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Old 10-09-2008, 05:03 AM   #781
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October 9, 2008 Morning

I'm doing well! Managed to avoid weighing last night and this morning - and it was hard as I am dying to know what my Friday outcome will be - as to whether I am making a food change next week or not. Anyhooooo, I'm over it until tonight, lol!!!

Kids have today off, and I am taking them for their annual "Ice Cream for Lunch" ... where they get the biggest ice cream they always want but are never allowed to order instead of lunch ... don't worry, it's a once a year event at our house, lol! I plan to eat lunch before I go and just have coffee while I'm there.

Then tonight is a family gathering at my aunt's house which is usually lots of fun, but this time my mother's cousin and her dd are coming and I just know they will be looking me up and down (they are like that), which freaks me out a little and makes me self-conscious about bringing my own food. I have to make up my mind about the food by 2 pm since we'll be heading that way around then. I always have to decide what to wear - ay! Social situations still freak me out the most - when there are people who are not used to the thin me.

I may bring a whole meal as a "just-in-case" and plan to have cream cheese instead - which will be on the buffet - in a pita with spinach I bring, and my flax muffin for dessert. But at least that way, I'll be prepared if the food there is not what I expected. We'll see ...
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Old 10-11-2008, 05:53 AM   #782
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Hey Pauline, good for you for planning ahead! Let us know how you get on. Dont worry about your mother's cousin and dd. It is jealousy that makes people look you up and down, think of it as a compliment!

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Old 10-11-2008, 05:15 PM   #783
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Thanks Quizz It went ok. I overate because the food was just sitting out there all night - I am powerless over buffet party food ... not too bad though, could have been worse!

October 11, 2008

Well, results of my weigh-in have me keeping to my current plan for the coming week - between overeating salty foods on Thursday night (too much smoked salmon) and pms water weight, my weight is up some from last week - 128 - which is just fine! I will simply stay at this food and exercise level and see what happens!!

I started to take my vitamins again .. when it hit me today that I am eating differently than the last time I took a look at my nutritional values, so I spent a few hours doing that today and was I in for the shock of my life ... I had only been supplementing the vitamins I seemed to be missing in my food intake ...

selenium
zinc
iron, bs and c complex

and

CLA

Well ... now with the additional foods I am eating, turns out I need nothing more than the CLA. I am getting the US RDA or more of every single supplement my body needs. I guess if you consider that I eat eggs, milk, flax, soy, spinach, brussel sprouts, celery and onions every day it makes sense.

Pretty Damn Cool.

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Old 10-11-2008, 05:25 PM   #784
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Brussels sprouts EVERY DAY?! More power to you, I guess! I haven't figured out a way that I enjoy them.
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Old 10-11-2008, 05:33 PM   #785
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I loooove em PTG! Actually, I don't think I've ever met a vegetable I didn't love ... Musta been a rabbit in a past life.

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Old 10-12-2008, 08:48 AM   #786
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October 12, 2008

OK .. I am so darn excited, I had to come in here and post! My dad had won a $1,000 gift certificate to Cabela's and gave it to me and my family!!!!! ... since I am the only one of my sisters who likes to do outdoorsy things, like camping, etc. Well, we finally spent it online and ordered 2 two-seater canoe hybrid boats, paddles and life jackets to use around here on all the lakes and ponds ... there are like 6 of them within a mile of my house. And, apparently it is also ok for the ocean, so we could bring them with us in the summer if we wanted!

The reviews all recommended kayak paddles rather than canoe paddles which is great - I think that could be better exercise, ya know?! Anyhoooooooo, I am totally stoked!! There's some free Spring and Summer entertainment for us! (Well, I spent $31 above and beyond and still have to pick up another life jacket for the little one, but hey, that's close to free, right!?!)

OK!!! Off to make lunch for the inmates and then we are off to a big local agricultural fair which should be a lot of fun! Oh happy day!!!!

