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Old 04-05-2013, 12:44 PM   #661
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Hi Robbe. Good for u five days under your belt!
There are a few good tips on this thread. Reading brain over binge which directs you to use supplements is what helped me. Stopping before you binge (easier said than done!) right when you start feeling that "feeling" and write down what you r experiencing in an attempt to engage the conscious brain. Sounds so reasonable
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Old 04-05-2013, 01:06 PM   #662
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Originally Posted by Biochic View Post
Hi Robbe. Good for u five days under your belt!
There are a few good tips on this thread. Reading brain over binge which directs you to use supplements is what helped me. Stopping before you binge (easier said than done!) right when you start feeling that "feeling" and write down what you r experiencing in an attempt to engage the conscious brain. Sounds so reasonable
Thank you! Yes, I love brain over binge! Helped me SO much. I love the tip of engaging the smart brain to help conquer the animal! Thank you LOTS!
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:51 AM   #663
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Ok Ladies

Time for a check in! How is everyone doing?

Spring has finally sprung here- a good time for renewal let's renew our commitment to this challenge 1 day at a time.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:36 AM   #664
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Okay! I'm here. Have been following you a bit on your journal thread and am impressed by your consistency. It doesn't look like you eat much at all though you don't list portion sizes so that could be why. Seems like I am always hungry in the morning so when I see B - Coffee, I think of starving.

Just took my supplements as I am very antsy and keep finding myself checking the fridge light. My issue? Brainstorming a problem. I had some great thoughts a couple days ago at an inopportune time and now can't remember. Hoping the supplements will get my mind focused again.

I need a light day so started the day thinking of modified fasting. However, my 8a.m. lemon water was followed by a 10:30 green smoothy, which was followed by a 1:30 hearty soup (you can see the pattern developing). I am hoping to just finish my smoothy for dinner and lemon water otherwise. It would total up around 600-700 for a reasonable DD.

Robin. This is a nice supportive bunch, though we have been away from the thread a bit lately. Hope to see more of you.

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Old 04-13-2013, 04:14 PM   #665
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Hi Cici-

The breakfast is an issue during the week because I am up at 5am and all I really can deal with is coffee....usually.

Lunch is early- sometimes as early as 1045 so again I tend to eat light usually yogurt ( but I am eating out of a large tub of yogurt, not those tiny 6oz servings).

Dinner is often 430-5 cause but then I am starving and I eat loads of whatever it is I'm eating. I do not measure and if I want 2nds I eat it.

Snack if I need one is around 7 and I'm in bed by 9

Weekends are different but I have yoga at 930 so today I didn't have breakfast until after yoga around 11. Lunch was light and dinner was a burger and salad around 630.

I track my calories but since I don't measure I estimate things but I'm usually around 1100 but I have been as high as 1500.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:23 PM   #666
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Was it you that was using GABA and 5htp? I have both now and am trying to figure out what to do as far as doses and timing. The GABA put me to sleep literally yesterday afternoon and the 5thp makes me a little tired but does help with appetite control.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:23 AM   #667
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Hi Jeanie, yes that was me. I took both in the late afternoon /early evening. I hope you can get some relief with their use. I really think that combo was what help get me on the right track. I have been off them now since the week before Easter and I still feel great. Honestly, not having to contend with anxiety is such a blessing. I hate that feeling and in my case , it was that feeling that triggered my binges (I think). The need to medicate with food has completely disappeared. My fingers are crossed for you!!
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:36 AM   #668
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Checking in

Hi Everyone,

Haven't been posting, been really busy, but the main reason is because my eating has been really bad and I just haven't wanted to deal with this problem. Tomorrow is the big $200/hr eating disorder specialist visit and I am really dreading it. I'm afraid she is gonna say something like I haven't dealt with some childhood trauma, or I have Daddy issues or some other psychocrap and that I obviously need intensive therapy weekly. Or worse, she will be just what I need and we won't be able to work out anything I can afford.

