@-->-- :::.. take it easy ..::: --<--@

[Samantha42]

Well guys--- with each passing day that I don't post on LCF I realize I get farther and farther away from you guys, and from reaching my goals. Don't get me wrong, I come here everyday-- I read what people are saying, and I always plan to post a response, then never get around to it. I'm officially lurking on my usual threads, on this board, and on my life!!!!

I have been doing some very stupid things which I know will lead to binge triggers-- eating my big salads w/ fancy chicken salad which is probably carbed up. I eat artichoke, sundried tomatoes, carrots, peas, peanuts, cashews, ranch dressing, a "bite" or two here and there of high carb food. But I fool myself into thinking it's okay and that "tomorrow" I'll get into deeper ketosis and avoid this food or that food and I'll lose the "water" weight that I'm "retaining".

WHO AM I KIDDING?!?!?!

I'm gaining weight. I'm gaining FAT. As of today-- royally carbed up-- after a night of tossing & turning, itching my skin to the point of making it SCAB, bad dreams, severe acid reflux (possibly borderline vomiting, gross, I know, I'm sorry!)--on top of all those awful physical effects and nevermind the awful mental effects,

I AM ALMOST BACK TO MY HIGHEST, FATTEST, most UNCOMFORTABLE and bloated weight off 200+ (possibly was 205) pounds. I was 198.8. I'm admitting it. I is fessing up

8 days ago I was 190 pounds. A month ago when I was 184 and on top of the world? Member that? Un-friggin-believable!!!!!!!!

In the past 2 weeks on 4 separate occasions I have eaten an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Last night would have made it 5 but I was too sick and full from the other stuff to finish it.

Like, what???? Are you kidding me?!?!?! What happened to my drive and motivation?! What happened to telling my Dad I was down 6 pounds already and feeling great (and now, I'm UP 8 pounds from my start)-- that's a 14 pound difference. For what? To feel sorry for myself.... to fool myself into thinking that tomorrow will be different despite the fact that I'm not trying to make it different?


I know I'm being so dramatic. I just FEEL like everything turns to sh$t when I eat poorly, and it all happens so quickly and so severely that it IS dramatic and a bit traumatizing. It's a huge jolt to my life, my relationships and my self esteem. It leads to awful sleep, exhaustion, isolation, dry skin, scratching of skin, dandruff, pale skin, foggy thinking, not fitting into my clothes, trying to hide my face all day, breakout pimples that I can't cover up, lookin wan and "sick", looking bloated as though I gained 15 pounds overnight, not wanting to see my best friends, not wanting to see my family, feeling despair and pessimistic, thinking I will never date, never get married, never have kids. It makes me feel like my life is pretty pointless, that I have no one who loves me, and that I'll never succeed at having the kind of life I want.


How ridiculous! All because of food! It's JUST food! Who cares how something tastes??


I am really sick of myself. I'm angry with myself. And I know beating myself up isn't going to help anything so instead this morning I:
--FORCED myself to weigh
--entered my weight on fitday (yes, that awful place which I have IGNORED all of FEBRUARY)
--took all of my medicines (which I have been totally relaxed on and which can HELP me lose weight)
--took a natural "weight loss" supplement to help suppress my appetite (Bad, I know, but it's a whole foods, chromium blend thing with natural caffeine)
--had 3 cups of tea
--am distracting myself by being productive and doing work
--am sitting in front of my special "light" to get some serotonin flowing
--decided to go home tonight so I'm not alone or depressed, and so I can talk to my family. Also, so I can bring the carby food I still have home so they arent in my apartment taunting and tempting me.
--made a to-do list with things I plan to do this weekend & this week.
--am going to visit my grandma.


I need to change my life--- starting with my daily routines to more grand, daunting tasks. Dyeing my hair and joining match.com was just the tip of the iceberg. It's going to be slow, it's going to be hard, but I'm going to do it.

I promise you guys:
--there will be more positive days than negative days
-- I will post here more often.
--I will be honest about my struggles, gains, and achievements.
-- I will take mini-steps to becomming more confident in my real-life.
-- I will go back to my LCF journal which I haven't written in for months.

Match.com has been very fun. I love reading how people describe themselves. So far, I have gotten many emails and "winks" but I have found 1 person in particular and we have written massively long, very personal emails to eachother. It's exciting!

If I don't boost my confidence by getting into ketosis and losing the water weight/bloat etc, I know I'll never meet him in person. It will become another "when I lose 30 pounds... in 2 months... eventually" I'll do it. Which is ridiculous. The good thing is, he wants to really get to know me before we decide to meet. So this buys me *some* time. He seems very genuine, and it's a positive "first match.com" experience even if it doesn't work out. It's getting me used to playing the dating game, which I have never played before.

