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Old 03-19-2008, 07:06 PM   #451
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Doing Good
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Old 03-20-2008, 03:35 AM   #452
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Thanks Rebecca

March 20, 2008 Morning

OK, Today is going to be very stressful - starting from 8 am this am up until about 10 pm tonight .. and then tomorrow also. I am just going to take it one event at a time. I am going to try and not worry about what I cannot control and just put my faith in the schedule of events and the people to whom I have parceled out responsibility. I am going to defer my worry, let them carry the responsibility for the hour or two until we have a result.

I am going to work out, get errands done and focus on these things as I do them. It will all be ok. All these things have solutions and worry neither helps them get done nor helps ensure positive outcomes.

OK, back to drinking my coffee, getting dressed and getting the oldest daughter out the door ...

Last edited by TaDa!; 03-20-2008 at 03:38 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 03-20-2008, 10:15 AM   #453
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March 20, 2008 Afternoon

OK, doing much better - the house passed the town's inspection - they suspect one of the houses on the road is leaking something into the storm drain system and our house (not the house we live in - another with 2 sets of tenants) has some ancient pipe feeding in there. And I have been catastrophizing the last two weeks - imagining they'd find something like sewer stuff, condemn the house til it got fixed and we'd have to move the tenants to a hotel and possibly lose the tenants ... really crazy out of control mind spirals.

Just the thought of calling the inspector or the tenants to let them know we'd be coming in was freaking me out and I finally decided to make dh deal with the inspector side of it since any repairs would need his input mostly ... so that was good to keep me from total nervous breakdown before today ... But today while I knew dh was dealing with the inspector, I had some hyperventilation and heart palpitations ... essentially the old panic attack I haven't had in like five years. BUT I did not turn to food.

So, essentially this is what has had me freaking ... I now know that, because I have a few other stressful things today and tomorrow but I am having no physical symptoms at all ... I have just planned for those situations to the n'th degree and I guess I trust that the plan will be just fine because I feel very little stress. It has been the combination of things, maybe?

It is unlikely I will be back here until tomorrow afternoon or evening, but I am feeling so much better now - I always catastrophize about the damn rental house. I wish we could just get rid of it, but it is a really good moneymaker. I think I will start to look into alternate ways of investing the money if we sold it - thing is when you are talking that amount of money, any risk is stressful unless you put it under your pillow, and putting it under the pillow will not work as we need the income ..

Maybe we should buy a business and I could get my sister to move here and we could run it together ... wouldn't that be cool!! I really like the edible arrangements product and there isn't a franchise in this fancy shmancy town I live in .. I could cut up fruit all day!! Just daydreaming ...

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Old 03-20-2008, 11:40 AM   #454
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Wow! It sounds stressful.

You are doing such a good job of talking/thinking through the issues and finding solutions! With that comes power.

Your post just resonates with that power.

I hope that your day continues to become less and less stressful.

I can't wait to see your "victory" post tomorrow!
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Old 03-21-2008, 04:36 PM   #455
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Thanks Elizabeth!

March 21, 2008

Well I almost made it three months binge free ... oh well!! it was not typical of the past binges though. It was at a party this evening and it put me at 800 calories over Maintenance calories ... and I am very sorry to report <aaack> 175 net carbs over the current norm. Well, it was in the space of about 2 hours or less and I am home and done eating for the night, lol!

Truth be told, it really is not too bad as long as I do not let it affect me tomorrow. I think it was a binge of relief triggered by sitting in front of piles of food with not too many people I felt like talking to .. is there such a thing as a binge of relief? must be. Ah well! I am announcing that it is my last binge of relief

It started on the cheese which I knew was to many calories, went on to some red wine, tortilla chips and sushi. I just hope I am not all craving everything in sight tomorrow!!! I will just have to keep the family very very busy! lol!!! It is weird, I feel like I should be more upset over this - but I am not.

Now just to try and stop any internal recriminations tomorrow ... I will come in and post if and when the recriminations start.
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Old 03-21-2008, 05:18 PM   #456
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Truth be told, it really is not too bad as long as I do not let it affect me tomorrow.

