any one else have trouble getting more than a few good days at a time?

[rubidoux]

I'm sure there are others out there having this problem, but I don't think we're so vocal about it (I know this is the last place I want to come if I'm eating badly), so I feel like I'm the only one. I'm feeling like the goal of losing x number of pounds has just been replaced with the goal of staying on plan for more than 3 days straight. A couple of years ago, I stayed on plan for like 4 mos with no cheats, but in the last six months I've probably started over a dozen times.

Maybe I'll try to keep a running tally of my days on plan in my sig, so I have something to motivate me... Today is day #2.

ETA: Alright, I put two little clappy guys in my sig to represent two days on plan, but in fact I am on day #2, so I think I shouldn't have two until I have gotten through the day. Hmmm... I can hardly stand to get rid of him though. I'm going to leave him, but I won't add #3 until I'm done with day 3.

[A'smommy]

Thank you for feeling brave enough to tell others about your struggles! I feel the exact same way, and I know that for me at least, a feeling of guilt comes over me when admitting that its literally a struggle to get past 3-4 days. You got further with me in staying on plan for an entire 4 months!! I only got to two months before allowing myself a birthday "cheat".. That was in Nov. and its been all downhill from there! I think the sig is a great idea! Those little guys are too cute. Good luck with your weight loss! Your definitely not alone!!

[readyfredy]

I do!

I try not to go off plan because when I do I stay off. I "restart" each morning with the best of intentions and then end poorly. I know that when I actually get one day in, I become so motivated and stick to it! (until the next cheat...)

[Stardust]

Yep I struggle. I've never actually got to the point where it feels easy and I am not hungry But even when I "cheat" and then get back on track, it works, so I know this is the way of life I need to follow.

[someonelikeyou]

You keep that clappy guy right where he is! If he motivates you, use it!

Listen, every day is a struggle in the beginning. But keep in mind the idea of going forward... You have done two days, now make it three.

I've read it takes 21 days to cement a habit. Think of January 28. Would you rather be in that groove or perhaps starting over???

Good luck. Come to the boards often. It helps.

[Mrs S]

I can stay on plan just fine as long as I don't eat out. We eat out friday nights and sunday lunches so mondays are a weigh-in nightmare some weeks. But by friday, I've lost the previous weekend's weight and another pound or two so the system works for the most part. However, if we eat out one additional time, it kind of tanks the week for losses. I've just told DH that we need to eat out less- you know, to save money.

[tandt]

I, too, am struggling. I did great for 1 year, then started straying a few months ago. I have managed to not gain any wait since September, but I have not lost any either. I hope this phase passes soon.

[HealthyWifeForLife]

Story of my life! I honestly am proud if I can get a week in at this point .. I've started and restarted hundreds of times, so this time around I'm doing a more relaxed version of LC where I can occasionally have a piece of fruit, and I'm hoping that helps me. Keep it up - we can do this!

[Trillex]

Good luck, Jayne! You're always so sweet in your posts, so I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. And I hope you continue to do well from this point forward.

I'm just curious -- although I don't want to pry -- what typically drives you off the wagon? Is it temptation? Or cravings? Or stress? Or convenience? Or something else?

I was just thinking that maybe it isn't *you*. Maybe it's the the foods you're eating. I haven't eaten off plan since I started on 11 May BUT I don't feel that I can take credit for any willpower, I just sincerely like this kind of food -- meat and rich foods. Obviously, I don't know you. But maybe if you structure your plan around the things you love eating, you won't be tempted to eat things that are off plan.

I can't remember where I read it -- because my trainer had me read a bunch of books since I started Atkins -- but I remember one of the books saying that if you find yourself quitting and restarting a diet more than twice, then you should change your menu the next time you restart. The point was that most dieters know what foods they can eat "to drop pounds" but that a truly successful long-term strategy doesn't necessarily need to be structured around your most effective pound-loss foods, but should be structured around foods that are compatible with your plan and that you can honestly enjoy for the rest of your life.

Just a thought! Stay strong!

[Atkins Chick]

Perhaps after 10 days on plan, you can replace your clappy guy with great big smile guy... <------------- equals 10 days
So 14 days will look like this
Then, for a month on plan, give yourself this guy.... so 42 days on plan will look like this
Thennnnn..... ONE YEAR on plan can be this guy

[slange66]

Just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm a diabetic wit out of control blood sugar numbers. But can't stay on plan more than a few days. Will continue to check in. Clean eating to everyone in 2013.

