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Old 07-11-2008, 04:44 AM   #661
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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July 11, 2008 Morning

Well I managed to live through that night of hunger but was dismayed my weight popped up an entire pound overnight, lol!! Reward for good behavior, I thought to myself ... then last night I realized I am holding water weight because my chest got very sore - stupid woman issues - and this morning which is official weigh-in day, that pound disappeared.

Looking at my weekly weigh-ins for the last 6 weeks is kinda helpful. Uh ... looks like maintaining to me? So what's the issue Pauline? There've been no carb blowouts during this time, although I have enjoyed meals out and some special treats here and there. The report on average calories and carbs puts me at 2127 calories, 83 net carbs for the past month ... Interesting ...

Friday Weigh-ins:

June 6 ... 134
June 13 ... 131.25
June 27 ... 132
June 27 ... 129.75
July 11 ... 132.25
July 11 ... 132.75
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:34 AM   #662
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July 13, 2008

It is very hard to not flip out when the weight goes up in that five pound Maintenance range ... but I guess, as I always told myself on the weightloss portion: If you know you are behaving properly with food and exercise, there should be no reason to worry that your weight is doing the wrong thing ... In fact on the weightloss portion, when behaving, I found no reason to weigh myself. Right now I am trying to figure out what Maintenance means for food, so I am keeping closer tabs ... can't wait til I am more sure of myself and feel comfortable enough to stick to weekly weigh-ins!

Right now I am having raging PMS, physical discomfort, thoughts of food, general grumpiness, slight weight bump-up ... but at least I am identifying it for what it is!! I must say I am doing really really well for July though!! Week 2 has been successfully completed! One more week to go until I am back at home and on my normal schedule food-wise, exercise-wise etc ... in my comfort zone. Also, I *am* still at goal technically .. this is good, very good!

All the talk of obesity and self-victimization has been very good for me too. It really underscores the big changes I have made for myself in my mental environment. Weightloss is all well and good, but only through changing my mindset can I ensure that this is a permanent change. And the change in my relationship to others and to food is something I must reinforce every day. Someone referred to Robin Williams and a show he was on regarding addiction ... how after many many years of being clean, he had a relapse (and got himself through it). I do believe that this problem is very similiar and truly will be a lifelong battle for **me,** anyhow. And ... I am good with that ...

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Old 07-13-2008, 09:58 AM   #663
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I agree with what you say in your last post at the end. I too am good with that.
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Old 07-14-2008, 04:53 AM   #664
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Mavis .. It is so good to know I have other good friends on this journey ... There's not much we can do about our past and things that happened to us, but we can take control of our present and future. So what if it means more work for some of us? It is what it is!! No amount of self-pity will get us over it. We just have to deal!!! Ha Ha! Deal to Heal ... Pauline
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Old 07-14-2008, 12:31 PM   #665
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July 14, 2008

I cannot get on the computer when I want to hence the sporadic postings. I must say it is really getting on my nerves ... well, one more week of this. I am also not crazy about the gym I am going to .. so my usual once-a-week hour of cardio is sounding worse and worse to me, lol! Thank goodness I have only one more week! lol! But I did come up with a solution:

Usual
------
4x40 min cardio
1x60 min cardio = total 220 min per week
4x40 min weight training

So, if I slightly lengthen some of my 40 minute cardio sessions, I will not have to do a 60 minute stretch. Today I did 50 minutes, which leaves 170 minutes left ... I can break it into 45 minute sessions for the rest of the week or some such. Luckily today I just felt like going forever - after my weekend rest - so it was a breeze ... maybe I will start to go by how I feel (as long as the total meets my desired quota)? Just a thought.

I am still pms'ing .. my weight went up a pound over the weekend (no poor eating at all), and then dropped the pound overnight, but I still have water weight on me - can feel the soreness. You know when I did not step on the scales so much, I never realized how much my weight does fluctuate .. no wonder Dr. A suggests a five pound range for goal weight!!!
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Old 07-15-2008, 04:49 AM   #666
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July 15, 2008

I'm doing fine wol-wise which is still shocking to me as I ALWAYS have binged when I am here, or at least I have the last four years out of stress. I think there are a few good reasons why I have not:

1. Food Schedule. New this year! Yes I deviate from it, but essentially I follow it most of the time and eating at intervals when I am not hungry has helped keep me from searching the kitchen and finding the foods that are here for everyone else and not ok for me! So, I am not doing "intuitive eating" Big deal - big sacrifice for staying a healthy weight ... NOT!!

