Cylia's Corner of Complaining :)

[Cylia]

I decided in order to be vigilant about myself and what I am doing here, I had to have an outlet in which to post all my feelings.

The feelings which I am afraid to post elsewhere, especially on my livejournals where my friends can read it, so the safety of this forum appeals to me.

I'm hoping to use this as a place where I can come and type each day when im feeling upset and frustrated.

Let me warn you from the start, if you have a problem reading about people who have been abused, dont read this. If you have a problem with people who are married being in love with someone else, please dont read this journal. If you have issues with people dating others who are younger/older, again, dont read this.
You cant control whom you fall in love with, you can only live your life. I am certain that at times I am going to post about my 'boyfriend" and I dont want to upset people so please, for both out sakes, just dont read.

For the record, Im a 37 year old mother who is "involved" in the loosest sense with someone who is 22 years old. Im married (he had an affair, we separated, began divorce proceedings, then I went back to him as I felt that I would be alone and noone would be there for me ever).

This isnt my first foray with Atkins, I had one VERY successful first attempt, then have tried to get back onto it and failed over and over. Why? I guess because I thought I could have the best of atkins (cream in my coffee, cheese, nuts, full fat dressings) but not give up on my pizza, coke and chips.

So here I am now, at the grand weight of 246.4 pounds (or 112 kilos for those who use kilos).

I ask myself, how did I get this big? I remember being 200 pounds and thinking "god, I cant get any higher, I just wont allow it. And yet here I am.

My back hurts, my legs hurt, I try to walk and it feels like muscles sieze up, in effect, I feel like im dying... I need to do this, for myself, for my children. Other people have said this but I will echo it, Im sick of just existing. Im sick of being invisible, or worse, being mocked by people who dont even know me. .. I drive to pick my children up from school, and each afternoon I see 2 twin girls who walk down the road my house in on, the other day as i drove past, one of the girls put up her hands as if she were driving a car and blew her cheeks out to look as fat as she could.

I was devastated. I came home and decided then and there I had to stop this self destructive action. I have to stop hurting myself with food, I have to stop trying to hide in food.

I have been on Atkins again for 2 days, I have alot of weight to lose, but Im hoping to get there. Lord knows I have the reason to work for it, I have a REASON to want to be thin, not only for myself, or my family, but because of this wonderful man who I have fallen in love with over the internet.

Yes... I know.. the recipe for disaster.. Lord knows I didnt WANT to, I didnt INTEND for this to happen, instead Ive dug myself into a pit where Im living a web of half truths/lies.

When I feel up to it I may write about it, right now I just feel embarassed by the whole thing..


So, heres to me, heres to you, may we all succeed and have our wished in life met.

[Cylia]

late night hunger.....

Its something Im always struggling with. I eat a nice dinner, enough to not be hungry but not FULL, but come 11pm or so Im sitting there DYING for something to eat...

Such as now, Im drinking water and trying to avoid the lure of the fridge. Admitedly the choices in the fridge are good, leftover chicken or beef or a boiled egg, but I just feel bad at the idea of eating at midnight you know?

I could have coffee,... but coffee means cream... so I dont know... maybe I should just try sleeping at this time!!

Ive been thinking bout my "situation" the man Im involved with (though actively trying not to be) is... well... gorgeous. hes 22, he plays baseball for a varsity college team, and well, yeah... hes insanely lovely.

I have tried to tell him to date other women for the last 6 months (being as we havent met and all and I dont know if we ever will), he refuses to. Hes a weird combination of jock, computer nerd, and snag. He cries, hes in touch with his feelings... The issue is, well, for me, my body.

As ive mentione dbefore, he's only seen pictures from 9 years ago.. he thinks they are 3 years old. he knows I have put on weight from the photos, and has outright said that even if I was 200 pounds he would love me (heh hello darling, try 246!) but in the same breath he puts down people whoa re overweight.

He says they are lazy and dont try, that they need to excercise more. Inherantly I know part of what he says is right, I AM lazy, I loathe excercise... but I also know that my food issues stem from so many things.

I was abused as a child sexually, and looking back now I can see that i started gaining weight then, to "hide". My mother simultaneously harped on me about my weight whilst shovelling food onto my plate all my life.

Food, to me, was a reward. if I did well, YAY Pizza! YAY McDonalds.. YAY fast food!!

Food was also a punishment.. when I found out my husband (hereforth called P) had an affair and we started divorcing, I ate till I was sick, then ate more and more, because I hated myself. I tried explaining this to the BF (hereforth called V) and whilst he does understand, how can he relate? hes played sport since he was 4, he has the body of an athlete. he just doesnt understand.

