Well, what can you do...?

[mamabear6]

I've been losing, my fiance has been gaining. I swear, I've been so good and eating healthy and his habits have gotten worse!
I would estimate he eats at LEAST 600 calories worth of cookies every day. Most likely more. He got into the habit of eating a bowl of cereal before he goes to bed late at night, every night. He hasn't been eating many vegetables.
He was tall & pretty lean, and now he's just tall and has a protruding gut. This has all happened in the past two months.
Today his brother told me their dad just found out he has diabetes. Well, their dad has a big round belly and eats a bowl of ice cream with strawberries every night. I wasn't really surprised.
This makes me sad because I love their parents, at least as much as I love my own parents. Their dad already has to use a thing when he sleeps because he has sleep apnea. UGH it just freaks me out. I don't want anything to happen to him.
So now I'm worried about my fiance. I know how he eats isn't healthy, but what the hell can I do about it? I'm afraid that the answer is nothing? I buy healthy food, I cook tasty healthy meals. But he'll go out and buy a frozen pizza, and more cookies, etc. and it's really not supportive of what I'm trying to do for myself and our daughter either.
I don't want him to get into the same situation his father is in. It scares the hell out of me. I want him to be healthy and happy and feel good and not take freaking naps all the time!
How do I deal with this? I don't even know if I can get through to him about it or not...
Anyone? I'm sure some of you can relate, probably more than I think, that's why I came here. What did/do you do? How do you cope with it? Any advice?

[Leo41]

I don't have any real advice because I suspect that it's impossible to change someone's eating habits unless the person is willing to change. What's developing into a problem, I think, is that bowl of cereal with milk at night--the high carbs probably give him a sound sleep and that will become habit forming for him. He'll think he needs those carbs to feel 'right.'

My sister is a type2 diabetic who eats starches and sugar like crazy and is heavier than she has ever been in her life (close to 300 lbs). She knows how I eat and has seen the results, but she won't do it. What's worse, when she was pregnant 17 years ago, she got gestational diabetes, and her doctor put her on a low carb diet. She did it for her baby, but she also told me that eating that way, she felt the best she had in her entire life. But right after the baby was born, she went back to her old WOE and consequently developed diabetes, as her doctor warned her she would unless she watched her diet. I keep reminding her of how good she felt when she was eating low carb, but she's just not ready to change.

So my thinking is the only thing you can do for bf is model good eating, let him see your results, but try not to nag or preach--that makes it worse. Also, would he be open to reading anything like Atkins or Eades where they explain the science behind low carb? That might help.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but my experience with my sister has shown me how difficult it is to try to change someone else.

[Houston Heather]

My husband confronted me about 2 years ago, saying he was worried about my health. He challenged me to share my weight with him. I declined. He begged me to go low carb again. I said not right now.

My dad pleaded with me for years, terrified for my health. Yeah, yeah, I love you too, Dad ( ).

One day, nothing would get in my way. I made a complete 180 and chose to go lowcarb. I am dedicated... I am COMMITTED. But until I chose to do it, no joy.

Really, it wasn't about anyone but me. I knew if I wanted to lose it I had to go low-carb (this is second and last!).

As he sees you lose, he will process that "low carb works". Hopefully, one day, he will realize nothing is more important than his health.

It wouldn't hurt to remind him that diabetic men can have problems with impotence, though.

[mamabear6]

Well see, the thing is I'm not interested in converting him to the low carb WOE, that's too extreme for him right now and he'd never go for it. I just wish he would stop eating a whole sleeve of cookies in a day, or a whole freaking pizza, and try to eat a little healthier and cut out some of the soda. He makes comments about his gut and says he doesn't like it, but I see him doing the same things that got him that way every day.
*SIGH*
I think I might just have to bring it up soon, very very gently, especially given the news we just got about his father. Maybe that could be a small nudge for him to try to stay in better health.
We have such a wonderful relationship, but seeing him treat his body this way is really a bummer for me. I feel great and want to get in good shape, he eats sugar and fattening foods and hasn't had the energy to do much besides work in a while. I've been doing everything around the house, playing with our daughter while he naps in a chair, and it's really starting to get to me. This is the first time in a very long time our relationship has really had any problems. I don't nag him about it, but I will say something if he goes through a whole package of cookies in 1-2 days and wants me to buy another. We don't have a ton of money and it irritates me to spend money on junk instead of nourishing food.
Thank you for the replies

[sugarless4life]

Nothing.

