Colo Alex - Finding 'me' Journey

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by TaDa!

Come on Alex! You'll be ok --

Repeat after me:

I am rough and tough!!!
I hike big mountains and save ladies in distress!!
I will master this too!!



Pauline

Thanks Pauline. I need to do better.

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by monet0329

.. my prayers are with you hun..

Thanks Monet. Keep em coming.

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by TaDa!

Well, you're probably out hiking with the little woman, but I wanted to pop in and check to see whether you're ok -- you can always complain to us here online P

I've got nobody to complain about but myself. I'm sick of ME!!!!

[Colo Alex]

January 14, 2008

Monday. I don’t know what the hell is the matter with me. I cannot figure this out. I can stay on plan and not cheat one iota and then go hog wild. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have tried for years to figure this out. Just when I think I have it figured out, then NOT!!!

In all seriousness, is there some sort of imbalance in my brain or something!!?? It doesn’t make sense. I know it is triggered by stress and anger and frustration. Knowing the triggers does not seem to help me. I willingly went off plan. It wasn’t horrible cravings or anything like that. I just ate off plan. Mostly bread, cereal and starches. No sweets.

No snowshoeing this weekend. That upset me. I have huge projects at work that are all unfinished or unresolved. That bothers me. I obsess over things like that. My brain won’t let them go until they are resolved. This affects me day and night. It haunts my sleep. I know I am in a weakened state and I didn’t fight the binge urge.

I can’t believe how weak I was. Well, I’ve got to do better. Even though I’m struggling at work and at home, I’ve got to win at my health. Why do I give in so easily? Why do I still turn to food? I don’t know the answers but I’ve got to figure this out. The back and forth, up and down cycles are going to kill me. I can’t deal with it. I’ve got to win. I’m back up to 216 this morning. UGH!!! I’m sick of looking at myself and seeing a weak, pathetic loser! I’m not that person. I’ve got to do this!!!

Ok, enough whining. Keep fighting.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted a few times since January 2006
Current Weight: 216.0
Goal weight: 185

[TaDa!]

<warning: unsolicited advice .. feel free to ignore>

Hey whining is ok! I am a binge eater too and all we can do is to try and get back to business without recriminations. Every negative word you say to and about yourself embeds itself in your psyche and just mimics words of others maybe you heard some other time in your life perpetuating the unfairness to Alex. Try to be nice to yourself Alex and inside you will see you deserve to eat well and live well.

Ditching the scale for a while - focusing on just doing the right thing - might help too.

<end of unsolicited advice>



your friend,

Pauline

[monet0329]

Alex...

She's right ya know... when all we hear is the negative.. it sticks in our brains....

I have an Idea.. since this usually happens when you are stressed or mad.. why don't you work on that... when your stressed.. take some time out.. even if its 10 minutes.. go off by yourself.. and breath.. in and out.. very deep.. calm yourself down.. stay away from the kitchen ..maybe go for a walk.. go to your garage.. something.. same thing when you get mad..maybe if you clear your head first.. then the want to eat my get skipped..

You know you are worth this Alex.. you have done so good and came a long way.. keep plugging away , but work on the reason you binge..

Now go look in a mirror and smile.. give yourself a lil pep talk..

say to yourself.."Monet' and Pauline think I can do this.. not to mention my wife.. so I can and I WILL do this.."..

let me know if there is anything I can do to help.. you know I am here for ya.. my shoulders pretty big... for now.... but even when it gets smaller.. you can lean on it..

cheer up buddy.. you got this..

[Colo Alex]

Thanks ladies. I need to get my act together. I REALLY appreciate the fact that you two are here and support me. Thank you.

Pauline - I'll take any and all advice you have to offer, solicited or not. Ditching the scale may be tough. I'll work on it.

Monet - I'm pretty sure I know the reason for the binges I just can't control the binge. You are saying I need to stop the behavior that causes the binges? You are right. Just really hard. I'll work on it.

Thanks you guys. You are good friends.

[Colo Alex]

January 15, 2008

Tuesday. Ok, I’ve got to be more positive. I’m just really frustrated right now. I’m looking at the entire journey and not each little step. I need to focus on one day at a time.

I did well yesterday. Ate on plan and hiked at lunch. I know I can do this I just need to stay focused.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted a few times since January 2006
Current Weight: 216.0
Goal weight: 185

[TaDa!]

Congratulations on your success yesterday! I have to tell you, that taking it one day at a time, as you say, has been comforting to me and makes me feel in control, but not deprived.

