@-->-- :::.. take it easy ..::: --<--@

[Samantha42]

Clearly I've been MIA from my own journal, <<sad>>.

Since my last entry things have been up and down.

Up: my grandma moved to a rehab home that's close to me (b4 she was 3 hours away)

Up: I have been able to control what I eat.

Up: I have been in ketosis now for 6 weeks. Increased optimism.

Down: Something is wrong with me, and I'm hardly losing weight. It seems that all I can lose is water weight, so I keep fluctuating between 180-184. I cannot get away from this!

Down: This weekend I overate nuts and salads and yogurt. But really, could be worse, except now I'm up a good 3-4 lbs in water retention. maybe 5 pounds!! I am probably about 185-187 ! It is so easy for me to gain weight and hard for me to lose it.

So, UP: I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday to reevaluate my thyroid. I increased my dose about a month ago, and I haven't noticed a huge difference. My skin is so dry!


The holidays are coming up, and I don't care that my family will see me fat. What I care about: people from highschool, my friends that haven't seen me in a while. I'm afraid I'll hide out all winter break in my bedroom and ignore phone calls from people that want to see me. I'll miss bar nights with my friends and mope, wishing that I had gotten my act together and lost the weight. Another fat christmas. Another fat new years.

I thought I was doing great being on plan and all, then I got pictures back from halloween .... seriously... disgusting. I thought I had a chin, but guess not!!!


Short term goals get me moving: how much can I lose by thanksgiving? christmas?

[shoelattegurl]

Glad to see you back posting Samantha! Maybe if you get a little more strick with yourself, (like lose the yogurt and nuts!) maybe the scale would move a little more quickly. Just a suggestion. But it is good to see you are still on plan!

[telemetrynurse]

Hi Samantha,

I just wanted to let you know that I've really enjoyed reading your journal! You are an excellent writer! I've felt many of the same things you've expressed so eloquently.

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma. I hope she is doing well.

Congrats on med school! How exciting AND stressful! My dh and brother are both physicians so I've seen the impact med school can have on a person. Don't worry about what others think if you bring your own food....my dh STILL brings a bag lunch to conferences because all they provide is JUNK.

Please be kind to yourself. Look at all you've accomplished....you're in med school and you're making healthy lifestyle/dietary changes at a young age! You also have a wonderful attitude and a terrific personality...I can tell from reading your journal! You should be PROUD of yourself! I'm sure many other people are proud of you! Please don't hide and miss out on life! You deserve FUN!

You CAN and WILL succeed in becoming a healthy, happy and successful person! Good luck!

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by telemetrynurse

Hi Samantha,

I just wanted to let you know that I've really enjoyed reading your journal! You are an excellent writer! I've felt many of the same things you've expressed so eloquently.

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma. I hope she is doing well.

Congrats on med school! How exciting AND stressful! My dh and brother are both physicians so I've seen the impact med school can have on a person. Don't worry about what others think if you bring your own food....my dh STILL brings a bag lunch to conferences because all they provide is JUNK.

Please be kind to yourself. Look at all you've accomplished....you're in med school and you're making healthy lifestyle/dietary changes at a young age! You also have a wonderful attitude and a terrific personality...I can tell from reading your journal! You should be PROUD of yourself! I'm sure many other people are proud of you! Please don't hide and miss out on life! You deserve FUN!

You CAN and WILL succeed in becoming a healthy, happy and successful person! Good luck!

Your words are too kind. Thank you for posting in my journal: you brought me back here and I haven't been in here for a long time. My grandma is doing alright, she still can't walk again and there is always some mini-drama going on. So you're married to a Dr! Do you see him ever? What kind of doctor is he?

I really appreciate everything you said... I'm going to start posting more in my journal and I'll write a nice thorough update sometime soon.

[telemetrynurse]

So you're married to a Dr! Do you see him ever? What kind of doctor is he?

