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Old 08-26-2012, 07:03 PM   #1
I'm not fat, I'm fluffy
 
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I feel cheated and lied to...

So here's my short history... For years I was low carb and hubby wouldn't join me... Then one day he joined me on his own after I have up trying to get him to join me... Well he loved it dropped weight fast... Then we switched to paleo a little more then a year ago,.he loved that even more, dropped a little more weight but was still happy.. Now he's gained, never losses (he's still like 60lbs away from a healthy weight).. Well today I'm with his mom and she tells how her son is depressed,.and carb binges constantly when ever I turn my back and I shouldn't force my ways on him...
I feel so cheated and lied to... This wol is so important to me, what should I do?
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Old 08-26-2012, 07:11 PM   #2
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Well first question is "do you accept your husband for who he is?" If yes then don't worry about how he eats. I would sit down and talk to him and tell him how hurt you are that he felt he needed to go behind your back.

Now if you don't accept his choices.... Well I think that's a topic for a different forum.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:08 PM   #3
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I'd talk to him and tell him how you feel. That it hurt a Lot of find out that he'd lied and if he doesn't want to eat LC then it's ok, that you just want him to be healthy.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:22 PM   #4
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He may not have "lied"... he may love lowcarb and want to do it, but (like many on this board) may stuggle with binge eating and is embarassed and hiding the behavor out of shame.

Just talk to him in a loving, non-confrontational way.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:58 PM   #5
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He is no different than a lot of us. We lose and something comes over us (food) and we are off the wagon.
He probably feels real bad about gaining, just like some of us. He probably is depressed with that. He might really feel bad about leting both of you down.
He`s not doing it cuz he wants to gain it all back anymore than any of us. He might really need your partnership right now more than ever if he is hurting and not careing to think about it and do anything, as it hurts too much. He might laught it off, but underneath he probably dosn`t think it funny at all.
He might just not be ready for this again for awhile. It`s his life and decision. I am sorry for all you have put in this for him but it just didn`t work this time.
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Old 08-26-2012, 09:06 PM   #6
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Kerry: He is an adult..Just keep doing what you are doing. Mention that you know he is cheating and you were sorry to hear that, but you are not the Food Police.

You can only change yourself..

My dh lost a bunch of weight on LC..then he started gaining (at lunch/travelling)..I said nothing, just kept cooking LC meals for me and he ate them at home. This January he
started back on plan 100 percent and lost 24 pounds.
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Old 08-26-2012, 09:12 PM   #7
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Your husband had to lose weight for him, not for anyone else. If he feels pressured to do what you are doing of course he will binge when you are not around.
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Old 08-26-2012, 10:16 PM   #8
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You've gotten good advice so far. Remember this is not about you.
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:51 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerry View Post
So here's my short history... For years I was low carb and hubby wouldn't join me... Then one day he joined me on his own after I have up trying to get him to join me... Well he loved it dropped weight fast... Then we switched to paleo a little more then a year ago,.he loved that even more, dropped a little more weight but was still happy.. Now he's gained, never losses (he's still like 60lbs away from a healthy weight).. Well today I'm with his mom and she tells how her son is depressed,.and carb binges constantly when ever I turn my back and I shouldn't force my ways on him...
I feel so cheated and lied to... This wol is so important to me, what should I do?

You nailed it!!

Your husband hid it because this is so important to you. I am guessing given the words you used like "cheated" and lied to, that it is MORE than just important to you. He didn't want to disappoint you, let you down, didn't want to deal with you judging him OR feels like he failed you. Thats sad that he should feel such guilt and shame over food.

For many people, food, dieting, weight, body size, self control etc...holds a moral value and a long history full of guilty baggage. We are often judged based on food/body.

What to do? First, what are your choices? You COULD:

-Stay with him and shame him into eating well. Check his blood sugar levels and have him pee on ketostix! Look upon him with scorn at meals.

-Apologize for being such a battle axe and eat a twinkie !

- Accept him. Apologize and find new ways to make him feel loved and supported.

