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SadieJack 02-10-2013 06:53 AM

Negative friend
 
I have a friend who I've known for 20 years now who is becoming a real downer. Both of us are over weight and we used to eat out together quite a bit (which is probably how we got so fat). She is a TexMex freak. I like it, but not everyday!

Anyway...I told her I was doing the low carb and trying to lose weight. I started working out again at my health club. She is not very encouraging. She just kind of "grunts" when I tell her of my weight loss and changes the subject. No encouragement at all. I have tried to get her to go to her health club (which she pays dues on every month), but she won't go.

I know the psychology behind this.... jealousy, etc. But it is still making me upset. I don't want to lose our friendship, but she is really dragging me down. :sad:

Thoughts?

Mistizoom 02-10-2013 07:00 AM

I would say if you still want to be friends with her the subject of weight and exercise needs to be off the table at this point. I am sure that will be hard for you, as you want to share your happiness over your weight loss, WOE, etc. However is she does not want to hear it you shouldn't really push it on her. Try to find other things to talk about, and lead by example.

Psmileyf 02-10-2013 07:01 AM

Talk about something other than the way you eat or what you weigh.
Do you thing, let her do hers.
Answer questions if she asks, but don't preach. Just don't mention what you are eating. Don't bug her to go to the gym. No one likes to be nagged and it is not an effective motivator.

Your results will speak for themselves. There may come a point where she asks you about it...until then, just talk about something else.

SadieJack 02-10-2013 07:07 AM

Thanks...I really don't nag her or bug her that much. And I agree that I should keep this topic off the table. I just wish she was more supportive of MY effort. She tries to sabotage me by asking me to go out to TexMex places and have chips/queso and margaritas. I told her I cannot go (I have no will power with a bowl of chips in front of me) and then she gets upset. Sigh

Dottie 02-10-2013 07:15 AM

What did you talk about before?
Many times when someone is being successful on a diet/exercise routine, they become almost fanatic lol.
It's like when someone quits smoking, they seem to want to convert everyone that's still smoking.
You may talk about it more than you realize?
You had your lightbulb moment, maybe she's not ready for hers yet ;)

Dottie 02-10-2013 07:15 AM

Oh and ask for some bell pepper or celery instead of chips. Surprisingly good with fresh salsa when you just need that "chips and salsa" feel:)

Mazzie 02-10-2013 07:18 AM

I 100% agree with everything Psmileyf said. I had someone like that in my life at the beginning of my weight loss journey last year (very negative, brought me bad treats she knew I couldn't have, upset about not eating high carb together anymore), so I just stopped talking about eating low carb/weight loss with her completely. Eventually my results caused her to start asking occasional questions and now she even attempts to eat lower carb at times. She came around. Your friend may or may not. Focus on whatever non-food things are part of your friendship, stand your ground, and do your thing. The longer you eat this way, the more it becomes a lifestyle you're confident in - and the people around you will usually get it.

Beeb 02-10-2013 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistizoom (Post 16250948)
I would say if you still want to be friends with her the subject of weight and exercise needs to be off the table at this point. I am sure that will be hard for you, as you want to share your happiness over your weight loss, WOE, etc. However is she does not want to hear it you shouldn't really push it on her. Try to find other things to talk about, and lead by example.

:goodpost: I, too agree somethings are just better said to certain people and somethings need to go unsaid. It's sad that you can't include her in your joy about this WOE BUT it is her life, her way, and what she does or doesn't do really is none of your business and we all need to honor how another person lives, right or wrong in our eyes. Find a friend who shares your joy about your accomplishments and find other things to share with this friend! :high5:

rndiane 02-10-2013 07:23 AM

This story reminds me of 2 alcoholics who drink together and are the best of friend while they share their compulsion. When one becomes sober, often the friendship slips away. Your friend sees a mutual enjoyment you both shared together as a rejection to her. Also, she isn't at a place where she wants to give up her "alcohol/food" of choice. It will take a strong friendship, time and acceptance from both of you to over come this. It is hard for her as well as you. No one wants to be reminded that they are the weaker one.

reddarin 02-10-2013 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dottie (Post 16250977)
Many times when someone is being successful on a diet/exercise routine, they become almost fanatic lol.

<------- :o heh

reddarin 02-10-2013 08:57 AM

You know, exercise is not required to lose weight with LC but she doesn't know that.

So! You could tell her, "Hey, I was reading some nut say that you could lose weight with zero! exercise!!! Do you want to try it? I'll keep exercising and you just do LC and we'll see who is right."

