I'm so frustrated with my husband's bad eating habits!!

[TrinaBeena]

I don't believe in divorce but.....
Lately it's been driving me CRAZY. The harder I try to feed our kids healthy things, the more he is bringing JUNK into our house. I say cauliflower, he says cherry turnovers. I have tried making alternatives to his favorite things, and he hates them. I am concerned, not only for his health but for the "traditions" we are passing on to our children. I still crave things to this day because I remember my mom giving them to me. He doesn't care or understand, will not read anything I ask him to, calls me obsessed. I'm all for letting them have a treat now and then... but his typical day looks like this: Doughnut at a doughnut shop for breakfast on the way to work, probably with a soda or coffee full of sugar, lunch-a sandwich, fries, and ANOTHER soda, dinner- whatever he picks out of what I cook AND soda. After dinner he will always eat chips or make turnovers or cinnamon rolls *BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE GREW UP EATING* He doesn't get the connection. I am worried because I know he is on the fast track to diabetes (he's still very thin, go figure) Help me!!

[jem51]

if it were me, i'd lay down some laws about eating better at home so the kids won't grow up w the same idea as him. anyway, part of developing is changing tastes, right?
i'd tell him to eat what he likes away from home and take his chances. even if he were obese, it might not make a difference.
a little tough love needed here. he should be adult enough to make a compromise.

[cleochatra]

My husband has been a hard sell, too. So it comes to baby steps. Very, very very slow baby steps. No preaching. No teaching. The kind that sometimes end up with a head bump.

Spouses can be stubborn (so can kids, and so, too, can we be!) but I've found that regulating what a grown man eats could border on the insulting. I know someone who gives her husband an allowance, and, to me, it just seems wrong. I just started cutting back on the treats. Then made them only occasional. We got rid of bread (oh, the horror!) the same way. And I live in a house filled with ZOMGnobreadywhy??!?!?!?!

Baby steps. Love. Sweetness that comes from fruit more and donuts less.

Oh! It could also be he's addicted to those things. Carnitine and chromium picolinate fight cravings. If he won't take them, then there's not much anyone can do about it, save for to color them blue and slip them into the viagra bottle. Which I'm sure is illegal (not to mention it probab ly won't apply), so we're going to pretend I never said that.

[SnackyPoo]

It must be very tough BUT... you can't change someone if they don't want to changed. Simple as that. You may want to talk to him and tell him that if he wants to eat junk, he should do it outside of the house or in private. That you two as parents are setting examples for your children. Of course it may go in one ear and out the other but I think it's the only thing you can do.

[peanutte]

Trina, it's not just that he doesn't care to follow your lead and eat low-carb--it's that he's being openly defiant, opposing your more grown-up, responsible choices in front of the kids, and setting a really bad example.

Do the kids want to drink soda because "Daddy drinks them"? Do they like to be offered his sugary treats? It's really not unlike a divided front as far as disciple goes--you know what I mean, when the two of you are setting rules and boundaries and deciding upon consequences, you have to be united or it turns into mixed messages. Maybe if you present it in those terms, he would see the damage? It's not cool to make you the bad guy because you make them eat good food while he rewards them with sugary crap--if in fact that is what he does. (I'm not there, so I don't know!)

Even if he keeps his sweets to himself and just openly expresses disapproval and resentment for your (again) grown-up, responsible menu choices, then it's still a problem because he is your partner and is supposed to support what is best for the family and for himself. It's not much different from smoking or excessive drinking. He's clinging to stupid habits because he likes them and they're "fun" or whatever. He needs to get over it.

I notice you are Christian. You two are supposed to be spiritual role models. Treating your body well is part of stewardship--not giving in to what "feels good" in the moment but isn't good for you. He's not teaching them self-discipline, self-respect, and self-control, which are relevant from the standpoint of your religious convictions and values. (I think they are relevant for everybody, but it might carry more weight if couched in terms of your religion.)

