Low Carb Friends  
Netrition.com - Tools - Reviews - Faces - Recipes - Home


Go Back   Low Carb Friends > Inspiration and Wisdom > Weight Loss Journals
Register FAQ Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-25-2008, 09:21 AM   #301
Major LCF Poster!
 
meeha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,638
Gallery: meeha
Stats: 258/258/when it feels right
WOE: My Way
Start Date: 1/09/2014
Samantha
I was going to respond to you in the other thread (Rollar Coaster) but decided to come check out your journal.

I am all too familiar with some of what you posted recently, it can get extremely frustrating at times and you just want to hide from the world, you hate youself for "failing" again. Asking yourself why can't I get it right?

Believe me I've been there and still go there time from time, I fell off the wagon about a week or 2 ago, vowing NEVER to binge again blah, blah, blah I mean I was pumped and ready to move forward and this pass Saturday I did it again.

I cried and went through the whole hating myself but then I had to really look at myself and the big picture.

We're human and this is not easy although we know what needs to be done and have the tools to do it I think at times we can use that as a crutch. Like I know going back to Induction will give me fast results so although I try my hardest not to binge I know it's not the end of it.

I see you've met someone online but hesitant about meeting in person until you lose some more weight. Boy oh! boy I have been putting off a visit with my in laws b/c I'm not where I want to be espcially after my husband told them I had lost all of this weight so I don't want to go b/c I know they are expecting to see the difference.

I say all of this to say, from a person who know exactly where you're coming from. It's not going to be easy shoot even after we lose all the weight we want we are still going to have to work at it.

Don't hide from the world be apart of it, go and meet your online friend on your Spring Break. Plan your meals for the week and tell yourself you are going to make it and God forbid you fall off the wagon again well then just get up dust yourself off and get back on.

I wish you nothing but happiness and success and you're gonna do it!!!
__________________
12 Day Challenge
2/11/14- 258 lbs
2/12/14- 257 lbs
meeha is offline   Reply With Quote

Sponsored Links
Old 04-10-2008, 10:00 AM   #302
Senior LCF Member
 
InWonderland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Med school land...
Posts: 106
Gallery: InWonderland
WOE: K.I.S.S!
Start Date: Feb. '08
Hi Samantha!

Not sure if you even check this anymore, but hopefully you do! I started lurking around LCF a few months ago and yesterday found the Get off the Rollercoaster thread and read a few of your posts. Well, we're the same age and I felt like I related to some stuff you said so I checked out your journal...haven't read it all, just random posts throughout, but it's SCARY how alike we are!!

I, too, grew up on the North Shore of Chicago, I am starting Med school in the fall, and we actually kinda look alike too (including too-big boobs )! WEEEEIIIRD hahaha....seriously, though, I just related to so much of what you wrote and just wanted to say hey! Maybe we could chat sometime and see what else we have in common...

Hope things are going well in med school for you! (I'd love to pick your brain and see what I have in store!!) Hope to hear from you and see you on LCF soon. (Oh, and hope this doesn't sound stalker-ish :blush: hahaha)

Emily
InWonderland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2008, 03:08 PM   #303
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Emily-- How ironic! And not stalkerish at all!

I tried to PM you but you must be new or haven't posted a lot.... so it won't let me Start posting a lot! I can't believe we have so much in common... I saw you mention you were from HP (I think?) which is crazy. I'm always hesitant to really say where I'm from on LCF, but I'll just say, we probably grew up like... 5 minutes away from each other

You have also just confirmed my greatest fear that somehow people I know could find me on LCF and read my life story and how pathetic I am I'm kidding. Sorta :blush:

Tell me your med school plans! Where are you going to school? Where did you do undergrad? You can go ahead and pick my brain-- I feel like I could go on and on about weight, medical school, big boobs etc.

It's funny, we have similar stats, except that I'm a ****** and you've lost 21 pounds. Ahhh to be 162 again. I jealous.
__________________

Now Dr. Samantha42, thanks to this website.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2008, 05:32 PM   #304
Senior LCF Member
 
InWonderland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Med school land...
Posts: 106
Gallery: InWonderland
WOE: K.I.S.S!
Start Date: Feb. '08
Sam! Awesome to connect and good to know it wasn't stalkerish hahaha

I put my email address on the other thread so email me whenever (and/or gmail chat if you have it) so we can chat more. Yeah, I'm probably tooooo open with details here (I'm a clueless newbie oops!) but eh, I figure it's a pretty "safe" site (and mostly women) and....well I don't know I probably shouldn't! We HAVE to talk soon I can't wait to hear about school and everything else. Where do you go? I assume you live downtown? I'm still waiting to hear from one school (my first choice, of course) so cross your fingers for me!! Maybe we can be weight loss buddies and motivate each other and get together for some healthy low carb meals! Well it's better than 2am burritos and greasy Pokey sticks and other crap most of my (college) friends and I eat together!! Sooooo not helpful!

Oh, and no worries about people "finding" you here-- the way I see it, anyone who's on here in the first place who would see your posts has their own reasons/insecurities/whatever that they're worries about too. We're all in the same boat!! And that's what support is, right? No judgement! (Not like I'm PROUD of my jiggle...)

Talk to you soon! Email me!

Emily
InWonderland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2008, 06:11 PM   #305
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Emily--

Hey! I couldn't find your email address anywhere... would you be willing to just post it here? Then I'll email you and you can delete it here (by editing) :blush:

I'll tell you all about school and such! I live in the city, so I'm FOR SURE always up for meeting sometime! I love having someone to eat LC with! I met another girl from Chicago on here and we talk all the time and have plans too It's really nice to be able to talk about this cr&p with someone who gets it.

Talk to you soon!
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2008, 11:51 AM   #306
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Why do I keep running away from my journal??? I'd like to say "I'm back" but knowing me I'll post twice this week then won't be back again til September. Who am I kidding? I'm not taking this seriously. I'm not taking anything seriously! So I'm just going to post something I wrote on another thread and hope that somehow I get it thru my thick head that LCF, lowcarbing, and keeping a journal are all things that will direct my life in the direction I desire.

I'm not giving up!!!



I'm totally at fault for keeping it so quiet here

I've been lame-- lurking, quasi on-plan then quasi off-plan....

A few things to tell you guys!!

1) I met Emily on Monday! Like real life met Emily. And she is too cute. I hope she comes back and POSTS here We didn't take a pic like Loretta and Linda did, but one day we will

2) I'm doing ok.... I'm not taking this whole thing too seriously which upsets me. I met with my therapist last week and she made a few suggestions and now I feel like I'm letting her down! We didn't pick an exact start date but I feel guilty that I didn't start right away as soon as I left her office. Instead I've been going with the flow-- still eating tortilla chips, cheese, salads, some nuts & yogurt. Could it be worse? Obviously. But right now I'm trying to formulate a KISS based plan. I told her the only thing I know for sure makes me feel good is keeping it very simple-- no nuts, cheese, yogurt, etc. SO that is going to be the basis of my plan. One or 2 days I week I'm going to eat somewhat "more" which will follow more of an Atkins approach-- mayo, butter, yogurt, cheese and some nuts will be allowed.

