Sophie's autumn dreams...

[sophie44]

Well, here I am...this is a bit of a history about myself that I wrote after I started losing weight a few years ago, I thought I would copy and paste it on here to remind me of where I was. Alot has happened since then,which I will touch on a bit, so here we go:
Well, here I sit...on the downward slope of this weight loss trip, over halfway home...feels so good. Its so hard to believe that I was so big, so uncomfortable...so yearning to be fit and healthy.
I think it's time to think back, reflect on the past and log my feelings. Maybe this will help me, be therapeutic in a way, we shall see...
The last time I stepped on that sale, the red numbers lit up"263". I jumped off. Scared. Sad. Immobilized. When I could move again, I went and had some chips...and thus grew bigger, but never got on that scale again...for a LONG time. That was around the fall/winter of 2001. I gained and gained after that, got married January 31, 2002 and the pictures are insane, I had to be close to 300 by then, but still would not get on that scale.
My gram died in February of that year, it was then I really noticed I had gained and I could not ignore it anymore. I was so uncomfortable in anything I tried to put on for the services. I went to Lane Bryant and the 26/28 tops were kind of snug...I stood in the dressing room, so upset...what was I going to do? Eat, thats what...
I don't think I gained too much more after that point, but I still was eating and not doing anything about it. Nor was anyone else. My spouse never said a word, loved me no matter what. The rest of my family didn't udder a word, neither did my friends. No one ever said, "wow Renea, you are gaining alot of weight" or anything of the kind...so no worries, right?
I have always wanted to be a NY state trooper, but never thought I could, I have always been over weight, out of shape...not trooper material. Working where I do and doing store loss prevention, I see the troopers almost everyday...ahh, to have that job, I would give anything...but still, nothing clicked with me.
One day, while at work, I felt kind of sick, like the flue was setting in...and it was! I had to go home and I was so sick for a few days. Home and in bed, so sick, all I could keep down was minimal fluids, I must have lost a few pounds. When I went to work after feeling better, my size 24 and 26 jeans were't oh so tight, like they were before. They were still tight, but I could breathe a bit better. Ah, light bulb moment. I can do this...but still would not step on that scale.
This went on for a month or so, and people noticed I was losing. First my boss, "Renea, are you losing weight?" Well yes I was! Hicks, my spouse noticed...I noticed. It was great.
Then I got the nerve to get on that scale, I knew I needed to make up and be friends again. Nervous, afraid I put one foot on, then the next...260. SO I was losing! Now I was mad...I knew I had lost a bit of weight by this point, I was and still am mad that I didn't get on that scale the day I noticed I was losing, after the flu...I would just love to really know my highest weight. It had to be around 300 as I mentioned above. That is why I have 263 as my starting weight, that is the last real known weight amount that I have.
Time went on, I saw 250 and 240 and then there was 235, and I hit my first plautue...I was so upset , wanting to give up. And I did, no workouts for that summer. Went on vacation, and ate bad. Knew what I was doing too, that was sad. Still had these dreams of being a trooper, had even signed up for the written test, was on my way...my that vacation, I was going back to bad habits. Then we went to 6 flags, and Hicks wanted to go on the sky coaster...NO WAY could I do that...NO WAY! Hicks and I got in a fight and everything. He was so upset, he wouldn't go without me, but the thought of being strapped in a sling and being put up almost 200 feet in the air and then dropped for a free fall, was just not my idea of fun. But then I had another light bulb moment...if I can do this, I can do anything. So I went and paid the people and didn't let Hicks know it, then told him we had to go meet some family members. Walked to wards the sky coaster, and looked at him...his eyes lit up...I told him, "if I can do this then I can do anything...that includes lose this weight" And so away we went...it was so amazing, the ground comes so fast and then the sling thing catches you and then...I realized I did it!!! And that was when I knew I could do this, and I started to eat right from that moment on. Got back form vacation nd the scale was back up to around 241-243ish. I vowed to never let that happen again...I will not gain and bloat back up...NO WAY!
I continued to lose, never thought I would see 215, 210, 205, 200. If someone told me that I got the flu that a year and 1/2 later, that I would be at 199...I would have told them they were insane!