2. Covering Food. I think my biggest problem that there was here is that everyone left food open on the counter - bags of tortilla chips , open bags of nuts, bowls of different fruits and berries over which I cannot control myself. The few times that I saw containers like this, I simply convinced the person in question that we should put it in a bowl with plastic wrap over it and into the fridge, or a twist tie and into the cupboard.

Yeah I did have some cherries yesterday, but I would have eaten 100 carbs worth if they had stayed on the counter - instead I had a handful and that was fine - perfect even! Funny, but truly if those types of food are out of sight, I just do not eat them.

3. Special Foods. I have bought a few special foods - most notably avocados - that I might not have spent the money on at home - but getting the sensation that I am treating myself has really helped my attitude toward food here.

4. Getting Out and the Computer. When the kids are at camps, I get out of the house and do things so I am not hanging around bored or having my family annoy me too terribly much.

5. Attitude Toward Restaurant Food For some reason, not sure why, the restaurant fare of fried fish, white breads, onion rings, french fries just has not appealed to me as much as good lowcarb meals have. Also, the focus on eating out when I am down here has just changed. It's like we only do that maybe once a week and I do not want to waste my meal out on trashy food, but rather on fancier dishes that are more lc ... Happy coincidence I think? Wish I knew how to perpetuate this attitude, but I don't really, lol!

Anyhoooo, doing well so far!! I do deserve a reward of sorts next week because this is a big accomplishment for me. I will have to think of something ...
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Old 07-15-2008, 05:19 AM   #667
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Pauline you have it mastered and you are doing great!!!

I always drive my mom crazy when I am there. She hated having to make food I would eat. I still am picky but I manage on normal food just try to watch the amounts. I am not going to eat fried, breaded foods and I don't eat much bread. She doesn't eat much of that either. She will have lots of fruit becaus she knows my son and I both like it and she buys oatmeal for me to eat every day. My son is actually pickier then me. We eat out some and that is the challenge because it is hard not to eat nachos etc. Mostly I plan for the day and don't exclude foods completely. It will only be 7 days for me so not too bad.
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Old 07-15-2008, 06:52 PM   #668
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July 15, 2008 #2

Yah ... doing so well ... and then it happened ... but I did employ damage control, so I remain pleased with how things are going!

Ate 115 net carbs today, but the right amount of calories ... No, it was not to plan. I did compensate by skipping dinner tho. And I was able to shorten it to a mini-binge - rather than a full-out lying in the gutter binge as I have done in the past. It absolutely was a PMS and "My family drives me bonkers" binge and after looking back at it, I can say, I do not think there was anything I could have done differently to stop before I started. I did try a few things, but it was just a build-up of things that did not let up ...

Anyhow, I am just going to move on!!!
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Old 07-17-2008, 05:12 AM   #669
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July 17, 2008

I have had trouble getting on the computer .. My Dad is writing a book and needs it when the muse hits, etc ... I expect I will not be on regularly until midweek next week!

I am happy to report that things are still going very well! My actions on the day I had my "short" binge probably helped - and that was, to tell myself, ok, you binged at 5 pm - well, that's your dinner - rather than eating a full dinner and dessert and getting that engorged feeling. Weirdly, my TOM water weight left me the very next morning, where I dropped a whole other pound! to 131.25 and I remain at that weight - which actually is a perfect weight for me.

I am still having a rough time obsessing on food in the afternoon and evening (like I would when I am in binge mode) ... getting by 2 and a half weeks before this happened down here is a success in itself! I am managing to stick to scheduled food, but it is torturous. Under normal conditions, and at this weight, I would let myself have a little more (like this coming weekend when we will have guests here), but in this frame of mind, I have to be a little more strict, because when I am emotional, 1 or 2 turns into a binge ...