3) I think the best thing for me to do (sometime soon) is to fast. I know so many people are against it but thinking back to the best times in my life-- the healthiest, most in control, and most motivated-- they usually started off with a fast. It's so much easier for me to go from a day of just water to eating just meat and veggies than it is to go from eating nuts, cheese etc. and cleaning it up. I keep making excuses. I keep saying TOMORROW. AND IM SO FRICKIN SICK OF IT.

My birthday is in a month and I am so angry at myself (which doesn't help, I realize)... because I already am thinking about how I can't really have a big party/outting with all my friends because I'm STILL TO SELF CONSCIOUS TO see some of my friends!!! I'm crazy.

I'm also insanely jealous right now over my best friend-- it's kinda a long story-- but basically she is becoming very close with my 2 best guy friends from highschool.... and it makes me mad because even though I talk to the guys a lot I am too uncomfortable to see them a lot and I go to ridiculous lengths to minimize seeing them (especially in bright lighting!)

So I'm angry with my friend in an extremely immature junior high school sort of way-- not just for kinda "stealing" my friends, but because it brings up my own insecurities with myself. I feel helpless, like I can't "fight" her for them because I'm frozen with panic. Instead I'm basically giving them to her and walking away because I would rather LOSE my friends (apparently) than see them face to face and have them realize (gasp!) that I am a total fata$s who has gained 60+ pounds since high school (only SEVEN years ago).

I'm venting here because I feel like I can't really explain this frustration to people in my "real" life. They think I'm ridiculous. They try to reassure me that I'm not FatFat and that I should be reaching out to these people instead of quietly cursing myself and being angry with my best friend.

Of course, I know they're right! The problem with being SO self conscious is that it works beyond rationale. I can't talk myself out of it. It's almost like a delusion except for the fact that I think it's warranted. (But then again, in delusions, those people also think they are warranted, so who am I to say that I'm not going a little bit crazy with my being paranoid). And I'm not even sure what I'm paranoid about! That (gasp!) people are going to talk about me behind my back?! They probably already do. Who friggin cares. Why am I so wrapped up in this stupid "I'm so fat, woe is me, I can't see people from highschool" ?!?

It's also a bit self-absorbed and I keep putting my own fears infront of other people's desires (ie refusing to go to certain restaurants that my family wants to go to, etc)

FURTHERMORE. I swore that during my 12 days off (which by the way, is 8 days OVER) I would start, fast, do KISS, and lose weight. I also said that I would read Good Calories Bad Calories through and through and highlight the importnat parts. Instead I read a total fluff book (which i greatly enjoyed) but which has nothing to do with eating healthy (It's the new Emily Giffin book-- Love The One You're With). I feel a bit guilty and at the same time relieved to have something else to do than obsess over weight, health, nutrition and my body. VOMIT.

I guess I should go start GCBC sometime soon-- otherwise I don't know when I'm going to get a chance. Think I can read the whole thing in 4 days?!


ENOUGH ABOUT MEEEEEEEEE--- how are YOU guys???!
__________________
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-29-2008, 03:02 PM   #307
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
It is Sunday, June 29th, which means that my "summer" is over and I go back to school tomorrow. My 12 days of summer were short-lived, busy, and yet completely unproductive in terms of weight loss. The most productive thing I did was laundry and changing my sheets-- yet I was always on the go, frivolously spending money, sitting in the sun, and eating.

I finally opened Good Calories Bad Calories, which is humorous, as I have had it since December. I remember thinking this book is going to change my life-- and then I let it sit on my coffee table for 6 months. Isn't it amusing that I'm beating myself up for not reading a serious, descript book-- as though in the meantime I wasn't enduring 6 months of medical school, nor taking the board exams. Perhaps if Gary's argumentative thesis regarding saturated fat was going to be on my upcoming exam, then my time would have been worthy spent on thumbing through his 500 page atom bomb.

Ah, I digress. There are pointless thoughts. The fact that I even had the book on my coffee table is a bold point: any other diet or nutrition book that I own (20-30 of them) is neatly stashed in hidden drawers or turned backwards on my shelf so no guest could tell that I was (gasp!) fat! Or worse! On a diet!

I regard Good Calories Bad Calories (known as 'GCBC' from here on out) as less of a diet book and more of a fancy science, nearly philosophical book. Thought to label it philosophical would be inappropriately suggesting that it is not based on hard fact, as though it were instead openly disputable due to some whimsical and non-concrete quality. I have an inkling that reading this book will solidify so many years of my own personal musings regarding health and nutrition. Yet, I still cling to the hope that somehow, this book will change my life. As though somehow it will stir me so greatly and uproot so many faulty ideas that in a matter of hours I will redirect my course and become the healthy, food conscious, argument savvy woman I envision myself being.

Ahh... these thoughts of mine. Sigh.

On another note, while I was home I went through old files that I had saved on disks after my last computer tonked out. The files dated back to the beginning of college-- which feels so long ago. Of note, I read my old journal, which I had used throughout the first year of college when I was binge eating my head off and gaining my supple 40 pounds. It was quite depressing to read, and at the same time, interesting to see the changes I have experienced since then. Namely, I feel much less hopeless and alone, and I have a better grasp on how to control my binge eating. Whether that's from years of on/off LCing, the metformin, or simple maturation, I'll never really know.

There were some sections that stuck out as things I'd want to remember and share by posting them here. So after much file conversion and copy/pasting, here they are:


My freshman year of college-- before I had ever taken a poetry class-- I was an awful, awful poet. Everything rhymed. Everything told and didn't show, directly violating the arbitrary ideal that poetry should portray a scenario that makes someone feel a certain way without directly coming out and stating the emotion. I violated all the rules. I'm pasting this poem not as a reflection of my immature writing, but because I am still so often plagued by the same sentiments-- the desperation, the despair, the inability to regain my composure. Binge eating by myself, brain fog, and desiring help.


"When I'm flaking and I'm miserable and I know nobody relates
So I'm half emptied and I'm lonely and I only see the hate
There I am, sick and spinning, desperate to be saved
And I'm trying to change direction but always end in the same place
So my honor has been stripped; I am weak and I am poor
I have found the only place I know and remember smiles no more
I'm at your feet—I'm begging you—I wouldn't if I wasn't this low
But I'm down so far I see no light and I can't deal with this anymore
If I told you who I was, what I am, and what I do
Would you promise to stand by me—would you promise to be true?
For I'm desperate and I'm crying, I am filled with this strange thing
It is not me here who is crawling, it's not me here that you see
If I could retrace my steps I wouldn't have gone so far astray
I'd be good and I'd be normal and then with me you would stay
You wouldn't run so far, you would hold me close and dear
You would stay with me and love me til this pain did disappear
If you care then as you say, please don't say I am ok
For I'm dying and you know it, and my life is not a game
I am crumbling, I am sorrow, I am all this combined in whole
I am here and I am pleading so now please don't let me go
I, too, once was strong, don't you remember? Say you do.
I was beautiful and I was hopefule—things I've lost by life so cruel
So remember when I was well and realize though I pretend
I am chocking, I am gasping as though my life was near its end
If you knew me then, you cared for me, you needed me as I was
Come to me—do try to rescue me—for now I need your love
I am a slave now to this misery, I try but fail on my own
Please pick me up, I'll love you so. Please help me to be whole.
"



There are so many hidden meanings that may be hard to understand (IE "flaking" refers to my severely dry, itchy skin, which is much worse when I eat high carb foods, and things I am allergic to).


