Time to be honest

[starbaby]

The real tears I shed now are for joy - but the tears before 2 days ago when I joined (btw I've lost 5# in 2 days - which means I've gone from 242 to 237#) are because I've robbed myself of so many things due to my shame in being morbidly obese. When I walked out of the hall of my high school in 1970
I as well as many others in our A Cappella choir cried our heads off because it was a special choir - we toured 7 countries singing and had become so close to each other. Time marched on and the friendships went their own way. For decades I would still play alot of the pieces we sang on my piano and tried to keep alive the memories of those beloved songs. In 1986 my dad died then my husband asked me for a divorce - I had ALWAYS had a knock-out figure.
I was always petite and obsessed with looking gorgeous both in clothes and physique...I had been a member of the Chicago Health Club for about 15 yrs.
So from 1986 to 1989 I went through the ugliest of custody battles (Cook/
Crook county is reknown for dragging everything out for yrs.) I had moved away with my 3 children 3 hrs. out of Chgo. but would have to drive every other wkend to meet him 1/2 way for the childrens wkend visitations...finally in 1989 after 3yrs of hell, the divorce was over - I couldn't fight financially anymore and my husband could - so I lost my oldest daughter but was able to keep the 2 youngest....it broke my heart - the day she left I put my head down on my picnic table and cried with the deepest grief I'd ever known for
over 3 hrs. I didn't pick up my head....I cry every time I think of it - even now in remembering that kind of suffering....then 3 months later my mother died....I have a tremendous story of how I was taken away from my birthparents at age 22 months, put into a hospital being treated as a well child for 1 YEAR, then thrown into a foster home, then consequently adopted - I'd always secretly been very insecure - I went to a parochial Lutheran school in grammar school whereby there were only 3 of us girls and 18 boys - needless to say that the other 2 girls were best friends, lived near each other and always had shut me out - it was very lonely all throughout grammar school - in high school I picked my head up and firmly decided that I was going to make TONS of friends....I did, I became very popular and as I stated, the choirs were my life....all my life the only thing I knew was that I was very musical in singing and in playing the piano - gifted...anyway, my
parents (I never knew my biological parents) in 1979 were going to move to Florida - my marriage was bad due to the Cruella DeVille mother-in-law I had endured since I had started going with my husband since I was 14 - you'd think I'd have seen the writing on the wall, but I was too ignorant to realize how disasterous marrying HER, not my husband would be!!! I begged my parents to not move away, as we had a tiny family and besides my kids, they were all I had....it made my parents finally open up and tell me (I always knew I was adopted at age 3-1/2) that I was not an "only child" but they had been made to promise me by the adoption agency that I was 1 of 7 or 8 children....to make a long story very short, I conducted a search and found out that I was 1 or 12 children - all separated through adoptions and foster homes - it took me 3 yrs. but I found every single one of them scattered throughout the U.S. This gave me such joy - better than any lottery ticket you could win....anyway, getting back to having lost my oldest daughter back in 1989, a mere 3 months later, my mother died - I found her in front of the Christmas tree in her chair with the phone in her hand the night before Christmas Eve with all the presents....like this wasn't bad enough, when the reading of her will was read by the executor, which was my cousin who was always jealous of me all my life, I learned that she had managed to fin-a-gal
(however you spell it) my mother taking advantage of her depression over having lost my dad in '86, to convince her to put all her money into a trust account splitting it 4 ways between me and my 3 kids - robbing me of my whole inheritance...my mother wanted to discuss her will with me, but I was so against even considering her to die, that I said, "you're not going to die, I don't want to even talk about it with you"....so, the will was never discussed.
What a dumb idiot I was....my parents were in their 40's when they adopted me at 3-1/2, so they were "old" parents in comparison to most other kids parents back then...when I found her dead, with all the loses in my life, I just couldn't cope...I started to drink beer every night after the kids would go to bed - I wouldn't get rip roaring drunk, but just enough to go to bed to just sleep....I would get up with a slight hang-over then someone suggested to eat something before you go to bed and you won't have a hang-over...so I started eating a full fledged meal before going to bed - it didn't take long to go from 103# to 190# within 2 yrs. (From 1990 to '92) Finally in 1997, I met my future husband online in a Christian chatroom. He lived in Indy and I in IL.
(I had moved in '89 out of Chicago - to follow my mother, as she had moved after my dad died to go to where her sister and this notorious cousin of mine lived)....I had loved my aunt and cousin very much all of my life, but after the will was read I realized what a number she had played on me and my mom...I learned that she had even drove my mom to have her will re-made
up by the banks lawyer - she worked at the same bank for 20 yrs. She knew what she was doing - oh it's a long ugly story - just want to get across the pain I'd gone through - causing me to emotionally break down and start drinking - I'm a nurse, and it never affected my work or my kids, as I stated it was after they'd go to bed, but as the years wore on and the wt. became a real issue, the only thing that could give me incentive to lose the wt. was to find a man to love me and give me back the joy I had once known after so many loses. I had refused to meet my future hubby for over 1 yr....he kept wanting to meet me but I kept putting it off, not confessing the real reason why I just couldn't meet him - I was too mortified over my body - but it was what I needed to get off my butt, get on a low-fat diet (not LC) and start walking 5 miles a day....I would pray to God everyday during the time I was walking - just talking to Him and begging Him to let me lose wt. in a healthy way and help me....He answered - I had lost over 70# in 7 months...I was in my 40's back then....and obviously you can see that I had stopped my drinking beer (I even hate beer with a passion oddly enough)....so we met and married then I started having trouble with my 2 younger children - even though we'd gone to church 3x a week for church and other activities for all throughout their life, they rebelled and turned to the wrong crowd - it broke my heart...my youngest son, who was 16 left and went to live with his dad - my oldest daughter was 7 yrs. older than the other 2, so she was already in college - so after my son went to move with his dad, his dad allowed him to drop out of school, and he'd never come for any visitation with me - then my middle daughter became a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde - one day I just didn't know her.
