Colo Alex - Finding 'me' Journey

[Colo Alex]

May 1, 2008

Thursday. A little trip up after an incredibly stressful meeting on Tuesday night. Ok, I’m not perfect. (boy is THAT a understatement!) Moving on today. I am still weighing once a week so I won’t see if my little splurge hurt. Probably a good thing. I am serious this time and will not let this one small trip turn into a big problem. So onward!

Need to stay focused this month and make some more progress.

p.s. It snowed this morning!!

[monet0329]

[quote=Colo Alex;10260580]May 1, 2008

Thursday. A little trip up after an incredibly stressful meeting on Tuesday night. Ok, I’m not perfect. (boy is THAT a understatement!) Moving on today. I am still weighing once a week so I won’t see if my little splurge hurt. Probably a good thing. I am serious this time and will not let this one small trip turn into a big problem. So onward!

Need to stay focused this month and make some more progress.

p.s. It snowed this morning!![/QUOTE]

sorry.. will it ever stop?.. grrr

you have a great weekend .. and be strong!!

[Colo Alex]

Nothing to say. Been sick all weekend and feel awful now. More when I'm among the living again.

[TaDa!]

I hope you feel better soon Alex!!!!!



P

[monet0329]

Originally Posted by Colo Alex

Nothing to say. Been sick all weekend and feel awful now. More when I'm among the living again.

Aww.. sorry your not feeling well my friend..

[TaDa!]

Hiya Alex, I just thought I'd pop in and say "Hi"! I bet the hiking is pretty awesome right now .. The bird symphonies have started here ... amazing how darn noisy it can be here in the good weather .. lol! and the grasshoppers and frogs in the swamp have not even started yet!!

I hope you are enjoying your Spring!

big

Pauline

[monet0329]

......................


Miss ya

[Mack]

Yo Big A,
No hear since Colo. tornado -

If I use multiple emoticons might that help?
lol

[Colo Alex]

May 29, 2008

Wow, almost a full month has gone since my last post. I continue to struggle with my weight.

Last week I was on a road trip to buy my son a car for his birthday. I got home, took the car to a storage place until we surprise him on his birthday in a few weeks, and then went home. There was a strange message on our answering machine from my MIL. It was abrupt and just said to call her. Well, she has been battling cancer and I feared for the worst. Then my wife walked in and she was crying. I thought for sure she got bad news from her mom. Well, she did. But it was not what we were expecting. Our 18-year-old nephew was killed in a car accident that same day.

So we ended up going to Utah to support her sister and her family and to go to the funeral. It was really tough. I am generally not a emotional person, but it really got to me. My son is almost 17 and it was easy to empathize with the pain they were going through. It was awful. I cried just about every time I saw my brother in law and the pain that was on his face.

It has been a very tough 5 days. We got home last night and I went to bed early. Well, eating was bad the entire time I was away, and to be honest it has been bad most of the month. I just cannot seem to get it together.

I feel very distraught. Not just because of the funeral but before that as well. My emotions run from self-loathing, disgust, depression, to confidence and determination. I just can’t seem to find the right answer and to maintain my correct eating and exercise. I really need to but I don’t seem to “want” to badly enough. My clothes are barely fitting and yet I continue to eat crap and binge.

Overall I’d say that I am very down and am having trouble seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. I haven’t weighed myself in a while but know I must be close to 230 by now. I am distraught. I feel lost and tired. I really don’t know what to do at this point.

I’ve got to find the answer. I hate feeling this way and I hate feeling fat. I really hate myself right now. I know that is bad and I need to support myself first, but there it is.

I am a mess and I feel ridiculous for feeling this way, and yet continue to sabotage myself and continue to spiral down in this vicious cycle.

I either have to get back on plan or buy new pants cause these are way too tight and must look stupid.

Sigh.

