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Old 02-19-2018, 08:04 AM   #1261
GoBahnsen
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You're never a bummer, GB - you make me think deeper than I'd normally go. I think that even as Christians, we struggle for the "appropriate response" to cancer, or any sad event or diagnosis. I went on a hike yesterday with a group, I knew we are meeting at the church but I didn't know it was a church group… It was awesome. We stopped Occasionally for prayer and to discuss being in the wilderness and that the turnaround point we had communion. It was a unique experience.
Awwww well thnx Casey I'm glad you had a good experience with your hiking group.

I ended up going with my wife yesterday to the small group study. Mostly because it was going to be at a different home where I really like the couple hosting it. He does a good job of keeping things on schedule. At my age those things matter more.

Asked my wife for spaghetti last night, but we agreed that the sauce might cost me sleep. So she just made the noodles with butter and some shaved Italian cheeses.

I know, it wasn't LC, but I find myself taking more liberties these days. The cancer causes it's own weight loss, so I get a free pass. It was great comfort food. Hadn't had it in years I think. The texture is so much fun.

I'm glad I make you think deeper. Seems like a good thing to me. I'm still shaking off this cold. It was such a snot maker. But never the green stuff. I;m less congested this morning, so that feels nice.

Not much to say today. It's a Monday for all of us. Always feels a little weird to come off the weekend and get back in the saddle. I slept good. I had been having strange dreams that I didn't like, so I asked the Lord for some good dreams, like sharing the gospel with people.

Instead He gave me mostly surfing dreams which were a lot of fun. It makes a difference for me to wake up from fun dreams. I just feel happier. Have a great LC day Casey and Kris and DL and the rest of the gang.
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Old 02-19-2018, 03:26 PM   #1262
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Hi Casey

It's like I am starting to forget life before cancer. Where I NEVER saw the doctor for anything. Now it's 5 days a week for something. And this will probably never end for the rest of my one, two or three years I have left to live.

I'm not sure of my own feelings about it all anymore. You get so used to that "forever" feeling we all kind of have, where you just don't really see yourself coming to that day of actually dying.

And before cancer my DW could never quite get past the times I hurt her over the years. She was stuck in resentment. I knew it and I was always planning my escape from prison.

Then the cancer diagnosis and she just melted. It's like I got a "get out of jail card" for free. Suddenly I was wanted again. I became important again. She sees me and I can tell she is happy to see me.

We are really starting to enjoy each other's company after years of apathy and feeling like a piece of furniture.

It's almost like I appreciate my cancer. It made me special. Everyone loves you so much more when they don't know how long they have you.

And then there are those like your mom who apparently don't love more, even when faced with what was looking scary for your dad.

But as I continue to survive I do see less texts coming in from friends wondering how I am feeling. People are like "I thought he was dying so I took more of an interest in him, but look....he keeps living, so never-mind."

Well, sorry for the ramble. Life. The bible says it's a vapor that appears for a while and then vanishes away. I'm finding each day stranger than the day before. I get to the end of a day and I don't know what to do with myself.

Go to bed? Get up and do it all over again? I should try to help people more. Do some good before I depart. Heaven will be so different. No more boredom. No more waiting to die.
I'm grateful for your rambles. My brother is loving his vacation. It's day 4 now I guess. He's calling his daughter with a nightly update. So grateful. I was afraid for him and not having his medical mari. I'm a pretty selfish person, with no children etc. Food addicts, addicts in general, are a mostly a self centered lot. But, I have been finding myself being more generous of spirit lately. I don't want to be remembered as this fat chick with a brain annie, 2 auto immune disorders who never got enough sleep. I'm feeling a need to help those that I can. I'm giving extra care to my dry alcoholic dad, I have a neighbor that has been out of work for years, (an engineer) very eccentric, hasn't had his gas turned on for years. Lives under an electric blanket all winter. Anyway, he is too proud to get food stamps (he is friends with my room mate - that's where I get the scoop). So I make extra food and give it to him. I pay him to do little projects. Another friend of mine has two houses he was trying to get ready to rent - I hooked him up with my neighbor and he's had some steady part time work for the winter. He also does odd jobs on his own and will be doing census work this spring.
Anyway, my brother with his stage 4 PC and you here on your journey has made me acutely aware of my mortality...and made me want to be a more generous person for the time I have left. Sorry now for my ramblin'

