TeaandCakeorDeath's Journal

teaandcakeordeath · 06-09-2006, 10:15 AM

Figured it's probably a good idea to get this down and 'out' so to speak. Accountability and all.

Let's see when I little, I was scary thin and never ate. So much so my parents were bringing me to Dr's for fear of developmental problems etc. but once puberty hit that sort of took care of it'self. More on that in a moment. When I was 6 my father went into rehab for alcoholism. No one really explained itto me that I can remember just that Daddy was gone..I remember going to see him and seeing a hospital braclet on him and asking him if he was sick and him breaking down and crying...this was around the same time that my grandparents (whom I was always with) went through a NASTY divorce..I mean NASTY and my grandmother demanded sides be chosen..and if it was not her side the to hell with you she disowned you. So within the span of a year my whole world was upside down. When I was about 8 I started 'developing' so to speak and gained a significant amount of weight. So much so that I was not skinny anymore...but I was still the smart one in class and had all the makings of a great over achiever. It was that same time that my mother was diagnosed with fairly advanced uterine and ovarian cancer. She survived after treatment and surgery (and is still alive and kicking). But yet another wrench in my head.

I remember being 10 and 4'11 and 103 lbs. And my mother put me on my first diet. I should add that because she had gained a lot of weight after her hysterectomy she had become OBSESSED with Weight Watchers and losing it. It is sometihng to this day she does.

As I got older, I would put more and more pressure on myself to be the top of the class so to speak. Grade wise, athletics, you name it. I had to be in control. Eventually that carried over into food. Dad's staying sober, can't let him down. Grandma doesn't acknowledge you are alive, so you must not be good enough. Mom almost died, can't let her down. etc etc. I started feel empty emotionally, the best and the brightest yet completely empty. So it started to makes sense that when you are empty emotionally, you validate yourself physically. So I stopped eating. It was easier than you think to do. Didn't eat breakfast at home said was eating at school, didn't eat at school said ate at home. Lunch never interested me so I could get by with a diet coke and a pack of combos or something small. After school VBall or tennis practice. Dinner said ate after practice with teammates told teammates was eating at home. I took OTC diet pills like they were candy. Diuretics etc When I was 15-17 I weighed 139 and was a size six. Sounds heavy esp since I am 5'3 but kind in mind my wrists are 8.5 inches around. I define big-boned and not in a mean way. I was skeletal looking. I look back now and just want to give myself a hug. But back to the tale. When I was 17 I realized that I could 'eat' as long as it didn't stay down. And so began the bing/purge/starve cycle. In time I killed my stomach and the combo of throwing up and asthma made GERD a nearly permanent fixture. I was on protonix, Nexium, roliads, tums...nothing made it better. Digestion was not happening, things came out how they went in in most cases. Diagnosed with IBS and told to monitor my diet etc...oh and use senna laxatives daily. Yeah thanks already doing that. Started dating my first serious boyfriend, who was exactly what I didn't need. A bit of a delinquint, never going anywhere guy who needed a mother not a GF. It took 3 years and him punching his mother during a rage fit for me to realize it was time to say adios! By this time I was away at college...and finally trying to get a grip on myself. It was my dentist who first called my secret out. apparently all the purging had rotted out my incoming wisdom teeth. He told me that he would not tell my parents (I was over 18) but I needed to get help. I knew I was hurting myself and needed to stop. Started with support groups and therapy. Realized that I don't need a 4.0 to get the most out of college. Well rounded and involved with a 3.4 or so is better. I took charge and forced myself to break the cycle. Through therapy I realized that there were things in my life I had no control over and never really processed and made myself a victim of that. Once I started to verbalize things and realize there was so much that was not my fault but abusing myself was my fault.

Met another guy I THOUGHT was great...wrong there.. He was so insecure with himself (he even had already had a nose job at 20) that he knew exactly how he could boost his 5'9 180lbs self up on me. He used the line 'you need to be healthly' meaning the large spaghetti and meatballs he would get from the local pizza place. He didn't get it. At this point I was 155 and just getting my bearing again. To make a long story short..I had enough 2.5 years later of telling waitresses "does she look like she needs desert???" and ended it. I took a 2-3 year hiatus from men and learned who exactly I was and what was acceptable for ME and what I wanted etc.