Maybe that challenge will give her the excuse she needs to try to get off the carbs.

Later, once she's lost some weight, she'll end up at the gym with you.

SadieJack 02-10-2013 09:07 AM

Thanks all... I realize each person's journey is individual. I used to smoke (20 years) and when I quit I made it a point to NEVER bother anyone else who smoked. I know how hard it is to quit. I also know how hard it is to lose weight. So, I really don't say anything about her weight. I suggested a couple times she go to the gym because she was paying for it anyway. After her resistance, I quit.

It isn't her lack of support so much as it is her undermining my progress. It will be a test of our friendship for sure. Thanks for listening. :)

nolcjunk 02-10-2013 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by reddarin (Post 16251179)

So! You could tell her, "Hey, I was reading some nut say that you could lose weight with zero! exercise!!! Do you want to try it? I'll keep exercising and you just do LC and we'll see who is right."

Maybe that challenge will give her the excuse she needs to try to get off the carbs.

Later, once she's lost some weight, she'll end up at the gym with you.

That is a really patronizing approach. No grown woman would fall for that and would be further hurt that her friend is trying to trick her into doing what she thinks is best for her.

DiamondDeb 02-10-2013 09:26 AM

Don't talk to her about weight loss or exercise.

As excited about your progress as you are she is obviously not ready to take the same steps herself. While not meant to, I suspect your comments are stressing her out and making her feel pressured and defensive. Her reactions to your comments unintentionally come across as unsupportive to you.

If & when she is ready she will let you know. In the meantime there are countless other things you can talk about.

biancasteeplechase 02-10-2013 09:43 AM

What you describe doesn't sound like jealousy to me. It sounds like you want encouragement, but she doesn't want to discuss the subject.

Since you can't make her give you that encouragement, I'd suggest getting it elsewhere, and giving her what she wants - a change of subject.

If TexMex is too much temptation for you, you can make a counter-suggestion - maybe you can find someplace you'll both enjoy?

kitnmom 02-10-2013 09:47 AM

i had a different experience, but with a "friend" who was doing the same plan and not having the same success. she was happy when she got what she wanted, no one argued with her and things went her way. Every time i disagreed with her she made me out to be the bad guy. I have ended this relationship and she makes me feel guilty about that. Just remember the things you do need to be for you and your family not her.

lowcarbie 02-10-2013 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadieJack (Post 16250938)
I have a friend who I've known for 20 years now who is becoming a real downer. Both of us are over weight and we used to eat out together quite a bit (which is probably how we got so fat). She is a TexMex freak. I like it, but not everyday!

Anyway...I told her I was doing the low carb and trying to lose weight. I started working out again at my health club. She is not very encouraging. She just kind of "grunts" when I tell her of my weight loss and changes the subject. No encouragement at all. I have tried to get her to go to her health club (which she pays dues on every month), but she won't go.

I know the psychology behind this.... jealousy, etc. But it is still making me upset. I don't want to lose our friendship, but she is really dragging me down. :sad:

Thoughts?


This is sad because a friend should want the best for you no matter what. This is your health that is at stake. Hopefully as you make the changes with low carb, she will be more supportive. You aren't abandoning the things that the two of you do, you will be eating steak and she will be eating chips but you both can still eat out together. It is unfortunate that she is trying to sabotage your efforts at what you want to achieve. Eventually you might have to make a choice, either the friendship or losing the weight and making a lifestyle change.

lterry913 02-10-2013 10:51 AM

I think you just want to go to lunch somewhere she can't sabotage your efforts if I understand your post. The fact that you asked her to go to gym etc just came up in conversation as an optional place to get together and she dissed that idea...if she really wants to get together and remain friends she will meet you half way...or you will have to tough it out and meet her half way. Good luck she is not ready to join you in your efforts yet...if she misses your friendship enough she will learn to compromise on a place to meet. If she is a real friend she will understand you too have weaknesses and can't be around food all the time.

lowcarbie 02-10-2013 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadieJack (Post 16250958)
Thanks...I really don't nag her or bug her that much. And I agree that I should keep this topic off the table. I just wish she was more supportive of MY effort. She tries to sabotage me by asking me to go out to TexMex places and have chips/queso and margaritas. I told her I cannot go (I have no will power with a bowl of chips in front of me) and then she gets upset. Sigh

See, this is jealousy because your friend gets mad because you aren't eating what she wants you to eat. That is jealousy and controlling. Who says you can't eat steak while she eats chips? Your friend should be more supportive of your lifestyle change of eating low carb.