This is the way we live now .. it is not a side trip on the road to some destination ...

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by TaDa!

This is the way we live now .. it is not a side trip on the road to some destination ...

That is exactly it... I have a hard time with that concept. Maybe in my head, this is still just a temporary fix. I know that it can't be but maybe I'm still expecting to go back to "normal" instead of changing what IS normal.

baby steps....

[monet0329]

hey you..

great day you had.. and yes.. baby steps.. .. This is not a quick fix.. for people like us.. it is a lifetime of watching what we put into our mouths.. and yes.. it is a sad thing that we can't just have the carbs.. those sweet sweet carbs that I truly love so dearly.. lol.. but I have to face it.. THEY DON'T LOVE ME BACK.. so why do I want to be in THAT relationship.. RIGHT?.... so baby, I am movin on......

ok that's just my way of looking at it.. lol

you stay strong.. focus and take those baby steps.. we are here for ya..

[monet0329]

[Colo Alex]

lOVE those babe steps.

[Colo Alex]

January 16, 2008

Wednesday. So far this week I’ve been able to complete several projects at work that have been hanging over my head for a while. This has helped my attitude quite a bit. I’ve got another biggie this Saturday. Once I get through the annual meeting I will be better. You know, there is always going to be pressure at work, home and life in general. I need to learn how to deal with it better. Back to the stress issue. Emotional eating of any kind cannot be the answer; I know that, but yet I let myself succumb to it. Well, now my goal is to go this entire week, especially the weekend, on plan and not give in to any urges. I need a success in this area.

Eating yesterday was on plan and I hiked at lunch. It is really cold today but I’m still planning on hiking. I've got to keep exercising. In fact, I should really start lifting again in the evening. That would fix two problems: The urge to eat after dinner and add some much needed strengthening exercises.

Moving on….

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted a few times since January 2006
Current Weight: 215.0
Goal weight: 185

[monet0329]

Sounds good !!.... have a great rest of your day

[Colo Alex]

January 17, 2008

Thursday. Well, yesterday was another good day. I stayed on plan all day, no cheats, hiked at lunch (it was 12degrees out) and controlled my dinner quantities. I even got my butt back into the garage and lifted upper body. First time in a long time. It felt pretty good. I have never been a big fan of weight lifting so it is really something that I have to force myself to do. I don’t enjoy it, but I know it needs to be done.

I’m still stressing about the meeting Saturday night. I’ll do fine, but I’ll just be glad when it is over.

My weight was down a little today, so that is good.

I know I’ve talked about this before but I really think I’m narrowing in on a big cause of binges and cheats. I’m convinced it is the “sneaking” aspect that drives a big portion of it. Here is an example:

At the office it is easy for me to stay on plan. Everyone in the office knows that I have lost a lot of weight and I always make a big stink any time someone brings in junk food or eats fast food at his or her desk etc… (In a light hearted way.) Well, at our reception desk there is always a little basket of candy. Hershey’s etc… like Halloween candy. Well, I don’t ever have a problem resisting because if I were caught eating that crap then I would be a major hypocrite and blow my “perfect boss” image.

So yesterday morning I am the first one to the office. I was tempted to grab a handful of the candy and take it to my desk and hide it so I could have it during the day. This urge was strong and powerful. I was almost stunned. I mean I had just eaten breakfast less than an hour earlier. I was not hungry. Yet the sudden desire for the candy was very physically powerful. I didn’t take any and the day went by with no other temptations but it has really got me thinking again.

A lot of it stems from my childhood. I was a chubby kid when I was in elementary school. I wouldn’t say obese (yet) but definitely over weight. As early as I can remember, my Mom would put me on diets. You know the routine, every fad that was out there. Remember Aydes?

YouTube - ayds

One really nasty one was Unsweetened Iced tea and tomatoes. Yuck. To this day I cannot eat tomatoes!

Any way, in order to not be starving all the time I had to sneak food. I remember finding a big box of Twinkies in a chest freezer out in our shed. I destroyed them! I’m convinced that all of that restricting and sneaking led to my becoming a binge eater and eventually Obese.

Even today, when everyone is out of the house that urge flares up. Then of course, the guilt always follows. I can still hear my Mom “You would be so handsome if only…..”

Yikes, this is turning into a “blame my mother for all of my faults” rant. I don’t mean it to be. I have no one to blame but myself.

Anyway, I’m not writing this now to cast blame on my Mom or myself. I’m writing for discovery. Just to confirm another reason and hopefully solution to my problems.

So, the fight continues; maybe now with a little more ammunition.