I don't see my dh very often. He leaves for work at 6am - 7am and does not return until 6pm - 7pm. I see him when he eats dinner, for about an hour, then he goes to his home office to finish his clinical notes and research, usually till at least 11pm. He does sometimes get time off on weekends (not this weekend, he in on call). He is a very hard worker. He does tons of research and is also writing a textbook (nuclear cardiology) in his "spare" time. So, our time together is limited, but I enjoy whatever time we have. I knew about the time/work issues before we got married because I am a nurse and I am very independent so it works out well. I don't think it would work if I was "high maintenance" or very needy.

It is definitely something to consider, time issues and quality of life, when you chose what area of medicine you want to practice. My dh is an attending cardiologist (who knows, you may end up working with him? He teaches med students, interns, and card. fellows) Cardiologist are known to have some of the longest work hours. There are some websites which show the average hours worked per speciality.

My brother, on the other hand, seldom works 40 hour weeks and is rarely on call. He is a dermatopathologist. Not as many emergencies involving skin lesions.

Sorry if that is tmi!

I look forward to reading more of your insightful, interesting journal! Good luck and best wishes!
Liz

[Morgan2281]

Thank you for your support and you are so right about what you told me. It is soooo much harder to be younger and overweight. People expect that since you are young that it should be easy to be skinny. If only that were true!
I'm just trying to reduce how many carbs I eat. I'm not cutting them out completely. Instead of having toast or a granola bar for breakfast I'm going to grab an apple or banana or something. I'm hoping that keeping this journal that everyone can see will help me not slip up.
Congratulations on your success so far. Keep up the good work!

[Morgan2281]

So about my first post when I said my family went to Chicago...I actually bought mostly shoes because it's the one thing that looks good no matter what you weigh. Isn't that sad?!?!

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by Morgan2281

So about my first post when I said my family went to Chicago...I actually bought mostly shoes because it's the one thing that looks good no matter what you weigh. Isn't that sad?!?!

LOL that is so true. My thing has become purses. And even with that I can't get the real teeny ones because they will look ridiculous mushed under my fat-assed arm!! I bet you were on Michigan Avenue shopping?? My senior year of high school (are you a senior?) I started getting really into health. I think it's good you are taking it slowly b/c sometimes, once you go really lowcarb its almost impossible to go back without gaining tons of weight.

Let me know how you're doing! If you need any advice, support etc. feel free to message me here or send me a private message!

[Morgan2281]

I'm glad you posted that in mine. I probably wouldn't have figured out that you responded on yours for a couple days. I'm starting to understand this whole thing now so I'll check your journal often.

[Samantha42]

AAAAAAAAAAND I AM BACK.

It's been a while, but I told myself that as soon as I had time in my life I was going to rededicate myself to-- well to myself.

The New Year has always been an important time in my life. Something about new beginnings gives me an incredible surge of motivation and focus. In years past, I generally stick to my resolutions, at least until April or May, and I create them weeks before I actually intend to begin them. So somewhere in this lengthy entry I'm going to start formulating my resolutions.

I've positively decided that exam time is destructive to my well-being. The past month I have been in overdrive: I have been eating out, ordering food, stressing eating, going pale, munching, chewing, drinking tea for caffeine, sleeping ~4 hours a night... absolute chaos. I was afraid that I was going to fail one of my med school classes, but found out that I passed... and I ended up doing very well in some of the classes. A relief! Yesterday was my last exam, and today, I had vowed to start anew.

AAAAAAnd not-so-much. Last night after the exam my class (150 of us) celebrated at a bar, so you know, typical binge drinking ensued.... which led to typical drunken binge eating at 3am.... I was already teetering on cheating by eating so many nuts, yogurt and big salads throughout all my exams, that last night just broke it. At 3 am I ate an entire 32 oz container of yogurt w/ pecans. First broken rule: never eat when you are drunk!!! Second broken rule: if you are going to drink and then eat, keep it LOW CARB, and food that doesn't make you feel SICK.