Since I made this appointment, I have done some soul searching and the truth is that I can link my binges to incredible stress starting in childhood. But the thing is that all of that was over years ago. All of that has been dealt with in therapy. I have a better life than I ever have, but the bingeing continues. At this point I feel like it has become habitual and that is worrying me. Everyday I wake up with the best intentions. I am gonna eat on plan. Everyday I fail. Every night I go to bed planning how tomorrow is a new day and I am gonna eat on plan. It is so frustrating. Also, I think all this overeating has gotten my body so used to huge portions that normal sized portions leave me ravenous.

So anyway, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
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Old 04-14-2013, 09:59 AM   #669
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Hi Everyone,
At this point I feel like it has become habitual and that is worrying me. Everyday I wake up with the best intentions. I am gonna eat on plan. Everyday I fail. Every night I go to bed planning how tomorrow is a new day and I am gonna eat on plan. It is so frustrating. Also, I think all this overeating has gotten my body so used to huge portions that normal sized portions leave me ravenous.

So anyway, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Hi, DM. I could have written this part. Hope you get just what you need tomorrow. Don't hold back. Get every dime's worth of that time.
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Old 04-14-2013, 10:34 AM   #670
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I hope you find some help my heart goes out to you as I can relate so closely to your struggles It's only food , but it sure has a way of messing up an otherwise happy life.
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:50 PM   #671
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Hi Everyone,

Haven't been posting, been really busy, but the main reason is because my eating has been really bad and I just haven't wanted to deal with this problem. Tomorrow is the big $200/hr eating disorder specialist visit and I am really dreading it. I'm afraid she is gonna say something like I haven't dealt with some childhood trauma, or I have Daddy issues or some other psychocrap and that I obviously need intensive therapy weekly. Or worse, she will be just what I need and we won't be able to work out anything I can afford.

Since I made this appointment, I have done some soul searching and the truth is that I can link my binges to incredible stress starting in childhood. But the thing is that all of that was over years ago. All of that has been dealt with in therapy. I have a better life than I ever have, but the bingeing continues. At this point I feel like it has become habitual and that is worrying me. Everyday I wake up with the best intentions. I am gonna eat on plan. Everyday I fail. Every night I go to bed planning how tomorrow is a new day and I am gonna eat on plan. It is so frustrating. Also, I think all this overeating has gotten my body so used to huge portions that normal sized portions leave me ravenous.

So anyway, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Keep us posted Brandi! Best of luck to u!!
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:59 PM   #672
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How many of us had less than happy childhoods?

I'm raising my hand here. Abuse/alcoholic father. Less than demonstrative mother
My home was not a safe haven but rather a place that made me feel insecure and frightened. Probably the start of my struggle with anxiety and medicating with food.
Therapy has helped but the binge disorder persists. I just have never learned to de-stress without using food...until maybe now yoga has helped.
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Old 04-14-2013, 04:37 PM   #673
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Alcoholic father that my mother divorced and then an abusive stepfather. I was always the good child who always tried to keep everyone and everything calm and happy. Being the second oldest out of 7 children I often took the caregiver role and that involved keeping the kids well behaved so that my stepfather didn't become angry. I definitely was an anxious child and even now have trouble with confrontation and become very anxious when myself or anyone in my home is anything other than happy and calm. I am not certain that I medicate with food. I think my binging started when I started dieting.
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Old 04-15-2013, 04:53 PM   #674
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I'm raising my hand here. Abuse/alcoholic father. Less than demonstrative mother
My home was not a safe haven but rather a place that made me feel insecure and frightened. Probably the start of my struggle with anxiety and medicating with food.
Therapy has helped but the binge disorder persists. I just have never learned to de-stress without using food...until maybe now yoga has helped.
Yep, a physically and verbally abusive mom with a caring but often absent (in the military) dad who just could not deal with her. I did not feel safe in my home either although most people thought I was a happy kid. An apology from my dad a few years ago for not leaving her and taking me away from her did help me deal and not feel so guilty for not liking my mom.

