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Old 02-21-2011, 03:43 AM   #1411
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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Monday February 21, 2011

Not weighing myself until today was a good strategy! I cheated and weighed yesterday .. was at 130.2 (a bit high) .. and this morning - 6 days since the bad episode - weighed in at 129.2 (my Tops weigh-in last week was 128.5) .. without doing anything different than usual as far as eating and exercising. I don't like to think about where my weight probably went the few days after my binge episode! It was hard enough to keep from perpetuating the binge -- and I did have a lot of those kind of thoughts to struggle through.

Ironically I am not having a TOPS weigh-in this week anyhow. It is the kids vacation and I decided any extra time I take from them will be to exercise. I called the leader and found out what the program would be .. it is on fiber and I already get 35-39 gm a day, lol! so I won't be missing anything that I'd be sorry to miss.

In other news .. I dyed my hair brunette and dh hates it, lol! Everyone else loves it on me. So darn annoying!! lol!!!!!

Last edited by TaDa!; 02-21-2011 at 03:44 AM..
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:05 AM   #1412
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Hope you are enjoying the time with your kids.

I bet you look great as a brunette! Sorry dh doesn't like it.
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Old 02-26-2011, 04:51 PM   #1413
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lol! on the haircolor! Elizabeth!! I did have a good week with the kiddos .. lots of bonding time with my oldest which was really great!!

Saturday February 26, 2011

I've been doing some thinking. I suddenly had a new thought. I do not get close to people IRL, or share anything too personal or revealing of my thoughts with others, like I do here. I think I am still shell-shocked from 38 years of being obese and my experiences with others -- where those I let in would let me down, ridicule me, point out my failing as a human - or I had a deep deep fear that they would. It is like I feel as though people out there are waiting to take me down a peg .. or see me fail at various things and I always have to protect myself against them and not get too close. To an extent with dh too.

Probably good that I am having these thoughts! very very weird that it would take so long for this ever to occur to me -- that it could still be there this far after losing the weight .. I mean I have been "normal"-looking now since 2004.

The question that would follow .. How to trust people when you still feel like an imposter?

ok enough deep thinking for tonight!
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:01 PM   #1414
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Pauline, I think you should write a book about life after weight loss. You are so good about putting down your thoughts and the majority not all but a lot could be my own feelings. I just don't have the gift of expressing them as you do. You go girl! I am inspired every day that I read what you write. Twinnie!
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:33 PM   #1415
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A new photo of you as a brunette is required!!!
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:10 AM   #1416
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Thanks Dianne There is definitely a void as far as things available to maintainers and something I've been thinking on a lot. Thing is, once we get to this space, we turn into your normal average person trying not to yo-yo ... but no one ever tells us that when we are morbidly obese, lol! Thanks for the compliment :blush:

Phranquie You are absolutely right! I am toying with blonde highlights though so dh lightens up, lol!!!
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Old 03-03-2011, 03:25 PM   #1417
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Thursday March 3, 20111

I'm doing ok - tough day emotionally - but so far, all behaviors are on track and should be ok. It sucks not eating myself into a stupor anymore. I have to deal directly with all the various conflicts and crap of life, lol! I had it out with two people yesterday and told them how *I* feel about some stuff .. with one, the end result was better than I ever could have expected, with the second, more drama than I really needed ensued today (not helped by my pms), but in the end, it did mean I got the help I needed to get from this person, so s'all good.

As I said .. it sucks not having a substance to abuse. I hate having to be a grownup.
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Old 03-03-2011, 03:45 PM   #1418
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Me too! It was nice to have that substance "food" to wallow in but the end results were not pretty. I admire you for facing things with new determination as I am one that would just like to make everyone happy and the end result is me being unhappy. I have been working on it and I can't say I have any conflicts at the moment but you never know when one will rear its ugly head.

