Journal of a Fat Addict

[roeluvsparis]

Fat Addict? That would be me. Everything that I love, I do to extreme excess. Eating? I love it. So I eat a lot. Doesn't matter whether I am happy or sad. I love food. The thing is this -- I'm an emotional eater. So when I am not feeling good about myself, I eat way too much. And these days, I am not feeling good about me. I don't feel good about anything right now.

I started on this journey in 2000, I discovered this board wearing a size 32. Last year, I was wearing size 18. Not too small, but not too big either. Yes, I was feeling sexy at size 18. I have a closet full of size 18 cute clothes. Can I wear them now? No, I can't. Why? I have gained ALL of my weight back and more. How did this happen? Why did it happen? How could I have allowed myself to go back to bad eating habits after feeling so good and so powerful for so long?

Life. Life got in the way. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. I hate my job. No, I don't hate my job. I love my job. I don't like a lot of people in my department. I hate my working hours. I hate that as a supervisor, I have to deal with whiners, people who don't take responsibility for their actions. I hate having to deal with a manager who knows less about my department than I do. I hate having to work crazy hours. I KNOW in order for me to have the life that I want, this job will have to go.

I hate that a lot of people in my family think I'm some sort superwoman. And, I really hate the fact that I have allowed them to think I am. I hate a lot of the choices I have made in my life. I hate that I did not take risks to really go after the career that I wanted.

Two days before Thanksgiving, I got a BIG dose of holiday blues. It was awful. I lost a beloved brother last year, the pain is still somewhat raw. Gawd knows I go to work, blend in with the woodword. Leave work, go home, open my apartment door, take off my clothes and jump into bed. I'm still living that routine everyday. My weekends? In bed, reading, watching Law and Order weekend marathons, bathroom runs, kitchen runs, dialing for delivery food orders, looking at my caller id to see who is bothering me.

My bedroom has become my own private sanctuary or prison. Probably more prison than anything. I say that because I know that I am hiding.

I have decided to start this journal because it's public here on this forum. I plan to come here and post often whether I'm feeling good or bad. If I don't make it here, it's because I don't have access to a computer.

At this very moment, for me, it's going to take more than taking it "day by day." Right now, it's more like "minute by minute." That's how I am surviving right now. I am that empty. I don't even think I'm running on fumes.

For the last two days, I have been praying constantly. If I'm thinking negatively about anything, I start to pray. If I'm feeling low, I pray. When it's time to get up from bed, I pray.

I have been trying to start induction for what seems like two months now. Monday, I bought lettuce to make a salad. And, I bought some ingredients to make my favorite dressing. Tuesday, I actually took some chicken breasts out of the freezer to thaw in the refrigerator. Progress. When I go home this morning, I will steam a bunch of broccoli and bake the chicken breast. If I have any energy left, I will make my salad dressing. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Friday morning, I start my induction.

Peace
roe

[Itwin]

Good Luck..if you did it before you can do it again.

[azjacque]

Good luck! YOU can do it!

[roeluvsparis]

Thanks for the encouragement Itwin and Jacque!

Peace
roe

[roeluvsparis]

It's Friday 2:16am and I'm at work. The work week is finally over.

Induction. Yes, I've started. I'm eating tunafish and boiled eggs today. I didn't have the energy to spend too much time in the kitchen yesterday morning. This Saturday or Sunday, I will make a batch of food for the week.

I believe that writing this journal is going to be a positive experience for me. When I left work yesterday morning, I felt somewhat better. I even turned on my car radio. I rarely listen to music when I'm in a funk.

I stopped at a drugstore on the way home, and, horrors of horrors, I smiled at a stranger. Progress. I realized after I smiled that, yes, I'm feeling better. A little better. Mostly, I don't even look at another person when I'm feeling low.

I plan on drinking a lot of water, which I'm not fond of doing, because I hate the "loo" runs. Oh, well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Don't you just hate how people look at you with pity once they have noticed that you have gained weight after losing a lot? I went up to the cafeteria yesterday before I left work to buy a diet coke. Most folk could not look me in the eye. I wanted to stand there and break out into song--

"don't cry for me Argentina"

Because, you know what? No matter how bad I'm feeling, no matter how much energy I don't have -- I'm gonna succeed at this weight loss thing -- come hell or high water

Something is definitely going on inside of me. I know that I'm changing from the inside out. I find that I don't want to tolerate anything in my life any longer. And that's a good thing.

