Getting Real....

[skinnymom]

I have done low-carb in the past and had a successful 30 pound weight loss. I lost about 1/2 of what I needed to before stalling, vacationing, giving up and slowly regaining my 30 pounds PLUS.

I have 5 small children (11,10,7,2 and 2 months) and this past year I went through both a pregnancy and lymphoma at the same time. The sheer stress of it all had me running from my level II ultrasound appointment (where they were always finding a problem with my amniotic fluid levels because of the chemo) to taco bell or McDonalds for a super value meal of some sort. Some days, I found myself eating a fastfood meal 2 or 3 times...compulsively to deal with the stress.



The baby was born early, but is doing well...I finished chemotherapy and radiation and I am doing well...and am hoping that the treatment will have resulted in a cure.

I am left with a body though that....is like a prison to me. I was at my heaviest when I began my pregnancy, but I quickly ballooned into 227 pounds at 5'2". My hips hurt, my knees hurt and my feet hurt. When I wake up in the morning I have to hobble around until my feet get used to carrying around all of this weight! My knees creek and crunch when I walk up the stairs.

I need to get in shape...for my health (joints as well as lowering my risk for diabetes and other cancers). I'm desperate to do it..but am afraid of failing at yet another weight loss attempt. I have failed so many times.

If you opened up my cupboards right now you'd find a wide array of weight-loss products including low-carb drinks, slim-fast shakes and bars...you name it...I've done it....more than once.

I want to make a lifestyle change that will stick....but I know that I can't do it alone AND that I have to be accountable to myself to stop the cheating...hence...the journal.

Kris

[abbynormal]

Kris -
I can't tell you how much I admire anyone who can get through chemo, much less be pregnant at the same time. DH is one round (two treatments) away from completing 8 rounds of AVBD for Hodgkins Lymphoma. I just can't imagine being pregnant during that process.

Welcome back to lc and I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

[skinnymom]

Laura,

I did 6 rounds of CHOP-R for stage I/IIb non-hodgkins mediastinal lymphoma. It wasn't too bad...the exhaustion really was hard at the end but I don't know if it was pg related or not.

The worst now is the waiting...I have a PET scan mid-July and waiting to see if it is "cold" or not is a huge stress.

Do you visit the leukemia/lymphoa society website?

kris

[skinnymom]

Monday morning...always the first day of a "new diet"....but this time, I started LCing Saturday so I don't have to face a day of "what do I eat". I already feel like I'm slowly finding my groove.

I stepped on the scale...224.5...I don't know why it disappointed me . I think I expected that since I've made this commitment, started LCing and have exercised each day that I would have dropped 60 pounds in just a couple of days or something. As it is, I'll take the 2.5 pounds that I'm less and run with it. NOW...to do something about that scale. I need to put it away until next Monday...or Saturday. I have a bad habit of stepping on it 20 times a day and I know that it only serves to disappoint me if the numbers aren't moving down.

Just checking in (accountability, accountability)....hopefully this will help keep me on track today..I'll check back in this evening for a report.

Kris

[skinnymom]

So far so good.

I couldn't help but step on the scale this morning and I was down to 222....which is a 5 pound loss from when I started.

Weight loss aside though, what I feel the best about right now is how 'in control' of myself I'm beginning to feel. I'm proud of the fact that I'm doing something about all of this finally and that I've been able to stay on track since Saturday.

My biggest issue seems to be that I've indulged in 2 atkins 3g impact carb treat bars a day...I need to really try and limit that.

So far though, my days look like this:

LC protein drink for breakfast

Salad with chicken/cheese for lunch

low carb bar as snack

Dinner....eat with the family but simply don't eat potatoes/bread. Chicken breast or piece of pork with a few veggies.

Last night, we went to TGIF and I got an 'Atkins Meal' and removed onions/green peppers...and drank a plain unsweetened iced tea. I was surprised at how good the iced tea tasted without sugar or sweeteners!

