Am I weird for wishing this?

[brimmy]

This may sound strange, but I'm curious if anyone else feels the same way. Over the last 16 months of my weight loss journey, I have often times wished that I had a friend that could have been brutally honest with me at how i looked to an outside observer. Like at which points they noticeably saw me changing from a morbidly obese person, to a big obese person, then just obese, then overweight, on to a bigger person, then to slightly above normal, then to normal.

We are our own harshest critics in the mirror, and our friends and family are usually over the top supportive no matter what we look like. I wish there was something in the middle where I could go to get an honest and unbiased opinion on how I looked.

Part of this stems from the fact that my weight loss journey was jumpstarted when my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me citing my weight as one of the reasons. I knew I was overweight by that point, I had gained a fair amount while we were together, but I thought I was so lucky to have someone that cared about me no matter what, even through my struggles with my own health. Now I know that my weight was probably not the actual reason for the breakup, or at least not the whole story, but it got me to thinking either way.

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter if it's our own reflection, or what our friends and family tell us, our image is going to be distorted to some degree. I suppose the best I can hope for is the recommendations my doctor writes on my charts to assist in weight loss, which seem to appear when my weight goes up.

There once was this girl in a class of mine that told me that if I were to lose a bit of weight, and put on a little more muscle she thought I'd be pretty attractive. When I told my friends this, they took it as such a heinous insult and badmouthed her. To this day, what she said has probably been one of the most motivating things anyone has ever told me with regard to my weight.

[teacherfish]

I don't think you can win either way. I don't think any of us dealing with our weight really thought we were looking our best. My BFF tells me he loves me thick or thin but knows I love myself better if I feel attractive.

[fireflyfaster]

I think it's truly a YMMV kind of thing. I know many women here have cried after being told "you'd be beautiful if you lost weight" -- perhaps it's different for a guy, being told that by a woman.

I can absolutely appreciate your desire for that hypothetical honest-without-intent-to-harm observer, however, I'm not sure I would have wanted one. I knew quite well how awful I looked, and if I overestimated how much better I was looking along the journey, it was because I really needed that self-confidence to stay the course.

I must admit it certainly wouldn't have motivated me to return to LC a day sooner -- there was some deep subconscious personal alchemy involved to finally, finally trigger that switch, that had nothing to do with well-meaning suggestions.

[brimmy]

Yeah, I honestly don't fault anyone for erring on the side of caution. I suppose it's just my personal preference to brutal honesty. I suppose even looking at it from my perspective it'd be hard to bring myself to ever tell someone that they could look better.

[brimmy]

I think part of it is out of my curiosity how smokers, anorexics, alcoholics, and gamblers are all often told such harsh things because people "just want to help". Yet this same mentality is almost the polar opposite when it comes to obesity, when things like heart disease are one of the biggest killers.

[mom2crzyboyz]

I know I might get bashed for this but I always thought it would be a great thread if you have people take pictures of themselves getting closer to their goal and find out if maybe they should lose more or if it is enough. Family and friends always say "you look great how you are" and I dont feel like I am getting the truth. Some people say "its how you feel about yourself that matters" guess I am a little less confindent in my opinion Due to the fact people can choose to be a part of the thread and put their pic up they are asking for opinions.....just a thought

[SugarPop]

Hmmm.......That's a tough one, mostly because every person's ideal will be different.

I work at a dance club once a week. With my weight loss lately I have been getting numerous comments from the clients. They all have a different gauge though. Last week I had some say not to lose any more, that I " looked like a million bucks". I had one person who hadn't been there in months say "Are you alright?".......he thought my health was in jeopardy.....and later asked me how much more I wanted to lose. I told him at least 25 more pounds. His response was "25 more pounds? You look great now, but with 25 more gone you'd be a knockout!" I have others that say "Keep up the good work"

I think in the long run you just have to use the picture you envision in your mind of the way YOU want to look. I use clothing to make me look my best.......I like to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I think when you look good you feel good - that's what it's about.

B

[Looweewoo]

I have a friend who does tell me honestly what he thinks without cruelty of intent and it helps me greatly. He used to be obese and now keeps it off with bouts of LC and weightlifting. It does hurt sometimes but I have learned to just use his filterless comments as a sort of a photograph (we all know how brutal those can be).

[michelle120]

For me it was a bit ironic in terms of the timing of my loved ones brutal honesty of my weight. When I was heavy, even as a child I was told right then and there that if I wanted to make friends and feel good I need to lose weight right away, but the ironic thing was when I actually did lose some weight the same people would freak out automatically and tell me to stop losing, or that I look fine now at 10 pounds lighter, even though I knew with all my heart I was still significantly overweight...