[rubidoux]

Thanks for all the support and commiseration!

Originally Posted by someonelikeyou

I've read it takes 21 days to cement a habit. Think of January 28. Would you rather be in that groove or perhaps starting over???

I'm gonna keep 21 days in mind, then, to have something to shoot for.

Originally Posted by Trillex

Good luck, Jayne! You're always so sweet in your posts, so I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. And I hope you continue to do well from this point forward.

I'm just curious -- although I don't want to pry -- what typically drives you off the wagon? Is it temptation? Or cravings? Or stress? Or convenience? Or something else?

I was just thinking that maybe it isn't *you*. Maybe it's the the foods you're eating. I haven't eaten off plan since I started on 11 May BUT I don't feel that I can take credit for any willpower, I just sincerely like this kind of food -- meat and rich foods. Obviously, I don't know you. But maybe if you structure your plan around the things you love eating, you won't be tempted to eat things that are off plan.

I can't remember where I read it -- because my trainer had me read a bunch of books since I started Atkins -- but I remember one of the books saying that if you find yourself quitting and restarting a diet more than twice, then you should change your menu the next time you restart. The point was that most dieters know what foods they can eat "to drop pounds" but that a truly successful long-term strategy doesn't necessarily need to be structured around your most effective pound-loss foods, but should be structured around foods that are compatible with your plan and that you can honestly enjoy for the rest of your life.

Just a thought! Stay strong!

Thanks, Trillex!

Let me tell ya, all sorts of things drive me to eat. Lately it's been stress and anxiety while I'm studying (I'm studying for the california bar and I think it's the most stressful thing I may have ever done, and I used to be a death penalty defense attny, which you would think would be at the top of the stress meter), and also kid related things (I have a 3 yr old and a 9 yr old and we're always going to b'day parties and other places with bad food). I also keep foods in the house for them that are reasonably healthy as part of a toddler diet (although if it were up to me I'd have them eating grain free, hubby and older one are dead set against that though), but tempt me. I think a lot of times I will eat something off plan just because I have this tension around food -- like, I want to be good and stay on plan and there's a real tension in that. If I just go ahead and stuff something in my mouth, then I can relax. I know that sounds awfully backwards. I'm kind of all or nothing, so if I eat something crappy, then I'm "off."

Another part of my problem is that to lose any weight at all and to keep my blood sugar in a good state I have to be VERY restrictive. In some ways that kind of helps. Like, I normally eat either once or twice a day. In some ways that's hard bc I'm not getting a steady stream of yummy food all day. But for me, it is much harder to have just a little yummy food. Once I start I just want more. If I have none, I have a fighting chance, though I often fail at that, too.

I do switch things up a bit. This week my new plan is an egg cream in the afternoon (approx 650 cals, 4 g carb) and a salad at night with lots of fat and protein, minimal carbs (ie, no tomatoes, limited onions). I'm making my own dressings with good oils, my own mayo, etc. And trying to make them hardy. Last night I had lettuce, tuna, a few kalamata olives (cut small to stretch the carbs), feta cheese and a homemade creamy vinaigrette. Tonight I'm thinking taco salad.

I am sort of enjoying these salads because they're new, but truthfully, I don't like any of the foods I can eat very much. I like bread, cake, cookies, but I can't eat those. Meat and cheese and eggs I could give up in a heartbeat. If I work real hard I can make or find some that are yummy, but I would never in a million years look forward to a meal of meat. I do love meat combined with carb, like a good steak and a big baked potato. But the steak alone I could take or leave. I am very jealous of all the people who claim that LC is the best yummiest diet ever. I feel like if that were true for me, I would not be fat. I will always pick the pancakes over the bacon egg breakfast. I will enjoy the bacon and eggs if there's some really nice toast and jelly to go along with it, but alone. Blah.

Originally Posted by Atkins Chick

Perhaps after 10 days on plan, you can replace your clappy guy with great big smile guy... <------------- equals 10 days
So 14 days will look like this
Then, for a month on plan, give yourself this guy.... so 42 days on plan will look like this
Thennnnn..... ONE YEAR on plan can be this guy

Good plan! lol I want to put my third clappy guy in there, but it's only 11 a.m.

