Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[zeraspride]

I just thought I'd share this with the group and see what you guys all thought. I was just thinking this morning after my work out how happy I am with my progress and how some days I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I realized that I might not get to the number on the scale that I had dreamed of being my magic number and that can be depressing sometimes. But then I try on my goal jeans which almost fit well now and try to force myself to acknowledge that a number on the scale doesn't define me. If I can weigh 200 pounds and wear a size 8 or 10, who cares what the scale says right?

I came to a sobering conclusion that I still have some mental and emotional issues to deal with other day when I was talking to my sister. All of my sisters are skinny but one and she only let her weight go in the past few years with lots of stess being a single mom and some other stuff. Anyway, like I said, most of my sisters are skinny and I have envied them all my life. One sister in particular I have always looked to and wanted to have her figure. I asked her the other day what her jeans size was and she told me a 10. She said that she'd like to get back into her pre-baby jeans which are a size 8.

I sat and thought about what she shared with me. I always saw her as so skinny and was so envious feeling like I could never get where she is and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am there! She and I are the same size! Wow!!

Explain to me why I can look at her and see a skinny shapely body, basically a normal looking beautiful woman but I have a hard time seeing myself that way. My mind is actually denying the fact that she and I wear the same size. I even find myself wanting to change my goal size, not because I truly want to be a size 8 but because I don't see myself "skinny" in a size 10. But the more I think about it, I don't think I'd see myself skinny if I wore a size 6 or 4. I want to stop the destructive self image before I develop some type of disorder. No, it hasn't come down to that yet but I do have a hard time seeing myself as anything but fat. Can anyone else relate to this? I mean I have lost over 100 pounds, dropped 8 pants sizes and over 100 inches off my body. I should be happy and I should see a difference but some days, I just don't. I feel fatter than ever some days. It doesn't happen all the time though. There are days I can see it. I can see that I look normal. I can feel my hip bones and I get a glimpse of the real me.

It's just scary sometimes when I actually feel as fat or fatter than I did before I started this woe. Just wanted to know if anyone can relate to these feelings. Today is actually a good day and I have control of my feelings and I see myself for who I really am today but I wanted to make this post (on a good day) because on a bad day, I can hardly even stand to talk about it.

[BeyondClueless]

Lisa I think your mind hasn't caught up with your new body yet

I have a friend who lost 120 lbs and she still referred to herself as a cow etc until one day she was looking at old photos. Looking at the old photos made her realize how far she had come. I have seen the b4 and afters you have posted and WOW girl! You have made quite a transformation. I have lurked on this board for about 2 years and I have seen a lot of pple hit their goal and decide they want to be smaller, some to very unhealthy weight (in my opinion not that being my size is healthy either). I don't think striving for a size 8 is so bad if that's what will keep you on point with your new found weight of eating but if it starts to consume you perhaps you need to rethink it and call ur size 10's goal.

I hope this helps, I did ramble a big

P.S How tall are you?

[zeraspride]

Beyond - thanks so much for understanding where I am coming from. Believe it or not I'm just 5'1". I weigh between 171 and 175 pounds depending on the day. I thought I'd have to be in the 150's or 160's to wear sizes 10 and 12 but I've been in them for quite a while now. I am big boned and very muscular and those are the only reasons I can think of that I can wear these sizes at this high weight. I think that's another reason I'm going for a true size 10 and not the vanity size 10. I've been able to wear the vanity size 10 for a while now. My goal size 10 jeans are true size 10. I couldn't even button or zip them at the end of December when I bought them. Now I can at least get them buttoned and zipped. They are not fit to wear out of the house though as they are skin tight. I figure when they fit well then I know I'm done because I'll be able to wear any size 10 and some vanity sized 8s.

I guess my bigger concern is being worried that I'll never be satisfied no matter what size clothes I can wear as long as the number on the scale is so high. That's so silly when I think about it but in my mind I associate being "thin" with weighing under 160 pounds. I've worked so hard and long to just get where I am and on most levels I'm happy with that. I just don't want to get to the point that no matter what I weigh and no matter what size I am that I'm not satisfied. If someone would have told me 2 years ago that me and my sisters would be the same size, I would have laughed at them as that was my dream. Now I'm there but I don't "feel" as skinny as they appear. I don't even know if I'm making sense. I'm trying to work it through though and thought you gals would understand where I'm coming from. Thanks for listening to me whine!