[COLOR="Blue"]***Exactly!!![/COLOR]

It started on the cheese which I knew was to many calories, went on to some red wine, tortilla chips and sushi.
What (specifically) makes you consider this a "binge," Pauline?

I ask because I sometimes have trouble deciphering an indulgence or "off-plan" eating or overeating from a binge.

Did you feel a loss of control or did you choose to spurge on cals &/or carbs?

Either way...all will be well!

Winning the war doesn't mean winning every battle, it means keeping at it.

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Old 03-21-2008, 05:38 PM   #457
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I was full and I kept eating so it was a binge. Also it was about 2000 calories in total to make the day about 3350 calories (800 above maintaining at 2500 calories burned today with exercise). 2000 calories in the space of two hours is a binge. If I had stopped with cheese and wine, I'd have simply overeaten and overindulged. I am going by the book definition of every book that I've ever seen on binge eating.

Any way, feel like being sick, but will not be going that route. I thinhk I'm going to go read for a bit now and then go to bed .. I think I was tired and did not want to be rude and go home and there the food was and ... well, you know.

Tomorrow is a new day ...
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Old 03-22-2008, 06:29 PM   #458
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March 22, 2008

Today went just fine! As any true binge eater knows, day 1 post-binge you usually are not very hungry and the usual is to restrict eating in an attempt to make up for the day before ... or so you tell yourself. In truth, you often are trying to punish yourself, to get yourself under control, form of discipline ..

Well I am happy to say I have not done this and have made a point of eating as usual. I do not have a binge urge tonight and I suspect if I have any trouble at all getting back to normal, it will come tomorrow night when the appetite is back and I know I will have hours to spend in the house in the evening .. Monday I have a commitment that keeps me busy. The plan for tomorrow night is to watch "I Can Make You Thin" and remind myself of what is important.

It's funny, this binge feels like a one-time binge, like the TOM ones are when they come. it dfoes not feel like the dark binge period where I am out of control for weeks and cannot see my way out of the tunnel. Why? I do not know, but I need to keep track of these things if I am to figure them out.

Lots of good things today. I went to LL Bean and I am a size XS in most styles ... a roomy XS which is nice! I bought a few tops and a sweater I sorely need spending much more than usual to get clothes that will last and that look good at this weight. I also splurged on my girls and it was fun!

I finally managed to buy tickets for my dd's birthday party -- another stressor of late as she's been nagging me and all the girls could only make it on a certain date ... ugh pre-teens!! lol!!!

DH managed to fix the dryer and the garbage disposal for the tenants .. so all is good on that front too. The week ahead should be pretty quiet except for a dr's appointment I need to make for my dd who is having a pretty bad asthma flareup that is not being controlled by her controller meds - I am confident that we'll get that all set too!

Doing really well, all considered.

Yay!
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Old 03-22-2008, 09:57 PM   #459
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Pauline, I knew you would do fine post binge. A binge isn't the end of the world unless it goes on and on and you end up off plan long term. I am sure you are extra small. I remember when I got to my thinnest and size 4s were so huge I couldn't believe it. Now I am pretty much a 4 and that is fine. I did wear my size 2 jeans today.

You are lucky your husband is handy. Mine isn't.

Hope your daughter is better. I have heard of many people having problems with their kids and asthma right now. I think there are alot of allergens in the spring air.
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Old 03-23-2008, 05:28 AM   #460
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Thanks Deb Unfortunately the binges that go "on and on" haven't been something I can control when they have happened in the past ... just caused by an uncontrollable urge everyday, not even conscious decision in any way. This one does not feel like that so much though and this is really really weird: It is the FIRST time since being on this WOL - 5 years - that I have binged outside of my house or my mother's home. Anyhow - it is a good thing it is over!!!