The more you push, the more he will resist.

Just be a good example of healthy success. That speaks louder than anything.

Betty

[Houston Heather]

You might mention that a buddy on the lcf board mentioned how evil and addictive sugar is, that she realized at one point she was a slave to it... eating it even when she wasn't hungry just to get the fix.

How, by giving it up for a month, she realized how much better she felt! All true! Man, I was in chains... a total slave to my sugar habit.

I am amazed that 1. I never had a diabetic complication that I know of and 2. I only got up to 230.

[2muttsmom]

At least make him get out of the chair and go to the store himself if he wants to bring that stuff into the house. You don't have to say anything to him, but don't enable him either. If he wants cereal and milk and cookies, make him go buy them himself. On the other hand, make sure you have lots of healthy snacks - fresh fruits and nuts and yogurt. He may just go for those if they are close at hand.

[Lylotte]

Originally Posted by 2muttsmom

At least make him get out of the chair and go to the store himself if he wants to bring that stuff into the house. You don't have to say anything to him, but don't enable him either. If he wants cereal and milk and cookies, make him go buy them himself. On the other hand, make sure you have lots of healthy snacks - fresh fruits and nuts and yogurt. He may just go for those if they are close at hand.

Definitely don't enable.. especially if you've got a tight budget! My husband used to be very similar in his way of eating but has actually joined me now on Atkins and has lost 20lbs so far. Don't push low carbing on him but you can suggest simple ways for him to change his poor eating habits when he brings things up like not being happy with his belly or whatever. That all being said, if you are about to marry this guy and love him to bits then you should totally be able to sit him down and talk about his father, diabetes, his eating, your feelings and have an open discussion on things and hopefully at least feel like you were heard and understood, and possibly come up with some resolutions to things, without fear.

I wish you all the best!

[mamabear6]

Thank you all for your replies, I guess I will try to ease into a discussion when a good moment presents itself. I suppose I just didn't want to cause too many problems bothering him about stuff the past two months because he was jobless for a month(things are ok now) and then he lost his grandfather. I could understand if he just felt like eating some comfort food, but I worry that it's going a little too far now and becoming a very unhealthy habit. We can really talk about anything and get along really well, it's just that the stress levels have been high for both of us the past couple months but things are finally settling down and things are looking up for our family again.
Like I said, I don't care if he eats low carb because he has a normal metabolism and everything. He's 7'8" tall, if he was doing low carb it would cost a fortune to feed him! lol
I just want to support him and help him get back to a normal way of eating when he's ready.
I guess the whole point of this post in the first place was that I just needed to vent a little. After hearing about his dad tonight I was a little upset. I love his family dearly and I'm not confident his father is going to be taking care of himself the way he needs to. But like we all know, you can't change anyone. What the people we love choose to do to themselves can still hurt, though.
I feel better after reading your replies so thank you all again for responding.

[lalala]

Originally Posted by mamabear6

Like I said, I don't care if he eats low carb because he has a normal metabolism and everything. He's 7'8" tall, if he was doing low carb it would cost a fortune to feed him! lol

is that a typo or is he really that tall?

[suzanneyea]

I do not think any good can come from this conversation. If you want to have more stress and tension, then by all means, talk to him about his diet. He knows it is not good to eat a row of cookies in one sitting, he does not need you to point this out.

[ftblmom32]

It took my DH about four months into my WOE to start paying attention to what he was doing. I think it was when he started to see my weight loss. I would catch him eyeing my plate at dinner to see what i was eating. Eventually it lead to questions from him about my WOE. He doesn't follow Atkins, but he DID cut out all sugar drinks, white bread, pasta and rice and in typical man fashion promptly lost 30+ pounds now. He also started walking (after i started!!) He still has a sweet almost every night , a cookie, or a brownie, but he used to eat a bowl of cereal and a bowl of ice cream every night. He also had gained all his weight in his belly.

