Oh Valentine

[Valentine Baby]

Ok, I've decided to do my journaling here. It's easier to read and easier to follow and I can look back and add pics if I want to.

I'll start from day 1: Nov. 18th 2005
Start Weight: 180 lbs.
Goal Weight: 140 lbs. ?

A little about myself 1st: I'm married. I have 4 kids aging from 24-14 yr. I have a dog (chihuahua).

I have been fat since my 1st child at the age of 18.

As a kid I always thought I was fat. My family members always told me I was fat or I was going to get fat if I eat that. I couldn't eat anything without being told I was gonna get fat.

I looked at some old high school pics and I was by no means fat! I weighed 120 lbs! Where did they get I was fat? Why would they say these things to me. I firmly believe that because of the way I was treated when it came to food that I dieted myself fat.


This is me and my DH at a "Western Day's" work party. I was about 175-180 lbs. not really sure.

180/180/162 Ok,I'm going to go with the Atkin's plan.

Today is day number 1.

I'm only going to try to lose 10% of my body weight to start with. I don't want to overwhelm myself with losing from 180 to 130. So my goal for right now is 162.

Last night was horrible. I ate all day until I went to bed and everything I ate was easy food. That's why I decided to go with the Atkin's plan because it's suppose to cut the cravings for carbs and sugar. We'll see.

I made it through today with no cheats! Amazing! I felt satisfied with my meals! I hope it stays this easy for the rest of the time it takes me to lose this fat.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 19, 2005

Today is my 2nd day of Induction. Yesterday went very well. I'm happy with yesterday. It feels good to wake up in the morning and knowing I didn't cheat.

I am a slave to the scale...This is going to be very hard for me to not weigh for a week. But I'm gonna try real hard.

I went to the gym today and did the elliptical trainer for 40 mins. and also did some upper body weight training.

I'm a little concerned about tomorrow night. Me and my DH are going to the finals for the pro-bowling and I know there will be lots of drinks. I'm trying to figure out a plan so I won't have a beer with everyone else. I hope I can stay strong in this social function. I know I'll have to be strong and just say no. I'll have water.

Another cheat free day for me!

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 20, 2005

Today is day #3 on Induction.

We went to the PBS Bowling turnament today and everything went well! It wasn't that hard to say no to having a beer. Thank goodness. I really worried about that. It was very interesting to see what goes on when something is televised. I always wondered how they go all those people in a bowling ally. Well they don't. It was held at a big arena and 4 bowling lanes were set up for the pros. It was funny to see someone stand up with a big sign every once in a while that said, "Noise". The audience would then make a lot of noise and clap. Too funny. I really want to have a clean 2 week induction so I can honestly see where I stand with my metabolism. I almost broke down and got a bag of pork rinds and some beef sticks. I know they are carb free but I don't want any junk until I see where I stand with this.

My husband asked me if I wanted to try some wasabi peanuts and I turned him down. Not even one. I just knew that if I did it would be over for my 2 week clean induction. He fixed some yummy baked potatos for dinner but again I said, "No". I'm determined to finish these 2 weeks sqeaky clean. After that I'll know where I stand and can go from there.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 21, 2005

Day #4 on Induction.

For some reason I slept really good last night. So good that I'm up at 4:30am. Definatly not me. I don't feel bad or sleepy just awake. My goals today are to eat 20gms of carbs and to go to the gym. I'm really worried about going to work. I've been on vacation this past week and staying low carb was easy. I go back to work today and I work with a lot of elderly people who like to give me candy and chocolates. I hope I can be strong and either just say no or give them to someone else or even throw it away. I have to come up with a master plan on this one.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 22, 2005

Day #5 of Induction...

All went well yesterday at work all tho I did have a temptation stuck right in my face. My co-worker's birthday was yesterday and his wife made German Chocolate Cake. He asked if I wanted a piece and even pressured me after I said no.