Sorry you're so frustrated. This is what really peeves me:

*BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE GREW UP EATING*

Yeah? Big frickin' deal. (That's directed at him, not you!) I'm sure we were all used to doing all kinds of things when we were kids that we have grown out of now. Hey, I don't play with dolls anymore, and I don't get to accidentally pee in my bed in the middle of the night either, because I am an adult. Der. (Sorry, I just find that excuse so irritating!)

I hope you can get through to him.

[Portia]

Hm - I guess I am in the minority here, but I think you and your DH have some good areas of compromise already and can capitalize on that.

First, most of your DH's eating takes place on his own. You can offer to help make him b-fast or lunch to take with him, but if he refuses, that's really ok. It's his life and his health - you cannot get anywhere by "preaching" to someone. That will only make them defensive. You can only live the lifestyle yourself and hope he will follow you b/c of your great health and vitality.

Second, DH is already eating what you make for dinner, or at least some of it. Ok, he is having a soda. I personally don't think trying soda, or halloween candy or whatever on rare occasions is terrible for kids, but you have the issue every night, so you don't want to have a constant battle.

I sometimes have wine or diet soda but my kids don't get any and know they can't have any. If the soda really is an issue, ask him to put it in an opaque cup so the kids don't always see it. Or, make the kids their own "soda" with flavored seltzer and a smidge of fresh juice or cider. My kids love this as an occasional treat, and the juice is very, very diluted.

Third is the real issue here - the baking of desserts. I would have a really hard time with this, too, due to the smells etc. Is he open to the idea of at least making a fruit pie or cobbler from scratch with the kids? Because that would be delicious and a step in the right direction.

And, what if you two compromise and he agrees that the baking is limited to ___ times per week, because it makes it difficult for you to maintain your weight and health? On the other nights, you try low-carb desserts or he can simply have something on his own that is not baked.

My kids have a small dessert every night: flavored yogurt, a small serving of ice cream, berries with whipped cream etc. They are slender and have a great "relationship" with food - eat veggies, fish without argument. They can stop halfway through dessert and say "I'm full." My DH is not a sweet tooth, but if he wanted dessert, I don't think it would be reasonable for me to say *he* can't have it because I think it's unhealthy. He has to do what he believes is right.

GL!! I know it's frustrating.

[sistertzu]

Yes, this is so hard for me as well.

My husband is diabetic and although he watches his white sugar intake eats way to many carbs per meal way more than double 40 carbs per meal that's recommended from his dietitian (still to high). He doesn't keep track of his blood glucose regularly. He sporadically takes his medication. It is a constant struggle for me. I tell him his behavior will affect his family but what can I do, it is his life. He doesn't use the computer but I have put his menu in fitday and kept track of it and show him daily, it has helped him to choose healthier options. I have struggled to test his blood glucose over the course of a day it is high and I tell him. All I have done for him has minimally helped with his self responsibility, I'm not his mother, he is an adult, what else can I do.

Sis

[sweetpoison]

The old man ate a WHOLE package of Oreo's in about 2 hours this weekend and then was looking for some ice cream.........
WHAT EVER!!!

[anipomoni]

My gut reaction would be to tell him to eat whatever the heck he wants OUTSIDE the house and the daily dessert baking just needs to flat out stop. That's ridiculous and so, so unnecessary.
However I grew up with never once having dessert at home, or even at a restaurant, and it sure didn't make a difference with my weight. Or that of my mom, sister, brother, etc. So maybe a compromise of once a week? And maybe something lower carb the other nights? Strawberries blended with whipped cream, cheesecake, that pumpkin bake that is sooo good. I'm sure there's something he'll eat.
Worst case, if he is being really really stubborn, try and find something lower carb that the kids prefer to his junk. That way he can have his dessert to himself.

