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jandjsmom 01-19-2013 04:58 AM

Hit goal today but what is wrong with me??
I hit 127 today and while I'm so proud of myself for not giving up and finally, for a rarity, finished something in my life!

I thought that once I hit my goal that I would finally be happy with myself. I know there are so many people that would be ecstatic if they were in the 120's but I still look in the mirror and am not happy. I look in the mirror and say this or that looks awful. Now I think I need to re-adjust my goal to 120 and then I will be happy. But in the back of my mind I know that's not the case. I've had such poor body image my whole life and I'm reallly tired of it!

I want to be happy, I want to feel good about myself, I want to be proud of what I have accomplished but for some reason I still am so critical of myself.

How do you fix this kind of thinking???

Patkid 01-19-2013 05:09 AM

I have no advice or sage words.
I do, however, offer you understanding and lots of hugs.
I find you to be VERY beautiful, but I know that sometimes our mirrors play tricks on us. You may not see what others see.
I hope you find peace.

jandjsmom 01-19-2013 05:28 AM

Thank you Pat for your kind words of encouragement. I don't mean to sound whiney, I guess I just want the support that this board offers so generously! Without LCF I know I would have never made it this far! It has been my "safe place" for so long. Like-minded people full of compassion and encouragement!

Vilya 01-19-2013 05:41 AM

First off, congrats on hitting your goal. That is a fantastic achievement, and you should feel very proud. :)

Second, I can relate to what you're feeling. I'm the thinnest I've ever been as an adult, and I still feel like a fattie a lot of the time. We just get so used to thinking of ourselves a certain way that even when the evidence tells us otherwise, we can't change our thoughts.

Also, I think a lot of us are guilty of thinking, "When I get to X weight, I'll be happy and all my problems will disappear!" And then you get to X weight and you aren't magically fixed, so then you get depressed. It's terrible. :(

I would suggest that you try to live with your goal weight for a while before losing any more. Whenever I start to get too down on myself for not being perfect, I summon my sassy inner cheerleader. She is perky and annoying, but effective. ;) She is good at pointing out all the GOOD changes I've made in my life.

Lastly, re-think what it means to be "happy." There is a lot of interesting reading out there about the American obsession with happiness and what we think it's supposed to be. In the US, we get bombarded day in and day out with messages about how our lives will be perfect if we only have THIS car, THESE clothes, THIS body type. And "perfect" in this country seems to mean being rich and thin (and, increasingly, famous). Well, no wonder so many of us feel unhappy! That's totally unrealistic for the vast majority of us.

Find your happiness in small things. Petting a dog. Doing a random act of kindness for someone. Appreciating a nice day. I know it sounds terribly trite to say that, but it really is about the little things. Lord knows I have to work at it myself, a lot. I'm not a natural Pollyanna. :laugh:

Hang in there, OK? :hugs:

Psmileyf 01-19-2013 05:45 AM

It takes a long time to change your body image. I imagine when you gained weight it took a while until you saw yourself as heavier...it will take a while for your brain to catch up with your body again!

I carry around 2 pictures of me at my worst. They remind me that I don't want to go back there, but they also remind me how far I have come.

zagnut 01-19-2013 06:12 AM

Congrats on your weight loss! You are beautiful! And I know about the image thing. My original goal was 125, I dropped it for the same reason you are giving. I'm still not as happy as I should be, as I'm very critical of myself too. I've been trying to adjust my thinking and now concentrate on toning what I have and becoming fit.
I just started on the road to fitness, and I'm working on setting up other goals of fitness instead of weight loss.
In any case, you are not alone, I guess we just have to find the strength to accept ourselves at some point, which may be harder than losing the weight! :hugs:

clackley 01-19-2013 06:23 AM

:clap:Congratulations on reaching goal!! :clap: It takes time for your brain to catch up to the new you. It will happen.

jandjsmom 01-19-2013 06:33 AM

Vilya...I think you and I would make great friends! I love the way you look at life. All of what you say is sooo true. I don't want to give the impression I'm not happy with my life, because I'm so grateful for all that I have. Last year, through some horrific events in my best friends life, I've realized to be grateful for the things that truly matter (and none of it is stuff!!!) I'm just tired of not being happy with me.....
Thanks for the sweet encouragement!