Amusing that so many years later I still feel stuck, like I'm filled with something I can't shake which is taking me in a very negative direction. I hope that feeling subsides. I hope I can retrace my steps and get back to the place I want and NEED.

I am 200 pounds of goodness again. Oy vey. I don't just look fat, I feel fat. My bra snags my back in a way that it is no longer possible for me to hide my back fat. After eating a high-carbed meal last night I secretly unzipped my pants. It was leaving painful impressions in my stomach.

I know that's a bad way to end this post, but I'm feeling defeated and frustrated and I'd like to go watch a movie. :blush:
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-29-2008, 03:16 PM   #308
Daddy's Girl
 
cdn_gal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Vancouver Canuck Land!!!
Posts: 8,119
Gallery: cdn_gal
Stats: 230/152.3/145~~5'10
WOE: Dukan
Start Date: Sept9/08/May12/09
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha42 View Post
I know that's a bad way to end this post, but I'm feeling defeated and frustrated and I'd like to go watch a movie. :blush:

That is all...
cdn_gal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-2008, 06:24 AM   #309
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
So I started work on Monday and it has been crazy. The time goes by very quickly but I am under an extreme amount of stress. I really shouldn't be, since I'm a student it's not like my resident and attendings expect me to be stellar. But for some reason, no matter how much I try to talk myself down, I find myself having these mini-anxiety attacks throughout the day.

For about 2 hours every day I sit in a room with 3 other students, 2 interns, a senior and an attending doctor, and we go through all our patients and discuss the ones we've been assigned to. Then we make a plan (well, the senior and attending plan), and the other doctors interogate the students (like ask, what causes this disease, which meds should we do, what tests should we run). I'm on pediatrics and feel I don't know very much about kids. I also have a hard time reproducing things I KNOW out of thin air, as all other times learning things it was reading a book or SEEING the answer on a multiple choice exam. Totally different!

While I'm sitting at the round table during those 2 hours and I start thinking about how my turn is going to come up soon (though it can take up to an hour before my turn comes!), I start having crazy symptoms. My body gets really tense and hot... I can FEEL my heart beat in my neck and other places in my body. I have nausea and trembling of my hands.... I get restless and have a hard time concentrating on what other people are talking about. There is a good chance that my neck is bright red.....

I literally try to tell myself that there is nothing to fret over and worst case scenarios aren't that bad... but i cant control it!!! I try to count things or read something to distract me and calm me down. I take really deep breaths and try to pay attention to my breathing, but it doesn't help. I'm not sure if the doctors can tell.... as I try to keep my voice even and talk slowly when i go.... but I'm going crazy inside!!! I can only hope it gets better.

Also, since I'm on pediatrics now, all eating disorder patients are on my floor. We don't see them (psychiatry does), but the girls are always walking around and I frequently interact with them. The other day I had to take 2 of them for a 30 minute walk around the hospital, and it was nuts! We power-walked around the hospital for 30 minutes straight and I wouldn't be surprised if I walked over 2 miles. I was so hot in my white coat!!! The girls were very chatty and YOUNG (11 and 13), and it was so strange. The 13 year old was telling me about how she refuses to eat fat and at the center they make them eat 20% fat so she has to stuff herself with nuts and she hates it (can you IMAGINE having that problem?!? I eat bags and bags of nuts in 1 sitting! With joy!). I wanted to tell her that fat isn't bad for her and its really carbs but I would never do such a thing because in her warped mind she would then abstain from all fat AND all sugar and then probably die. Most of the girls there are 11-15 and just look like young girls, but not emaciated, as probably have just stunted their growth and look like normal, but thin 9 year-olds.

There is one girl there who is 26 and it's so sad to see. She IS emaciated. She has to move back in with her parents after treatment so they can take care of her. It's like she has completely regressed in life. I feel sorry for her but also a tad jealous as I am fat and want to lose weight

The moral of my story is that despite the fact that these girls aren't even my patients (and instead I have 4 year olds with sickle cell anemia who have had many many strokes), I am way more interested in eating disorder patients. No matter what shape or form it takes, I am OBSESSED with food, nutrition, weight and weight-loss.

At least this gives me some direction as to what field to pursue! I don't really want to be an eating disorder doctor, as I'd much rather help people lose weight than gain..... but still. It's direction none the less.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2009, 01:23 PM   #310
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Posting old posts so I can find them easily in the future when I lose this feeling and can't remember:

1/15/09:
My days have been pretty long this week (~530-530) so I'm quite tired and go to bed at 8 or 9pm. I haven't deviated from plan, though, and I was getting quite frustrated with my weights. I had a low of 190.0 this weekend, and from there it went back UP a bit over a pound even though I was eating just as well. I wanted to give up. But I kept going despite not seeing a loss in 4-5 days and when I got home a bit ago I weighed at 190! So assuming my dinner is sensible I might make the 180s tomorrow!

I'm dehydrated though, I think. Only had ~3 cups today... mostly herbal tea. I'm afraid to drink water since I go to surgeries all day and you can't leave to pee once you've scrubbed in.

I cannot wait for the weekend. I want to workout, go out, sleep in, and catch up on work. And lose weight! My next mini-goal is 187. I want to see that number soon!


Thanks, Linda, for mentioning that boy. It's been on my mind a lot and it is making me panicky for no good reason except for the sheer awkwardness of the whole matter. I guess I can tell you guys the story, I just know once I start typing it 1) it makes me look kinda bad and 2) it becomes epic in length. Whatever. Maybe I need to tell the whole story just so I can make sense of it. I have a huge huge unhealthy crush on a guy who is not worthy and I need to get over it--- here goes!:



A few years ago (spring of 2007) I met a guy from my medical school who I thought may have been hitting on me. I wrote about it here, at LCF, saying, "There may have been 1 guy hitting on me. I'm not even sure since it has been, UM, so long. (makes me miss me ex, who I almost drunk texted, PS how old am I?!?!) He's not a typical guy I would go for, but lets be honest, I'm trying to be less discriminative and more open, so maybe this is a good thing?"

We became friendly around this time, but just as acquaintances, and we had friends in common so once in a while saw each other out.