[7littleangels]

I agree with Baby Steps. My Dh was the same way and it has taken 8 years to get him closer to the way I eat. I am fortunate that all of my children are home with me all the time and I can decide what they eat when dad is at work or gone at night. Just a side note I do the same thing with the television, game systems, and computer. None of those things are turned on or played when dad is away.

I have gotten Dh to start eating more Gluten Free/sugar free treats,but it does get expensive. He still eats a few bad things but not near as much as he did before.

One of the keys to changing his eating was to stop nagging him. I had to come to terms with the fact that he is an adult and can eat what he wants.

The children are a different story. They have to cook what I fix. Yes,sometimes dad buys them bad things,but overall they are eating pretty good because I am in charge of their 3 main meals and dessert.

Jeanie

[Ilpirata]

I would discuss this with my pastor and get some input there. VERY interesting points that Peanutte brought up re your religion. Your pastor may be able to guide you and even talk to the two of you together?

[TrinaBeena]

Thanks all of you for your imput... I realize this will be a long process and I'm not going to nag anymore. He has agreed to compromise as far as the kids' eating is concerned... as far as his, well... he knows better now but that doesn't mean he will DO better. But thanks all of you for listening anyway. Ilpirata and Peanutte, I laughed when I read your suggestions... he IS our pastor. I am just trusting God that he will see that I am healthier and that he feels better when he isn't eating all that sugar. And how very important it is for us to break this cycle with our children.

[Stash'sWife]

I try not to make a big deal about what hubby gives the kids. I don't want my kids to have 'cozy memories' of sharing 'forbidden' foods with Daddy.

I teach the kids about nutrients (fat, protein, carbs) in the sense that I say things like: "no, cookies are not for breakfast. Your body needs protein and fat right now".

It is to the point where my three year old knows that 'hydrates' are not healthy (she is adorable).

My woe is taught to my children much as i try to teach my faith, that is: more is "caught" than taught. I find the more my mood and health improves on my woe, the more appealing it will be to my girls as they are older and making their own food choices.

ETA:
Much like my faith, it needs to 'appeal' to them for them to want it for themselves.

[TrinaBeena]

Originally Posted by Stash'sWife

I try not to make a big deal about what hubby gives the kids. I don't want my kids to have 'cozy memories' of sharing 'forbidden' foods with Daddy.

I teach the kids about nutrients (fat, protein, carbs) in the sense that I say things like: "no, cookies are not for breakfast. Your body needs protein and fat right now".

It is to the point where my three year old knows that 'hydrates' are not healthy (she is adorable).

My woe is taught to my children much as i try to teach my faith, that is: more is "caught" than taught. I find the more my mood and health improves on my woe, the more appealing it will be to my girls as they are older and making their own food choices.

This is exactly what I am doing. I don't say anything about what he's giving them in front of them. He knows how I feel about it. And my oldest daughter is really understanding and making healthier choices on her own now.

[Stash'sWife]

Originally Posted by TrinaBeena

This is exactly what I am doing. I don't say anything about what he's giving them in front of them. He knows how I feel about it. And my oldest daughter is really understanding and making healthier choices on her own now.

My "big girl" was shocked that I didn't eat any of my own birthday cake! LOL

She notices.

She tries to share "treats" with me and I just say (as calmly and non prostletyzing sp? as I can lol) "no, Mommy is only going to eat healthy foods".

She doesn't react much except for a shrug like "oh well more for me" lol...but she then pipes up in front of ppl when I am offered pizza, "no, my mom doesn't eat stuff like that" LOL!!!

[Stash'sWife]

OH!! And I NEVER have made it about weight loss, to my kids.

I have taught them from wee babies not to judge based on body size. My oldest openly talks to me about how I feel to be fat. It is not taboo for us, although she knows not everyone has this same comfort level.

I have made this purely about health, because I worry about ED with my kids.

[Magicsmom]

Originally Posted by peanutte

Trina, it's not just that he doesn't care to follow your lead and eat low-carb--it's that he's being openly defiant, opposing your more grown-up, responsible choices in front of the kids, and setting a really bad example.