Aren't clothing sizes so funny .. and our minds .. I don't know why I feel like I'm still way too big when I am nearly (like you) too small for misses clothes. I see other mothers who must wear the smallest juniors clothing - they are very petite too - not anorexic - but I somehow cannot stop comparing myself. It is just terrible! I have a big chest, and hips, and a very small waist and on my short frame, I just will always look different than the current "in" fashionable look and clothes just will not ever look the same on me. I just wonder why I cannot get that into my thick skull!!! lol!!!

Yesterday I bought some tops that are not as clingy and funny thing, I look a lot slimmer and the only reason is the chest thing. I think I also realized that, for casual wear, a tucked in shirt just makes me too chesty and is unnattractive (I am also high-waisted). It is so funny, you lose all the weight and think you won;t have issues with clothing anymore or body image .. but it is sooooooo untrue!!!! lol!!!!!!
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Old 03-23-2008, 06:44 AM   #461
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I have a chest and I have thighs. I run so the muscles are there but my legs are short. What is a waist??
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Old 03-24-2008, 03:56 AM   #462
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LOL!! Debbie!!

March 24, 2008

I did really well yesterday! Twice I had to "ask myself" how I was feeling and what did I really want. The first time was after my afternoon snack. I had decided I wasn't really hungry, but ate it anyway so as to not build up hunger .. as prescribed in all the binge eating books. Well, only about 10 minutes after eating, ravenous hunger hit ??!! I have learned that when this happens, it is not hunger at all. Turns out I was just exhausted from a heavy extra workout in the morning, so I hopped into bed with a book for an hour (Thank God it was Sunday! lol!!!).

The second time, was in the evening around 8 pm - no hunger this time, but I was trying to stay up to watch "I can make you thin," and realized i was way to tired to wait up for a 9 pm show and then watch it til 10 .. especially when I find the host annoys me, lol! so off to bed for me. I am quite sure if I had "made" myself stay up, I'd have started to have food cravings. Weird, huh?!

Anyhow, listening to myself so carefully is the key to success - it is easy when it is something I am used to now like being tired -

But it is not so easy in a situation like the other night ... the reasons are not the usual ones. I think they were: feeling a little alienated from the group there, wishing I had not come, wishing we could leave without appearing rude, and my 12 yo dd was nagging me to leave and acting rude in front of the adults ... ugh! OK, so there's the minefield to look out for next time the food starts to look unusually interesting when I am out!!! Solution? next time, just leave!!! lol!!!!

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Old 03-24-2008, 08:51 AM   #463
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Pauline,
I am sorry about your binge.

I am glad that you are listening to yourself and trying to get back to your typical self. Being able to analyze what is going on during post-binge is amazing. I'm sure it is what has stopped the cycle for you. How many times do we punish ourselves by not eating, beat ourselves up with words, and then turn to food again do soothe ourselves from our own self abuse? Being able to take care of yourself, feed your body, and give yourself rest really is an incredible feat. Bravo!

It's funny that you should mention that you were too tired to watch Paul McKenna. We had company until 11:30 p.m. so I taped it. I started to watch the tape and realized the same thing. I was too tired to watch and I would be taking better care of myself to go to bed than to stay up and watch the show.
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Old 03-24-2008, 11:48 AM   #464
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Isn't funny how we deprive ourselves of sleep sometimes and it is the only thing we really really need?!! I have realized that about myself lately with this exercise - sleep is non-negotiable ...
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Old 03-24-2008, 12:02 PM   #465
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...listening to myself so carefully is the key to success...
That's a great tip.

Sometimes though, while trying to listen to my body, I over analyze too much and make myself even crazier!

I must keep searching for balance...

Happy Monday, Pauline!
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Old 03-24-2008, 01:20 PM   #466
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I sleep.

Just finished watching the Paul McKenna tape. They are playing it several more times this week. If you are able to catch it, Pauline, I would be interested to know your thoughts.

Elizabeth
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Old 03-25-2008, 06:11 PM   #467
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I will try to catch the 'emotions" show, but they are only showing it late at night and on Saturday at 1 pm!!! I'll try!!!! Will I have tot ap my face??!!! lol!!!