I love quotes. One of my favorite quotes is by Charlie Chaplin. He said "nothing is permanent in this wicked world--not even your troubles." I KNOW he's right. . .

Peace

[azjacque]

Great job yesterday! I love the quote by Charlie Chaplin! I'm on day four of induction. I too hate drinking water. That doesn't sound natural, but I have to force it down (unless it's really hot, or I've been exercising!)
Anyways, have a great weekend!!!

[roeluvsparis]

Today is day 5 and I'm still on track. Even I can't believe it.

I'm eating very clean, very KISS-like. And, I'm getting energy!!! I am slowly, but surely, coming out of my self-imposed funk

I pan roasted some chicken legs yesterday. GAWD, it was good. I finally made my favorite lemon/olive oil dressing. I'm not using much of it though. I remember Kimmer saying "if the dressing is swimming at the bottom of the salad, you've probably used too much." I have found that to be so true

I've decided that I will weigh every two weeks for this first month, then after that, I will weigh only once a month. No, I am NOT a scale HO

My quote for today is:

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation -- Henry David Thoreau

That's what I have been doing for the last few months. Leading a life of "quiet" desperation. . .

but, I'm on the "upswing"

Peace

[roeluvsparis]

Day 6 3:18am

Ok, I admit it. . . {{sings song}} "I'm back in the saddle again. . ." AND it feels good. I'm sleeping better. I'm starting to feel much better.

I have to say every time I go through induction -- and I admit it has been many times -- I always fall in love with Dr. Atkins again. I love this WOE.

GAWD! Tonight I had a roasted chicken thigh, nice romaine salad with my favorite lemon/olive oil dressing AND I made a "slamming" cole slaw today, which I brought to work. My first meal of the day was absolutely scrumptious.

Next week, I'm having a "fish" week I'm going to sear me some tuna steaks, roast some salmon on my cedar plank board -- Yummy.

Last week, I was thinking "what a long, uphill battle." This week, I KNOW I'm can climb that ladder once again

[kmf1028]

Roe - good luck and back!!!!!! You can do it!!!!! You are sounding so positive compared to your first post and that is great!!!!!

[roeluvsparis]

Originally Posted by kmf1028

Roe - good luck and back!!!!!! You can do it!!!!! You are sounding so positive compared to your first post and that is great!!!!!

Yeah, that first post is morbid, but, you know what? This time around, i'm letting it "all hang out" On this journal, whatever I'm feeling, I'm posting -- it's rather cathartic in a way -- it's like how I feel going to work -- I don't bother, a lot of times, to wear a panty girdle to hide by big belly -- I'm FAT for GAWD's sake -- why try to hide it -- it's there -- I put it there -- I don't care who looks at it -- just like I don't care who reads this journal -- I'm exposed -- and right now -- it's working for me

And, you are right, it is GGGGGREAT! It's been so hard to jump back on this weight loss train, but I did it before and I can do it again.

Thanks ever so much for your encouragement!

Peace

[roeluvsparis]

Today is Thursday -- past "hump day" -- the weekend is approaching and my granddaughter's 5th birthday -- my beautiful granddaughter, Mikayla, is turning five -- she is ever so excited

Her mother is throwing her a "princess ball" -- how cute is that? They rented some club and they are going to do the "red carpet" for her little friends

I bought her the cutest pair of little heels and beautiful dress at Xmas -- she is going to wear them at her ball

I'm not anxious about being around a lot of good food and drink -- I will not be eating if it's NOT low carb -- PERIOD -- end of story -- I will, however, bring some Evian water and stand around looking, well, chic

there is this other "big" girl at work -- miss thing was so jealous when I lossed all the weight last year -- this morning she looked at me and smirked -- something she has been doing a lot since I regained the weight -- my only thought is "what is miss thing gonna do when I lose it all again while she is sitting on her behind doing absolutely nothing, but proclaiming to one and all "I'm a vegetarian" -- yeah, right -- and I'm the Pope's sister

She tells EVERYONE that she doesn't eat meat -- "it's gross" she says -- but she weighs over 300 lbs -- I. AM. NOT. EXAGGERATING. -- don't get me wrong -- it's not that I don't believe her -- but I just don't believe her -- I think she is a closet eater -- whenever we have department luncheons or anything dealing with food -- she eats the bare minimum and says "I'm just not hungry" -- girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend. . .