I just had a question and if it is too personal just ignore me. Do others including your dh notice the "new" you in handling things?
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Old 03-04-2011, 03:28 AM   #1419
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Dianne, I think it has been so gradual .. and the times I have such obvious incidents are few and far between. I do still put up with some crap .. in fact, a few times, where I was not thrilled, but decided, to keep the peace, to keep my feelings quiet and just go with the flow because it obviously mattered a whole lot more to that other person than it did to me for them to pull certain "stunts" if you know what I mean (ha! I have one such today with another parent and I'll be biting my tongue bigtime) .. you know, pick your battles type thing.

I know it has affected dh because I insist that I "count" in decisions.. right now we're po'ed at one another, but as I said these things are few and far between so it'll pass too, lol ...
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Old 03-08-2011, 01:14 PM   #1420
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Tuesday March 8, 2011

I have so much going on, I would not even know where to start! My weight is down a bit -- I think it is because I have replaced some of my usual gym cardio with some running and have been really working it .. kinda like HIIT .. I may experiment with some pre-workout carbs .. maybe ... lol!

I came in to post some recipe alternatives for the processed bars I used to eat (while losing weight and maintenance) .. for the past year I have replaced those with flax muffins and with this version of Smasty's pecan fudge. Neither is very transportable, so I do have bars in the house for those occasions when I will be out and about during a snack time. Anyhow:

Chocolate Pecan Cups (makes 6)

5 & 1/2 T melted Coconut Oil (Nutiva is the tastiest!)
3 T cocoa powder
3 T of ground flax seeds
2 t of shredded unsweetened coconut (got it at whole foods)
1.5 oz pecans, chopped
Scoop of vanilla whey protein powder (I used Cytosport)
1/4 t. Liquid Splenda (= to 1 cup - check your bottle for quantity)
6 muffin papers (silicon forms work best)

Divide evenly into 6 muffin papers (mine measure out at 7/8ths - 1 oz per cup). Place on a rigid surface like a cutting board and place in refrigerator to solidify. When solid, you can store them in a plastic bag in the fridge. They have to be kept refrigerated.

6 servings; Each at 200+ calories; 2+ net carbs

Pauline's Vegan Flax Muffins - makes 12

Dry Ingredients:
3 cups ground flax
3/4 cup oat fiber
2 t. baking powder
2 t. baking soda
3 T. cinnamon

Wet ingredients
3/4 cup coconut oil
1 t. liquid splenda (or: 48 drops)
2 1/2 cups boiling water

Other items
Pam Spray
12 muffin pan
glass measuring cup

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Grease the muffin tin with pam spray (for ease of use!). Set water to boil in your kettle.

Measure out all the dry ingredients into a large bowl. Mix well and put it aside.

Measure the 3/4 cup of coconut oil out into a glass measuring cup. If it is not liquid, place in the microwave in 45 second intervals until liquid. Once this is done, add the liquid splenda to the coconut oil. Pour the liquid into the dry mixture. Before you mix, quickly add the 2 1/2 cups of boiling water to the bowl.

Mix very well! Use the mixture to fill the muffin tin and place in the oven (400 degrees) for 15 minutes. Once cooled, the muffins will slip right out! The muffin texture is more moist than the traditional minute muffin, somewhere between the minute muffin and a brownie!

12 servings; Each at ~250 calories; 1+ net carbs
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:24 AM   #1421
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Monday March 21, 2011

Wow I haven't been in here in a while! I have been having way too much thinking about food the last couple of weeks!! I think that is the pattern that has caused me to yo-yo maintenance the last few years. I am 129 right now and so I have been successful, but it has not been pleasant pushing away the mind hunger all the time. As tough as it has been to tough it out, regaining and having to re-lose once a year is tougher .. a la "pick your pain."

I was actually looking forward to a busy day today .. and the rest of the workweek, because it keeps my focus on the tasks at hand and not on silly thoughts but my little one is home quite sick for day 2 and so I will be in the house all day today .. blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe I will start my taxes, lol!