March, 25, 2008

I'm doing fine - no recriminations! It is interesting though - one night, 3400 calories, 250 net carbs one single day ... every other day perfect and if you add up the calories, I shouldn't have any weight gain at this point, but it is not a simple math equation! No recriminations. This is Pauline, the observer voice speaking (in the parlance of Nash). I am up 2 pounds from my weight last week .. OK, so now I know an evening binge means a week or more of "dieting" to get back to the pre-binge weight.

Not the end of the world, by any means .. but not a cakewalk either! It will be interesting to see what a single meal "out" will mean for maintenance ... guess it's gonna take at least a week or two longer to find out ..

oh well!! doing good!!!!

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Old 03-28-2008, 05:00 AM   #468
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March 28, 2008

Surprise workout this morning!! Snow and ice shoveling! I haven't been in a few days but everything is going a-ok, just haven't had the strength to post at night, lol ... let's just say I am getting in my share of ZZZZZZZZZZZs!

I am still not back to pre-binge weight ... wow! so over a week to do that!! Anyway, I ask myself how could I binge when I was so close to that dang threshhold weight of mine (I ALWAYS plateau at both 140 and 160 and it takes a few weeks to get under it!!! aaack!!!) Well, thankfully, even though I am not back to pre-binge weight I am below 140 <phew!>

Of course the answer to "why" is that it was not and is never a conscious decision when it is a true binge in binge Eating Disorder. It is a totally consuming compulsion. And so it was. No logic involved whatsoever.

Anyhooooooo, I am still doing well with:

1) Using my observer voice to view what has happened and is going on currently rather than starting the recriminations and restrictions.

2) Putting the focus on everyday living and not on my weight, weightloss, or lack thereof!

I am doing really well ... yay me!

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Old 03-28-2008, 06:12 PM   #469
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March 28, 2008 evening

My Notes on:

"I Can Make You Thin" (on Emotional Eating) by Paul McKenna.
on The Learning Channel

We all have a good reason to overeat. Many respond to all internal stresses with food when we cannot tolerate intense emotional feelings. When you are snacking, ask yourself: "Am I really hungry? or do I just want to change the way I feel? We need to stop responding to everything as if it represents hunger.

Responding with food gives us a temporary positive hit, longterm self-loathing. Many respond to a bad time in their life and continue on with that response. How to change the feelings of the past. With this technique, you will feel more peace and calm in yourself so you do not have to take the overwhelming emotion down with food. Craving is a learned behavior. If you learned it, you can unlearn it. Food is the symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. It becomes a habit that can change in a matter of minutes by using the technique for overcoming emotional eating. how? Stopping the emotional overwhelm.

When we have inescapable emotions we try to change our feelings by exterrnal means. We need to change these emotions by internal means. McKenna advocates a technique whereby you tap on acupuncture points to knock out emotional trauma. Dr. Roger Callahan developed this technique, using acupuncture points to dramatically reduce emotional signals.

The idea is to change yourself on the inside when you cannot change what is on the outside. Tapping those negative emotions down will change the way the body processes emotions.

Tapping Sequence:

Under Eye

Collarbone

(back and forth about 10 times)

side of hand

back of hand, keep tapping

close eyes

open eyes

look left, look right

360 degree eyes to right, to left

hum a tune

count 1-5

hum a tune

stop

What Do I Think?

Well it reminds me of the relaxation sequence that is used in all hypnotherapy where you either relax each body part, or feel a warm feeling, or imagine a liquid flowing throughout your body - basically a mental technique for mindfulness to get you in touch with your actual body and its feelings, so yes, I do think it would be effective and is not necessarily foolish, or a "scam" in any way. It reminds us that we have a physical being I think and reminds us that we should feel a physical trigger for hunger, maybe? and so, hey! it cannot be real hunger ...

I also liken the technique to things I have seen my seven year old to soothe herself. She is a thumbsucker, but she is trying to give it up ... so what does she do? She sucks her shirt, she sucks her hair and she feels better ... lol! I think I might teach her the tapping technique. She is also a big eater who uses food to soothe herself ... After all what are we doing overeating but using the food to soothe .... the tapping will send our thoughts inward not outward and I could see it replace the soothing effect of the food ...