I totally get what you mean by wishing to have at least one person throughout your whole weight loss journey that will be brutally honest with you no matter what and let you know what they REALLY think...even now, when I have lost abt 20 pounds, but I know I need to lose at least another 25 pounds to look normal weight, I have people saying to me you don't have to lose any more weight...which I completely don't agree with b.c just taking one look at me you can tell I'm still overweight...so having that person that will tell you, "um..sorry to break your bubble, but you DO need to lose a tad more weight" would be brutal, but at least honest...ya know?

[brimmy]

I guess in an ideal world it'd be nice to have brutal honesty, but i suppose it's really dependent on what mood you're in on how you'd take it. If you're already doing great, then it can be motivation to keep going, but if you're having a really bad day it could push you over the top and possibly make you quit. One of the things that people say to me that I take as motivation is when they call me "big guy". It's an endearing term, but I also know that it's not for the sole reason that I'm tall. People didn't call me that when I was 200 pounds.

[junkfoodmonkey]

I suppose it's a matter of timing too. If you weren't overweight before, and then put on a few pounds over a year or so, a bit of brutal honesty shouldn't hurt too much and you have a fair chance of sorting it out before it gets out of control.

On the other hand if you've been overweight since you were a kid, or you're 100lb overweight and it took you a decade to get there it's probably a bit too late for a friend to say "buddy, you're fat". You know that! At that point you want good ideas about what to do about it, not be told something you already know.

[alex57]

This is an interesting point you've brought up. I do think we, or a least I, probably don't see ourselves realistically. I have thought it might be helpful if I could get a comparison. For instance, have pointed out to me someone who has my body size or shape. Honestly of course. I think we would get a clearer picture and be more able to decide for ourselves as to what we need to do in able to be reasonably happy with ourself. We may be surprised and not be as over weight as we thought or..... maybe more so.

[little3chordme]

it definitely depends on timing and mood. personally, i am a "tell it like it is" girl, known for voicing my opinion. my weight probably added to my biting wit, but there are very few people i would trust to answer that kind of question. and then again, maybe a complete stranger makes more sense... those who knew me at my heaviest just see the drastic difference rather than the little things. to be objective and see me as a "normal" sized person looking to loose a few pounds (or at least less than 100) would only be possible for someone who never knew me heavy.

in summary, lol, i think it's totally normal to want an honest opinion... as long as you can handle it and accept it as possibly biased depending on the individual.

[aim in Fla*working]

Originally Posted by brimmy

This may sound strange, but I'm curious if anyone else feels the same way. Over the last 16 months of my weight loss journey, I have often times wished that I had a friend that could have been brutally honest with me at how i looked to an outside observer. Like at which points they noticeably saw me changing from a morbidly obese person, to a big obese person, then just obese, then overweight, on to a bigger person, then to slightly above normal, then to normal.

We are our own harshest critics in the mirror, and our friends and family are usually over the top supportive no matter what we look like. I wish there was something in the middle where I could go to get an honest and unbiased opinion on how I looked.

Part of this stems from the fact that my weight loss journey was jumpstarted when my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me citing my weight as one of the reasons. I knew I was overweight by that point, I had gained a fair amount while we were together, but I thought I was so lucky to have someone that cared about me no matter what, even through my struggles with my own health. Now I know that my weight was probably not the actual reason for the breakup, or at least not the whole story, but it got me to thinking either way.

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter if it's our own reflection, or what our friends and family tell us, our image is going to be distorted to some degree. I suppose the best I can hope for is the recommendations my doctor writes on my charts to assist in weight loss, which seem to appear when my weight goes up.

There once was this girl in a class of mine that told me that if I were to lose a bit of weight, and put on a little more muscle she thought I'd be pretty attractive. When I told my friends this, they took it as such a heinous insult and badmouthed her. To this day, what she said has probably been one of the most motivating things anyone has ever told me with regard to my weight.

Yeah, i wish i had a few more like her in my life as well...but I think we have to ready to HEAR it....you know?

[peachy]

I really wasn't ready to hear it. If someone had told me how big I was getting I would have just ate more. Now I am ready for feedback. But at my pinacle, I would have been quite upset. For me a picture said a thousand words.

[martiangurll]

Originally Posted by brimmy

This may sound strange, but I'm curious if anyone else feels the same way. Over the last 16 months of my weight loss journey, I have often times wished that I had a friend that could have been brutally honest with me at how i looked to an outside observer. Like at which points they noticeably saw me changing from a morbidly obese person, to a big obese person, then just obese, then overweight, on to a bigger person, then to slightly above normal, then to normal.