Later in the night he came by me with a slice of cake and said,"Shut up! Eat it anyway! It's my Birthday!" I laughed and said, "I hate you". I took the cake and went into the ladies room and I smelled the cake and touched it. (I had to know all this) Then I threw it in the trash can. I returned to my desk and told him how yummy it was. So moist, and the frosting was so creamy. He was happy.

This is an ongoing problem for me at work. I'm always fighting off food pushers. But I'm proud of myself for being able to refuse the cake. I know it's because of doing Atkin's. My cravings have deminished so much from eating this way.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 23, 2005

Day #6 on Induction...

Last night I let myself get too hungry. After I ate dinner I felt I had a lot of gas on my stomach so I drank a selzer water and did a lot of burbing and felt better. Later on in the night my DD came home from her vacation and I felt the need to eat. I must have an emotional eating problem because I had a hard time fighting with not eating so I went to my bedroom and picked up my book and went to bed. I didn't cheat. I'm going to have to figure out some kind of snack to carry along with me when I'm running around town so that I don't get too hungry.

I get to go to work today and fight the food pushers.

Well, I made it through another day cheat free! I feel I'm doing pretty good at this way of eating. My weakness is when I come home from work. I want to eat, watch tv and relax. I want to break this habit as I usually go to bed afterwards and I'm not really hungry. It's just a bad habit I've always had. (I get home at 11:00pm)

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 24, 2005

Day #7 of Induction...

I don't have to worry too much about cheating today (Thanksgiving) because I have to work. I'm ok with it as it is very early in my weight loss program and if I were to be too tempted I just might cave in but Christmas is a different story as I'm off for that holiday.

I didn't go to the gym today as I feel we all need 1 day of rest from exercise. I picked Thursdays. I go to the Gym 6 days a week as of today I've been doing this for 4 weeks. Unlike most people I started exercising 1st and then decided to change my eating habits. I was exercising and seeing no weight loss at all. Now I'm seeing the scale move down. Tomorrow is my offical 1st weigh-in and I'm excited!

I thought about having some ham for dinner tonight but decided against it because of the sodium in it and I don't want to be retaining a lot of water for my 1st weigh-in.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 26, 2005

Yesterday started out great...Me and my DD got up early and hit the stores to buy Christmas gifts and then afterwards we decided to go out for dinner so we went to a buffet where they have a salad bar. I did great and stayed on program! We came home, wrapped our presents, and put up the Christmas tree, and the lights for our balcony. Then I went to the fridge and looked in...

There were 2 pieces of pie left over from Thanksgiving (By the way I didn't cheat then either) and I self talked myself into it. I ate those two pieces of pie! Then I reached for the carmel pop corn with nuts! Then don't forget the peanut butter sandwich! (Not one but two!) I felt like crap when I woke up this morning. I had to fight myself to go to the gym. I felt better after the gym and as the day went on. I realize we can't stay perfect all the time. So today I'm back on program and feeling much better. I hope this doesn't set me to far back on the scale.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 27, 2005


I've eaten my meals for the day and it looks like I may not be eating enough. My carbs are only up to 12. I'm starving! I had everything I'm suppose to have? I think? Ever since I cheated with the pie I have felt like crap. I'm sluggish and bloated feeling. Do I have to start all over with the Induction? Or can I just move forward?

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 29, 2005

I've done pretty good about getting back on program after the cheat on Saturday. I wasn't feeling very well today as I woke up with a headache so I didn't go to the gym. I feel better tonight as the headache finally went away so I plan on going to the gym tomorrow.

I'm really excited about my weight loss. I weighed today and it shows that I'm down to 174! I haven't seen that number in years! I hope I don't stall to soon as I will get discouraged and when I get discouraged I quit. I can deal with this way of eating. It's not that hard to do but I still get tempted sometimes with the carby foods but not very often. The only place I have to worry about is work because of all the food pushers I work with. They always have food and are passing treats around. They must think I'm weird when I say no.

