Need a motivating buddy to lose 50 pounds with by April 2007

[Stelakate]

I can't imagine how your feeling right now, no one ever can unless they're in the situation at THAT time. At a time like this, our petty fights seem trivial, when you need me the most. It's not even about that. I feel your hurt so much, I reach into my memory and I could recite a novel of supportive words you have had for me over the years. Why did you always think and know I was so "great"? What did you always see in me despite all my stubbornness and flaws that not everyone wanted to see? Most of all, why were you there to patch up my skinned knee every time I fell? Every ****ing time I fell on that knee again and again! Same damn knee! Buy some knee pads already, or a new bike, what the hell! When I read your letter, I just cried because I know that hurt way too well. I truly hate that you ever have to know it, too...not just from the past, but even worse as an adult in an adult relationship. I don't have an answer for you, I can't even say I understand how or why it happens, except that self-esteem is a big motivator...WE'VE both been there! I think in some way I will ALWAYS be there, because I crave love and acceptance so much. I was never the girl in high school with a boyfriend, never the girl anyone found cute, funny or sexy...but I can be that now, and I want that. I think you can relate to that, wanting what you've always craved. I hated it when anyone said "you'll be fine", "it takes time". Let's be honest, you know what it takes? A do-over. A rewind back into the certainty and although sometimes unhappiness and unrest, the SURE comfort that every day life used to be. You want back the life, for some reason, that seemed so unappealing not so long ago, even the dissatisfying and hurtful parts of it. Pushing that guilt out of your mind that you ever felt doubt about your relationship or ever took it for granted. Your strength is only outweighed by your difficulty dealing with being so emotional. Not an easy combination, but know that those attributes ARE there, and they can work in your favor. One thing I realize on an almost constant basis is that (I'm not perfect, for starters), but I am the sum total of my environment and what I make of myself. I havent always done so great. My kids, my family and friends, my work. There is no love greater than the one you have created with Stela, and although you may be questioning the bounds of love right now, always know with complete certainty that that is one that will never fail you. We fall in love, out of love, hurt ourselves and each other, but our kids are always there to remind us of what unconditional love is, cause it IS so easy to forget.
I know the girl you are right now. She is trying to move to Crazytown, (I lived there once) but I dont recommend it. Don't go. Maybe she doesnt want to MOVE there - but she is definitely checking out Craig's List to see if there are any good rentals. She's doing drive-bys of the other residents. Dont! Stay in control of yourself and your life. These are the only things you are certain to control. Your emotions are another story, but you can control your actions and your ability to make it through each day, as you will. You are a strong and wonderful person who is valuable in so many lives. I guess I never appreciated the "everything happens for a reason" motto and maybe still dont sometimes....but we have so limited control over what turns of fate actually DO happen that you have to have some faith in that. Life is such a cruel series of twists and sometimes hurtful turns, but also opportunities for great joy, like laughter with a good friend or snuggling a baby girl to sleep. Find the pleasure in the little things - EVERY little thing for now, and dont think ahead to tomorrow or the next day. Each day WILL get easier. Personally, it took me LOTS of bottles of wine to figure this out (sometimes making that next day come much quicker, and also enabling me to forget the previous day Also takes lots of time and phone calls with good friends - you should know this.
You didn't mean NOTHING to Kate - ever. You always did, you always will. PLEASE, use my MONTHS of counseling to lean on. Not all about Kate. About Jina now. If I can in any way minimize your tears, hurting or hours on the therapy couch......girl you know I will.
Here for you now and always
Love, J

[carbjunkie]

Hey Ash I am looking into trading stocks online too. We should chat about it sometime.

Jina I know it was hard for you to come here but I am glad to see you stopped by. I know no words of empathy, sympathy or ortherwise is going to change how you are feeling right now. I know pain and can understand your loss..the anguish you must be going through..your racing thoughts. You know to heal you will have to go through these array of feelings to reach peace..some kind of resolve.

What would we do in this world without our best friend?..it wouldn't even be worth living. You one of the lucky ones to have a J on your team.

Hold on tight dear GG..you can do this!

Your friend in Cali,

T

[cardenas5usa]

I read up and let me just say that Jina those are stellar words of wisdom and sentimant from your friend. I understand not wanting to go into the room where it all started, I think I would feel the same. Crazy talk...I am glad you feel comfortable enough to talk about what you would and wouldn't know what to do if you didn't have Estela here with us, it is good to get it out rather than keep it all in, and to see it on paper. As your friend said, don't move to crazytown (what great words!!) you owe it to yourself to focus on you and Estela and getting better, not looking back and feeling bad. Minute by minute, breath by breath, every second will be a bit better. As always hugs and kisses!!