She made fun of me last year when I bought new clothes -- it was always "where did you buy that purse? from a vendor. Oh, I'm just kidding"
Every time she noticed something new on me, she would say "I'm not buying new clothes because I have so many Ralph Lauren suits at home" -- girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend. . .

AND I thought at the time -- ummmmm -- Ralph Lauren suits for 300+ lb women -- I must have missed that fashion show alert

She always made a lot of cracks about me eating low carb -- "Why don't you try vegetarianism" -- I told her that I was a vegetarian many years ago, and I never had a weight problem -- THAT statement shut her a$$ up

I did the Master Cleanser fast last year a couple of times -- boy oh boy -- she had a "field" day with that one -- and through it all -- I just kept going -- I ignored her comments -- never cussed her out -- just ignored her -- just like I did this morning when she smirked -- because at the time she smirked at me -- i was eating my last low carb meal of the day -- I'm back -- I'm feeling good -- BUT once I lose it and if she starts up with the wisecracks again -- I'm just may respond this time. . . and, well, maybe not

I'm still on my roasted chicken kick -- I did steam some grean beans today -- they were good

OK, gotta go make a "loo" run -- GAWD -- the things you gotta do to lose weight

Peace

[cdn_gal]

You are doing so awesome!!..... As for missy, I wouldn't say anything, why lower yourself to her level?..... You are better then that.... And I think once you hit goal, and she see's you, that will be better satisfaction then any words could ever do..... Most people find that when they put others down, it makes themselves feel better...... Let her laugh her fat ass off, you will be laughing in the end!!!..... KUTGW!!.........Lei

[Valentine Baby]

I just happen to come across your jounal today and read it. I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed reading it.

I really loved the story about Miss Thing. I have a few of those where I work but mostly I have to deal with the Food-Pushers.

KUTGW! I can't wait to see what you post next.

[roeluvsparis]

Originally Posted by cdn_gal

You are doing so awesome!!..... As for missy, I wouldn't say anything, why lower yourself to her level?..... You are better then that.... And I think once you hit goal, and she see's you, that will be better satisfaction then any words could ever do..... Most people find that when they put others down, it makes themselves feel better...... Let her laugh her fat ass off, you will be laughing in the end!!!..... KUTGW!!.........Lei

you're right, cdn_gal. . . I was raised to "look the other way" as a youngster. My Mom always preached to me to ignore people who "bate" you like that. Although, sometimes when I find myself faced with a situation like that, I wish that I could just say something wickedly funny. But, I never do. I normally just cuss 'em out behind their backs I've been known to draw a quick sketch on a piece of paper, right the person's name on it, place it on my bed, then I take a broom handle and beat the livin' crap out of the paper GAWD, it's such a release.

Thanks for visiting

Peace
roe

[roeluvsparis]

Originally Posted by valentine21463

I just happen to come across your jounal today and read it. I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed reading it.

I really loved the story about Miss Thing. I have a few of those where I work but mostly I have to deal with the Food-Pushers.

KUTGW! I can't wait to see what you post next.

Food pushers? They can be the worse, especially if it's a girlfriend I've often wondered why someone would push food on you when you have clearly stated that you are trying to lose weight; fellow co-workers are notorious at this.

I think folk around you try to push food on you because of fear, especially if they are overweight also. It's that fear of being left behind. It's fear of knowing that someone else is accomplishing something that you can't do and you don't want to see them do it, so sabotaging their efforts becomes commonplace.

Years ago, when I used to attend WW classes, they always told folk to prepare to lose those "fat" friends around you once you lose weight, because some people just can't take it. After you lose the weight, folk tend to not be happy for you. That's happened to me before, because, you see, I've lossed a lot of weight in my time

Peace
roe

[roeluvsparis]

OK -- its been one week and I wuz sittin' on the john very early this morning with my head hung low wishing that I did not have to go to work and I raised my head and, lo and behold, what do I see? the dreaded scale Do I dare? I mean, I don't really need to know how much I've lossed? Do I? Uhhhhhhhh, apparently I did, because I got up and stepped on my Tanita.

