Colo Alex - Finding 'me' Journey

[Colo Alex]

May 15, 2006

Not a good weekend! I really blew it. I have not gone off plan and binged since I started in January. I did this weekend. I am really angry with myself today. I feel sluggish and sick this morning. I plan on fasting today to clean out my system. It all started on Friday. I was out of town for an event sale and we were giving away hotdogs. Well, I was just going to have a couple without the buns. I really don’t know what happened, but I ended up eating two with buns. On the drive home I berated myself. That night I took my wife out. We have not been out in months. We went to the Outback. I ordered a steak. No problem right? Wrong. I had three coconut shrimp, a salad, my steak, a sweet potato, and some bread. What an idiot. The old urges swarmed in. I could hear myself saying that one meal would not be the end of the world. It continued on Sunday. I had two bowls of cereal! What the heck is going on? I then had two slices of bread. Good grief! Well when it was all said and done I ate too much, off plan, and just out and out blew it! I am really embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I felt sick last night and my stomach has been upset all night and this morning. It was not worth it. I just don’t understand how I lost control. How could I be so weak? I am ashamed.

Prior to this weekend my weight had been fluctuating between 224 and 227. Up and down. It has done this before. It seems to fight like this after a few weeks of good losses so I wasn’t too concerned. Now after this weekend I don’t know what I have done. This morning I was at 227.6 pounds. Ugh! It is so frustrating. Well, I am hoping that after I give it some time, all that salty, bad food will pass and I’ll be back to where I was last week. I’ve just got to do something about the mental side and make sure I do not have another lapse. Gosh, 4 months of doing so good, and then one weekend can make me feel like such a failure! I need to get past this. Like I said, I will be fasting today and I will see what happens. Just water. Lots, and lots of water.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Currently on OWL: Weight: 227.6
Current goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

Oh Alex...don't beat yourself up. You got off track, but you are aware of your slide and your correcting it. Look at your past...when you slide what happened? did you give up completely? a weekend turns into a week...then into a month. Your doing great and your making yourself aware that you went off track and now today is a new day...just get through today. Talk a walk that will make you feel better physically and help get all the food from the weekend out of your system. Exercise will use up those carbs...I don't know about fasting today? Will that make you so hungry that you don't stay on program? Maybe just protein today....get your body back in to ketosis and losing again. Failure is an opinion...don't let this make you feel you have failed. Thomas Edison once said...I have not failed...I have found 10,000 ways that don't work. So you have found one that doesn't work. You know that one extra leads to more than you can handle right now....your strong you can do this.

Alex

[Colo Alex]

Alex - You are very sweet. Thanks for the pick-me-up. You have always been very encouraging. Thanks, I needed it. I just get so angry when I seem to lose control. I think fasting for a day is my way of punishing myself for the unacceptable behavior. I know, I'm weird. Thanks for your kind words, they are always welcome.


May 18, 2006

Well, I am in a better frame of mind today. I still am fighting with weight right now. I am back down to 225 but it is holding. Up a little, down a little. It has been a tough week! My body acts like it doesn’t want to go under 225. I know that I will be fine in a couple of weeks, but it is frustrating. I hope that it will break soon. I fasted for just one day and I ate very light the next. I have been eating exactly to plan lately and it should start coming off again. I just want it to come off faster. These kinds of reactions make me nervous for when I start on to maintenance. What will happen when I start adding Carbs back in? I will have to be very careful. Work has been very busy and the kids are almost out of school. I love the summer, and soccer is about done, so we can go hiking etc on the weekends. I can’t wait.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Currently on OWL: Weight: 225.0
Current goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

Hang in there Alex! It will come off...I stayed the same for 3 weeks then woosh down 5 pounds this week for a total of 13!!

I am looking forward to summer also....the boys will get up and walk with me in the mornings! Some days a good thing somedays I would rather be alone..LOL

I am going to check out a gym that opened here. I live in a ver small town and a "Curves" type place just opened. I am either going to do that or go back to the aerobics classes again. I walk on the treadmill and walk at the High School track, but I am looking for more.

Have a great week! Hang in there! Your doing great!!