-Change your OWN woe. Why is your WOE more important than his?

-Divorce him because your WOE is more important than his WOE

-or maybe he could divorce you because your WOE is so important and he wants someone who finds him so important.

You are using words like "cheated" about your husbands eating. You BOTH have to figure out if this WOE is healthy for your marriage. Both physically and emotionally.

If he accepts your WOE, can you accept his? What would you do if he demanded you eat ding-dongs and you had to hide that you didn't eat bread?

Ask yourself, is this REALLY about food and your WOE or is it about something more (power/control).

Good luck to you!!!
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Old 08-27-2012, 03:49 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Randi View Post
Your husband had to lose weight for him, not for anyone else. If he feels pressured to do what you are doing of course he will binge when you are not around.
Agreed.

People have to choose to eat healthy, or not, for themselves. Same applies to exercise, taking pride in themselves, etc.

A person has to WANT to change for the better, and the desire to change has to be for the right reasons, but most importantly, it has to be for themselves.

You can set an example. You can be a positive influence. But HE has to be the one to finally say it and do it.

I know from firsthand experience.

I empathize with you. It's not easy eating clean and exercising "solo" when you live with someone who doesn't take it seriously. Yes, it hurts.

Just do what is best for you. Decide what's important TO YOU. And leave the rest alone.

You want to be a better you? Then do it for yourself.
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:04 AM   #11
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How painful that he confides this in his mother and couldn't talk to his wife about it. It's time for a sit-down with him. Your marriage is more important than what exactly goes into your husband's mouth.
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:10 AM   #12
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Something similar has happened to me. In my case, I sometimes come across as overbearing and no one is more surprised than I am to hear it, I think I am just passionate about health now that I feel I know what to do. I have to back off and show my more loving/accepting side when this happens.
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:40 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerry View Post
I feel so cheated and lied to...
He should feel like that, not you. He cheated himself and lied to himself, you are not his controller so he's not obligated to tell you what he eats, but he definitely cheated on himself.
Now I am one of the least supportive people when it comes to understanding someone depressed about his own weight. Heck! Take your (his) life in your hands, do something! Getting depressed and doing nothing is losing the battle already, then why to keep going anyways?
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Old 08-27-2012, 05:41 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Strawberry View Post
He may not have "lied"... he may love lowcarb and want to do it, but (like many on this board) may stuggle with binge eating and is embarassed and hiding the behavor out of shame.

Just talk to him in a loving, non-confrontational way.
This exactly. He may have been too ashamed to tell you or show you what he is doing, so he ran to a safe place to do it: at his mom's.

I don't think he lied to you, I think he was trying to spare your feelings. People do things in ways we often don't understand when they are depressed.

This might cheer you up: My brother and his wife have been LC for many, many years. When they first started when my brother was in college, his wife came home one day, pulling into their parking garage and just noticed him sitting in his car. She was curious, so she snuck around to the passenger side, ripped the door open and discovered my brother...eyes like a cow looks at an oncoming train...with a box of ding-dongs and chocolate all over his face and hands! She said she'd never laughed so hard in her life! Especially when he was trying to explain himself.

Point is, people make mistakes, they deviate, but trying to keep this way of eating (or any new way of eating) up while you're depressed is extremely difficult for a lot of people. Men don't often share their feelings because it makes them feel vulnerable and open. I'd suggest creating a safe place for him to talk to you, let him know its OK, so he will open up to you more and not hide these things anymore. You'll just have to love him the way he is now, depressed and eating off-plan, and just keep creating that warm, loving environment that will invite him back in when he's ready.

Remember never to chastise him for what he's done, simply say "When you're ready to join me again, I'd love to have you with me through this." That's it.

Love and patience will always win out.
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:20 AM   #15
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I think Mamabear6 hit the nail on the head. It's very hurtful when your husband confides in his mom (or really anyone except you, his best friend). Especially when he's talking about you.