In 2000, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. It was nice to know the months of passing out from cramps etc were something other than in my head. After all the test, my doctor, wanting to keep me able to have children if I want them put me on depo provera. Sept 2000 I was 160 lbs. Depo at first was a god send. No pain, no period, no migraines. However, with each shot my weight was climbing. Which I couldn't understand because I was doing WW at the time so I would not gain..faithfully. A year later I was 205. And horrified!!! My weight stayed between 205-235 for the next five years. I tried Atkins lose some get to 201 and not be able to break it. This happened a few times. I started to not take pictures of myself. I went off the Depo in 2003 figuring the weight would come off...nothing.

About it's been about 2 years now that I started seeing someone who is one of my best friends. For the first time in my life, I have a relationship with someone who let's me be me and vice versa, is one of my best friends and I feel like I have a grip on my life for the first time..well ever. I started Atkins in Jan 06 by late March an about 10lbs, after sticking to the guidelines I didn't lose what I considered to be acceptable. I was eating a lot of high fat, high calorie low carb foods and it just started grinding to a halt. Then I realize that there was no reason that I could eat more chicken and veggies and limit the other good stuff ( I LOVE MAYO like eat it with a spoon type love) to make it more 'bang for it's buck'. I found the Kimmer threads on the BB and just in reading I found a lot of the same principles I was doing myself..and was working.

I started using FitDay and measure my servings because of Kimmer and it REALLY opened my eyes. Since April I am down from 221 to 194!! During the week I low carb, low(er) fat and keep my calories in the 1000-1200 range. If I am hungry I eat. On the weekends I low carb. If I want a glass of wine or 2 I have them. From doing Atkins in the past I know my CCL is 55. So I just keep it under that. And it's working! I am eating more power packed foods then I ever have. I love spinach! love love love! I drink lots of water and still have a few diet sodas.

I find it highly offensive when reading these posts and seeing people throwing accusations about who has an eating disorder and who doesn't. We are all here because we have problem with food at some point and all trying to get a handle on it. There is so much more to an ED than just eating lots or not eating. Food like drugs, booze, hell even sex addictions can only be addressed honestly when you are ready to own it. Not some stranger who thinks because what happened to them thinks they know exactly what you are going through. What I can say to anyone who might read this who might be on a similiar path that I was...it can get better. It's a matter of realizing that YOU are the most important PERSON in your life and learning all the good and bad that means. Take it a day at a time, a meal at a time. Food is just the symptom in a lot of cases. Write a journal, get your thoughts down find what makes you feel better about the inner demon that's in control and then learn how you can squash it and day by day keep it squashed. If you are trying to lose weight. Find a plan that works for you, that YOU can live with...after all you are worth it

I just wish it didn't take me 28 years to figure that out.

(I apologize for any type o's...just had to go with the stream of consciousness

)

ChefDeb · 06-14-2006, 03:44 PM

Thanks for sharing yourself Kate. You have a lot to be proud of!
Hugs,
Deb

fergie303 · 12-04-2007, 10:56 AM

Amen Girl - I can relate to much of what you wrote. Your last paragraph sums it up to a tee. We all need to learn that it's ourself that we have to take care of - no one else will - our spouses, partners, friends or whatever, most could care less. This is something that one must do for their selves no matter what it is. Hang in there and we can ride this out together - One day at a time!

Michael

teaandcakeordeath · 12-07-2007, 07:58 AM

Ah what the heck, I'll do a quick update it's been over a year or so. I started back on low carb 11/1 after going off for about 11 months and eating just a GF diet. Put weight back on but felt better than I have in a long time and hopefully more nourished now than I was before since if gluten was the culprit I was not absorbing the nutrients I needed when I ate it.