Started Atkins September 2003: Weight: 297
Fell off sometime in August 2004
Restarted a few times since January 2006
Current Weight: 213.0
Goal weight: 185

[TaDa!]

Wow Alex!!! You know I could have written your journal entry. I snuck food throughout my entire childhood ... and used to catch my Mom hiding candy that she'd sneak eat ... It is ok to lay blame for things that happened when you were a child. I am entirely convinced of this. The thing is though, that once we become adults, no matter how we got this way, the responsibility for perpetuating the wrong lies squarely on our own shoulders -- our Moms were doing their best by us. They were told by the doctor what to do and they probably felt that it was their responsibility to make the problem go away. But they weren't professionals - they did not think about psychological damage.

I find another big trigger for me that you might also check out, is the desire for closeness and acceptance -- when I get feeling like that, I binge, probably some link I make to acceptance and food .. i.e. if only you weren't fat, I'd love you ..

I think you're definitely on to something!!!! Congratulations on another great day under your belt!!



Pauline

p.s. OMG! Ayds ... I remember the chocolate were particularly nasty ... I believe butterscotch was my preference, lol!

[Colo Alex]

Pauline - I knew I might have come across as "casting blame" to-wards my mother. I know that everything she did was out of love and an incredible desire for me to be happy. So, I do not hold any ill will to-wards her at all. We have a good relationship.

I was never heavier in my life as when I was an adult, married etc... My mother had nothing to do with that, it was ALL me. I fully understand that and accept it. I'm to blame 100%.

The other aspect you mentioned I too experience. Feeling that if only I was thinner people would like me more etc.. I don't deal with that much, but it has caused me some anguish throughout my life. Shoot, I hardly dated at all because of it.

I'm pretty happy with how others view me. But I have to admit it is noticeably different now that I've lost a lot of weight. People are sure fickle!

[TaDa!]

I didn't mean to imply anything about laying blame. Maybe I didn't say it well - wouldn't be the first time, lol! it's just that when I start thinking through things, it sounds like I am blaming my upbringing all the time too, lol! and I think that's ok to some degree - we are probably right about that part of things, ya know and if it helps figure out what's going on now, than it's good to think it through and it's ok to name things for what they are or were. it doesn't mean we're being bad to our Mothers.

(I shudder to think what my daughters will be blaming me for ... on dd's blog she came up with a list of things "never to do to your kids" when you grow up I was mortified and then relieved to see there was nothing too terribly unexpected! lol!!)

[Colo Alex]

I agree. I think we HAVE to figure out the whys and wherefores. Hopefully we won't repeat those same "mistakes" of our parents. However, I'm sure my kids have and entire list of ways I'm screwing them up!! lol.

You are right, when we think things through and start to explain it can sound like blame.

p.s. I'm sure glad you're back!

[monet0329]

Hey there my friend ..

Glad you have done great on one more day.. those baby steps seem to be working....

I know what you mean by the word sneak..... I used to get like that when I was trying to get back to low carbing.. if no one sees me eat this,. they will think I am still doing great.... good for you for fighting the urge..

I don't remember that diet? I was a skinny kid.. up till Highschool and started dating.. and I wasn't too big then.. just bigger.. pudgy my step dad said.... mostly muscle from dancing.. I remember how I used to have to buy jeans big enough to fit my thighs and they would be real big on my waist.. because my legs had so much muscle..those where the days.. now my jeans are snugg around the waist and loose in the legs because people don't know how to make fat people cloths stylish....lol..

anywho.. its gonna to work this time if it kills me.. my new habit is exercise.. not FOOD...

have a good evening

[samantha12802]

It's always good to figure out why we do what we do, it's not casting blame- it's just factual. I would have the same "take the candy" urge if no one were looking. Earlier a chocolate peanut butter bar was calling my name LOUDLY, it's funny how much power those things can have, needless to say I made a hasty departure from the kitchen! Congratulations on having come soooo far Alex

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by monet0329

Hey there my friend ..

Glad you have done great on one more day.. those baby steps seem to be working....

They are, Thanks! I love your attitude Monet.

[Colo Alex]

Originally Posted by samantha12802

It's always good to figure out why we do what we do, it's not casting blame- it's just factual. I would have the same "take the candy" urge if no one were looking. Earlier a chocolate peanut butter bar was calling my name LOUDLY, it's funny how much power those things can have, needless to say I made a hasty departure from the kitchen! Congratulations on having come soooo far Alex

Hi Samantha! Glad you checked in. Thanks for the positive words. Hope you stick around! Have a great day!