I do not like Paul McKenna's format or his motivational speaker-style, but I guess I'll just think of him as a spokesmodel for some actual valid research ....

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Old 03-28-2008, 08:21 PM   #470
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Pauline,

This is what I wrote in my journal about Paul McKenna and the "tapping:"

Quote:
I've also been doing the whole tapping "thing" that Paul McKenna suggests. I don't know why it works, but it seems to. It could be that I want it to work. It could be that it is a distraction. As I said, I don't know, but for me, at least this week, it seems to be helping. I've done a lot less "munching" because I'm bored or upset. Maybe it just brings me "back to reality" so that I'm in the moment and realizing what I'm doing. I'm finding that I'm doing it less and less each day because I'm not feeling the need to eat except when hungry. The whole thing seems pretty silly when you are doing it, but I'm pretty happy with the results so far.

Tonight was pretty amazing because my mom and step-father came over for dinner. If there is anything that will drive me to binge eat, it's that. LOL After they left, I started prowling the kitchen (for Low Carb food, of course.) I was not hungry. I started the tapping routine and I'm telling you, seconds after I was done, I felt the binge feelings drain from my body. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat and watched a movie with my oldest daughter. Hours later, I am physically hungry and am eating a typical meal for me. (Although, I am eating it in front of the computer. Shame on me. )

I could do with a little less of the infomercial feel to the show, but it does seem to be helping me. The real test will be PMS. LOL
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Old 03-29-2008, 06:08 PM   #471
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Very very cool Elizabeth! I haven't had any strong urges, just little ones so I am not sure if the tapping is working or not, lol!!! It does make me giggle though, so that's a plus!!! it definitely is a distraction! lol!

March 29, 2008

My baby is at a town dance ... she's 12 ... and I just had to measure her today. She's 5'3"!!! I only have a quarter inch on her!!! Ohmigosh!!!!

I am doing fine today although I seem to have the telltale pms signs - water weight I can feel in my chest - blech - only been 20 days in between episodes. Well, I'll mention it to my gyn when I see her in a couple of weeks. It does explain some crazy hunger the last couple of days - not binge hunger, real hunger or so it feels like. I keep reminding myself that I am on deficit calories and carbs and that at any time I could eat an extra 500 calories and the appropriate carbs and still be perfectly fine as long as it was on plan food. It is comforting to be able tot ell myself this although I have not had to avail myself of this "ok" I give myself - because I want to be back at 128 pounds and finally allow myself to buy new jeans, lol!!! I have two pairs which are too roomy (size 6p non-stretch) and a single pair of tight jeans -- which I am wearing right now (size 5 juniors stretch).

Anyhow, I think this is another successful element of binge-proofing myself ... the knowledge that I can eat more whenever I want and not be at risk of gaining weight. It is an element I will be introducing into Maintenance with a daily allowance and an extra bonus weekly amount to be used as needed/desired ...
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Old 03-30-2008, 06:13 AM   #472
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March 30, 2008

I have found a new way to treat myself well and make myself feel taken care of and appreciated ... by me! I have written about how eating a similiar menu day in and day out is comforting to me rather than boring because it means I always know what is coming next in my hectic schedule. There do come some times of boredom with the food though ... I have decided, though that for my next stage (and starting now), I will do for me what I do for my family. They pretty much take the same lunches into school and work every day because it is just easier for me as they all have different nutritional needs and well, I cater to each one of them. breakfast is also pretty standard. Dinner however is a different story. Each night I strive to make something different so that they have variety and healthy foods that they all like ...