[monet0329]

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew.. that is just terrible..

about how your feeling.. I understand.. I am there with you my friend.. I am feeling the same way.. I will be back June 2nd.. to do this again.. and I hope it sticks this time.. I SO need for it to happen for me.. and I know only I can make it happen.. so.. just how bad do we want this.. we both we know we NEED it to make us healthy and feel good.. inside and out.. but how bad do we WANT it?

For me.. I know there has to be a reason I do this yoyo diet cycling.. loose.. gain.. over and over.. and that in it's self is bad for me.. hard on my heart.. I need to dig deep to find out just what am I hiding from? There has to be something..

anywho.. lets make a packed to figure this stuff out.. we need to get healthy..

I wish you the best my friend..

My prayers for your family..

[TaDa!]

Alex, I am so so sorry to hear about your nephew. I cannot even imagine what you are all going through.

I have been where you are now - unable to get back on a good healthy path despite trying and wanting it. The phrase "No New Pants" did help me back to it ... I just kept trying every day until I did get it right ... with many a binge and self-loathing in between. Just keep trying. You are not alone.

big

Pauline

[Colo Alex]

Thanks for the kind words ladies. It's always nice to hear from you!

[Colo Alex]

June 2, 2008

Monday. This past weekend was a little tough. I had too much idle time on my hands and my thoughts kept drifting to my nephew and family. Well, I’m tired of feeling sad and I’m ready to move on.

I am also extremely tired of being and feeling fat. I’m so frustrated, distraught, sick, down, flat out unhappy with myself. I need to stop feeling this way and start doing something about it. So here I go again. (cue lame 80's "whitesnake" music)

Lets hope I do better this time.

I have not weighed myself and I do not intend to. I will go by how my clothes fit. “No new pants.” The tightness and discomfort can be a constant reminder of my situation instead of the scale.

It’s time I get a good attitude and quit feeling sorry for myself. It’s time I start my days with a positive outlook. It’s time to take “real” care of myself and my family. It is time to start hiking again. IT IS TIME.

[Mack]

That's the spirit, C.A.
I'm tried of looking at 'so far to go..' in scale/stats - is why I set a goal and am using those #'s.

Your ~Pants: fit scale ~ good one to use.
Use it in your stat line ?!
Best wishes, Pal.

-mack

[monet0329]

.. I am back today.. so lets get this done Alex.. you know we can and WILL get this done.. I am sick of it as well.. I don't even care what I look like anymore.. its about feeling better.. more energy and just being healthy..

I'm here for you

[Colo Alex]

June 3, 2008

Tuesday. Ok, so I’m trying to take it slow this time. Address things one at a time instead of all at once. That usually turns into disaster for me. I am really an all or nothing kind of guy and it causes lots of problems for weight loss and healthy eating and exercise. So I’m trying to tackle things one at a time and go slowly.

New rules:

One. No scale.

Two. No Junk food. Instead of going on induction and risking binge/ purge events for now I am just concentrating on eating healthy food. I’m trying to remove restrictions but at the same time just eating healthy. The urge to eat junk is very high, but I know the longer I can stay off the easier it will be. Also, if I don’t starve myself I will be less likely to want the junk food.

Three. Exercise. I have to get back to exercise. It helps me as much mentally as physically. I feel I really need this.

So yesterday I started. The food was not too tough but I did have some major sweets cravings during the day, but I was able to resist. It’s an addiction and it will be hard at first. I do think there is a place for willpower, especially at first. I just want to be careful about restricting and then binging.

The exercise was really tough. I need to ease back into it. I haven’t been away from my hikes but a few weeks and yesterday’s nearly killed me. However, the temperature was 90 and sunny so it was a heck of a day to get back hiking. I did the entire hike, but I really pushed it. I will keep hiking but I will be careful not to overdo or to hurt my knees. Got to go slow.

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by Mack

That's the spirit, C.A.
I'm tried of looking at 'so far to go..' in scale/stats - is why I set a goal and am using those #'s.

Your ~Pants: fit scale ~ good one to use.
Use it in your stat line ?!
Best wishes, Pal.

