Emily1965's journal

[emily1965]

Wow, got on the scale this morning and saw 250. Thought I was going to die on the spot. Only a year and a half ago I was in the 180's. Life has been sucking for a long time, but gaining 70 pounds just makes it suck even worse.

I'll be starting a new life this year and want the health and body to go with it.

My plan for today...

Coffee/cream
3 eggs, scrambled 2 slices bacon
Spam/mustard
Cornish game hen / salad
Cheese if I need snack

[joyfulgrrrl]

best of luck on your new start!

[emily1965]

My head hurts and it's been an emotional day, but I've stuck to plan. I just still can't believe what I've done to myself. But, I keep reminding myself how much worse I'll feel if I don't get a grip and how much better I'll feel if I do. I have to be honest with myself, though. I'm afraid to be normal. I'm afraid not to have any fat to hide behind. The thinner I get, the more naked I feel....and it scares me.

[emily1965]

I slept horribly last night and my head hurts.

Alex goes back to school today and I'm thrilled to be going back to work.

Food plan...

Coffee/cream
summer sausage/cheese
leftover roast/brocolli cauliflower
shrimp for snack if needed

[emily1965]

I've been a bottomless pit tonight, but it was all low carb. I'll be so glad when ketosis kicks in.

I need to make sure I eat breakfast from now on. I thnk I ended up eating so much tonight because I was so hungry when I got home.

I did do alot of cooking tonight, so I'll have stuff ready to go for the next few days. Made a batch of crack slaw and still have a carne asada sliced roast in the oven with green chilis and rotel tomatoes. I seasoned it really well last night, then tonight I browned each piece, tossed it all together and have had it in a sealed casserole dish at 350 for the last 4 hours. Should be falling apart by the time I take it out.

Stopped at the grocery store tonight and got some deli ham and some sharp cheddar so I can make myself an omelet in the morning. Already grated the cheese and chopped part of the ham so it'll be ready to go in the morning.

My head still hurts.

[emily1965]

I've made it through day 3.

So much for my well laid plans. I overslept theis morning and ended up rushed. I did go ahead and take the time to scramble the eggs, ham and cheese together and ate them after I got to work.

Was pretty snacky tonight, but not nearly as bad as last night.

I ate a little of my carne asada and was quite disappointed. It was way salty. I didn't put any salt in it, so it must have been the carne asada seasoning I bought.

I thought the crack slaw turned out dry, but I ate a small bowl of it.

[emily1965]

Day 4 of clean eating. I seem to be eating less and less everyday, so that's a good thing.

I did have my omelet this morning and a small lunch at work and I think that helps with my night time eating.

Made more crack slaw using that carne asada meat....the brocolli slaw countered all that salt and it's really yummy. At least now it won't go to waste.

[emily1965]

Five days down. Getting easier every day. Actually decided to pee on a stick, just for kicks and the darned things won't turn pink. Might be beacuse they are over a year old. I'm too tight to go out and buy more, but it's fun to watch them turn.

Went to Trader Joes yesterday. Bought some almond butter, LaTortilla Tortillas and a container of greek yogurt. All things I'll have to be very careful with. I'd like to sit down and eat about 1/2 the jar of almond butter with a spoon.

I'm not hungry and I'm not going to eat today until I ge thungry. Might have some bacon and eggs later. I still have leftover crack slaw that I'll have for dinner. Will be making spaghetti for Rick and Alex.

[Valentine Baby]

Originally Posted by emily1965

My head hurts and it's been an emotional day, but I've stuck to plan. I just still can't believe what I've done to myself. But, I keep reminding myself how much worse I'll feel if I don't get a grip and how much better I'll feel if I do. I have to be honest with myself, though. I'm afraid to be normal. I'm afraid not to have any fat to hide behind. The thinner I get, the more naked I feel....and it scares me.

This is the way a lot of us feel including myself. Sometimes when I'm thinking I really get scared. I just think about how everyone else is doing it and if they can do it so can I. And so can you. We deserve to be healty just like anyone else.

You're doing a great job at staying on plan! KUTGW!

[emily1965]

Had a very rough one last night. I had to battle the demons but I came out the winner I will be going along doing fine and suddenly, I'll have that urge to binge and it can get overwhelming. Last night I managed to fight it off, but it was tough. I feel even better today for having won, though.

I have no appetite and no plan for today.

[Valentine Baby]

Originally Posted by emily1965

Had a very rough one last night. I had to battle the demons but I came out the winner I will be going along doing fine and suddenly, I'll have that urge to binge and it can get overwhelming. Last night I managed to fight it off, but it was tough. I feel even better today for having won, though.

I have no appetite and no plan for today.

Way to go! You beat that demon last night!

Now...Make a plan. Even if you don't have an appetite.

[emily1965]

I've hada good day today. Managed to get out of teh house and have some "me" time this afternoon, which I was really needing. Ate well on plan today and had little appetite. Today was day 7. I bet I haven't eaten clean 7 days ina row for at leat 2 months now.

Debating on whether to weigh in the morning or if maybe I should give it another week. I can't remember when TOM is due. I was even thinking I should just wait till next TOM shows up and weigh when it's over. I would think I would have a decent loss to help keep me motivated if I do that. I'll see how I feel in the morning.

I've been eating on plan, but probably taking in too many calories. Now that ketosis has kicked in, it's time to start cutting back.

[emily1965]

WoooHooo!!! I made it througha whole week.

TOM arrived last night. How weird is that? I had no idea he was so close when I was talking about him last night. That could have had alot to do with the demons on Saturday night.

Still trying to decide my meal plan for today. It's really hard to plan ahead when I'm not hungry. Will probably just do bacon and eggs later, then a pork cutlet and leftover cauliflower for dinner. Need to go to the store this morning.