Well since that was written, I went on Atkins, got down to 188-189, has a GREAT deal of stress, went off plan and gained back up to 220+. I have since found that I so have an eating disorder, I am just now learning to come to terms with it, I go to OA and I am working my program. I had my first day of abstinance on June 3rd and I have been going strong ever since, and it feels GREAT!! I chose and low carb food plan of 3 meals a day with the option of 2 snacks if I feel the need, most days I am good with 3 meals. I read all I can about my ED and how to deal with it. My goal at this point os t look and feel good on my 30th birthday, Dec 15...since getting 'clean' on June 3rd, I went from 220 down to 207, amazing and I feel great.
A bit about my life, where I am today, I am still with Hicks, 8 1/2 years, I am ast manager at am EB games and I work at a hippie shop. I try to have as much fun as I can, I love all my friends, they are awesome. Things I like~reading, autumn, music (james taylor, blue rodeo, kenny chesney, travis tritt, bo bice, rusted root, to name a few) One Life to Live, my mall family(they are the best) Hicks (cute and wonderful) tattoos (I have 10). This I hate~ people (friends) moving or leaving in any way, having an eating disorder, the fact I lost my mom, getting my glasses dirty or messed up in any way, when I order diet coke and they give me regular.
I guess thats me in a nut shell, there is much more, but I just wanted to get this started. My sponsor wanted me to journal and so here I am....

[sophie44]

As for today, had a great day food plan wise and just all around. Had a birthday party for Heather at the arcade at the mall, it was a BLAST! they all drank beer, I had diet soda, food and we played a TON of games, it was great. Heather and I (the onky girls, known as the 'EB Girls' won a zillion tickets and bought all sorts of junk, it was awesome. The guest list~me, heather, mister mock, kyle, steve. steve=-o, tony and our friend Jeff stopped by for a minutes or two. The pros~we had a blast, everyone was happy, now the proud owner of lost of junk, saw Jeff and was able to say goodbye (he is moving to a far far away land) The cons~it had to end, we ran out of money for tokens, had to say goodbye to our friend Jeff...(i really hate people leaving, it just plain sucks) All in all, a GREAT day! AND another day clean and binge free, thats awesome! I need to go work on some other things, more later

[sophie44]

Lets see, I just had my morning meal, had grilled chicken with hot sauce and some cheese in a low carb pita. I never eat these low carb things, but HIcks bought me them, and I had one last week, didn't stall me, so I thought, once in a while can't hurt. It was good and filled me up. Making chicken for lunch and dinner right now, I am off to mall for a full day...grrr...I am not looking forward to it, its NOT a R and H day...no good. Oh well, gotta run, more later

[sophie44]

Lunch was chicken salad with mayo and some cheese. Tonight I am having some burger with cheese and ranch. All in all a good day. Another day clean and happy. Not much else to report...I am gonna read some posts on here, watch some TV and go to bed...

[sophie44]

Well...here we are, I am waiting to go to work, I have done all I need to do today before work, so I am surfing net and now posting on here. Work should be good today, I don't go until 1:30, then Heather comes in at 5ish, and its just us till close, after work Kyle wanted to play games, so as long as its cool with Hicks, I may go, They all wanna hang out cuz they will be without me for 10 whole days while I am on vacation. I love those guys, awesome to work and have reindeer games.
Food for the day, burger with cheese and ranch, same for lunch, and maybe dinner. I am not sure about dinner yet. Time will tell. OA is going great today is day 25 for me, AWESOME!! Doing my readings and feeling good about it.
I guess I am gonna go watch some TV now...

[sophie44]

Update: dinner was a side salad from Wendys, didn't fell like eating much. Just got homje a bit ago, went to co-workers to play video games, they were all eating pizza and drinking, I am so happy, I didn't do any of the above, i drank my diet soda and that was it, and I feel really good about it. My calories were low today, I will make sure not to be so low Weds. I have a doc appointment in morning, then work, maybe a hair cut, not too sure on that. Right now, I miss Hicks, he is at work, miss Hicks alot. I am sleepy, gonna check out some other posts and get some sleep.

[sophie44]

AHHHH my posts were at # 666 so I had to make another post, just to be on safe side

[sophie44]

Had scam. eggs and sausage this morning. Making hard boiled eggs for egg salad for tonight. Not sure whats up for lunch.
Feeling good today, need to get a move on, have Doc appointment, then off to work. I have sooooo much to do before I leave for camping...I am making lists and my head is going a mile a min. Right now I am going to go read some more posts, more tonight when I get home.