[Valentine Baby]

Nov. 30, 2005

I felt pretty lousy yesterday but today I feel pretty good! I got my workout in and I'm still sticking to the program! It will be 3 weeks on induction this Friday. I blew the 2nd week with a couple pieces of left over pie calling my name after Thanksgiving. Funny how I made it through Thanksgiving Dinner but the next day I got weak.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 1, 2005

Last night was going great with my 20 grams of carbs until I got home from work about 11:00pm...I was craving something sweet real bad. So I took my heavy whipping cream and whipped it up into whipped cream and add a couple of packets of splenda to it mmmmmm it did the trick but it caused my carbs to go over the limit to 36 grams. Now I feel like I cheated. Today is my day off from work and I'm making Thursday's my day off from going to the gym too. That way I can get things done around the house and run errands and so on and so forth.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 11, 2005

One of the ladies I work with noticed today. She asked me if I was losing weight. That it looks like I am. She is the 1st person to say anything to me. I haven't told anyone about trying to lose weight.

Awsome! This makes me feel so good! It's only been 3 weeks since I started Atkins and excercising and someone has already noticed! WoooooooooHooooooooo! Granted I've only lost 5lbs. But so what. 5lbs is 5lbs gone forever.

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday (they are a tight size 12) and when I put them on they felt a little more comfortable than usual. This is a good sign. My hard work may be just starting to pay off.

I'm determined to stay cheat free through the holidays. My oldest son's 24th B-day is this coming Sat. and we are suppose to go to his place for a little party he's planned. I hope I don't cave with eating, drinking, or smoking.

I know it's going to be extra hard to stay on plan during the holidays but I have to realize there is always going to be something going on during the rest of the year too. There's always birthdays, anniversaies, get togethers, etc. These are times I'm going to have to worry about not cheating too. I know I'm not going to stay cheat free always but I just want to eat clean for now for that Colorado trip coming the 1st week in Feb.2006. I know I won't lose 50lbs before then but I'd like to get some of it off. I want to look nice for my husband. I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me like I am when he's with me.

I'm going to do my best not to set myself back again. It's taken 1 week since my last cheat to start losing again. So now that I know this hopefully I'll remember it when the time comes again for a craving. I have to really want this and do this. I'm tired of being fat. I want to lose this extra weight that I don't need. I have to stay on plan.

NO CHEATING!

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 12, 2005

I'm off from work today and I don't really feel like going to the gym today. For some reason my back is bothering me and I was having spasms yesterday. I think it may have to do with the sit-ups and crunches I've been doing. I think I'm going to go check out this "Callanetics" that everyone raves about.

I'm feeling pretty good this morning and I've got a lot to do here around the house. Whether it gets done or not is a different story.

I'm still pretty excited about the comment my co-worker made about me yesterday and it has made me more determined to stay on program.

I'm still a little worried about my oldest son's B-day party. Right now I feel like I can handle it but when it comes down to the nitty gritty I'm really not sure how I'm going to do. My track record for these kind of affairs is horrible.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 13, 2005

I didn't sleep well last night at all. My heart was beating harder than normal and it kept me awake most of the night plus my DH snored all night too which didn't help. When I did sleep it wasn't good and I had bad dreams. I kinda felt nervous like I'd had too much caffine. The only thing I had that was different in my diet today was some decaffinated manderine orange green tea before going to bed. Other than that I don't know why I felt so nervous. Actually I haven't slept well since I started doing atkins and stopped smoking. Maybe that has something to do with it. Oh well, I'm fine today.

I'm doing pretty good if I say so myself with this diet thing. I started to lose again after my slip last Sunday. It took me a whole week to start losing after that one night of eating crap. I now know that just 1 cheat can set me back 1 week. Not good. I've done great so far this week all tho I'm a little concerned with this weekend starting Thursday. I'm shopping for my oldest DS's B-day cake stuff and Christmas cookie stuff and I'm also going to be making Bailey Irish Cream to give out as gifts this year. I have to make sure that I eat my meals and have something legal to be able to grab if I get cravings. I'm going to make the 1st bottle of Baileys before I start making cookies on Thursday so my DD can be drinking it while helping me make cookies. I know she'll like that. I'm glad she's coming over to do this with me as I've missed her since she's moved out.