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I was always the good child who always tried to keep everyone and everything calm and happy. Being the second oldest out of 7 children I often took the caregiver role and that involved keeping the kids well behaved so that my stepfather didn't become angry. I definitely was an anxious child and even now have trouble with confrontation and become very anxious when myself or anyone in my home is anything other than happy and calm. I am not certain that I medicate with food. I think my binging started when I started dieting.
Wow, I was the "good" child too and would do anything to smooth over the crazy and frightening and violent things my sister would do to me and others just so my mom would not flip out further and take her bad moods out on me. I was a good kid, good grades, no trouble ever and was basically ignored for about two years when my sister was in a bunch of trouble. When she was out of the picture my mom's wrath would come down on me for minor things like putting a fork in the dishwasher upside down or not being able to crack an egg without breaking the yolk. I don't deal well if people yell and I hate confrontation. I am sure that striving for perfection as a kid to avoid conflict started me out with using food to stuff those feelings down.

This is making me think about a lot of stuff tonight.
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Old 04-16-2013, 02:50 AM   #675
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My daughter sent me a link to a YouTube video. Check out Dove real life sketches. Amazing and thought provoking...

I suppose that many of us suffered and were damaged in some way. Clawing out of that darkness has taken me many years but thankfully I have been able to leave most of that in the past. I did have to sever ties with my father in order to live in the present. That was not a difficult thing for me to do although my siblings had trouble understanding. At some point I just made the decision that in order to save myself, I had to be done with him and all he the mess that came along with him. Scars remain and I am working everyday to heal from the inside out. To not do so would allow myself to be victimized again!
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Old 04-17-2013, 06:16 AM   #676
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Just checking in. Would like to contribute something useful to the topic but have felt that this might not be the right place for me to go into much. I can say from experience that healing starts with forgiveness and that adults are not helplessly under the control of anybody else. The mind can be retrained to release those thoughts that surface and look at them like a movie instead of reliving the moment. I was about 55 yo when I discovered this. No need to wait that long. It is all decision based. And even while childhood conditions may have caused me to learn bad coping mechanisms, they are not the reason I binge today. I just have not had enough time to make new coping mechanisms the first impulse. I think the answer is in behavior modification. That means hard work and thoughtful response to stressors. Not to mention developing new habits. Do not mean to sound like a lecture. Hope the information is helpful to someone.

Pretty excited about starting something new today. The sun is shining and it is not raining so feeling good about a spring challenge (to myself). Hope you all have a wonderful day.
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Old 04-17-2013, 07:17 AM   #677
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I can also link binge eating to a stressful childhood. My parents were loving and attentive, but expectations were extremely high and my mother was unhappy being a SAHM (and we all felt that).

Things improved when she went back to graduate school and started working PT, but the mark of that remained with me. As an adult, full-scale binge eating didn't start until I attended and Ivy League law school - stopped once I was out. I remained binge-free until DH became very ill about 4 years ago, when I was 20 lbs from goal weight after baby #2. While I think I will always carry some latent worry with me about DH, *he* recovered two years ago and now, like Brandi, I am afraid it's just an insidious habit.

Biochic it's funny you mention yoga because I signed up for private sessions starting this Friday. We're going to focus on relaxation/anxiety and I can't wait.

I have the Diet Cure and read it but got confused about what category I was in and what supplements to take. I'm going to revisit it today.
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Old 04-17-2013, 12:51 PM   #678
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I did a lot of work several years ago to deal with the issues from my childhood. I do not see my mother very often although I do keep in touch by phone. This is the best relationship I can have with her and it works for me. I don't like the things she did while I was growing up and to avoid bringing up those feelings again staying away from her is the best thing for me. I know she did the best she could and she does not have the capacity to understand how her actions had a serious effect on me. I also have no relationship at all with my sister and feel fine with that although it really bothers other people when they hear it. My relationship with my dad has gotten better and better over the years and talking over things with him really helped me move on.