T, that is cool that you are looking at online trading too! I am still just learning and I am going to just set myself up with a dummy account with yahoo when I get home and just play for a week or two. Yeah we should chat about it sometime. Have you already started? So how are your eats today? Exercise?

Me, we are going on a hike along the river today and packing our lunch. Breakfast was some eggwhites, a small lite sausage, pineapple slices, and a piece of toast. Lunch will be half an egg and ham sandwich with a little spicy cheese. Probably I'll remove most of the bread, I just don't like plain bread that much anymore, I see empty calories,lol.

I'll check in the evening how your both doing, Jina, stay strong, T have a good one! Love, Ashley

[carbjunkie]

Hey Ash..I see your green lite my eats are going ok and I'm about to get on the bike before I cook dinner in a while.

B - 1 egg 1/2 slice toast cup coffee w/cream
L - coffee w/zucchini muffin
S - grapes
D - large salad w/grilled chick n veggies

I'll be back after a while.

[cardenas5usa]

How's it going this late afternoon? GG, that is amazing of Bre and Pete to be moving in with you to help out. Being left high and dry for paying bills would really be the pitts. Hope your day is going going going to the next less painful day. Mwah to ya!

T, good to see thatyou are getting on that bike!! Our hike was a bust, we got to the new path and it was all torn up and no where to go! Crud!!! Too bad cause the kids were really looking forward to doing it. So that means i will hace to go on a walk around the driveway.....oh, maybe not, I forgot that my mom just bought a new workout video, 7 minutes, and I have the gazelle, oh goody.

Well, it is time to get dinner on, good of you to wait u for R tonight. I'll try and get back on later and see if your around.

Ash

[carbjunkie]

Good morning ladies. I got up early with R to have some coffee and visit before he goes work.

I am just gonna be hanging out today doing house stuff. It's so nice not to have anything going on.

What are your plans today miss busy Ashley?

My thoughts are with you Jina. I hope have a smooth day at the office.

T.

[Stelakate]

Hi.
Through the night on Tuesday I woke up at 3 am again w/ a panic attack. Called Kate, we talked for an hr and 1/2. At the end of the conversation we had come to the conclusion she was, a. Very sick and needing help, can't wait to see her counselor, b. not seeing leigh or me, just talking by phone as friends, to both...that's IT. Getting her head straight and working on the new place at her brothers. c. Feeling she will break down at any moment, and I must be so ahead of her in this process, maybe it's meant to be that way so when she does break down and freak out I will be stronger. WHATEVER!
I said, no contact just texts for a while, about Estela. We ended w/ I love you's and better will come from all this stuff...eventually. One day at a time.

What a difference a day makes. I texted her she could see stela at 2pm, pick up at the house or even visit there, I had errands to run.
She comes over, I was happy to see her...it felt a little weird, she questioned the flowers I got sitting on the table, I told her - there was no card. A gorgeous dozen of gerbera daisies in pink fuscia and cream. Stunning. She goes over to the counter, reads a list I had started, picked up my medicine bottle of Prozac that I did (against all beliefs) start the night before.....questions that, etc. Then i look at her and she has this HUGE HICKEY ON HER NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! She tried to lie, said it was a bite..etc...another insane lie, how stupid does she think I am.
SO, I told her tell me the truth or I was going to email Leigh. She confessed.
I told her to get out of my house. For good. She texted me all day, "Im such a piece of , so sorry, please let me see Stela.
I ignored her all day, did really well.
Erin and some other friends of mine wanted to take my mind off it so I went to her house, drank a few beers, felt really good. I emailed Kate before I left,
"Enough w/ the ! Game over, you win. All we have to deal w/ is Stela. Tomorrow you may pick her up in the morning, I will have her packed and ready. Kristy will meet you outside. Have her back by 4 pm. I dont want you seeing her so realize how accepting I am being, I will stick to my word about not using the baby. Even though you dont deserve it. Period.
I trust you will keep her in a safe environment because though you have clearly lost your mind I know she brings you clarity.
You have no reason to be in the house, when you are ready for the rest of your stuff we will make a plan and set a time.
We can email issues/concerns etc about Estela. Taking it one day at a time.
She is all I have that is real in my life, make the most of your time with her."
She still texted me and called me 3 times that night, what time can I get her/??? just reaching. I ignored her. Finally at 11pm she says can I come at 8 tomorrow?
I texted NO!! I work at 9. Call after that time.
SO, she is with her now. I am bugging. Cant take it. Had a horrible anxiety attack here this morning. It's getting better.
All the lies, to my face, daily...this being thrown into MY FACEEEEEEEEEEEEE it's too much. The only solution is to NOT see her again for a really long time.
Sorry to hog, check later.
Getting a little more normal now...it's rough on me. I can't take much more. Trying to stay super strong. I can do it.