We are our own harshest critics in the mirror, and our friends and family are usually over the top supportive no matter what we look like. I wish there was something in the middle where I could go to get an honest and unbiased opinion on how I looked.

Part of this stems from the fact that my weight loss journey was jumpstarted when my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me citing my weight as one of the reasons. I knew I was overweight by that point, I had gained a fair amount while we were together, but I thought I was so lucky to have someone that cared about me no matter what, even through my struggles with my own health. Now I know that my weight was probably not the actual reason for the breakup, or at least not the whole story, but it got me to thinking either way.

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter if it's our own reflection, or what our friends and family tell us, our image is going to be distorted to some degree. I suppose the best I can hope for is the recommendations my doctor writes on my charts to assist in weight loss, which seem to appear when my weight goes up.

There once was this girl in a class of mine that told me that if I were to lose a bit of weight, and put on a little more muscle she thought I'd be pretty attractive. When I told my friends this, they took it as such a heinous insult and badmouthed her. To this day, what she said has probably been one of the most motivating things anyone has ever told me with regard to my weight.

Okay Brimmy, I don't think you're weird for wishing this. But, you know they say that the only people you don't think are weird are people you don't know very well...

[RobMan]

If you really want feedback, here is your forum. Take some photos of yourself in various angles and postions and post them. Then ask for totally honest feedback. Not just stroking, that we all need but at the risk of sounding rude, ask people to tell you what they think. Please be aware, that if you ask that, there are many people here that will tell you 100% what they think.
On a side note, man you are off way over 100 lbs! Wow! I am thrilled to be near 300 lbs and would just love to be where you are today. So, I can tell you I am definatly impressed with what you have done!

[jezzie]

Nope - I don't think you are weird.

I prefer my weight/eating/appearance not be a subject of conversation.

But that has nothing to do with you.

[MissG]

I want the honest brutal truth on how I look. I only have one friend who will give it to me straight...lol...and not when asked. She's just very honest and I appreciate her for it. It's like an extra push to keep me going.

However, on the flip side, there are times when I want to tell a few very close friends or family about themselves but don't want to hurt their feelings. Not that I want to speak up to put them down, just to encourage options. So I just talk about this WOE and if they are interersted then I encourage if not....then so be it. My mom totally adapted to a moderate carb intake and has lost about 10lbs...I'm proud of her. My sister said it would be to hard and didnt want to give up her alcohol or beer....So she didnt even try. That proved that she wasnt ready to commit to a lifestyle change. Another friend said they wanted to get more info about it..So I loaned my book and she said it was too much to take in. lol......

[Iwantlessofme]

I think if someone had been brutally honest with me I might not have gotten this big.

[JustCallMeAmy]

i used to wish someone would've told me how big i had gotten. i *knew* i was huge, but i guess i never really got it. now it's completely reversed, i see myself as bigger as i am.

[Looweewoo]

I don't think knowing would have changed anything until I learned what carbs were doing to me. But knowing how I've changed afterwards helps a lot.

I know I look better, my skin is much nicer and my face is a lot less puffy, but as my friend tells me - at 300lbs, I still look like a fat guy... just not such a huge, unhealthy fat guy.

[spudnut]

I HAD A FRIEND THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, NICE SKIN, PERFECT TEETH ETC. ONE DAY WE WERE TALKING AND SHE STATED THAT PEOPLE DID'NT HESITATE TO SAY TO HER FACE YOU'RE SOO PRETTY BUT YOU'RE SO SKINNY. SHE SAID PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD HER SHE WAS TOO SKINNY AND IT HURT HER FEELINGS.
SHE SAID SHE WOULD NEVER SAY TO SOMEONE WOW ARE YOU EVER FAT OR YOU SHOULD'NT EAT SO MUCH CAUSE YOU'RE SO FAT. THAT REALLY GOT ME TO THINKING THAT NO MATTER WHAT SIZE WE ARE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO JUDGE US.
WE ARE ALL OUR OWN WORST CRITICS BUT WE HAVE TO ACCEPT WHO WE ARE FAT OR SKINNY.
SORRY I'LL GET DOWN OFF MY SOAP BOX NOW, BUT IT IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.


SPUDNUT

[SugarPop]

It's funny but when I was in my 20's I had some pics taken and I clearly remember thinking I was fat. The person taking the pics told me I looked great - I just rolled w/it, whatever. I KNEW I was fat.