[Yankee Belle]

It's been a very very long time since I've worn "normal" sizes (who gets to define normal anyhow??!!) but I can relate to what you're saying.

When I was 21 I managed to get down into a size 11 jeans. I'm 5'10" tall and big boned, so a size 11 was pretty small for me. Anyhow, I still felt HUGE, much like you're feeling right now. I couldn't accept my weight loss. I still remember to this day, 16 years later, the moment I finally realized that I was thin. I was in a KMart changing room and standing out in the open area (not my individual dressing room) looking in a mirror. I was trying on a mini-skirt for the first time in my LIFE and felt really fat. Suddenly a stranger said to me, "I'd give anything to be thin like you!"

I looked at her and found HER to be thin in my eyes. It hit me like a ton of bricks that someone whose body *I* would have envied was envying ME!

It might just take a little time to accept the new you. Go for the size 8 if you can do this in a healthy, non-obsessive way. Just don't turn into a Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie on us!

[BeyondClueless]

Wow Lisa you must have a lot of muscle on you girly! 5'1 and wearing a 10 at your current weight?

I am so glad that I have decided to transition to SB. I need to get rid of all the full fat yogurt I have, buffalo wings and some other un SB foods and I think I can jump on plan by Friday possibly Saturday of this week.

[zeraspride]

Theresa - thanks so much for your comments and for sharing your experience with me. I like especially where you said "I couldn't accept my weight loss". That is exactly how I feel. It's like when you find out a bank has rejected a check a dear friend gave you because they owed you money. You feel betrayed and shocked and not quite sure how to handle it. That is exactly how I feel. All my life I have been obese, fat, thick, hefty, plus size or whatever other term people feel comfortable using. You made another good point about who gets to decide what is normal and what is not? I guess I do know for sure that when I was wearing a size 26 jeans and they were tight, I wasn't normal. Now in a size 10 jeans and being able to share a seat on the bus with another human being instead of taking up 1-1/2 seats all by myself makes me feel sort of normal. My fear is that no matter what size I am, I won't want to accept it. I'm the same size as my sisters and I have envyed them my whole life. Why can't I accept that I am just as thin as they are? I've tried taking pictures, looking at myself nekkid in the mirror and even trying on my size 26 jeans which by the way both of my legs can fit into one pant leg of my old jeans but I still don't see myself as "worthy". I still want to reject what I see in the mirror as being someone else and not me. Will a size 8 or 6 or even 4 change that perception? I just don't know. I do think when I fit comfortably in the size 10 (non-vanity sized) jeans I have as my goal, I'll be ble to wear the vanity size 8's, maybe that will be a boost. I'm glad I have you guys here to sympathize with me and to understand! Oh, and I don't think there's a danger of me turning into Linday or Nicole!

Beyond - I feel "funny" sometimes posting my stats because I wonder do people think I'm making all this up. I took my measurements last night, because I haven't done that for a while. My stats are: bust 36 inches, waist 29.5 inches and my hips are 43 inches. My wrists have always been about 6 inches and that hasn't changed in losing over 100 pounds. My ring size went from a 7.5 to a 5 and my shoe size from a 9 to a 7.5. All my size 12's are lose on me and I have several pairs of jeans in a size 10 that fit well but I know they are vanity sized 10. That's why I bought a pair of size 10 (slim thigh and tapered waist) jeans and about a month ago I could barely get them over my hips now if I squeeze out all the air from my lungs and hold everything in I can manage to get them buttoned and zipped but I can't move in them! I thought I'd have to be much much lighter on the scale to have these measurements and fit into these sizes. I'm grateful but I think the higher scale weight is helping to play tricks on my mind because I "feel" like I should be at a smaller number on the scale. This is probably more info than you wanted or needed but I'm just trying to figure out me, if that makes sense!