Like Heather said, it is like talking to the wall when someone isn't ready to do it. just keep leading by example. No one could have talked me right into this WOE, i had to decide for myself that i had enough and wanted to do something about it.

Good luck, keep doing what you are doing. I bet he will come around as he sees your success and your healthy ways.

[zizi]

I've given up on influencing the Spouse on both diet and working-out. He's older than I am and I'm VERY concerned about his health.

[Lylotte]

7'8" !!!!!!

How tall are you mamabear?

Maybe in light of so many stressful things happening recently give him a little more time to learn to manage himself better. It sounds like he could use a 'grace' period and maybe things will get better on their own. Personally I'm not suggesting your guy go on LC, just to cut out the excessive bad stuff! So perhaps just not facilitating him will be enough. I know my guy had to be pretty motivated for junk food to actually go get it himself.

[mamabear6]

Thanks guys. LOL I meant that he's 6'8" tall Geeze what a horrible typo!!!!!

[fawn]

For reasons of keeping my husband around, I disagree with the advice not to say anything. Trans fats cause heart disease and those foods mentioned more than likely contain something hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated.

My husbands father died of heart disease at 49
his father at 43

DH is 42 today.....our conversation in bed this morning? "Wow, in 7 years I'll be 49" had I not constantly reminded him of the dangers of particular foods, I might not have him around very long.

This society needs a swift kick in terms of nutrition and its contribution to disease.

A widow or a rag, I'll take the latter.

Hope I don't sound too harsh but I just spent a week with a sister who pops a variety of heavy drugs and eats like garbage.

[suzanneyea]

Fawn, my husband turned 41 yesterday, lol.

[fawn]

Happy Birthday to both of our boys Suzanne! I hope you're having a great summer!

[suzanneyea]

It would be if it would stop raining!!!

[peanutte]

It's really hard to watch people we care about eating poorly and ignoring the warning signs shown them by their relatives. You'd think seeing other family members with diabetes and other health conditions would make people wake up and deal with reality. But they just pretend they don't know better and go along eating what they want. It's so freaking frustrating, mamabear, I know. Sometimes it's a feeling of sadness that the person doesn't care about himself enough to take his weight and health seriously. Other times time you can feel just plain angry.

When I watch my diabetic, obese father eating things he shouldn't be eating, just because everyone around him is eating them, I feel both furious and really depressed about it. But just a few weeks ago when I saw him at my sister's wedding, he told me he cannot believe how dedicated I've been to Atkins (never cheating, never giving up) and he said I have become his weight loss inspiration. So maybe setting a good example and making positive (not preachy) remarks about your diet will help.

Part of me agrees with Suzanne, that nothing good can come of such conversations-- and I have had plenty of them, and nothing ever DID seem to come of them other than resentment and hurt feelings. However, part of me agrees with Fawn, that sparing someone's feelings is not as important as plainly laying out the reality of the situation. I honestly don't know which is the better approach. If my partner had a drinking problem or drug problem I would feel I HAD to speak up and say something. Why is it so different with food? Because none of us wants to ever admit we eat like crap--because we should know better? None of us ever wants to admit we gained weight because of our food choices? It's a touchy subject, and I'm not sure!

[mamabear6]

Yeah, I'm still not sure what to do. I could understand keeping my mouth shut if it were family, but at least expressing my concern for my future husband can't do much harm. I don't want to nag him, or harass him every time he opens his mouth. I just want to let him know I'm a little concerned and see what's going on with him. See if there's anything I can do... bah. I just want him to be happy and feel good. I guess he'll change when he wants that bad enough, too.

[suzanneyea]

How long have you been lc yourself? Why not wait a bit, at least 6 to 8 months. He might show some interest on his own.
Of course, I have been eating this way for 6 years and my husband has shown zero interest, lol.

[FloridaShell]

My dh tells me every once in awhile..."I am gonna do what you do and lose some of this weight".
I don't say anything, because until he's 100% ready there's nothing I can do.