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Old 10-29-2013, 11:40 AM   #1
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Don't Judge ME... honesty

I have been on both sides of the track - very skinny to obese.

In my teens to early 20's I suffered from hyperthyroidism and could never gain weight. I was 5'8 and 90-100lbs. Most people thought I had an eating disorder which I didn't. I wasn't bulimic or anorexic. In fact I hated being thin. I was healthy, very healthy, but I always felt insecure about my looks and being 'to thin'. I would overhear comments from others and that would make me feel even worse. Soon I began thinking everyone was talking about me whether I could hear them or not. (crying as I right this) Any remark became a personal insult to me whether it was meant that way or not. I stopped talking to people and became very isolated, hiding myself from the outside world. I had no friends and just hated well, being alive. No one really knew how depressed I really was because I just didn't go around family that often and when I did I didn't say much. They saw a skinny girl, that's it. Most people probably thought of me as a snob because to them I was this pretty young thing that was so skinny and someone who just didn't talk to them or make eye contact. My religious beliefs kept me from committing suicide, but if not for that I believe I would have gladly ended my life. I forced myself to eat ungodly amounts of food, fatty foods to try to gain weight to no avail.

In my 30's, after children and life, my hyperthyroidism turned into hypothyroidism and I took on a whole lot of other medical issues. I became very unhealthy and obese. In 2010, I had two strokes back to back and had gained to my highest weight of 243. And not because of my eating. By then I was eating only once a day at maybe 500 cals a day. My weight came on because of my medical issues and meds. But even though I was unhealthy and obese, I was happy for the first time in my life with how I looked. I was happy being fat. I felt comfortable. People no longer talked about me. I no longer worried all the time that people were whispering or making remarks about my weight. I felt comfortable around other people and was no longer afraid to talk to people or try to make friends. I actually looked people in the eyes and said hello to everyone. In my mind, my overweight opened a door to other people where they felt comfortable around me, so I could feel comfortable around them.

I hate the idea of losing weight. I don't want to lose the weight. I don't want to become that skinny person again who others look down upon. I don't want to hear the remarks behind my back. (crying again) I do want to be healthy, but I want to be fat and healthy. I wish we lived in a world where people were not judged by their looks, but unfortunately that is how it is. I know I am a good person and I have a lot of good qualities about me. That has never been my insecurity. My issues are based solely on the outer appearance and how I feel people treat you (think of you) because of it. Even on here, I am reluctant to post pics of my progress for fear of what others will think - she's getting to skinny, why is she dieting, etc. I know so many overweight people feel like I did when I was skinny. I fully understand that feeling.

But to be honest, how many of you look at someone skinny even if they are healthy and think they are to skinny or they have an ED. Or think they are snobs or whatever. When you see someone overweight or even obese, what is your first thought? Do you feel 'bad' for them because they are overweight? Do you think they eat too much? Do you judge them based on their appearance, even though you hate being judged on yours?

Judging a person simply on how they look on the outside is so detrimental to everyone - the person judging and the person being judged. It puts ideas that are just completely false into your belief system.

I was healthy when I was skinny. I was not bulimic or anorexic. I was not a snob. I was shy and insecure. I had medical issues that kept me from gaining weight. I wanted to have friends.

I was unhealthy when I was obese. I did not overeat. I ate too little. I was happy with my weight. I wasn't shy or insecure. I had medical issues that caused the weight gain. I wanted to have friends.

Hopefully this will help someone reading this to stop judging a person based on their appearance.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:06 PM   #2
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I think we tend to spend too much time in our own heads, wondering what others are thinking about us. Most people are ALSO spending time in their own heads and not giving a second thought to our appearance. It sounds like your issues are more emotional than weight-related. I've been 106 pounds at 5'10" and 280 pounds at the same height, also thyroid-related. Trust me, I've been there. You can't let your own perceived ideas about others perceptions cloud your own vision of yourself.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:12 PM   #3
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Unless skinny people are skeletal and clearly suffering from anorexia or other such disorder, I don't think anything of it.

Truthfully, the only thing I think when I see obese people, is how hard it must be to move around and be comfortable in their body

And yes, my thoughts are often consumed about myself, and how I'm feeling about my health and weight, no time to sit back in judgement of others. And the only thing I think, when I see overweight people in the gym, is good for them, for doing something for their health and wellbeing.