Lets face it, if we hadnt met on the internet first and talked, he probably never would have considered me being involved with me at this weight.. (Ok, he doesnt know I weight THIS much but he claims to love me no matter what my weight). He would have been a friend, if that. Now I dont mean to disparage him, but in todays society people are vilified for being overweight. If we had a scar on our faces, total strangers wouldnt walkup and comment how ugly it looked, but being overweight? people feel they have the right to make ugly hurtful comments or make fun of you.

So yes.... V... I guess I am partly losing weight for him, though I know in heart that I am doing it for me... Hell Im too scared to even meet him though he keeps offering to buy me tickets and threatens to come see me if I wont go see him.

What is worse is... what happens WHEN I lose the weight I want to lose. Will I ever be able to look how I wish? I certainly cant afford surgery, so will I be fated to always have saggy baggy elephant skin on my belly? my thighs?

*sighs* who knows....

[Cylia]

Hmm I better keep track of my food for the day too, I can see that I will need to update this as the day goes on...


Planned meals..will update and change tag to meals eaten by end of day.

Breakfast:

Coffee with 2 splenda tablets and 1tbsp cream
2 eggs scrambled and topped with a smattering of greated tasty cheese

Snacks: hopefully none. 1.25 litres Water (about 42 Ounces)

Lunch:

Chicken Ceaser Salad ( I WILL throw away the crouton packet!)
1 coke zero

Snacks: hopefully none. 1.25 litres Water (about 42 Ounces)

Dinner:

Either another Chicken Ceaser Salad or some leftover beef which I sauteed with zucchini and broccoli.

Evening Snack:

1.25 litres Water (about 42 Ounces)
Coffee with 2 splenda tablets and 1tbsp cream

[Cylia]

Today wasnt so bad, though Im feeling FAT right now, despite not having eaten badly. I have to wonder if others get this way, eat a meal, and feel that they have done something bad to themselves by actually eating it.

Im resisting the urge to go throw up everything I ate this evening
V gets very angry at me when I talk about this, he hates it when I go make myself be sick, he doesnt understand that its all part of the battle I face with food. I love it, yet I hate it. What does he know anyways, hes 6foot 1 and weighs 205 pounds!

On a positive note I arranged for the hire of a treadmill for a month, I figured that if I had one here at my house I could actively use it even if i started off in short increments, and increase my fitness level to a point that I can begin walking outside.

My food intake for today

Breakfast: (eaten at 11am)

Coffee with 2 splenda tablets and 1tbsp cream
2 eggs scrambled and topped with a smattering of grated tasty cheese, 1 slice of bacon

Snacks: 2.5 litres Water (about 84 Ounces) Grazed on leftover chicken pieces and sauteed zuchinni from the fridge.
4 pork rinds
7 cashews

Dinner: (at 7:30pm or so)

Chicken Ceaser Salad with sprinkling of salad nuts (100gm jar, 1.8 carbs in entire jar)
1 coke zero


Evening Snack:

1.25 litres Water (about 42 Ounces)


If I really feel hungry I am going to make coffee with cream and splenda this evening.

I have to wonder if the grazing is bad. Some trains of thought say that by eating lots of little bits of protein during the day its better for you, BUT.. it makes me feel FAT and bloated in the evening when I actually eat a real meal.


I also got hold of my mother in laws hospital scales (she used to work in a hospital as a mothercraft nurse) so I can actually weigh myself properly. They show even 1/4 of a pound lost!

[Cylia]

Today wasn't so great, I didn't really lose much yesterday. 1/2 a pound maybe?

Overall I did well during the day, I stuck to plan. Dinner kind of came undone in so much that I allowed myself some home made gravy, maybe like an 1/8 or a 1/6 of it, I used 1/4 cup flour in it and just drippings and chicken stock for the rest.

Then I got a phone call from my cousin. Where to begin... my relationship with my family is tumultuous to say the least. My cousins (2 girls, one older than me and one younger) made my life hell when i was growing up.

They would always laugh at me, always run off with their own friends at family events and make fun of me behind my back. During my teenage years they taunted me with being fat, and when I look back at photos from that period, I wasn't fat, hell I wasn't even chubby.

What made this harder was that they are the only family I have. Only my mothers brother (their father) is in the country, so it was primarily my family (mum, dad, me and my brother) and their family (aunt uncle and the 2 girls). They always made me feel like I was being belittled, like I... didn't fit in.
I would always reach out to them and they wouldn't ever reciprocate.