Paula, you are so right! Finally when my butt hit the seat before I thought it should I knew I had to do something!! It was then I realized how much bigger my body had gotten!

Zagnut..I am with you on fitness. Just last weekend we cleared out my husbands old office (he use to work out of the house) and made it an exercise room. You would not believe all the equipment I've collected over the years!! I've had a great week just going down there, cranking the music and working out! New goal....to be able to do real push-ups and at least one full body pull-up!

Clackley...thank you, you're such a voice of reason around here!!

NH_Free 01-19-2013 06:41 AM

Vilya did a good job of explaining it. :up: Almost all of us go through that when we hit goal. I couldn't see my real size in the mirror and had to see pictures to know what size I really was. For the last couple months I was losing, all I saw was fat bulges in the mirror. Then, suddenly, the last couple weeks, I'll be shaving in the shower and can't believe these are my legs. Or I'll catch my reflection in a store window and not realize it's me for a second because it looks like a thin person! :lol: Your brain will catch up after a while.

It might be better to go by measurements though. I had to adjust my original goal downward by 10 lbs. because when I got there, my waist and thighs were inches bigger than they were at that weight years ago. I was actually maintaining at 125 all summer and thought I was thin enough - until I saw our vacation pictures! I needed to lose another 10 lbs. And now, just bouncing up and down a couple pounds in the past few weeks, my waist has gone down another 1/2 inch and my thighs another 3/8". So you might still lose inches without losing anymore weight too.

DressageLover 01-19-2013 06:42 AM

With regards to weight, I don't think we know what will be quite the right weight for us until we get there. I had thought for years "If I could only get down to 165..." I got there, passed it, got down to 160 and I do look and feel much better. I'm comfortable how I look in normal street clothes, but undressed, I still look like a "before" picture. I definitely have another 10+ pounds of fat on my rear and legs. My goal is to slim down enough where I can feel truly comfortable wearing shorts and swimming (in public!) with my kid this summer - really just because that would be a whole lot of fun. :)
My point in all of this is that I think it is ok to adjust your goal.
HOWEVER, one very important thing to consider is that "Happiness" is something that comes from within us. It has to just be who you are and how you live. It's a choice, an attitude and truly extends from being profoundly grateful for everything you have. True happiness can't be found outside yourself. It's not something someone else can give you, some circumstances can present to you, nor is it something you will find in having thin thighs. I think that if you steer your thoughts and energy to pursuing a healthy, joyful life, you can enjoy bringing your slim, healthy body along for that journey.
Congratulations on all of your success. You are beautiful.

giJ 01-19-2013 07:39 AM

Part of the reason I set my goal by clothing size instead of weight is to try to stave off some of what you’re going through. And it worked, to a limited extent. I looked around at women and figured out what size I thought looked healthy, without being too thin (really, I could have chosen a 6 just as easily, but didn’t really think I’d make 8, must less smaller!). My size 8 body, undressed, is not at all what I thought it would be, and I’m not happy with it.

I would think that at least part of what you have going on is what I refer to as the “eye-brain disconnect” (the technical term is body dysmorphia, when it’s severe enough to reach the level of disorder). You know how, during weight gain, you know you’ve gained weight, but you think you’re hiding it, and then you pass a mirror or (horror of horrors!) see a photograph, and realize the only one you’re hiding it from is yourself. A lot of it is that you see what you’re used to seeing, instead of what’s actually in front of you. Well, the same kind of thing happens during weight loss: you see what you’re used to seeing, not what’s actually in front of you.