[Colo Alex]

May 25, 2006

Boy! I feel like I am in a battle with my body. This last week my weight stayed on exactly 225.6 pounds for 5+ days. That is really unusual for me as the weight loss has been pretty steady at around 2 pounds a week since induction. For me to jump up and down around the same weight for 2 weeks is not normal. Anyway, the last two days I have seen drops so I am a little bit happier. Today I am at 223.4 and that is Ok. I would really like to be under 220 by now, but I guess I’ve got to take it as it comes. We are going to go visit my sister in Denver this weekend (4 days) so I have got to really be careful about what I eat. I don’t want to ruin any momentum that I now seem to have so I need to be very diligent on what I am eating. I am looking forward to getting away, however. It will be nice to escape for a few days.

One really cool thing….. today I am wearing size 36 jeans!!! They are not tight and they feel great. I have been getting more compliments lately as well, so that has made me pretty happy. My 38’s are feeling too loose and I have had to get a smaller belt. I can’t believe how far I’ve come. But still, it is barely half way. It seems like so far to go. But, I just need to keep on going. It’s not hard for crying out loud. When I think about it, it is really quite an easy plan to follow. Some days the bingeing desire is really strong. And being a man, I can’t blame it on TOM, so I don’t know what causes it. But when it comes on, it really is tough. I try to only eat on plan, but overeating still stalls me. I hope one day it won’t affect me anymore.

I have really been enjoying my hikes at lunch. The area around the Colorado National Monument is wonderful. Lots of trails and beautiful scenery. It does tend to get a little hot however. I really need more time at lunch!!! Oh well, now that it stays light for so long, I should come after dinner for a couple of hours. Maybe I will!

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Currently on OWL: Weight: 223.4
Current goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

Good Job Alex!! Hang in there...your doing great. The scale will move...but that's a great feeling when your pants are loose and you need a smaller belt.

I bought a pool pass for me and the boys for the summer so I am going to add swimming everyday at lunch to my walking...I want to kick start my losing again. Went to the Dr and I have lost 16 pounds since my last visit...of course my starting weight with him was a little higher than when I started posting here.

Have a great weekend! Enjoy your visit with your sister...stick with the plan!

[Colo Alex]

June 6, 2006

It has been over a week since my last post. I am still struggling with loss. I am currently at 222.6 which is down about a pound from last week. At least I am down. I think I have solved some issues and am entering a loss period. It is weird, I can sort of “feel” when I am losing. I feel “right.” I don’t know how else to explain it, but I think the next few days should see more loss.

A really good friend passed away last week. She had cancer. It was sad, but she was in a lot of pain. I will miss my friend Sarah. She was a great person. I know she would be proud of me.
I have been getting a lot more compliments lately. I wish I felt as good about myself as some of the other people do. It’s odd, I feel proud of myself for the loss, but still see all the flab and pounds that still need to come off, and I get down. How is it possible to feel proud, happy, upset, sad, depressed, excited, and hopeful all at the same time? I don’t know, but I really do. Oh well, my resolve is very strong right now and I feel very positive. I can’t wait to be under 220. That will be great. Hopefully very soon. My size 38 jeans are definitely too big now, and the 36’s fit pretty good. I’m starting to feel a little more “normal.” That sounds conceited or even mean to obese people, but to be able to buy clothes right off the rack and not look for the “big and tall” sizes is wonderful. I even tried on a suit the other day, in a regular store! No special sizes or anything. Wow, I can’t wait till I am closer to goal and can but new clothes. Right now I just buy the minimum to get by with cause I am still losing and don’t need a bunch of clothes that are too big. So, I end up wearing the clothes that are too big for too long, then get clothes that actually fit. It’s funny, when I buy new clothes is when people really notice the weight loss. My Mom said to me the other day, “Wow, I don’t think I have ever seen your shirt flap in the wind like this before.” It wasn’t even an oversized shirt. It’s the little things that make me smile.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Currently on OWL: Weight: 222.6
Current goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

How is it possible to feel proud, happy, upset, sad, depressed, excited, and hopeful all at the same time?

I know the exact feeling...somedays are better than others. Who will I be when I am thin....I know how to be an over weight mom, sister, daughter. I know how to be someone on a diet...trying to lose weight...always striving for a goal. Finiding me in all this mess is scary.

Your doing great! Keep writing it down...putting it in writing makes is sort itself out.

Have a great day! alex

[Colo Alex]

June 9, 2006

A.T. - Thanks for checking in on me. It really helps. I hope all is well with you and you too, have a great day!