One of the memories I have of them, is my eldest cousin going to my aunt and saying "I'm going to be the fattest in the whole family", and my aunt replying with "No don't worry, Christina will be".
Another memory is just after I gave birth to my eldest son, I must have weighed 220 pounds just after the birth, and photographs were taken, some more flattering than others. I went to their house a month later to visit, and i saw on their fridge, a picture of me and my son, they had chosen the most unflattering, most fat looking picture they could find, and had put it there as a deterrent to them to eating... a "Look what you will turn into if you eat" picture.

So she calls me, to say shes doing this program called Landscape, where shes dealing with some emotional issues in her life, and as part of it she had to think of people whom she had wronged in her life and write a letter to them. She told me that in her letter she began by saying "I was nasty to you about this, but because you did this" and realized that she was making excuses for herself, and when she removed the excuses, she wasn't proud of what she saw.

She acknowledged that she had treated me badly in life, that she had always thought of herself as better than me, that she had often laughed about me or used me as a joke or just used me as something to blame. She apologized for this and said that she wanted to try mend bridges, whatever.

Now I applaud her honesty in this, I do, but I came out of this feeling like dirt. As much as I had always felt wary around them for the last 10 years (I have only seen them 3 times in 10 years) prior to that estrangement I had honestly felt that at times, we had been close friends... and instead I came to realize that the whole time there had been this snide s******ing and nasty backstabbing going on.

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I feel hurt, I feel like I'm worthless again. i turned to my cousins when i was a teenager and had my memory come back to me of my father abusing me as a child, and all i can of now is that they probably laughed about it, they probably walked away, and made a joke..

So .. following this, I went and ate 2 potatoes dipped in gravy.

Then I hated myself

Then I tried to throw it up.


I know I'm in a vicious cycle, its just so hard to not go for the crutch of food when you feel like everything else around you is falling apart.

[Cylia]

Well Im still here

Ive had a few days of being up and down, mainly Ive actually stayed on plan (except for 1 piece of bread but then i felt so awful I made myself throw up).

My biggest challenge right now is my sleep patterns. I tend to stay awake till 4-5am then i dont wake till 11 or 12, because I cant sit down then and there I tend to grab a coffee and just "pick" at something fromthe fridge (usually a boiled egg or some chicken strips which i stirfry and keep there for picking time)

Whilst this isnt bad, what it does mean is that come 5pm or so Im STARVING... i WANT to eat my dinner.. But... we dont normally eat dinner till 7 or so cause of the kids achedules and all.

Because I want dinner to be a "all sit down together time" I feel awful not eating with them so I try to hold off, and I pick pick pick... cheese, nuts..

*sighs*

maybe I should be forcing myself to eat something when i wake, then I'll actually hold out better? I dont know.

My days were emotionally a rollercoaster ride, and it was silly because it was over a game. I know I know.. what kind of person gets upset over a video game???

Anwyays, the man (V) and I play World of Warcrack, we both have high rank characters and stuff... The thing is, an ex friend found out where I was playing, got on there and told everyone my myspace addy with pictures of me.
So everytime I log in now I get taunted with comments of being a whale, being so huge, etc etc. (Nice people eh?) What makes it worse is that the BF (V) is an athlete and is like... gorgeous, so people keep making smart cracks to HIM as well about whats he doing with someone like me (Needless to say It makes me then question the whole relationship too)

So I didnt want to play on that server anymore. But my boyfriend did...
So we got into a huge fight, because he wanted to join the #1 guild on our server, but I wont go there cause A) Alot of people from there have been posting derogatory comments about me on the forums and B) They dislike me and wouldnt take me anyways.

So he decided that despite my being upset, despite it all.... he wanted to join them.
Did you know that I am worth less than a game?

Even better, the position in a "Uber Guild" with "Uber People" where someone you profess to love would NEVER be allowed to join is apparently more important than anything else.

Kills me... Am I wrong in thinking this is bad? I mean seriously?? Am I expecting too much?

He was going to join a guild which would NOT accept me ever, but to make him feel better about it I would still have to play and as his little girly friend said to me "Oh you can still join any other guild in the server, just not the best one with us"

So I was supposed to smile, and say "Gee thanks hun, yes you can dump on me by going to someplace where Im not welcome, and I'll still hang around to make you feel better, and I'll go join some deadend guild cause then you wont feel guilt for DUMPING me"

needless to say I stared at the cakes and cookies for a long long time.....

BUT

I didnt eat them!