I have to say that I've been doing excellent with my working out. I've been pretty faithful with this. Even after my slip up last Sunday I kept going to the gym and I continued with atkins. I'm determined not to give up and that I can do this. Lot's of people do it so can I. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to lose the weight because there have been many times before where I'm doing great and then I sabbotage myself thinking that I lost a lb or two I can eat this tonite but I realize now that it doesn't work this way. I have to try to stay cheat free as long as possible between cheats. I know it's not human not to ever cheat so I expect it to happen once in a while. I just can't let it get out of hand and be something that happens every day.

I've been weighing everyday and I think that pretty soon I'm going to stop it for a while. I'm thinking of just measuring myself once a week and weighing maybe twice a month. I don't want to get too hung up on the scale.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 14, 2005

I'm a exited that I'm off from work for the next 4 days! WoooooHoooooo!

Last night when I came home from work I was hungry for something sweet. So I mixed 1oz of cream cheese with vanilla DaVinci SF syrup. Mmmmmm…It was almost like cheese cake and it was oh, so, gooood. I also ate a small piece of left over chicken. After that I figured I'd better get out of the kitchen so I made myself some herbal tea, sat down and relaxed a bit and listened to my DD gab on and on about her apartment she's fixin to move into. This sounds bad but I wish she'd hurry up and move…I really want that back bedroom to put my junk in. lol

Tomorrow is the start of my big test. I'm going to attempt to stay cheat free from Thursday - Sunday. I've got my first party to attend on Saturday where I know there will be a lot of drinking and smoking. I don't want to cheat with a drink because that will only get me started with not only food but with smoking too. I also want to stay smoke free as of today I'm 14 days smoke free.

Tomorrow (Thursday) me and my DD are going shopping for Cookie stuff, B-day cake stuff, and Bailey's Irish Cream stuff. I'm going to bake cookies and give them away for Christmas and I'm going to make Bailey's Irish cream and give a few bottles away as gifts.

It's going to be hard for me to taste my own cookies and taste the Bailey's so I'm hoping my DD can assist me in this department and be my food taster. I'm pretty confident that if I eat my meals before I start doing this that I will be ok but just in case I'm going to have something legal around that I can pop into my mouth just in case.

One of the girls I work with just asked me if I was feeling well? She said I looked tired. That may be true because since I started doing Atkins I have had all this energy and so much of it that I'm having trouble sleeping at night. Maybe I'll take something tonight to help me sleep better. That and my back has been aching again from my arthritis.

Around 3:30pm today at work I felt kinda tired and weak so I went ahead and ate some tuna salad which was suppose to be my dinner but oh well I'll just have to find something else from the vending machine in the protein department. After eating the tuna I still felt a little hungry. I don't think I ate enough at lunch time. If I remember correctly at breakfast when I was done eating my usual egg omlet I still felt hungry afterwards. I don't know why I've been so hungry today? Maybe it's because I'm tired.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 17, 2005

I feel like total crap today...I started making Christmas cookies 2 days ago and was tasting them and also I had too much wine to drink. I ate a few more cookies yesterday. I feel like I'm hung over. I'm tired, cranky, puffy, nervous, no appetite, lazy, and just plain BLAH!

I'm getting back on track today and I'm going to be drinking a lot of water to flush this stuff out of my system. I can't wait to feel good again.

This really makes me think about all those years of feeling like this. I use to think I had an anxiety and depression problem. Now I wonder if it was just the foods I was eating.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 19, 2005

I did a great job at my Son's B-day party. I didn't drink or eat any of the alcohol or carby junk or anything for that matter. I ate my dinner before I even went over there. I drank Seltzer water the whole night and made many trips to the john. I think I was the only one that didn't wake up hung over the next day from it. My husband was miserable. Hahaha. I still feel kind of Blah from my Thursday cheat. Or maybe I have a little bug or something.