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Old 10-15-2008, 04:05 AM   #787
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October 15, 2008

I'm doing fine! Just chugging along. I keep thinking of food at night after I've finished all my food for the day and it is really annoying. I am eating to maintain and should not be hungry at night. And I know I am not hungry - it is just boredom, or stress, or some other emotion each time. I have done fine avoiding poor behavior, but am just annoyed. This is not the fairy-tale "reach goal and live the rest of your life" I was aiming for <sigh> Everything else is good - but I guess I still want perfect ... silly me!

I should not be complaining. Every day I walk around feeling and looking good, proud to be me. I made it through the summer, still thin ... a first. Maybe I need to re-focus on that ...
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Old 10-15-2008, 04:27 AM   #788
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This is not the fairy-tale "reach goal and live the rest of your life" I was aiming for <sigh>
Everything else is good - but I guess I still want perfect ... silly me!

Every day I walk around feeling and looking good, proud to be me.
I made it through the summer, still thin ... a first.
Maybe I need to re-focus on that ...
Sadly and realistically, goal is no "fairy-tale."
And, as you know, perfect is unreal.

You are a complete success, Pauline.
*Be proud of yourself!*

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Old 10-20-2008, 02:14 PM   #789
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Thanks Rebecca

October 20, 2008

A friend told our strength class instructor about the weight I had lost when I was out of the room .. a leeetle embarassing. This is not something I advertise. I am over the time when I enjoyed the praise and the "atta girl"s ... not that it is unworthy of praise or that people should not be praised - it's just old news for me and I feel like I am accomplishing other things for which I'd rather get recognition now ... hard to explain or understand, I guess unless you are in a similiar place in your journey ..

Anyhoooo, the instructor was very shocked and told me that she never -in a million years- would have believed I had lost 100+ lbs ... lol! And, again, I was asked if it was post-pregnancy weight. Not! lol! It is good to be reminded that I look good - better than good, i.e. fitter than the average American woman ... now that compliment, I will take!!! (especially from an ultra ultra buff trainer ... she is just unbelievable - but that's another story)

Anyone who says that exercise is unimportant for achieving your goal, is absolutely dead wrong. It is the difference between me looking like I lost a gazillion pounds (uhhh no thank you!) and me looking like I have been an athlete my entire life.

And there are differences in quality of exercise. There is a woman at my gym for the last few years (!) - and she just slays me - she is there for hours and does some of the classes I do, but you know what? She'd be doing as much or more exercise pushing a shopping cart at the supermarket. She expends absolutely no effort and I just know that outside of the gym she probably bores friends and family complaining about how hard she works out and does not effect any change. I imagine she is not on a proper food plan either - as that is the biggest factor in losing bodyfat - but my god, why does she bother? If she spent a third of the time that she does there and tried to break a sweat, she'd make some difference for herself ... so many people (I was one of them) have so much trouble just getting into the habit of getting out there to do it and she's solved that one ...

Anyhow, just venting here in my journal, because never in a million years would I dream of initiating any discussion like that. It's just occasionally I catch her giving me a sullen look up and down and I feel like saying, "yah, don't think I'm some skinny beotch with a great metabolism, I work my azz off for the little I do have."

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Old 10-23-2008, 04:47 PM   #790
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October 23, 2008

Ohmigosh I am so tired!!! Between dd being sick and home much of the week and going to the gym last night and really really doing a lot of work in the yard and garden, I am wiped out. This is so good really. It keeps my appetite down and my spirits very high.

I spent so long without energy and without any drive to do even the basic necessities around the house, that my house mirrored the neglected me. It is so so so great to take charge and effect change that will be permaneant.

* I fixed the loose stones in the walk to the front door by learning how to do cement repairs from a book. And then went cement crazy and fixed a whole bunch of other cement things .. still have a couple to do ..