I had a great experience last night. It was my wife’s birthday and she wanted to go to Red Lobster. I was worried all day that I was going to blow it and kill my weight loss momentum. In the past I would order the Coconut Shrimp appetizer, then have the full-size Shrimp Pasta, have a cup of clam chowder, and lots of those great biscuits. Well, I was really in control of myself. I did not have an appetizer, had a great Caesar salad, and for my main meal had a great combo of grilled shrimp and pan-seared scallops. The meal tasted fantastic, I was happy and I did not leave the restaurant feeling stuffed. The best part was this morning when I weighed-in at 220.0 on the nose! Down 2.6 pounds since Tuesday. Wow, what a great feeling. The 2-teens are in my sight. Then 2-oh’s and then onederland!! Man, I really feel like I will get there this time!

I haven’t computed my BMI in a long time. Today I am no longer Obese!! I am now Overweight! How silly is it to rejoice for being overweight??? Well, I don’t care, I am rejoicing. Here is my history with regards to BMI:

September 2003: 40.3 Obese III – Morbid
January 2006: 36.3 Obese II
June 9, 2006: 29.8 Overweight

I can’t believe how happy I am to be Overweight. I, know, I’m weird. I can’t believe the changes I’m seeing in myself. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. My gosh, what will I be like when I am at 185??? What pant size will I be wearing?? I can’t wait to find out. This is a great journey and I am confident that I am finding me.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Currently on OWL: Weight: 220.0
Current goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

WAY TO GO!!! Good job on the Birthday meal...it's a great feeling to fell satisfied and not stuffed and guilty!!

I do the same thing with my BMI...the software that use to track my weigh in's shows your BMI when you check in. I do the samet thing when mine goes down a point....I will be jumping up and down when I change catagories!!

Have a good weekend!

[Colo Alex]

June 29, 2006

It has been 20 days since I last posted. Some things have happened to me and I have learned even more about the person I am. I am a food addict and I am a major binger. This is not a new revelation, but my actions over the last couple of weeks have reminded me of how difficult it is. I have to remind myself that this addiction will never go away. I will always be this way. In looking back on the last two weeks, I was completely aware that I was behaving badly, but I couldn’t seem to stop the behavior. It is truly an amazing thing. I am gaining a much better respect and understanding for other addicts. I can be eating something horrible and thinking at the same time that I should not be doing this, but I still do. It seems that once I give in to temptation, then it just snowballs.

It all started with some voice in my brain saying that it was ok to eat a small piece of my son’s birthday cake. That led to a second piece later that night, and some m&m’s. There was the anniversary meal the next week when I had steak and veggies. Ok, that’s fine. Then I had some of the bread and ended up with a huge piece of cheesecake later that night. Uggh! I felt physically ill later that night and the meal stuck with me for days. Then it was just stupid things like, peanut butter sandwiches, cereal, toast, doughnuts, you name it.

There must be some kind of chemical problem that causes this, because it doesn’t make any sense. It makes me angry, and disappointed that I cannot control this all the time. I am an adult man. What is wrong with me?

Sometimes I wonder if it is just the food craving or if it is also the “sneaking around” or “doing what is bad” aspect that drives this behavior. I really don’t know.

The good news is I am done with this behavior (for now) and I feel in control. Monday I stopped binging and got back to plan. I gained three pounds in this time frame and now have lost those three plus one more.

This is very confusing to me and I am still trying to figure out what the real triggers are. It is kind of scary to know that I can get that out of control. However, in the past instead of one doughnut, I would have eaten the entire box with a huge jug of chocolate milk. And the other binges would have been much worse as well. So, as I lose weight and stay on this plan I feel that I am getting better, but not “well.” Does any of this make sense? Well, anyway, I do feel totally in control right now and have done very well this week. Today I am 219 pounds and pretty happy. I’ll keep observing myself and try to find those terrible triggers.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Currently on OWL: Weight: 219.0
Current goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

"Never give up, never surrender!" - Galaxy Quest

If I may take your own quote and have you read it again!! Good Job recovering!! I feel myself binging and cheating when things are going really well. I am trying to determine if I am more afraid of failing again or success? I seem to do really well for weeks and then WHAM start cheating. Personally I cheat and binge when my life gets out of control...things going wrong that I can't cnotrol or change...my eating I can control completely. It's like a rebellion against all the other things in my life I can't control this one I can. Eating healthy and exercise are to a point a controlling force and when I feel pressure from other "LIFE" things this is one controlling force I can rebel against I can control it.

