Catmaiden's Journal

[catmaiden]

I have recently concluded that I am an emotional eater, and I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with it.

A bit about my recent behavior: I started LC again on 1/11/05 at 254 (my highest ever).....I was absolutely disgusted with what I had allowed myself to become. I had done LC before and managed to drop 18 or 20 pounds, but went off of it because I had zero willpower. This time DH is doing it with me, which is great because we keep each other accountable....most of the time. I really admire him, he is strong and refuses to cheat. Me on the other hand....it began one stressful day at work, that just happened to be the one day each month that they bring in a double layer, strawberry jam-filled, incredibly yummy birthday cake for everyone's birthday. I deserved a piece, right? My day had been so stressful! It was small, after all. A few weeks after that, it was DH's birthday....so we went out for a planned cheat, which does not usually bother me. The next meal I was right back on LC. Then a couple weeks later it was our anniversary...more (small) cheats....but again I was right back on LC. Then I began to drink "fizzy" fruit flavored water (sweetened w/aspartame) instead of regular water, etc. etc. Then the other night I got turned down for a job...without even an interview...so I figured I deserved 2 LC hamburger buns, along with a quarter of a bag of potato chips....because I was depressed and felt like such a loser. Only a moment of clarity stopped me from paying 3.00 for 4 sugar free blueberry muffins at the store a couple of days ago. As it that weren't bad enough, I've started bringing DH fruit salad from the store, because he misses fruit! And of course, he eats it. That really makes me feel horrible....I just now realized what I've been doing!

I have lost 35 pounds since January...I have 79 more to go until goal. I can do this. I will not succomb to emotional sabotage. Today I have been drinking regular ol' water....I have had two cups of tea and will probably have another one, but I'm going to work on things one step at a time.

Today's menu (pretty good, considering)
B: 2 pieces of Swiss cheese, 1 piece of string cheese, about 3 thin-to med-slices of rotisserie turkey breast, and about 20 dry roasted peanuts, along w/a cup of tea.

L: lc tortilla with mayo, 2 slices of bacon, a piece of green leaf lettuce, and 2 thin slices of tomato.

Snack: cup of tea with a splash of cream and a few drops of liquid sweetener.

D: will be a big green salad, and an omelet with sausage, bacon pieces, and shredded cheese. Probably another cup of tea later.

I'm not concentrating on calories yet since I haven't really had to...just carbs right now.

What I'm more concerned about is getting a grip on this self-destructive behavior!! If I can do that, I think everything else will fall into place. My next big hurdle is my birthday later this month. I can do this!

[catmaiden]

Doing great today....just have to take it one minute at a time. I weighed after I got home from work, just out of curiosity. I weighed 220 when I got up this morning.....and after I'd had breakfast and lunch and chugged water and tea all day, I weighed 218 at 5:00! I was thrilled! Of course we'll have to see what morning brings. I was astonished when, two weeks or so ago (about the time I began the little cheats here & there, coincidentally) I arose one morning to find I'd gained 3 lbs. overnight! I've been fighting with them ever since and hope to be at my low of 217 once again tomorrow.

Here's today's food so far:

B: 2 eggs, 1 T. bacon pieces, 2 brown & serve sausage links, about 1/2 of 1/4 cup of shredded cheese, and a splash of cream.....ice water and hot tea w/cream & sweetener.

S: none (water)

L: salad w/green leaf lettuce, 1/4 c. shredded cheese, 1 med. slice of tomato, 1 small slice of onion, just a sprinkling of sunflower kernels, and dressing (oil, vinegar, onion, salt, pepper, celery salt, mustard, and Splenda), and one container of aspartame-sweetened yogurt. Gotta work on the aspartame.

S: hot tea

D: beef vegetable soup (chuck roast, 12 oz. Diet Coke, water, 1 bag of mixed veggies and 2 cans same, and one pack of dried onion soup mix) and one LC tortilla, buttered. I had two bowls of this (but only the one tortilla), figured I'd sneak in some veggies. Those were just about the only carbs in the stuff & I figure I'd rather have carbs in veggie form than doughnut form...except for those sneaky lima beans. Didn't fill me up long though, so I'm drinking water and having another cup of tea. I WILL stay away from the sugar free peanut butter!!

