starting over

m16rivera · 06-06-2009, 07:31 PM

hi all,
ive been away from some time dealing with some very depressing issues. my fiance passed away on december 14th. the week before that my dad was in the hospital then in february my mom was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. in the midst of that i got a new job thats very hectic. needless to say, the depression i have has manifested itself in eating. ive gained about 20 pounds and ive had major success with stillmans in the past. im starting up again tomorrow.
when i do stillmans i just do grilled chicken breast and eggs, water and homemade iced tea. i do a mile on the treadmill daily and do my ab rocket (yes that thing really works!)
i took a hard look at myself today and im not happy. im only 29 and i feel miserable. i cant keep living this way and i do not want to be 250 pounds again. im happy at my job although its very busy. im grateful my parents are ok and im trying to live with my fiances passing. i just know that if i dont get this under control now im going to make it worse, so ive decided to try and post here everyday with how i feel, what i ate, etc. im not going to weigh in until about next monday june 15th because its TOM now.
the way i feel now i dont want to go out, i dont want to try and enjoy things again because i feel horrible and dont want anyone to see me.
baby steps...im planning to go to south carolina in september so that is my motivation. im going there to spend some time with my fiances friends who have an annual cookout there.
i know my fiance would be very dissapointed if he where here and he saw how ive let myself slip. he always told me i was beautiful and sometimes i feel like i dont have anyone to feel good for. but i now know that i have to feel good for myself.
wish me luck and good luck to everyone else,
mel

dizzyizzy · 06-06-2009, 10:09 PM

Good luck Mel, and we are here to support you. Glad to have you here at the forum!!!

m16rivera · 06-07-2009, 04:27 PM

so my days coming to an end. just got off the treadmill and im getting on the abrocket as soon as im done with my iced tea. today was good. got some housework done, listened to the new u2 cd that ive been putting off, spent some time with mom. back to the busy office tomorrow.

so far ive had some grilled chicken breast and will have some more later. i got invited to a housewarming party next saturday that im thinking about going and to a concert on june 26th. hopefully ill feel well enough to get dressed up and enjoy the band. i find that when im home alone with too much time to think thats when i feel sorry for myself and eff up, so im going to try to keep company around, read a book or just exercise to keep my mind busy.

thanks for the well wishes izzy. good luck to you too.

i heard from my mom in law (thats what i call her cos to me she was already like one) today. she sent me a pic of a yellow rose bush and a pink rose bush she planted. the yellow one for tim and the pink ones for me. i must admit this sent me into a crying session and for a moment i thought i was going to screw up, but i got myself settled and trudged on.

goodnight all,
mel

LustfortheMoment · 06-07-2009, 10:26 PM

Quote:

but i now know that i have to feel good for myself.

................and for him as well. I don't know anything about afterlife, but I do feel that those we have cherished LIVE ON in our memories. He would want you to be healthy. He would want you to live a rich life. Taking care of yourself is a way of honoring him.........

Good Luck,

m16rivera · 06-08-2009, 06:50 PM

todays over for me. im going to get on the treadmill, do the abrocket then call it a night. all i had today was grilled chicken again with loads of water and homemade iced tea. didnt even have time to have some hard boiled eggs, maybe tomorrow.

hope everyones doing good,
mel

m16rivera · 06-10-2009, 06:10 PM

i didnt even get a chance to write in here yesterday i was sooooo beat! just got off the treadmill, did 2 miles and im off to do the abrocket, then hopefully ill get to sleep. good stillmans day today.

hope youre all well,
mel

m16rivera · 06-14-2009, 06:03 PM

well im ashamed to say it but ive binged since friday night. i didnt go out, i didnt do anything but eat all weekend. i cant say i even enjoyed it. i cried, ate and cried some more. i was doing so well then i think why am i doing this? i dont have anyone anymore to tell me im beautiful and to keep trying. i feel so alone. i know i only have myself to do this for, but to be honest, i dont love myself enough anymore. i miss tim so much and since hes been gone, i dont feel like taking care of myself.
im going to give it another try starting tomorrow. and next saturday im going to try and go out. i just feel so ugly i dont want to leave my house. and when i eat, thats all i think about. everything else goes away for a little while. i know this has to stop.

longstocking · 06-17-2009, 03:02 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I was binging the entire weekend, too.
But I'm back on track today and I'm sure you can do this, too!

changing · 06-19-2009, 03:45 PM

Oh sweet pea, don't be ashamed.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. My heart hurts for you.

Sweetie, know that you ARE worth it. I hope you have someone who can hold your hand and comfort you right now.