After dinner, we usually watch "The Brady Bunch" with our kids...(we have turned off all tv here and are doing more of a blast from the past thing because of the state of television nowadays!)...and I eat another Atkins low carb chocolate bar (3g)

All in all I'm staying ~20-30g of carbs......

It isn't feeling difficult right now, so I'm hoping that I'm on the right track! It couldn't be this painless to finally shed some of this weight, could it be? ugh...I hope I won't be eating those words soon.

kris

[skinnymom]

I got down to 219.5 before the weekend, but have been off track since then. I was told to not LC for 7-10 days before my upcoming PET scan and...I freaked out and have been eating wildly...I thought I could just eat "normally" until the scan, but I find that I have returned to bad patterns because I'm not at a point of being able to control my carb consumption.

I do realize now how much carbs really negatively impact both my appetite and my energy levels. I feel zapped since going back on the carbs and my appetite seems very much to be out-of-control again. I know it will be tough for me to get this all back under control again...I just feel very uncertain about what I am and am not supposed to eat right now.

My dh doesn't want me going LC right now for fear it will result in some sort of false positive on the PET since it involves an injection of radioactive glucose to measure cellular activity. He's afraid that if my cells are glucose-starved that I'll just light right up. On the flip side of that though....you are supposed to have a LC meal the night before you go in. I don't know what to think so I'm just going to wait for the big LC start until 1 week from today.....I don't want there to be any increased risk of having my PET scan come back badly.

In the meantime, I'll keep posting just so I won't fall off the face of the LC planet here. I'm afraid I won't get back "on the wagon" if I'm not vigilent about blogging/posting.

I was successful when I started LC several days ago and I can be again once this scan is over.....

kris

[skinnymom]

I'm maintaining right now at right around 200.5. I overdid it last night with the potatoes at dinner though. I can't wait to get this PET scan behind me and get back on track. At least I haven't gained back what I already lost! Two more days....

kris

[skinnymom]

I finished my PET scan and after some nail biting discovered that I am in remission. We went out and celebrated with a high carb meal complete with wine and then....I got back on plan.

Doing the low carb diet again has given me a feeling of control over my life that I desperately need right now. In every other area of my life I feel like I'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me....my children and husband have all suffered so much through the cancer experience. We are all fighting with each other and are struggling to adjust to the new "normal"..I feel like I can't believe that the PET scan was normal...I just *know* that when I go back in 3 months for a CT that they'll find something...even though the likelihood of that happening is low. I don't know what I'll do in terms of career and I can't relate to any of my old friends. My best buddy lives 2 hours away right now and we often talked on the phone for hours about politics, women's rights, raising children in today's world, etc. Now, I find myself unable to even talk to her. I am not just screening all of my calls...I just refuse to pick up the phone anymore no matter who is calling. This is something that I am hard pressed to understand...I'm just not that...interested...anymore in *normal* conversation.

So...I'm taking control of my eating. If the cancer is going to come back...I refuse to die fat...and I refuse..absolutely refuse to have to go back to the doctors (all of them are my husband's colleagues ) with my big, huge, fat butt.

Interestingly, my weight almost prevented me from being diagnosed. I suppose it is good in a way...because if I had been diagnosed earlier then I might have lost my pregnancy. I was 15 weeks pregnant at the time of dx...and 17 weeks when I finished chemo....I wasn't even pg when my symtoms started. I went to the doc twice for problems with shortness of breath and was dx with asthma but when it didn't go away, I just assumed it was because I am so heavy. I was ashamed and I even told my mom "I'm killing myself with food", convinced it was my weight that was the problem. My internist actually called me out of the blue because she heard I was pregnant and wondered how my breathing problems were. I told her I was sure that it was my "fat" that was the problem, but she insisted on me coming in. What if she hadn't called me? What if she hadn't insisted? It snowed that day and my husband was late getting home from work. What if I had cancelled the appointment like I almost had?

I know it's all over now, but it has caused us all so much grief and fear.

That's the story though...and now...I move on from fighting the cancer to fighting the fat. I can do this.