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Old 10-29-2013, 12:15 PM   #4
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I've never judged anyone for their size. I was really little for a long time. I am now on the other side of the spectrum...But my reasons for losing weight is because I want to look and feel great. I'm getting older and the older I get, it may be harder for me to lose...And with my BMI...I put myself at risk for a heart attack or stroke if I don't get healthy. I say, get where you want to be at that is healthy and makes you feel good. Don't care what others say. God loves you for who you are.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:15 PM   #5
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I'm not judging, but why have you set a goal of 130 if you were happy at the higher weight? Who are you doing this for? Do and be what makes you happy. Period. You can be fit and fat to a certain degree, if you eat the right foods and work out to improve your muscle strength, cardiovascular conditioning and endurance.

I hope you are on meds for your hypothyroidism. It sounded like during the years you were Hyper, you weren't doing anything medically to fix that. You can never go back to that super-skinny person that you once were, even if you wanted to.

Be what you want to be! Be happy.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:16 PM   #6
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Oh Misty, I want to cry with you. I feel your pain. I agree with Dawn though. When you were younger and people were saying things about your weight, you just have to remember "they" were younger too. YOung people are not very tactful or even considerate of others feelings. MOST people don't even pay attention, as adults. Many people that know you and love you will say that you look fine no matter what. They don't really care about your outer appearance. Break away from those youthful hateful comments. The rest of the world is not necessarily like that. And, remember, you are not doing this because you want to be skinny, or that you hate being fat, you are doing this because you want to be healthy.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:32 PM   #7
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I am so glad to see the responses here.

That has always been my problem - thinking to much. I 'feel' others more so than most I think. My mom has always said I was an empath even as a young child and would just know when someone felt bad even if they weren't showing it. So I know I do take things more to heart than others do. I also know my experience was 20+ years ago and through the eyes of a 'child'. We all have experiences that stick with us for life, and this is one that did for me.

I am a lot older and stronger now than I was as a teen. Many years and life experiences have helped in that. I know I won't have the emotional baggage I carried back then, but it will take time for me to 'Box up" those old memories of how I felt. Getting back my health for me and my family's sake is to me most important. My goal of 130 is just a guide - a mid range of what was recommended by my doc. My weight judge will be my health. Just thought it would good to post a little fyi on how weight and people's reactions effected me. The skinny kid is not always healthy or happy, and the overweight is not always unhappy or overeats.

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Old 10-29-2013, 01:20 PM   #8
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I am so glad to see the responses here.

That has always been my problem - thinking to much. I 'feel' others more so than most I think. My mom has always said I was an empath even as a young child and would just know when someone felt bad even if they weren't showing it. So I know I do take things more to heart than others do. I also know my experience was 20+ years ago and through the eyes of a 'child'. We all have experiences that stick with us for life, and this is one that did for me.

I am a lot older and stronger now than I was as a teen. Many years and life experiences have helped in that. I know I won't have the emotional baggage I carried back then, but it will take time for me to 'Box up" those old memories of how I felt. Getting back my health for me and my family's sake is to me most important. My goal of 130 is just a guide - a mid range of what was recommended by my doc. My weight judge will be my health. Just thought it would good to post a little fyi on how weight and people's reactions effected me. The skinny kid is not always healthy or happy, and the overweight is not always unhappy or overeats.
I don't have much to add except . You have come a long way and are so right, you are older yet go back to how you felt back as a young person. Either perceived or imagined, these moments in time can sting for many years. Im happy you didn't go thru with taking your life, the world, your husband, children... would be emptier without you.

Thank you for the BIG reminder NOT TO JUDGE!!!
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:38 PM   #9
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I am very sorry you feel so sad at the prospect of losing weight. I can understand and sympathize. But please consider, the difference in the way you think you were perceived may have to do with how you appeared in more ways than the weight. When you were too thin, you were uncomfortable and did not approach people or try to make friends. When you were obese, you were finally comfortable and happy and approached people. More than anything, I believe people respond to how people carry themselves, to their confidence level and approachability. Yes, people judge people on appearances. But that is not the only thing. If you had been as uncomfortable and shy when you were obese, you probably would have heard comments on your weight then too.

I hope you can see it within yourself to maintain your ease with yourself and happiness to your new lower weight. No one was responding to your increased weight. They were responding to the happy, comfortable person they saw before them, one they didn't see when you were under-thin. It can be that way at 130 pounds, too. I promise.
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Old 10-29-2013, 02:14 PM   #10
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I don't have much to add except . You have come a long way and are so right, you are older yet go back to how you felt back as a young person. Either perceived or imagined, these moments in time can sting for many years. Im happy you didn't go thru with taking your life, the world, your husband, children... would be emptier without you.