I actually came in for a short rant on Gary Taubes, the obesity apologist .. I actually phrase it differently to myself but I wouldn't want to "offend" any of his desperate devotees ... I think he is right, exercise is unecessary to "lose weight". It is absolutely possible to become a smaller squishier marshmallow by dieting without any physical activity whatsoever. IRL I have come to know a group of longterm maintainers. I can tell who exercises just by looking - who really looks like they are at a maintenance weight - and who does not. Those who do not exercise may have a smaller body "footprint" but they are still seriously puffy.

I do not think Big Loser-style exercise programs or MTV "I Used to be Fat"-style training regimens are necessary, but taking a brisk walk a few times a week, lifting a few weights, or doing resistance exercises, to maintain your muscle are indeed necessary to ensure you are not trading down to a smaller weight and fatter body .. I dunno, in life I have learned if it sounds too good to be true, it generally is. When I hear his excited new followers it strikes me as more sad sad wishful thinking to profess that exercise does not matter at all.

I guess if you come from the point of view that anything one can do to lose body mass is justifiable, and to hell with the consequences, then Taubes theory ranks right up there with liquid diets and weightloss surgery, where people do the hard work of scale weight loss through food intake and then play catch up with the rest of the thin world sometimes for the rest of their life. It bugs me in a big way that this so-called expert denies the resulting effects of his "theory" and well, his books read like sensational journalism. I was shocked when I read the last one that people could actually take it seriously - some of it was so patently absurd (felt the same way about some of the movie Fat Head ..) I just do not get why people with legitimate points to make destroy their credibility with bizarre sensationalism .. it is such a shame when there are actually valid points to be made in what they say.

ok rant over


Last edited by TaDa!; 03-21-2011 at 04:26 AM..
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:36 AM   #1422
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Your such an inspiration TaDa. I'm trying to increase my activity level right now, to be able to do a marathon like you is my dream.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:02 AM   #1423
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You are very sweet Horselvr! I think you may be mixing me up with another gal .. my longest race has been 10 mile trail race and i haven't really raced in a while. I change up my exercise all the time so i never feel bored with it!!! Good for you for having big dreams like that, though!!!

My dh ran his first two marathons last year and it really is an amazing accomlishment!!! A person can do anything they put their mind to ... You Go Girl!!!!
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:10 PM   #1424
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Tuesday March 22, 2011

Sometimes I am affected more than I will ever know by people who post on here. I was coming in to write here and then thought to myself, "huh!? I wonder if this sudden "re-framing" that I did was a result of Jilli's beautiful post:

Bingeing- emotional and otherwise

Quote:
Originally Posted by jilli13 View Post
...I'm armed now with three things I really need to remember:
1) I take back my power, I deserve to be Healthy and Happy, and only I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE
2) I am good at my job, if i wasnt i wouldnt have got the contract to start with. I have not done anything wrong. And if they decided they do not want me it is their loss.
3) I take responsibility for my actions... the fate of my plan, my weight loss and my future lies in my hands. I will take each day one tiny baby step at a time until im ready to leap that mountain. ....
I guess really only the first one applies here ... I got a phone call that basically was going to change my life for the next 5 years - unilaterally and nothing I could do about it. It was going to be hell. I was so stuck in thinking that I had no control ove this. Suddenly I decided this could actually be a really really good thing. The status quo was not so great either -- a real pain in the neck, actually .. it was just about to get much worse, and make my kids (and by extension: me) miserable at least once a month!

The fact is, the change they made has made me decide to look into just leaving the whole thing and re-starting fresh in my own town with a provider that has better office hours even than I am getting right now...

I might actually end up with a much better situation than I had before the damn phone call .. empowerment! It is all about how you approach things .. as a victim, or as an effective strong advocate for yourself .. the work is always a hell of a lot eassier than the worry, stress and the food urges that come with it.

Lots of phone calls to make tomorrow ...
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Old 03-24-2011, 05:23 PM   #1425
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Thursday March 24th, 2011

On Track!! That's all I can ask for! My head wants to eat at night when it shouldn't but, well I have gotten used to just saying "no" blehhhh .. And I am actually doing that right now! because when I give in to "just one piece" it never ever ends well, lol!!! like almost never!!!!!