Once in a while I will get unduly upset or distraught about not doing something perfectly right or when I have too high an expectation of myself. When I can recognize this I know have to do some work to overcome the feelings and emotions that bubble up. It is getting better but those things do pop up at the oddest times. I have to work on the root cause and then just deal with it. I feel like I am accountable for how I deal with things here and now, no matter what happened in my childhood. I have the control now to not let my reactions to situations go in directions that are unhealthy for me.
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Old 04-17-2013, 01:44 PM   #679
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Cici- not a lecture at all. I will go out on a limb and say that those of us who have been thru some sort of recovery attempt understand the need to change our behavior (reactions to stressors). I agree that this is the key. Minimizing the stressors is the difficult part- making choices that others may not understand I order to heal. Re-wiring the neuro-pathway by practicing a different response is a challenge. I have been actively trying to do this since January and I am proud to say that I have now traveled on an airplane 4x alone and did not require meds or alcohol. That is a huge deal for me. I used breathing techniques that I learned in my yoga practice. Who knew? Now, was the GABA part of the reason for my success? Maybe but I have not taken it since before Easter and I am grounded and centered. Perhaps I have learned at 52 what you learned at 55? One can only hope

Portia- I went kicking and screaming into yoga. I was pretty resistant. It took my husband 2 years to get me to a class. I am a believer. I try to attend 3-4 classes per week. What an amazing experience it has been for me. I hope you enjoy!

Frankie- I have a bit of the perfectionist thing in me too but I have been able to let that go a bit over the last few years. My struggle now is with worrying about what others think of me. I wish I could just not give a hoot but I worry about people thinking poorly of me...either personally or professionally. That can send me into a real funk. Working on knowing and loving my imperfect self at this point in my life


Thanks for sharing everyone.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:11 AM   #680
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Hi Everyone,
Lisa, I too had trauma in childhood. Severe financial woes and a father who was either wonderful or in a rage. Walked on eggshells always afraid of when he would explode. Didn't dare fight back. Learned to equate rage with love and married an even worse rageaholic, who was also verbally and emotionally abusive, a compulsive gambler and bi-polar (no meds). Marriage counselor said my abuse case was the worst she'd seen in 20 years of clinical psychology. Lived in total hell for 13 years before I escaped him.

But all of that is over now. So why do I still binge? That is what I asked the new doctor on Monday. She turned out to be very good and I am glad I went. In a nutshell, she said that while I had dealt with the past in therapy, certain behaviors are learned and persist even when the abuse ends. Like when my father or ex would get in my face and scream at me, I wasn't allowed to scream back. It would be much worse, so I would just sit there and take it. She said what happened is that pent up anger has to go somewhere so I turned it on myself. I learned to self talk in a very hurtful, negative way.
The other thing I realized (or admitted) is that I had based my self worth on achievements that were directly linked to my appearance. When I suffered a disastrous loss (achievement wise) that I could never recover from, instead of grieving that loss so I could go on with my life, I did the learned behavior. I didn't get mad, I didn't grieve, I sat there and took it. I turned the pent up anger, sadness and frustration onto myself. But the problem was that I couldn't deal with it, so I ate. If I eat till I hurt I don't have to feel the emotional pain. If I gain weight, I feel the pain and embarrassment of that rather than the pain of the loss. If I diet and lose weight, I feel the pain of the crash diet and focus on achieving my goal rather than deal with the loss. Then I gain it back and it starts all over again. So the truth is that I have to face my loss, grieve and heal and I will have no need to binge. I am just really scared to go through it. I haven't been able to post here for 2 days because I haven't wanted to deal. But I knew in my heart of hearts that this was the root of it all.

So she agreed because of finances to see me monthly. For now I am supposed to start talking to myself and treating myself with kindness. When I feel bingey, I am supposed to start asking myself what is it that I need. Do I need comfort, do I need to fill a void, am I just bored? She said once I can nourish myself with kindness the need for excess food will vanish. It was difficult to have her point out how abusive I am to myself verbally, even referring to myself in the 3rd person. It was so sad to look back on my life and realize that this was what I was taught, and I was a very good student.
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Old 04-18-2013, 02:54 AM   #681
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Brandi!!! It sounds like you had a great first session! You came away with insight that takes some people years to achieve! I'm so glad you went and have made the decision to continue!
The work of getting to truly know and love ourselves with all our imperfections is a monumental task. We all know people who seem so content with who they are. What a blessing that must be! For me, that's the work that needs to be done...and changing how I respond to certain stressors. No easy task but once identified the goal is clear.