This is hard for other people to understand, but I am not your normal average everyday person. I am an emotional eater, a binge eater and I have to live my life monitoring the warning signs and taking action ...

Wish me luck this weekend. My mother is buying fruit, cheese and crackers, and chips - three of my problem foods I plan to stay away from the room where they will be laid out and not allow myself ANY. Anyone who wishes to pray for me, please feel free
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Old 07-17-2008, 09:37 AM   #670
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Originally Posted by TaDa! View Post
July 17, 2008

My mother is buying fruit, cheese and crackers, and chips - three of my problem foods
What, no ice cream?
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Old 07-17-2008, 11:26 AM   #671
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lol! Beachguy ... no ... my danger is in legal foods ... lol!!!

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Old 07-18-2008, 11:01 AM   #672
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Pauline, I just wanted to say you're my hero!
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:44 AM   #673
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Thanks Elizabeth ... I'm not all that great tho' ... just sayin

July 20, 2008

Yesterday went well - on plan and I stuck up for myself and, unlike in the past, did what was right for my little family of 4 instead of feeling obligated to be a prisoner of others' plans while at the same time doing things with them too - but only what made sense and was reasonable.

We are going to a fancy shmancy brunch this morning - 8 of us - and I gave dh the ok to go play 9 holes of golf with a neighbor early this morning .. because I knew he'd have a lot of fun and we've already spent lots and lots of time with my folks' guests .. and maybe he'll even make it to the brunch.

This is good. In the past, I'd have done things I didn't want to and made my family do things they didn't want to do from a sense of duty and "doing the right thing .." Not wanting to do any of it would cause me to binge to stuff down feelings and was all wrapped up with a huge sense of guilt too. I think anticipation of a series of these situations is what was stressing me out a few days ago ..

How ever did I get this overblown sense of duty and responsibility ... and how the heck could I think that the responsibility should always fall on me, and not equally on everyone else, sisters, friends, family members ...

Another thing to keep an eye on! I owe it to myself.
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Old 07-20-2008, 07:03 AM   #674
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Pauline, Love the new Avi.



You are amazing!!! I hope you family sees it and tells you how wonderful you do with everything. I mean being a mom, daughter, and your weight loss and fitness.
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Old 07-20-2008, 12:17 PM   #675
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Pauline, Great new picture! Love the laugh!

I could have written your post. Those are the exact questions that I have been asking myself!
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:33 PM   #676
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Pauline. I love your new picture! You look so happy and "SKINNY"!!

I need to post a new one of myself. The one I am using is from Christmas - about 15 lbs. ago.

You amaze me with your posts. I have started working on things in my own life but am not nearly as good as you are at figuring it out! KUTGW!
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Old 07-21-2008, 04:52 AM   #677
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Thanks so much ladies!! Dianne ... I think Elizabeth's new picture (GardenGirl) inspired me to post this one .. it was from that highschool reunion in June

You should definitely post a new one when you can!!!! 15 lbs makes a huge difference!!
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:28 PM   #678
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Wow, you look absolutely joyous, Pauline!

Great pic!
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:34 PM   #679
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Thanks PhiLee ... I was ... it was my 25th highschool reunion ... and well, I liked everyone as much as I did in highschool and we were just laughing our butts off and haveing a grand old time ... can you see the lip and teeth stained from red wine??!! lol!!

July 21, 2008

Ohmigosh, I am home. I am so happy to be home! I actually had a pretty good time this summer at the folks, but I have to say my father was just outrageous tonight. It is like, as my parents age, their self-absorption and inconsideration for others, is just magnified tenfold. My 7 year old behaves with more sensitivity to others .. anyhoooooo. I did not flip out too much and start screaming in public - we were at a RESTUARANT! - like I might have done (and with good reason!!) in the past. A few choice words and then I remained polite until we left - but only civil, because he just crossed the line.