-mack

Hey Mack! It's good to hear from you. I think the key for me is to view this whole process in a different manner. I'm going to give it a go!

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by monet0329

.. I am back today.. so lets get this done Alex.. you know we can and WILL get this done.. I am sick of it as well.. I don't even care what I look like anymore.. its about feeling better.. more energy and just being healthy..

I'm here for you

I'm with you. Lets get this done.

[monet0329]

Originally Posted by Colo Alex

I'm with you. Lets get this done.

[TaDa!]

Wow! great plan Alex! I like all three components - very smart way to approach it! Coincidentally, I am not weighing right now either. I know once I get near that little demon scale, I will come under its influence once again. It is very liberating to trust yourself that you are doing the right things without the threat of the scale hanging over you.

Congratulations on your great day!



Pauline

[Colo Alex]

June 4, 2008

Wednesday. Things are going well. I’m not obsessing about food except to ban junk food. I’m trying to make sure I do not get too hungry and I’m trying to pay very close attention to binge triggers. It has only been a couple of days but so far so good.

I have stayed off the scale even though the urge is strong.

Exercise was much better yesterday. For one, it wasn’t as hot and two I took an easier trail. Not a cop out, just didn’t want to go too hard too fast and burn out or injure my knees. Still did 3 ½ miles but the climb is not as severe.

I want to get back to healthy. I’m not sure I will ever be thin so I need to concentrate on healthy. To me that means being able to hike 10 miles without any trouble. It means climbing more 14ers. It means being comfortable in my clothes. It means being self-confident. It means a lot of things but it mostly means being happier.

[Colo Alex]

June 9, 2008

I’m not sure I’m going to make it back to healthy. I can’t seem to do it this time around. Whenever I start I end up falling. I feel like such a failure. The more I try the worse it seems to be. Maybe I should just forget it. Maybe I am destined to be overweight. I’m tired of fighting. One step forward and two back. Obviously I am unable to control this monster inside of me. There are not a lot of alternatives anymore.

When I was 297 and I looked in the mirror I saw fat and unhappy. Now at 227, when I look in the mirror I see fat, unhappy, and failure.

To my friends out there, I want you to know that I appreciate all you have done to help me and encourage me. I also want you to know that I am not writing this to get your sympathy or response. In fact I am not looking for a response. I’m not even sure why I am still journaling.

Well, I know why. There is still a piece of me that so desperately wants to be healthy, that I continue to journal in hopes of figuring it out.

[monet0329]

.. I truly know how you feel Alex.. so please don't think your alone in this.. Trust me when I say it.. I KNOW how you feel.. The monster is fearce (sp?)..he is mean and out to win.. the only thing you can do is NOT LET HIM WIN.. don't give up.. if you give up and stop trying.. he will win.. so please.. keep on trying.. even if its day by day.. every morning you wake up.. look deep into your eyes and face that monster... try.. try try.. and hopefully one day it will stick.. but if you just lay down and let him win.. then you will be miserable all your life.. .. please. DON"T GIVE UP Alex!!!..

[Mack]

'Sup CA ?
Eating junk - you said you had a sweet tooth? - gives us a a bad mood even though the tastes are fantastic at times.
Work/ home stress - your recent tragedy with nephew together with sugar/white flour products (if that is what you are doing - just compounds bad, negative mood.
We know that over years of "dieting".
You may be one of those people - men - who can carry a little paunch and still have good readings - remember a 60Min. or 20/20 segment on that?
So goal for you may be @ 210-220.
Eat some s/f cheescakes but don't do the ice cream/pizza routine, if you can avoid it.
There is a natural high from eating well and nutritionally right.
Work it out, pal.
Go over some classic posts/stickies on this thread.

Keep walking - for pleasure.

Don't go too far down the wrong path - tricky blood sugars say it's okay but...
when we wake up from it - man, it sucks to see how far we lost from previous progress.
Easier said than done, I know full well - but we
"Never give up, never surrender" in our quest.