* I pulled out old bushes that were failing to thrive and being eaten by the deer and replaced them with clearance purchases and new rhodos that had developed from suckers of the old plants.

* I finally - we are talking 10 years here - cultivated, added compost and started to plant up the flower beds adjacent to the house with daylilies and alliums (so far)

* Cleared a path that was unsightly from the front door .. have yet to decide what to do with it.

* Planted up the entry to our property so that once everything grows it will be really beautiful -- and different than the same 'ol same 'ol that everyone does around here!

Doing so much outside just makes me start to cringe again when I come in the house and so I have started a list of repairs and projects to tackle when the weather is poor. Having to concentrate on the outside because of the seasonal time constraint has really helped me to actually focus my energies and get something done. I tend to become overwhelmed by the amount of things that need to get done and I become paralyzed. As a result, I get nothing done, and the frustration mounts until I am back wallowing in despair.

I am determined to make something of my two extra days a week when I do not have to exercise because I no longer need to focus so much energy on losing weight. It's almost like a reward for reaching goal ... to know that I fixed that problem, and now I can move on and fix everything else that brings me dissatisfaction in my life, because there is a time slot allotted to "life fixing" and I can now spend it fixing something else. Life progress.

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Old 10-23-2008, 07:46 PM   #791
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Well done! Gardening is amazing for the spirit I have been doing a ton outside and I ache all over. LOL Can't wait to get my daffodils and alliums in the ground. Still looking for Lilies, but they don't seem to sell them around here right now. May need to order them online. You need to post some pictures in the spring. I'm sure it will be gorgeous!

I completely understand about feeling overwhelmed about the house. I've heard it is a sign of perfectionism. I'm going with that idea. LOL Let me know when you know the answer, then maybe I'll be able to apply it to my own life.
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Old 10-24-2008, 12:54 PM   #792
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Elizabeth I ended up ordering lily seeds online - from TSflowers (dotcom) and will try to germinate and plant them in the Spring ... I ordered from her crossbreeding seeds ... I don't need named varieties .. just pretty ones!! I figure as I already have some adult plants, I can be patient waiting for the smaller seedlings to mature considering the plants are so danged expensive!!

I have to get my alliums in the ground too ... bt first have to find where I put the bulb booster stuff in the shed, lol!
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Old 10-27-2008, 11:55 AM   #793
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October 27, 2008

I am so darned excited and bursting with pride ... and this is the only place I feel comfortable giving myself a pat on the back .. it's not even something to discuss in RL with anyone for various reasons

I was pleased with myself last week when dh's blood test results came in. Mind you, he is responsible mostly because 1) he has become very very dedicated to getting in his exercise - even more so than two years ago when his bloodwork was last taken, and 2) he is the one making the really good food choices outside of the house. I felt I could take a little credit though, because I prepare his three meals a day - including packing his lunch. He lost quite a bit of weight (not on purpose) during my first 3 years on Atkins due to the food changes I made in the house. But in the last two years he has risen to a new level of fitness .. not only does he look like an athlete, but his bloodwork reflects it too:

Cholesterol Total: 215/ improved from 2 yrs ago which was 224
LDL: 131
HDL: 60
Tri: 118/ improved from 2 yrs ago which was 146

Although the overall cholestrol appears higher than the recommendation of 200 or below, his ratios are awesome due to the high HDL count .. as are the triglycerides .. At one point he was on statins a few years back.

and then today, my youngest dd was weighed at the doctor's office .. and for the first time since she was an infant, she weighed "healthy weight" for her height (17.7, which is 80th BMI in children's bmi down from 93rd BMI). I am so darn excited!!! We have been working so hard at not letting her know we were working on this, so I resist the urge to weigh her!!! and she had definitely put on a few pounds on our Mexico vacation, because I made the decision to let her eat bad food choices and just not to allow her to gorge herself ...