About a month after that we went to a post-exam bar party, where I still remember the outfit I wore to the bar-- I was 187 pounds (maybe THAT's why it's a magic number for me??!) and I felt very confident. I had become quite the intoxicated and my best friend from highschool was there and knew I had a mini-crush on this guy. I went up to him and boldly told him that I thought he was intriguing and I wanted to know him better. It was pretty mild and harmless but I still felt like I was taking a risk. When my highschool friend left, *he* and I ended up sitting at a table and talking for a long time. We took a cab home with a bunch of people and in the cab we were being very flirty-- kinda biting/holding hands. Long story short--- we went back to his apartment (with other people) and somehow ended up alone in his bedroom (with the door open) just talking and I was looking through his room. I found a picture of him with a girl and when I asked who it was he replied "my girlfriend".

I nearly vomited. I expected him to have somehow told me that earlier, but he hadn't. He also said "it's long distance and complicated". So we continued to sit and talk and whatnot and out of NOWHERE he kissed me. More than once. So I said--- not the best idea-- and we went back and joined the other people. In the end of the night, we ended up staying awake til 7am, alone, kissing, talking, and that was all.

You'd think that would be all except that I am not a casual kisser and in the first place, I LIKED him, so this did not help.

Naturally, 2 weeks after this happened his girlfriend (OF TEN YEARS) was in town INTERVIEWING for a job so she could RELOCATE and move in with this guy. So, apparently, not such a complicated relationship after all! That summer she moved in with him. Kinda end of story.

Now, for the past 1.5, nearly 2, years I have been madly in lust with this guy who is also a good friend of mine. We spend a lot of time together but it is ALWAYS with other people (including his girlfriend) and we became quite normal, though I never felt I acted like myself around him. His relationship with his GF seems very strange and distant to me, but they seem quite content and I see no signs of breakup.

Very well. I should move on. I joined match.com a year ago for 6 months, went out with 2 guys and it was not for me. The guys I like most are the ones I *know* before I date. I am awkward and anxious around people I am not comfortable with. I am also not comfortable with my size and appearance which makes it very hard to blind date. Too much anxiety.

So boy and I never really talk about what happened except for once, when again, were both drunk, and he said he didn't regret it but that it shouldn't have happened or something like that. That was a long time ago.

Now, this past weekend, I went out Friday night and ended up at a bar alone with him. We are never alone. He had been drinking but I'm not sure how much. We ended up talking at the bar for a while, dancing a little (so weird), and came back to my apartment to drink/hang out. He stayed here til 7am (AGAIN) and at first it was super appropriate and friendly. I felt so at ease and comfortable, it was like, for the first time I was truly myself around him. And I felt very likeable and smooth (plus I was wearing self tanner and felt THINNER which always helps). For the last hour of his being here we were extremely flirty and touchy--- holding hands... kissing hands... almost bizarre flirting (tease biting, just being goofy), but it clearly crossed the line. He left before anything got serious.

And now. I. Am. Not. Happy. It was a perfect night and now everything is awkward. I work in a hospital and the other day I was on a floor looking for a resident and I SAW him at a table and I immediately turned around and ran away before he could see me. I get butterflies in my stomach. I feel sick. I know he doesn't like me (at all), as he has had ample opportunity to make an effort and he hasn't. We had a run in yesterday that was brief and he couldn't even make eye contact. I know he is filled with regret. I know the last 1.5 years of building a friendship may have been completely shot. I feel like I'm back to square one. It makes me feel bad about myself, fat and unlovable, though I know it is completely him... that he, in essence, is the bad guy here (should one of us have to be deemed "the bad guy"). I'm also very angry because I want him to act differently. I want him to like me.

I haven't dated anyone seriously since 2006. I'm 25 years-old. I feel a little bit pathetic and a lot a bit overweight, as I believe that is the root of my problems (see! this story is LC related!!!!). 1) It makes me lack confidence, so I don't pursue people and don't stand out as someone to BE pursued. 2) I assume that he doesn't like me because he isn't attracted to me, since I KNOW our personalities mesh very well.




That's all. I know it's so petty. And unrelated. And trashy girl book-esque... but it's on my mind and I don't talk to many people about it because after so much time, I'm sure it annoys them to hear about it! It annoys me just thinking about it!



1/17/09:
Thank you, everyone, for your comments!!! When I posted that (ridiculous) post about the guy I like, I felt embarrassed and wasn't expecting to get such kind, thoughtful responses!

I appreciate all the "motherly" advice... I really do. I know retrospect often has better insight than the present, and so I take everything you guys say to heart, simply because you all have had many experiences and are so kind to share them with me and respond to me.

I was feeling very down about the whole thing (the aftermath) as I had assumed the he was too drunk to remember anything, didn't really like me, and that he was ashamed of what had happened. I guess in my mind I feel like I'm an embarrassment in a way, I know that seems weird, but I assume the next day he would be thinking "what the heck was I thinking?!" Clearly I have confidence issues and I'm trying to work on that, bit by bit.

Last night we went out to a bar again (common theme, I'm trying to stay outgoing and social when I do have the time). His girlfriend was not there and he was being somewhat flirty with me (in front of people this time!?!), but nothing happened, and I was being a bit standoffish though still friendly. At the end of the night we ended up getting a drink at the bar together, away from our friend, and immediately he brought up last week and said we should talk about it. So we talked about it for about 20 minutes, and it seriously changed my perspective on the whole situation because it disproved all the things I mentioned above.

First off, he remembers everything. He remembers all that happened 2 years ago, he remembers talking about it once when he told me he "couldn't go any further", and he remembers everything from last week. He also told me that in no way did he regret it, that if he didn't really want to stay over he wouldn't have, that he was sober at the end of the night, and that he thinks I am great. So this already disproved everything I had previously thought. He ALSO told me this is the first time this has happened since he started dating his girlfriend (TWELVE years ago), which in a bizarre way makes me feel very special, since I am sure he has had ample opportunity. And lastly, and most importantly, he stressed that he thought I was great, that we get along well, and that he wishes we could be very close friends. I told him that would be unlikely because 1) you can't have a very close girl friend when you have a GIRLFRIEND and 2) I really don't want to run the risk of starting to like him since he is very unavailable, and that we always seem to cross the line when we try to be friends. (See how I pretended like I didn't already like him? A bit manipulative/lying in a way but I don't care). I also told him I felt ambivalent towards him because on the one hand I think he's great and wish we could be very good friends, and on the other hand I told him that I had major potential for starting to like him and that would be bad. And he said he understood but that this "bummed him out" because he really likes being around me and doesn't really want to stop.

At the end of the convo we were trying to come to some sort of "agreement" to, in essence, establish the parameters of our relationship. But we didn't really come to a conclusion.... so the night ended a bit flirtatiously (hand on leg in cab), and that was it.