I just shake my head at the the whole Kimkins debacle. And I am glad that she is getting her just deserts for the scam she pulled and is pulling. I thought something was off when she left because of being moved to 'other plans' and all of a sudden had a pay site...odd. I mean she seemed nice enough in the few interactions I had with her...but c'mon. I still think that there was some 'sense' in how I interpreted some of the advice. Because seeing what 'kimkins' became is DEFINITELY not I was reading and thinking it was ( I think that is a good thing )..who knows, I was not looking for a guru so maybe the manipulation was just lost on me. I thought of lower calories I was not thinking 500 or 800 everyday I was thinking 1000 as the lowest and even then not the norm. Where is the fun in that? Egg Whites are boring lol I still think and find that eating to appetite works for me. Some days are lower in calories and some days are higher...most are in the the 1200 range and have good amounts of fiber since there are lots of veggies. I try to use lower fat meats like ground chicken and turkey instead of ground beef esp in dishes I will be adding additional fat into. It works for me!

This go around I have been a lot more proactive. Making my own lunches and dinner....not ordering out 2-3 nights a week saves a lot of money!!! I really do feel the best when I am watching my carbs and watching my gluten just makes it that much better...I am going to try to journal a bit more..if nothing else it helps kill time at work

marnie4949 · 12-10-2007, 03:17 AM

Glad to have you back. You have had an interesting life and learned a lot along the way. I look foreword to reading your posts.

Star Shine · 12-16-2007, 12:35 PM

Love the Eddie Izzard title!

I have endo too and it sucks. I'm glad to know I'm not alone! I am looking forward to hearing more from you, "Cake or Death"!