Originally Posted by slange66

Just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm a diabetic wit out of control blood sugar numbers. But can't stay on plan more than a few days. Will continue to check in. Clean eating to everyone in 2013.

It's so hard. I think diabetes can make it a lot more challenging, partly because it just becomes such a big head trip. For me, my insulin also triggers hunger and forget it if I go low. I've fallen off the wagon a gazillion times just because I had a low blood sugar. Gah! Don't give up, though. You are totally on the right track with low carb. If you haven't already, definitely read Dr. Bernstein's Diet Solution. Knowledge is power!

[Trigger828]

most days I don't have to 'think hard' about staying on plan.

for me it was simple really. I committed to atkins. it means high carb junk and frankenfoods and sugar are gone. took a bit to accept this but I did.

now I am reverse. I see bread, high carb junk frankenfoods and cringe. I love low carb. It is me now and I am not going back. ever. This is my way of life.

enbrace the long term of your decision that this food is the way to live. as really long term and permanent. not just 3, 4 5 days. if you accept it, want it, maybe it will bring you further down the line on more and more days on plan. and longer on the plan the more you want to stay on plan and get those cravings/etc gone.

[Sunshine 57]

yes,I'm back on induction,but hard to stick it out every day.I've sabotaged by eating popcorn and crackers.Leftover junk from holidays I need to through out.I just can't have it in the house.Getting weighed in 3 weeks at Dr for diet,I really need to lose as much as I can.I regained 40 I lost 2012.Good to know I'm not the only one who caves into cravings.

[Vilya]

I'm going through this right now. I've done great for 14 months, and then the last couple of months it's been a struggle. I am just maintaining right now.

I don't "cheat" with carby stuff, I'm overeating on LC food. But that's stalling me!

I don't know why we can go for so long just fine and then all of a sudden start to have trouble. It's frustrating!

[lterry913]

Originally Posted by slange66

Just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm a diabetic wit out of control blood sugar numbers. But can't stay on plan more than a few days. Will continue to check in. Clean eating to everyone in 2013.

I just wanted the both of you to know that this is not your fault. We were raised to eat a certain way and that way of eating has turned us into carb addicts...sounds harsh but it is true. The reason we fall off the wagon is that our brains and body are detoxing...going through withdrawal...so we are experiencing the same craving an alcoholic or drug abuser would experience except our drug of choice is carbs. Carbs affect the brain in the same manner that drugs do...they release chemical that make us feel good. Your brain will play tricks on you and rationalize bad eating just so it can get it's fix.

Remember this is not our fault but we have to be strong and get through the detox of induction.

Be strong and stay strong...you can do this.

[Trillex]

Originally Posted by rubidoux

I do switch things up a bit. This week my new plan is an egg cream in the afternoon (approx 650 cals, 4 g carb) and a salad at night with lots of fat and protein, minimal carbs (ie, no tomatoes, limited onions). I'm making my own dressings with good oils, my own mayo, etc. And trying to make them hardy. Last night I had lettuce, tuna, a few kalamata olives (cut small to stretch the carbs), feta cheese and a homemade creamy vinaigrette. Tonight I'm thinking taco salad.

I am sort of enjoying these salads because they're new, but truthfully, I don't like any of the foods I can eat very much. I like bread, cake, cookies, but I can't eat those. Meat and cheese and eggs I could give up in a heartbeat. If I work real hard I can make or find some that are yummy, but I would never in a million years look forward to a meal of meat. I do love meat combined with carb, like a good steak and a big baked potato. But the steak alone I could take or leave. I am very jealous of all the people who claim that LC is the best yummiest diet ever. I feel like if that were true for me, I would not be fat. I will always pick the pancakes over the bacon egg breakfast. I will enjoy the bacon and eggs if there's some really nice toast and jelly to go along with it, but alone. Blah.

It sounds to me like you've learned a lot from your past experiences, and that you know your own mind and know what you want. So that seems like a powerful step toward success!