I have exams coming up in 2 weeks (I know, vomit, right?)-- from March 10th to the 19th... so I'm thinking that I should right now commit to meeting this guy sometime over my spring break (March 19th-the 30th). That is 3.5-5 weeks away. I know I won't be anywhere near my "feeling attractive" weight, but I can be SO much closer. And if he doesn't like me at that "closer" weight, then he doesn't like me period. Not my problem, it's his.


So that's my confession & novel. You guys can hold me to all of this I need tough love.

[meeha]

Samantha
I was going to respond to you in the other thread (Rollar Coaster) but decided to come check out your journal.

I am all too familiar with some of what you posted recently, it can get extremely frustrating at times and you just want to hide from the world, you hate youself for "failing" again. Asking yourself why can't I get it right?

Believe me I've been there and still go there time from time, I fell off the wagon about a week or 2 ago, vowing NEVER to binge again blah, blah, blah I mean I was pumped and ready to move forward and this pass Saturday I did it again.

I cried and went through the whole hating myself but then I had to really look at myself and the big picture.

We're human and this is not easy although we know what needs to be done and have the tools to do it I think at times we can use that as a crutch. Like I know going back to Induction will give me fast results so although I try my hardest not to binge I know it's not the end of it.

I see you've met someone online but hesitant about meeting in person until you lose some more weight. Boy oh! boy I have been putting off a visit with my in laws b/c I'm not where I want to be espcially after my husband told them I had lost all of this weight so I don't want to go b/c I know they are expecting to see the difference.

I say all of this to say, from a person who know exactly where you're coming from. It's not going to be easy shoot even after we lose all the weight we want we are still going to have to work at it.

Don't hide from the world be apart of it, go and meet your online friend on your Spring Break. Plan your meals for the week and tell yourself you are going to make it and God forbid you fall off the wagon again well then just get up dust yourself off and get back on.

I wish you nothing but happiness and success and you're gonna do it!!!

[hpseids]

Hi Samantha!

Not sure if you even check this anymore, but hopefully you do! I started lurking around LCF a few months ago and yesterday found the Get off the Rollercoaster thread and read a few of your posts. Well, we're the same age and I felt like I related to some stuff you said so I checked out your journal...haven't read it all, just random posts throughout, but it's SCARY how alike we are!!

I, too, grew up on the North Shore of Chicago, I am starting Med school in the fall, and we actually kinda look alike too (including too-big boobs )! WEEEEIIIRD hahaha....seriously, though, I just related to so much of what you wrote and just wanted to say hey! Maybe we could chat sometime and see what else we have in common...

Hope things are going well in med school for you! (I'd love to pick your brain and see what I have in store!!) Hope to hear from you and see you on LCF soon. (Oh, and hope this doesn't sound stalker-ish hahaha)

Emily

[Samantha42]

Emily-- How ironic! And not stalkerish at all!

I tried to PM you but you must be new or haven't posted a lot.... so it won't let me Start posting a lot! I can't believe we have so much in common... I saw you mention you were from HP (I think?) which is crazy. I'm always hesitant to really say where I'm from on LCF, but I'll just say, we probably grew up like... 5 minutes away from each other

You have also just confirmed my greatest fear that somehow people I know could find me on LCF and read my life story and how pathetic I am I'm kidding. Sorta

Tell me your med school plans! Where are you going to school? Where did you do undergrad? You can go ahead and pick my brain-- I feel like I could go on and on about weight, medical school, big boobs etc.

It's funny, we have similar stats, except that I'm a ****** and you've lost 21 pounds. Ahhh to be 162 again. I jealous.

[hpseids]

Sam! Awesome to connect and good to know it wasn't stalkerish hahaha

I put my email address on the other thread so email me whenever (and/or gmail chat if you have it) so we can chat more. Yeah, I'm probably tooooo open with details here (I'm a clueless newbie oops!) but eh, I figure it's a pretty "safe" site (and mostly women) and....well I don't know I probably shouldn't! We HAVE to talk soon I can't wait to hear about school and everything else. Where do you go? I assume you live downtown? I'm still waiting to hear from one school (my first choice, of course) so cross your fingers for me!! Maybe we can be weight loss buddies and motivate each other and get together for some healthy low carb meals! Well it's better than 2am burritos and greasy Pokey sticks and other crap most of my (college) friends and I eat together!! Sooooo not helpful!