Then, there’s the current skeletal culture we see in magazines. An ounce of body fat makes us feel bad. Curves? Bad! And when we’ve been working so hard to get slimmer? Well, at least for me, focusing on my body has, in many ways, made me far more self-conscious than I was at a size 18. Heck, I’m more self-conscious now than I was when I first hit my size 8 goal 2 months ago.

I am going to continue to maintain this weight for a bit – at least in part because I have some of that dysmorphia going on, and in large part because I have a whole, new, fabulous wardrobe in this size and can’t afford to replace it – and do other things to help me feel more comfortable in my own body. Then I will re-evaluate in a few months. Specifically, I’m going to continue doing Pilates, because I like what it does for me, get back to cardio (it’s been too cold to walk outside, and work has been too busy to make it to Pilates 2-3 times a week AND to the gym, since I don’t live very close to either), and take Burlesque classes. I’m not a dancer, and have never been comfortable dancing at all, and I figure Burlesque, being so over the top… well, I’m hoping it’s “shock therapy” for my esteem.

Give it a few months, and see if exercise firms up what you what firmed up, and see if your brain catches up to your body. If it does, you’re used to maintaining and keep going. If it doesn’t, then you can lose another 5, 10, or whatever number you come up with.

Maintenance is hard, for so many reasons. Deciding when to start is only one of them. {{ hugs }}

princessmommy 01-19-2013 07:59 AM

Congrats on your Goal! That's incredible! I have a Big problem with self body image too! I'm 155.2 as of today and I get So many people (friends/family) telling me to Stop losing weight because I look to thin! My face is thin and you can finally see collarbones now But I carry so much weight in my stomach area! My Goal right now is 145 but it may change when I get there. I just want to be in a Healthy range for my 5'5 height.

jandjsmom 01-19-2013 08:06 AM

giJ- I think toning will make a huge difference for me! Burlesque !! Love it. Should be fun. I go to Zumba 3 times a week and LOVE it!!! I've always loved dancing and music though so it is a great outlet for me.

Thanks for responding, I think I must have body dysmorphia to some degree but I just want all of this to stop consuming me. My husband, I think is beyond aggravated with me. He is so supportive, but I think I've worn him out with trying to understand. He tells me everyday, several times a day how beautiful I am and how he wishes I saw myself the way he sees me. I got him laughing though because I told him if I saw myself like that I would probably go everywhere in a bikini to flaunt it!! HaHa!!!

astribling 01-19-2013 10:09 AM

First, congratulations on a great accomplishment! :jumpjoy:

I can totally relate to your body image issues. I have fought my weight almost my entire life, and I'm not sure I can remember a time where I felt totally at ease with my body. Even now when everyone is telling me how great I'm looking I need that reassurance over and over. Some mornings I wake up with a "fear" that the weight is back - unrealistic fear, yes, but it's hard to shake.

So I don't have any words of wisdom, but just know that you are not alone! And I'm just going with what everyone else has been saying, that your mind takes a while to catch up to your body - so I'm waiting!

JanetA 01-19-2013 01:51 PM

I don't have too much to add to encourage you. Others have said it so well. What I want to add is... thanks for posting. Your post and the subsequent replies helped me with my own struggle. So, thanks! I wish you well.

thealything 01-19-2013 02:27 PM

that is an amazing accomplishment! you look great, and I'm one of those who would love to be in the 120s!

maybe focus on non-scale victories? I don't know what your current regimen is, but now that you're at goal, you could focus more on exercise to shape your body, and notice how much better you feel in your clothes. maybe weight training to give you definition. or start a new, more physical skill and revel in how your body gets stronger. you might even get leaner also, although you probably don't need to be ;)

just ignore the scale number and enjoy life!

Trigger828 01-19-2013 02:51 PM

body image. been there. hard to adapt sometimes thinking goal will make us perfect. It does not. but we hope that a few more lbs. might improve that. it won't.