Hopefully I can stay away from my once-weekly treat of popcorn tomorrow night while watching Sex & the City. I didn't think it had been bothering me, but who knows. I'd still been losing and showed in ketosis. Maybe I'll cut it down to once a month. It is the absolute last bit of junk food I have been eating regularly.....I do feel a bit virtuous about that, coming from someone who can inhale a pizza and family size bag of chips in her sleep and not even burp. My Dad used to say that I didn't eat something unless it had "Frito-Lay" stamped on it, and he was about right. Of course, after that usually came his "she has her clothes made by Omar the Tent-Maker" comments. Funny what sticks with you and makes us what we are. I'm not angry with him....I love my dad. Perhaps he was a bit misguided though.

I find it truly amazing now that I love my veggies and a meal doesn't feel complete without them. Roasted brussels sprouts are a particular favorite, as are broccoli and cauliflower fixed in any form. I've even eaten the odd rutabaga and jicama (which DH calls Yak-ima) here and there. Sometimes a good salad just hits the spot.

This entry is so long!! I tend to get long winded. I'll be wishing for good things tomorrow!

[catmaiden]

218!!! That was a wonderful sight greeting me this morning. I've done fairly well today....I still have to concentrate every minute to get that water in, but I'm doing better. This public accountability is really helping. Just the thought of posting "I ate a piece of cake" gives me the willies.

B: 1 Jimmy Dean ham and cheese omelet (5 net carbs? something like that); 4 slices Oscar Meyer heat n eat bacon; water; hot tea w/cream and sweetener. I don't like the preservatives in the omelets but they're so darn convenient!!

S: none

L: leftover beef veggie soup from last night; 1/2 container aspartame-sweetened yogurt.

S: (waiting for meat to thaw for supper) 1 string cheese, 1 hot dog, 2 thin slices Swiss cheese, a palm-ful of dry roasted peanuts. The soup didn't last very long. Sodium city!!

D: 1 med. pork chop fried, 1/2 small box of micro green bean casserole (I think about 7 net carbs or so), broccoli/cauli mix steamed, then sauteed in butter w/pepper and garlic salt. Dessert was about 4 spoonfuls of a concoction made of 8 oz. cream cheese, about 1/2 c. heavy cream whipped together w/2 t. sf peanut butter, a few drops of sweetener, and about 1/4-1/2 t. cocoa. Divine but very rich and filling. Killed ANY craving I may have had. I even stayed away from the popcorn tonight.

I know I was a little high on the carbs today but like I said, I'd rather get it from veggies than potato chips. TOM hit, so I will either be holding water or down again tomorrow. I've not had as many trips to the bathroom today so we will see. Fingers crossed.

[catmaiden]

My weight for the last three days: 220 (probably from salt on Tuesday), 217, 217!! I've been eating quite a bit, but I'm trying to eat more for breakfast & lunch and not as much for supper. Tonight is White Castle Hamburger Pie....I've had 2 pieces and a glass of water & I'm stuffed, but yet I have another piece here in front of me. I'm not going to eat it, but I guess I want the security of knowing it's there if I want it.

Today's food:
B: Jimmy Dean frozen 3-cheese omelet, 4 pieces heat & eat bacon, water, tea w/cream & sweetener.

S: Atkins bar *blush* I didn't need it, I just wanted to eat.

L: South Beach southwestern chicken wraps meal, 1 container of Lite 85 yogurt.

S: As if the morning wasn't bad enough, ANOTHER Atkins bar. My stomach was growling. Note to self: QUIT BUYING THESE!!

D: White Castle Hamburger Pie.

Could've been worse......I needed veggies, but will make up for it over the weekend as I usually have lots of salad then. Desperately hoping to see 216 this weekend for a 38 lb. loss!!!

[catmaiden]

216!!!! So happy! I think this journal has helped about as much as anything.

B: 2 pieces leftover White Castle Pie, water, 2 SF Reese's mini pnb cups. Can't have any more than that b/c of sugar alcohols, so lovin' that built-in portion control.

S: cup of tea w/cream & sweetener

L: not sure yet but deciding between a turkey & pepper jack cheese wrap w/lettuce, bacon, onion, & tomato......or a pepperoni pizza made w/carbdown flatbread from Wal-Mart. Depends on my mood, I guess. Will have a salad with whichever one I choose.

S: probably will not be needed, but will be cheese or a piece of turkey; maybe a few dry roasted peanuts. I definitely portion those cause I can eat a whole jar.

D:Probably Linda Sue's Italian casserole....or I could do deep dish pizza quiche. I love love love that stuff. I'll fry some cabbage to go along with it.

