The first day for the rest of my life ~ Niki's Journey

[love2live]

This will be the first day for the rest of my life.

The first day of finally coming to understand my eating disorder.

The first day of finally taking control of my life.

The first day of finally…

….respecting my mind.
….respecting my body.
….not allowing others to abuse me.

It’s time to take care of me.

Hello my on-line friends, my support through this journey.

I weigh 220lbs.
I’m 5’10”.
I’m 43.
I’m a SWF.

I’m a binge eater.
I binge when I deprive myself of food.
I have learned that while binging I have that I don’t care attitude.
That I don’t care attitude stems from the overwhelming obstacles in everyday life.

My goal is to get to a healthy weight. In order to do that I must have a healthy state of mind.

What is my healthy weight? I don’t know. But I have a pretty good idea.

17 years ago I weighed 170 and I felt and looked wonderful.
26 years ago I weighed 145 and I felt and looked wonderful.

That’s a 30# difference and many years ago.

I tried setting a goal of Onederland and almost made it last June. I am going to set smaller / achievable goals both weight and personal:

Weight Goal #1: 209lbs
Weight Goal #2: 199lbs
Weight Goal #3: 189lbs
Weight Goal #4: 179lbs
Weight Goal #5: 169lbs
Weight Goal #6: 159lbs

Personal Goal: Happiness
Personal Goal: Peacefulness
Personal Goal: No Binging
Personal Goal: No Purging
Personal Goal: Drink Water Daily
Personal Goal: Stop Using Artificial Sweeteners
Personal Goal: Get Plenty of Sleep
Personal Goal: Start Respecting Myself

Now this last Personal Goal is somewhat difficult for me to understand. Start Respecting Myself. I know that I allow others to both emotionally and verbally abuse me. I have come to figure out that I am the one who need to change my behavior so that no one will ever hurt me again. I have a tiny grasp on what is needed. Self-Esteem! I believe when I have mastered this last goal, or at least on the road to “Start Respecting Myself”, all other goals will fall into place.

Throughout this process, posting to my journal, I will achieve my goals that I have set for myself.

January 7, 2006, 7:19pm Saturday night, I am starting induction.

[love2live]

Good Morning to all.

Ah, Day 1.

So far so good but I've only been up and hour or so. I made a pot of coffee and had a cup with SF Cookie Dough Syrup & Cream.

My first "mini" goal is to be completely cheat free for 7 days. This means to stay under 20g of carbs per day.

[Bobby]

Hang in there love2live! You can do this, and you deserve it as you well know

[azjacque]

Welcome and good luck! You've found a great support system here!

[love2live]

Hi Bobby and Jacque. And thanks for your support.

I'm on my second cup of coffee. By-passing the box of Cinnabons that are right by the coffee pot! Oh my!

They don't bother me because I'm not in that "I don't care" frame of mind.

Boy, there really is a part of Niki that is so strong and controlling. That part will block out any thoughts of just saying "no" to the rolls.

Do I have some sort of brain freeze, black out or what when I make the dicision to say what the heck?

I hate feeling guilty afterwards.
I hate purging.
I hate.

I must find a mechanism or trigger to do what's right.
I must find out what leads me towards "bad" eating decisions.

[Valentine Baby]

Originally Posted by love2live

My first "mini" goal is to be completely cheat free for 7 days. This means to stay under 20g of carbs per day.

Wow! This is the exact thing I did in the beginning exept I kept it a secret and I wanted to make it 14 days cheat free on induction. I started last November and today is my very 1st time of being cheat free for a whole 14 days! I don't want to toot my horn to loudly tho because today is not over with.

[love2live]

Originally Posted by valentine21463

Wow! This is the exact thing I did in the beginning exept I kept it a secret and I wanted to make it 14 days cheat free on induction. I started last November and today is my very 1st time of being cheat free for a whole 14 days! I don't want to toot my horn to loudly tho because today is not over with.

Hi Val,
I just read your journal. What an inspiration you are to me. Congratulations on 13.9999 days of cheat free. I can't wait to congratulate you on #14!
~N.

[love2live]

Good morning to all.

Well, I blew it last night with a Cinnabon and a glass of milk.

Where's my will power?

I was so bound and determined to eat that thing last night, it's almost as if I'm fighting internally.

And of course I won the fight.

But the wrong Niki won.

Humm...

Goal #1 again: to be cheat free for 7 days.

[love2live]

Finally! I made it through my first day of induction!

I just had to make sure that I kept the right types of foods around me.

I know that my portions are way out of control but I am foregoing that until I can get into ketosis.

Yesterday I ate:

2 scrambled eggs
2 sausage patties
2 cups coffee w/ cream and SF syrup
Chicken breast
2 C. brocolli
1 C. cauliflower
2 pork ribs
1 piece of roast beef
2 diet rootbeers
1 diet coke
couple sips of water

I've gotta work on my water intake.

[Valentine Baby]

Originally Posted by love2live

Good morning to all.

Well, I blew it last night with a Cinnabon and a glass of milk.

Where's my will power?

I was so bound and determined to eat that thing last night, it's almost as if I'm fighting internally.

And of course I won the fight.

But the wrong Niki won.

Humm...

Goal #1 again: to be cheat free for 7 days.

Don't worry...Just get right back on track immediately and it won't be too bad. I can't tell you how many times I've cheated since starting this WOE and still maintained. You'll get to a point where you're going to be tired of maintaining. (at least I did) Practice makes perfect.

[love2live]

2 days of cheat free!

I cannot believe that I lost 2.1 pounds since yesterday morning.

I didn't cheat, but I ate!

breakfast:
2 pieces of roast beef
1 pork rib
2 scrambled eggs
2 sausage patties
2 cups of coffee with cream
1 diet coke

lunch:
3 egg chicken omlette
2 cups of coffee with cream
2 diet cherry pepsis

dinner:
take a look at this!!
We went to a buffet for dinner!
salad with taco meat, salsa, cheese and sour cream
2 pieces of broiled fish with tarter sauce
2 fried chicken theigs
1/2 cup water (I know, I know)
mushrooms

I'm not worried about portion control at the moment. Waiting for Ketosis to kick in.

I will have to force down some water today. Yuk!

[love2live]

Hello again.

Okay, here we go.

Yesterday morning:
2 eggs scrambled
2 sausage patties
2 cups of coffee
1 diet cherry vanilla pepsi

lunch:
1 can of tuna w / mayo
1 steak

dinner:
chicken ceasar salad
2 diet cokes

~~~

Last night I noticed that I am going to the bathroom a lot. Up three times throughout the night.

I will test myself for ketosis when I get home today. 3 full days of eating less than 20g of carbs per day.

I feel really good. I cannot wait to see how I fell when I break the 200 mark.

[Valentine Baby]

You're doing great!

[love2live]

Another day behind me.

I do have a slight headache.
My stomach is growling this morning. I surprised at that!

Yesterday's Menu:
B:
1 egg, 2 sausages, 2 cups coffee, 1 diet coke

L:
steak, 1 Atkins Shake

snack:
pork rinds, diet cherry pepsi

D:
chicken breast
cauliflower

Hey and one bottle of water!

I haven't checked for Ketosis.

I feel better in my clothes.

[love2live]

Hey, I forgot that I had two SF jello's last night with 4 T. whipped cream!

I checked for Ketosis and it's a tiny bit light brownish pink. The strip, that is.

Yeah!