[carbjunkie]

Hi there Jina...sorry you have had such a rough time. It always gets a little worse before it gets better. The fact that she went to your house with a big hickey on her neck really is a blatant slap in the face...then to deny it just makes it worse. I'm really sorry about that. It IS best that you stay away from her for a while to get your emotions in line. Seeing her just makes you go up and down and it is too stressful.

You aren't being a hog..you need to get it out and we are here for you.

T.

[cardenas5usa]

Don't you ever worry about being a hog of space!! That is never a concern, the only thing I ever worry about is how you are doing, minute to minute. Prozac, it may seem like 'whoa, I can't believe it!', but if it helps, take all the help you can get. T said it, that was totally blatent of K to come to the house with a clearly visable hickey, NASTY and CRUEL!!! You are being so strong and better than I would ever be, you are amazing, in all possible ways! That is good of you to let Kate see Stel, but keep on high alert, don't ever let your gaurd down, she may have been the best of people in the past but right now her thought and decision processes are cloudy. Your decision to keep to no contact and just texts is good, it will make getting beyond the hurt easier if the bandaid isn't ripped off everytime she feels like it. Keep your chin up Jina.

Well, today the kids went to day camp and did all sorts of wet and wild games, and were totally pooped when we picked them up. Mom and I went shopping, got some new khaki shorts and a cute Old Nave yellow fitted blouse for under 10 dollars. We shared food at a new Mex restaurant (people are from Mexico City, so fellow chilangos,lol) it was good to see some authentic central Mex food Then I went to BiMart cause they had hand held GPS' on sale and I got one of those for when I get back home. Now we are just hanging out. It was a hot one here, 95, but no humidity, so it wasn't so bad.

I am going to start preping dinner now, some left overs and ham and cheese sandies, me think I'll have a quesadilla in a LC tortilla.

I'll check back later tonight, love, Ash

[Stelakate]

Visited crazytown last night at 3 am. I woke with anxiety and couldn't sleep...called Kate. We talked for an hr and a half....it was different this time, and I am not just reaching. I just let her be honest about her feelings, tell me what it is about her you just cant let go of, she doesn't really know....I mean someone that has slept w/ hundreds (literally) of people must have some crazy mo-jo so she is just feeding her what she wants to hear to feel better about herself. Now don't get me wrong that one-legged ****** is no mastermind but she is in fact a very forceful and controlling person. Kate said she has tried 6 times to quit it. Leigh scares her a bit, but when they are together it's just dandy. WHAT WHAT? I can't take it. ROLLING EYES W/ SERIOUS IRRITATION!

It makes me sad, for Kate. I know, I know...not about her. I think she found something similar in her that she can relate to, for now. Once Kate gets more in tune w/ herself...back on track there will be no more room for Leigh.

I just told her to cut the cord. Get the help now, it's only going to get stickier as time goes on...and pretty soon my Prozac is going to kick in and I am not going to be doing this crazy anymore.

All in all it went ok, I have to see her briefly today for Stela's shots....then not til she takes her tomorrow. I am planning on going out w/ friends and having a fabulous time, the Bix 7 road race is here, tomorrow, it draws in 10's of thousands and the fest downtown is always a good time.

I feel different this morning, not sad, more like I did the wrong thing by giving her that one last ultimadum....I know it has to be on her terms, I just feel really wrong about it and not happy like, Yay, she might really leave her alone now.........all in all I am not sure if I really do care that much....I could never be burned like that, lied to, never trust again...I think I am a player in the game and I feel really dirty about it.
Game over.
About me now. At least, that's what I feel right now. GIVE ME STRENGTH HIGHER POWER.....
On an up note I got a new bed. I can't wait to redecorate my new room....new bedding, fabulous new green sheets w/ tiny white polka dots....I am going to make a tuffed headboard panel....new lighting and curtains...
I gotta get a piece of Jina back. Little by little, day by day.

Love you two. You are both a rock.
Ash, did you get my bday package?

Have fun today!
BEST PART OF TODAY IS: the scale!! Yahoo!! 218. Awwww suki-sukkiii.