Good to be home!!! Can't wait to get on the scale tomorrow morning - my usual scale - just to confirm that I have been getting an accurate idea of my weight on it from the digi one (taking the digi reading and adding 3.25 lbs, lol!) ...
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Old 07-22-2008, 09:35 AM   #680
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Welcome home, Pauline!

It's always nice to leave on vacation but it feels so wonderful to come back home!

I was reading through my journal last night and got to the posts from last summer and you had posted about your annual trip to your parents. You've done an amazing job this year! It gives me hope that some day I will to be a grown-up. LOL

Last edited by GardenGirl639; 07-22-2008 at 09:38 AM..
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Old 07-23-2008, 03:40 AM   #681
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OMG Dianne!!! I loooooooove your new avatar!!!!!! You look much thinner than the last avatar - even if it was "only" 15 lbs" lol!!!! I love your big smile!!! Who is the beautiful baby with you??!!!

Elizabeth ... I know what you mean, lol! I did feel like the grownup in the situation a lot of times over the past three weeks .. especially when my father tried to provoke me into some kind of outburst just as we were leaving. I think they were stunned by my response .. and you know, I really do not know how I got to that place at all .. little by little, I guess

July 23, 2008 Morning

I was pleasantly surprised to see that my scales are in sync (with the 3.25 lb discrepency) as I weighed in yesterday at 132.25 .. and today at 130.5. It appears I can do some poor eating and as long as I get back on track immediately, my weight goes down within a couple of days - and the whole while stays within that 5 pound range.

Looking at ****** for the past month, the average daily (including binges and overeating which I tried to accurately ****** as well!), my food came to about 2200 calories, 85 net carbs and my calories burned (exercise+ lifestyle) came to about 2200 calories burned ...

In truth I am eating 1950-2050 calories, 75 carbs daily and the excess 200 cals, 10 carbs in the daily average is basically accounted for by binge eating and the days I overate. It would be really nice to move from this pattern to having those extra calories consumed happily at a special meal here or there, and that is my goal, but I have maintained and these last three weeks are unusual for me, so I will take it and be happy about it!!!

I am tired from my workout yesterday! There was a guy at the track running intervals - so a faster 2 laps and then walking 2 laps, but he rudely decided to start up just as I was passing every time and well, I cannot pass up a challenge - so even though I was not getting any rest laps, I decided I would not let him pass me no matter what .. and I did not! Resulting in 8 minute miles for me ... can we say "tired"?

God I hope he does not show up this morning
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Old 07-23-2008, 07:16 AM   #682
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I am tired from my workout yesterday! There was a guy at the track running intervals - so a faster 2 laps and then walking 2 laps, but he rudely decided to start up just as I was passing every time and well, I cannot pass up a challenge - so even though I was not getting any rest laps, I decided I would not let him pass me no matter what .. and I did not! Resulting in 8 minute miles for me ... can we say "tired"?

God I hope he does not show up this morning

good story

and congrats on the girl power
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Old 07-23-2008, 09:53 AM   #683
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TaDa,
I'm new to this site, and stumbled on your story by accident. I am humbled and encouraged by your struggles, revelations, and achievements.

I've always played sports, worked out, and have turned myself into a long-distance runner. But I've always struggled with my weight, and use binge eating as my emotional crutch. I'm working on the emotional issues, hoping to untangle some knots so I don't need my crutch. I'm also working on a food and eating plan that shifts my internal focus from negative deprivation to positive eat-for-a-better-workout mindset. I really like the BFFM framework. The structure and "training" regimen of that program is comforting to me because I'm used to being coached in sport or by a trainer. I'd love to get faster, relieve my plantar fascitis, and have mercy on my IT band.

Have you used the BFFM program? If so, how have you tweaked it to match your own personal goals?

You seem to forgive yourself for binge eating, and seem to be able to stop yourself, keep it in check, or "talk yourself down from the ledge" (which is how I think of it). One of my binges lasted 2 years and left me with 30 extra pounds! Obviously, I have some work to do. I still weigh myself morning, noon, and night...which, if I'm down a pound, only gives me justification to eat more chocolate...no matter that I'm up 3 and inching ever so much higher.