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Old 02-19-2018, 03:30 PM   #1263
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Anyhow, we will see how it feels tomorrow but at least I was able to walk for 45 minutes without having to turn back in pain so I'll take it
Fantastic news! You go girl!
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Old 02-19-2018, 03:32 PM   #1264
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hi, GB and Kris! I went into the appointment cautiously optimistic, and the news could not have been better: they categorized the squamous cell cancer as Stage 1A, margins are clear, lymph nodes are clear, not radiation or chemo, he can tape off the oxygen whenever he is ready, he sees the doc again in 3 months, then every six months for a couple of years! He hasn't taken ANY pain meds since leaving the hospital. Staples came out yesterday, too - 9 days post surgery! And he's free to resume all activities, except "heavy lifting," which he doesn't do much of anyway (at 82) - ha.

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.
Wonderful news Casey!
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Old 02-19-2018, 04:56 PM   #1265
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I'm grateful for your rambles. My brother is loving his vacation. It's day 4 now I guess. He's calling his daughter with a nightly update. So grateful. I was afraid for him and not having his medical mari. I'm a pretty selfish person, with no children etc. Food addicts, addicts in general, are a mostly a self centered lot. But, I have been finding myself being more generous of spirit lately. I don't want to be remembered as this fat chick with a brain annie, 2 auto immune disorders who never got enough sleep. I'm feeling a need to help those that I can. I'm giving extra care to my dry alcoholic dad, I have a neighbor that has been out of work for years, (an engineer) very eccentric, hasn't had his gas turned on for years. Lives under an electric blanket all winter. Anyway, he is too proud to get food stamps (he is friends with my room mate - that's where I get the scoop). So I make extra food and give it to him. I pay him to do little projects. Another friend of mine has two houses he was trying to get ready to rent - I hooked him up with my neighbor and he's had some steady part time work for the winter. He also does odd jobs on his own and will be doing census work this spring.
Anyway, my brother with his stage 4 PC and you here on your journey has made me acutely aware of my mortality...and made me want to be a more generous person for the time I have left. Sorry now for my ramblin'
Awwww Izzy, you make me want to give you a big hug. Thanks for sharing that. That encourages me!!

Lately I have really turned to LCF for a way to give expression to my inner workings. It has pretty much taken the place of my daily journal. So I have gone from writing to myself, to putting myself out there.

Well good....especially when I read that my "sharing" effort helps someone else expand their own inner thoughts. And then that ripples out into good works, like you shared about.

So glad to hear you making efforts outside yourself to bless others. God promises to reward us for it. How amazing! Not only does He go off to prepare a place for us ("if it were not so I would have told you"-Jesus) , but then gives out rewards?!!! Amazing grace.

Keep on posting. Love to read em.
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Old 02-20-2018, 06:01 AM   #1266
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hi, GB . Like Izzy, I'm glad that you are posting here instead of journaling privately. You are having an impact on people without even realizing it! You are getting us to think and talk about things that are uncomfortable or challenging. I don't even remember how or why I found this thread - I think I was just intrigued by the title - but it's something that I look forward to coming to every day. And I followed the thread for quite a while before I joined in.

Hi, Kris!. I'm happy that you were able to walk for so long without pain! Pain really affects us mentally - it's hard to think "rationally" or normally when there is pain. We start thinking catastrophically and go down a dark path. Then you have a good day and the fog lifts! And I think that sometimes we have to go through those times to really appreciate things more!

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Old 02-20-2018, 07:01 AM   #1267
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Good Morning Everyone! And thanks for all the kind words. I didn't realize that it had been so long since I checked in here. Time goes so fast, I missed a lot of deep thinking and good writing in here. Good to catch up. I'm so glad that it sounds like things are going at least OK for all of you.

I got another little cold & when I do it starts with killer sore throat so I spent Sunday in bed all day watching tv and sipping OJ Very unproductive but sometimes feels good to do that for a big change. I think my immune system is down this year for some reason, getting sick much more. Can it be lack of decent exercise & bad eating? Weight is up somewhere between 10 and 20 pounds from my usual and where I try to keep it, maybe that too Maybe it's just being old

I'm still not eating so good but I have been able to walk some either at the mall or at the local cemetary. I don't want to jinx anything, but I THINK I can finally say that my foot is getting a little better very slowly?? I'm still doing all the 'stuff' I was and now wearing round bottom sketchers ALL the time & when I walk in them the pain is way less I have not dropped any weight as I said, and it's way past the time to get started. I hope that soon I can come on here and tell you all that I HAVE started a program but I can't yet.