I'm thinking I'm just tired because I haven't slept well in weeks. I keep saying I'm going to take something to help me sleep but I never do because I don't have trouble going to sleep I have trouble staying asleep. I feel like I'm tossing and turning and waking up every couple of hours. You'd think I'd just wear myself down by now and just sleep. For the past few days I've been so tired. I've got to start sleeping good again. I don't think it's Atkins. I think it's from quitting smoking. The last time I tried to quit smoking I didn't sleep good at all so maybe that's what's really wrong. I'm doing great with not smoking. Better than I've ever done before and I think it's due to Atkins diet because If I can say no to carbs and sweets why can't I say no to cigs. Yeah!

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 21, 2005

After work last night me and my husband went to the 24hr Post office to get our gifts to his family in the mail. The only way for them to arrive before Christmas was to send them Express and that cost $50.00. I figured, oh well so they will be late. They are adults and should understand. NOT! He started paying the $50.00! I was floored! We don't have the money to do this! I still haven't sent my Son in FL anything yet because we really don't have the money to do it right now so I was going to wait until after Christmas to get him something and send it. Besides, I didn't want to stand in that long line anyway. I can't beleive he did that! I'm so pi$$ed off at him and he knows it! I've learned something about him last night...He doesn't care about anything as long as his @%@!# is done! Well he's got another thing coming next year! I'm taking care of what I need to do 1st and to he!! with him. The kids come 1st in my book! For $50.00 he could have gotten something else for his kid! I will be making sure that my family is taken care of 1st next year. I'm not worrying about his at all. MINE 1st! Then I may consider his. I'm so ticked about this! It was all I could do not to eat a tin full of cookies!

Ok, I think I'm over it now that I've had time to stew. I can't tell you how close I was to eating because of my emotions but I got thru it. It's really weird how all of a sudden you want to eat sweet stuff. I even went to make myself a cup of hot tea and decided against it because I didn't want to go into the kitchen at all. So I just went to bed mad. It's really funny how people swallow their emotions. I was feeling angry and I didn't like how that felt but I felt it instead of swallowing it. I'm kind of proud of myself.

I tried on my ski pants today to see how much I needed to lose before I could wear them and they weren't too bad. They are ok until I bend over or sit down and then they get tight around the belly and butt area. So as it stands right now I'm still too big for them. I'm hoping to wear them on our Colorado trip coming up this Feb. These ski pants are what I'm going to go by instead of the scale for now. I'm dying to weigh because I know I'm losing. But I can't because it just makes me a freak. I can feel it in my clothes. It's been that TOM for me this past week so I've been feeling pretty bloated but today I think I lost a lot of water because I went potty a lot. I hope so. I'm hoping to lose the 5lbs in the 5lbs before Christmas Challenge.

I went to the gym today and I tried the Ab Roller thinking it would be better for my back than crunches alone but now my back is killing me. I feel like I've pulled muscles. I wish I could find an ab workout that didn't cause my back pain to flare up.

My co-worker brought me a piece of Fairy Food (Chocolate candy) at work tonight and I've never had it before so I did taste it. My taste was so small I'm not even going to consider it a cheat. It was sooo good that I wanted to eat the whole thing but I didn't. I just bit off a small taste. I don't believe I could ever buy that stuff and bring it to my home. Actually it wouldn't make it to my home that's how good it was. hahaha

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 22, 2005

I'm feeling down on myself today for some reason. I see everyone else losing massive amounts of weight but I don't see that happening with me. I've quit using the scale and I did measure this morning and I did lose 2 inches this week. I'm so impatient. I want this fat gone today! NOW! I want to see some major results. I'm still having trouble believing that you can lose weight by eating all these high fat foods but I'm gonna stick it out and see what happens. I do have to say I feel better mentally and physically. But weight wise I'm just not seeing it.