A gazillion years later I saw the photo's again and only WISH I could look like that again.

So, even when someone is telling you that you're not fat/ you're fat, it doesn't matter. The truth is you can have a poor body image in your mind and believe you're really fat when you're not, or you can believe you're all that and actually be heavier than you should be.

B

[MissG]

Originally Posted by SugarPop

It's funny but when I was in my 20's I had some pics taken and I clearly remember thinking I was fat. The person taking the pics told me I looked great - I just rolled w/it, whatever. I KNEW I was fat.

A gazillion years later I saw the photo's again and only WISH I could look like that again.

So, even when someone is telling you that you're not fat/ you're fat, it doesn't matter. The truth is you can have a poor body image in your mind and believe you're really fat when you're not, or you can believe you're all that and actually be heavier than you should be.

B

I took up rollerblading at 17 weighing close to 260 lbs. The first time I tried to rollerblade my sister startled me and I lost balance and low and behold broke my ankle.

It took months for me to look at those things again. I got back on them though...had people looking at me like are you freakin serious your big butt's on rollerblades. I knew I was big..but I wanted to do it and it was fun. So I dealt with the constant stares and gawks.

Well guess what....I lost 80lbs rollerblading and reducing my portion/calorie control. I still love rollerblading..I just dont get the opp. to do it anymore.

[anipomoni]

Maybe I just can not relate to this at all b/c there was never a shortage of people in my life to tell me I need to lose weight. But I just can't understand how someone saying, "hey you look like you are really packing on the weight...you must be 300 lbs by now" be any different at all than getting on the scale and seeing "300 lbs"??? I'm sure there are people that are in denial, but who can know if you are one of those, or one of the people who are really beating themselves up inside?

Originally Posted by peachy

I really wasn't ready to hear it. If someone had told me how big I was getting I would have just ate more.

This is definitely how I felt sometimes.

[martiangurll]

Originally Posted by Iwantlessofme

I think if someone had been brutally honest with me I might not have gotten this big.

I agree with this. Once when I decided to try and exercise to lose some weight, before I really packed on the pounds, I was jogging around the track and someone yelled at me from their car as they drove by "keep walking bit*h" and for some reason it made me feel so bad that I just quit exercising alltogether. I am still mortified to go into a gym or anything cuz I feel like everyone is staring at the fat girl...

So yeah, shaming me would not have worked. It would have made me feel even crappier than I already felt and would have me eating more, not less!

[GwnStfni]

Originally Posted by fireflyfaster

I must admit it certainly wouldn't have motivated me to return to LC a day sooner -- there was some deep subconscious personal alchemy involved to finally, finally trigger that switch, that had nothing to do with well-meaning suggestions.

Agree with this statement completely.

But for the OP, my question is, did you ever ASK your good friends? I find if you ask, you're more likely to get an honest response, rather than waiting for someone to say something... A good friend of mine weighs about 340# right now and he's had women tell him that "if he lost a little weight" sort of thing and he is very sensitive to it and never says anything to their face but he will talk to me about it and he calls them all sorts of names. It really scars him, in a negative way. He automatically assumes that they are shallow people. I've known him for 10 years (we dated the first 5 years) and I have tried for years to tell him in a gentle way that he needs to lose weight but he just gains and gains and gains. He was probably 270# when I first met him. He has seen firsthand, the benefits of low carbing on me... He saw me at my highest 275 and my lowest 147 and he always says he's going to do Atkins... he's been saying it for years!! But yes, one of the factors that led to our breakup with in a small part, his weight. It was nearly impossible to get him to do any sort of physical activity, even walking the dogs! I didn't want to be with someone who was so uncomfortable and lazy, doing these things on my own. IDK... just sort of babbling now...

[martiangurll]

"there was some deep subconscious personal alchemy involved to finally, finally trigger that switch"

Nobel Prize for whoever identifies that switch...

[ViolaVixen]

Very interesting thought. I think what you also might be getting at is a desire for "objectivity." Family is always going to SAY you look great, or are doing great, to "act supportive." Somehow people define "supportive" as "positive." On the other end of the spectrum, you are right that we are our worst critics and we ourselves tend to be on the side of negative, ignoring how much we've lost and focusing on how much we have left "to go."

This is where I would find a personal trainer useful; a good comparison would be, people looking to improve their tennis go to tennis pros for coaching. I still have a mentor that I will have listen me play and give me objective advice. Because that's what we need - someone objective to tell us what it is we REALLY look like, not catering to what we want to hear, or what they think we want to hear - just the facts.