Anyhow, today is a big big day!!! I have been working on this for at least three years, with her weighing in "overweight" at each doctor's visit. I recently had found my weight and height measurements in my school record from elementary school ... and I was obese from the time I entered school in kindergarten, with one school year weighing in as merely "overweight" (probably one of those lowfat diets my mom used to put me on). I just know that little dd and I are simply alike - no shutoff valve - and my older one takes after dh's family.

I don't know whether anyone else can relate to how thrilled I am. It has been probably my most important goal in the last few years to make sure that my children have a healthier start to their lives than I had without the heartache of being labeled the fat lazy greedy kid.

All four of us weigh in at "healthy BMI" today. Happy, happy day.
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Old 10-27-2008, 12:24 PM   #794
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All four of us weigh in at "healthy BMI" today. Happy, happy day.

Awesome!
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Old 10-27-2008, 04:51 PM   #795
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that is all totally awesome Pauline!!!
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Old 10-27-2008, 07:44 PM   #796
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Great job! Your family is doing awesome! You have every right to feel very proud! What an awesome accomplishment for your family!

I am going to make a point of not talking about dieting, etc. in front of my dear little granddaughter. I don't want her to worry about her weight when she gets older. Thank goodness my family did not talk about weight and even though I thought I was a heavy child, I was just a little overweight growing up. I was not obese but I always thought I was. Most of the girls looked like Twiggy! Unfortunately as a teenager I started the dread cycle of dieting and I wound up obese.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:58 AM   #797
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Thanks Rebecca, Deb and Dianne

It is so hard to keep it quiet in earshot of the little ones ..but they do notice everything!!

October 28, 2008

I was out shopping today and went to check out the drink mixes. Little dd has had a version of fruit2o in her lunches for the past two years - so she had something with flavor and was not jealous of the other children - and she recently told me that she did not like them anymore .. so we came up with bottled water with a sugarfree crystal light packet in it, but I was trying to find a more economical mix. Anyhoooo, there I was reading labels and I was just shocked to realize that the regular mixes made with sugar (sweetened kool-aid powder, countrytime lemonade, etc.) were anywhere from 120 to 160 calories to make a 16 oz serving ..

Wow!! Even if I do decide to ease up on the little one some, that would be crazy to add an additional 120-160 calories in liquid form!!! At her current weight, her regular daily caloric intake according the children's websites should be about 1400 calories a day. Amazing. A single two-glass portion of juice or "fruit drink" wud be enough to puh her back into the overweight category.

My eldest drinks 100% juice freely (230 calories for 2 glasses ). She will not eat many vegetables, so I let her do that without watering it down even ... but I guess if she ever wants to "lose weight" (she is hitting those teenage years) ... I have a slow, but easy answer ...

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Old 10-28-2008, 11:14 AM   #798
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I wish the individual crystal lights packages were cheaper too. we go through a lot of them. I like different flavors then my husband plus we use them at work alot. I just fill my water bottle and add them. Maybe you could prefill a water bottle with crystal light from a pitcher. Costco sells it cheaper then grocery. I think they tend to just have lemonade. There is also store brand individual ones and pitcher size.
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Old 11-12-2008, 04:40 AM   #799
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Deb I found some other options at Walmart ... well, for the kids anyhow, lol! There are 5 calorie ones made by Hawaiian Punch which is $1 for a package of 8. Luckily dd is absolutely thrilled about those ones, so that's really working out!!!

November 12, 2008

I weathered a very busy weekend and Veterans Day! My dd saw the doctor yesterday and is doing much better. I have been having some trouble with emotional eating. What is the usual thing for me - kind of flipping out in the late afternoons / evenings at home. I'm happy to say that exercise is on track. So, I have two days of clean eating under my belt. Weirdly, I have not had the hunger attacks or carb cravings that used to come with my jumps off the wagon and am hoping that maybe my body is just seeing this awful awful behaviour as carb cycling, lol. My weight is up two pounds to 130 - which is still fine, so as long as I snap out of it and get back to basics everything should be ok.

