@-->-- :::.. take it easy ..::: --<--@

[Samantha42]

Lei-- Thanks for getting me back here!!


Steph-- I'm glad you could find things to relate to in my journal!! I often feel like nobody in my "real" life understands what I'm going through, so I find this board to be amazing. You guys GET IT!! And I'm glad you feel that way too, KWIM?

Stud-- Yeah, what is it about redheads?? I am loving it already. I look in the mirror and feel better. About eating more simply, do you think I should finish the "less simple" foods I have in my apartment, or just let them sit there? I have 1 bar of 85% dark chocolate, which I don't really get addicted to. Plus about 8 bags of shiritaki noodles, LC pasta sauce... should I keep eating these foods in small quantities or get very strict right away?

And how are YOU doing?! Your stats look great.

I am in ketosis (finally) and was 190.2 today. I was kinda disappointed because I thought for sure I would break into the 180's. But I'm sure if I try by tomorrow I can be in the 180s again. Monday I have a big dinner to go to with a lot of family and family friends, and I want to look good. I know, only 3 days away, not much I can do, right?

[BigStud72]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

Stud-- Yeah, what is it about redheads?? I am loving it already. I look in the mirror and feel better. About eating more simply, do you think I should finish the "less simple" foods I have in my apartment, or just let them sit there? I have 1 bar of 85% dark chocolate, which I don't really get addicted to. Plus about 8 bags of shiritaki noodles, LC pasta sauce... should I keep eating these foods in small quantities or get very strict right away?

And how are YOU doing?! Your stats look great.

I am in ketosis (finally) and was 190.2 today. I was kinda disappointed because I thought for sure I would break into the 180's. But I'm sure if I try by tomorrow I can be in the 180s again. Monday I have a big dinner to go to with a lot of family and family friends, and I want to look good. I know, only 3 days away, not much I can do, right?

KETOSIS

I would save the dark chocolate for emergencies (when you have a really bad sweet craving, snap you off a little piece). If you are worried that the above mentioned "simple foods" are going to keep you off track, then get rid of them.

I'm doing GREAT! Going to swing by the doctor's office today to weigh myself. It's been two weeks, so I'm curious Glad to hear back from ya and you aren't that far from the 180s... I bet if you stuck to it strictly through the weekend you will lose 2-3 pounds before dinner on Monday.

I'm sure you will look stunning to your family and friends, especially with that red hair

[Samantha42]

I'm trying to post a pic of my red hair... does this attachment thing work?

[Samantha42]

Ooh! I think it did! I'm going to post pics here-- for motivation etc!

Here are pics of how I want to look at goal (because I looked like this at 17/18)

That third picture of me in my little black dress was when I was about 140-145 lbs. The other 2 are at 125-130 pounds. I can't believe I felt fat at 140 pounds!!!

[BigStud72]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

I'm trying to post a pic of my red hair... does this attachment thing work?

Yes mam it does. Gotta love those reheads.

[BigStud72]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

Ooh! I think it did! I'm going to post pics here-- for motivation etc!

Here are pics of how I want to look at goal (because I looked like this at 17/18)

That third picture of me in my little black dress was when I was about 140-145 lbs. The other 2 are at 125-130 pounds. I can't believe I felt fat at 140 pounds!!!

Ugh, guess I'll have to drag out my high school and college pics too, LOL.

[Samantha42]

The green skirt is me on new years-- about 10-15 lbs smaller. The other one is me 2 weeks ago, when I went out to my school party after many days of binge eating. I ended up wearing a navy blazer because I was busting out of that navy blouse!! Notice the moon face?

Ok-- now if I ever want to delete these pics, to preserve my anonymity and all, can I do that?

[daisymaiz]

You do NOT have a moon face!

[Samantha42]

Ok Daisy-- I challenge you to a moonface challenge!

These 2 pics--- they are taken 1 month apart, and one is when in ketosis, and one is post-binge eating (moony). Can you guess which is which?? I'll give you a hint-- the binge eating one ALSO looks like I have a mullet! Hahah I can't believe I am posting all these pics of me. It took me 5 years before I would even put my pic in my avatar!! Baby steps, eh?