I'm really having a tough time with myself tonight. I want to eat. I know I'm not hungry but I've been mad at my husband for 2 days now because of the idiotic stunt he pulled the other night and it's eating at me still. I want to yell and scream at him! Tell him he's stupid! I could just hit him! I feel better about today than I did yesterday but it's still bothering me and it's making me want to eat something. ANYTHING! I'm doing my best not to eat because of emotions. I need to learn to feel my feelings and deal with them instead of swallowing them.

Well, I swallowed my feelings after all. I whipped up some cream cheese and whipped cream and sweetened it with Davici's SF vanilla syrup. I feel better. But now I feel like I've over eaten. Oh well, I'll do better tomorrow. At least I didn't eat cookies or cake. Hopefully it won't hurt things too bad.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 23, 2005

I'm feeling pretty great today! Last night was kinda not good for me tho. I was wanting to eat something sweet really bad so I kinda binged on whipped cream sweetened with SF DaVinci syrup. I know these are not concidered cheat foods but I still feel it was a cheat because I not only didn't have my emotions in check but I did over eat on my foods for the day. But hey, it's better than going full blast on carby junk and having the carb hang over today. I went to the gym this morning and got my workout in for the day.

I looked over the Induction rules again today and I think I've been eating more carbs than I'm suppose to so I've tweaked it a little more and used measuring cups and spoons so I could get an accurate measurment of my foods. This will also permit me to jounal my foods more accurately and I will be able to see exactly how I'm doing instead of just guessing.

I can't believe I'm still not smoking. I'm so proud of myself! I'm not even worried about Christmas as far as being tempted to smoke. But I am worried about cheating as I will have lots of goodies all around me on that day. I'm just going to have to do my best and if I do partake I can't allow myself to over indulge. I don't want to eat anything to the point of stuffing myself. I'm not going to drink alcohol as this always makes it easy for me to cheat. This is going to be a very different Christmas for me. I will be the only one there not drinking and gorging myself. That's ok because I will be the only one that will feel great the next morning too. Hahaha

I think I might weigh myself tonight but I'm so nervous because I ate a little too much last night. I'm also nervous about not losing because of my quitting smoking. I know when you quit smoking it causes your metabolism to slow up temporarily so I don't want to get too concerned if I'm not losing but I don't want to gain either. I don't think I've gained because my clothes feel more comfortable. I just don't want to get discourgaged if I didn't lose.

OMG!!!! I've lost 10 lbs.! OMG!!!! I can't believe it!!!!! I'm going to cry...

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 24, 2005

I had such a back ache last night so between that and my DH snoring loudly I didn't get much sleep last night. So I'm kinda tired today. I did real good yesterday. I was very encouraged by my loss. I'm determined to remain cheat free through the holidays as to whether or not I do it is a different story but I'll do my best. I do have a plan.

I was disappointed in my DH's reaction when I told him about my loss. He acted like it was no big deal or so what. That's ok. This is not about him. This is about me. Yeah! I'm gonna rock at this!

Tomorrow is Christmas so I won't come here or to the LCF boards as I'm the one that's cooking for the family. That's a good thing because I can make lo carb stuff. I just hope the family doesn't mind. If not they can go somewhere else and eat. Less mess for me. hahaha

I'm kind of depressed today. I get to spend yet another Christmas without my youngest Son. I haven't seen him in 4 years. I miss him so much. I wish I could afford to fly down to see him. I know this Christmas is going to be hard for him because this will be his 1st Christmas without his Dad. I know what it's like to lose your Father and then try to be happy for the holidays. It's hard. I know it was for me. I can only hope and pray that he'll be ok.

I'm still excited about the fact that I lost 10lbs! I actually told one of my co-workers today about it. She told me she was proud of me because I've been working so hard at it and turning all those goodies down. I just hope I can keep losing. If I could lose 10lbs a month I'd be at goal in no time. But I doubt that's the way it works because I hear the closer you get to goal the slower the pounds fall off.