It is really upsetting that I cannot just kick the binge eating - that my instinct is still to self-medicate with food. But I suppose it could be worse. At least I can feel the two extra pounds on my body and they actually make me feel bigger. It makes me understand how other people - the "normal" people self-regulate. If you can feel two extra pounds and it instinctively makes you eat a little less .. well, there you are: maintenance. Maybe the last two weeks have been a step forward and not a step back?

That'd be cool!

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Old 11-12-2008, 04:45 AM   #800
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Pauline, I can't master eating clean every minute of every day. It is good to think of it as eating right 80% of the time of something doable. It is also easy to over eat foods that are good choices. I can eat a whole bag of mini rice cakes but I guess that is better then a 20 cookies.

We don't have Walmart near us. I spend the money on the Crystal Light individual packets and I am hoping they go on sale again soon and I will really stock up.Honestly I used to only drink water and I think it was better for me and made me crave sweets less. Now I am hooked on the Crystal Light. When I eat out I have water and it is fine. When I run I drink water too.
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Old 11-12-2008, 05:12 AM   #801
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Hi Pauline.. Keep on Keeping on xx
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Old 11-12-2008, 07:41 AM   #802
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Pauline!

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It is really upsetting that I cannot just kick the binge eating - that my instinct is still to self-medicate with food.

...It makes me understand how other people - the "normal" people self-regulate.
If you can feel two extra pounds and it instinctively makes you eat a little less .. well, there you are: maintenance.
Maybe the last two weeks have been a step forward and not a step back?
For what it's worth...I can't help but wonder if my instinct will always be to self-medicate with food.

At least we recognize it and heep moving forward.

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Old 11-12-2008, 04:54 PM   #803
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Hi Pauline,

I know you are a believer in emotional eating (binges), but I am wondering if you have any physical symptoms that predict the binge? Things like fatigue, trouble concentrating, irritability, etc.

Recently I discovered that right after I binge, even though I feel like crap, my concentration is better and my motivation is through the roof. I had a binge about a month ago which resulted in me plastering, sanding, and painting my living room, something I had been putting off for months. And I ordered several books on Amazon so I could start a software project I had been thinking about for months.

So I guess my question is "Which came first, the emotional or the physical?"
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Old 11-13-2008, 05:24 PM   #804
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Thanks Everyone!

Rich, I do binge for reasons like fatigue .. in fact tonight, the second I finished eating, it came into my head that I needed more food. I knew I didn't as I eat a big dinner and in fact, 5 minutes later, I felt quite full. With me, I have observed the binges are a response to a discomfort emotional or physical, for sure. I do know I perform better physically the day after a binge and even though I feel like crap too, lol, i.e. running or whatever, but I attribute it to the "carb-loading" effect .. I dunno!!!

November 13, 2008

My 8 year old had her physical on Tuesday .. . and her doctor nearly leaped out of his chair with happiness. He was careful to phrase it properly so that she did not pick up on it at all, but he basically said this is the first time she's been at a healthy weight for at least the past few years .. and he was very happy. Me too!!!!!

Then I got a call from the weight study that dd has been in for the last two years (through her clinic) for the final phone survey about our food and exercise habits It is weird, I could totally identify the questons designed to determine whether a child has developed binge eating disorder or the start of anorexia. They also asked for my and my husband's weight and height. I had told them at the beginning of the study that we would probably skew their study results because I am knowledgeable on the subject, etc. It is a good program though. I guess if we help them justify instituting this program for overweight children, it is all to the good.