It just struck me ... I have a 30th h.s. reunion in two years, lol!!! I showed up thin (for the first time ever) at my 25th reunion and my friends all went nutso on me .. hmf! Can't go back there fat, lol lol ... so no munching tonight! lol!!! I only have two years to get ready ... (yes, I know, ridiculous, but motivating!!!)

I have to keep coming up with these reasons why I can't give in, lol!!!!!

OK:

* 30th h.s. reunion in 2013

* Need to keep "KOPS" (maintainer) status at TOPS and work toward various anniversary awards so I can go up on stage once a year and bask in maintainer glory with all the other maintainers!

* Need to wear a bathing suit every summer to have fun fun fun on vacations and I look best at about 126 lbs

* Need to look my best to visit family In Ireland this summer!! Like with the reunion, the extended family had never seen me thin until my last visit for a funeral .. I must stay that person, right?

* I need to continue to be the best version of me that I can be so I can feel good about myself when dealing with other people. Very sad, but people take me a lot more seriously as a thin fit happier person than they ever did as a hugely obese depressed and unhappy person.

* I have to continue to be a good role model to my two girls. You can teach them all you want, but they learn the most about living life by watching you and the life you lead ...

* Almost anything in life that you can achieve or accumulate can be taken away from you. This is one thing I can have that depends nothing on my brains, the economy, my social class, my pocketbook .. all I have to do is to keep placing high value on this and I will have something others can only dream of having ...

"Today I do what others won't, so I can have what others don't"

yah .. no snacking tonight ..
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Old 03-24-2011, 05:36 PM   #1426
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Old 03-25-2011, 03:00 AM   #1427
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Thanks Elizabeth! it has been a year of 100% on track ... and I have to keep reminding myself why to stay on track and not get loos-y goos-y no matter how much I "deserve" it for being on maintenance.

It is a different thing when you decide that even 5 lbs here and there is not an acceptable thing ... gotta be focused all the time. I'll never turn into one of those effortlessly thin people ... so sadddddd .... lol!
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Old 03-25-2011, 05:02 AM   #1428
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I've been meaning to tell you how beautiful I think you look in your pic! =D
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Old 03-25-2011, 05:27 AM   #1429
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Awwww Thanks Rebecca!!!!



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Old 03-25-2011, 08:59 AM   #1430
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Old 03-30-2011, 04:28 AM   #1431
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Thanks Girl!!!

Wednesday March 30, 2011

I have had some new insights into myself ... sheesh you'd think I'd be done with those! lol!! I wrote about not getting close to people earlier this month, but it is more than that too. Two situations with other women have made me realize that I am very intolerant of people's idiosyncrasies irl. When I was big I would just stay away from people that irked me - and it ended up just being everyone because I'd stay out of social situations where they would be .. I stayed away due to unhappiness over my size, what to wear, etc etc etc but maybe I was really staying away because I never really knew how to handle problem people.

I have been really upset lately over one woman who just crosses boundaries with me right and left, and in a similiar way to my mother did when I was younger, is always demanding my attention and my gratefulness to her. She invades my privacy, proclaims to the world how she and I are best friends and to everyone in hearing distance how she is supporting me and martyring herself for me. It is like she is trying to ride my coat tails - like she wants to be me, maybe get the attention/respect I get from others we know.

Part of it is that she wants to be my confidante but everytime I do say something, like "my youngest was very ill and I am just at wit's end", she barrels off into why her life is terrible and that is nothing compared to what is/was going on with her - Why ask how I am doing, when anything I say is just going to be disrespected and turned into a deep conversation about her? .. I just literally cannot stand her at the moment. It is literally like having a groupie who will not give you any peace.

One of the worst parts is that she puts herself in between me and people I do like and want to get to know better. She inserts herself in between us, oftentimes physically!!!!! so I cannot even talk to other people at times. I am having a hard time taking it gracefully. I have done everything I can to distance myself without being downright rude - and it is not enough!