06-06-2009, 07:31 PM	#1
m16rivera Junior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: NJ; pic is of my rescue dog Jodie Posts: 37 Gallery: m16rivera WOE: stillmans start 6/7/09	starting over hi all, ive been away from some time dealing with some very depressing issues. my fiance passed away on december 14th. the week before that my dad was in the hospital then in february my mom was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. in the midst of that i got a new job thats very hectic. needless to say, the depression i have has manifested itself in eating. ive gained about 20 pounds and ive had major success with stillmans in the past. im starting up again tomorrow. when i do stillmans i just do grilled chicken breast and eggs, water and homemade iced tea. i do a mile on the treadmill daily and do my ab rocket (yes that thing really works!) i took a hard look at myself today and im not happy. im only 29 and i feel miserable. i cant keep living this way and i do not want to be 250 pounds again. im happy at my job although its very busy. im grateful my parents are ok and im trying to live with my fiances passing. i just know that if i dont get this under control now im going to make it worse, so ive decided to try and post here everyday with how i feel, what i ate, etc. im not going to weigh in until about next monday june 15th because its TOM now. the way i feel now i dont want to go out, i dont want to try and enjoy things again because i feel horrible and dont want anyone to see me. baby steps...im planning to go to south carolina in september so that is my motivation. im going there to spend some time with my fiances friends who have an annual cookout there. i know my fiance would be very dissapointed if he where here and he saw how ive let myself slip. he always told me i was beautiful and sometimes i feel like i dont have anyone to feel good for. but i now know that i have to feel good for myself. wish me luck and good luck to everyone else, mel __________________ always in my heart, baby boy Timothy Alan Day 7/2/74-12/14/08

06-07-2009, 04:27 PM	#3
m16rivera Junior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: NJ; pic is of my rescue dog Jodie Posts: 37 Gallery: m16rivera WOE: stillmans start 6/7/09	DAY 1 so my days coming to an end. just got off the treadmill and im getting on the abrocket as soon as im done with my iced tea. today was good. got some housework done, listened to the new u2 cd that ive been putting off, spent some time with mom. back to the busy office tomorrow. so far ive had some grilled chicken breast and will have some more later. i got invited to a housewarming party next saturday that im thinking about going and to a concert on june 26th. hopefully ill feel well enough to get dressed up and enjoy the band. i find that when im home alone with too much time to think thats when i feel sorry for myself and eff up, so im going to try to keep company around, read a book or just exercise to keep my mind busy. thanks for the well wishes izzy. good luck to you too. i heard from my mom in law (thats what i call her cos to me she was already like one) today. she sent me a pic of a yellow rose bush and a pink rose bush she planted. the yellow one for tim and the pink ones for me. i must admit this sent me into a crying session and for a moment i thought i was going to screw up, but i got myself settled and trudged on. goodnight all, mel

06-08-2009, 06:50 PM	#5
m16rivera Junior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: NJ; pic is of my rescue dog Jodie Posts: 37 Gallery: m16rivera WOE: stillmans start 6/7/09	DAY 2 todays over for me. im going to get on the treadmill, do the abrocket then call it a night. all i had today was grilled chicken again with loads of water and homemade iced tea. didnt even have time to have some hard boiled eggs, maybe tomorrow. hope everyones doing good, mel

06-10-2009, 06:10 PM	#6
m16rivera Junior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: NJ; pic is of my rescue dog Jodie Posts: 37 Gallery: m16rivera WOE: stillmans start 6/7/09	DAY 3 & 4 i didnt even get a chance to write in here yesterday i was sooooo beat! just got off the treadmill, did 2 miles and im off to do the abrocket, then hopefully ill get to sleep. good stillmans day today. hope youre all well, mel

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06-06-2009, 10:09 PM	#2
dizzyizzy Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 72 Gallery: dizzyizzy Stats: 189/176/132 WOE: Atkins/Stillman Start Date: May 2009	Good luck Mel, and we are here to support you. Glad to have you here at the forum!!!

06-14-2009, 06:03 PM	#7
m16rivera Junior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: NJ; pic is of my rescue dog Jodie Posts: 37 Gallery: m16rivera WOE: stillmans start 6/7/09	well im ashamed to say it but ive binged since friday night. i didnt go out, i didnt do anything but eat all weekend. i cant say i even enjoyed it. i cried, ate and cried some more. i was doing so well then i think why am i doing this? i dont have anyone anymore to tell me im beautiful and to keep trying. i feel so alone. i know i only have myself to do this for, but to be honest, i dont love myself enough anymore. i miss tim so much and since hes been gone, i dont feel like taking care of myself. im going to give it another try starting tomorrow. and next saturday im going to try and go out. i just feel so ugly i dont want to leave my house. and when i eat, thats all i think about. everything else goes away for a little while. i know this has to stop.

06-17-2009, 03:02 AM	#8
longstocking Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 197 Gallery: longstocking WOE: VLC and Stillman's	I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I was binging the entire weekend, too. But I'm back on track today and I'm sure you can do this, too!

06-19-2009, 03:45 PM	#9
changing Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 78 Gallery: changing Stats: 127/110/113 WOE: Moderate Carbs Start Date: 7/2/9	Oh sweet pea, don't be ashamed. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. My heart hurts for you. Sweetie, know that you ARE worth it. I hope you have someone who can hold your hand and comfort you right now.