Well, I have started to do this for myself, but the other way around. I eat the same dinner day in, day out so that making the family special dinners is easier for me. Lunch however is a time when I am only making my food and so in the past week or so I have been coming up with some different alternatives and this has felt much more like maintenance to me. I eat what I feel like when I come in for lunch! and when I am out shopping, I look for pre-made lowcarb stuff that I would enjoy. Just last night I bought a vegetarian Thai soup, an Indian meal of paneer and peas, a lobster bisque - all to try when I feel like it this week. Last week, I had my standard veggie burger and brussel sprouts, scottish smoked salmon, cream cheese, onon, tomato on a pita with brussel sprouts,cream of mushroom soup with a cream cheese "sandwich" where before it would have been the same meal every day. I have made sure the calorie and carbs are consistent.

It's a small silly thing really, but it feels like the way forward for me along the lines of not depriving oneself of nice foods a la Joyce Nash, Chris Fairburn and even Paul Whatsit. I definitely was not ready to do this and needed total consistency for a while. Maybe it was a way to take the focus off of food that had been such a major importance in my life for most of my life ... but it feels good to realize that I met that need and that now, I simply need something else and all I need to do is to make small changes ... but that often small changes can have a big influence in how you feel about your everyday life.




Some lunches:

veggie burger 338 calories 18 net carbs
slice american cheese
heinz lc catsup
onion slice
half lc pita
8 oz brussel sprouts

Scottish Smoked Salmon 342 calories 14 net carbs
1 oz cream cheese
slice onions
slice tomato
half lc pita
8 oz brussel sprouts

Tasty Bite Tom Yum Soup 330 calories 17.5 net carbs
1.5 oz cream cheese
half lc pita

Tasty Bite Paneer and Peas 330 calories 4.5 net carbs
half lc pita

Cream of Mushroom Soup 403 calories 18 net carbs
1.5 oz cream cheese
half lc pita
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Old 03-30-2008, 07:03 PM   #473
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March 30, 2008 evening

My Notes on:

"I Can Make You Thin" (Episode 3: Food Cravings) by Paul McKenna
on The Learning Channel

There are no forbidden foods in McKenna's method, but if you cannot eat a single piece of chocolate without going overboard, who is in charge, the chocolate or you? If you crave a food and you suspect you are going to binge, there is a technique for that to take control so when you think about that food, you can take it or leave it.

You are not a bad person. You just have a bad habit. Reprogram your mind the same way you reprogram your computer. If you regularly eat chocolate and you stop, your body freaks out because the imagination is always more powerful than the will. The more food is forbidden, the more you will want it. The food takes control of you.

Starving and bingeing is typical diet mentality. Not on this program ... Remember the "I Can Make You Thin" Golden Rule: When you are hungry, go eat.

Compulsions are really easy to fix. You do not need months of therapy. We will create a negative association for you so you get your feelings of pleasure naturally. With our minds we can create negative associations in our mind. We can use our subconscious to direct our conscious behavior by associating foods you crave with foods that repulse you. If you now imagine that food covered in worms, it suddenly is not so appealing. The power of the imagination is always more powerful than the will.

The Technique:

Think about a food you hate the taste of and get a feeling of absolute repulsion. In your mind, get a plate of that food and a a fork and eat a mouthful of it. At the same time squeeze the thumb and fingers on your left hand. Feel the taste and texture of it. Add hair from the barber's floor on it. Truly imagine the sensation of eating that hated food. Chew some more until you are utterly disgusted. Keep squeezing your fingers. We are creating an association of repulsion.

Now, think about a food you crave and use your imagination to add that loved food you feel compulsive about to the repulsive hated food, squeezing your left hand thumb and fingers at the same time.

Next we will create a positive association to replace our food compulsion. Imagine - remember -times when you felt really really good and happy as though you are back there again. While doing this, squeeze the thumb and finger together on your right hand. Keep remembering and feeling those feelings as you squeeze your right hand fingers.

Now take those good feelings and imagine taking those feelings to every place you would comfort eat to get those feelings. Take the feelings with you to each of these places through visualization.

If you continue to do this, when you choose to eat that food, it will no longer be a compulsion, but a choice.

Topic Review: Listen to your hunger signals and remember to eat consciously.

What Do I Think?