Keep posting!! We are here for each other
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Old 04-18-2013, 03:47 AM   #682
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Hi everyone. I have only read the last page but keen to read from the start and see how everyone has been going.
Doxymom your therapist sounds great. Her suggestion to treat yourself with kindness is something I have been working on myself. I have realised that I am often my last priority and feel like I don't deserve...whatever it is. It was truly shocking when I realised how punitive I an to myself.
Anyway, hope it's ok to just jump in, I think I have a lot to learn about this topic.
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Old 04-18-2013, 08:18 AM   #683
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Hi Muffles, of course you can jump in! Initially we were counting the days we didn't binge, but it has morphed into more of an online support group, and thank God for that! You may want to read the whole thread, there is a lot of wonderful support and information. BTW, I think you are exactly right. Punitive is the perfect word to describe my self talk too. The therapist asked if I had kids or pets and I told her I have 3 weinerdogs. She asked me if one of them came up to me with their little paw hurt, what would be my reaction. I said I would grab them and run immediately to the vet and take care of it. She asked what I would say to myself if I hurt one on my hands. I said I would tell myself that I still had to go to work (I work with my hands). Talk about eye opening.

Lisa, yeah, I really did get a lot out of it. It's just really overwhelming to realize the depths of the effects of past trauma, and knowing I literally need to go through the grieving process is daunting but at least I have a path to a happier, healthier life. I feel very fortunate.

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Old 04-18-2013, 12:58 PM   #684
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jump right in


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Hi everyone. I have only read the last page but keen to read from the start and see how everyone has been going.
Doxymom your therapist sounds great. Her suggestion to treat yourself with kindness is something I have been working on myself. I have realised that I am often my last priority and feel like I don't deserve...whatever it is. It was truly shocking when I realised how punitive I an to myself.
Anyway, hope it's ok to just jump in, I think I have a lot to learn about this topic.
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Old 04-18-2013, 02:21 PM   #685
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Welcome, Muffles.

Doxie I think you are getting great advice. It's the same advice I am getting.

The binge eating cycle is hard for me to break not only because of the learned behavior, but also because if I am binge eating at night, I am not preparing my food for the next day and I end up unprepared (happened today), then I fall off track, binge when I should be planning menus etc. etc. etc.

In a way, the binge eating is acting as a time-suck that allows me to *avoid* changing my behavior. It takes up the time I need to shop for and prepare healthy meals.

Today was another day when I really didn't think about what my food would be until 5 minutes before I had to leave. And I am not eating 1-2 meals, 900 calories. I need FOOD if I want to stay on plan. Meals and a snack or two.

Kind of frustrated right now.
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Old 04-25-2013, 05:47 PM   #686
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I hate to see this thread die...

I am so sorry to see this thread go but he wayside. I credit this thread with helping me through these 100+ days. The respect and support here made all the difference.
For those still struggling, please do not give up. Keep fighting. You are in my thoughts.
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:13 AM   #687
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Lisa, I'm still here! I feel the same way (although I don't have 100 days WOW!) but I check this thread everyday. I haven't posted because I haven't had much to say since my doctors appt. but as of yesterday, I have started to try and grieve my loss. I have been talking about it and crying and I am hopeful that facing it will decrease my compulsion to binge. I will still check here and post when I have anything because it is extremely helpful. If nobody is here anymore, that is really sad, but my posts help me and maybe somebody lurking. Brandi
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Old 04-26-2013, 12:11 PM   #688
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Brandi...
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Old 04-26-2013, 03:03 PM   #689
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I still check every day too. Would it be helpful to start a new thread? Sort of a fresh start place to share the love? We could post the link so others could find it.
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Old 04-26-2013, 05:18 PM   #690
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I would love that Cici. What should we call it? I'm so happy!!
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