[sophie44]

Had a nice day. Work was...well work. I went to Dr and all was good. Thats cool I fell really good about blood pressure, my family's awlays runs really high, mine is aways good. Food was nice and clean all day. Got to read some OA stuff, I am going to listen to some OA tapes tonight, then its off to bed. ONE MORE DAY OF WORK TILL VACATION!!!!!!!!!! YIPPIEEEEEEEEEEE I am off, more later

[Groovycadreamr]

WTG!! Your doing great.

[sophie44]

Thanks for the stop by Groovy!
I am on my way to work right now, then I will go to an OA meeting, then home to pack, then sleep then wake up THEN take off for vacation!!! SOOOOOOOOO if I don't get a chance to hope back on here, I will as soon as I get back

[sophie44]

On my way to go camping, more later

[sophie44]

Just got back, did okay, I did have a smore and a few other goodies, but feel okay about it. more later

[sophie44]

Home from work, first day back on hard core indcution, I really enjoyed some camping goodies and I feel good about mt 'cheat' and feel even better about getting back on plan...more Monday, I am off to catch up on OLTL

[sophie44]

Had another great day, feeling good. Worked 12+ hours, ready to watch some TV, read and sleep...more Tuesday

[sophie44]

WOW, what a CRAZY long a$$ day...thank God its over, gonna go watch some TV now...more later

[sophie44]

Did awesome with food again yesterday, I did enjoy a Low carb candy bar, its rare for me to have one, it was yummy, but I am good for a while now. I am down another pound, 206 now, I can't wait to be in onederland again! I am off to work, another long day, I can't wait till this stupid inventory is over...Weds it will be a thing of the past...thank God. I am off now, more later.

[sophie44]

Scale was up a bit this morning, I think its cause I are REALLY late last night (had hot sauasge with cheese) I will eat a really clean day today and see what scale says in morning. Off to work, more tonight

[sheryl0423]

you've made quite an accomplishment......sounds like you have full control of your life now....congrats!!

[sophie44]

Sheryl~thank you very much!
Lets see...long day at work, glad to be home, my feet and hands hurt, must be a sign of getting old Anyway, missing a friend today alot, hope he is okay and doing well...long story, but I hope he is okay, just miss him from time to time...food wise, great today, I guess I am off to get some sleep. more later

[sophie44]

Well lets see, I am at work, its kinda dead and I have some time to rant on here. First off, doing awesome with food, very pleased with myself. In fact, I am sure that the scale being up yesterday morning was do to my late meal the night before, the scale was down again today and in fact was down an extra pound So thats VERY cool. 204, so I can't wait to be in onederland again. Seems lik if I keep working like this I can make my goal of being in a much better place and weight on my 30th birthday. No purgeing either, thats very cool. I am proud of myself. I do want to start working out again, so that will be starting really soon. This past week has been so crazy. I came back from my trip to a big stressful mess at work and it seems like after Tuesday I am thinking, it should get better. I really get ick of my bossnot doing his fair share and we all make up for it with long days and alot of stress. I am pleased with myself that I am NOT helping him tonight, this is all up to him, he has to carry soem of this load. SO he will have to set up for inventory all by himself, if I stayed I wouldn't be getting paid for it anyway and although that is somthing that really doesn't matter to me, I work off the clock there alot, tonight will be about me showing him that som things are up to him, only him, to do. He is the manager I am only the asst manager. We really carried his ass this week, and no f-ing thanks from him at all, WHATEVER. The staff as awesome, everyone was, they all pulled together and stayed late, came in early, all that jazz, and it is so nice to know they did all that to help me, to make sure that we got it done , even though "he" didn't care or do much of anything to help. So again, I hope he sees tonight how alon he is in the fact that we aren't helping him. If the man would say thanks once in awhile, the staff, including myself, would stick by him. So tonight I am done at 5 and I am leaving this place and going over to a friends house to hang out. We have to be at store by 6am tuesday morning for inventory, thats not fun, then I get to work after inventory from 2:30-close. what a long day. Then things should get better. What else is on my mind. Oh, before I forget, Steve told me something, still not sure if he is making it up to upset me, I am gonna ask Heather about it today and see what she thinks. It was about SH, and that some girl had him on her myspace and that she was talking about talking with him. Well its funny cuz he hasn't got ahold of anyone here to say if he is okay or not, I find it hard to believe, I think he was saying it to upset me and others. But I guess its not up to me, we just all hope he is okay. Sure hope he is....I guess whatever personal hell he is going through, when he is ready, he will call people and let thm know how he is doing. Whatelse, oh yeah, no clu whats going on, my hands and feet have really been hurting me, I think my feet hurting is due to the fact that I stand on them for 12 hours every day at work, and I really need new Birks, my hands, no clu, but they are bothering me. Other news, Linds' birthday is Weds, but I am not off work with her till Thursday, I would like to take her to VT to dinner at Fridays, she loves that place, but not sure what $ is like. Sunday weare going to East side Marios for dinner, all of us at the store. That will be fun. I better get a move on, all in all, feling good, happy with food, OA and the scale. Praying for SH and his safety, hope he knows we all care about him...I could write so much on that, hope Lindsey has a good B-day, and hope inventory goes well...also hope th weather cools off soon