Oh, and no worries about people "finding" you here-- the way I see it, anyone who's on here in the first place who would see your posts has their own reasons/insecurities/whatever that they're worries about too. We're all in the same boat!! And that's what support is, right? No judgement! (Not like I'm PROUD of my jiggle...)

Talk to you soon! Email me!

Emily

[Samantha42]

Emily--

Hey! I couldn't find your email address anywhere... would you be willing to just post it here? Then I'll email you and you can delete it here (by editing)

I'll tell you all about school and such! I live in the city, so I'm FOR SURE always up for meeting sometime! I love having someone to eat LC with! I met another girl from Chicago on here and we talk all the time and have plans too It's really nice to be able to talk about this cr&p with someone who gets it.

Talk to you soon!

[Samantha42]

Why do I keep running away from my journal??? I'd like to say "I'm back" but knowing me I'll post twice this week then won't be back again til September. Who am I kidding? I'm not taking this seriously. I'm not taking anything seriously! So I'm just going to post something I wrote on another thread and hope that somehow I get it thru my thick head that LCF, lowcarbing, and keeping a journal are all things that will direct my life in the direction I desire.

I'm not giving up!!!



I'm totally at fault for keeping it so quiet here

I've been lame-- lurking, quasi on-plan then quasi off-plan....

A few things to tell you guys!!

1) I met Emily on Monday! Like real life met Emily. And she is too cute. I hope she comes back and POSTS here We didn't take a pic like Loretta and Linda did, but one day we will

2) I'm doing ok.... I'm not taking this whole thing too seriously which upsets me. I met with my therapist last week and she made a few suggestions and now I feel like I'm letting her down! We didn't pick an exact start date but I feel guilty that I didn't start right away as soon as I left her office. Instead I've been going with the flow-- still eating tortilla chips, cheese, salads, some nuts & yogurt. Could it be worse? Obviously. But right now I'm trying to formulate a KISS based plan. I told her the only thing I know for sure makes me feel good is keeping it very simple-- no nuts, cheese, yogurt, etc. SO that is going to be the basis of my plan. One or 2 days I week I'm going to eat somewhat "more" which will follow more of an Atkins approach-- mayo, butter, yogurt, cheese and some nuts will be allowed.

3) I think the best thing for me to do (sometime soon) is to fast. I know so many people are against it but thinking back to the best times in my life-- the healthiest, most in control, and most motivated-- they usually started off with a fast. It's so much easier for me to go from a day of just water to eating just meat and veggies than it is to go from eating nuts, cheese etc. and cleaning it up. I keep making excuses. I keep saying TOMORROW. AND IM SO FRICKIN SICK OF IT.

My birthday is in a month and I am so angry at myself (which doesn't help, I realize)... because I already am thinking about how I can't really have a big party/outting with all my friends because I'm STILL TO SELF CONSCIOUS TO see some of my friends!!! I'm crazy.

I'm also insanely jealous right now over my best friend-- it's kinda a long story-- but basically she is becoming very close with my 2 best guy friends from highschool.... and it makes me mad because even though I talk to the guys a lot I am too uncomfortable to see them a lot and I go to ridiculous lengths to minimize seeing them (especially in bright lighting!)

So I'm angry with my friend in an extremely immature junior high school sort of way-- not just for kinda "stealing" my friends, but because it brings up my own insecurities with myself. I feel helpless, like I can't "fight" her for them because I'm frozen with panic. Instead I'm basically giving them to her and walking away because I would rather LOSE my friends (apparently) than see them face to face and have them realize (gasp!) that I am a total fata$s who has gained 60+ pounds since high school (only SEVEN years ago).

I'm venting here because I feel like I can't really explain this frustration to people in my "real" life. They think I'm ridiculous. They try to reassure me that I'm not FatFat and that I should be reaching out to these people instead of quietly cursing myself and being angry with my best friend.

Of course, I know they're right! The problem with being SO self conscious is that it works beyond rationale. I can't talk myself out of it. It's almost like a delusion except for the fact that I think it's warranted. (But then again, in delusions, those people also think they are warranted, so who am I to say that I'm not going a little bit crazy with my being paranoid). And I'm not even sure what I'm paranoid about! That (gasp!) people are going to talk about me behind my back?! They probably already do. Who friggin cares. Why am I so wrapped up in this stupid "I'm so fat, woe is me, I can't see people from highschool" ?!?