[emily1965]

Not real happy with today. I ate clean, but ended up doing quite a bit of nibbling tonight. I'll blame it on the fact that TOM keeps circling the block but doesn't want to actually stop at my house. Enough already.

[emily1965]

Had a better day yesterday. I ate hot wings and blue cheese dressing for dinner and was really full all evening, so didn't do the snacking thing. TOM made a full appearance, and suffered all day with all the cramps and leg pain. Today should be much better as far as that's concerned, and all period bloat should be gone by weigh in on Monday.

I think that when I run out of cheese, I won't buy any more. I've gone through a whole package of tortillas in less than a week, so I won't be buying any more of those, either.

I wish I knew how to give up my coffee with cream.

[Valentine Baby]

Originally Posted by emily1965

Not real happy with today. I ate clean, but ended up doing quite a bit of nibbling tonight. I'll blame it on the fact that TOM keeps circling the block but doesn't want to actually stop at my house. Enough already.

You may have snacked a little to much and that's ok because you didn't do it with illeagal foods. I get like this too during pre-TOM and I'm sure a lot of other women do to. YOu did good! KUTGW!

[kmf1028]

Congrats on staying on plan I can't wait to hear how well you are doing.....

[emily1965]

I seem to be doing better and better. I've now made it 10 cheat free days. I haven't made it that long in I don't know when.

Today I had bacon and eggs, pork cutlet and cauliflower and snacked on cheese and summer sausage a couple of times.

I keep thinking about all those size 16 clothes in my closet and wonder how I ended up back in a 22. When I passed this size up last time, I thought I was done with it forever. How does one lose over 150 pounds and just stop short 30 pounds from goal? Now here I am 100 pounds from goal again. I felt so good at 180, I don't know what was in my head. Those are the things I think about and the questions I ask myself when those urges to eat sugar and flour hit me. There are no real answers. The stress and depression took control for awhile. Time for me to take it back again.

[CarolinaRocker]

Congratulations of making it 10 days cheat free!!!! You can do this again....trust me. Its my second time around after getting 25 pounds from my goal the first time and quitting.

Success to you!!!!!!

[emily1965]

Whew! What a day! Glad this one is over. At least with having a busy day, it's hard to spend too much time eating. This is day 11 days on plan and probably one of my best so far. No grazing, not as much coffee with cream as I usually have.

Hope tomorrow is more relaxed.

Today I had...

bacon and eggs
summer sausage and cheese
hamburger patty and french style green beans
2 bites chicken salad

[emily1965]

Feels like it's gonna be a good day. Woke up this morning feeling smaller. I guess that means I've lost the TOM bloat. It should be safe to weigh come Monday.

It's nearly noon and I'm still not hungry. Later I'll have bacon and dinner will be steak adn leftover green beans.

It's day 12 and I feel like I have sooo much more control than I did 2 weeks ago. I've had the thought of cheating creep into my head several times over the last few days, but I've been able to beat it down instead of obsessing over it. That's a good feeeling.

[emily1965]

I was right, today was a pretty good day. I ate a little more than I had planned, but all legal and didn't binge on it. I had WAY less coffee and cream than I usually do, so I'm feeling really good about that. I seriously need to cut way, way back.

[emily1965]

So far, so good for today. Had sausage and eggs around noon and was just now a little hungry, so I mixed a pouch of tuna with a little mayo to hold me over till dinner later. Making piza for Rick and Alex, so it's wing night for me. I sure can't feel deprived when I'm eating hot wings. Been fairly good with my coffee habit so far today. I could have had less, but God knows there are days I have a heck of alot more.

Day 13 for me and anxiously waiting for my Monday morning weigh in.

[emily1965]

My days seem to be getting better and better. I've had coffee today (with cream), some sausage for breakfast and some chili soup with cheddar cheese for dinner...and that is all!

Can't wait for my weigh in tomorrow.

[emily1965]

Holy cow, I'm wanting some SF chocolate tonight. That stuff is never a problem for me. Don't think I've had any in at least 6 months. Wonder why I'm craving that crap. I don't have any in the house and I'm certainly too lazy to go out and get any, so I guess I'm safe.

[Valentine Baby]

Someone once told me that whenever you are craving carbs it's because your body is burning fat and wants easy fuel. I guess our bodies are lazy. hahaha

You're doing great!

[emily1965]

Weigh in results. 243.5 for a 6.5 pound loss.

Now here is where I'll start fighting the demons all day and where I often lose the battle. I've got to stay strong, though because I'll never lose this weight by binging. 6.5 is probably the least I have ever lost reinducting, and I was at 240 only a week before I was at 250, so I really thought I'd lose at least 10 pounds just due to water weight. I KNOW that 6.5 is a good loss. my brain knows that. But, the demons don't care what the brain knows, they argue their point anyway.

I know that there are adjustments I can and need to make. I know that if I didn't have nearly a cup of cream some days, I'd lose more. I have to remind myself that there ARE things I can do to make this work faster. I know that in the last 2 weeks, there have been plenty of times I over ate just to keep from binging. I also know that I ate stuff that was low carb, but not induction friendly. All those things are gone now and I won't beat myself up over having them to keep from binging.

I will remind myself constantly that the important thing is that I did not binge. That is far more important that numbers right now. 2 weeks binge free is the longest I've made it in over a year.

My plan now is to eat CLEAN for 2 weeks, with VERY limited cream, no LC wraps, no nuts, no greek yogurt.

Baby steps foward are much better than any steps backward.

I will not binge, I will not binge, I will not binge.

[CarolinaRocker]

Congrats on the 6.5 AND not binging .

You do whatever you have to do to make it I never went strictly by the book and I made it this far. It all starts in your head anyway.

ALL the changes you are making are changes for the better. Lots of success to you.