And now I feel so much better. If this is the last time we have any sort of "above friends" encounter I will be satisfied because I know that I mattered and now I know that he actually did have somewhat of feelings for me and that he remembers it all. I just don't feel as down on myself! This is potential closure. I spoke with my mom about it and told her this is going to be fuel for me to start bettering myself, losing weight, and dating. She said something like-- like best thing I can do is date even though all I want is him because it will either lead me to finding someone better than him and get me off of him, or it will make him jealous and he will decide he is madly in love with me, and he will be with me I have to admit, the thought of bringing a good-looking, good guy out with me to the bar in front of "Mr Simple" (my nickname for him), makes me feel very good. I don't really want to play games but I also don't want him to feel like he is entirely in control of this situation.

In other words, I'm moving onwards and upwards, somehow.

With all that has happened these past few weeks, with my recent weightloss and ketosis streak, I feel like I'm in a very good place right now. I am back in the 180s, hopefully for good, I have energy, a flatter tummy, and my face is starting to look like my face again. I know this is going to be a slow process, but it's only January! How many times has it been May and summer is just around the corner and I have weighed 200 pounds and all my high hopes for bathing suit/boy meeting season are shot to the ground. I have time now. I feel very at ease and comfortable with that. I have been on plan since January 1st with the exception of some graham crackers (once), tortilla chips w/ rice & beans (once), and the gross hydrogenated peanut butter (3-4 times?). Oh, and about 9,234,719 Miller Lites, 38,249 glasses of wine, and 4,328 hard-liquor drinks. I can live with that!

I was 187.4 today---- completely SKIPPED 189 and 188 simply because I'm dehydrated from alcohol. I had my choco-eggs this morning and am drinking lots of water, but I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back up a few pounds.... but still... seeing that new low number just makes me feel all that much better. The pair of boots I bought January 2nd which won't fit over my left calf is now completely zipped up and, even though I'm losing circulation to my feet, I know they will fit me soon. That's the story of my life right now
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2009, 01:26 PM   #311
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
1/1/09

Hi all-- marking my spot.

I can't believe it's January 1st, 2009. I don't feel ready. I ate pretty well today and feel I'm on the road back to ketosis but the road seems a bit long and daunting.

I am probably back at my high weight... or somewhere around there.

I didn't exercise today but I will start tomorrow. I plan to start running again as I did before.

Also plan on drinking less alcohol, getting more sleep, and sacrificing time/sleep/tv to stay on track w/ exercise, cooking, and grocery shopping for quality foods. My health and my body are the most important things in my life. I'm sick of waiting around for them to improve when I have almost complete control over it.



My reunion with the friend went fine. Dinner, wine and she came back to the condo to see my family. It was nice and we bonded. I did still feel self-conscious though. She says she is coming to Chicago in May and I hope by then I lose a lot of weight. I WISH I would be at goal by then... but trying to be rational here....

Went shopping with my Mom today and was trying to find a new winter coat. Should not have done it with my mom....as I'm PLUS size and it's embarrassing to be trying on clothes/sizes around her.

She gained weight over the vacation too---- she is in the 100s now. Vomit. Gag. And here I am, likely in the 200s. I officially weigh twice the amount my Mom weighs. She needs to gain and I need to lose.

My resolution to be confident... I meant it at the time. But the truth is, I can't do it without the weight loss.... so I'm just going to try and live my life comfortably as I can at my given confidence level, and hope with time and my 2009 health/body transformation, the rest will fall into place.

So, my goals are still to lose weight; here are my resolutions.

1) Lose weight-- get to 150 by "summer" (June-ish), 130s by "fall"
-by following LC-- Atkins style with less dairy, nuts and cheese
-Basically, induction with addition of shiritaki, 85% Lindt (max 2 squares daily, and LC protein shakes, and raw walnuts)
-Try to record menus or post them here daily

2) Exercise-- run! (May do couch to 5k or other training, or make up my own schedule, like 5 miles the first week and add a mile every week)
-goal workouts 4-5 days a week. Goal 5 x 30 minutes- 1 hour.
-Run the neighborhood 10k over July 4th!

3) Sleep, floss. Take care of myself. Less TV, more social time.
4) Less alcohol..... maybe don't drink alone?
5) Read & write more.

Today:
B: 4 oz skirt steak, 2 squares 85% Lindt
L/D: 1 rib, 3 chicken wings, ranch, 3 pieces brisket, 1/2 cup coleslaw
S: 2 handfuls cashews (~2 oz)
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2009, 01:27 PM   #312
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
1/2/09:

I think you are right, in that I lack confidence, and am awaiting "perfection" as the end-all-be-all of my life. Until then, I am partly sitting on the sidelines, watching the opportunities to do things instead of participating in them. I whole heartedly agree with that.

It's hard. On the one hand, I want to live my life *now* and on the other hand, my confidence will NEVER be as good as it could be until I lose weight and feel good about myself. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed, and I do completely care what other people think of me when they see me. It is overwhelming and exasperating. But only part of it is mental (self-conscious, insecure) and part of it is real (I am technically obese, and do look 50+ pounds heavier than most people remember me).

I think the goal is to be happy with where you are at, but knowing that you could even improve upon that with healthy weightloss and taking care of one's body. I need to find a better medium in terms of being content with myself "the way I am", and still striving to be better while feeling more confident with every pound lost. Right now my confidence database is low, and the best thing I can do to change that is to take care of ME. I am hoping my sleep, tea, sun-light, st. john's wort, moderate exercise and ketosis will not only transform me in the long run but will also make me feel *good* about myself in the short run. I'm not sure how else I can accept myself as I am right now, because I am very unhappy with weighing 200 pounds. And no matter how much I tell myself that I am worthy and loved and still beautiful, if I ran into one of my exboyfriends on the streets of Chicago i would die of shame, or hide, or expel mass quantities of vomit.

I am that insecure.

I hope we can all find a medium in our lives where we are content with ourselves, yet still striving to improve. We all deserve it. This year is the year for us!


I didn't workout today (so, technically, have yet to workout in 2009). My goal was 4-5 days a week, so I am hoping this week I can finish up with 4 days of working out. I'm also considering starting the 4-5 days/week on Monday, as it's hard to add up the days on my calendar when it doesn't start on a new week. I am making excuses. I should start working out. But I'm not ketotic yet and I don't have "the drive". You know what I'm talking about? I'm trying to be comfortable with waiting until I am in ketosis before I start working out, and not beat myself up over that.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2009, 01:28 PM   #313
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
12/01/08:

UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH

I am back to the low low low of being re-addicted to carbs and unable to break the cycle. I am back to my "baseline" being sad and being surprised when I'm actually smiling. I am back to thinking that I can't really do this and that at my baseline I'm like this, and a failure. I only lost maybe 10 pounds in 2 months and then carb creep came and I'm probably back up 7 of 'em. Who knows? I refuse to weigh. I'm back to thinking my goals are imposssssible as of this point. The pictures from Saturday night make me look grossly obese and disgusting and I'm ashamed that I ever thought I looked "cute" that night. Realistically, I probably look the fattest I have ever looked.

I know it's quick to change if I stopped wallowing in my self-misery and started applying myself to eating super low carb. But I continue to wallow. I continue to eat. I felt so gross and lethargic when I woke up this morning. I hate this feeling and I'm not sure why I CHOOSE to do this to myself over and over.