It's also a bit self-absorbed and I keep putting my own fears infront of other people's desires (ie refusing to go to certain restaurants that my family wants to go to, etc)

FURTHERMORE. I swore that during my 12 days off (which by the way, is 8 days OVER) I would start, fast, do KISS, and lose weight. I also said that I would read Good Calories Bad Calories through and through and highlight the importnat parts. Instead I read a total fluff book (which i greatly enjoyed) but which has nothing to do with eating healthy (It's the new Emily Giffin book-- Love The One You're With). I feel a bit guilty and at the same time relieved to have something else to do than obsess over weight, health, nutrition and my body. VOMIT.

I guess I should go start GCBC sometime soon-- otherwise I don't know when I'm going to get a chance. Think I can read the whole thing in 4 days?!


ENOUGH ABOUT MEEEEEEEEE--- how are YOU guys???!
__________________

[Samantha42]

It is Sunday, June 29th, which means that my "summer" is over and I go back to school tomorrow. My 12 days of summer were short-lived, busy, and yet completely unproductive in terms of weight loss. The most productive thing I did was laundry and changing my sheets-- yet I was always on the go, frivolously spending money, sitting in the sun, and eating.

I finally opened Good Calories Bad Calories, which is humorous, as I have had it since December. I remember thinking this book is going to change my life-- and then I let it sit on my coffee table for 6 months. Isn't it amusing that I'm beating myself up for not reading a serious, descript book-- as though in the meantime I wasn't enduring 6 months of medical school, nor taking the board exams. Perhaps if Gary's argumentative thesis regarding saturated fat was going to be on my upcoming exam, then my time would have been worthy spent on thumbing through his 500 page atom bomb.

Ah, I digress. There are pointless thoughts. The fact that I even had the book on my coffee table is a bold point: any other diet or nutrition book that I own (20-30 of them) is neatly stashed in hidden drawers or turned backwards on my shelf so no guest could tell that I was (gasp!) fat! Or worse! On a diet!

I regard Good Calories Bad Calories (known as 'GCBC' from here on out) as less of a diet book and more of a fancy science, nearly philosophical book. Thought to label it philosophical would be inappropriately suggesting that it is not based on hard fact, as though it were instead openly disputable due to some whimsical and non-concrete quality. I have an inkling that reading this book will solidify so many years of my own personal musings regarding health and nutrition. Yet, I still cling to the hope that somehow, this book will change my life. As though somehow it will stir me so greatly and uproot so many faulty ideas that in a matter of hours I will redirect my course and become the healthy, food conscious, argument savvy woman I envision myself being.

Ahh... these thoughts of mine. Sigh.

On another note, while I was home I went through old files that I had saved on disks after my last computer tonked out. The files dated back to the beginning of college-- which feels so long ago. Of note, I read my old journal, which I had used throughout the first year of college when I was binge eating my head off and gaining my supple 40 pounds. It was quite depressing to read, and at the same time, interesting to see the changes I have experienced since then. Namely, I feel much less hopeless and alone, and I have a better grasp on how to control my binge eating. Whether that's from years of on/off LCing, the metformin, or simple maturation, I'll never really know.

There were some sections that stuck out as things I'd want to remember and share by posting them here. So after much file conversion and copy/pasting, here they are:


My freshman year of college-- before I had ever taken a poetry class-- I was an awful, awful poet. Everything rhymed. Everything told and didn't show, directly violating the arbitrary ideal that poetry should portray a scenario that makes someone feel a certain way without directly coming out and stating the emotion. I violated all the rules. I'm pasting this poem not as a reflection of my immature writing, but because I am still so often plagued by the same sentiments-- the desperation, the despair, the inability to regain my composure. Binge eating by myself, brain fog, and desiring help.


"When I'm flaking and I'm miserable and I know nobody relates
So I'm half emptied and I'm lonely and I only see the hate
There I am, sick and spinning, desperate to be saved
And I'm trying to change direction but always end in the same place
So my honor has been stripped; I am weak and I am poor
I have found the only place I know and remember smiles no more
I'm at your feet—I'm begging you—I wouldn't if I wasn't this low
But I'm down so far I see no light and I can't deal with this anymore
If I told you who I was, what I am, and what I do
Would you promise to stand by me—would you promise to be true?
For I'm desperate and I'm crying, I am filled with this strange thing
It is not me here who is crawling, it's not me here that you see
If I could retrace my steps I wouldn't have gone so far astray
I'd be good and I'd be normal and then with me you would stay
You wouldn't run so far, you would hold me close and dear
You would stay with me and love me til this pain did disappear
If you care then as you say, please don't say I am ok
For I'm dying and you know it, and my life is not a game
I am crumbling, I am sorrow, I am all this combined in whole
I am here and I am pleading so now please don't let me go
I, too, once was strong, don't you remember? Say you do.
I was beautiful and I was hopefule—things I've lost by life so cruel
So remember when I was well and realize though I pretend
I am chocking, I am gasping as though my life was near its end
If you knew me then, you cared for me, you needed me as I was
Come to me—do try to rescue me—for now I need your love
I am a slave now to this misery, I try but fail on my own
Please pick me up, I'll love you so. Please help me to be whole.
"


There are so many hidden meanings that may be hard to understand (IE "flaking" refers to my severely dry, itchy skin, which is much worse when I eat high carb foods, and things I am allergic to).