When I ran the NYC marathon last fall, I put utter blind faith in my training program. I didn't doubt it. I ran my 3 milers every Tuesday and Wednesday. I ran my 5 & 6 milers every Thursday. I did long runs every weekend, adding mileage as recommended. My final long training run was a 22 miler before taper. I knew when I finished this run that I would complete the marathon. Before that, it never occurred to me that I would or would not complete it. I only focused on the run I was doing. The end goal was too far beyond my imagination to even think about.

I am thinking about that blind faith in the program, and how I was so ignorant of distance running that it never occurred to me doubt my plan. I think I need this kind of blind faith in a nutritional plan. There's a relief in going on auto-pilot.

I'm still trying to work this out and get used to the idea that I need to loosen the grip I have on my "crutch," focus not on diet, but on nutrition, and move toward becoming faster, stronger, and healthier.

And I wanted you to know that your story was encouraging to me.

Thanks,
SloAs...
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Old 07-23-2008, 11:37 AM   #684
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Thanks Pauline! That little cutie with me is my 2 yr. old granddaughter. If you look at my profile you will see her with me as a baby when I was at my heaviest and on the 4th of July. I could hardly carry her up the stairs when she was a baby and now if I want I can run up and down and carry her.

I do love it when people put an updated avatar. Yours is so great!
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Old 07-23-2008, 01:46 PM   #685
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Thank you for responding, Pauline.

I have planned and eaten 5 meals for the second day and I feel pretty calm. You hit the nail on the head when you said that bingers need to plan their next meal and have it soon. Yes!! My husband eats two or three (huge) meals a day-no snacking. I have aways felt self-conscious about snacking in front of him. So I don't. I do it in secret. So not only do I binge, I do it in the closet!

I am interested in info on OA or binging. I will look for Binge No More, but if anyone has any other recommendations, I would love to hear.

This site has been a great find. Thank you everyone for sharing.

SloAs
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Old 07-24-2008, 04:17 AM   #686
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Dianne! That is very cool about the pix and your grandaughter!!! She is just adorable and lucky to have the hot nana!!

SloAs That's great that you had a good second day! I really like the 5-6 meals myself and plan to eat that way for the rest of my life! since it works for me!

Did you see the thread on binge eating on the Main Board? There are a bunch of people talking about binge eating there and mentioning ideas, etc. Might help you out! http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/ma...ge-eating.html

July 24, 2008 Morning

I fought and won an urge last night to binge and eat some lc chocolate bars I have stashed in my car. It was very hard! I think the urge was triggered by being upset at my father ... Today I will find a trash can far away and trash those suckers. I obviously still cannot handle keeping chocolate around and will have to just buy it one at a time.

Well the weight is down again today with just the normal eating and exercise. I am at 130. It works out great for me, though. Today was going to be difficult to get my exercise in since dd has a doctor's appointment. Since I am also at the bottom of my goal range, I am going to skip today. It is great to be able to do this and actually easier for me than adding food, lol!
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:47 AM   #687
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TaDa!

I've been told that the urge to binge will never go away. But with personal growth, we can dial down the noise in our head, and stop it short of where it stopped before. Those urges will be fewer and farrer between. I hold on to that.

Ahh, running injuries. I love them. Really. I am so proud to nurse my plantar (check out the book: Where it Hurts and Why, by Kim Ortloff). Its a badge of honor. Black toenails, no toenails, scrapes from those falls during a tough trail run, limps and stiffness. I would much rather nurse these injuries than nurse diabetes, high-blood pressure, high cholestrol. Almost all of my family members are sedentary, seriously overweight, and eat poorly. Almost every single one of them has adult-onset diabetes, takes blood pressure and high cholestrol medicine. Without any sense of the irony, all of them warn me against the dangers of running ("when are you going to stop already" "it's dangerous!" "you'll get kidknapped if you run alone" "you're going to ruin your knees"). That's the good part.

The bad part is that I don't look like a runner. And what they are thinking but don't say is that: It's not doing you any good. You're not losing any weight. What's the point? Okay, maybe that's what I'm hearing. Maybe that's what I'm telling myself. It's my internal self-doubt.