At 5am I woke up feeling like crap.... and I never went back to bed. By 6:30 I left my apartment to run errands while everyone else was asleep.... And by errands, I mean that I dropped $500 all over the place like money was going out of style. Now, I may be a binge eater, but I am NOT a binge spender. I have spent NO money the past few months b/c of exams.... Example: I got a new car mid-October and I have only filled it up with gas twice... and it is still on full. I had to buy holiday gifts, and then I said.... you know what, Samantha, you deserve to spoil yourself.

I want to start working out, so I dropped a good $200 at Target on workout pants, zipper hoodies and other clothes. I got tea, thermoses for tea, vitamins, books, magazines... anything and everything. And it felt GOOD. Then I drive by a salon and decide to get my hair cut and colored. (Dare I post a picture?? ) Yes, I spent a fortune. But was it worth it?

Today has been an off-plan day... I knew it's been coming for a while, and I'm getting it out of my system. Even after I write this I know perfectly well, the rest of today is an off-plan day. It just IS. And tomorrow I will feel sick and hungover from eating junk and I won't beat myself up, but I'll move forward--- onward and upward. (By upward, I mean in confidence, not in scale digits or dress size)

I had a moment of clarity last night at the bar.... Do you ever have those moments ? When it seems like you are in a movie-- when time slows down or the sun is shining in an odd way and this song on the radio just makes you THINK? Like really THINK? Moments like those I generally get this feeling like, "everything is going to be OK".... or "life is working out fine".

Last night was a bad moment though, it was a moment where everyone around me seemed better and beautiful and uninhibited and I felt like I might as well be invisible. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I am not morbidly obese. But I was dancing with people and I did not feel beautiful, I felt fat and awkward. It was like I zoned out and all I saw was myself, standing there, fat, ugly and slobbish. Whether or not I really looked fat, ugly and slobbish, it does not matter. What matters is that I FELT it. And it was an awful feeling and I sat there for a minute in the middle of this crazy loud and busy bar thinking about what I'm going to do to prevent this feeling from ever happening again.

I thought about how I had 2 1/2 weeks of a break from school to focus on whatever I want.... to organize my apartment so it puts me in a "clean" mindset. I want to clean my treadmill and start to actually USE it. It has been in my apartment since September and I have not used it once. I need to change my life, and now is the best time to do it. I'm going to get back into ketosis, 1st by getting back on plan tomorrow...

As to my new years resolutions, here are my preliminary thoughts:

weight -- lose 50 pounds by June, or ~8-10lbs / month
food -- dairy-free, anti-candida, smaller carbs (smaller salads), meat based, no nuts
workout -- workout 4 days a week, start running (couch to 5k? 10k? marathon in july, haha yeah right. is that even possible)
school -- do 2 hours of work a day, keep up, stay ahead
other -- floss, min. 8 hours of sleep a night, less TV (1 hr/ day unless working out while watching), keep in touch with friends from HS and college better, keep a journal, and read, write or do a crossword once a day, just something you enjoy
get out more and be more social (with school balanced better that will be easier)
do a cleansing fast --- 7 days? in january? end of december?

[Samantha42]

Well... today has started out being a DAY. I finally got some sleep last night... slept 13 hours... overslept for my plans today and can't get ahold of my friends. Oh well! I needed that sleep in a bad way.

Breakfast I had an Atkins bar and some 85% cocao dark chocolate. The Atkins bar was still around from yesterday... I probably should have thrown in out, but I didn't.

I have gained 10 pounds in the past week. Everyday I would basically only eat yogurt, and somehow, everyday I gained 2-3 pounds. I am sick with myself. I am sick physically and sad.

I had planned for my winter break to be a time of relaxation, socialness and fun. I wanted to go home and see people from highschool and not feel selfconscious that I wasn't the 130 lbs they remember me at. At 170 I knew I would start to feel a lot better. Now here I am, 185+ basically overnight, my face is puffy, my stomach is swelled. I feel like I want to curl up in my bed and never be seen.