Have you considered one of those low-carb meal delivery plans? When I worked in finance, my company subsidized Weight Watchers compatible meal delivery for employees. I didn't do Weight Watchers, because that diet didn't seem to be compatible with what I enjoy eating. But the delivered meals helped my co-workers -- many of whom were wives and mothers who worked extremely stressful, 14+-hour days -- stay on their plan because they always had a fridge full of food they could eat and because there was a different menu every day, which kept the diet from becoming too boring or annoying. Prepared meals won't make you love steak and hate potatoes, but having a "chef" cook for you might keep things interesting enough to keep you on track.

Just a thought! When you said "lawyer," I thought of my former colleagues and I know that none of them would have stuck to that diet for longer than a day -- given their stress burden and workload -- if they hadn't had the additional support of a kind of "personal chef."

But you're still on track, congratulations! And a taco salad sounds REALLY good!

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by lterry913

I just wanted the both of you to know that this is not your fault. We were raised to eat a certain way and that way of eating has turned us into carb addicts...sounds harsh but it is true. The reason we fall off the wagon is that our brains and body are detoxing...going through withdrawal...so we are experiencing the same craving an alcoholic or drug abuser would experience except our drug of choice is carbs. Carbs affect the brain in the same manner that drugs do...they release chemical that make us feel good. Your brain will play tricks on you and rationalize bad eating just so it can get it's fix.

Remember this is not our fault but we have to be strong and get through the detox of induction.

Be strong and stay strong...you can do this.

Thanks for reminding me of that, Iterry. I've actually been reading drug addict memoirs lately partly thinking about this. It's a lot harder than quitting smoking was (16 years ago now!), and that was nearly freaking impossible. I think I act very much like an addict around food.

Originally Posted by Trillex

It sounds to me like you've learned a lot from your past experiences, and that you know your own mind and know what you want. So that seems like a powerful step toward success!

Have you considered one of those low-carb meal delivery plans? When I worked in finance, my company subsidized Weight Watchers compatible meal delivery for employees. I didn't do Weight Watchers, because that diet didn't seem to be compatible with what I enjoy eating. But the delivered meals helped my co-workers -- many of whom were wives and mothers who worked extremely stressful, 14+-hour days -- stay on their plan because they always had a fridge full of food they could eat and because there was a different menu every day, which kept the diet from becoming too boring or annoying. Prepared meals won't make you love steak and hate potatoes, but having a "chef" cook for you might keep things interesting enough to keep you on track.

Just a thought! When you said "lawyer," I thought of my former colleagues and I know that none of them would have stuck to that diet for longer than a day -- given their stress burden and workload -- if they hadn't had the additional support of a kind of "personal chef."

But you're still on track, congratulations! And a taco salad sounds REALLY good!

I didn't even know there were low carb meal delivery plans! I am pretty broke right now, but I'm gonna keep it in mind for when I'm not.

I'm actually looking forward to tonight's dinner. I decided against taco salad (need to pick up some ranch dressing for that!), so I'm going to have another greek salad with feta, kalamata olives, onions and a really yummy dressing I just made (1T ketchup, big dollop of homemade olive oil mayo, 1/2 T apple cider vinegar, and some ezSweets -- turned out just like I wanted!
), and -- as terrible as it sounds, I love it, LIVERWURST w some mustard on the side.

There are only a couple of low carb foods that I love and crave and those are buffalo wings with GOOD blue cheese and liverwurst. lol I'd actually rather have the liverwurst on some nice crusty bread, but I can eat it with a fork, too.

[canadiangirl]

This is what keeps me motivated. Ketosis! It takes 2-3 days for me to get into a good ketosis. One little cheat will knock me back out so then here I am again having to stay strong for 2-3 days before I can enjoy the benifits of ketosis. Once I am in ketosis I am way too stuborn to let a little cheat shoot me back to the starting line. I used to be a weekend cheater and my problem is limits so my mind set was if I had a small cheat in the morning then I am out of ketosis and might aswell eat whatever I want until tomorrow. so I would start fresh on Monday, Ketosis by Wednesday just to lose the weight I packed on over my weekend binge to start the whole cycle all over again on Saturday. This time around I have learned how to eat like this always. I try new recipes, I eat at restaraunts, I really enjoy food but the low carb kind. The only things that I am really going without is potatoes and bread which really are just fillers anyways. I don't feel deprived at all and that coming from me is big since I put so much value on food.