Well back to babysitting; almost time to feed the little guy. He's finally thru all of his meds for the phnemonia and hopefully on the mend!!
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Old 02-20-2018, 08:02 AM   #1268
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hi, GB . Like Izzy, I'm glad that you are posting here instead of journaling privately. You are having an impact on people without even realizing it! You are getting us to think and talk about things that are uncomfortable or challenging. I don't even remember how or why I found this thread - I think I was just intrigued by the title - but it's something that I look forward to coming to every day. And I followed the thread for quite a while before I joined in.

Hi, Kris!. I'm happy that you were able to walk for so long without pain! Pain really affects us mentally - it's hard to think "rationally" or normally when there is pain. We start thinking catastrophically and go down a dark path. Then you have a good day and the fog lifts! And I think that sometimes we have to go through those times to really appreciate things more!
Good morning Casey. Hey this thread has really changed a lot from a couple of months ago. We are a different kind of thread. I appreciate you and the newer members like Izzy and DL. Kris and I have been here for years together.

Sometimes I disappeared for weeks in a row. Mostly because I wasn't being successful with weight loss and I felt useless to share. Then I'd peek in and read Kris or PAC
asking where GB was or a I hope GB is ok? Then I'd feel convicted for just leaving them in the dark. So I'd say hello so they knew I hadn't died.

It really encourages me to have the new faces around. You get enough people and the group can afford someone taking a break from posting. Sometimes it used to be just Kris alone for days. But she never gave up.

Over the years in here I have gone from a proud peacock who would lose lots of weight and then talk about the compliments I was getting. Not that there isn't a legit place for losing and being proud of it and mentioning a compliment. There is. But I was all about turning heads.

Remember Kris? It was my identity. Again, I was building my life on sand, because when the storms of life hit, you have no real substance about yourself. You're just conceited and it only works if everything is going smoothly. You all know what I'm saying.

Funny how it is that we universally disapprove of conceit. We say "that person is so conceited ...." It's a universal negative character trait. Most of the conceited people try to hide it. I did too. But you could hear it in here a while back coming out of my mouth.

Being admired by others is such a strong draw. Weight loss can be for health, to just feel better, and to look better, but the looking better can be a slippery slope. The Lord declares that He hates a proud look. He sees the puffed up heart and He hates it. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up says the Word.

Ok, so most of us in here know that one. For those reading along who don't or who disagree, that's ok. I'm glad they're reading along anyway. Let each person be convicted in their own heart according to what is really true about life. God will make it known.

Have a great LC day my friends. Keep on posting.
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:42 AM   #1269
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Here's a different perspective - I was married to someone who always wanted me thinner and said he'd leave if I ever got fat or pregnant! (And I was 5'9" and 120-125 pounds when he left!) And he wanted me dressed in the skimpiest outfits, and high heels - I wasn't "allowed" to wear sweats or my hair pulled back out of my face... So after 15 years he left anyway and when I'd date someone, if they focused on how I looked or dressed, it was a red flag. It was hard for me to take a compliment because it made me uncomfortable. Now I've been divorced longer than I was married and I have a healthy relationship with my body and with food, and I can take a compliment, but I see it as just my body here, and not my forever body or my forever goals. My identity isn't defined by what other people think (anymore).
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Old 02-20-2018, 03:34 PM   #1270
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It sounds like the thread is full of good news! Kris's foot is doing better, Casey's Dad is doing better, Izzy's brother is doing better, and GB is enjoying his spaghetti and becoming more humble. LOL I hope you're getting good news, too, GB.

I am doing OK. No illness right now. Back in Onderland for 11 days and holding. Little bit of exercise here and there....not setting any records. Just wanted to pop in and say Hi.

I hope DL is doing well with her Daniel fast.
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Old 02-20-2018, 03:45 PM   #1271
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hi, Carol! congrats on staying in onderland for 11 days! Keep up the good work - stay focused on the long term goal!
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Old 02-21-2018, 07:35 AM   #1272
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Here's a different perspective - I was married to someone who always wanted me thinner and said he'd leave if I ever got fat or pregnant! (And I was 5'9" and 120-125 pounds when he left!) And he wanted me dressed in the skimpiest outfits, and high heels - I wasn't "allowed" to wear sweats or my hair pulled back out of my face... So after 15 years he left anyway and when I'd date someone, if they focused on how I looked or dressed, it was a red flag. It was hard for me to take a compliment because it made me uncomfortable. Now I've been divorced longer than I was married and I have a healthy relationship with my body and with food, and I can take a compliment, but I see it as just my body here, and not my forever body or my forever goals. My identity isn't defined by what other people think (anymore).
Good morning Casey
Oh my goodness, I can't believe there are control freak husbands out there like that. I know there are, but it still seems strange. Gag. I'm sorry you were left, but it sounds like a relief too.