My husband is doing LC with me and he emailed me yesterday saying that he'd tried on a few blazers on a whim, which he had previously worn but could recently not get on, let alone buttoned. He's been bummed because he had a gastric bypass several years ago and did really well with it, but after he met me (I love to cook and bake) he's gained back probably 80 pounds or more. He has portion control problems--don't we all--and wants to eat constantly. He's taken up the skoal habit so he doesn't want to eat all the time. (I told him great, now he'll get mouth cancer instead of a heart attack) He swore he would never again be over 300 pounds, but he was. The last time he weighed (at Wal-Mart) he was I think at least 325....probably closer to 340. That was after we'd been LC'ing for about 3 months. He still cannot weigh on our scale here at home because it only goes to 300....but yesterday he was able to get his blazers on and buttoned. I don't know how comfortable they were but it made him see that he IS losing, whether he thinks he is or not. He gets very impatient.....I told him that he gained it over the course of 3 years, and it's not gonna come off overnight.

He hasn't been able to exercise because of back pain, but we're getting that straightened out and he said last night that he wants a bicycle so we can ride together. I have no physical problems and lots of exercise videos, but I'm just lazy. I wish I could look forward to exercise and get excited about it, but I would rather read a book. That'll be my next goal, after I get my goal of water drinking under control. I fight every day to drink enough water....but it's coming along nicely. One step at a time!!

[catmaiden]

217....I expected that because I ate pretty late last night....after 8:00....and it was a pepperoni pizza made w/the flatbread. It was good, but the pepperoni probably has me holding water in spite of the 3 or 4 mugs of water I drank along with it. At least I'm not going up, up, up.

B: omelet w/2 eggs, 2 brown & serve links, bacon pieces, cheddar cheese, and a few diced onions. Water. Cup of tea w/cream & sweetener.

S: Popcorn *blush* I stayed out of it all week. I will stay out of it again. At least I had sense enough to eat it early in the day....

L: skipped (see popcorn above)

S: 2 pieces of cheese. Water.

D: piece of top sirloin steak grilled, grilled shark, and a salad w/cheese, onion, tomato, and a few sunflower seeds w/my dressing. Water.

34 today.....*sigh* I hate gettin' old.

[catmaiden]

216 today. Holdin' steady and hoping for a small loss tomorrow. I've been struggling this week for some reason. I think it may be because I don't cook enough at night for leftovers the next day. As a result, I've been having to stop and get a frozen dinner or some such for lunch every day. I ate out one day....was craving a cheeseburger....so we went to the drive-in. It looked so wonderful when I got it, that luscious large bacon cheeseburger with everything, did I remove the bun? No, I did not. I did, however, foist off most of the onion rings I also got , so I only ended up with about 4 teeny-to-medium size ones. I've been doing well on breakfast and decent on dinners, it's just lunch that has me troubled. GOTTA start taking lunch, even if it's an omelet cooked that morning.

We babysat the 3 year old on Friday night and all day yesterday....that was another struggle. I was smart enough to NOT buy french fries to go with the chicken nuggets (Breaded) I got. His favorite is chicken nuggets...from McDonalds...that pisses me off, but that's another entry....anyway, I refused to feed him that junk and refused to give McDonalds a penny of my $$, so I got the banquet kind, to bake...along with a one or two serving size can of corn and Dreamfields macaroni made with the Ragu cheese sauce (again, trying to be good....didn't make the Kraft kind....)anyway, after working all day, grocery shopping after work, coming home & cooking, I finally have dinner ready...sit his down in the cute little lion shaped plate only to get greeted with "Where's the fries?" I did, to my credit, manage to NOT flip out. But, he finally ate most of his dinner after being assured that he would not get any dessert (blueberry mini muffins , of which I had two....and two the next morning). The next day he did better....he had a bagel (16 carbs) with cream cheese & bacon for breakfast....only took about 5 bites....and some of my carefully hoarded stash of carb countdown orange pineapple juice. Later on he polished off the chicken nuggets along with half of a strawberry banana blue bunny yogurt, a piece of string cheese, and another bagel w/cream cheese...along with about a gallon of water. I was proud that I didn't resort to the ice cream, chip infested continuous junk-fest in front of childrens videos. Instead he was fishing most of the day with DH while I (thankfully, lol) had a Shelter Ops class at the Red Cross. It could have been healthier, but he is three and not really adventurous foodwise. I was just glad he liked the yogurt.

I'm collaborating on a family cookbook.....off to work on it.