I gained back 50 lbs when I lost 70. One reason I was starving (low fat/low cal).

second was at goal of 158 I was not happy. (I was thin enough. I was size 10. I looked great. felt great.) but in my mind (bad place to be sometimes :)) I kept thinking I should be a size 8. I couldn't achieve it. I had to starve to get into an 8. I got into them for like a week!!!! but I wanted to eat so at some point I said the heck with it. I can't get to my ''perfect'' 8 so why bother. So tempting food and bad images got me gaining again.

the one thing I said on this trip down the scale----I will eat good food and alot of it (and I do!!!!)

and that when I hit size 12 I will be happy and shut the heck up and go with the flow and just start living life to the fullest! I will never let another size down, or a bit of flab here and there ever let me gain this weight back when I lose it again.

stop seeing your flaws. We all have them. Only airbrushed models on cover pages don't have body flaws. and it is not reality.

I am now in the real world. I want my size 18 gone. I want my size 12s on! after that I will be so happy to be there again I will never say I have any more problems with my body. I just won't go there.

hang in there. your eyes will catch up with the real you. embrace that goal!

astribling 01-19-2013 03:50 PM


Originally Posted by Trigger828 (Post 16206693)

stop seeing your flaws. We all have them. Only airbrushed models on cover pages don't have body flaws. and it is not reality.


giJ 01-19-2013 04:06 PM


Originally Posted by jandjsmom (Post 16205956)
giJ- I think toning will make a huge difference for me! Burlesque !! Love it. Should be fun. I go to Zumba 3 times a week and LOVE it!!! I've always loved dancing and music though so it is a great outlet for me.

I am the least coordinated person in the world. With no sense of rhythm. This should be absolutely hilarious. But hey! Laughing (at oneself) burns calories and MUST be good for the core, right? :)


Originally Posted by jandjsmom (Post 16205956)
Thanks for responding, I think I must have body dysmorphia to some degree but I just want all of this to stop consuming me. My husband, I think is beyond aggravated with me. He is so supportive, but I think I've worn him out with trying to understand. He tells me everyday, several times a day how beautiful I am and how he wishes I saw myself the way he sees me. I got him laughing though because I told him if I saw myself like that I would probably go everywhere in a bikini to flaunt it!! HaHa!!!

Here's what I did that ultimately helped me - at least a bit - with the dysmorphia. Because of some volunteer work I do (help homeless dogs find homes), I wind up in photos often, but generally not my face - it's just my body because the focus of the pic is the dogs. When I started seeing photos of my body without my face on it, I could look more objectively at myself. Have your husband take a bunch of pictures of you just doing normal stuff. Then take them and put something over the face. You'd be amazed at what a great body "that" woman has!

Carlye 01-19-2013 04:29 PM


Originally Posted by clackley (Post 16205736)
:clap:Congratulations on reaching goal!! :clap: It takes time for your brain to catch up to the new you. It will happen.

This is what I was going to say, and congrats on getting to goal :jumpjoy:

avid 01-19-2013 05:34 PM

I understand where your coming from.
The scale may be just a number, but it's those numbers that say so much.
I currently weigh 143 lbs. I'm about 5'6" and at 63 years old my weight and girth are
pretty good compared to most men my age.
But I have a small frame. At my current weight I have a noticeable pot belly.
I could stand to lose another 10 pounds or so.
It's all being at the weight/size that we are happy with for ouselves.
I'm not unhappy with my body image, but I keep at it because I need to lose some
excess. It may not be much, especially by today's standards, but it's enough to
keep me on plan.

creseis 01-19-2013 05:45 PM

I'm so happy for you for meeting your goal! I think that we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves to reach this goal, but it's not the only thing that is going to create happiness and well-being. I think that it's always good to have new goals for the future, goals keep us going. So, now that you have reached your weight goal, what can you do now that would not have been very easy before? Is there a hobby or activity that you have always wanted to try?