06-09-2006, 10:15 AM	#1
teaandcakeordeath Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boston Posts: 92 Gallery: teaandcakeordeath Stats: 225/211/160 WOE: Low Carb/GF Start Date: restart 11/1/07	TeaandCakeorDeath's Journal Figured it's probably a good idea to get this down and 'out' so to speak. Accountability and all. Let's see when I little, I was scary thin and never ate. So much so my parents were bringing me to Dr's for fear of developmental problems etc. but once puberty hit that sort of took care of it'self. More on that in a moment. When I was 6 my father went into rehab for alcoholism. No one really explained itto me that I can remember just that Daddy was gone..I remember going to see him and seeing a hospital braclet on him and asking him if he was sick and him breaking down and crying...this was around the same time that my grandparents (whom I was always with) went through a NASTY divorce..I mean NASTY and my grandmother demanded sides be chosen..and if it was not her side the to hell with you she disowned you. So within the span of a year my whole world was upside down. When I was about 8 I started 'developing' so to speak and gained a significant amount of weight. So much so that I was not skinny anymore...but I was still the smart one in class and had all the makings of a great over achiever. It was that same time that my mother was diagnosed with fairly advanced uterine and ovarian cancer. She survived after treatment and surgery (and is still alive and kicking). But yet another wrench in my head. I remember being 10 and 4'11 and 103 lbs. And my mother put me on my first diet. I should add that because she had gained a lot of weight after her hysterectomy she had become OBSESSED with Weight Watchers and losing it. It is sometihng to this day she does. As I got older, I would put more and more pressure on myself to be the top of the class so to speak. Grade wise, athletics, you name it. I had to be in control. Eventually that carried over into food. Dad's staying sober, can't let him down. Grandma doesn't acknowledge you are alive, so you must not be good enough. Mom almost died, can't let her down. etc etc. I started feel empty emotionally, the best and the brightest yet completely empty. So it started to makes sense that when you are empty emotionally, you validate yourself physically. So I stopped eating. It was easier than you think to do. Didn't eat breakfast at home said was eating at school, didn't eat at school said ate at home. Lunch never interested me so I could get by with a diet coke and a pack of combos or something small. After school VBall or tennis practice. Dinner said ate after practice with teammates told teammates was eating at home. I took OTC diet pills like they were candy. Diuretics etc When I was 15-17 I weighed 139 and was a size six. Sounds heavy esp since I am 5'3 but kind in mind my wrists are 8.5 inches around. I define big-boned and not in a mean way. I was skeletal looking. I look back now and just want to give myself a hug. But back to the tale. When I was 17 I realized that I could 'eat' as long as it didn't stay down. And so began the bing/purge/starve cycle. In time I killed my stomach and the combo of throwing up and asthma made GERD a nearly permanent fixture. I was on protonix, Nexium, roliads, tums...nothing made it better. Digestion was not happening, things came out how they went in in most cases. Diagnosed with IBS and told to monitor my diet etc...oh and use senna laxatives daily. Yeah thanks already doing that. Started dating my first serious boyfriend, who was exactly what I didn't need. A bit of a delinquint, never going anywhere guy who needed a mother not a GF. It took 3 years and him punching his mother during a rage fit for me to realize it was time to say adios! By this time I was away at college...and finally trying to get a grip on myself. It was my dentist who first called my secret out. apparently all the purging had rotted out my incoming wisdom teeth. He told me that he would not tell my parents (I was over 18) but I needed to get help. I knew I was hurting myself and needed to stop. Started with support groups and therapy. Realized that I don't need a 4.0 to get the most out of college. Well rounded and involved with a 3.4 or so is better. I took charge and forced myself to break the cycle. Through therapy I realized that there were things in my life I had no control over and never really processed and made myself a victim of that. Once I started to verbalize things and realize there was so much that was not my fault but abusing myself was my fault. Met another guy I THOUGHT was great...wrong there.. He was so insecure with himself (he even had already had a nose job at 20) that he knew exactly how he could boost his 5'9 180lbs self up on me. He used the line 'you need to be healthly' meaning the large spaghetti and meatballs he would get from the local pizza place. He didn't get it. At this point I was 155 and just getting my bearing again. To make a long story short..I had enough 2.5 years later of telling waitresses "does she look like she needs desert???" and ended it. I took a 2-3 year hiatus from men and learned who exactly I was and what was acceptable for ME and what I wanted etc. In 2000, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. It was nice to know the months of passing out from cramps etc were something other than in my head. After all the test, my doctor, wanting to keep me able to have children if I want them put me on depo provera. Sept 2000 I was 160 lbs. Depo at first was a god send. No pain, no period, no migraines. However, with each shot my weight was climbing. Which I couldn't understand because I was doing WW at the time so I would not gain..faithfully. A year later I was 205. And horrified!!! My weight stayed between 205-235 for the next five years. I tried Atkins lose some get to 201 and not be able to break it. This happened a few times. I started to not take pictures of myself. I went off the Depo in 2003 figuring the weight would come off...nothing. About it's been about 2 years now that I started seeing someone who is one of my best friends. For the first time in my life, I have a relationship with someone who let's me be me and vice versa, is one of my best friends and I feel like I have a grip on my life for the first time..well ever. I started Atkins in Jan 06 by late March an about 10lbs, after sticking to the guidelines I didn't lose what I considered to be acceptable. I was eating a lot of high fat, high calorie low carb foods and it just started grinding to a halt. Then I realize that there was no reason that I could eat more chicken and veggies and limit the other good stuff ( I LOVE MAYO like eat it with a spoon type love) to make it more 'bang for it's buck'. I found the Kimmer threads on the BB and just in reading I found a lot of the same principles I was doing myself..and was working. I started using FitDay and measure my servings because of Kimmer and it REALLY opened my eyes. Since April I am down from 221 to 194!! During the week I low carb, low(er) fat and keep my calories in the 1000-1200 range. If I am hungry I eat. On the weekends I low carb. If I want a glass of wine or 2 I have them. From doing Atkins in the past I know my CCL is 55. So I just keep it under that. And it's working! I am eating more power packed foods then I ever have. I love spinach! love love love! I drink lots of water and still have a few diet sodas. I find it highly offensive when reading these posts and seeing people throwing accusations about who has an eating disorder and who doesn't. We are all here because we have problem with food at some point and all trying to get a handle on it. There is so much more to an ED than just eating lots or not eating. Food like drugs, booze, hell even sex addictions can only be addressed honestly when you are ready to own it. Not some stranger who thinks because what happened to them thinks they know exactly what you are going through. What I can say to anyone who might read this who might be on a similiar path that I was...it can get better. It's a matter of realizing that YOU are the most important PERSON in your life and learning all the good and bad that means. Take it a day at a time, a meal at a time. Food is just the symptom in a lot of cases. Write a journal, get your thoughts down find what makes you feel better about the inner demon that's in control and then learn how you can squash it and day by day keep it squashed. If you are trying to lose weight. Find a plan that works for you, that YOU can live with...after all you are worth it I just wish it didn't take me 28 years to figure that out. (I apologize for any type o's...just had to go with the stream of consciousness ) __________________ -Kate "Sarcasm is just one of the many services I provide" 'So using Fitday, is sort of like rotofantasy baseball??' -DBF 'Well yes, minus the trade offers' - Me I finally (wo)manned it up and wrote a who I am journal "I type faster than I think...hence the typos all over"