I like his techniques ... Again, it is very like my hypnotherapy tapes!! but in my case it is very hard to differentiate between the last two episodes, to determine what is the beginning of a binge chain - that is "emotional eating" in his language (solution: tapping) - and what is "craving" (solution: finger squeezing) as they are so intertwined for me.

Maybe I do not have true cravings at all. I do not have a food like the chocolate in his example - except maybe peanut butter BUT I do fine with simply not having it in the house. I do not seek it out or buy it, etc. so maybe that is why I am confused, lol! I do like this technique though and I truly do believe in behavioral methods. However, I do not think they are the end-all and be-all, but they can absolutely be very effective. Too bad this guy's delivery really irks me, lol!!
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Old 04-01-2008, 04:22 AM   #474
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April 1, 2008

April Fools is very big in our house ... so far this morning: dh found carrots and celery mixed into his strawberry yogurt, the silverware in the silverware drawer is missing, as is the rug in our bedroom ... and it's not even 7 am!

I do not think it is an April Fools joke, but I just received an email that my 25th highschool reunion is the beginning of June ... yikes!! I was going to fool around and color my hair dark and get it cut differently but now I am afraid to!!!! I look just fine right now, whether I get off these last couple of pounds or not! It would just be nice to get them off so that any new clothes I buy are the right size - at this weight, 5 pounds are usually a different clothing size!!

It will be really weird being thin around my highschool friends. none of them have seen me since I weighed about 230 pounds - and even in highschool I was a big girl. Weirdly I do not look forward to it. They'll all be thinking I had weightloss surgery - like my doctor did and I just know I'll be paranoid to eat in front of them - thinking I am being scrutinized .. Recently I was at a restaurant in my hometown and a couple who have known me since I was born and grew up overweight my whole life came over to our table to crow over me. They had not seen me in a good few years , and of course they wanted to know what I was eating, lol!! I was thankful I was having the big fatty cheesy eggplant parmesan, lol!!! Anyhow, this is a little early to start worrying about that!!!! Why do I care so much about what other people think??!! It is the reason I binged 9 days ago and it is something I have always felt and I know will be very hard to overcome .. Anyhow:

The last time my classmates saw me - 10 years ago:



Yah, that says it all - not even the worst of the pictures!
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Old 04-01-2008, 05:10 AM   #475
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Pauline, you have come a long way and you should be proud. I would only go to the reunion because you want to see people that were your friends. Honestly I have never been to a reunion. The timing was always wrong. One(25th I think) I was my grandmothers 90th birthday in Florida. It is 34 years for me this year!!! Honestly I am not interested in how people look. I would like to know where they are and what they are doing after all these years. Everyone will look different and old because we are all 51-52 years old. I am actually larger then I was. I weighed around 105 pounds at the most my senior year. I am not big now I must have been really tiny then.

Your kids are great pulling April Fools! My kids have never done it to us.

Oh and I think your hair color is great now!

If you go to the reunion be proud of who you are and ALL you have accomplished in your life!!!!
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Old 04-01-2008, 06:11 PM   #476
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Thanks so much Deb the April Fools stuff went on and on all day! lol! My seven year old took all my underwear and socks out of my drawers and put hers in there and hid mine ... now if I only weighed 60 pounds, lol!!!

April 1, 2008

I barely recognize that woman anymore. I think I finally see myself as I am. Maybe that is what scares me - that my highschool mates only see her when they think of me and they will be very weirded out and maybe not be able to accept this me. I remember seeing those photos from my 15th reunion above and just crying. There is a picture of all of us and I am the only one there taking up the space of two people. just enormous.

I also have realized that I have always had an inferiority complex of some sort. I always thought it was the weight, but it was just a part of it. I still suffer from this - feel like I do not measure up. It is why I binged at that party the other night and the news of the reunion makes me realize that is another binge risk time in the making. And chances are it will be just when I reach my 128 final weight ... dangerous risky business! Gotta keep thinking about it.

As hungry as the last few days have been (pms), today was un-hungry. Hormones are so darn weird! I am going to ask my gyno about it - I see her really soon. Maybe there is something I can go on when I feel the pms symptoms popping up ...