Mistizoom 02-10-2013 10:56 AM

It sounds like she is mourning the loss of what you used to do together - go out to eat at Tex-Mex. She is wanting things to stay the same as they were and you are wanting things to change. Since you are the one making the changes, I think you probably do need to make the most effort in the situation if you want the friendship to survive. Can you do Tex-Mex once a month (or something less than what you used to do but more than you are willing to do now)? Standard order: fajitas, no beans, no rice, no tortillas. You will just need to be strong and avoid the chips and margaritas. Or just do a shot of tequila with lime! Then find another restaurant where it is easier for you and invite her there, see if she is willing to do that. Sorry this is hard on both of you.

reddarin 02-10-2013 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nolcjunk (Post 16251207)
That is a really patronizing approach. No grown woman would fall for that and would be further hurt that her friend is trying to trick her into doing what she thinks is best for her.

:rofl:

It'd work on a guy :)

Liz1959 02-10-2013 11:47 AM

Sadly, sometimes you have to reevaluate friendships. We grow a lot in 20 years, and not always in the same direction. I have had to do this recently, and found that I really have very little in common with my "old friends" and family. Try to have a place in mind to suggest when eating out comes up again, maybe someplace new. Maybe you really don't have anything else to talk about... You may have to focus your energy on more supportive relationship. But don't try to fix her.

Dottie 02-10-2013 12:01 PM

I find Mexican food one of the easiest low-carb places to go.
Steaks (asada), fajitas, grilled meats all with peppers (light on onions since they're carby), homemade salsa, guacamole, sour cream and pico de gallo -all yummy and good for you:)

Spanilingo 02-10-2013 12:17 PM

sounds like you both are defining your relationship around food?

Just because your new WOE is exciting for you, it is usually boring for everyone else....imagine if she came to you as a vegan---

lwcrbldy 02-10-2013 01:07 PM

Hey, I'm a vegan... JUST KIDDING! :P I love red meat/chicken/fish- and yes Mexican food can be very healthy and low carb. I just love the spices and flavors- so any type of fajita flavorings on beef, chicken, fish, shrimp I'm good to go- I don't need any tortilla wraps, I just eat the meat!

As for the the jealous friend- I'm sorry your WOE has become a woe in your friendship- but yes, after 20 years of being friends sometimes we do have to re-evaluate exactly why you're still friends if she is constantly sabotaging your efforts to get healthy. If your friend made some sort of deal with you to work as a team together; to exercise together, to be encouraging and supportive in the pursuit of both of your health, then she's committing a deal breaker and letting you and herself down. Maybe you need to find a new "team player" and maybe you'll find a new friend in the process. If not, then as a friend she's entitled to her opinion and if y'all aren't on the same page, then I'd personally just let it go--- if you're friends, you're friends for other reasons besides food and exercise, right? So try to focus on those things when you're together.

Keep your chin up and stay strong- maybe she'll take the hint if you live AS example while you're sitting there at the table- she, stuffing her face with tortilla chips, and you feeling healthier and stronger (mentally and physically) by NOT stuffing your face with tortilla chips! The hardest part of any type of WOE is having the strength to say NO to someone trying to make you stay the same-- they may be afraid that if you change, the relationship will change... and perhaps that's the real reason why she's sabotaging your efforts. It's good to change for the better and perfectly fine to say NO to something that HASN'T made your life better. If she's truly your friend, she'll do her part to help the friendship evolve rather than see such a long-term friendship end.

Just my two cents. Hope this helps!

Rhubarb 02-10-2013 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistizoom (Post 16251374)
It sounds like she is mourning the loss of what you used to do together - go out to eat at Tex-Mex. She is wanting things to stay the same as they were and you are wanting things to change. Since you are the one making the changes, I think you probably do need to make the most effort in the situation if you want the friendship to survive. Can you do Tex-Mex once a month (or something less than what you used to do but more than you are willing to do now)? Standard order: fajitas, no beans, no rice, no tortillas. You will just need to be strong and avoid the chips and margaritas. Or just do a shot of tequila with lime! Then find another restaurant where it is easier for you and invite her there, see if she is willing to do that. Sorry this is hard on both of you.