baileygirl3 01-20-2013 08:42 AM

Congrats on meeting your goal!!! I am yet another one that has a problem with my body image. When I look in the mirror I see the old me looking back. When will I ever see the new me? The real me? All I know is I feel good so I am going to keep trucking along

teri f 01-20-2013 09:08 AM

Congratulations on reaching your goal. That is a wonderful accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself! I struggle and always have struggled with body image. I don't know why. When I was 200+ pounds I was in complete denial about what I looked like. I would wear clothes based on the coverage and how the material draped my body. What I wore had to cover my big belly and butt. I could look in the mirror, close one eye, turn my head to one side and decide that I could pass for a size 8 when I was squeezed into a size 18 or 20 jeans and wore a loose tent for a top. Whats up with that? LOL. Then someone would take a picture of me when I wasn't looking and I would be shocked and horrified. Now that I'm 2 pounds from goal, I still see the huge belly and butt, even though they are non existent. Right now every pair of size 4 pants I have are loose fitting and I will probably be buying size 2's from now on. I constantly expect to wake up and find I'm back in those size 18's and 20's. I still think the size small shirts and sweaters I wear are mis-sized or some kind of fluke. I'm convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm a nut bag...lol. So if anyone figures out how to get the body image problem squared away, please share it with the rest of us!:dunno:

stardustshadow 01-20-2013 04:16 PM

Wow, you should be really happy and proud of yourself for getting to goal! But your body image issues are something we have all gone through and probably still ARE going through. It takes time to heal a lifetime of pain and body dysmorphia!! The mind also has to 'shrink', I think. It has to adjust our mental picture to the new reality, and that takes a while.

Geekin' in Utah 01-20-2013 07:40 PM

My sister-in-law, who lost a significant amount of weight, calls it "the fat person in the mirror". It is completely psychological and, for many, is harder to deal with than the actual weight loss. It is also the voice that can turn into eating disorders.

Keep talking it out. Talk to people honestly about it (just like you did here). Let people complement you. If it isn't getting better, consider seeing a psychologist. Be wary of it turning into an eating disorder. You are a beautiful, healthy 127. Bask in the times you are proud of it, write them down, and read them when you aren't feeling it.

Maryposa 01-20-2013 10:17 PM

When I was 275 and had weight loss surgery my pie in the sky goal was 185, and when I was 355 my goal was 220. I thought I would be doing a happy dance when I got to 185... but I didn't. I was happy, proud... but not ecstatic. My issue is probably different than yours, in that if I go by the weight charts, 155 would be a better weight for me, whereas you probably are in your healthy weight range. BUT I think what allot of people go through is that the mind takes a while to catch up.

It took a long time for me to see my body as it really is. My lowest weight was 169.4 and I actually shared with friends that I felt like if I told people what I weighed they would not believe me, that they would think I was lying (and that I was actually heavier than that). One friend said she actually thought I was a clothing size smaller than I was.

Give it some time where you are for your eyes to adjust... like when you walk out of a movie theater at 2:00pm, or from a lit bathroom back to bed at 2:00am lol

Maryposa 01-20-2013 10:19 PM

PS... Congratulations!!!

jandjsmom 01-21-2013 05:33 AM

I love LCF!!! Ya'll are all so compassionate, thoughtful and full of wisdom! I will cherish this thread and when I'm feeling down on myself I will read through it again.

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to comment and for those of you who shared your own struggles with me. It just helps knowing that others go through this too and not just my own insecuritites!

DiamondDeb 01-21-2013 07:59 AM

I never understand why anyone thinks a number is going to make them happy. Numbers do not have much to do with how one actually looks or feels.

What do you want to see when you look in the mirror? How do you want to feel physically? Focus on those things and think about how you have met those goals - if you have. You need to stop focusing on the way you looked and felt in the past. Think positively all the time. If you do this while losing you are more likely to be happy and realize it when you get where you want to go. After the fact it may take more time to adjust.

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