I'm on call sleeping at the hospital tomorrow night which is going to make this THAT much harder. I'm half considering taking a phentermine pill tomorrow morning to get me through the day. Otherwise... I need some major fasting/fluid/meat/egg.

hfashdflhasdljkvhrt iaeusdhtlksdjhnfldksjnfj,cxbfladjkshfiladskjhflidk shj


That's my frustration. In a nutshell !
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2009, 01:29 PM   #314
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
12/2/08:

Thank you all for your kind, kind words. Sometimes I forget what a wonderful support system I have here in my little LCF niche.

I read some of the posts this morning before work-- and it really did make me feel a bit better. Tracy was right when she said that part of being strong is admitting when you're weak and STILL COMING here. So please please I hope all of you do the same. I know in the past when I have gone astray I disappear from here. I never intend to do that again!

I didn't weigh this morning and I'm sure I was 197+. I took 1/2 of an old phentermine pill (very old... sad) and had some tea for breakfast and within a few hours I was peeing like crazy and felt much better/slimmer already. I did end up fasting today and I'm glad I did it. I was thumbing through my old weight-loss "books" and saw how a day or two of water fasting often kick started my greatest weight-loss streaks, or got me back on plan when I had completely lost it. I feel so much better already and am more optimistic.

I weighed tonight and am ~194-- so I'll probably weigh in around 192/193... which for one day is probably like 4 pounds of water peeeed out I can't wait to be back in the 180s, and I WILL be there soon. And I WILL be in the 170s come the end of December!! I JUST KNOW IT!!! I'm going to kick arse.

Thank you all again. I'm BAAAAAAAACK
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2009, 04:39 PM   #315
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
I have been very absent Both here and in my real life! When I'm not in ketosis I am in constant brain-fog and I go through life exhausted, unmotivated and withdrawn.

Last night on the biggest loser they had the "at home" contestants weigh-in. (In the first episode the teams were split and half and 1 person was sent home to continue for 30 days before returning to the ranch). Normally when watching the biggest loser I am in awe of the amount of pounds these people lose in a week, but I realize that it's unrealistic for me. Now here are people who actually did it at HOME, while living their lives! And they lost anywhere from 2-25 pounds....

So I thought, if I could just give myself 30 days to get back on track and be clean, eating the foods I know make me feel good, how much better would I feel?! I'm going to start a 30-day challenge for myself, posting here, and I'm committing to posting everyday....

Starting weight: 194.8 UGGG.

Starting breakfast: 2 squares Lindt (100 calories, 4 carbs)
+ protein shake (EAS 110 calories)
L: salad + ranch + turkery burgers (a lot, a lot)
D: same as L, plus walnuts w/ SF chocolate sauce, cream cheese

Overall calories: a lot.

Am I delusional to keep considering 2 squares of 85% Lindt to be part of my induction phase???
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-05-2009, 07:49 AM   #316
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
193.4 (-1.4 from yesterday)

Feeling somewhat better. My non-ketotic self slept for 12 hours last night. Though I seemed to wake up every hour from 4am onward.

Yesterday was basically a LC binge day. Not really, but with the ranch, and salads, and turkey burgers, and walnuts, and cream cheese, and regular cheese, I'm sure my numbers were UP THERE.

I'm trying to not care how high my calories are these next few days, I just want ketosis to kick in, and then I'll control myself more!

Spending the day studying--- always hard to do when I cant THINK, second to brain fog, second to CARBS. The bane of my existence.

After next Friday I have a 2-week "vacation". If I was hardcore, I would make it really count. Work-out everyday... eat well... see friends. If I'm not ketotic I can envision those 2 weeks--- beer, TV, carbs, lamenting, crying.

I know it's my choice how I live my life, but sometimes I feel I have lost control over things, and I am powerless to total gluttony.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-05-2009, 08:46 AM   #317
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Would it be ridiculous for me to order dresses online that won't fit me until I lose 50 pounds, as "goals"? Or will they just sit in my closet for the next 20 years?

I think these are so cute!! Or too hoochie? I can't tell how they would actually look on my body-type. Then again, what IS my body type, aside from "fat" right now?
Attached Images
File Type: jpg CurtainClosedBlkXA.jpg (85.1 KB, 8 views)
File Type: jpg FittedBlueXB.jpg (95.0 KB, 8 views)
File Type: jpg StayWithYouTealXM.jpg (90.8 KB, 11 views)
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2009, 11:15 AM   #318
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Didn't weigh this morning (so early, and cold!)... Worked 6:30-1pm... have to go back in for an overnight from 630pm-7am tomorrow Talk about ruining my weekend.

Had a glass of champagne with dinner last night, and man did I feel guilty for everything! Ate a lot of fried calamari appetizer, had vesuvio salmon as meal, which would be LC if not smothered in peas! I'm expecting I'm up a little..... but I didn't weigh and probably won't get the chance to officially do so until Sunday after my call night.

I do love the dresses above.... but still can't decide if I should be splurging on something that DOESNT EVEN FIT
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2009, 09:56 AM   #319
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
193.0. Very salty food last night! Got so thirsty. So let's say, I'm really about 7 pounds less... it's water weight
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-20-2009, 08:55 PM   #320
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Well... made it 3 days since I abandoned the journal/thread idea. Not quite the 30 I had intended. <<Echem>>

I'm seemingly back to-- on plan one month, off plan one month, wash & repeat plan, and I don't like it at all.

I'm finally on an "up swing" would could mean a good month coming on, or it could be just a minor peak in the deviant cycle that is the bad month (or bad year, let us be honest here). I love how philosophical I'm getting over a stupid fr*ckin' diet. It's like weight loss = my life, and that's all I'm able to measure my life with. A number on the scale. This is what my life has come to.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2009, 12:10 PM   #321
Senior LCF Member
 
sweetie_pie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 779
Gallery: sweetie_pie
Stats: 249.5/228/165
WOE: Atkins / low carb
Start Date: May 2010/re-start Feb 20. 2012
Hey Miss Sam,
Yes, I'm stalking your diary
Just wanted to tell you how much I admire your strength (yes, STRENGTH), and your determination. You have accomplished so much in your short years, & I admire that you continue to pick yourself up, time & time again.

You're an incredible woman. I hope you know that!

Wishing you a wonderful day !!
sweetie_pie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2009, 02:05 PM   #322
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Somehow I forgot to respond to your ever-so-sweet post, Steph... :blush: Thank you for posting that. I appreciated it at the time, and I am still thinking of you! I do keep reading your posts on the other thread, and I'm glad to see things have been looking up You deserve it.



I played 6 games of softball yesterday in a multi-medical school tournament. It was chilly out but sunny, and I got some color. Today my body is in so much pain. My legs and abs... neck and arms. Every part of me is sore and it feels nice. It makes me feel strong. I miss the days when I was younger and losing weight and working out like a fiend. When I would get out of the car and feel my legs were painfully sore and still so strong when I stood up. I felt lean and energized. I wanted to take the stairs. I wanted to run.