I'd say this is what's really going on. I have a similar friendship and coincidentally our problems also revolved around a shared love of Mexican food. I did exactly what Mistizoom suggests --- I agreed to meet at our favorite restaurant, I never said a word about the diet, I ordered a shot of tequila (nobody can accuse you of being no fun when you do that) ate my guacamole with a fork and ordered fajitas. I raved about the food and how much I was enjoying it. At the end of the night my friend said, "wow, you really can eat on this diet can't you?"

Because of that experience, when I go out with friends or even just my husband, I try to demonstrate how much I enjoy what I'm eating instead of making a big deal out of what I can't eat so that people are comfortable with the fact that I eat a little bit differently than they do. I realized they just don't want to feel as if you are being self-righteous and I get that (even though when I turn down bread and dessert it's not because I'm so virtuous --- it's because I don't want to end up more hungry than when I started eating!)

If people see you eating delicious foods with joy and satisfaction they are less likely to feel that you are judging them for eating what they eat. And I think that's something worth trying to do because even though it's tough sometimes because that bowl of chips does beckon, all of us have to figure out ways to combine our way of eating with social interaction. It's part of being human.

Hang in there.

greybb1 02-10-2013 10:05 PM

Have you dieted before and not been successful? She may just be thinking "Oh dear, here we go again."

You just have to keep quiet and show by example rather than talking.

I like salsa with a spoon. :D And I've been known to order enchiladas without the tortilla LOL. Just the filling with the sauce. Yummy!

Avicenna 02-11-2013 01:41 AM

There are some times when friends who, when you decide to set a personal goal and improve your life (whether it is weight, education, personal life, etc), will support you 100% even if they are not doing it yourself because they want to see you succeed at whatever is important to you.

And there are other times when friends get used to the way you are and don't like change (especially as they perceive it relative to themselves - such as when one friend is seeming to get ahead of them). Oftentimes, I've found that in these friendships, when one person changes, the other will eventually find a substitute friend who is similar to how the old friend used to be - or, rather, how they used to see the first friend relative to their own self.

To me, this would be more of an issue of being unsupportive than just a food issue.

In any case, I think it's nice to keep the door open and maybe your friend will embrace your life changes and your commitment to change your life the way you want it to be. I agree that it's probably better not to discuss food/weight loss though - plus, a friendship that centers around talking about food sounds really boring!

Z 02-11-2013 02:14 AM

You're going to have some friends that aren't on board. They will test you, and they don't even really understand how important what you are doing is. From their perspective, they are trying to help give you an excuse to have fun. What she is doing may indeed be intentionally malicious, but not necessarily.

Be polite, but unyielding.

Pro Tip: Never let 'em see you sweat.

Instead of: I wish I could, but I can't have cake anymore.
Try: No thanks! I don't eat cake anymore.

When you go out to eat with your friend, don't suffer through small and unappetizing portions - REVEL in your newfound freedom. 3 eggs and 8 strips of bacon, with a side of butter! No more low fat soy coffee for you: Heavy whipping cream is back on the menu. A shell egg omelette with cheddar, bacon, ham, sausage, peppers, onions, mushrooms? That's health food!

If you keep your carbs low enough for long enough, you'll put up results soon enough.

Enjoy the lifestyle - Lose weight - Never show an ounce of pain.

If you want your friend to want to emulate your efforts, you'll need to bring a big sack of success to the table. Prove that it can be done, that it isn't all suffering and starvation. And as the pounds melt away, reclaim your life, piece by piece. Start doing those things you couldn't do before.

In the meantime, you'll find plenty of people here who will be supportive and encouraging. Your friend is an echo of a harsh reality: With or without her sabotaging your efforts, carbs are everywhere. Donuts and bagels at work; beans, carrots, and parsnips; candy being handed out by friends and family; pizza parties; every birthday will come with a cake ("but it'll hurt little jimmy's feelings if you don't have a piece. and ice cream"). Little jimmy can go jump in a lake. Other people's feelings have no business dictating what you will or will not eat.

There will always be someone throwing carbs in your face. Your only hope for success is to take personal ownership of this decision, and say 'no' with a smile.

coffeelover 02-11-2013 03:43 AM

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and explain how you are serious about getting the weight off and taking charge of your health, etc. and explain to her that you are embarking on a WOE that won't let you drink margaritas, eat chips and salsa, etc. ASK her for her support and tell her that if she wants to eat out with you then you are going to have to go to new places or at least Mexican restaurants where you can incorporate your new WOE. She can go out and drink margaritas with someone else. Anyhow, that would be my approach. Good luck!


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