and started on the treadmill. I had to smush my chest together in 2 tight sports bras.
You crack me up! I had to do this exact same thing this morning when I went to the gym! Big boobs suck!
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:00 PM   #17
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Shoelatte-- though big boobs suck, I can't wait to lose weight and have them be normal sized and "ample" Even at a size 4/6 my boobs were big C's... it was nice... but now I'm like.... 36DDD. Who knew that DDD=F ? What is an E then?


Dinner tonight! (fasting who?)
8 chicken wings w/ hot sauce
blue cheese dressing
celery
peanuts (3 oz )

Daily calories probably in check, but chix wings not such a good idea... they need a smiley face of a guy rubbing his tummy. Not that they made me feel sick, they just felt heavy, and of course, I had that guilty feeling.

I was filling out a myspace survey the other day and one of the questions was "what is your favorite meal". The only thing I could think of was "One that doesn't make me feel guilty afterwards".... Though I could have said nachos and a DQ cookie dough/PB cup blizzard, it would really only be my favorite while eating it.

There is a big difference between temporary gratification and true enjoyment. I truly enjoy eating things that make me feel *good*, so that would be my favorite meal. Maybe a hamburger patty and some mashed cauliflower with fake butter spread MMmmmmm.....


I'm afraid all the salt from dinner will leave me with no weightloss... I'm going to go weigh myself right now so I can approximate what I'll be in the morning (I always do this, brb)

184.6 ! I have to lose .8 by tomorrow morning to maintain.... so hopefully I will actually lose weight still... we'll see.
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:23 PM   #18
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Samantha, you're doing great So much more energy than me! Very brave of you to go the gym but only because of the self image you have of your body. (I don't think your weight is that bad) Especially since you're so young you're not saggy like us "older" ladies! Keep up the good work and don't be afraid to go to the closer gym; I know you look a lot better than you think you do!! Just think how impressed everyone there will be when you really start to shrink. I know we do this for ourselves BUT, it doesn't hurt to show the world WE CAN DO THIS!!! You'll make believers out of the whole club! GO FOR IT!
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:26 PM   #19
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:blush: Gran4... can you adopt me???

I wish my family were as supportive and kind as you are!
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:28 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha42
though big boobs suck, I can't wait to lose weight and have them be normal sized and "ample" Even at a size 4/6 my boobs were big C's... it was nice... but now I'm like.... 36DDD.
.

Me too! I think I'm a DD though, not triple. Definitely not a blessing, much more of a curse! When dh asked if we could get a boat last year I told him yes, as long as after kids I can have a breast lift/reduction. He agreed and you'd better believe I'm holding him to it when the time comes!
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:35 PM   #21
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Me too! I think I'm a DD though, not triple. Definitely not a blessing, much more of a curse! When dh asked if we could get a boat last year I told him yes, as long as after kids I can have a breast lift/reduction. He agreed and you'd better believe I'm holding him to it when the time comes!

LOL! What would be your ideal size? I like 34C, and I know that's what I'd be if I really got into shape, so that's motivation. I had some friends get reductions, but they were about 25 lbs overweight, so I really think they should have lost weight 1st instead of getting surgery.

I'm afraid I'll need a lift but it scares me! <--- I put the high-5 guys in because if you ignore their facial expressions they look like two boobs that went from perky to saggy !

I actually really want a nose-job... my nose isn't HORRIBLE, but when I was 16 my Dad made a comment to me that has really stuck and now I really want one... See with Ashlee Simpson, a minor bump that gets removed can make a huuuge difference!
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:47 PM   #22
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Yes, I would say 34 C is ideal, which is what I was when I was thin. I'm still 34, just bumped up the cup size. Here is a pic of me before I gained weight and I think my boobs look great, lol. I had just gotten done running so my mascara is running all over my face. I thought I was huge so this is supposed to be my "before" picture.

[IMG][/IMG]
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:51 PM   #23
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LOL, KATE!! Your before picture to WHAT exactly?? Sorry to be gross or anything here, but your boobs look perfect in this picture! Hahahaha .... I hope you didn't wear that bra running, bet a lotttta guys would be watching. It reminds me of that Click movie where Adam Sandler puts the girl running in slow-motion so he can see her boobs bounce up and down. I practically have to duct tape mine to my body if I want to go running ever.
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:53 PM   #24
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No, didn't wear that running, I would have given myself a black eye!

My before pic because I was trying to lose weight. I was such an idiot and didn't realize how good I really looked.
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Old 07-14-2006, 05:41 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha42
Shoelatte-- though big boobs suck, I can't wait to lose weight and have them be normal sized and "ample" Even at a size 4/6 my boobs were big C's... it was nice... but now I'm like.... 36DDD. Who knew that DDD=F ? What is an E then?
I am a DD, and I can't wait to lose this weight and be down in a cup size either! I guess I wouldn't mind being just a D! After looking at Kate's pic though, I think I want C's like her! Kate - what were your stats in that pic?

Last edited by shoelattegurl; 07-14-2006 at 05:48 AM..
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Old 07-14-2006, 10:02 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by Kate78526
No, didn't wear that running, I would have given myself a black eye!

My before pic because I was trying to lose weight. I was such an idiot and didn't realize how good I really looked.
We all have that problem If I had been happy with my appearance in high school, at 130-150 lbs, I would not be here today. Dieting increased my carb-addiction and bingeing..... and made me gain weight like whoa.
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Old 07-14-2006, 10:05 AM   #27
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Weigh in today:

182.4

Still a good 7 pounds away from where I was 2.5 weeks ago, but it's TOM, and I take a good week off eating anything and everything! I can tell when I'm still retaining water by how sore my chest is , and it's still pretty sore. AS is the rest of my body, thank you treadmill.

So, I'm going to recap my stats

7/11 185.6
7/12 184.0
7/13 183.8
7/14 182.4

I COULD not sleep again last night, for the life of me. What is going on?!
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Old 07-14-2006, 06:28 PM   #28
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Kate - what were your stats in that pic?
I am 5'6" and I think I was around 130 lbs. there. Oh, how I miss the good old days!
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Old 07-14-2006, 06:37 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha42
Weigh in today:

182.4

Still a good 7 pounds away from where I was 2.5 weeks ago, but it's TOM, and I take a good week off eating anything and everything! I can tell when I'm still retaining water by how sore my chest is , and it's still pretty sore. AS is the rest of my body, thank you treadmill.

So, I'm going to recap my stats

7/11 185.6
7/12 184.0
7/13 183.8
7/14 182.4

I COULD not sleep again last night, for the life of me. What is going on?!
Samantha, you've lost more than 3 lbs in three days while retaining fluid for your TOM.....come on now aren't you being just a little over demanding of yourself?! You'll probably lose 5# when you start your period and you'll be so delighted you'll forget all about how miserable PMS is !!
Hey, you could have my hot flashes instead!!
You're doing GREAT so don't beat youself up! Keep it up!!!
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Old 07-14-2006, 08:48 PM   #30
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Oh, Gran ... if only you could have seen me at dinner tonight (chips, salsa, fajitas) you wouldn't be saying how well I'm doing! :blush: :blush: And TOM started yesterday.... so I should be losing the water weight right about now.... we'll see how the next few days pan out.

Mexican restaurants KILL me. Had guacamole, chips, steak fajitas, lettuce, veggies, a little sour cream. Afterwards, had a LC chocolate ice cream from Maggie Moo's. It wasn't very good, kinda chalky, but I didn't feel too guilty afterwards....

I am still SO sore... Ugh, my legs, my butt.
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