Sounds like you're in a much better place and I'm happy for you.
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Old 02-21-2018, 07:55 AM   #1273
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It was hard to see the positives when I was in the midst of it, but I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have that experience. The worst things that have happened to me in my life have changed me the most for the best! Sometimes it's only in retrospect that we see God's hand in things!
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Old 02-21-2018, 07:55 AM   #1274
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It sounds like the thread is full of good news! Kris's foot is doing better, Casey's Dad is doing better, Izzy's brother is doing better, and GB is enjoying his spaghetti and becoming more humble. LOL I hope you're getting good news, too, GB.

I am doing OK. No illness right now. Back in Onderland for 11 days and holding. Little bit of exercise here and there....not setting any records. Just wanted to pop in and say Hi.

I hope DL is doing well with her Daniel fast.
Hi PAC. Yes some good things are happening in here. It's great that we have all played a part in prayer and encouragement.

I have been loving the spaghetti. Had it again last night with roasted, organic chicken. My wife asked me if I wanted seconds and I wisely said I shouldn't. But I wanted more. It is so much fun.

I'm still far from being a man known for humility. But at least I am seeing the virtue of it more clearly. I cringe at my recent years of trying to be as good looking as I could get.

I was so insecure. The one thing that brought an immediate sense of significance was any approval from the opposite ___. Can't say that word in a post.

But I was trading that for a right walk with God. I should have just humbled out before my DW, but I was too weak. I was afraid of rejection. Or "oh that's nice that you are admitting your failure, now ....can you fix this and that and jump thru these hoops? And when you're done, I have more hoops for you to jump thru."

So I ran. Always running away inside. Somehow the cancer gives me a special status and I'm totally accepted for being me and just being alive still. No big expectations. It's like the way it should have always been.

The cancer itself is humbling. When you have nerf balls hanging out of your body, you are no longer desired. No one wants you in a romantic way. I'd have no one if I didn't have my DW. To say I appreciate her more than ever now would be an under statement. She is all I have in the realm of acceptance by a woman.

So it's all good. God knew how to straighten everything out. It just took some affliction. I'm thankful. Have a great LC day PAC. Sounds like you got things under control.
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Old 02-21-2018, 08:35 AM   #1275
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Hi PAC & everyone! Yes good to hear from you PAC and congrats on staying in Wonderland for 11 days. That is great I know it's not an easy thing for you to do. Maintenance is harder than losing, you are doing great.

I am the same, up to a solid 150 now, highest I've been in quite a while. Goal is 130 but still not exercising. Guess I was wrong about the foot, or over-confidant or something I'm still doing all the stuff to help it but it hurts worse this morning than it ever did, or at least the same. It was false hope I guess. But wearing the sketchers does ease pain while I'm trying to get around, or go for short walks. Still wearing the boot at night and I'm used to that.

Lots of good stuff in here! I am thankful for DH too, he does a lot for my kids and grandkids and me. too old here to ever think of turning heads again!!!!
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Old 02-21-2018, 08:59 AM   #1276
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Kris, I think your foot is probably healing, but maybe you did too much too soon when it started to feel better. Just take it slow and easy.

GB, I love spaghetti, too. My kids loved it growing up and I used to make it every Saturday. Unfortunately, with diabetes, it's off the menu, except for an occasional indulgence. I like it any way,with or without sauce, and sometimes just with melted butter. Yum!
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Old 02-22-2018, 11:45 AM   #1277
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Well PAC I will hope that you are right, and my foot is still healing. I'm trying to think positive. Still hurting this morning but I'm going to take it easy & just stay home all day today with the baby. If it's feeling up to it I might take a short walk after he goes home. It's a pretty lazy day around here so far, hardly been off the couch. I know that's not good for me at all but so easy to do - crawl under a blanket and veg out. I still have not gotten my ambition back I skipped dinner last night and had a salad for lunch today. Planning to skip dinner again tonight, trying to get into "diet mode" It's a slow process for me these days.

Just popped in to check in and say hi!! Hope everyone is doing fine.
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