I am very proud of you for gaining control again and recovering quickly.

Keep up the good work!! alex

[TaDa!]

Hi Alex, Thanks for pm'ing me bud. I only realized in the last year or so that I suffer from binge eating disorder. I have read a lot of books on how to start to recover from it.

One thing that has stood out for me and actually allowed me to move on from uncontrollable binge eating was to discover the concept of the binge - restrict - binge cycle that is common to all of us binge eaters. We binge, then that internal voice comes and tell us how terrible and weak and lazy we are, so we "restrict." In other words, we get back on the strictest plan we know. This restriction causes us to rebel and binge again ... we corral ourselves back and again to restriction ... repeating this over and over again.

I broke the cycle by realizing that deep inside of me is someone who rebels against all these strict unfair rules and that I needed to make my plan liveable. I am not saying cheat "because you deserve it." Absolutely not. I am talking about finding a happy medium within your food plan where you **go by the book** but you take the slower surer route to weightloss ... a way that will stop the inner you from feeling so threatened ...

What the h* am I talking about? Well for me, that meant, on Atkins OWL, upping my daily carbs and daily calorie intake to a liveable level. I started upping by going to 1600 calories/40 carbs (I was at 1200/20) and then once I stabilized (i.e. stopped the bingeing and craving), I started up the Carb Ladder -- by the book, adding carbs and new foods incrementally to where I was still losing weight at 2000 calories/70 net carbs ... as a guy, your level would probably be much higher than that ...

Anyhow. A few ideas for you. Here is a link to some reading materials on binge eating and self-image, etc:

Your Cure. Have You Tried To Discover Why You are Overweight or Obese?

I will be going offline for the next 10 days starting tomorrow!!! I may get a shot at a computer here and there, but it isn't guaranteed. I am glad you caught me.



Pauline

[AlexTucker]

Hey Alex....How's it going?? I miss your posts!

[Colo Alex]

October 16, 2006

Wow, what a rough time I have had. The last three months have been so stressful. What has made it worse is how weak I have been. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by my eating. I’ve really let myself down. July, August, and September I just couldn’t seem to keep it all together. I can’t blame any one event just my lack of will power. It is all connected…. My ability to eat right, incredible stress at work, my personal life, all of these things seem to go together. When one is “down” they all seem to follow.
It is SO frustrating. To know in my mind that what I’m eating is wrong, and is killing me, yet finding myself eating it all the same. I just want to scream… “What is wrong with me????!!!” I am just disgusted with myself.

My addiction is trying to kill me. I have got to figure this out.

My last post here was the end of June. I was struggling. I was up and down with my weight and could not seem to get lower than 217. The last three months I’ve re-started, and gone off plan many times. I have not been disciplined or committed to this. I don’t know why, but I have been very weak with temptations. On my last post I weighed 219 pounds. As of today I am at 233. Yes, I am obese again. What a heartbreaker.

Physically, I feel ill, tired, or under the weather most of the time. I know it is due to poor eating and low activity levels. I must find the answer.

I need to find the man I was when I was losing the weight and committed to low-carbing. I need to be stronger. I’ve gained back 14 pounds. 14 pounds that I struggled and worked hard to lose. 14 pounds that I thought I would never see again. 14 pounds that are crushing my spirit.

I have felt so down lately. I can’t shake it. I know it is all related. My self-esteem is way down. I know that I have to help myself. No one else can do this. It’s just me vs. me.

So, I’m back on the board, back on induction, back on exercise. I’m not ready to quit. I’m ready to win again. Today is day one. I know it will be hard. I know my addiction will never go away. But somehow I will beat this. I have to. I will take small steps. Small victories. Small goals. My first goal is to stay on plan, and exercise today. The second goal is to stretch that out to a week, then two weeks, then a month. I know I can do this, I done it before.

I’m ready to start fighting again. I must remain focused and determined. Guilt and disgust do not work. Determination and strength do work. That is where I need to focus. I must concentrate on success, not failure. I can do this. Keep going.

Never give up, Never surrender!

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Current Weight: 233
Goal weight: 185

[AlexTucker]

Welcome back!! I joined another board for help, support and advice. It's completely low-carb nothing else. PM me and I will tell you all about it!

[Colo Alex]

Thanks Alex,

It is good to hear from you. I hope all is well.