Now, if someone else was writing this I would probably give them advice--- so let's see if I can help myself somehow...

PLEASE understand that you cannot gain 10 pounds in 1 week. Unless you were eating 10,000 calories a day? Which you weren't. You were probably eating 2,000-3,000 calories a day. Which means, it is almost ALL water. In all honestly you probably gained 2-3 real pounds, which can be gone in a week after you lose the water weight. Losing all the water weight only takes 3-4 days, and you will feel and LOOK so much better in that time, that in under a week you can go out and be social. It's sunday... you can be social by Friday, which is a good time to be social anyway, on the weekend!! Yes people you haven't seen in a while may think you look fat, yes you HAVE gained weight since highschool, but who cares? If they are your friend they will BE your friend anyway. And if they think you are too fat to stay friends with you, then screw 'em! Honestly, does it matter if people talk about you behind your back?? Does it really make a difference in your life, in the long run? If people see you tomorrow and start gossiping about how much weight you gained, and then in 6 months you come back thin, nobody will care. Maybe the gossip will change to, look how thin she is, I bet she has an eating disorder.. blahblahblah , but in the scheme of things, none of it really matters. Nothing aside from how your health is and how your family's health is really matter in the long run,

You are still going to find someone to marry you!! You are still going to be thin in 2007!! You are still going to be a healthy, active and content person!!! Now just stop wasting more time pouting and feeling sorry for yourself and go clean your treadmill so when you get back from vacation you will USE IT. !!!!!!!

[Samantha42]

Well, I reread my journal tonight to try and track some basic habits.... I don't lose weight when I'm not very strict-- if I keep eating dairy, big salads, nuts, etc, I just teeter between ketosis and not ketosis and I end up with cravings. I feel best with less carbs and more meat based meals.

Ok I already knew all that -- so my post thus far was pretty pointless.

I bought a good pair of running shoes the other day... and the book "idiots guide to running". I'm going to start working out religiously. My goal is 4 or 5 times a week. I know I need to set the goal and stick to it, I'm just afraid that 5 days will be pushing myself too hard and I'll end up failing and feeling guilty. Four days may seem like a better option at this point in time. It just seems like I do better when I go all-out, KWIM? Like, I used to workout 6 days a week and it was easy because I basically knew I was going every single day. With only working out 4 days a week, it might not become an ingrained schedule, and everyday will become an "off" day and I might not take it that seriously. Any opinions?

Right now I'm doing pretty well. When I come home for the holidays I don't have access to a good scale, so I'm not sure what I weigh. When I don't weigh I generally don't watch what I eat very well... so I'm trying very hard to lose / maintain. Yesterday I had 2 chicken breasts, asparagus and butter throughout the day, then a cobb salad w/ thousand island for dinner. The salad was probably pretty carby, but it helped me get past the nighttime cravings and I think I'm losing a lot of water weight, if you KWIM

Today I had 2 chicken breasts, aspargus, salsa, butter, chihuaha cheese, a LC tortilla, lettuce w/ asian dressing, an atkins bar, and a protein shake. I normally wouldn't lose weight eating this amount, but I'm just trying to get past the first few days of withdrawals before I get super strict and in ketosis. For example, normally I don't eat cheese, or atkins bars, or LC tortillas....

I haven't started working out... I'm kinda getting all worked up over it by buying all the clothes, shoes, books... so when I start I really want to have a plan set up and be super motivated.

I already started flossing everyday, so I'm getting a head start on that new years resolution. Though thats probably the least of my health problems! Who am I kidding?