Ugh so today I started raking leaves from the areas dh typically does not care as much about - which matter to me!! lol!!! trying to beat the rain storm that was forecast and well 3 hours of raking and dragging later, I finished about a half acre .. the whole front of the house!!! Yippeeeee ... but now I ache and today was my exercise "rest" day, lol! According to ****** I burned about 500 calories and yeah it definitley was cardio .. and apparently I burned about what I would have burned in a regular workout, so I could skip tomorrow's workout and seeing as 1) I have a workman coming, 2) tomorrow is "walk to school" day again at dd's school, and 3) I will probably be sore and stiff tomorrow morning, I will either skip it, or go and do a shorter workout ....

Oh yeah, day 4 of clean maintenance eating .. Go me!

Last edited by TaDa!; 11-13-2008 at 05:27 PM..
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Old 11-14-2008, 03:27 AM   #805
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November 14, 2008 Morning

Well I weighed in this morning as if it were a normal Friday weigh-in and my weight is down to 128.5. I feel like I do not "deserve" to be at this weight after a week of binge eating at night .. well, but I am pleased too. OK, no weighing now until next Friday.

Rather than skip, I decided to do an ultra-short workout this morning. I'm thinking 15 minutes of cardio and 2 sets each of lower body (I usually do three sets). It'll make my day more manageable and will at least get the lower body done for the week ...
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Old 11-14-2008, 05:15 AM   #806
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Pauline you are too hard on yourself. It is OK to binge if you can get right back on track. It is those binges that keep going that are the issue. You can be happy and lose weight or maintain and binge once in a blue moon. You workout alot. You are usually right on with you eating and things happen. You work hard to lose and to maintain and one bad day or week doesn't change what you have accomplished and continue to accomplish!!!
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Old 11-14-2008, 06:24 AM   #807
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Quote:
Originally Posted by debbiedo View Post
It is OK to binge if you can get right back on track. It is those binges that keep going that are the issue.
You can be happy and lose weight or maintain and binge once in a blue moon.
...one bad day or week doesn't change what you have accomplished and continue to accomplish!!!
Thanks for posting this, Deb.

It is a true, important, and necessary reminder for all of us.

Pauline, I think both you and I are often too hard on ourselves.
(I'm sure this stems from our desire for perfectionism--which doesn't even exist IRL).

Pat yourself on the back for how far you've come and I will too!

Happy W/E!!!

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Old 11-14-2008, 10:41 AM   #808
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Thanks gals Deb, it is not the normal overeating thing unfortunately. I really am ok when that happens, even if I am not overjoyed, lol! - when that happens, it is a decision and nothing more than a blip on the radar, things like gorging on chips and cheese at a party, or ordering a huge meal and then eating it all at a restaurant or something like that. I'm ok with that. It's just normal life.

When it smacks of binge eating disorder - just mindlessly putting food - any food, even food I do not like or enjoy - into my mouth, often eating secretively, and it is a behaviour I cannot stop, then it is a problem - and I know I am in trouble when it starts happening on consecutive night. Last time this happened, I re-gained 30 lbs despite trying every day to just eat at maintenance levels.

It's not really something you can even understand if you have not been through it. I've had episodes that last months despite trying every day to just get back on track. Anyhow, I feel like I am more or less over this one - and maybe it won't happen like this for another year or so, but I can't know, I can just go a day at a time essentially.

At my best, I will binge only maybe one time a month - a TOM-induced one and so far, that is the most I can hope for. Being able to maintain despite my problem and having such a minimal weight gain despite huge huge quantities of food last week is a very exciting thing

Thanks for all your support!!



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Old 11-14-2008, 05:24 PM   #809
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Believe me I have binged and I have eaten secretly. I have done this since I was a kid. Cookies wouild be eaten by the handful. Once I even ate cookies my roommate got from her family.
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Old 11-18-2008, 06:46 PM   #810
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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November 18, 2008

My weight the last 6 months .. my goal weight range was 130-135 until the other day ... totally cool considering this includes an all-inclusive vacation just eating on the fly, still having bnge eating episodes and social occasions when I overeat ...

June 1, 2008 - November 18, 2008



Who knew I'd ever be happy to see all those zigzags? Yay
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