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by BigStud72

Ugh, guess I'll have to drag out my high school and college pics too, LOL.

Ok, where are they?!

[BigStud72]

Ok there hot stuff, go check out my journal. I posted 3 pics of me from senior year of high school when I was 175-180. Then I posted 4 pics of me from late 2005 and early 2006 when I was at 470. Then I posted my avatar pic from Tuesday.

Promise not to laugh... too much, LOL.

[daisymaiz]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

Ok Daisy-- I challenge you to a moonface challenge!

You've got it. It's in my journal-Moon. Face. Chipmunk Cheeks.
Looking through old pictures can really be an eye opener.

[BigStud72]

Good Morning! Hope you have a wonderful day!!!

[Samantha42]

So far it is a wonderful day!

I was 189! So down 1.2 from yesterday (PMS weight, but still!), and I had 4 meals yesterday! I normally eat only 2-3x a day, and if more than that, I seem to be unable to lose weight.

Woohoo!

This morning I finished off the 1/2 bar of 85% chocolate, and had scrambled egg beaters, 1T coconut oil, cinnamon & stevia.

I feel full! Hopefully I won't eat for a while now

[daisymaiz]

Amazing how fast things can get better, isn't it?

[BigStud72]

Awesome work Sam!!!! I'm so happy for you, keep it up!

[Samantha42]

Things DO turn around quickly, Daisy!! We got to remember that whenever we get into a rut, KWIM?


Breakfast at 11, dinner at 6. Amazing how much ketosis and a nice hearty meal can suppress your appetite. I almost forgot to eat, I am not even hungry! But as usual, I will always remember to eat. I wish I was one of those people who "just forgets" to eat. Haha how is that even possible?!

[Samantha42]

Tonight was a good night--- there were a few things that made me think of "fatness".

IE I stepped on a guys toe and had this huge amount of guilt. Like, what if I crushed him? I kept apologizing... I dunno, it's like, I get that instinctive feeling that he thinks "a fat girl just crushed my toe". Silly, I know.

Drank about 3 (4?) beers. Ended up hungry but had nuts and cheese. I don't normally eat either of those, but I figured they were the best options. I feel guilty now and wish I hadn't. My throat feels sore all the sudden. Darn cheese!

Met a lot of people I didn't know before. I love how when I drink I become super socialite-- met a lot of people I hadn't talked to before. They probably think I'm super loud and annoying! Oh well! Had a good time anyway. It will be interesting to see how we end up saying "hello" when we see each other in school. This is seeing as though drunken conversations are only 1/2 conversations, and still leave a sober awkwardness.

There may have been 1 guy hitting on me. I'm not even sure since it has been, UM, so long. (makes me miss me ex, who I almost drunk texted, PS how old am I?!?!) He's not a typical guy I would go for, but lets be honest, I'm trying to be less discriminative and more open, so maybe this is a good thing?

[BigStud72]

Hey kid, where are you hiding?

[Samantha42]

samantha + passover = NOT lowcarb.

I know I could have kept LC if I wanted to, but I chose not to.

I am not in a time of extreme stress, nor do I have any desire to binge, and I know I will be back on plan tomorrow. I have gotten a lot better over the years at getting back on plan. The first time I did LC and went off plan, it took me months to get back on track. I consider tonight to have been worth it.

[daisymaiz]

You made a choice. That is way different than mindlessly stuffing your face with food that you are not even really enjoying. Good for you. I hope you had a good time!

[courtneyallison1]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

I am writing this because I am so f*ing tired of coming back to this very same place. Maybe if I try and REALLY sort out what got me here and how it feels to be here, maybe I can GET OUT.

All in all--- exam week-- always worst week ever. Always over-do things like caffeine, nuts, sugar. Eat 5 meals a day. Binge. Stomach pains. Can't sleep. Bloated like I cannot believe. As in, my calves are so swollen they don't even feel nor look like my own. When I touch them, my skin can hardly even feel the sensation of being touched. It is like I am touching something *else*. You know the feeling when your cheek or lip is numb from being at the dentist, and when you touch it, it feels like this strange skin and not like you are touching yourself? That's how my leg is. I would not be surprised if my calf was 50% larger than normal. I feel like a different person.