Today I was down to 218.5...this means I have met my first mini-goal!


kris

[skinnymom]

218

I think I feel totally disappointed that the weight isn't just dropping off of me. I'm sticking to an induction plan but have seen less movement since getting back with it than I expected. Though if I'm honest, I restarted at 220...so I *have* lost 2 pounds. I guess I was just hoping for a quicker loss. (impatient, impatient!)

I went walking night before last for 1.5 hours and despite sticking to plan etc when I got on the scale the next morning I was UP a pound. I went on the same long walk last night and was back down to 218...it feels a bit hollow...I stepped up the activity and it made no change really at all.

I keep trying to tell myself it isn't good to weigh every day...and that exercise has benefits like building muscle (which actually goes through metabolism and will burn fat) but I seem to be very focused on having the scale go down. Though I have all of these mini-goals, the first real thing my brain is focused on is getting below 200...and that is 18 pounds away. It's not going to happen overnight ... I know that...I just...sort of wish it could.

[emijan]

Skinnymom, you are so brave!
Hats off.

Listen, you have been through so much in the past few month. Getting news of something that couls lead to death while carrying new life and having a husband and 4 little ones at home is horrible (I had to have a bilateral mastectomy at 33, my girls were 4 and 5, I did Atkins for the first time just before the Dx and was 125lb at 5'3", haven't seen this weight since).

Do not forget about the process of healing, somewhere inside their is the need to be MAD (why me?) and grief (which probebly is showing in tiny bits and pieces when you stall or go off plan).

I think you are doing great!

Caring for your family with a new babe, being careful with what you eat, keeping Dr. appt. Hey give your self a pat on the back

I will be praying for you.
Also I can be your buddy if you'd like to PM me.

[abbynormal]

Sorry I missed this thread earlier when you reported on your PET. That is fabulous news!

DH had his last dose of chemo on Thursday. The PET a couple of weeks ago was clear, but he will have one more on 08/02 to close out this chapter. Then, like you, he'll go quarterly for more scans to be sure there's no recurrence.

Give yourself time for you body to adjust after all it's been through. You'll get there!

[indogia]

wow,you are one amazing lady (((hugs))).easy onyourself,you have been through so much,and I am so happy you have come out of it a stronger and even more beautiful person.
have you thought of trying callanetics combined with your low carb healthy eating?
of course it all depends on the time ,you have so many little ones,I can imagine getting time for you could be a little awkward?

dont give up,you will look back on this moment in time to come ,and know you came through,we all get doubtful thoughts,frustrated and such,but you can come through this.you are coming through this.and you are not alone.




Indy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[skinnymom]

It's been so long since I've updated. I'm still on plan, but I've had so much going on recently that I haven't had time to sit down and really write about things..and I think that journaling is a good way of maintaining control over my feelings.

I managed to stay on plan and got down to 214.5. What's funny is how I've really lost perspective. I felt like I hadn't lost any weight at all...then I came back here and read about how I was 218 and bummed. Today, I'm down to 212.5 and my negative thought for the day was immediately "why couldn't I have lost .5 more so that I would have lost a total of 15 pounds instead of 14.5" What kind of thinking is THAT?

Honestly, I feel very positive about the weight loss and my new way of eating.

I started with Atkins and have now moved to 2 weeks of the Scarsdale plan. After 2 weeks, I plan on going back to 2 weeks of Atkins, etc. I do like Scarsdale because of the ability to eat fruit and 2 pieces of LC/high protein bread each day. Yesterday was day 1 of scarsdale for me and honestly, I felt great.

In my personal life, things have been up and down. A friend of mine who is pregnant with triplets lost one of her triplets and I have felt very sad for her. I also began having breathing problems/chest pain again and went back to see the radiation oncologist. He told me basically that he "sees this all of the time" and that it was anxiety. I told him that I knew the difference and felt something wasn't right. In the end, he ordered a CT scan but told me that it would be 'normal' and that with time and a lot of 'normal' CT scans in the future, my anxiety would lessen....blah, blah, blah.