[sophie44]

Long day, I am off to bed and then up for an even longer day.

[sophie44]

will be training at another store and therefore not internet acsess, more when I get a chance, Thursday or Friday

[sophie44]

Home now, got to come home a day early. I am so happy to be home!!!!!!!!!! The scale is looking good too, down some pounds, I will weigh in in the morning and see for sure.

[sophie44]

Well, lets see, first things first, down 7 pounds to 200!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS AWESOME< onederland here I come! I will change my stats after I get off here. Work is work, I am gonna go in today and get the rest of marketing done, I am off Friday and HIcks and I are going away, I can't wait, we need it! As for the "S" chanllenge, weight wise and food wise, going well, "S" wise, well...who knows...I wish things could be different, but right now they aren't. I pray things are okay...thats all I can type. I am thinking of adding to my left wrist tattoo, thought about it alot, I think I will have the words to "anything but mine" tattooed around it in a circle. IO am still toying with the idea, but it sounds nice and it would mean alot to me. Others may not understand, but its for me to understand and thats all that matters. Right now I am making some chicken with hot sauce and then I can going to go in to work, I better get movin...more later

[sophie44]

Well lets see...scale still saying 200, and I ate really late last night, so, yup, really calling it, 200. I can't wait for 199! Hicks and I had a great day off, we went to casino and won some $, thats always cool. Today we are going away and going shopping, in fact I need to get my rear in gear and get a move on.
I have been having a REALLY hard time sleeping, I have been having to take sleeping pills and then haven't a hard time waking up. I have read that in deep ketosis sometimes you will have trouble sleeping, I may post a thread ans see if others are having the same issue. I guess thats about it. We are all going out to dinner Sunday after work, still hoping I don't have to go back to H20town to work, but if I have to maybe it won't be for long. I can't wait for our Dm to get back and let us know whats going on, if I am manager, well, then cool, lets get it going and get crap done, if not, then let us know and we can all move on. Okay, well I am off t get ready and go shoping!

[sophie44]

wow lets see, what a long weekend, food wise, things are cool, no big issues there. Work=stress, still no idea what will happen in the next few weeks, I do know for sure I need to go back there for Friday, after that, no idea. As for the "S" situation, well, things are looking up there, I hope to make things right and keep them that way for sometime, time will tell. My heart is in it, alot of feelings and care and in it, I will do what I can for this. It is now almost Aungust, the 8th month, lets see what is different. I started back on this WOE almost 2 months ago, I am feeling way better now, I am down 20 lbs, I wonder how months 8,9,10,11, and 1/2 of 12 will go? 4 1/2 months left before the "S" challenege is over, 4 1/2 months till I am the big 30. I would like to be back where I was in Dec of 2004, about 175-170, feeling great about myself, all around. Happy with life, marriage and friends...as I look back, 2004 Dec, yup, it was awesome, I know I can't go back and re-live it, but I can try and make how I am and who I am, be about the same. Weight and self image and HUGE issues for me, I was on top of both at that point in my life. Partly due to I was doing so well on LC and the people I was hanging with were great to me, one person made me feel very special. I knwo others will come and help me feel the same way again. Hicks makes me feel good, all my new friends make me feel good, whats left? Me, I need to make me feel good. So...thats what I am working on in the next 4 1/2 months. I hope to keep on keepin on as I have been, not giving up. I will keep fresh in my mind 2004, and how I looked and felt, and push on.