[alabama sunshine]

I have been here for years getting on plan sometimes for months and one slip up I'm off plan for maybe a week or two.I have come to realize that if I keep on starting over I'm never gonna get to that finish line.So we have to stop wating time and get it done for our health,to be a new you,I know I'm missing so much of life so I got to get it done.

[sooshi]

Life gets much easier once you drop into ketosis and your appetite is under control, but getting there can be hard.

Can you permit yourself to eat as much and as often as you want when you restart, that way you can eat only on-plan food and keep your cravings served. Once ketosis has kicked in, the ride will get much easier and you can control the amount you eat?

[alonewithyou]

I struggle too. I started again today. Did one month last time before Christmas. Bad timing I guess... I lasted many months a couple of years ago though.

I recommend to track everything. Write it down! Or google online food trackers.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by alabama sunshine

I have been here for years getting on plan sometimes for months and one slip up I'm off plan for maybe a week or two.I have come to realize that if I keep on starting over I'm never gonna get to that finish line.So we have to stop wating time and get it done for our health,to be a new you,I know I'm missing so much of life so I got to get it done.

So true! If we could only add up all of our 2 and 3 day long attempts, we'd be skinny.

Originally Posted by sooshi

Life gets much easier once you drop into ketosis and your appetite is under control, but getting there can be hard.

Can you permit yourself to eat as much and as often as you want when you restart, that way you can eat only on-plan food and keep your cravings served. Once ketosis has kicked in, the ride will get much easier and you can control the amount you eat?

Ya know, I actually have a crazy easy time getting into ketosis. I don't know why that is and it wasn't always that way for me. I used to totally go through the two days of feeling like crap and then on third day all of the sudden feel euphoric and NOT hungry. Now I just straight into the appetite suppression by mid day on day one. I feel quite energetic right off the bat (by the end of day one at least) but not euphoric like I used to, but maybe that's because I am used to it. I never have any kind of ketosis flu or whatever they call it anymore -- no headache or sluggishness. I'm not sure if this could be just because my body has gotten better at switching over to using ketones since I've amassed a pretty good amount of time in ketosis (many years ago I actually managed to go for almost four years being in ketosis the vast majority of the time) and have been in and out a gazillion times or maybe it is because I have come to the understanding that it is all about the fat. Fat is your friend, especially those first few days.

Originally Posted by alonewithyou

I struggle too. I started again today. Did one month last time before Christmas. Bad timing I guess... I lasted many months a couple of years ago though.

I recommend to track everything. Write it down! Or google online food trackers.

Good luck, alonewithyou! Day one can be rough. I agree about writing thing down. Right now I'm working really hard on my stupid blood sugar so I am writing everything, but it's so much work!

Anyhow... I am on day FIVE now! That's really something. Still thinking about that 21 days to make it a habit. After that I think I'm gonna have to bribe myself with expensive gifts.

[alonewithyou]

If you find this diet so hard, perhaps it's not for you? For me it was easier when I didn't have a bf, because with him I feel really good no matter what! You know? So I guess it's all in our heads

Tell yourself the reasons to why you are doing it, and remember that you can do it!

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by alonewithyou

If you find this diet so hard, perhaps it's not for you? For me it was easier when I didn't have a bf, because with him I feel really good no matter what! You know? So I guess it's all in our heads

Tell yourself the reasons to why you are doing it, and remember that you can do it!

There is really no other way to eat if you are diabetic. But, the truth of the matter is that I would hate low fat more and would be worse about it. I definitely have the problem of carbs making me more hungry and wanting more carbs. So, I think, even though this diet seems barely do-able to me, it is more so than any other. I'm screwed! lol But, I would love to be in a place where diet was not foremost in my mind. I think to get there I have to come to terms with this just being the way it is.

That's awesome that you feel really good no matter what with your BF! He sounds like a keeper. I've been with my hubby now for 23 years and I remember that feeling. lol It's not that he doesn't make me feel good or that I don't enjoy spending time with him, but you kinda get used to it and it becomes your baseline, I think. And he doesn't make it any easier to get my bar studying done, unfortunately.