I'd have 5 resolutions:

1 weight -- weigh 140 by May 1 (17 weeks away from Jan 1st, assuming I am about 180, 40 lbs in 17 weeks= 2.35 lbs/week)

2 health -- focus on simple, healthy habits. Floss daily. Sleep 8+ hours / night. intermittent fasting (longer cleansing, periodic 1-4 days)

3 exercise -- workout 4 (or 5) days a week. Start running (couch25k?)

4 self -- start journaling. be more social. date.

5 school -- keep up with classwork. do 2 hours of work a day + extra on weekends.

[GRAN4]

Hi Sam, thanks for dragging me back kicking and screaming! And I mean BACK in more ways than one: back at 245, back to try again, back to low carb...we CAN DO IT AGAIN !!! Can't believe I've wasted those 32 pounds I lost and all that time from July to October....I'm so ashamed! I hate to admit that Purple Sage was right about me when she said that I'd just drop out and quit posting....that's just what I did and now I have to make it all back up......Oh boo-hoo, stop feeling so sorry for myself; it's nobody's fault but my own, so I'm going to suck it up and get tough!

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by GRAN4

Hi Sam, thanks for dragging me back kicking and screaming! And I mean BACK in more ways than one: back at 245, back to try again, back to low carb...we CAN DO IT AGAIN !!! Can't believe I've wasted those 32 pounds I lost and all that time from July to October....I'm so ashamed! I hate to admit that Purple Sage was right about me when she said that I'd just drop out and quit posting....that's just what I did and now I have to make it all back up......Oh boo-hoo, stop feeling so sorry for myself; it's nobody's fault but my own, so I'm going to suck it up and get tough!

No problem... I'll come drag you back any day. I was gettin' worried!



Anyhow... it's new years eve and I'm getting ready to head out.

Just wanted to post one final 2006 time... and to review my resolutions, so I don't pull anything silly

I want to have a nice, clean, bold year. I want to be outgoing and fun to be with. I want to meet new people and go on dates and get excited over a guy. I want to wear all my old clothes from high school. I want to wear a cute little bikini over the summer. I want to be able to feel like I can dress as "trendy" as I want and I know I still look good (instead of fat and trying too hard). I want to run into my exboyfriends and have them think that I'm a knock-out and then I want them to think about me and miss me. I want to be a kind, patient person. I want to keep up with my work and not get behind. I want to feel like people admire me and are drawn to me (whether or not it's true ) I want to be a skinny blonde just for one summer. I want to go out over the summer to places in my hometown without fear of running into someone. I want to go to my local walgreens instead of driving 20 minutes away. I want to go to the local gym by my house. I want to keep good care of my health and sleep well, eat well and live well. I want to keep up with my vitamins and supplements. I want to weight train. I want to exercise 4x/week minimum. I want to use the treadmill in my apartment. I want to be buff. I want people at school to notice how great I suddenly look. I want to go to the gym and not be afraid about my boobs flopping, my stomach peeking, my body shaking as I run on the treadmill. I want to live up to the potentials that I have. I want to keep a journal here everyday, or somewhere else at least. I want to read and do crosswords and spend less time watching TV on my couch. I want to eat what makes me feel good. I want to stop binge eating, especially on LC foods where I make myself believe that it is "ok".

I want to make 2007 a year that counts. A year that sticks in my memory as the year I became the person I envisioned myself to be.


Happy 2007 to everyone who is reading this.

Make January 1st, 2007 the start to something amazing.

[GRAN4]

Samantha, you CAN do all these things!! You are such a vibrant, enthusiastic and intelligent young woman! You WILL SUCCEED!!!

[Samantha42]

Day 1 down. I fasted today (water & tea).


Well... I made it 1 day Already weigh less tonight than I did this morning. I am super unhappy about my weight this morning though..... I have a bit of a headache, not sure what from, probably a bit hungover from last night Oh well! It was worth it.

Not sure if I'm in ketosis. I'm hoping to go 3-4 days and break the fast friday. I like being able to eat over the weekend.

I also worked out today! 30 minutes on the treadmill at a high incline for 1.75 miles.