But remember, even well meaning mother-in-laws can be a little meddlesome when it comes to their "babies". Your husband may have said, "I sometimes miss french fries and cookies so much, but I do feel better since Kerry and I made the decision to eat healthier."

But all your mother-in-law heard was, "I miss french fries and cookies, and now I can't have them because Kerry talked me into eating low carb."

That's why you have to talk to your husband to see how it really went down.

Also, remember that when your husband sees his mom, she's probably offering him food. Probably at least a few things he has loved since he was a child. Hard to turn that down when it's right in his face; especially when his mom is letting it be known that her feelings will be hurt if he doesn't eat it. So for your mother-in-law to admit that the current way the two of you eat is actually better for him, may seem to her like admitting she may have unknowingly contributed to his weight gain. Realizing that you may have hurt your child in any way, large or small, hurts a parent's heart. All we can do is do better.

Last edited by theLossgirl; 08-27-2012 at 06:26 AM..
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:30 AM   #16
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I didn't yell our badger him, I asked him about it, told him if he didn't want to do it anymore I understand... (you guys are forgetting I didn't ask him to do this with me, he decided on his own...)
I actually was very understanding, and maybe if wheat and gluten didn't make me ill I wouldn't be so serious about my wol....
Anyway he got very defensive, yelled at me to shut up, and told me it was a mistake,.he loves our way of eating, and he doesn't want to stop...
But I honestly don't believe him...
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:32 AM   #17
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And he didn't confide in her... He's been doing it openly infront of her... Just like how he ”quit smoking” but just has to have one all the time around her cause she smokes...
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:35 AM   #18
I'm not fat, I'm fluffy
 
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Our 6 year old told me about a week ago that her day eats bagles... And when I asked him about it he turned it on her.. She was very confused and upset, so I had a feeling before my mil told me...
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:51 AM   #19
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I understand your feelings of betrayal. He is an addict and displaying those very same behaviours that addicts have. As others have pointed out - he is an adult and he has to be the one to make the change and no amount of preaching is going to help.
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:52 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerry View Post
And he didn't confide in her... He's been doing it openly infront of her... Just like how he ”quit smoking” but just has to have one all the time around her cause she smokes...
Okay, offering him food that she may or may not know is bad for him is one thing. But even if his mom smokes, she KNOWS cigarettes are poison. She knows he "quit", which should make her relieved and happy. Does he keep a pack on him, or does she have to actually give him one? Why wouldn't he just pass on something so obviously health hazardous like that (and why wouldn't she encourage him to)? There's some dynamic there...

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Old 08-27-2012, 08:06 AM   #21
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I hope this doesn't sound harsh like I'm not hearing you or affirming your right to have feelings. I don't mean that at all. But, the thing to remember here is that this isn't about you. It's about him.

I don't know if you ever struggled with compliancy issues or ever fought the cheat monster or binge monster or not? It's an ugly ride and huge opponent for many. Some lcers are blessed by the ability to start this woe and not ever have a temptation to stray. They stay on plan, focused, intently purposed and reach goal with little problem. Others are able to half-ass it. That is, to cheat here or there when they feel a whim and yet are able to get right back to the plan and work it and overcome those cheats, still lose weight and reach goal.

Others, are easily tempted, derail and then find it hard to get back into a focused pattern and routine. They get increasingly irritated with the plan and themselves and get angry about the restrictions they (or others) are placing on their eating. And they start beating themselves up with each successive cheat.

It sounds like your husband chooses to blame you for his cheating and for the way of eating. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions. It also sounds as if he is down on himself too cuz of the binging.

He's got a wicked wild blood sugar rollercoaster thing going on with his eating right now. If he isn't diabetic, he's probably pre-diabetic and the insulin is swingin like a pendulum. When and while that is happening, it takes immense effort and desire to combat those swings. It's as much physical at that point as it is emotional/psychological.

I would sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know you understand and support him and want to make life easy for him as his partner. Ask if he knows what he wants from you from a support standpoint. If he no longer wants to eat low carb or Paleo. Fine. You continue eating in a manner that benefits you. If he wants carbs, make them for him. That's it. That's you entire responsibility. Make him what he wants. Just because he doesn't eat like you, that's ok. It's his choice, not yours.