[Colo Alex]

October 30, 2006

It has been two weeks since my re-start. It has not been easy but I have managed to lose 8 pounds. I am now at 225 pounds. Still a long way from where I want to be but I am pleased with my progress so far. The cravings for sweets and other carbs are very strong but so far I have not caved. I know the longer I stick it out the easier it will be. It is just hard right now. Personal issues at home are not helping my will power.

My eating has been pretty good, but I need to up my exercise. I am using “time” as an excuse and I need to stop it! “I don’t have time to walk; I don’t have time to use the elliptical; I don’t have time to lift weights.” Well, I don’t have time to be fat and lazy either! So I plan on walking everyday at lunch and either lifting or using the elliptical at home every night.

It is less than 4 weeks till Thanksgiving and I would really like to lose another 10 pounds by then. More would be great, but I will take what I can get at this point. I know the pounds are not going to come off as easily as they did when I was 297. I also know that if I follow my eating plan and exercise that I will lose weight. I just have to win the battles. One day at a time; one hour at a time; and even one minute at a time.

I am entering a tough time of the year to be losing weight. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are full of temptations. I must be my strongest. I must stay busy and keep exercising. I can win if I work hard and stay focused.

It’s interesting, I hope that some day I won’t have to fight any more. I hope one day it will just be “normal.” What would my life be like if I did not have to worry, or battle over my weight? I intend to find out.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Current Weight: 225
Goal weight: 185

[Colo Alex]

I'm still here. Still fighting. I wish I could find a real answer for my biggest problem. I really seem to fight the "binge beast." It is funny. I don't binge on cookies, or doughnuts or junk food. I end up eating cereal and bread. They have always been so hard for me to give up on this plan. The cravings get so bad at times and I have given in from time to time. But I'm still here, I'm still fighting. I refuse to go up a pant size so I'm still fighting. It is MUCH harder this time around. I'm looking for the answer, and I have not given up. I'm at 235 right now and losing slowly. Just not as fast as before. I think I will try to get more exercise. Hope that it will get my matabolism cranking.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted January 10 2006: Weight: 266
Current Weight: 235
Goal weight: 185

[monet0329]

hey there.. good to see ya again.. you'll get it hun.. one day you will wake up and just think.. I'M DONE WITH THIS... and you'll just KNOW its now or never..when that day comes.. you 'll know.. and you wont do this for anyone but YOU.. your so worth it..

hang in there and keep plugging away... and I am here for ya hun...

[Colo Alex]

Hi monet! Nice of you to drop in. Thanks for the positive words. I'm still trying to find what makes me tick and what makes me do certain things. I'm working on it and I think I'm makine progress. Thanks for checking up on me.




January 24, 2007

Well, I feel like I’m back in control. I have not lost weight for a few days, but I can feel it coming on. I started walking again yesterday. Boy, am I out of shape. I am really frustrated with myself right now. I keep asking myself WHY? Why did I go off plan when I was down to 217? Why did I stop exercising? Why did I eat bad things? I still do not know how I can be so weak. Sometimes I think that I have to be so strong in all aspects of my life, that I allow myself to be weak with food. I don’t know if this is real or not, but it seems logical. Well, I need to stay in control. It is hard, but I know I have to do this. I feel so much better when I am eating right and exercising. I’ve got to find a way to maintain and not give in. I’ll keep fighting, but I want there to be a time when I don’t have to fight. When I don’t have to obsess over food. When I can just be normal.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted a few times since January 2006: Weight: 266
Current Weight: 235
Goal weight: 185

[monet0329]

Your welcome.. and on the walking.. thats great!!.. I need a kick in the butt myself to get on my treadmill.. .. way to cold to walk outside.. brrrrr

[Colo Alex]

January 25, 2007

I feel pretty good today. I’m not asking myself why anymore, just telling myself to get out there and do it. I hiked the two miles yesterday at lunch and today I was down a pound. I was glad to see the scale drop finally. I’m trying some different snack items to eat between breakfast (6:00am) and lunch (1:00pm) so I’m not so hungry when lunch comes. I’m trying some almonds today. One ounce has only 6 carbs and 3.5 fiber. I’m hoping it will take the edge off the hunger.
Today at work we have a birthday cake for an employee. It looks really good, but I’m not touching it. It is really interesting how my body thinks it is hungry just by looking at some foods. I know that it is not, so I am winning today.
I know that the Binge/restrict cycle is very bad for me, so I am t