So I had the CT and it came back abnormal. There are 6 nodules in my right lung. Fortunately, they are in the field that was radiated, which means that it is highly unlikely that this is a recurrence of lymphoma. Now they are thinking histoplasmosis (fungal infection) or bronchiolitis or something. I'm supposed to go in to the doc and get some fungal serology done and possibly start fluconizole.

There is never a dull day....but I will admit that it made me even more determined to eat right and lose weight. It was so obvious when I was in the rad oncs office that he felt my size played a role. Forget the fact that I have been overweight for a long time and havent' had this problem.....I could just read his mind. I hate that.

My new goal is a weight loss of 25 pounds by Christmas. I am 2 pounds there....so.....23 to go.

kris

[skinnymom]

After 2 weeks on Scarsdale you are supposed to be able to lose up to 20 pounds, with average weight loss being ~14. After 1 week, I have only lost.....2.5 pounds. I say *only*...though I know that some weight loss is better than no weight loss. It's just that I have been starving myself over here....eating pracitcally no calories at all (particularly in comparison to what I have been eating). I got down to a loss of 4.5 pounds 2 days ago but it slowly crept back up despite sticking with the diet.

My husband laughed at me this morning and then said "I will never look at a fat person again and think "get some control" He said "It can't be...You have eaten practically nothing this week." And it's true. I like the diet and the fact that I can have cottage cheese and fruit....but It was also supposed to serve up some quicker weight loss.

I am really angry this morning. I have gained 2 pounds in 2 days doing nothing wrong.....I could have eaten any *bad* foods and done that. Heck...I could have gotten totally off plan and probably stayed the same. I do not understand why my body has betrayed me ....all year. I have had no control over anything related to my body since Christmas time when the turmor was discovered. Since then, I've been at the mercy of my body...of medicines and doctors.....Still after all of this treatment is done I have no control. I'm starting to hate myself, hate trying to lose weight and I feel totally demotivated. Changing my eating habits was supposed to be about me taking back the control and getting in shape.

Everytime I come in, I read about how successful everyone is at losing all of this poundage....the weight is just falling off of a lot of people. For me, every pound is lost after way too much deprivation. I fear stepping on the scale because it either doesn't move or moves the wrong direction. I'm supposed to be rewarded for my hard work, aren't I?

How can someone eat less than 1000 calories a day and gain 2 pounds? I just don't get it.



kris

[lalabella]

hi Kris,
I know you don't know me, but... I was just reading your story and wanted to see how you are doing... you are amazing. I really hope things are going well for you!

I know what it feels like to eat so little and gain. Ugh.

Please check in and let us know how you are doing!!!

[skinnymom]

I wish I could edit the title of my thread...I'd like to change it

From now on, this thread is officially my body bootcamp journal....

I'm not sure why I can't edit, but...if any mods are reading, I'd like a thread title change please

I haven't been around for awhile ...and I have a lot of excuses...the real reason, of course, is that I fell off of the wagon and it has taken me some time to get my jiggly little booty back over here to get motivated again.

Today I started again. Fortunately, I'm only up 2 pounds from my low despite eating like a hooniac over the last couple of months....I'm so relieved to not have to be starting from scratch.

Since I last wrote, I have had a funky CT scan that scared us into thinking I was no longer in remission, followed by a clear CT that showed that there is no cancer...just a lot of scarring on my right lung thanks to the radiation.

Physically, I've been at a bit of a low point. I'm very exhausted...moreso than when I was undergoing treatment. I imagine that the radiation may have something to do with it and have heard that it can take people a year or more to get back to *normal* physically. I have the additional issue of difficulty exercising because of the lung scarring. Hopefully, this is something I'll be able to work around.

I don't really know why I'm telling you all this...I guess I just need to get it off of my chest.

I've been trying to walk a lot and am hoping to increase my energy/stamina.

It's tough though because by 2pm I just really feel ready to go to bed for the night. Hopefully, that will continue to improve.

Well people, I'm back on track....and I officially have decided to make losing the weight and getting healthy an important priority in my life.

kris