Eleven friggin' pounds!!! OK, OK! I know it's mostly water weight, but, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'll take it And, yes, it did give me more pep to my step walking out the door this morning at 12:30am

OK, one week down, about fifty million to go Who cares how long this will take?

I'm going to walk the red carpet at my granddaughter's ball. I decided against carrying the Evian water. I'm thinking Fuji. Yeah, Fuji, with the beautiful bottle. I drink that water because of the pretty bottle.

OK, I'm off for my three day weekend. GAWD, I love holidays!

My quote for today:

"Genius is nothing but continued attention" -- Helvetuis

OK, so if I give "continued attention" to this woe, I'll lose weight -- therefore, I'll be a genius

Peace
roe

[kmf1028]

WTG!!!!!!!!!

[Valentine Baby]

WooooHoooo! 11 lbs! That's Excellent!

[roeluvsparis]

It's Tuesday morning, early, 4:11am and I'm feeling surprisingly very good. Actually, this is the first time in a very, very, very long time that I have actually felt good about being at work.

I am approaching the end of induction. I'm excited. Induction. . . I can't believe that I finally started. GAWD! How many times I have said to myself "self, you need to reinduct." I would set a date to start; day would pass. But, here I am! Inducting

I had a wonderful weekend. I attended my granddaughter's ball. She was lovely. Everyone had fun. Mikayla had a blast. She is so beautiful. I will post some pics soon for my visitors.

I did NOT eat a thing. I did not even drink from my Fuji water bottle. I was NOT hungry. Period. I did not look at the food. Not even the cupcake tree! I am elated.

I ate so clean this weekend. I made a cake for someone at work. I did not lick the bowl. I did not want to lick the bowl. Progress. . .

Ok, so this week, I'm eating fish and seafood. I made a scumptious salmon salad this weekend. Yesterday, for dinner I seared a yellowfin tuna steak. Yummmmmmmmmmm.

I am eating very, very KISS-like during induction. And, I am also following some principles from Fat Flush. I learned during my Fat Flush phase, that you don't need to eat big portions of protein. I am only eating 8 ozs. of meat or fish a day. I am, however, eating a lot of veggies. I break my meals up into four or five mini meals. I am drinking a lot of water. Loo runs. . . But things are moving along. . .

I also learned from KISS and Fat Flush to eat very pure. Fresh veggies, use fresh herbs, use spices over salt.

Something else that I am doing, which is very new --> I actually chew my food. I used to gobble

I have a hankering for some type of Seafood Ginger Soup. Ok, gotta go and search some recipes

My quote for today:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."-- Mark Twain

Explore. Dream. Discover. . . I will, Mark. I really will.

Peace
roe

[Valentine Baby]

Excellent! YOu did good at the ball! I don't even know you personally and yet I'm so proud of you!

[roeluvsparis]

Originally Posted by valentine21463

Excellent! YOu did good at the ball! I don't even know you personally and yet I'm so proud of you!

Valentine

your comments made me teary-eyed this morning -- in a very good way -- you don 't know me, but, yet you are proud of moi -- now that is what made me teary-eyed -- because, somehow, I can sense through your words that you are sincere

God bless, Valentine

Oh, here's a pic of my granddaughter from the ball -- I will post more -- her mom sent this to me



Peace
roe

[Butternut]

Roe, your posts have been so encouraging and uplifting to me. You are doing so good. I am starting over. We can do this!
Thanks

[roeluvsparis]

Originally Posted by Butternut

Roe, your posts have been so encouraging and uplifting to me. You are doing so good. I am starting over. We can do this!
Thanks

YES!!!! Butternut, we can and WILL do this! Drop by anytime. Trust me, I know how hard it is to start over.



Peace
roe

[roeluvsparis]

It's Wednesday -- hump day

I did well yesterday, even though I was in a lot of pain. This weather that we are having in the DC metro area sucks - well, maybe not