I know it could be mental. But honestly, I think I looked like I have gained 20 pounds over the past week. My face looks painfully different. My "loose" jeans are leaving imprints on my stomach. No matter what I do with my hair my face is a moonface and when I smile it seems like my mouth has gotten tiny in comparison to the rest of my face. My clavicle/neck muscles have all but disappeared. I have eaten extraordinary amounts. Painful amounts. Amounts I have not consumed in a long time. I forget to take my medicine, I don't floss as much, I am wearing sweatpants. I CANNOT get up from off the couch because it literally hurts. I thought there was a chance that I ate so much that I would vomit, but the feeling passed after a few minutes.

I am disgusting.

If I fail any of my exams I will be convinced that I could not even think clearly. I feel so painfully tired in my body and my head that it seems like I cannot carry on in any particular direction. (OBviously, I WILL carry on). It just feels like it will take so much effort to break the cycle and get back on track with LCing, and on the same token, it seems like so much effort to carry on the way I have been. The constant runs to the grocery store. The constant stomach pains. The brain fog.

I have been falling back into my old-school binge habits. As in, planning my entire day around food. As in, panic at the thought of not being by food. Lying to people about what I'm doing so I can binge in privacy. Leaving social situations to go binge. Not studying so I can eat myself into oblivion.

This has not, and WILL not get me anywhere that I want to go.

My life is 10 times better when I am in ketosis. I need to get back there.

I am thinking about my summer goals, and the thought of another fat summer makes me sick to my stomach. I'm talking butterflies. I need to lose weight by this summer. I need to be back in the 150s, so I feel like my goals are approachable, and I look more like my "former-self". I am sick of feeling like I am still skinny samantha that is stuck in a different body and different life. I have now spent 6 years being fat. I'm fat samantha now! The only way to know the kind of person I will be when I am thin is to BE THIN. Not this summer, not this year, not this decade, but NOW. This is my entire life. I cannot keep doing this to myself, saying that I am going to change my life and then keep watching myself fail from the sidelines. I am distraught over this. What is wrong with me?

Samantha,
Sorry to pry and I havent gotten past the above post, BUT I wanted to see if you have ever tried Yerba Mate tea. It totally helps the caffeine factor (contains mateine, a cousin to caffeine) and you can sleep when you need to but continue to have energy until you want to sleep. One other nice side affect is that it suppresses my apetite. I also have no sugar cravings and I have to remind myself to eat. I focus more on other things. The upside is that I have only been drinking it for a week or so! Just thought you might wanna try it! Guayaki is a brand that most health food stores carry. You can also do a search but make sure you choose a reputable one due to the taste and packaging (sounds lame I know, but more of the teas come from Argentina and are packaged with their languages, etc.)

Sorry to bother you if you are already aware of this. I just thought it may help the caffeine, etc. factor. Thanks!

~Court

[courtneyallison1]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

The green skirt is me on new years-- about 10-15 lbs smaller. The other one is me 2 weeks ago, when I went out to my school party after many days of binge eating. I ended up wearing a navy blazer because I was busting out of that navy blouse!! Notice the moon face?

Ok-- now if I ever want to delete these pics, to preserve my anonymity and all, can I do that?

Wow! Your blog has enthralled me. LOL. You are such a great person and you should stop beating yourself up! You are GORGEOUS and do not look obese in any way! I know the feeling though! Stay tuned... I will post my pics tomorrow and I will start my journal tonight! (If I can figure out how! )

We are all so lucky to have this message board, to be each others strengths and shoulders. (to cry on...) Let's keep in touch and keep each other motivated!!!

[BigStud72]

Originally Posted by courtneyallison1

Wow! Your blog has enthralled me. LOL. You are such a great person and you should stop beating yourself up! You are GORGEOUS and do not look obese in any way! I know the feeling though! Stay tuned... I will post my pics tomorrow and I will start my journal tonight! (If I can figure out how! )

We are all so lucky to have this message board, to be each others strengths and shoulders. (to cry on...) Let's keep in touch and keep each other motivated!!!

I agree on all counts... especially the gorgeous part! Hang in there kiddo, you can do this!