All we can do in life is try to make the next best choice for our own personal self. It's painful to watch someone we love make sucky choices. But it's their choice and isn't a reflection of us although it may impact us. You simply must let him know that you respect his decisions but don't have to agree with them. Let him know you won't judge him for his actions but will support him in what he needs - you just won't join him in poor decisions.

And remind yourself over and over, this isn't about you.
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:30 AM   #22
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The mention of depression combined with his defensiveness and how betrayed you seem to feel over this makes me think you guys should consider going to a couples therapist.
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:37 AM   #23
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i think Strawberry was right on the $$$...

with her advice. I think these days, it is even easier to come out of the closet, than to admit you have some sort of eating disorder. It was not meant as deceit. Love & Profits: FLATFERENGHI
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:38 AM   #24
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I am so sorry! I know you must feel hurt. I wish I had some words of wisdom that weren't already shared, so I am gonna offer a friendly hug. Good luck to you and your hubby, I hope you can meet in the middle...
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:34 AM   #25
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He can eat whatever he wants... He can make it himself... I'm not making a meal for me and my kids, and a special meal for him...
Im the one who works all day, while he stays home with the kids...
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:34 AM   #26
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most people who try to stick to a restricted diet cheat, I think. and most of them hide it from other people, period, not just their carb-fearing wives... I know there are times in the past I have lied and said I was only eating some diet plan and yet snuck other food when I was alone. how awful/embarrasing, etc! it is one of my main goals in this last 3-year plus round of low carbing to be honest about this stuff. so far so good, but it's almost harder than eating right!

it's not a great thing, but I think it's pretty common. try not to feel it's about you.

on the positive side, he may be keeping the carbs away from you because he knows how bad it is to tempt someone who is being good and following their plan.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:36 AM   #27
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I don't care what he does.... But I don't appreciate being lied to about it......., I'm so against lying and he knows that...
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:26 AM   #28
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So, do you think he is depressed? Truly medically depressed? That needs to be addressed.
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:33 AM   #29
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IF he wants help sticking to LC, maybe he should get an account here. Its super helpful. Its hard to think that you are the only one eating this way. This site gives me a reality check. I usually pop back in after a day close to 100g carbs (a lot for me, yet not all the USA) I realize its not that bad when I get here and I can fix it the next day!

ETA: and sorry about the deception. Hopefully its just addict behaviour, and not actually trying to undermine you.

I have had a stay at home husband. It sucked for him. He felt really bad about himself as a man, so he decided that life was not for him and tried to get a job again when I got out of the military, but in a recession employers did not appreciate his efforts in our home and just saw it as "not working for 5 years", and he had a heart attack and passed away. Also we were very carby back then, so comine stress and diet and maybe depression and he could maybe have a real problem. At least for my late husband "role reversal" really hurt him somehow no matter how much I encouraged him and told him how valuable he was. I really hope you all fix this and get him healthy!
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:42 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerry View Post
I don't care what he does.... But I don't appreciate being lied to about it......., I'm so against lying and he knows that...
I know that all of the other posters are right, this is about him and not about you. I am constantly amazed at how mature and insightful the comments on LCF's are. It's clear this is not anyone's first rodeo.

BUT that being said, If I found out my husband had been lying to me about being low carb when he actually wasn't...well, I would be PISSED! I mean, occasionally he pigs out on a huge bowl of fruit and I have to just go about my business and roll my eyes (to myself). But if I found out he was eating bagels and complaining behind my back to HIS MOTHER- I would be hopping mad. I mean, why not just discuss with me? I would be hurt, too. I'm just sayin'... I understand how you must feel.

On a brighter note- I'm sure as long as you two talk (maybe with a counselor if this is some kind of pattern, which it kinda sounds like it is, with the smoking and all) I'm sure you can figure out a respectful solution between the two of you.

Good luck,
Leslie
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