Do the kids want to drink soda because "Daddy drinks them"? Do they like to be offered his sugary treats? It's really not unlike a divided front as far as disciple goes--you know what I mean, when the two of you are setting rules and boundaries and deciding upon consequences, you have to be united or it turns into mixed messages. Maybe if you present it in those terms, he would see the damage? It's not cool to make you the bad guy because you make them eat good food while he rewards them with sugary crap--if in fact that is what he does. (I'm not there, so I don't know!)

Even if he keeps his sweets to himself and just openly expresses disapproval and resentment for your (again) grown-up, responsible menu choices, then it's still a problem because he is your partner and is supposed to support what is best for the family and for himself. It's not much different from smoking or excessive drinking. He's clinging to stupid habits because he likes them and they're "fun" or whatever. He needs to get over it.

I notice you are Christian. You two are supposed to be spiritual role models. Treating your body well is part of stewardship--not giving in to what "feels good" in the moment but isn't good for you. He's not teaching them self-discipline, self-respect, and self-control, which are relevant from the standpoint of your religious convictions and values. (I think they are relevant for everybody, but it might carry more weight if couched in terms of your religion.)

Sorry you're so frustrated. This is what really peeves me:

Yeah? Big frickin' deal. (That's directed at him, not you!) I'm sure we were all used to doing all kinds of things when we were kids that we have grown out of now. Hey, I don't play with dolls anymore, and I don't get to accidentally pee in my bed in the middle of the night either, because I am an adult. Der. (Sorry, I just find that excuse so irritating!)

I hope you can get through to him.

As usual, I agree entirely with Peanutte. If he wants to eat this stuff, he should be doing it where the kids don't see it. I wish my parents had the fortitude to eat healthily when I was growing up. Addicts raise addicts. That's the way it works.

[fireflyfaster]

I see this as less of a dietary issue (though it is one) and much more of a relationship/acting out issue. It will most certainly surface in areas other than food.

It concerns me that he does not take you seriously, that he rejects the information you bring to support your position and dismisses you as obsessed. It also bothers me that he undermines your parenting plan and isn't willing to discuss it with you or make responsible choices for your kids.

I think you and he need to talk to a counselor. At another church or some other type of place, so they won't defer to his position, I would think. You're a smart, capable and well-intentioned person and you should be treated like one, and your children need to observe your husband treating you with respect.

[LisaLisaLisa]

Has he always eaten this way? If you were fine with it when you married the man, why are you so up in arms about it now? I'd be quite resistant if my husband tried to change me after 15 years of marriage.

You gave a sample of HIS typical menu, but surely that isn't your children's typical menu as well? If he wants to make a treat for his kids, I don't see the harm. I assume you have control over most of what your children eat throughout the day. I really don't see the harm in daddy making them an occasional treat. I think making things "forbidden" is more harmful in the long run. Teaching kids about healthy eating and all things in moderation (even junk) IMO, is the way to go.

Really, I think you should express your concerns for his health and leave it be. He's a grown man perfectly capable of making his own food choices. My husband and I eat totally differently (he eats lots of junk) and I occasionally will mention something about it, but his poor eating habits certainly would never, ever conjure up thoughts of divorce like mentioned in the first line of your post.

[TrinaBeena]

Originally Posted by LisaLisaLisa

Has he always eaten this way? If you were fine with it when you married the man, why are you so up in arms about it now? I'd be quite resistant if my husband tried to change me after 15 years of marriage.

You gave a sample of HIS typical menu, but surely that isn't your children's typical menu as well? If he wants to make a treat for his kids, I don't see the harm. I assume you have control over most of what your children eat throughout the day. I really don't see the harm in daddy making them an occasional treat. I think making things "forbidden" is more harmful in the long run. Teaching kids about healthy eating and all things in moderation (even junk) IMO, is the way to go.