But I keep the faith. One other thing Venuto says in his book is keep trying. Don't give up. If you fail, if the plan fails, find something else. Sometimes I want to let go, a weak grasp as it is. Sometimes I actually do let go. But so far, I've gotten back up. So here I am, trying it yet again.

Day 3 underway and I feel happy. And that's a little weird.

SloAs
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Old 07-25-2008, 05:32 PM   #688
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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I hope Day 4 has gone as well for you SloAs!! That voice saying that you do not look like a runner ... you can bet that is your own inner voice and no one else's. You have to change that inner voice to something more like: "Hell Yah, I'm a Runner! And it's plain as day to anyone who sees me coming down the street ..." KUTGW!!

July 25, 2008

Well it's been a rough but good two days. First yesterday, I had given myself sanction to skip exercise as I had a very busy schedule - off to the doctor's with my eldest for a vaccination and then, as it turned out, had the kids all day as I did not want them to be at camp with major thunderstorms happening - not trusting them to stay inside, etc. But I did enjoy being with them .. they are such good kids ... Then, I am up last night with the youngest one who has a bad ear infection with pain radiating down her jaw - so, off again emergency visit to the doctor, given a gazillion meds. So much so that I have to keep a log. In 8 hours I had to dose her 9 times - 4 of those being ear drops ... and again, I have to say, I enjoyed spending time with her. These kids have turned out well, lol!!!!

Needless to say, that is now two days without exercise .. not a huge deal, but I generally rest on the weekends and now I have to come up with at least one exercise day to compensate .. Did I ever mention that I am a creature of habit and really hate when my schedule is disrupted??!! lol!!!! Anyhoooo, just b****ing, I'll live!!

I was a very good girl, in another regard, only had 2 glasses of wine tonight rather than the 3 I like to have - which generally leave me totally blotto ...


Last edited by TaDa!; 07-25-2008 at 05:36 PM..
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Old 07-26-2008, 04:22 PM   #689
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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July 26, 2008

I did get in a long-ish run today .. just under an hour, so I am feeling better about this week, lol! I also had a nectarine on a whim .. calories and net carbs worked out just fine (I had looked them up at some point recently and did know that). Amazing that they are so many less net carbs than a banana would be .. and well, so much yummier in my opinion! I have become a little fruit crazed lately .. cherries, strawberries, the nectarine .. must be the heat!

I am rather tired between the run and being up last night with dd and the pain meds - 2 nights now. I think tonight I will be awoken again (but just to give her meds), so I will probably head up to bed early, and read. I am reading a Dan Brown book, uh, Deception Point, or something like that. The intrigue has just started and I am ready to read on, lol!

Nothing like a decent book when you need an excuse to hang out in bed.
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Old 07-27-2008, 05:00 PM   #690
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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July 27, 2008

When I woke up, my muscles were sore from yesterday and I realized I have not "run hills" in about a year and a half ... silly me thinking I'd just up and do it like it was nothing. Running on a track is nothing like running hills, lol! The really really rockin awesome great news?! My plantar fasciitis and heel spur are not even giving me the slightest twinge of pain. Wearing the boot at night and changing all my footwear to low heels (from flats) seems to be making the difference. I was aready doing the other recommendations (heel cup, stretches, ice, motrin) before I met with the ortho surgeon ... anyhoooooo ........ Woot!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to throw in a pet peeve .. having made the unfortunate mistake of mentioning that stupid Dan Brown book ... People who want to have their books made into movies, should just write damn movie scripts instead of writing so-called "books" that read like action-adventure cheap thrill trash. After The Davinci Code, I read his Angels and Demons .. a big disappointment, cannot even remember why I disliked it as I tried to forget I had ever read it. Then seeing this book, Deception Point, languishing at my folks', thought I'd give him another try. What an idiot I am. Sorry Dan Brown, you've lost my respect chasing the almighty buck .. I hope you enjoy your vacation to Hawaii or your Landrover or whatever else you'll be buying with your newfound wealth. To me you'll always be a one-work wonder who wasted my time with 2 disappointing books.
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