Thank you for the BIG reminder NOT TO JUDGE!!!
I agree. I'm glad that you posted this reminder and your thoughts on it.

I am curious about who you might think would judge you now if you lost weight? Are most of the people in your family and work/social circle heavy people? This can create a slippery slope for some.

Personally, I've never felt judged in anyway for my posts here concerning my low weight. I have seen a few posts of genuine concern if it seems like someone is falling into disordered eating.

Losing a lot of weight does required some head adjusting. It's good that we lose it slowly and can adapt to the changes and challenges that come with it.

The great thing about this site is that you are not alone in this.
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Old 10-29-2013, 02:29 PM   #11
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Yes, most of my family and my husbands family are all overweight to obese. So that is a concern for me. Funny how my mom is very thin, but I followed in my dad's health. He had hyperthyroid when young and turned to hypothyroid also in his 30's. He is a big man 6'6 and well over 320.
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Old 10-29-2013, 05:19 PM   #12
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I totally agree. Women spend way too much time thinking about other women. This is one reason I don't read the dreaded "mommy blogs" anymore because they have become mouth pieces for insecure women who focus on others' flaws so that they cant see their own. It makes me sick.

I try to never judge ANYONE by how they look. There are so many overweight and obese people that are perfectly healthy. There are also perfectly healthy skinny people. Onlookers tend to just focus on what they see because it is easy to judge that way, and for some reason they feel the need to... I just dont get that.

Im so sorry for what happened to you when you were young. I work in fashion and work with a lot of very slender people, who are so nice and kind and funny and happy. They never think anything of my "chubbier" self and we get along great. I think the world thinks they can comment on "skinny" frames more often because it is more politically correct.

sometimes i hate the world for this reason! i just cant stand it!!!

rant over.
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Old 10-29-2013, 06:43 PM   #13
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mjgh- I totally get were your coming from and I do not think it is in your head at all. I too was skinny but it wasn't an accident I exercised and I watched what I ate and finally got to a weight I felt really good at. But I would get comments from random people who I wasn't even close to saying things like "are you sick?, you're too skinny, you should really eat something" and people giving critical looks, at parties people would sometimes check if I had a slice of pizza and offer me food in a weird way and one time I even had someone next to me tell another person that yes they did see me eat it was okay ;(. It was bad.

I want to go back to that low weight again because I felt healthiest and most confident at that weight but I do feel pretty apprehensive about people's reactions. It seems like you can't win being fat or thin, people are very critical.... I'm just going to strive for a healthy size that makes me feel good about my body and comfortably lets me wear my favorite brands. I agree people should focus on themselves and stop worrying about someone else's weight.
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:03 PM   #14
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I've never been skinny. I've always carried any where from 20-90 lbs extra. When I see an overweight person, I wonder what their life is like that made them that way. I don't see them as a lazy person who just likes to eat. I see a person who might have given up on life or doesn't think they can change. Something has happened that brought them to this place. I admit that I have had flawed thinking when it comes to skinny people. In the past I would see a skinny person and think they have control over their life. I realize now that it doesn't matter what size you are. We are all insecure in some way.
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:57 PM   #15
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Your problems are emotional rather than weight-related.It takes time to heal some old memories ,esp the ones that hurt the most.

Do whatever it takes to erase and replace them with happy ones,be it journaling,meditation or prayers.

If it it helps in anyway,I have never looked at thin people and judged them,I always thought they had good metabolisms.When I see fat people ,I think the same thing-slow metabolism-not their fault.

If it gives you anymore confidence,maybe settle at a slightly higher weight where you are healthy,but not too overweight.For example,I am 5'6",I look too thin at 145(more muscle mass),but look good at 150-155,but I could also settle at 170 ,where I am a little rounder and curvy,but not overweight.

BTW don't consult the BMI charts,they are a load of crap.You should go more by how you like your shape in the mirror.after all,your goal weight is where you feel happy,satisfied,confident and healthy.
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:35 AM   #16
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I agree people should focus on themselves and stop worrying about someone else's weight.
Very true. But it is also true that we should focus on ourselves and stop worrying about other people's reaction to our weight.