[carbjunkie]

No good news coming from this end. The scale hasn't budged but then again I had a bad weekend..I guess it's time I take a break. I'm not doing you two any good by around here back and forth. Maybe when I'm ready to make a commitment to myself I can actually be a part of this weight loss game.

Jina you are almost out of the 2's I know right now it's probably not the most important issue on your mind but it is awesome! I know you had a terrible night but you sound like you are one step closer to getting yourself back. I think the worst part of this ordeal may be over..little by little you'll feel better and be standing tall...and thin

Ashley you are a great motivator and an example to me. Everytime I think I can't do this..I think about you and how you've stayed committed. There is a song I listen to by George Michael called "Flawless" and the lyrics read, "please believe me..the things you dream of they don't fall in the laps of no one." Nothing could be more true. I think about all OUR hard work here but I obviously haven't worked hard enough so I just don't know right now what it will take.

I'll check back on you two.

Lots of Love,
Teresa

[cardenas5usa]

First off, Jina, when I left last Sat I hadn't got your gift, but I have been gone all week and I am sure it will be there when I get back, thanx!!

Jina I can see in your writing that things are getting betterm you are not so down on yourself, and redecoing your bedroom is a good sign, cause that is real Jina breaking through to the surface. Yeah!!! Hugs and kisses!!!

T, a break is probably a good thing for you mentally, it is too dang hard to stay the course and not see the baboom results, I know, we all know, we all have been there. I can assure you that you will do this, when you have your heart totally and completely set on it, it may take another week or another month, but I have no doubt that you will. And, lets no forget that you did lose 20 pounds, something not to be laughed at! Let that be a maintain point.

Me, I am here and my mom's and her scale is who knows how old, but I am about the same, 159. I am happy about that. I am ready to go home and see E tomarrow.

Love, Ashley

[cardenas5usa]

I forgot to say, yehaaaa Jina for getting into the teens already!! You are cruising along with your weight lose, it must have been hella easy to deal with food these past couple of weeks, maybe the only "easy" thing right now.

We just picked up the kids and are home for the day. Mom and I have decided to start sewing aprons, we keep seeing all these funky and cute aprons selling at markets and boutique shops for 50 bucks. We already have patterns and my mom has got tons of fabric. Who knows, maybe we could even hang a few among the art at La Provence to sell. My mom has been so wanting to do some sort of cottage industry thing since she will be retiring from nursing soon. We wish we weren't so far apart cause I know we could make a killing on doing caterings. Alas

Hope you two are having a nice day, bbl, Ash

[carbjunkie]

Hi girls. It was a hot day here in Cali..95 where I live. I ate well today but am now having a glass of merlot before R and I go to dinner..alone! I am not trying to keep track but will go day by day. Here's what I had.

B - 3 hb eggwhites 1 low carb bagel w/cream cheese
S - red grapes n lowfat string cheese
L - two turkey cutlets n zucchini
D - probably fish or a salad w/more red wine

Anyway, I wanted Jina to know I thought about her all day and Ash I am gonna try not to disappoint you so I will take a mental break but I promise not to gain.

Hugs to you both..my Oregon and Iowa 's

Sunday after wedding we hung out and had beers at the dock bar by the ocean..was nice.

Teresa

[cardenas5usa]

Nah, you won't disappoint, just enjoy the mental time off and all is good! Glad you and R are getting some alone time!

Jina, hope today was smooth, with not too many bumps.

Mom and I just shared a dinner at the Mex place and my dad had his same old, the kids too. now they are out flying the kite. It was hot here too, about 95 here too. I just love that I can do the heat now, it is like a world has opened up.

Love, Ash
:heart Ash

[Stelakate]

Yesterday was weird. Kate broke it off w/ Leigh, which led Leigh to emailing me through myspace saying SHE was ending it, and if I continued to talk about her she'd bring charges against me for defomation of character since she is a prominent business woman in the QC. WHAT??????????

NONSENSE! I can't belive I was consoling Kate about this yesterday, it's gonna be ok.....I even let her come to my family's house and told them all to treat her right, she was getting help and letting that go. Still not getting back together, that may NEVER happen, but friends, honest restart. RIGHT!
I know she talked to that , I called her after I deleted that bogus email and blocked leigh from ever contacting me again, kate was like...I AM TRYING HERE, I'TS HARD, It's not about you.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTT???
I said, 'Get on w/ your crazy life, I am so dunzo'. I never called her back, or texted her through the night when I was up at least 5 times....once w/ a bad anxiety attack.
I feel anxious so far today, but it will pass it's lightening up already.
She is to pick up Stela at 5pm to keep her overnight. I dont feel bad or nervous about it, Gabe doesnt allow leigh around their home, and Kate is good w/ stela...but overnight makes me nervous.
I guess we'll see how it goes. Have a feeling see is going to renig. on the deal.