Today was a good day -- I'm still confused as to what gym I should join... Curves vs local gym vs finding another one that I can drive to. The local gym is a mile away and I can't drive to it, which is not a big deal, but when it's freeeeezing and dark out and I don't live in the BEST part of Chicago... so it's scary to walk alone at night.

Hmm That's all for today. Last night was great, I'm excited to get pictures back! Maybe I'll even post a few

[GRAN4]

If that's your picture in your avatar, you are a beautiful young woman, Samantha! Posting more pictures of yourself would be nice for everyone. Isn't it good to have that first day over with? You're going all the way to the finish line this time, Samantha!

[GRAN4]

SAMANTHA, you BETTER post that beautiful 5# loss here today or I'm comin' to get ya!

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by GRAN4

SAMANTHA, you BETTER post that beautiful 5# loss here today or I'm comin' to get ya!

It wasn't a REALLLLL 5 pounds loss Gran!! Although I bet Curves' Tanita scale is more accurate than my Target one. Don't you think?? But even with the 5 lb loss I'm not back to siggy weight, CLOSE, but not BACK.... I have lost 4.6 lbs since stating on Monday!!! (but I gained mmmmmm 10 lbs over my 2.5 week break) SO I'm in denial about changing my stats.

But I've worked out everyday so far! I feel great... in ketosis!

[GRAN4]

Good For You....can you pinch my ear and get me out that door for a walk as soon as the weather gets better? We're expecting another foot tonight.

[Samantha42]

There are so many better things I *could* have been doing to consume my time-- and instead it all revolves around food!!! All these years-- all this time! All the events I didn't go to and people I didn't see and things I didn't get to wear. For what? Honestly?

It's funny how I didn't start to care about my health until I felt "fat" (you know, 5'5" 135-140 lbs, the usual OBESE standard ). But I partly blame the medical community... when I went to the dermatologist for skin problems they never made it seem like it could be an INTERNAL problem. It was always external, you know? Like I just needed cream for this or that, it was never that maybe I was eating foods I was allergic to, or my thyroid function was low. So I had no idea that food really affected my body.

I am really struggling right now. I am having LC binges all the time.... I am up 4 of the 7 pounds I lost since Jan 1st. I am not in ketosis. The binges aren't HUGE where they are full carb, extremely painful.... but I always seem to gradually work my way up to that, and then it's really hard to get back. I need to nip this ASAP. I went grocery shopping while I was craving yesterday and ended up buying too much !!!! Most of it would be ok--- like baked chicken, tuna salad.... but I also bought yogurt and nuts (cashews and walnuts) and those are lying in a shady "gray area" when it comes to be being on plan. Good thing I ate BOTH the yogurts (just now, as a typed)....

I guess mentally I'm saying today is shot and tomorrow, IT'S ON. It just scares me to think that tomorrow could come and it won't be on, but instead I'll be running to a store.... making a huge salad... eating a vat of yogurt..... It's like, I don't hold myself accountable for my decisions when I am binge eating. It's like there is some larger power that I cannot control, I don't even trust myself. How sad is that?


continued later today.....
Tonight was not good for me. I went to dinner with a dear dear friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long time. I ate too many carbs that came with our dishes that we were splitting (some mashed potatoes, risotto) I hope it doesn't push me over an edge that I can't get back to LC quickly. BUT I really had a great night and it seemed worth it not having turned it into a night on what I could and couldn't eat. Sometimes it is these occassions that I feel good "cheating" during.... but I still hate the fact that I cheated. I'm only cheatin' myself here!

[GRAN4]

Sam, I'm so glad to see you...even if you are having some problems rith now. This too shall pass and those potatoes and stuff will be flushed tomorrow! You know you can do this, Samantha.....but please be gentle with yourself. So you slipped off the proverbial wagon....don't we all do that? Get back on the ride and you'll find only loving acceptance.