How exactly do I get back to that place?

In 2 weeks I'm done with this bullcr*p of a rotation (surgery) and I won't have to wake up at 4am everyday for my 14 hour or 30 hour days. It'll be more of a 9-5 situation and no more "on-call" overnights every 4th night. I get my sleep and sanity back! April 24th is my last day of surgery, and I'm already plotting my next big move (as usual). As in, how do I lose as much weight as physically possible (and healthfully) by summer?

June 20/21 I am going somewhere where I am certain I will see people from highschool... exboyfriend, exfriends, the whole lot. And I am filled with panic at the thought of running into people as my 200 pound obese self. Part of me is already contemplating how I will bail. What will I tell my friends, what disaster can I plan out (I'm 'sick' etc). I am NOT BAILING. I have 10 weeks until then...... 10 weeks can do so much.

My next "big move" as I so called it, involves me and the 8 weeks of 9-5 work before my weekend of anxiety. If I'm used to waking up at 4 to work at 5, wouldn't it be so easy to wake up at 6 for work at 9? I could workout for 1-2 hours EVERY morning... just like "the good old days" when I was thin and lean and strong and sore. This is how I have been plotting.

Back to my pathetic self with chart planning and figure graphs.... if I love xx pounds a week how thin can I be by the upcoming doom of that terrifying June weekend.... here is what I have thus far:

if I lose 2 pounds a week from now until then I can be 175.
if I lose 2.5 pounds a week from now until then I can be 170.
if I lose 3 pounds a week from now until then I can be 165 !!!

All of those numbers sound fantastic.

Am I delusional? If I really decide to change my life, couldn't I do a mini-biggest loser challenge for myself and lose one of the above amounts?

Or am I going too keep being pathetic... eating 6 oz of walnuts smothered in 3 oz of cheese while thinking I'm going to get somewhere with my weightloss goals....?

What do I do, to shake up the weight loss rut, while still being healthy, sane, and practical?

Everything runs through my mind. Run 3 miles a day. Replace a meal with a shake. Atkins. Stillman's. M/E. Water. Nutrisystem. Medifast. I can't come up with anything because I am so removed from a true plan. Right now my plan is 85% Lindt, EAS shakes, salads with chicken and cheese and avocadoes and ranch dressing and walnuts which are probably 600 calories a bowl.... eggs and bacon. Eggs and sausage. The gross kinds of bacon and sausage too... probably with MSG and most definitely with nitrites. When did I stop caring about those things? My holistic, clean, whole-foods self has changed simply by habit, and I need a rude awakening to start caring again.

I'm pulling the same old "I'm angry with myself" and I want to hit myself silly until I get back to where I was 7-8 years ago when health, food and exercise was my life. Health, food and exercise are STILL my life, in the sense that they consume my energy and thoughts and time... but they don't actually consume me physically because I choose not to follow the things I *want* to be following. I am, in essence, not in accordance between my mind and body.

As I continue to overthink.


Last weekend I went to breakfast with my Mom. I was very tired and talking as though I were drunk because of it. Being too open, I was telling my mom about my weight loss struggles... how over the years I have composed 50+ "schedules" of if I lose xxx pounds a week I can be xxx pounds by July 4th! By my birthday! By new years day!!!!

Her response? "Clearly your schedules aren't working for you".

My lack of weight loss has nothing to do with my schedules. Rather, I don't meet my scheduled goals simply because I am choosing not to lose weight. I have lost the spark. I still have all the reasons to lose weight, the desire to be thin, the need to feel beautiful and liked.... I just lost the ability to tell myself how to do it.

I'm floundering. I'm tired. Fighting with my Dad over the fact that I bailed on 2 family events this week because I was either tired, working, or studying.... which to him is not valid. Which makes me feel bad because I don't want my dad to be mad at me, but also makes me angry because he has such high expectations. I can only do so much with where I am and with what I have. He would be much MORE disappointed if I wasn't taking this difficult path and wouldn't be able to tack the M.D. on to my last name. I know he cares. It's like a bragging right for him. So he can suck it right now while I deal with the worst 2 month schedule EVER.

Tomorrow is my last overnight for the 2 months... my 10th one. Thank goodness!!!!!


If I don't have stretch marks now, will I have them when I lose weight?

Given that I probably eat >3,000 calories a day right now and am maintaining my weight, is it that hard to think I can lose 2-3 pounds a week for 10 weeks straight?

Who really even cares? If I only lose 10 pounds I'll still feel so much better.

I still like that guy. I want him to go away. I am still convinced that if I weighed 120 pounds he would be in love with me.

I am obsessed with the show Intervention.

I am clearly writing here like this is my 6th grade diary. It's much easier than starting a silly blog that nobody will read anyway

I'll stop now. Seriously.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2009, 08:50 PM   #323
Blabbermouth!!!
 
Potaty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 7,168
Gallery: Potaty
Stats: 227high/227now/150goal
WOE: LC + Exercise
Start Date: July 2013 (this time, LOL)
Samantha! I am so happy to see you back here!

Have you considered doing the Medi-Weight loss clinics? My former OB just opened one and they are becoming very popular! They are run by MDs and it is a low cal/low fat/low carb plan. You also go in and get injections for energy. I don't know a ton about it since I haven't done it (I just asked her a ton of questions about it). She lost over 100 lbs. in a year doing it! There is a Medi group here on LCF if you want to read a little more about it.

I don't know your $$ situations with you being in medical school, but I do know it is a little pricey, but I don't think it's any more pricey than, say, Jenny Craig.

You are right, your plans aren't working for you. You and I have very similar brains, in that we love to make charts and plan things out, but then our follow through just sucks. I really hope you find something that lights your fire again, it is just so hard!

For me, it was/is becoming a mom. I want to be a fit, active mom that is involved, not just sitting on the sidelines cheering. By a miracle of God, I only gained 21 lbs. with Tucker's pregnancy and ended up less than I was before I got pg with him. With this pregnancy, I have lost 5 so far and am now 19 weeks. Pregnancy kind of took away my "diet" mentality and for the first time in YEARS I just eat normally. No "Last Suppers" where I binge because I am starting my diet tomorrow.

I am just blabbing, but I wanted to let you know I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to!
Potaty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2009, 12:46 PM   #324
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Katy--

I can't believe you're pregnant... again!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!

And for not gaining any weight yet... you are amazing. I'm glad you have found something that is working for you.

I looked at that Medi-weightloss clinic but there are none in Illinois I got kinda excited there. I'm not sure if joining something will change things for me, but I am hoping that it will. I need some sort of jolt! Do you know of any other programs that are also LC?

I am so glad to see how well you are doing. Stay and keep chatting with me
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2009, 05:08 PM   #325
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
The wallowing ensues.

Without sleep I am without sanity.

I came home from work today at 5, made love to a 1/2 jar of peanut butter--- not even the natural kind... the full on hydrogenated kind. Watched 18 minutes of "Romeo & Juliet" on HBO (The Leonardo/Claire Danes one), and wept like I was 8 and someone just stole my Barbie.