Really, I think you should express your concerns for his health and leave it be. He's a grown man perfectly capable of making his own food choices. My husband and I eat totally differently (he eats lots of junk) and I occasionally will mention something about it, but his poor eating habits certainly would never, ever conjure up thoughts of divorce like mentioned in the first line of your post.

We both ate this way when we got married because we didn't know better. We have discussed the science and why it's bad for us to eat certain things... I don't spend time harping on it. My problem is that the "occasional treat" ends up being every day for the kids. The divorce thing was a joke :lol: I am tired of it being a constant issue and being dismissed. Venting, that's all.

[CarolynF]

Hey, I wouldn't make a big deal of it because unfortunately, it is his life. He is an adult, etc. Food shouldn't be an issue that divides you in your home. You are in charge of yourself and your kids. Just make sure he has good life insurance..(I'm not kidding about that one). And love him and pray for him..The Holy Spirit is a better nag than we are.. Hugs to you..

[LisaLisaLisa]

Originally Posted by TrinaBeena

And of course he knows I have posted this.

What did he say when he read what you wrote about him and your dissatisfaction in this particular area of your relationship? Did he comment on everyone's thoughts? Just curious.

I must've misconstrued your opening statement. I take my marriage and divorce VERY seiously and would never make a "joking" statement about divorcing my husband. To each their own though.

[roamer723]

Originally Posted by LisaLisaLisa

I take my marriage and divorce VERY seiously and would never make a "joking" statement about divorcing my husband. To each their own though.

Everybody calm down - IT'S OKAY.

just another instance of "reading" a comment and taking it wrong versus "hearing" the same comment with tone and inflection.

- she was joking about the divorce.
- this is a support forum, say whatever you want as long as you're not disparaging someone else

the OP is obviously upset, has come here for help and advice, and opened with a joke. no big deal, right?

[LisaLisaLisa]

I hope your not telling me to calm down. It's not necessary. I was simply following up on the OP's response to me. I get it, it was meant jokingly. I just took it more seriously and don't find it funny in the least.

I agree, this is a support forum and nobody should be insulted. I hope your not trying to insinuate that I have. I've responded to the OP with how I felt and my opinion. I never set out with the intention of disparaging anyone.

[Looweewoo]

I have this problem in an extreme. My (almost)ex-wife refuses to guide my son's eating at all. She just buys whatever he wants and let's him cook it himself. After 30 years of vegetarianism and almost 10 years of LC, most of it with her enthusiastic support, I feel almost frantic sometimes. I call him and he will tell me that he's had "Cheesy Noodles" for dinner the last three nights. He eats cold cereal for breakfast, packaged food for lunch and whatever he can cook for dinner. As a 14 year old he is certainly able to cook for himself if needed, but without guidance he is destroying habits I spent a decade teaching him.

Worse, I believe she is allowing this in an attempt to force me to go back to her. She always says that since I did all the cooking, she has no idea how to make healthy meals so he will just have to fend for himself. I know better.

But, since this is a emotional game that if I play will end up with everyone losing, I just have to hope that the four years of bad training will not completely destroy 10 years of good training. He knows how much weight I lost, he watched me do Diabetes testing and helped me tabulate the results. He knows that high carb junk food is not the only choice. Hopefully at some point it will all make more sense to him.

[TrinaBeena]

Originally Posted by roamer723

Everybody calm down - IT'S OKAY.

just another instance of "reading" a comment and taking it wrong versus "hearing" the same comment with tone and inflection.

- she was joking about the divorce.
- this is a support forum, say whatever you want as long as you're not disparaging someone else

the OP is obviously upset, has come here for help and advice, and opened with a joke. no big deal, right?

Thank you!