Last edited by TaDa!; 04-01-2008 at 06:13 PM..
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Old 04-02-2008, 08:20 AM   #477
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDa! View Post
I remember seeing those photos from my 15th reunion above and just crying. There is a picture of all of us and I am the only one there taking up the space of two people. just enormous.

I also have realized that I have always had an inferiority complex of some sort. I always thought it was the weight, but it was just a part of it. I still suffer from this - feel like I do not measure up.
Wow,

A really sweet friend once warned me of the dangers of self-degradation. I don't ever remember hearing you use words like "enormous." Careful Pauline, that is not a road you need to go back down.

You were always a beautiful person Pauline. Don't let the feelings from the past diminish your amazing transformation. Go to your reunion as the confident beautiful person you are.

Just my two cents.
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Old 04-03-2008, 04:51 AM   #478
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Thank you Alex! I was enormous back then though - no value judgement placed on it. Most people would say I am thinner than the average woman my age now. I guess it is just very hard having been big my entire life. At the beginning of losing this weight - like 4 years ago, i had a lot of confusion around other people's reactions, etc. and with time that all resolved itself as they became used to me and how I am no.

The upcoming reunion is going to make me relive all that and people will not get any kind of chance to re-connect with me in such a short space of time - that is the nerve-wracking thing for me. I will also have to answer questions yada yada and be on the spot for that short amount of time which i know will be very stressful. I hated all the attention 4 years ago and just do not look forward to getting it all over again - becasue as you say, I AM the same person as I was for all those years I was morbidly obese ...
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Old 04-03-2008, 06:41 AM   #479
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Oh, you know, I figured you had passed that a long time ago. I'm glad. As you know it is something I really struggle with, so I was concerned.

I understand your desire to avoid all the “yada-yada” and everything, but maybe you could just turn it around.

How about when they ask you how you did it, you say something like, “It was the all cake and ice cream diet.” Or the “Olive oil and Onions” diet.

I don’t know, it is one of those situations that will be difficult but will be great to show off a bit.

Yes, you are thinner than the average woman or person for that matter our age, so be proud and flaunt it.

It is 25 years for me this year as well. But my loser class probably won’t have a reunion. Of course, some of them probably won’t be able to get out of prison!

There are a few friends I’d like to see but other than that, I’m good with where I am in life now. I don’t need their approval.

I’m sure you don’t either. Do what ever makes you happy.
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Old 04-03-2008, 09:39 AM   #480
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Pauline,

I can understand the dilemma that you are going through. I understand the angst and the inferiority complex. (Gosh, another twin thing, I think )

With that being said, when I first saw that picture, I thought, "Wow! She is really pretty." Really, the thing that sticks out about that picture is not your size, but your incredible smile and how it lights up the whole picture. I don't think we ever really see ourselves as others see us. Most of my extended family are overweight. I never look at pictures and think about how much they weigh or how much of the picture they are taking up (that kind of punishment is saved for me). I look at them with love or I think about what a great time that was.

Also, all of your after pictures are wonderful and you have accomplished a tremendous thing, but what keeps me around and reading your posts is your kindness, your willingness to help, and your wisdom. There are plenty of people who have reached goal and are thinner than average, but the advice they dish out is not mete out with kindness. If you are in real life what your are here, I think people will be amazed by the transformation and will see that you "wear it well."

I understand about the questions.....My mom asked me the other day how much I had lost. I just cringed and said, "A lot." I know I post it here and am proud of it, but what does it really matter in real life? I resent the questions sometimes, too. I am the same person. Unfortunately, I have the same old hang ups I've always had, I just don't eat to try to fix them.

I think what Alex suggested was a good idea. Plan what you are going to say. Have your plan in place and use it. It has worked for you in other areas....

****
I don't know if you've checked my journal lately, but I posted some pics of our family's April Fool's hijinks.
******

I just wanted to add....big, big High school reuninions by their very nature are considered grueling.
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