Then there is another situation this week .. being in between two women who really really dislike one another. Again, I was kind of maneuvered into this situation unwittingly and am trying to gracefully stay neutral, and it is not working. One of the women is talking my ear off too. I had to lie last night and say I had to go out to someone's house just so I could go to bed at a decent hour.

I guess I wonder if I am just too intolerant of people's personality quirks. A professor once told my father about me that I was very smart and capable but that "I suffered no fools" and was not shy about letting others know when they were wasting my time by blathering bull* in class .. ahaaaaahaaa. I think as I have grown older I have learned how to appear more tolerant .. but I am not ... hmmmm where is this going? I don't know, but both situations above have stirred up food cravings in me - It seems to happen when I am stuck with listening to people's crap and am too polite to just say screw it and burn my bridges ... here on the boards I just ignore the bull* even when I am tempted to make a snappy remark, lol! and am a happier person for it .. some of you may have noticed that, lol lol!!!

Anyhow, This weeks TOPS weigh-in at 128.25. I'm still on track food and exercise-wise, but not without stress ..

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Old 03-30-2011, 04:51 AM   #1432
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Don't feel bad for not wanting to take anyone's cr@p. The martyr woman you are talking about is just being a pushy jerk! You need to give her the friend talk and set up boundaries. Tell her there is more than one person in this relationship. I would tell the two girls who don't like each other that the other one is still my friend too and I don't want to hear it. Ask her if she minded if you talked about her with the other friend and school her. You will be A LOT less stressed if you communicate how you feel to these people. AND guess what? If they love you and are truly your friends they will stick around.
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Old 03-31-2011, 05:04 AM   #1433
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Thanks so much Rebecca it is kinda complicated on the first situation .. actually both situations!!!! For various reasons I am stuck in these relationships, lol! and that is probably where the stress comes from, lol lol!!!!!! You are right though .. you boiled it down to the essential: I shouldn't have to take other people's crap! I am going to repeat that to myself over the next few days as I am stuck with all these people in various situations, lol lol!!!!

So far no binge or stress eating, which is amazing! because on top of everything else, we are due lots of snow now, lol!

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Old 03-31-2011, 12:14 PM   #1434
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Old 04-06-2011, 11:30 AM   #1435
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Start Date: 6/03 & Goal! 5/06
Wednesday April 6, 2011

I just finished watching Season 11, week 14 of The Biggest Loser .. Courtney said something at the end that resonated with me about herself before she started BL:

"I felt that I was so deep in a hole that I could never get out."

It is so true for me too .. Food restriction as a child was just confusing to me and felt like punishment for not being good enough or as good as everyone else. That was never the intention, of course, but that is how I processed it.

By the time I realized I had any control over my own actions, as a teenager, I guess, I did not see any sustainable way out of obesity that did not feel like complete deprivation and punishment for being fat. I was so far in, I could not fathom getting out and that is my excuse for not having achieved it sooner in my life. I guess some things we just have to come to on our own, in our own good time.
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Old 04-18-2011, 10:49 AM   #1436
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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Stats: 236.5 /132.5/ 128-133 @5'3"
WOE: Atkins Maintenance (Vegetarian + Fish)
Start Date: 6/03 & Goal! 5/06
Monday April 18, 2011

Today was Boston Marathon day .. and so darn exciting! I guess it would be the day I ran 8 minute mile pace .. kinda shocking, lol! Makes me wonder if maybe I'll get back to running .. I've been going about twice a week for a very short run (like 3 mi).

My foot does not seem to act up at that distance / quantity of running .. which is weird because the place where the heel spur is/was bothered me on Saturday when I took a gaggle of teens to the mall for like 4.5 hours of mall walking .. but not during any of my runs .. figure that one out??!