Amusing that so many years later I still feel stuck, like I'm filled with something I can't shake which is taking me in a very negative direction. I hope that feeling subsides. I hope I can retrace my steps and get back to the place I want and NEED.

I am 200 pounds of goodness again. Oy vey. I don't just look fat, I feel fat. My bra snags my back in a way that it is no longer possible for me to hide my back fat. After eating a high-carbed meal last night I secretly unzipped my pants. It was leaving painful impressions in my stomach.

I know that's a bad way to end this post, but I'm feeling defeated and frustrated and I'd like to go watch a movie.

[cdn_gal]

Originally Posted by Samantha42

I know that's a bad way to end this post, but I'm feeling defeated and frustrated and I'd like to go watch a movie.

That is all...

[Samantha42]

So I started work on Monday and it has been crazy. The time goes by very quickly but I am under an extreme amount of stress. I really shouldn't be, since I'm a student it's not like my resident and attendings expect me to be stellar. But for some reason, no matter how much I try to talk myself down, I find myself having these mini-anxiety attacks throughout the day.

For about 2 hours every day I sit in a room with 3 other students, 2 interns, a senior and an attending doctor, and we go through all our patients and discuss the ones we've been assigned to. Then we make a plan (well, the senior and attending plan), and the other doctors interogate the students (like ask, what causes this disease, which meds should we do, what tests should we run). I'm on pediatrics and feel I don't know very much about kids. I also have a hard time reproducing things I KNOW out of thin air, as all other times learning things it was reading a book or SEEING the answer on a multiple choice exam. Totally different!

While I'm sitting at the round table during those 2 hours and I start thinking about how my turn is going to come up soon (though it can take up to an hour before my turn comes!), I start having crazy symptoms. My body gets really tense and hot... I can FEEL my heart beat in my neck and other places in my body. I have nausea and trembling of my hands.... I get restless and have a hard time concentrating on what other people are talking about. There is a good chance that my neck is bright red.....

I literally try to tell myself that there is nothing to fret over and worst case scenarios aren't that bad... but i cant control it!!! I try to count things or read something to distract me and calm me down. I take really deep breaths and try to pay attention to my breathing, but it doesn't help. I'm not sure if the doctors can tell.... as I try to keep my voice even and talk slowly when i go.... but I'm going crazy inside!!! I can only hope it gets better.

Also, since I'm on pediatrics now, all eating disorder patients are on my floor. We don't see them (psychiatry does), but the girls are always walking around and I frequently interact with them. The other day I had to take 2 of them for a 30 minute walk around the hospital, and it was nuts! We power-walked around the hospital for 30 minutes straight and I wouldn't be surprised if I walked over 2 miles. I was so hot in my white coat!!! The girls were very chatty and YOUNG (11 and 13), and it was so strange. The 13 year old was telling me about how she refuses to eat fat and at the center they make them eat 20% fat so she has to stuff herself with nuts and she hates it (can you IMAGINE having that problem?!? I eat bags and bags of nuts in 1 sitting! With joy!). I wanted to tell her that fat isn't bad for her and its really carbs but I would never do such a thing because in her warped mind she would then abstain from all fat AND all sugar and then probably die. Most of the girls there are 11-15 and just look like young girls, but not emaciated, as probably have just stunted their growth and look like normal, but thin 9 year-olds.

There is one girl there who is 26 and it's so sad to see. She IS emaciated. She has to move back in with her parents after treatment so they can take care of her. It's like she has completely regressed in life. I feel sorry for her but also a tad jealous as I am fat and want to lose weight

The moral of my story is that despite the fact that these girls aren't even my patients (and instead I have 4 year olds with sickle cell anemia who have had many many strokes), I am way more interested in eating disorder patients. No matter what shape or form it takes, I am OBSESSED with food, nutrition, weight and weight-loss.

At least this gives me some direction as to what field to pursue! I don't really want to be an eating disorder doctor, as I'd much rather help people lose weight than gain..... but still. It's direction none the less.