Sick and tired... of being sick and tired

[Andrea78]

Today I am recomitting to my weight loss goals and decided to start a little blog here. I have been going at low carb really half assed and today is my first day truely back on Dr. Atkins plan the way he intended it. I know it works, it's just a matter of sticking to it. I want this bad. I discovered Atkins 4 years ago. The first time I did two weeks induction I lost 15 pounds in my FIRST WEEK. I was floored. But since then I have been stuck in a lose some, gain some back vicious cycle and I need to put a stop to it before I drive myself insane.

I have been a member of LCF now for 4 years....and made little to no progress. I feel like such a failure. I'm always angry, moody and depressed....as well as self conscious and ashamed of myself. I look at everyone else's major successes on here and think "Why can't that be me?" I could sit here all day and wonder that. I guess I just answered my question. I do too much thinking and not enough doing.

I'm a binger and a starver. I know I have an eating disorder and up until this point I have been too afraid to openly admit it. Just when I get going good, eating healthy and normally on low carb, something in my mind thinks "oh my god, you're eating so much food that cant be good!!" so i starve myself by cutting down to one meal a day thinking "oh i will lose faster this way". Then I get so ravenous, I binge on everything. I go on massive binges. I am too ashamed to list a typical binge. I have to stop this insanity. I know my thinking isn't logical, that eating microscopic amounts of food = greater weight loss. That's just the disorder talking. I have to shut that voice up. I used to want to lose weight super fast, like 30 pounds a month. I know now that is crazy. I set all these unrealistic goals for myself then when I fail, I just give up, throw my hands in the air and stuff donuts in my face (or whatever evil is around me) til I get sick. I know if I lose weight too fast there is a bigger chance of me having a bunch of loose nasty skin hangin that I don't want. I realize now losing weight takes time. It takes time because I don't want to immediatley gain it all back the minute I stop starving myself. Thanks to Dr Atkins I don't have to starve myself. I have to keep telling myself that and not be afraid to eat. I need to be able not only to lose weight, but to keep it off for good. I can't do that by crash dieting.

I have to make this a way of life. I will admit, I was up until this point a crash dieter. I am done with that. I want to take at least the next year out of my life to focus on not only losing weight, but becoming healthy. That means not putting junk into my body, exercising and drinking water. All these things I fail to do.

All this is so overwhelming...I know I can't do it all at once, so I will take it one day at a time. It sounds cliche, but that's the best advice anyone has ever given me. Take it one day at a time.

So here I am. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will focus on being healthy today. Today I will stick to induction and get on my treadmill and drink my water. Today I will try to look in the mirror and say something good about myself. Today I will try to be nice. Being fat has made me a very bitter person. Not because of everybody else but because I let it make me that way. I am taking full responsibility for this. Me getting this way is no one's fault but mine.

It's time to take responsibility and get on with my life. It's time to sh*t or get off the pot.