We can't control other people. We can only control ourselves.
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Old 10-30-2013, 08:23 AM   #17
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Think about it as getting healthy...Not getting skinny...I don't think I will ever be skinny again...I am thinner, healthier and happier tho. Find your happy medium and get there. Then worry about skinny and the feelings if it starts to happen again.
Being healthy is the goal...there will alwyas be someone that is bigger, smaller, fitter, weaker, more ill, more happy, and more sad than I am or you are...I think it is time for us to get healthier and a lil more comfortable with what we have to work with...the world would be an awful boring place if everywhere we looked everything was the same.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:08 PM   #18
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But to be honest, how many of you look at someone skinny even if they are healthy and think they are to skinny or they have an ED. Or think they are snobs or whatever. When you see someone overweight or even obese, what is your first thought? Do you feel 'bad' for them because they are overweight? Do you think they eat too much? Do you judge them based on their appearance, even though you hate being judged on yours?

Yes, I do feel bad for the hugely obese man/woman riding around in the motorized grocery cart with a basket full of cookies, sugared pop and junk food. Not because they're overweight but because they 'don't get' how much shorter their life is going to be and how drastically the quality of that short life will be affected by continuing to eat the way they do.

Yes, I do feel bad for the woman who's 5'6" tall, weighs under 100 pounds and adheres to a strict low calorie diet and exercises like a madwoman because she believes she's overweight.

Do I look at a skinny or fat person and make the judgment of how they got there? Nope. I don't even go there *UNLESS* they put it out there for discussion.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:13 PM   #19
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Yes, I do feel bad for the hugely obese man/woman riding around in the motorized grocery cart with a basket full of cookies, sugared pop and junk food. Not because they're overweight but because they 'don't get' how much shorter their life is going to be and how drastically the quality of that short life will be affected by continuing to eat the way they do.

Yes, I do feel bad for the woman who's 5'6" tall, weighs under 100 pounds and adheres to a strict low calorie diet and exercises like a madwoman because she believes she's overweight.

Do I look at a skinny or fat person and make the judgment of how they got there? Nope. I don't even go there *UNLESS* they put it out there for discussion.
I partially agree with the 1st remark - I would say someone with a cart full of junk food regardless of what they look like. But how do you know that woman under 100lbs is on a low cal diet and exercises because she believes she's overweight - without assuming or judging. There are so many other reasons why things could be that way.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:16 PM   #20
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I partially agree with the 1st remark - I would say someone with a cart full of junk food regardless of what they look like. But how do you know that woman under 100lbs is on a low cal diet and exercises because she believes she's overweight - without assuming or judging. There are so many other reasons why things could be that way.
I find the first remark judgmental too, though, because we have no way of knowing if that's how that person eats, or if they're going to a party and had a list of things to pick up, etc.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:23 PM   #21
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I partially agree with the 1st remark - I would say someone with a cart full of junk food regardless of what they look like. But how do you know that woman under 100lbs is on a low cal diet and exercises because she believes she's overweight - without assuming or judging. There are so many other reasons why things could be that way.
I guess I should have been more specific (even though I did say I don't judge on appearance) that I would know the underweight person was on a low cal diet/exercising to lose based on experience with them (at a gym, etc.) or because they've said they were. Just as my observation of the fat person's shopping cart also leads to certain conclusions.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:26 PM   #22
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I find the first remark judgmental too, though, because we have no way of knowing if that's how that person eats, or if they're going to a party and had a list of things to pick up, etc.
You're a better person than I am then.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:37 PM   #23
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good point Dawn.

On that my opinion is now based on what I perceive as healthy and just couldn't think of feeding that crap to my family, friends, myself or well anyone-anymore. Even if invited to a party now such as this Halloween, I will be bringing LC foods, my version of healthy. But I was one who never thought twice about it before going LC. I guess that is a form of being judgmental without basing it on appearance though.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:39 PM   #24
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:

I am curious about who you might think would judge you now if you lost weight? Are most of the people in your family and work/social circle heavy people? This can create a slippery slope for some.:
I think this is a very perceptive statement. Sometimes people can feel threatened by another's loss of weight because it may trigger fears or anxieties within themselves. You need to keep your focus on what is best and healthiest for yourself. That is what will lead to happiness and a happy person always is attractive and appealing, at any weight. Your friends will stick like glue.
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:07 PM   #25
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Someone could look at me and look at my cart full of fatty meats and full fat dairy and think that I had "given up" too. We never know what other people are doing.