I suspected she was on drugs - sure enough....I was scared to death that she would die - as her best friend had in her Soph. yr. in H.S. My daughter
had completed her Jr. yr. when I packed everything up and told her that I was going to go up to Nothern Wi....and we were going to start a new life away from the kids she was hanging around with - I knew for a fact that one of the guys she'd hang with had been in PRISON....She agreed and we left...
We got there on a Saturday and on Sunday she begged me to let her go back to at least say "goodbye" to her friends....I must have been nuts, I said "okay, I love you so much" I hugged her and cried and watched her car go down the road until out of sight - I didn't see her for 4 full years...I learned that she'd been on HEROINE....UNBELIEVABLE!!!! How ignorant I was!!!! She had also dropped out of school (I had always been a good mother sitting with them every night making sure they had their homework done, helping them with it at times, always hugging and telling them that I loved them every single day many times a day). Needless to say that after my kids had left - my (new) husband was very sympathetic for me...but he allowed me to start drinking beer again...he never put his foot down or expressed disfavor over me doing this - he understood that I was turning to beer to cover up my griefs. So, left unrestrained to do what I wanted to do,
(btw, he doesn't drink at all) within the course of 2 yrs. I went from 125# up to 260# - I couldn't even hardly walk without stopping every 10 feet. I was destroying my life and health....like on a suicide mission....After the 4 yrs. and my children all adults, they came back into my life all grown up and drug free and realizing how much they need me and love me, they've been on a
crusage for me to try to help me help myself....every day calling me to beg me to lose wt.... A few years ago, one of the 2 girls from my grammar school found my address and started writing to me - she apologized for having treated me so cruel those 8 yrs. WE've become great friends, but she keeps asking me for a picture of myself - I wouldn't dream in a million years of giving
her a pic. of me....A loving neighbor in Chgo. died and I wouldn't dream of going back to my old loving neighborhood in a million years looking like I do...I don't even recognize myself in the mirror - I say - "who are you???" Then
a year ago I got an email from a friend from the A Cappella choir -stating that a choir reunion was going to be held at my high school and that our choir director who we all loved very much (he was the key person in my life to open the door to my music) and that I should be sure to be there. This old girl friend of mine kept writing and saying, "Oh I'm sure that you're still so tiny and petite and did I still have that incredibly high voice?"....It broke my heart because my pride got in the way, and I had to lie and tell her that I couldnt' make it....I cried and cried after I got her email explicitly describing how wonderful it was and all that I missed out on once again singing the same reknown songs we sang over in Europe. Then this last spring of '05, I got somemore emails from certain choir members, including a personal invitation from our choir director - who now is in his upper 70's and has Parkinsons...that we were going to have another reunion in Sept.'05....now it
really broke my heart and I just can't describe to you how I felt - since the day I had left the halls of my high school, I grieved for that choir - then when I could have had it back in my life for a day, not once but twice, I couldn't and wouldn't go - BECAUSE I DONT' WANT TO BE REMEMBERED AS A MORBIDLY OBESE BETTY AND BE GOSSIPPED ABOUT - and I know I would be because the change in me is so unbelievable - it would devastate me to be so humbled....After this last reunion, my friend has been emailing me - telling me how my old friends AND old boyfriend was there looking for me hoping I would attend - I thank the LORD I hadn't gone - now she's telling me that she's getting together with a bunch of other members and is pressing me to come some day....I wrote a letter 2 weeks ago to my old choir director - one week after he had had the reunion at his home, his wife wrote me back and said that he had just suffered a mini-stroke....In my letter I begged for him to consider having just one more reunion...his wife had said that if all would go well for him this coming year that "yes, we would love to have another one
and that I should just pick a date"....OH OH!!!!!!!! The ball is in my court now
and I am committed to LOSING THIS WT. I can't back out of this this time.
I MUST LOSE THIS WT. AND I MUST TAKE THE ONLY LAST CHANCE OF EVER BEING WITH MY OLD CHOIR DIRECTOR AND CHOIR MEMBERS - THERE WON'T BE ANOTHER!!! So my ultimate goal is to lose 80-100# within a year....I don't know if I can do it - or if it's even physically possible, but with the help of God, joining Curves, walking at my own turtle pace, and the blessed help of all you supportive people, I am praying for my life - God is using this choir thing for me to lose the wt....it has taken this reunion as an incentive - the one I needed - the bomb put under my butt to finally get this wt. off and getting busy in living - not dying!!
Love to you all - thank you!
(I will put down my menu later tonite)

[nuttymomof7]

You've been through so much more than I could ever imagine being able to handle. They say God never gives us more than we can handle, if this is true than you my dear are a very strong woman You can do this, we can do this together, we are all here for you!
Take Care and keep posting, love to read your journal(haven't started mine yet note to self 'start journal')

Tori

[Alcestis]

Starbaby, it was so courageous to write and share all of that with us - it must have been incredibly painful and yet a relief. Isn't it awful how much our weight dictates the decisions we make in life? There are some things, events, feelings that just cannot be changed. The past is the past, all we have is today to live in. I hope you're not beating yourself up as you think over these memories - it's so easy to do that when we relive the pain. Be kind to yourself. Don't focus too much on 100lbs in a year, or whatever. Just do what you can do TODAY, each day, one day at a time. That's how I'm trying to live (and eat) and I really have faith that I can do it. I believe that you can too.