[eterprincess]

I am struggling, just starting again for the first time, broke for a cupcake on day 4. Determined to do better, but sometimes its hard at work

[alonewithyou]

Originally Posted by rubidoux

There is really no other way to eat if you are diabetic. But, the truth of the matter is that I would hate low fat more and would be worse about it. I definitely have the problem of carbs making me more hungry and wanting more carbs. So, I think, even though this diet seems barely do-able to me, it is more so than any other. I'm screwed! lol But, I would love to be in a place where diet was not foremost in my mind. I think to get there I have to come to terms with this just being the way it is.

That's awesome that you feel really good no matter what with your BF! He sounds like a keeper. I've been with my hubby now for 23 years and I remember that feeling. lol It's not that he doesn't make me feel good or that I don't enjoy spending time with him, but you kinda get used to it and it becomes your baseline, I think. And he doesn't make it any easier to get my bar studying done, unfortunately.

That's true about the diabetic part. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle! remember that. The food has healing powers, carbs are toxic to everyone and anyone, and especially you. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is.

Yes, he's a keeper I think we're already at a baseline point we're really laid back and NOT shy towards each other. ha! You should tell your hubby to stay away so you can do important stuff too! Make a schedule or something.

I usually go in the kitchen and bake or something if I need to be alone. Which isn't very often.

[Arctic_Mama]

I haven't struggled in recent months but I so sympathize, because I certainly have in the past! Low carb freed me from that cycle, but it just feels awful to be in the funk where staying on plan is a feat of will and quite laborious . You are doing SO well in being accountable and I hope you get up momentum and get over this hump ASAP

[Arctic_Mama]

Originally Posted by Trillex

Good luck, Jayne! You're always so sweet in your posts, so I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. And I hope you continue to do well from this point forward.

I'm just curious -- although I don't want to pry -- what typically drives you off the wagon? Is it temptation? Or cravings? Or stress? Or convenience? Or something else?

I was just thinking that maybe it isn't *you*. Maybe it's the the foods you're eating. I haven't eaten off plan since I started on 11 May BUT I don't feel that I can take credit for any willpower, I just sincerely like this kind of food -- meat and rich foods. Obviously, I don't know you. But maybe if you structure your plan around the things you love eating, you won't be tempted to eat things that are off plan.

I can't remember where I read it -- because my trainer had me read a bunch of books since I started Atkins -- but I remember one of the books saying that if you find yourself quitting and restarting a diet more than twice, then you should change your menu the next time you restart. The point was that most dieters know what foods they can eat "to drop pounds" but that a truly successful long-term strategy doesn't necessarily need to be structured around your most effective pound-loss foods, but should be structured around foods that are compatible with your plan and that you can honestly enjoy for the rest of your life.

Just a thought! Stay strong!

That's been absolutely true for me - I spent the entire holidays on vacation and eating with family and at restaurants, and still didn't go off plan or even feel particularly tempted, because I wasn't deprived at all - I love my food! When the blood sugar rollercoaster was taken out of the equation and I was armed with knowledge, it was just a matter of taking it meal by meal and has been quite simple since then.

I just wish I hadn't had to toil with calories in/calories out/low fat for three YEARS before finding low carb

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by alonewithyou

That's true about the diabetic part. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle! remember that. The food has healing powers, carbs are toxic to everyone and anyone, and especially you. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is.

That is a serious motivation for me (I don't think I would be doing this if it wasn't good for my diabetes), but it also depresses me in a HUGE way that this is it for the rest of my life (unless I decide that life isn't worth living w/o carbs, which I won't). That is really heavy for me. I need to really come to terms with the fact that I am not going to get almost any enjoyment out of food at all in my life. I think at some point I will accept that and will really incorporate that into my mind set in an honest and straightforward way and then I can move on to the important things in life... At least that's how I hope it'll work.

Originally Posted by Arctic_Mama

I haven't struggled in recent months but I so sympathize, because I certainly have in the past! Low carb freed me from that cycle, but it just feels awful to be in the funk where staying on plan is a feat of will and quite laborious . You are doing SO well in being accountable and I hope you get up momentum and get over this hump ASAP

Thanks! I hope that someday I will feel as comfortable and free with this as you do. I often think that when I see your posts.

I agree that I'm doing well. I know that there are places in this thread where I sound pretty whiney about things, but I kinda think that is part of coming to terms with what I have to do. It's not where I want to be ultimately, but I am closer than I have been in the past.