I'm always amazed at the number of people who spend their energy thinking about what other people are buying of eating. I don't give a rip about the stuff in someone's shopping cart.
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:20 PM   #26
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Someone could look at me and look at my cart full of fatty meats and full fat dairy and think that I had "given up" too. We never know what other people are doing.

I'm always amazed at the number of people who spend their energy thinking about what other people are buying of eating. I don't give a rip about the stuff in someone's shopping cart.
Amen. Why do people have to care so much about what other people are doing? Why do they feel the need to "feel bad"? Should strangers really have that sort of power to incite such intense feelings?

I suppose I am contradicting myself with these statements about people who judge others.
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:18 AM   #27
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Unless you're blind or totally self-absorbed, it is impossible not to observe what is going on around you and impossible not to form an 'opinion'.

If I see a seriously obese person in a motorized shopping cart full of potato chips, cookies, ice cream, etc., I do feel bad for their choices. I don't make judgments as to whether they're a good or bad person. I don't have 'intense' feelings about it. I don't expend a lot of energy thinking about it. It is simply an observation...and if this has become politically incorrect...well color me incorrect.

What I see going on in this thread though is that there is too much worry over what other people 'think' (or may be thinking). Instead of worrying about whether people think you're too thin or too fat, work on your own attitude at either accepting whatever weight you're at...or change it. Take accountability for your own weight and your own feelings and stop putting that power in the hands of others.
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:42 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ntombi View Post
I'm always amazed at the number of people who spend their energy thinking about what other people are buying of eating. I don't give a rip about the stuff in someone's shopping cart.
I don't either. The only time I care about what is in someone elses shopping cart is if I accidentally grab it thinking it is mine.
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Originally Posted by Aomiel View Post
Unless you're blind or totally self-absorbed, it is impossible not to observe what is going on around you and impossible not to form an 'opinion'.
I disagree. I'm not blind or self-absorbed, but I am focused when I'm shopping. I get in and get out quickly, so my whole focus is on what I need and where it is, and what is the best buy. I often don't even notice people I know shopping until they say hello to me. Difference between self-absorbed and focused.

There are a few exceptions to that, like when I'm waiting at the fish counter. When I'm there waiting and I've checked out all the free recipe cards there is nothing else to do or focus on, so I will notice what fish people are choosing.
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:17 AM   #29
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I've been thin and fatter. we all mostly been there and we are judged all the time for a million things/actions we do thru the day.

People do have opinions and form judgements on what is seen or heard.

It is natural. But MANY people in this world don't judge after seeing/hearing certain situations. They mind their own business, attend to what is 'really' important in this world and move forward with their lives. Some just gotta go overboard in the area of 'my opinion is fact and law'. hmmfff..it isn't

I was at Golden Corral buffet one time. A very obese lady was eating next to us. She had 3 plates piled high with every fried food item and of course the mac/cheese and taters/gravy and one extra bowl loaded with breads. Let me tell ya it is HARD not to form an opinion. She was younger and with older obese parents but she was very big. I told hubby I hope she sees the light I was low carbing then and my plate reflected that. But when she finished that and got 3 more plates, ate about 1 1/2 of them and dumped the rest in the garbage that irked me. waste and gluttony. I despise that.


so while I try not to judge, I am with the opinion at some point people will judge on what they see and hear. When they do, I hope they use common sense about medical troubles people may have, compassion for how hard it is to dig yourself out of a deep hole and tackle your problem head on and understanding of what it takes to motivate people etc. to improve their lives.

We all been there in some facet of our lives needing understanding, compassion and motivation.
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Last edited by Trigger828; 10-31-2013 at 08:19 AM..
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:50 AM   #30
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I didn't get to over 300 lbs without having 'food issues,' and if I now notice someone very obese who is overeating in a restaurant (or buying junk in the supermarket), I focus totally on myself and use that as a 'cautionary tale' because I know that I'm just one brownie away from regaining weight.

I have been that person buying junk for a binge, and I have been that person overeating at a restaurant buffet---and I'm very aware of the fact that I can easily be that person again.

I haven't maintained for over 3 years by judging other people but by trying to deal with my own 'food issues,' which didn't magically disappear with my lost pounds. My personal motto is a paraphrase of the poet Alexander Pope--"Know then thyself, refuse others to scan." In other words, I don't worry about anyone else's health or weight issues but my own. Quite frankly, managing myself is enough of a challenge for me.
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