The other day I taped a weightloss goal sheet (goal for 4/20 is 193) next to my computer, along with the OK Magazine with Tara from the Biggest Loser on the cover.

All I feel is guilt when I look at them. Guilt. Horror. Panic.

Guilt that I am not her. That I am not following my timeline (or at least, am unlikely to do so). Guilt that I have wasted nearly 7 years of my life, my primetime life, to helpless submission, wavering confidence and insecurity.

Horror that I am still stuck in the cycle, albeit improved from my binge-eating days. That I am still so fat despite the various obstacles my weight has given me.

Panic that there are still so many things I have yet to do, which I am unwillingly to allow myself to do (see certain people, certain concerts, certain events). That the event in June is in JUNE and now is mid-April and I am barely fitting into any of my work clothes anymore. When I sit I feel new rolls. Or the same rolls expanded in new waves over my back. I feel uncomfortable and angry. And quite sad.

I am very sad right now. Even here, I am alone again. I have withdrawn myself from every thread I once belonged to. I'm pretty sure nobody even reads this and I might as well by starting a Word document on my computer instead... title it Dear Diary and not have it make a difference.

I realize this is temporary. I am tired, and I am crabby. Tomorrow I could be much better. But right now, this minute, this is where I am, and it is not enjoyable to say the least. I am sad.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2009, 07:49 PM   #326
Blabbermouth!!!
 
Potaty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 7,168
Gallery: Potaty
Stats: 227high/227now/150goal
WOE: LC + Exercise
Start Date: July 2013 (this time, LOL)
Dude, I am here with you, you aren't alone! I'm gonna give you some tough love here so don't be too mad:

First of all, what are you doing eating a half a jar of peanut butter???? If that is a trigger food for you, don't buy it! It doesn't matter if it is low carb, if it something that sets off a binge mentality then don't eat it. Period. Someone once described regular PB as PB flavored Crisco. Really, that's pretty much what it is and that made me never want to eat it again.

Second, I am thrilled to tell you that you are NOT in the prime of your life. The best is yet to come! I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me that in my 20s, but it's true! I look back on my 20s and of course I wish I had lived them in a more attractive body, but nothing compares to the experiences I've had being a mother. In fact, I would say I have the best self confidence I've had in probably 10 years, and I am 200 lbs. I was my most miserable inside when my outside was 126 lbs. Go figure.

Third, listen to yourself talk. It's all negative. How you will fail this time, how you might as well not even try. WTH? You are better than that, give yourself some credit!

Okay, so now you need to remedy these things. Make a list of trigger foods that cause you to eat too much of something. If it's on the list, it shouldn't be in your house.

Have you thought about going to counseling? Your words are telling me that you are really struggling with self respect and confidence. You are hating on yourself instead of loving yourself for what you are. Look at your avi, you are model-gorgeous! If you don't see it than that makes me sad for you. You are an amazing person, you are in medical school for crying out loud so you are obviously smart and motivated. You need to focus some of that motivation on yourself. Stop trying to make everyone else happy and for once in your life, be a little bit selfish. Don't worry about making your dad upset if you miss an event, it's YOUR life and you need to take priority right now. You don't have to be selfish forever, just until you get your head on straight.

That sucks there is no Medi WL Clinic in your area. Maybe when you graduate you can be the one to open one! Could you search out a low-carb minded dietician? I know at one time you were interested in reproductive endocrinology. An RE should have some knowledge of dieticians in your area since LC can help PCOS sufferers lose weight and regulate their insulin, maybe contact someone you know who is an RE for a recommendation? BTW, have you been tested for insulin resistance?

I apologize if anything I said was too much. It makes me sad that you are sad and I just wanted to kick your booty a little. Keep your chin up, the important part is that you keep trying, you just have to figure out how to stop spinning your wheels.
Potaty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2009, 03:24 AM   #327
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Katy-- NOTHING you said was out of line. It was all things I NEED to hear and I thank you for saying them.

The peanut butter situation was disgusting. I ate the jar in 2 days... and the 2nd day the skin on my face turned to a horror show--- all bumpy/red/pale. It seemed like I had bumpy eczema acne rash going on.

I hope you're right, and that the best is still to come.... but I do think you're right I can't wait to have kids myself!

Also, I swear I'm not always this negative! I just don't always post when I'm having a good day, and the other day I was abnormally down. Things have been much better since then. I'm in ketosis! And down a few pounds.

CRAP I just realized that my weightloss goals/week is written on a card I taped on my desk... yesterday a friend came over to surprise me and she TOTALLY used my computer and TOTALLY saw it. AWWWW CRAP. Shoot Shoot Shoot. That is so embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know how much I weigh.

UGH Why does that bother me so much!!!! It gives me a feeling in my stomach. Normally I move the card when someone comes over so they don't see it!!!

Oh well. Off to work. Have an exam today and one friday.... and I still have to be at work at 530 this morning before the exam at 11. I wish I could have slept in.

Oh, and the counselor idea-- I saw a therapist a few times last summer and I liked her a lot. I just don't have the kind of schedule right now to have open time during the week (I work 5am-6pm M-Sat). My schedule will get better after this week though (THANKGAWD). So maybe I will go back. The truth is, as long as I get into DEEP ketosis, assisted by working out, and follow a clean, real plan, I know I can do this on my own. I just get so desperate and confused sometimes when I'm *not* on plan that I start looking for miracle savers (pills, weightloss clinics, therapy, etc).

I know I can do this. Thank you for believing in me.
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2009, 06:07 AM   #328
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
Eating well and in ketosis... but the scale is moving upwards! And it's not TOM related! Grrrrr.

Anyhow... I have a big exam now and for the past few weeks I have been planning my post-exam schedule, eating & exercise regimen..... So get ready for the new me :blush: I keep saying in my head... I will never again be as big as I am *today* (except that the scale is moving up!)
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2009, 05:46 AM   #329
Senior LCF Member
 
Samantha42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 3,128
Gallery: Samantha42
Stats: 205/144.6/150 5'5" 30y/o
WOE: Mod Carb/Paleo/IF
As promised, I started today.

Woke up at 6am after a night of no sleep (tossing and turning, with awful awful allergies) and worked out.

3 miles, 38:30, 400+ calories on the treadmill. (2 miles 24 mins)


Not sure what I'm going to do for breakfast... but it's nice to have so much time in the morning to figure it out!
Samantha42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2009, 09:37 PM   #330
Blabbermouth!!!
 
Potaty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 7,168
Gallery: Potaty
Stats: 227high/227now/150goal
WOE: LC + Exercise
Start Date: July 2013 (this time, LOL)
Great job, girl! Keep it up! How did the day end up panning out for you?
Potaty is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:35 PM.


Copyright ©1999-2014 Friends Forums LLC. All rights reserved. - Terms of Service | Privacy Policy
LowCarbFriends® is a registered mark of Friends Forums, LLC.