This is a test, how impt. is spending time w/ your daughter when you know I am out and about.

Soon to find out!
I am going to catch up on you two...once again, all about me, right?

[Stelakate]

Good job you two! I cant wait to come and see both of you. A gift to myself yet this year. BELIEVE!
Ash, maintaining you are awesome! I think the 150's look good on you , and T, I pm'd you about the feelings your having but let me just say you look really good in that picture (avatar!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You wear it well mama, you wear it well!!!

Aprons?!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should try to find someone who will cut you a deal on monnogramming them, people dig that for sure! Add cute little ribbons and those adorable little pom balls (I call them dingleberry's)....so kitchy and adorable. You two are SURE to do well and at La Prov? GENIUS!

I have to shop after work for an outfit. I bought the most fabulous pair of shoes yesterday, OMG, they are a wood 4 inch heel w/ red and white gingham material slides, the material is knotted at the toe, very very cute. BUT, need to find stuff to go w/ it.
Alright, I gotta get going, love u 2!

[cardenas5usa]

Oh I am so glad you think it's a good idea Jina, lately I have been feeling like I have all these great ideas (schemes I dare say, haha, not really, but..) and talk about them and then see little action. Will see when I get back if any more catering jobs have come up, crossing my fingers. Anyway, we have been thinking a long time about making them for us and why not make and extra few and hang at La Prov, right, they already have tons of art on display for sale, and French tablecloths, why not aprons too. Just rambling,lol. And Monnogramming is a good idea!!!

Those shoes sound so cute, I was shoe shopping yesterday too, am looking for a pair of slight heels, in red, with a toe peek hole, something cute to wear with jeans to dress 'em up a bit. But down here there is slimpickins, so I didn't get to far :P

That was gracious of you to invite Kate to your families house, and I hope she sticks to her word. That is good that K's brother doesn't let L around his house since she'll be there with Estela. Everyday, you're sounding better. If only you could fast forward past the hard parts right.

Hope all goes well for both of you today, I am off to drive home, I'll check in later tonight when I get home. Much love, Ash

[carbjunkie]

Morning! Speaking of aprons..whatever you do Ash..black is the color..sleek and professional. I really hope the catering thing works out cuz no one deserves it more than you.

Jina..deformation of character is a long drawn out case with lots of he said she said..she better have tape recordings..blow her off. I think you are doing great holding your boot straps (or stepping high in 4" heels) so kudos to you!

I have a friend coming over to hang out..we'll have some marg's..come on over! there's room for everyone

Well ladies I will be back to see you.

[Stelakate]

Jeez I wish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
having a margarita today w/ my friend jena (wrote that letter) it's her 36th day! I always tease her she will ALWAYS be 5 yrs older than me. LOL.

SOOOO, I just bought a new outfit, a white pair of flood pants and a bright red shirt (GASP) to go w/ my really insane heels. I look like I am walking on stilts....just cuz they look like a good idea, doesn't always mean they are, taking a back up pair!

Alright, I should go. You two sound like your off to a good day, it makes me happy.

[carbjunkie]

Good morning girls. Sorry I didn't check in yesterday.

You sound well G..now that makes me happy Funny your best friends' name is Jena. I'm glad I'm not the only one older than you

Hey Ash..whatcha doing young mama?

I'm off to run some errands..it's gonna be another hot one today.

T.

[cardenas5usa]

Morning girls! Sorry I didn't get in here last night to check in, we got home and it was non stop. I had anticipated getting back in town, swinging by La Prov to say hey to E and coming home to unpack. But to my surprise, we got to La Prov and E had arranged to be off when we got there, he must have really missed us,lol! Anyway, we went to a late lunch, then traded in movies, got home, hung for a few, went to go see Fofo's new digs, went to the dollar store with him to get basic new house stuff, then my friend called and said that where she lives there was a big festival and there were going to be fireworks at 10, so we trudged out there. Man, I have never seen a display like the one last night, they must have spent a million dollars on it. Anyway, that's the run down, just reading it makes me tired. Today we are going back out to do pancakes with the kids.

Jina, I just tried to give you a call but you are out, and if you are out I don't want to interupt you on your cell, I'll try you later girl.

T, oh I wish we could have made it for Margaritas, Mmmm!

Have a good Sunday morning girls, bbl, Ash XOXOXO