Maybe I shouldn't have worded what I said so strongly you're right that humor doesn't necessarily come through as intended. I did tell my husband I posted this and he laughed it off as he does everything. He is glad I have a place where people understand my WOE because he doesn't. I know he will realize in his own time that avoiding sugar is better for him, I just really hope it's before he gets diabetes or worse. Thank you all for your input... it's not as serious an issue as it came across... although frustrating almost every day. We will work through it like we have everything else. There will not be a divorce lol.

Loweeoo, I'm sorry it's like that for you, I know someone in a similar situation, although not with food. It's sad.

[LisaLisaLisa]

I'm glad you can make light of it. It did come across as serious (your whole post). It must be hard to be so frustrated on a daily basis. I apologize if I came across in a way that has been deemed unfit. The best to you and your husband working through this.

[roamer723]

@LisaLisaLisa

@TrinaBeena

[Houston Heather]

Originally Posted by peanutte

Even if he keeps his sweets to himself and just openly expresses disapproval and resentment for your (again) grown-up, responsible menu choices, then it's still a problem because he is your partner and is supposed to support what is best for the family and for himself. It's not much different from smoking or excessive drinking. He's clinging to stupid habits because he likes them and they're "fun" or whatever. He needs to get over it.

I notice you are Christian. You two are supposed to be spiritual role models. Treating your body well is part of stewardship--not giving in to what "feels good" in the moment but isn't good for you. He's not teaching them self-discipline, self-respect, and self-control, which are relevant from the standpoint of your religious convictions and values. (I think they are relevant for everybody, but it might carry more weight if couched in terms of your religion.)

Peanutte, you have completely nailed my reasons for low-carbing.

If my husband were being so reckless with his health, I would take him to an assisted living facility, a dialysis center, and a rehab hospital to watch the results of out-of-control blood sugars and strokes. THEN tell him "If you end up having a stroke/amputation/blindness due to your WOE, then I'm divorcing you."

I would do that - my husband consumes alcohol and HCFS on a daily basis, but he allows me to check his sugars. He can eat more carbs than me, and metabolizes them. However, if it affects his health he knows he'll need to stop. He is already disabled, I don't need any new duties. I've gotten a good eyeful of hourly blood glucose monitoring, etc. We ride a paratransit service so I am pretty extremely motivated! I see what happens to people who don't take care of themselves.

[LCdave]

Originally Posted by TrinaBeena

I don't believe in divorce but.....
Lately it's been driving me CRAZY. The harder I try to feed our kids healthy things, the more he is bringing JUNK into our house. I say cauliflower, he says cherry turnovers. I have tried making alternatives to his favorite things, and he hates them. I am concerned, not only for his health but for the "traditions" we are passing on to our children. I still crave things to this day because I remember my mom giving them to me. He doesn't care or understand, will not read anything I ask him to, calls me obsessed. I'm all for letting them have a treat now and then... but his typical day looks like this: Doughnut at a doughnut shop for breakfast on the way to work, probably with a soda or coffee full of sugar, lunch-a sandwich, fries, and ANOTHER soda, dinner- whatever he picks out of what I cook AND soda. After dinner he will always eat chips or make turnovers or cinnamon rolls *BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE GREW UP EATING* He doesn't get the connection. I am worried because I know he is on the fast track to diabetes (he's still very thin, go figure) Help me!!

We'll first you guys make a cute couple, nice avatar.

My story is I have been married nearly 20 years and my wife have always looked and eaten the same things during that time( never gaining weight, even through two child births). It was I that started out thin, gained nearly 200 pounds, then lost it all. Throughout the years my wife never tried to force me to eat a certain way or exercise as she knew that I had to want to do it on my own and I did.

In your case I see similarities and you should concentrate on what you can control: what you eat and what you feed your children. Let your husband eat whatever, it will be his problem when he has health problems down the road. It is sad to say though that he eats like most Americans eat: grazing on junk produced by the huge agri-conglomerates who foist that nasty crap on the masses at low prices.

At the end of the day maybe he will come around and join you and the kids, then again he may not.

All YOU can do is lead by example.

-Dave