Anyhow, it pleases me that I somehow got into running shape again without running very much, lol!! lol!! and lest anyone think that I am all that wonderful .. ahahaaaaa .. I have been having fun eating out and partying a bit the past few days ...
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Old 05-02-2011, 05:17 PM   #1437
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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Stats: 236.5 /132.5/ 128-133 @5'3"
WOE: Atkins Maintenance (Vegetarian + Fish)
Start Date: 6/03 & Goal! 5/06
Monday May 2, 2011

OK, so here is a report on meeting all my "good habit goals" for the month. April was very very stressful and I did go through some tough white-knuckle urges and did succumb to the binge twice, but remained in the good weight range, so I guess that is ok! Also last week I was ill and could only get in 2 workouts .. all in all a pretty good month though. As long as I keep track of these things in my challenges, I will try to post a monthly summary here in my journal!

*goal weight: 126-131 lbs ... weigh-ins in bold
*goal behaviors: food, ******, exercise (3-4x/wk), journaling, weighing-in
*ninja means I exercised, smiley I met all other goals that day, frownie .. well binge

129.25.... 4/2 Sat 4/3 Sun 4/4 Mon 4/5 Tues 4/6 Wed 4/7 Thurs 4/8 Fri 4/9 Sat 4/10 Sun

128.... 4/11 Mon 4/12 Tues 4/13 Wed 4/14 Thurs 4/15 Fri 4/16 Sat

129.5.... 4/17 Sun 4/18 Mon 4/19 Tues 4/20 Wed 4/21 Thurs 4/22 Fri 4/23 Sat 4/24 Sun

128.5.... 4/25 Mon 4/26 Tues 4/27 Wed 4/28 Thurs 4/29 Fri 4/30 Sat 5/1 Sun

I believe my Tuesday weigh-in tomorrow will likely be the same .. 128.5 or less .. so all-in-all successful on this one front, even if I leave this month without my sanity intact!

Last edited by TaDa!; 05-02-2011 at 05:19 PM..
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Old 05-03-2011, 04:46 AM   #1438
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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WOE: Atkins Maintenance (Vegetarian + Fish)
Start Date: 6/03 & Goal! 5/06
Tuesday May 3, 2011

This week is just an insane week - with four extra events on top of the crazy Spring schedule the kids have - as well as a half day for my little one today. I had been stressing myself out over that as well as the fact that I will only manage 3 workouts this week - but you know what? I only got in two workouts last week and my weight is at the perfect place at today's weigh-in, so rather than make upset over not meeting exercise goals a contributor to all the stress, I am going to just be ok with three workouts this week.

Logically I know - I maintain even without workouts on vacation, say, but generally when I can't get them done, I am under some sort of other stress .. life stress, illness .. and I just have to be ok with being less than perfect some weeks.

My top goal has to be and remain to avoid any kind of binge and to keep eating "normal" - Dealing with stressors is how I succeed there .. it makes no sense to add exercise perfectionism to stressors that cause me to binge ...

I have to give myself a pass sometimes and accept that I am doing well.
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Old 05-03-2011, 08:51 AM   #1439
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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a binge here and there is OK as long as you can stop it and go back to eating right. It makes me mad to binge but it still happens. As long as a binge is short and maybe once a week or so I think it is OK. we are not going to be perfect every day are we?

Good job Pauline!
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Old 05-05-2011, 05:56 PM   #1440
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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Join Date: Jun 2003
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WOE: Atkins Maintenance (Vegetarian + Fish)
Start Date: 6/03 & Goal! 5/06
lol Debbie!! Thank you for that .. no I guess we are not going to be perfect!!!!! Not if we insist on being human beings! lol!!!!

Thursday May 5, 2011

OK, so today was insane and crazy as was yesterday and the day before that .. and I went right outside of my comfort zone, out of my mind you might say ... wild and crazy girl that I am, I had peas with my crustless quiche for lunch ... for the first time in about 8 years.

No matter how much I might claim it does not affect me, all the silly foolish talk on the "evils of vegetables" does affect me ... for gods sakes, a nice 3 oz portion is only like 40 calories/5 net carbs ... sheesh!!! Why I have equated eating peas with gobbling down potatoes all this time??!!

Bring on the peas, I say!!!
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