This is me at work. After my 10 lb. loss. wooooohooooo! You can see I'm tired from DH snoring all night. I've got to get some sleep.

Tomorrow is Christmas and I probably won't come here to journal I'm celebrating Christmas by not having to Journal and still stay cheat free. I was just tempted by some home made chocolates OMG! I almost talked myself into just this once it's Christmas. I need to stop the negative thoughts that will sabatage my hard work. I shared the chocolates with my co-workers and then I put them in the closet where they are out of mind out of sight and I chewed a piece of SF gum. And then I came here. I think I'm going to be ok now. I don't know where that came from. It must have been the smell of them. Now I'm worried about tomorrow. Am I going to compromise? I don't want to. I have to really want this to stay cheat free. It's not worth it. I want to look good for our Colorado trip. I want to be able to fit into my ski pants comfortably. Maybe I'll take my ski pants out of the closet and hang them where I can see them tomorrow to remind me to stay cheat free. I think I'll do that.

But then again even if I do cheat it's not the end of the world is it? No. I would just jump back on the bandwagon and keep going. But I'd rather not live with the extra pounds that I'm going to have to worry about losing. I wish I could be strong like Allycat. She seems to be so tough and strong with her convictions. I have to realize that Christmas is not about the food it's about spending time with the people I love. I don't need to eat to spend time with them. I don't need to drink or smoke to spend time with them. God please help me?

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 26, 2005

Hope everyones Christmas was a happy one!

I wasn't going to cheat but I did. But I didn't cheat too badly. I only had a taste here and a taste there. I didn't over eat at all. I actually couldn't even finish the plate I had for dinner.

My oldest DS ticked me off tho. I think he had a little too much to drink before dinner. We all wanted to listen to nice Christmas music while visiting and cooking and he flipped on some rock music without caring if anyone else wanted to listen to it. I went and just turned it down some because it was way too loud. He went back and turned it back up. While eating dinner he was taking over the whole conversation and saying the "F" word after every other word. I got very annoyed and told him to stop it. He kept on and on and I got up from the table and said, "That's it! I'm done!" He asked, "Why?". I said, "Because I F-ing lost my appetite!". My DS then took his plate to the kitchen and said, "I'm otta here."

So anyways, he left and I was embarrassed but we all got over it pretty fast. I think my DS was just looking to party and wanting everyone else to want to just get drunk with him. We were not there to just get drunk. We were there to enjoy each others company for Christmas. Isn't that what the holidays are for? I feel bad because this happened on Christmas in front of the whole family and I'm sorry if I embarassed him but I don't think he's sorry he embarrassed me. That's ok. If he want to be ugly then that's just fine with me. I won't be answering any phone calls from him today if he calls because I need a cooling off period from him.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 27, 2005

Today is my 1st day back to the gym since Christmas. I didn't go yesterday because I was just too tired from all the carbs I ate for Christmas. I didn't suffer too bad but I kinda felt like I was in a fog most of the day. But today I feel like I'm back and clear headed again. And ready to get back to LCing!

I haven't heard from my DS in a couple of days so he must still be mad at me. I really am not caring. I did feel bad before but now I don't really care. He didn't care that he was being rude and obnoxious at Christmas dinner so why should I care that he's mad at me for saying something? Nobody else was going to say anything to him until I did.

So anyways…Today is going pretty good for me. I went to the gym and put my hour in for the day. I did arms on the weights. I ordered the Callanetics video and I can't wait to get it. I've tried everything for my abs and any ab exercise I do makes my back pain flare up. I've even used the Ball and the Ab Roller and these make it hurt too. I'm hoping Callanetics is back friendly like it says it is. I'm so desparate to get my abs in shape because I have such a bad back and I know that if you get your abs strong they will help support your back.

Just got back from my supper break and I think I'm getting back into ketosis because I wasn't all that hungry and I couldn't eat everything or even close to everything. That's a good thing.