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06-14-2006, 03:44 PM	#2
ChefDeb MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Iowa Posts: 1,680 Gallery: ChefDeb Stats: 240/191/150 WOE: Eat Fat, Get Thin Start Date: 12/2005 - Atkins	Thanks for sharing yourself Kate. You have a lot to be proud of! Hugs, Deb

12-04-2007, 10:56 AM	#3
fergie303 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Fort Worth, Texas USA Posts: 177 Gallery: fergie303 Stats: 300/230/170 BMI: 31.2 WOE: Atkins Start Date: July 2007	Amen Girl - I can relate to much of what you wrote. Your last paragraph sums it up to a tee. We all need to learn that it's ourself that we have to take care of - no one else will - our spouses, partners, friends or whatever, most could care less. This is something that one must do for their selves no matter what it is. Hang in there and we can ride this out together - One day at a time! Michael

12-07-2007, 07:58 AM	#4
teaandcakeordeath Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boston Posts: 92 Gallery: teaandcakeordeath Stats: 225/211/160 WOE: Low Carb/GF Start Date: restart 11/1/07	Ah what the heck, I'll do a quick update it's been over a year or so. I started back on low carb 11/1 after going off for about 11 months and eating just a GF diet. Put weight back on but felt better than I have in a long time and hopefully more nourished now than I was before since if gluten was the culprit I was not absorbing the nutrients I needed when I ate it. I just shake my head at the the whole Kimkins debacle. And I am glad that she is getting her just deserts for the scam she pulled and is pulling. I thought something was off when she left because of being moved to 'other plans' and all of a sudden had a pay site...odd. I mean she seemed nice enough in the few interactions I had with her...but c'mon. I still think that there was some 'sense' in how I interpreted some of the advice. Because seeing what 'kimkins' became is DEFINITELY not I was reading and thinking it was ( I think that is a good thing )..who knows, I was not looking for a guru so maybe the manipulation was just lost on me. I thought of lower calories I was not thinking 500 or 800 everyday I was thinking 1000 as the lowest and even then not the norm. Where is the fun in that? Egg Whites are boring lol I still think and find that eating to appetite works for me. Some days are lower in calories and some days are higher...most are in the the 1200 range and have good amounts of fiber since there are lots of veggies. I try to use lower fat meats like ground chicken and turkey instead of ground beef esp in dishes I will be adding additional fat into. It works for me! This go around I have been a lot more proactive. Making my own lunches and dinner....not ordering out 2-3 nights a week saves a lot of money!!! I really do feel the best when I am watching my carbs and watching my gluten just makes it that much better...I am going to try to journal a bit more..if nothing else it helps kill time at work

12-10-2007, 03:17 AM	#5
marnie4949 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Monongahela, PA Posts: 93 Gallery: marnie4949 Stats: 270/230/140 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1960 - in it for life!	Glad to have you back. You have had an interesting life and learned a lot along the way. I look foreword to reading your posts.

12-16-2007, 12:35 PM	#6
Star Shine Junior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Houston Posts: 57 Gallery: Star Shine Stats: 266/253/170 5'7" WOE: Atkins Start Date: October 29, 2007	Love the Eddie Izzard title! I have endo too and it sucks. I'm glad to know I'm not alone! I am looking forward to hearing more from you, "Cake or Death"!