WOW! I just had such a craving! There are some mixed nuts here at work that are coated in chocolate and caramel. Oooooooo I want some bad! I'm not going to cave. I'm not going to cave.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 28, 2005

Today I'm feeling pretty good. My head is clear. I'm not having any real cravings. I'm in a pretty up-beat mood. The good thing about Lcing I've noticed is that my moods really have leveled out. I don't feel that frustration and anxiety that I use to feel most of the time. I love the way I feel now. I wish I'd have done this sooner. I've decided to weigh-in this Friday after all. I was going to wait for a couple of weeks but I figured I'd just get it over with and see where I stand. I'd be happy if I just maintained but I actually feel like I've lost again. My clothes are feeling loser than they were. I'm hoping so. After this weigh-in I'm only going to weigh every 2 weeks instead of every week. I want to stop this obsession with the scale and go mostly by how my clothes feel.

I just weighed and I'm still 170. That's great! I'm so glad because I really did badly at Christmas dinner. So, so far I'm maintaining.

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 29, 2005

I'm off work today and also today is my day off from working out. So I have to find something else to do with myself today. I remember a time when I dreaded going to the gym or working out. Now I hate the days I'm off. I want to workout now! I actually love it! Is this weird or what?

[Valentine Baby]

Dec. 31, 2005

Today I'm off from work. My gym is closed today and tomorrow so I'll have to find something else to do for this weekend in the line of excercise. Got a little headache this afternoon. Not real bad but there. My DS called me today. He must have gotten pleased. I think he just wanted to show me his new car he got. I guess he went Christmas shopping for himself instead of shopping for anyone else. He didn't get anyone anything for Christmas. Not even a card. He never does. I think he's selfish because it's not like he can't afford it.

He asked me what I was doing for New Years Eve. I told him nothing. I'm not drinking. He said he might stop by with a girl he's been seeing lately. That's fine.

[Valentine Baby]

Jan. 2, 2006

I slept better last night. I took a sleep aid. I didn't sleep as hard as I thought I would but it was better than what I've been getting lately.

I didn't cheat at all yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good about that. I do still have problems with negative thinking but I'm doing better about that. I just tell myself I'm thinking negative and to stop it. I'm going to the gym this morning. It wasn't opened all weekend so I'm anxious to get going. I really miss working out now.

[Valentine Baby]

I was reading my horoscope in the paper and it said, " It's time to say your goodbyes and move on." This is so true. There are 2 people in my life that make me sad. My youngest DS and his Father. I haven't seen my DS in 4 years. He'll be 18 this year. When me and his Father got divorced he decided that he was going to live with his Father. (2000 miles away)

I'm glad he did. My DS lost his Father this year to lung cancer. He was only 44 yrs. That was one of the saddest days of my life. I never really stopped loving him.

Just feeling sad today. This is something I'm having trouble with lately. I'm sure it will get better as time goes by. But I do need to let go and move on with my life. I'm still alive. My DS is going to be alright. He has his Father's family with him. He still doesn't want to come live by me. And who can blame him. That's all he knows. I could never jerk him away from all he knows after this horrible thing has happened to him.

I do wish I could shake this sadness that overwhelms me at times. I have a lot to be thankful for.

[cdn_gal]

Ok, I've decided to do my journaling here. It's easier to read and easier to follow and I can look back and add pics if I want to.

[COLOR=Black]Ohhhhh thankyou..... I was starting to get dizzy from jumping back and forth to your fitday journal......This is much easier.... Sorry to hear your feeling a little down today, and yes, you have lots of things to be thankful for.... Try and focus on all the positive things, like how well your doing on your LC journey, and how great your gonna feel when you fit into your "tight jeans"...... Sounds like it is time to start focusing on just you....."You" are the most important, and "you" deserve to be the center of attention for once.... Had to pop in and say that, and I also wanna say how wonderful I think you are doing so far..... I think your showing alot of courage and strength, by putting "it all out there" for people to see..... And I also happen to think, "YOU ROCK"!!!!.... <going back to lurk now, sorry for rambling on>.........Lei[/COLOR]